Original subtitles

Honey, I'm home.

Hey, looks like your champ's in trouble here, pally boy.

Ah, he's just getting warmed up.

Come on. Bob and weave. Weave and bob.

Come on, champ. Use your left! Use your left!

Gentlemen, the champ is down.

Oh! And the champ's left arm is bitten off!

A stunned silence falls over this crowd.

Use your right! Use your right!

Yeah! Get him while he's chewing.

- Oh! - Yay!

- Try this dip. - You got it, Uncle Roy.

Another beer here!

More juice!

Here goes.

Ew!

Hey! Wait, wait.

- Not bad. - OK, my turn, my turn.

OK, OK, OK.

There you go, pal.

All right, Son, you can do it.

Come on, Junior. Do it for Daddy.

Well, maybe he'll develop other interests.

Oh yeah, like collecting stamps or designing fall fashions.

Come on, little guy. Don't let me down. You can do it.

Come on. I know it's in there. Let it out.

Let it happen.

Hey, hey!

Way to go, Son!

Nice work at any age.

Mom, are males born disgusting?

That's the old nature-nurture question.

I believe they're born

somewhat disgusting but need to spend years

to fine tune it to a sort of total grossness.

Hey, Mom, there's a brontosaurus lady next door.

I wonder if she's looking at that house.

It's been on the market for weeks.

Well, she's coming this way.

Oh, and she's an herbivore.

I hope she doesn't eat the top of the trees.

The leaves are coming in so nicely.

Hello.

Hi, honey.

My goodness, look at those earrings.

I could never get away with that, but you're young

and you can try different things and I think that's great.

- Is your mother home? - Oh!

Uh, I'm Charlene Sinclair.

And I'm Fran Sinclair.

Monica Devertebrae.

I'm the real estate agent selling the house next door.

I'm not keeping you from anything?

Not at all. I just put on a pot of coffee.

Ooh! Beautiful kitchen. Oh, I love dirt walls.

They're just so hard to keep clean.

Cream? Sugar?

- Straw. - Oh.

This is my first listing in the area.

I wanted to meet some of the neighbors.

There you go.

Oh, thank you. Ahh.

So, do you and your husband live nearby?

I don't have a husband.

Oh, I'm sorry.

- Tar pit? - No. Divorced.

- Divorced? - Huh?

What's that?

It means we were married, and now we're not.

So, did he get eaten?

I didn't renew my marriage license.

I didn't know you had to renew.

Oh, sure. Every 20 years, you have to send in forty bucks.

I took a look at my marriage, and it wasn't worth forty bucks.

But why? Didn't your husband buy you a house

or put food on the table or protect you from predators?

Yes, but there should be more to marriage.

He didn't care about things that were important to me.

Like remembering my birthday, taking me out to dinner

or even sucking parasites out of my ears.

I mean, he knows I can't hold a Q-tip.

Oh, but he's just a male.

I know. And that bought him a lot of years.

How can you possibly survive on your own?

You know, independence sounds great,

but personally I'd rather have a guy sitting around ignoring me

than go out and get a job.

Now, Charlene, a single female with a career of her own

may sound bizarre at first,

but we all have to find our own place in this world.

You got a mop? Roy's burped up something, and it's still moving.

Earl, I'd like you to meet Monica.

She's the agent selling the house next door.

Oh, hi. Hey, we're gonna need some more finger sandwiches.

I've got them right here.

Uh... So, your husband's in real estate?

No. I'm in real estate.

It's nice that your husband lets you help him around the office.

So what do you do, make him coffee?

No. I don't make coffee for my husband

because I don't have a husband.

A big gal like you?

Learn to make good coffee, you'll snag a male in no time.

- Earl! Try and stay with me. - Uh-huh.

Monica doesn't have a husband

because she didn't renew her marriage license

because her husband didn't pay attention to her.

I bet it was the coffee.

No. She just feels a wife deserves respect.

Yeah.

Mmm-hm!

Doh-ho!

Hey, guys, you gotta listen to this one!

Franny. Franny, it's Thursday.

Wake up, my little love salamander.

Earl, what do you think of Monica?

The male-hater?

She is not! And you were very rude to her this afternoon.

Yes, you're right, Fran. She's not a male-hater.

In fact, she's a trailblazer,

an inspiration to somebody... somewhere.

Come on, Franny. It's Thursday.

So you think it's OK for a female to be without a male?

Not at this particular moment.

I was talking about Monica.

Will you just forget about Monica?

I think if she didn't want to renew her marriage license,

she must not have been very happy.

Happy? Happy? What does happy have to do with marriage?

Look at me. I'm married, and I'm not happy.

It's Thursday night.

I'm supposed to be happy, but I'm not.

- You know whose fault that is? - Mm.

Monica, the marriage killer!

And she's coming this way, so lock your doors,

hide your children!

No more Thursday nights for anybody!

Jeez, I got such stress and now there's no Thursday nights?

Please, Earl...

Marriage is the very institution

upon which stress relief is based.

Take that away, and what have you got?

You got stress all the time.

Like right now. Is that what you want, Fran?

Hey, what's goin' on?

Your mother's gone insane.

We're talking about the fact that Monica

didn't renew her marriage license.

I think that Monica is nuts.

Hey! There's Daddy's little girl.

I think a female's place is in the home,

a well decorated home in a nice part of town.

See, Fran? The kids agree with me.

They know instinctively what is right.

Can I say something?

No. 'Cause from you nothing good ever comes.

- I agree with Mom. - No kidding.

Jeez, look at this family, Fran.

We can't even get a gender war right. See? Stress!

In a marriage, the happiness of both dinosaurs is what counts.

Let's face it, a marriage license is just a piece of paper.

Just a piece of paper? Have you ever read it?

No, but...

Mister tradition-butcher, it's about time you did.

Because after you read just a few of its inspiring passages,

you won't be so quick to mock the sacred document

which is always here on the sacred bookshelf,

somewhere in this general sacred area.

Earl, isn't it there?

Well, it was, um...

Where? Dah!

Right... here.

Here we go!

You used it to level the television set?

- Sacred is as sacred does. - Oh!

This is the cornerstone of our society.

It's our security in troubled times,

it's the bond that holds two dinosaurs together.

It's expired.

Are you sure you have the right colored form?

The sign said tangerine. I don't eat tangerines.

How am I supposed to know what color they are?

Why can't they have meat-colored forms?

All right, next!

Hi. We're here to renew our marriage license.

Yeah, yeah. Social Security number?

Oh, uh... Zero, zero, zero,

zero, zero, zero, zero...

Mmm... One, eight.

Yeah, yeah, let's see. 01-6, 1-7... Ah... 1-8.

Earl Sinclair.

Mrs. Sinclair? Please step over there.

- Oh. - Bye, hon.

OK, Mr. Sinclair, put your hand over your left eye.

Please tell me which one of these females is your wife.

- I can do that. - Go ahead.

Oh, it's one. Yeah.

Oh, no, it's number two.

No, it's definitely not three.

Mmm...

Uh...

It's maybe...

Is this a trick question? Hey, where's 4?

Franny, did you hurt your head?

I got it down to two.

Duh... Oh, gee, this is tough. Er...

Ow! Oh! Oof!

That one.

Very good. Yes. OK, let's move to the written test.

We'll send each of you into a soundproof booth,

where you'll write down answers to personal questions

- about your relationship. - Oh?

Then we'll reunite our couple and compare answers.

Sounds like a game show.

Please, Mr. Sinclair.

- This is a government office. - Oh, sorry.

We don't play games here.

All right, Earl,

here's your first ten-point question.

On your wedding day,

Fran wore something that held great sentimental value to her.

What was it?

Deodorant, Bob.

I'm sorry. Fran said...

My mother's wedding dress.

Oh... I was so close.

OK. Next question, Earl.

Earl, since you've been married,

Fran has asked you to remember only one matter of a romantic nature.

What is it?

Put the toilet seat down, Bob.

Close, but Fran said

she wanted you to remember...

Our anniversary.

Earl, you said pudding snacks

and Fran said...

"The birth of our first child."

Ooh! That's a clean sweep there, Earl.

You got all 20 questions wrong,

and interestingly enough,

when we look back at your newlywed test 20 years ago,

you got every question right.

That's not fair. She was really interesting back then.

Sure she was. But so what? I can't renew your license.

Mad?

Well, I'm packed, I'm ready to move out.

Ready to throw away 20 years of wedded bliss.

If that's what you think is best.

We're not married, Earl.

Technicality. It has nothing to do with our relationship

and what we mean to each other.

What's my middle name?

I'm going.

Earl, what about the kids?

Whoa! I know that one. It's Robbie, Charlene, and...

Uh... Doh...

Something has come up

and we think you're both mature enough to know the truth.

Huh?

Uh... I got to go to the market and I have a very long list.

- Earl! - Dad!

All right, all right.

Your mother and I aren't technically married anymore

and I'm gonna go stay at Roy's.

We need to spend a little time apart

and I need to know you kids are OK with this.

I want therapy.

We're from a broken home.

Happy?

Are you really gonna leave us, Daddy?

I wish I didn't have to, little girl.

I wish I could make it all better, but I can't.

This is one of those moments in life

that's just miserable and rotten for every one of us.

♪ Happy days are here again ♪

♪ My daughter's free from fat boy ♪

♪ My daughter's free from fat boy ♪

♪ Happy days are here...

- Phew! Tough day, huh? - Hey, Earl.

Quittin' time, pally boy.

Five o'clock, Roy. About the time I'd be heading home,

back when I had a home.

Water under the bridge, pally boy.

Now it's party time.

You and me, two single guys on the prowl,

hunting down females with low self-esteem.

Gee, Roy, I don't feel much like prowling.

Even if I did, I wouldn't remember how.

Aw! Piece of cake, Earl.

I'll show you how it's done.

Look, you be the chick. I'll pick you up.

I don't want to.

Hey! Slow down there, pally girl.

You're way ahead of me.

I haven't even asked you out yet.

Get away from me.

Ho-ho-ho! A spirited filly.

So, my lovely, tell me about yourself.

Well, the first thing you should know is that I'm a guy!

Isn't that interesting? You don't say?

Now, listen, this is crucial.

You gotta listen to what they say,

which is tough, a lot of it ain't that interesting,

they almost never talk about wrestling or chicks.

They really go for this listening thing?

Yeah, in a big way.

You gotta make a genuine effort to pretend you're interested,

and you gotta remember the details.

Tell you what, I've got some books on the subject.

Why don't we just go back to my place?

Hey, hey. Wait a minute. Am I still the chick?

'Cause if I am, you gotta buy dinner first.

Yeah.

How are you holding up, Fran?

Oh, I'm fine. It's a whole new life for me.

I got this at the supermarket.

Look, "Companion Cuisine for Single Adults"

"The meal that keeps you company, until you eat it."

So, I understand you're single.

What happened? Somebody die?

Hey! It helps to talk. What's your name?

Uh, Fran.

Well, pleased to meet you, Fran.

Feel free to baste me while we talk.

Oh!

I just feel bad about you and Earl,

and that somehow all of this is my fault.

Oh! Don't be ridiculous.

You know, last night after I put the kids to bed,

I sat down with a good book

for the first time in I don't know how long.

Really? What were you reading?

Oh, who the hell remembers?

I spent the whole time thinking about Earl,

staring at Earl's side of the bed,

wondering what shirt Earl was going to wear tomorrow.

Oh, how are the children holding up?

Oh, you know kids. These things don't faze them at all.

It's amazing how resilient they are.

Ah! Heh-heh-heh.

Ah!

Oh, my.

Yeah.

Yo, Mom.

What are you doing?

Whoa! I'm just grabbin' a beer,

then I gotta get over to the mud wrestling palace.

Trixie goes on at ten.

I gotta be there to hose her off, you know.

Trixie?

Yeah!

Ahoy! Ahoy there.

Is Charlene in?

Ahoy, mates.

Whoa!

Well, here you go, Fran. I've got a date.

No, you don't!

And you get this thing out of my kitchen!

You're not going on any date. This is a school night.

You're in your room.

Oh, Mom!

And you have homework, Robert.

Aw, Mom!

Jeez!

And as for you...

- Wrong house! - Let's go see Trixie.

I got dibs on the hose!

Maybe they're not handling this as well as I thought.

They're living in a single-parent home now.

It's an adjustment for them, not having a male role model.

Buy me a dress.

Boy, do I have to talk to them.

- All three of them. - More rouge!

And I need to get the baby ready for bed,

and I haven't figured out what I'm making Earl for lunch...

Stop. You're doing fine. You just need to relax.

Now, let your mother watch the kids,

and you and I will go out for an hour.

I've already opened dinner.

Fran, she's right,

you need some time for yourself.

You go, I'll slip into a freezer bag.

I'll be fine. Huh?

I'll eat him.

Hey, this single scene's pretty wild, huh?

Looks like every other night we come in here after work.

So, Earl, before the frenzy begins and we got a moment,

what do you look for in the fair sex?

You a leg guy? Or maybe a haunch-chaser. Heh-heh.

Some guys prefer the legs, others a good set of teeth.

I like the ones that look like Fran.

Well, me, I'm a neck guy.

You can't get a head too far from the shoulders,

as far as I'm concerned.

The longer, the better! Heh-heh!

Yeah, I remember my first girlfriend.

Longest neck in school.

One day we went riding in her daddy's convertible, see?

And, well, there was this low bridge...

- Hi. - Hey, Roy! Look.

Duh!

Go get me a ladder. I'm in love!

Hey, let's make our move, huh?

Roy, one of them's my wife.

Well, right away you have something in common.

What do I do? What do I do?

Details. Remember the details.

- Dee-da-dee-dee. - Details. Details.

Hey, I was here first.

Aren't we Mr. Macho?

Play your cards right, and you could be Mrs. Macho.

- Ohh... - Yep.

Hi, I'm Earl.

I know.

Do you come here often?

You know I don't.

Uh...

So... Uh... Can I buy you a drink?

- I have one. - So you do.

Looks good. What is it?

It's a white wine spritzer.

Spritzer! It's a spritzer, it's a spritzer, it's a spritzer.

Uh, so, um...

What sign are you?

Uh, Pisces.

Pisces! Pisces, spritzer. Pisces, Pisces pitzi...

Oh! Excuse me. Duh...

I... Uh... Duh...

Spriz, spriz...

Is spritzer with a "z"?

What are you doing?

Oh, well when I meet a chick I like,

I want to know all about her.

Since when?

Since I realized how much it means to them.

Well...

Chicks like it when you care enough to try.

You know, you seem like a happening babe.

I know we just met,

but what do you say we go someplace a little more...

romantic?

I'd like that.

This is lovely.

I thought you'd like it.

You know, I missed you.

I missed you, too.

- I got you flowers. - Aw!

Ragweed. It's your favorite.

Oh, no! What?

Roses are my favorite flower. Not ragweed.

Well, I knew it had an "R" in it.

I should have written it down.

OK. You got five points for remembering her favorite drink,

10 for remembering your anniversary,

her birthday, your birthday, favorite color,

and 25 for her favorite international coffee.

Woo!

Let's see. That's 5, 10, 25...

Oh, another 5 points and I could have renewed your license.

- Whoa. Just stop right there. - Huh?

Who are you to make judgments about how much we mean to each other?

Sure, the little things are important,

but what about the big things,

like spending 20 years together,

raising three kids,

and seeing each other through the hard times?

And what about love?

I bet there's no place in your official score sheet for love.

Love? Well, uh, uh...

Oh, yeah, here it is. Hey, three points.

Hey, and look at this!

Seeing each other through the hard times is another three points.

That's uh... Congratulations!

You're renewed.

Oh!

Oh, thank you.

You see, Franny, if I put my mind to it,

I can remember all the important stuff about our relationship.

Oh, you sure can.

Come on, big boy,

let's go home and pretend it's Thursday.

Doh!

Thursday? Yeah!

Spaghetti night.