Original subtitles

LAINEY: No matter what school you went to,

we all had those same classic Thanksgiving traditions,

like the hand-turkey art exhibit.

Whoa.

The harvest formal,

and the Thanksgiving food drive.

Now, that's what I'm talking about, Darla.

Tell your parents thanks for giving us

eight cans of chili paste?

Really?

LAINEY: But for us, the most popular Thanksgiving tradition

was our alumni flag football, a casual game

(WHISTLE BLOWS) where old friends could reconnect.

Of course, Coach Mellor treated it like the Super Bowl.

Damn it, Ruben Amaro Jr.!

Quit showboating, and get your head in the game!

We're only up by 42!

Vanessa, stop trying to catch up

with your friend you haven't seen in 20 years,

and catch the damn pass!

Boomshakalakalaka!

Okay. What am I looking at now?

That is my budget proposal for this year's

Annual National All-School

Alumni Flag Football Championship Face-Off

Mellor Bowl Extravaganza,

trademark pending.

Rick, I told you. Stop adding exciting names.

We have to reprint the banner ever year.

Don't worry. I factored that into the budget.

$100,000?

That's as low as I can go. There is legitimately no room for negotiation on this.

I'm not giving you a blimp or a jumbotron, Rick.

Fine, but I will never back down

on the halftime air show with the Blue Angels.

I'll give you a cheese plate and cucumber water.

Add in lemon wedges, and we got a deal.

No. I got cucumber-only water!

Mellor wins! You're going down, sucker.

No, no. To be clear, I am not coaching against you this year.

Because I'm unbeatable?

No, because you're a hyper-competitive meanie

who saps out every morsel of fun.

I talked to the whole staff. No one wants to do it.

I can do it. Seriously? You want to coach?

Why the surprise, Mellor?

Because you're a science nerd

who only exercises that smartypants brain of yours.

True, but I still love me some football.

Well, at least we'll have one coach out there

who can keep it sane.

"Sane" is another word for "loser."

Good luck, smartypants brain lady.

Ooh, trash talk. Exciting.

No. You're supposed to trash talk back.

Come on.

I need to battle somebody who knows how this works.

How about you battle your own alienating competitive attitude?

That's good.

I'll take on the only man in this school

who's a worthy opponent, me.

Look out, Rick Mellor,

because Rick Mellor is coming for you.

Too late to back out?

Please don't.

Those tris. Ooh.

Looking solid in the tri area.

* One of these days, you're gonna get outta here

* Live your life and finally be free

* Go where you wanna go, do what you wanna do

* Someday, you will say "Those were the days" *

LAINEY: It was November 20th, 1990-something,

and the William Penn cafeteria

was observing a holiday tradition of its own.

Nine straight days of turkey-based dishes?

I mean, is this really something people are asking for?

You guys talking turkey, huh? (IMITATES CHICKEN)

That's a chicken. Yeah.

Listen, you guys are lucky,

'cause this Wednesday

is the big faculty Friendsgiving dinner,

held at my new party pad.

Eh...you know... Eh. Eh.

Come on.

You guys complain every year about this tradition,

but in the end, we all have a blast, right? Well...

Yeah. It's cool.

That's a begrudging "yes."

It's all right.

Let's see who's gonna bring what food.

I'm just take out

my Apple Newton Personal Digital Assistant here.

Just gonna open my notes.

(CLICK) Whoops. Opened up an old note.

Gotta loop back.

Delete.

Delete.

Home screen. Enter password.

Oh, shoot. Delete.

And...the battery is dying.

Ignore message.

Okay, Randy G, what do you want to bring?

Damn it. Well, at least you stayed.

Are you sure you really want to do all that cooking again?

Yes. It's really important that all the teachers

spend one night a year just maxin' and relaxin'.

I think the problem is everyone would rather

max and relax with their families.

And you don't think us teachers are a family?

Well, sure. But we're a work family, not family family.

Well, I think that work family is family family.

Well, most people think family family is family family.

Okay, fine. It might not be family family family,

but it is work family family, which is still family.

If I promise to bring yams, can we end this conversation?

(SNAPS FINGERS, CLAPS HANDS) Yes. Okay.

Let me just put you in my notes here.

L A, Shoot. Delete.

While CB was getting outmatched by fancy new tech,

Coach was making sure

he'd outmatch Wilma in flag football.

Ah. There she is.

My honorable opponent for this casual game.

Fun. Insane fun.

And since you're new

and don't know any of the alumni playing,

I took the liberty of creating

two fair and evenly matched teams.

I gave you some of the finest athletes

to ever grace this school,

like superstar and football legend

Deadly Dan the Man.

Then, of course, there's Brenda Chu.

Girl's a beast on the field.

And I personally reached out to Adam Goldfarb,

my most memorable athlete I had back in the '80s.

What's up with his eye?

Wonky, in a good way.

The man can see the whole field.

Ooh, I should make him my quarterback.

Ah. Yes.

He definitely knows what that is.

And as for my team,

just a random assortment of gangly scrubs

like, uh, Ruben Amaro Jr., here.

This is gonna be a hoot.

Yes, it is.

Just a silly little game amongst old friends.

These people are not your friends.

We must win at all costs.

This is, without a doubt, the biggest game of your lives.

You do know I'm a professional athlete

who played in the World Series?

Well, then, you're warmed up.

Game on!

Hey, Rick, bad news.

My star quarterback, Adam Goldberg, called.

He said, quote, "'Terminator 2' just came out,

"and I need to focus."

Damn it, Goldfarb.

You disappoint me athletically even as an adult!

It's fine. I got a solid replacement.

Dear Lord.

What's he doing here?

Oh, you two know each other? Yeah. I know him.

That's my D-hole big brother.

Well, that D-hole is my QB.

Nick Mellor is prepared to play

this bastardized version of America's game.

Let's flag it up!

We seriously have to play against this thing?

No, because Coach Wilma is cheating.

You cheat, cheater.

You're the one who took all the good players

and stuck me with the goobers.

You know about that?

I can spot a goober a mile away, 'cause I was a goober.

You know, I just did this to have some fun,

but now you got me mad.

Good, 'cause I like a little competition.

When this game is over,

you will look me in the eyes and say, "Wilma wins."

You're going down, little bro!

Yeah, suck it, Coach Mellor.

Also, hi, Coach Mellor.

You're looking lean.

Okay, we ready for the coin flip?

No. No flip. Not until you tell my big brother

he can't play in this game.

Nick's an alumni. Of course he can play.

Sounds to me like it's game on, bitch.

Whoa! Whoa! Whoa!

Okay, this is not a real game.

Let's lay off the "bitch" talk.

My bad. Just excited to have fun out there.

(MOUTHS WORD) She did it again!

Wilma, I'm a little thrown

by this whole new competitive thing you got going on.

New? I'm the one that drove my kids to place first

in the citywide academic decathlon, remember?

Yeah, but that was math.

I didn't think it would translate to real things.

Oh, it translates. Game on!

(MOUTHS WORD)

Hey! I heard that!

I heard it. I saw it.

LAINEY: Wilma had shown a new side of herself at school,

and I was about to see a new side of CB at home.

Hi. Morning.

Thought I'd swing by on my way to school.

No, uh, come in.

Uh, do you want a Danish or some coffee or anything?

I have neither. Um, I'm sorry.

I'm a little bit frazzled.

I wasn't expecting you. Oh, bed head.

Oh, God.

Wow. Really digging the new party pad.

Oh, yeah. Here, let me give you the grand tour.

Here's my Sony three-disc CD player with bass boost.

In case you get bored, whip out the Bop It. Beep-beep!

Super fun-guy blow-up furniture.

I'm standing outside, 'cause I have an outdoor patio.

Are you a fan of NBA star Shaquille O'Neal?

Do you like kung-fu?

Well, now you can experience both with, "Shaq Fu."

I don't know what that is,

and I don't want to find out, so no.

I just came by to drop off the yams

'cause I can't make Friendsgiving tonight.

Oh, no! Please don't bail.

I know. I'm sorry.

But it's the one time everyone's back in town.

Barry flew in, and we're going to Buckets

with Erica and the JTP.

Well, thanks for the giant mound of yams. Really appreciate it.

Now we've got some great leftovers for tomorrow.

Wait, tomorrow's Thanksgiving.

Right. Yeah.

That means I'll be doing my Thanksgiving plans

at my Thanksgiving appointment.

You do have somewhere to go for Thanksgiving, right?

Yeah. Of course. I got plans with my folks.

Aren't they in the Bahamas?

Mm. Yes. I did tell you that.

I meant, um, my Philly folks.

Big dinner, 16 cousins.

We're all heading over to my Aunt Sh... Shlamma.

Aunt who? Shaltmor?

I don't know what you're saying.

My Aunt Sh, Shirlimonst.

Are you saying "Shirlimonst"?

Are you? I think so.

Anywhoozle, still got a ton of stuff to cook for Friendsgiving.

You do know school starts in an hour, right?

Oh, no worries.

I got three crock pots on high

and the Ron Popeil Showtime Rotisserie.

You just set it and forget it.

Alright. Let's roll.

You're wearing pajamas.

Did forget that.

LAINEY: As CB was setting and forgetting

his Thanksgiving plans,

Wilma and Mellor were coaching a game

to be remembered forever, for all the wrong reasons.

Come on, ref!

He's not even pretending to go for the flag!

GLASCOTT: What do you want me to do?

I told him this was just for fun, but he won't listen.

Aah!

Sounds like your boys have had enough, Ricky.

Never! Everyone calm down.

This is supposed to be a friendly game amongst friends.

Aah! Ohh!

All right, you know what? Time to bring in the big guns.

Fitzy, you're out! I'm QB!

You can't play! You're a coach! Tell him, ref.

And an alumni.

Tell her, ref.

Well, if coaches can play, I'm going in, too.

Flags off!

It's real football now! (CLIPBOARD THUDS)

Game on, nerd lady!

Blue 32!

Please do not call plays like this is a real game!

Hut, hut!

(THUD)

(GRUNTS) Aah!

(GROANS)

(WHISTLE BLOWS)

Okay, that's it! I'm calling the game!

Which means we win!

Go on! Say it! Never!

Say it! Say "Wilma wins"!

Is she single?

LAINEY: After the flag football fiasco, Glascott was ready to celebrate

the true spirit of Thanksgiving.

We are pilgrims, and to show peace, we give you this first dinner.

And in return, we give you all of our land.

Thanks for being so giving.

Thanksgiving! Thanksgiving!

Gobble gobble, everyone.

(LAUGHS)

But seriously, I have a big announcement to make.

We will be extending our Thanksgiving food drive

through the weekend.

So, please bring any leftover cans you might have.

(FEEDBACK)

Gobble gobble.

I, too, have a big announcement.

Tomorrow at 4:00 p.m., 3:00 p.m. central,

there will be a flag football rematch.

Wait, what?

I'm looking for some tough players,

could be an alumni, a parent,

a strong uncle with soft hands and elite escapability.

Gobble gobble.

I, too, would like to make an announcement.

There will not be a rematch of today's game,

as I'm officially retiring unbeaten, unbroken, and unbowed.

Thank you.

And I'd like to announce that's a punk move!

Gobble gobble.

Well, I'd like to announce, you just got to accept the fact

that there's someone better than you.

And I'd like to announce that I'll take you on

any time, any place!

And my announcement is that there will be

no more announcements ever.

(ELECTRICITY CRACKLES, AUDIENCE GASPS)

Make your way to the nearest exit. Gobble gobble.

LAINEY: Losing to Wilma was something Coach would never forget.

As for CB, he learned

you don't set and forget a whole Thanksgiving meal.

(ELECTRICITY CRACKLES)

Bro! Your apartment's on fire!

CB: Fire?

Okay, everyone, learn while I'm gone, because fire!

All of it is gone.

You don't know that.

Um, maybe it's not as bad as it looks.

Not my Sony stereo with bass boost.

How will I boost my bass?

My fun-guy blow-up furniture.

It's neither fun nor blown up!

Not you too, "Shaq Fu"!

How could a simple fire

beat a 7-foot-tall kung-fu master

who sometimes plays professional basketball?

How?

(DISTORTED BEEP) (DISTORTED) Bop it.

Dude, I've never seen you actually mad before, and it's weird.

I cannot wait to find out

what dillweed in this building

is responsible for this.

Well, found the culprit,

LAINEY: Oh.

You're the dillweed.

Well, the good news, you can tell the teachers that they got their wish,

'cause Friendsgiving is torched.

It's gonna be okay, dude.

You can stay with me

until you figure out what to do.

Nah. Barry's staying with you.

I don't want to...

I'll just sleep in my bedroom,

otherwise known as the outdoor patio.

Oh, spider! There's a spider.

I hate this outdoor patio bedroom so much.

You two should be ashamed of yourselves

for ruining that ridiculously inaccurate Thanksgiving play.

I hate to do this, but as head of school,

you leave me no choice.

You two are no longer allowed

to be competitive on school grounds ever again.

You do realize that I'm, like, in charge of sports, right?

And you just can't tell someone not to be competitive.

I mean, this is who I am.

Okay. Then let's get to the root

of why you both refuse to lose, no matter what the cost.

Well, I grew up with four older brothers.

They loved sports, and I loved my microscope.

They teased me and called me a loser.

That's why, as a kid, I began to win at all costs,

so no one would ever call me a loser again.

Wow.

Yes, it's very impressive.

But not as impressive as my story.

When I was a kid, my dream was to have a family

and to grow up to be the dad I never had.

Until I have kids of my own, those students that I coach,

those are my children.

And this flag football game

(VOICE BREAKING) is the only time

Daddy gets to see his babies.

Really was a touching story, Rick,

almost as touching as mine.

Well, did you cry during your story?

'Cause Mellor cried.

You don't think Wilma can cry?

Watch this. No!

(SOBBING) Guys, do not compete

over who has the sadder backstory.

But if you had to choose

who had the saddest in this room, who would it be?

Me. I win that game every day.

So cut it out.

Okay, boss. No more competing.

At the very least, you have my word.

What? You think I can't stop competing?

Not the way I can.

While I see the irony of you two

competing over who can compete less,

I'm good if it ends all this.

It's over.

And we all agree, I won at losing.

Which is what the winner would say,

which means I won even though I lost!

No, you lost lost because

I stopped competing 10 minutes ago.

I have been looking for you guys everywhere!

I need your help. It's for CB.

Ugh. Is this about his annoying Friendsgiving?

So annoying.

I liked the concept at first, but he's annoying.

He also lost everything in a fire.

Oh, my God! Good guy. A good guy.

(CONTINUES INDISTINCTLY)

Are you done? 'Cause CB has no family out here,

and he refuses to stay with me.

Well, he can stay with me. I insist.

Don't you have a parrot that swoops down

on anyone that it perceives as a rival for your affections?

Well, I will show photos of CB to Feather Locklear

to let her know we have a new houseguest.

Okay. While Glascott runs things by his avian life partner,

why don't we pitch in

to throw a kickass Friendsgiving that CB deserves?

Genius. What do you need?

I am covering desserts, Coop's on place settings,

Grange is covering decorations, Johnny Atkins has a gourd guy.

So, we're on main course?

Exactly. You do turkey.

Wilma, can you do stuffing and sides?

On it. Great.

This is perfect.

Everybody knows Mellor makes a mean turkey

and an even meaner cranberry sauce. Hmm.

Not as mean as mine.

Cranberry sauce is like, my thing.

Well, it can't be your thing

because I said it's my thing first.

Trust me. You do not want to take on my sauce.

Lady, this is a war you will not win.

LAINEY: The battle between Coach and Wilma raged on.

Meanwhile, CB was in for an ambush.

Whoa.

We found the makeshift hobo tent

you set up under the bleachers.

Yeah, well, that's because

it wouldn't fit on my outdoor patio.

Look, I want you to come and stay with me

until you're back on your feet.

Oh, no. I don't want to impose. I insist.

Starting tonight, you are staying with me

and my territorial parrot

who pecks her own feathers due to anxiety.

Put it there, roomie. I'm gonna snap.

No, no. No snapping. And you know why?

'Cause the whole staff has banded together

to throw you the Friendsgiving that you deserve.

Really?

Really. Really.

Surprise. Hey, hey, hey!

Why are there so many gourds?

You said go to my gourd guy and get the gourds.

I got the gourds.

Doesn't matter. What matters most is that we're all here

to celebrate you and the magic of Friendsgiving...

Do you mean Friendsgi?

They gave me three minutes, three.

Well, what really matters is, uh,

this killer meal we organized just for you.

Attention, teachers of the lounge!

The world's best cranberry sauce has arrived!

Which is mine.

Guys, where's the food to put the sauce on?

It, um, well... Oh.

Yeah. Did, okay. I'll...

So, all we have for my Friendsgiving is sauce?

My recipe is so versatile that it presents like a sauce...

Mine is so hearty. ...but goes down like a soup.

It eats like a meal.

Meal beats soup.

You two need to leave right now.

No one is leaving until we all sit down

and tell CB how thankful we are to have him in our lives.

Granger? Yes.

Uh, I'm very thankful for CB,

a man of true honor, who would never criticize my banner.

Wow. Johnny.

I'm also thankful CB's here.

Because of you, bro, I got to reconnect with Brad,

my gourd guy.

Such a solid dude. Always comes through.

He's like CB, but just, the best.

Really was worth having my place burning down

so that you could reconnect with Brad.

You're welcome.

Rick, Wilma, give some real thanks, quick.

Yes, I am thankful that CB

is the heart and soul of this faculty,

so kind, so caring, so honest.

So, tell us, honestly, whose sauce is better,

hers or mine?

I'm thankful CB's gonna choose my sauce.

CB: Oh. Touching stuff.

I'd like to take my turn and thank you all

for throwing me a Friendsgiving

that truly reflects what we mean to each other.

Aww. Aww.

See, silly me considered you all my family family,

but you're not. You're not even my work family.

You're just a bunch of random people that I work with,

and it's on me for trying to make it anything more.

But we're all here for you.

It's the thought that counts, right?

Let's be honest, none of you

actually really cared about Friendsgiving.

Enjoy the weekend with your families.

LAINEY: After our disastrous Friendsgiving,

I took it upon myself to restore CB's faith in his work family.

Morning, sunshine. You look...awake.

I spent the night on Glascott's couch

with a hateful parrot staring me down.

Look, I know our half-assed, last-minute Friendsgiving

didn't exactly make you feel like we're there for you.

Not even a little.

Well, I still refuse to give up.

Even though I'm broke, I bought you a few key things

for your new party pad.

Screw having a blow-up couch, 'cause you got a blow-up chair.

Okay, it's a beach ball, but you can sit on it.

Sure, your Bop It's gone, okay?

But you know what's even better?

Cup-it.

Cup-it! Cup-it!

And of course, no party pad is complete

without a Swony stereo with bass boost.

Did you just say "Swony"?

Yes. It's actually better than Sony and costs $10.

Lainey, I really appreciate what you did,

but this isn't on you to fix.

It's on me for,

thinking all us teachers were family.

Dude, we're dysfunctional and competitive

and we let each other down.

But if that's not family, I don't know what is.

Okay, maybe you're there for me.

But it's pretty clear nobody else is.

I wouldn't be so sure about that.

Come on. Follow us, buddy.

There's something you've got to see.

* I'll stand by you

* I'll stand by you *

(CHEERS AND APPLAUSE)

Oh, my gosh.

What the...

Is this all for me?

We spread the word that you lost everything.

Oh, my God.

Turns out, everything you need is right here in this room.

Sorry about that dinner, CB, but we really are family.

Not just us. Everyone in this school.

(EXHALES SHARPLY)

(CHEERS AND APPLAUSE)

Oh.

Got to admit, it feels good

knowing there's another teacher in this place

who likes to win as much as I do.

I wanted to win so badly, I even spilled my guts to Glascott

about all that stupid "wanting to be a dad" stuff.

Don't worry. I never told anyone

about how my brothers thought I was a loser.

They couldn't be more wrong about you.

Thanks.

And I think everyone would agree

you're gonna make one hell of a dad.

Ah, damn it.

You're gonna make me cry for real this time.

It's not a competition.

LAINEY: That's the thing about Thanksgiving.

It can make the most competitive friends stop

and be grateful that they have each other in their lives.

Happy Friendsgiving, Lain.

I'll see you Monday?

I'll see you tonight. You're crashing at my place.

No. I don't want to impose on you and Barry.

It's cool. Barry can stay at his mom's.

Beverly Goldberg is more than happy

to have any of her kids back at home for the weekend,

or forever.

Are you sure?

Of course. You're family.

LAINEY: Even when you've lost everything,

your family is the one thing you'll always have.

It doesn't matter if it's family family

or your work family,

we should just be thankful

to have the people we love at our side,

and they'll stand by you.

Yes.

What happened when

you found out that your house was on fire

while you were teaching?

The intercom went off in my room,

and they said, "Your house is on fire."

So I ran out of the building,

and then I realized I didn't have a car.

I walked to school that day.

So, I ran back in,

and the receptionist at school tossed me her keys,

and I ran out to her car, and then I realized

I don't know what car she had.

So then I finally got in the car and went,

and there were firemen

throwing burning logs through the windows.

It was crazy.

The principal of the school realized

that I had been in class, so they walked in,

and there were kids, and they were still working.

That made me proud, to think that even though I wasn't there,

they carried on without me. Sweet.

There was one time, I was walking down the street,

and a woman pulled over in her car and said,

"I have some pots and pans in the back."

And I still have some of those pots and pans.

I am gonna be forever in debt to the school community.

That's beautiful.