Original subtitles

Honey, I'm home.

One gun, one badge...

So, Earl, how was your day?

Yes, dear. Whatever you say.

But he's sensitive...

So, kids, what's new in school?

- Sure, Mom. - I'll get to it.

What's new with you?

Shh! Move.

Welcome back to Pangaea's Funniest Home Injuries.

And now here's a father and son playing catch

a little too near an active volcano

and giving new meaning to the expression, "go deep."

Go deep! I can reach you. Go deep!

I got it! I got it!

I got it! I got... Aah!

You know, Earl, I had something funny happen to me today.

On video?

In my life.

I want to talk at the dinner table.

We don't see each other all day,

and I think we should talk to each other at the dinner table.

Mom, we can talk anytime.

Pangaea's Funniest Home Injuries is only on right now!

Then you'll want to watch whatever show comes on next.

But that's a totally different show.

- What? - Pangaea's Second Funniest Home Injuries.

I actually like that one much better.

We don't get that much time together as a family...

Ma, you're thinking too hard.

Relax. Look at the bright colors.

It's... nice.

Come on, honey, turn that thing off!

♪ Pangaea, Pangaea it's good to see you ♪

♪ Get hurt ♪

Oops!

Aw, jeez.

Fine.

You and I will eat dinner together

like a civilized family.

We interrupt Second Funniest Home Injuries for this bulletin.

Jeez, hurry up.

Now, here's DNN correspondent, Howard Handupme.

A meteor watch has been put into effect

throughout the Pangaean Panhandle.

Scientists have specifically pinpointed this particular house

as the point of probable impact.

Come on, come on! What does this have to do with me?

Uh, Dad, uh...

What?

I think that's our house.

Nah!

Yeah, I think so.

Na...

Na...

Not the mama.

Na...

Huh? Yeah, look!

Huh? Huh?

Hey, hey, hey.

Hey, Fran, come here, come here!

Look at this. I'm on TV.

Hey, everybody, it's The Earl Show!

♪ There are chicks ♪

♪ Just ripe for some kissin' ♪

♪ And I mean ♪

♪ To kiss me a few ♪

- Ohh! - ♪ Oh, those chicks ♪

♪ Don't know what they're missin' ♪

♪ I've got a lot of livin' ♪

♪ To do ♪

Again!

We've been canceled.

We now return you

to our regularly scheduled program.

OK, well, I've finished my preliminary claim inspection, Mr. Sinclair,

and I would appraise the damages sustained here...

Don't try and cheat me on this!

You insurance guys have absolutely no ethics!

How much would you say your television set was worth?

Ten thousand dollars.

Hmm? Good thing I popped

for that extra meteor coverage, huh?

For us, yes, but if you refer to that large

bound volume we sent you, labeled "exclusions,"

you'll find that a meteor

is only a meteor until it enters the Earth's atmosphere,

at which time it becomes a meteorite.

We're not gonna get any money, are we?

Not unless your house was hovering in space

at the time it was struck.

It was, it was. You could ask anybody! I swear!

I don't see this as a loss at all.

I see this as our chance to spend time talking to each other.

I see this as a blessing in disguise!

What exactly is this blessing disguised as, Fran?

Misery? Awkwardness?

Oh, I know!

It's disguised as mind-numbing boredom!

Look, we're not used to communicating.

We've lost the art of conversation.

Earl, tell me about your day.

I don't want to.

At least ask your children what happened in school today.

What happened in school today, Robbie?

Uh, may I be excused?

- I don't see why not. - Oh, thanks.

Don't you get out of that chair!

No one gets out of their chair

until we talk to each other like a family.

Oh, this is vicious!

Fine, Charlene, you can go first.

Tell us about your day.

OK. Well, I went to school.

Nothing's going on there.

There was a... book or something.

Then I went to the mall.

This is good. They had a booth,

and they analyzed my skin.

And it turns out I have combination scales!

Some are oily, and some are dry, and some are in between.

Here's where it gets really interesting.

They blended me a custom scale moisturizer,

emollient, lusterizer, conditioner mousse

with a pH balance and a sun-protection factor,

which, coincidentally, matches the combination body splash gel,

and came in a free carrying case with a loofa!

Uh...

Robbie! Imagine running into you here.

Tell me all about you. Let's get to know each other.

Gee, Mom, I'm not that interesting.

Don't fight it. The more you struggle,

the more painful it will be.

OK. There is something I've been thinking about.

I wouldn't mind hearing what the family thinks.

I'm confused about the nature of reality.

No kidding?

Like if a tree falls in the forest

and nobody's around to see it or hear it,

did it actually fall?

Ooh! Now, that is intriguing!

Who can build on that?

Where are you going?

I'm going to see if the tree fell.

I'll be back in a couple of days.

If you leave this house,

I will never talk to you again!

Throw in the rest of the family, then you got yourself a deal!

Free, with your paid subscription to Dinosaur Sports...

Hmm?

What? The rock is ringing!

Wow! It's a phone!

It's a rock! It's a Rok-Fone!

Hello? Yeah?

- Sounds great. - Hello, the TV. I missed you.

Did you miss me?

Tough day without the TV, pally boy?

Oh, yeah. Did I miss anything?

You kidding?

First of all, on Oh, Those Becklesons,

Arnie's son, Mikey, got picked on by a bully at school.

And Arnie had to teach him a valuable lesson about life.

Ooh. I've never seen anything like that.

Yeah, well, those guys

are breaking new ground every week.

Jeez! What else did I miss?

Oh, wait. Then on We're Not Even Related,

But Somehow We're All Living Together...

That's a great show!

When Delores and Stan go out for the evening,

teenaged Billy throws a party, and trouble erupts.

Did it turn out all right?

Everyone learned a valuable lesson about life.

And I was wasting these precious hours with my family.

- Yeah. - I got to get a new TV!

Yeah.

How much does one like that cost now?

Oh, 700 or 800 bucks.

I could never afford that.

And those Becklesons are gonna learn more and more

valuable lessons about life,

and I'm gonna get left behind!

What am I gonna do?

Would you like to own

this gorgeous 90-inch stereophonic,

- surround-sound, really, really big tube television? - Yes!

You could, if you and your entire family appear as contestants

on television's favorite family game show, the Family Challenge!

Hey! I got a family.

Of course, I'd have to split the TV with them.

Aw, what the heck?

Now the most important thing is always save your double coupons

for the more expensive items.

Is that my wonderful family?

I'm not talking to you.

I thought long and hard, and you were right.

We should do more things together as a family.

Like what?

You know, something that will teach us to nurture, share,

and improve our general knowledge of trivia.

What are you talking about?

Hey, I don't know. Nothing planned, no agenda.

Off the top of my head...

a game show, the Family Challenge.

Want to go on it with the family?

A TV game show?

I don't know.

Come on, come on. It'll be great.

What do you think, kids?

All in favor, sit there motionless.

It's unanimous, Fran.

Seen this one.

Seen this one.

Ah! Seen this one too.

We have been accepted as contestants

on the Family Challenge,

which leaves us 30 days

to absorb all the knowledge in the world.

Now, some of us might not make it.

How are we supposed to get so smart so fast?

No problem.

As you can see,

I have separated all known dinosaur wisdom

into three categories:

"Animal, vegetable, rocks."

Well, what about fire?

Vegetable.

What about water?

Water is the opposite of fire,

which we have previously established as a vegetable.

What's the opposite of a vegetable? Fruit.

So water is a fruit.

Fruit is not a vegetable,

so it has to be either an animal or a rock.

We know it's not an animal.

Therefore, fruit is a rock.

Daddy, I asked you about water.

Could we hold all questions until the end of the lecture, please?

Not the TV!

I don't want to do this.

- Charlene! - Why not?

I'm used to being embarrassed by you guys on a local level.

I don't know how I feel about being humiliated nationally.

Charlene, your father's just trying to organize

a family activity.

That's right. When you're older, Charlene,

perhaps you'll realize family is all you have in the world

and all you really need.

I've come to be on the game show.

Who needs you?

Grandma Ethyl is part of the family.

She's the annoying part of the family, Fran.

I guess you won't need help

with the ancient history questions.

And what makes you the ancient history expert?

I was there.

Mom, welcome to the team.

Yutz.

Robbie, ask me another one.

Dad, you haven't gotten one right yet.

I'm finding my rhythm. Ask me, ask me.

OK, OK. "What can fish do underwater

that dinosaurs can't?"

Sing!

Wrong. Breathe.

- We can't breathe underwater? - Nope.

That stinks. Oh, why don't we know any of this stuff?

Why aren't we smarter?

Why haven't we reached our full potential?

What has held us back?

Don't touch that dial.

We'll be right back.

Your mileage may differ.

Tell him what he's won, Bob.

How hot was it?

This concludes our broadcast day.

You think it could be television?

Oh, Fran, what if you're right?

We've done nothing but watch television our whole lives.

And now we know nothing.

Now we're suffering the consequences.

Now we're missing The Winkie the Moose Show.

And they said if you only see one Winkie this season,

tonight's the one.

We can change what we've become, starting right now.

When you first came up with the idea of us going on a game show,

I thought there must be an ulterior motive.

Motive?

You thought that?

Well...

But now I see it for what it is. It's exactly what you said.

It's our chance to learn together

and grow closer as a family.

I know.

Cumulus.

Yes! Right on!

Yay!

All right.

Here is the concept of gravity.

Now watch closely.

Mmm.

Aah!

I never realized how lovely it could be,

sitting here with my family,

sharing these lovely moments.

Now it's time once again

to play the world's first and most popular game show,

the Family Challenge.

Here's Mr. Family Challenge himself, Buddy Glimmer.

Hey, thank you.

Thank you. Ha-ha!

OK, now let's meet our families.

First, our challengers.

Let's hear it for the Sinclairs.

- Yeah! - Whoo-hoo!

Hi. Hi, Buddy. I'm Earl.

Ladies, ladies. Just like to meet the ladies.

And this delightful lovely is?

Oh, Charlene Sinclair.

Of course you are.

Who's this vision of loveliness?

Well, I'm Fran Sinclair,

homemaker and proud mother of three.

Ohh.

Fran! Ha-ha! Yes!

Give me a big wet one.

And let's say hello to our returning champions,

the Nielson family!

So, Nielsons, so, what have you been up to since last time?

Just sitting around the house watching television, I guess.

Television's our life.

Any favorite shows?

Just about every one of them, Buddy.

Well, introduce us to your family, would you?

Sure, Buddy. This is my wife, Gladys.

- Hello. - She handles the remote.

- My son, he brings me chips. - Hi!

- What's his name, dear? - Chip.

- My daughter Sally on the end. - Hi, Buddy.

Fran, I forgot how much I used to enjoy the TV.

I haven't seen television in a month now.

It doesn't seem so important to me anymore.

And here are today's categories.

"TV Last Week,

TV Last Night,

TV,

TV,

TV Potpourri,

and Families..."

- Oh. - Ooh.

"on TV."

What an unpleasant coincidence.

Champions, select.

TV Last Night, Buddy.

On last night's episode of Where's My Trousers?,

what did Bernie find hanging in his closet?

Ah, Sinclairs.

I'll take the curtain, Bob.

- No, no, no, sweetheart. - Why?

Come on, Dad, we can figure this out.

Yeah, we used to watch TV.

OK. Um, um...

Ah... it's hanging in his closet.

So then it would have to be...

an isosceles triangle!

Wrong! Wrong! Wrong!

And that ends round two,

with the Nielsons leading at 3,460

and the Sinclairs at... five.

Well, Earl Sinclair, it looks like you've lost

that beautiful grand prize

90-inch color television set.

Television set?

Is that the reason you wanted to be on this show?

That's what you had in mind all along?

No, no, no! No!

Yes! But only at first.

That was before we spent those weeks

learning together as a family. I loved that.

I would never trade that for some big TV set.

Well, that's very easy to say now

that there's no chance of winning.

I mean it. If he offered one more chance

to win that set right now,

I wouldn't take it.

Well, Sinclairs, you've got one more chance

to win this 90-inch surround-sound,

really, really big tube television

in our sudden-death playoff round.

And since you're behind, Sinclairs,

way behind,

it's your choice.

You can either test your knowledge

with one more TV question

you have almost no chance of getting right,

or... square off

for an exciting winner-take-all

fight to the death with Mr. Nielson

in our patented Cage of Doom.

It's your choice, Earl Sinclair.

In our sudden-death round.

Ah.

Well, Earl, what will it be?

Ah... Oh...

Kill him, Daddy.

Eat his head, fat boy.

- We'll bet it all, Bob. - Cage of Doom!

Well, Earl Sinclair, what will it be?

The cage or the question?

Uh...

Cage of Doom! Cage of Doom!

I'll take the question, Buddy.

- You will? - What?

- What? - What?

Maybe I didn't explain this.

I understood. Just give it to me.

Bring it up.

Tuesday night was a very special episode

of Oh, Those Becklesons.

For the big-screen TV and the game,

what very valuable lesson did Benji Beckleson learn about life?

Uh...

Huh?

Daddy.

Well, Buddy,

he learned that television shows come and go,

and sometimes you feel attached

to the characters on TV,

but what life really comes down to isn't TV.

It's the love between your family...

Boy, are you way off!

He learned never to give the lowest species

the keys to the father's car.

Well, that's valuable too.

And the Nielsons are our winners again!

Well, Sinclairs, we always like to say

here on the Family Challenge, "There are no losers."

But let's face it, you stink!

Hey, we may stink, but at least we stink as a family.

But nobody leaves the Family Challenge empty-handed.

Even though you didn't win our grand prize 90-inch TV,

you go home with this perfectly lovely 13-inch portable set.

- Whoa! - Yay!

And, Robbie, I saw your teacher at the supermarket.

And he told me how much fun it was

seeing you on television last night.

And he said you've been doing much better in school lately.

By the way, Charlene, everybody I run into

tells me how attractive you looked.

Some dinosaurs are just naturally photogenic.

Blah, blah, blah, blah, blah.

Blah, blah, blah, blah, blah.

Blah, blah?

Blah, blah, blah, blah, blah, blah.

Blah, blah, blah.