Original subtitles

LAINEY: Back in the '90s, I loved making Halloween costumes.

And with so many amazing movie characters of the decade

to choose from, I was never short on cool ideas.

What up, Halloween party people?

"Dumb and Dumber" in da house!

I wonder which one of you is the "dumber."

It's Lainey.

I'm a doctor now.

[SPRAY HISSES]

Mmm. Nice to see you, Barry.

Missed you, too, Bee Bop.

Care-Bar flew in to surprise me

'cause we've never missed a Halloween together.

Mm, except for the 11

after she basically left me at the altar.

It's been a real journey, huh?

Hey, Rick, what do you think of our couples costume?

Couples what-stume?

Seriously? This is a foreign concept to you?

Dude, the best thing about Halloween

is dressing up with your smoke-show girlfriend

to make the whole world jealous.

Wait a minute. I'm in a couple with Aunt Julie,

which means I, too, get to costume in a couple.

Welcome aboard, Coach. What you thinking?

I got the perfect idea.

We'll go as Magic Johnson and Larry Bird.

Eh, that's too sexy.

Damn it, people, help me.

Dude, you know Aunt Julie and what she likes.

Come on. You gotta think of this one on your own.

You're right.

And I know exactly how to find out what I think.

Couples costume ideas.

Hit me hard, hit me fast. Go.

Boobs. What?

Ew. No. How would that even work?

It's like, y-you're the left boob

and she's the right one.

Stop with the boobs, okay?

Let's just move on.

New ideas. Go.

Maybe you're the boobs and she's the bra?

I legitimately cannot make this any clearer

no more ideas related to boobs!

Ooh! Wait. I got it.

You're Pamela, she's the Anderson.

What?

Oh. Right. Boobs again.

Maybe I can help, you know,

'cause you're dating my aunt and I know everything about her.

[COUGHING] Suck-up! [COUGHING] Teacher's pet!

Alright, stop with your asthmatic insults

and let my best pal in the school, Toby, speak.

My aunt's favorite movie is Forrest Gump.

Ohh. Ugh.

She's seen it, like, a hundred times.

Forrest Gump!Ha!

I knew I'd think of something. [CLICKS TONGUE]

Aunt Julie, will you do me the honor

of joining me in a Halloween couples costume?

That's my favorite movie!

Now that I've actually seen it, it's mine, too.

Screw you, Air Bud! You just got bumped to number 2.

"Air" what? Ah, you'll see.

Until then, I shall be your Forrest Gump,

which obviously makes you,

my park bench.

Or, uh, I can just go as Jenny.

Oh. That's my girl. Always thinking.

Well, I'll just, uh, put this back

at the ol' bus stop, where it belongs.

[BENCH SCRAPING]

♪ One of these days, you're gonna get outta here

♪ Live your life and finally be free

♪ Go where you wanna go, do what you wanna do

♪ Someday, you will say "Those were the days" ♪

It was October 30th, 1990-something,

and we were about to be hit

with some heavy Halloween drama.

Oh, dear God!

Everyone, sit down for safety,

because you are about to be rocked with urgent news

that will change the fabric of our school as we know it.

Oh, no. What happened?

I am taking over the role of the Halloween parade witch.

I'm gonna stand back up now.

Being the parade witch will truly be

the greatest role of my lifetime.

Okay, what's happening right now?

All the kids in elementary school dress up for Halloween

and then do a parade over at the middle school.

And who gets to ring the spooky bell

and lead this glorious parade?

[SIGHS] The Halloween witch.

Who has been the same person for the last 40 years

because...

Everyone loves Mrs. Chomers, the school nurse.

But Mrs. Chomers is now...

Super-old.

Which means...

She's taking time to be with her grandchildren

before she dies.

Yes, that's very sad stuff.

But the show must go on.

So, say goodbye to Susan Cinoman,

as I am now in character. [CACKLES]

Aah!

That felt a little big.

Was it too big? No, I think it worked.

Alright. I'll see you soon!

You know, I haven't had a ton of FaceTime with Susan,

but my read on her is... she's a lot.

You'll grow numb.

But this parade thing sounds adorable!

Hallways lined with cute little ladybugs

and boy pirates and tiny kid astronauts?

I love the cute way those little kids

wave with both their hands and say "pasketti."

Your reaction is fairly unexpected.

Oh, I love little kids!

Just not as much as I love mold, spores, and fungi,

which is why I teach science and not kindergarten.

Our middle-schoolers tend to show their Halloween enthusiasm

way less kindly than you.

I'd say it's more of a mean-spirited competition

where jackass middle-schoolers

try to make a bunch of cute little children cry.

What?You know, stuff within reason, like popping out of a locker

and screaming, "You're all gonna die!"

Or sneezing fake blood onto them.

And then there's the booing.

Cute Halloween booing, like, "Boo-ooh"?

More like a "Boo, you suck!"

Dear Lord, we have got to shut this parade of terror down!

That parade of terror is this school's most time-honored tradition.

I went through it myself.

Started in first grade, when I went as She-Ra.

The Princess of Power. He-Man's twin sister.

Mm-kay. Not now.

Then when?

Trust me, there was nothing worse

than being paraded in a big building

where a bunch of big kids

scared the crap out of She-Ra so bad,

she hid in a garbage can.

You poor thing.

But then, you graduate to middle school, and boom,

now you get to scare the crap out of these terrified tykes.

These middle-school kids still want Halloween.

We just have to find a way to make them admit it.

What if we could get them on board?

You know, convince them to cheer on the little kids

instead of leaping out at them

with fake blood oozing out of their eyeballs?

Guys, we're talking about

ruthless middle-school kids here.

Sure, deep down, they still want costumes and candy,

but they'll never admit it 'cause they're too cool.

Pfft. I loved Halloween in middle school.

'Cause you were a clueless dummy,

and you still are, Mr. Skeleton-Tie.

This is Jack Skellington, the Pumpkin King?

I'll be taking point on this.

I get that.

LAINEY: While Wilma was taking charge,

Coach was bringing his personal life into work.

Hey, Coach, isn't this a tad unfair?

What are you talking about?

Uh, Toby has a ladder?

Oh, yes.

That was left there by the janitor

when he was doing some seasonal rope maintenance.

If Toby gets to use the ladder, can I use the ladder?

No, you can't use a ladder. You have giant man arms.

My arms are normal human size. Can I use the ladder?

Nobody gets to use the ladder.

Except Toby, 'cause you're dating his aunt.

Can you date my aunt so I can use the ladder?

I've seen your aunt. I'll pass.

Coach, you clearly have a soft spot for Toby.

It's just not fair to play favorites, dude.

[WHISTLE BLOWS] Huddle up!

It's time for you bozos to realize once and for all

that Coach Mellor does not play favorites.

As you can clearly see,

I've made two dodgeball teams so evenly matched

that no one player is being favored in any way.

Toby, look out!

LAINEY: But Coach couldn't help himself.

He jumped into that game

and dodged, blocked, deflected, and caught

every single ball that was thrown Toby's way.

[DISTORTED] No! Yep, it was pretty clear he'd do anything

to protect his favorite student.

[DISTORTED] Uh!

Ronnie, you're out.

But Toby didn't even throw the ball. You did!

Exactly. I threw it as Toby's gym proxy.

Can I go grab a Yoo-hoo as you play this one out?

Knock yourself out, kid.

Game on! [DODGEBALL THUMPS]

You wanted to see me, pal?

Listen, I've been getting some complaints

that you've been playing favorites

with a certain someone.

Is it that obvious?

John, I give you my word, the last thing I wanted

was for the other teachers to know

that you're my favorite member of the faculty.

Well, that's not what I'm talk...

Wait, I am? Of course.

You have truly settled into your role as head of this school

with the grace and the elegance of a Princess Diana.

You think of me as Lady Di?

You are the people's principal.

Well, this job has been eating me alive, Rick.

I really needed this win.

Glad I called for this sit-down.

As am I. Back to the grind.

No, wait, Rick!

Come in. Sit down.

You know that I'm talking about Toby.

Look, I understand that you're dating his aunt

and seeing the kid a lot,

but bonding with him outside of school,

it can get complicated.

Oh, please. There's nothing complicated about a teacher

reading Harry Potter to a student at tuck-in time.

You know there's a policy that prohibits teachers

from fraternizing with parents?

Because it leads to problems just like this.

I hear you loud and clear, boss.

But thankfully, I am not dating a parent.

I am dating an aunt.

Okay, that's a weak argument, even for you.

Is it? Seems like a slippery slope.

You start making aunts off-limits,

where's it end, John?

Can a teacher date a student's second cousin?

How about a third cousin?

How about a fourth cousin?

How many cousins removed, John, before this is okay?

It's not about cousins.

It's about Toby.

He's beginning to look at you as a father figure.

If anything, he looks at me as an uncle figure.

Okay, pencils ready.

You have one hour to complete your exam.

I'm sorry if this is a bad time.

Couldn't be worse. Literally in the middle of midterms.

Attention, fearless middle-schoolers,

we have come to you with the gift of a lifetime.

The gift we bring is Halloween.

We get it. At your age, you just want to look cool,

but we know deep down,

you'd really rather go trick-or-treating.

Tom Scott, if you could be anything

this year for Halloween, what would it be?

Someone who won't get beat up for dressing as a Power Ranger.

I get that. Moving on.

Veronica, what would you like to be?

Out of this conversation.

That's enough! Let me tell you what's going down.

Starting now, you're gonna cheer on those sweet babies

at that damn parade!

No! We've earned the right

to scare the crap out of those little turds.

For six horrible years,

we had to suffer through that parade.

Or you dress up and have fun with them

because we all know that

that's what you really want deep down.

Come on. Halloween's fun when you're young and dumb

and still believe in ghosts and witches.

What if I convinced you witches are real?

Uh, you won't, because, duh, they're not.

Uh, dur, that means you've never heard of

the Blair Witch documentary.

The what, now?

Uh, a friend of mine got me an early bootleg.

It's terrifying.

The filmmakers went missing in the woods,

and their footage proves that witches are real.

Yeah. This is off the rails. Back to midterms.

Ba-bup! How's about we all make a deal?

If you watch this doc

and you still feel too old and cool to be scared,

then you can terrify any little tyke you want.

But if I'm right

and this doc makes you believe in witches

and all the spooky things that Halloween has to offer,

then you'll accept these kids with open arms.

Just say yes and take the test.

We all know CB lost the moment he said the word "documentary."

You got yourself a deal.

Yes!

Hey, slugger. I hear it's tuna casserole Tuesday.

I'll see you at dinner.

I'll bring the Boggle.

Boggle? That's an intimate family game!

Oh, this is bad.

We both agreed, I'm not violating any school policy

as long as I'm with...

Aunt Julie.

Aunt Julie.

Amazing news! I'm not Toby's aunt anymore!

Oh.

Huh? Who are you?

Paperwork finally got processed.

I am officially his legal guardian.

But, uh, to clarify,

according to God and science, you're still his aunt?

I guess, but on paper, I'm kinda his mom.

Ooh. Feels weird to say that.

Then don't. [CHUCKLES]

My sister had Toby so young,

and God knows she's had her struggles,

but she thinks this is best

while she's getting her life together.

But we agree you're still Aunt Julie?

Although, now, I'm more of a Mom Julie.

Well, I certainly can't call you "Mom Julie."

You could call me just... Julie,

like I've been asking since we started dating.

Hey, you know what'd be a great way to celebrate?

You do a couples costume with Toby.

He's an ant, and you're his Julie.

Ant Julie.

I'd rather you and I go as Forrest and Jenny.

Or I'm Forrest and you're Aunt Julie.

[AS FORREST GUMP] I'm Forrest. Forrest Gump.

Life is like a box of chocolates.

I'm gonna go.

[NORMAL VOICE] Sure thing, Aunt Julie.

Just Julie.

LAINEY: CB and Wilma were determined to prove to their students

that you're never too old to be scared by the magic of Halloween.

I'm scared to close my eyes.

[BREATHES SHAKILY]

I'm scared to open them.

WILMA: Oh, man. They are terrified.

[CHUCKLES] Even Lainey thinks it's real.

And the best part,

I arranged my own grand finale after the movie ends

to really scare them crapless and seal the deal.

We are good teachers. [HEATHER SCREAMS]

The best.

[SCREAMING]

[THUD, CLATTER]

[FILM REEL CLICKING]

[CLICK]

I think I speak for everyone in the room when I say

"What the [BLEEP] kind of documentary was that, man?"

I need a big, safe hug from my mom.

Judging by that reaction,

clearly, we get to have

a warm and friendly parade this year!

Screw the parade!

Why'd you show us that? We're just kids!

Why was that dude just staring at the wall?

Everyone, calm down!

Again, what the [BLEEP]?

I want to go home, but I don't want to go outside. What do I do?

Safety in numbers. Grab a buddy, follow me.

No, no, what are you... Wait...

LAINEY: But we still had CB's grand finale.

Oh, my God. Witch sticks!

Stay close! Let's go! Go!

I calmly led them to safety.

CB? The kids were scared...

The witch locked us in!

...but I kept a level head.

What was that?

All right, I hope you all wore your stretchy underpants,

because it's dodgeball time!

Let's do this, gym proxy!

Get ready to eat my farts, losers.

Whoa. Dial it back there, Toby.

Too late. He's a dead man.

I'm so scared.

Wait, that's right, I got a gym proxy,

so suck it!

Toby, let me talk to you for a second.

What's up, Coach?

I can't be your gym proxy anymore.

What's that, now?

I heard the great news that Aunt Julie

is now more of a Mom Julie.

Unfortunately, the school has a strict no-mom-dating policy,

which means you got to proxy yourself.

Kinda wish I knew this 10 minutes ago!

Before you told everybody to eat your farts?

Can you tell them I sprained my ankle

and I can't play anymore?

I would if you were my favorite, but now you're not,

even though we both know you are.

Try not to die.

Hey, guys.

Listen, some things were said,

farts were offered to be eaten,

but we're good.

Right?

JULIE: What the hell, Rick?

How do you just stand there

and let a bunch of goons gang up on the boy?

Because there's a policy that says

teachers can't date parents,

and now that you're Mom Julie,

I gotta go back to being Coach Rick only.

You can't go back.

Look, Toby has never had a dad.

He idolizes you.

Maybe I could be his... Gym Dad?

That's not a thing.

It is in here.

Just 'cause you softly point to your heart

doesn't mean it suddenly makes sense.

But it does

in here.

Well, in here, it says that you're a jerk

for putting some stupid policy above us.

No policy is more important than you.

Except for honesty, because that's the best policy...

Ah, damn it, Rick, you suck!

[INDISTINCT TALKING] But Aunt Julie wasn't the only parent who was upset.

Everyone, please.

It seems to me

that some of you may have an issue

with the fact that we showed your children

an educational documentary that was actually

a falsely marketed R-rated horror film.

All of us definitely have issues with it.

What were you thinking? They're just children.

I've got a gangly teenage boy

who refuses to go to sleep ever again.

My marriage can't survive that.

Aaron refuses to leave my side,

even when he goes to the bathroom.

And I didn't sleep a wink.

Lainey? You're a teacher! Get over here to our side!

No way! Thanks to you, I'm scared of walls now.

Walls.

Look around. They are everywhere.

Look, we made a mistake.Yeah.

How can we make it right?

By turning our scared children

back into the disrespectful teenage jerks

we know and love.

CB: Thank you. Thank you. WILMA: Thank you.

Gotta say, it's fun to see other teachers in trouble

who aren't me.

John, can I talk to you for a second? It's urgent.

Last time you said it was urgent,

you just wanted to show me how high you could jump.

Well, it's not about how high I can jump,

which we both know is inhuman.

This is about the outdated school policy

that says that teachers can't date parents.

Outdated?

I refuse to accept that back in stupid Colonial times,

stupid William Penn made some stupid declaration

I still have to follow.

The hell did that guy ever do, anyway?

Founded Pennsylvania.

And?

Just to be clear, it's my policy.

This is your policy?

Oh, for the love of Larry Bird's sweet, sexy mustache!

This is great news!

Aunt Julie just got full custody, and now she's Mom Julie.

It's great for them, but not for you.

Like you said, it's just your personal policy.

But the policy still stands.

Well, I reject your policy, so we're all good.

You just can't reject my policy. I made it for a reason.

Fine. Then I'll make my own policy

that says that your policy doesn't matter.

You can't just make policies. I'm the one in charge.

That means I'm the policy guy.

Not according to my policy, where I make the policies.

That's not how policies work, and you know it.

Well, I just made a new policy that says

you're being both a weenie and a bad friend!

That is a hurtful policy.

My whole life, I've had a strict policy

to always be there for people.

That's why I'm your favorite.

Were. I got a new policy saying I take it back.

Don't make policies you'll regret, Rick,

because once you make 'em, there's no going back.

That's how policies work.

I can't believe you'd stand in the way of me being happy.

I was finally happy.

Rick...

No. Some friend you are.

After the fallout from "The Blair Witch Project,"

CB got the idea to prove it was just a silly movie.

I'm scared to close my eyes.

I'm scared to open them.

I don't know what to do with my eyes. I'm so scared.

I just want to apologize to everyone.

[SOBS]

I'm so sorry to Tom and Aaron and Veronica.

[VOICE BREAKING] But the worst thing of all...

[NORMAL VOICE] ...is that none of this is real.

Ta-da! Movies!

[DRAMATIC BEAT]

You cut all my damn lines.

They didn't play. Hey, kids! [CLAPS]

And there you have it.

You're all scared of a silly movie that anyone can make.

Well, the movie may be fake,

but my nightmares are still very real.

Yeah, I'm still scared of witches.

I'm scared of witches and vampires.

I'm scared of ghosts and demon clowns

and also mole people.

If mole people are real, then there's gotta be C.H.U.D.s.

What the hell are C.H.U.D.s?

I thought you were a science teacher.

All we wanted was a nice parade.

Look how scared you are now.

Do you really want to give this feeling

to a parade of little kids?

Yes! The big kids scared the crap out of us.

Yeah, we waited six years

to feel better about the whole thing.

But you won't.

Guys, I was in the same place you were.

Actually, for me, it was worse.

That's not possible. Oh, yeah?

After my She-Ra incident in first grade,

I dreaded the parade so much that I pretended to be sick

so I could stay home and miss it.

But that also meant my dad thought I was sick,

so I couldn't go trick-or-treating.

You missed out on a lot of Halloweens.

And the saddest part?

When I got to middle school,

I still wanted to trick-or-treat more than anything,

but instead, I just ended up teasing a bunch of little kids,

and that only made me feel worse.

So, then, how do we feel better?

You finally admit that you're not too cool for Halloween

and you go have the night of your lives.

LAINEY: That day, the kids learned

you're never too cool for Halloween.

But as for Coach,

he was worried he'd lost Aunt Julie forever.

[SIGHS] Rick, about my policy...

I get it.

I got to choose between a job I love

and an aunt formerly known as Julie.

Well...

I choose her.

Wow.

That's major.

I really like her, John.

Rick, whenever I make a new policy,

it's always for a good reason.

Back when I was still teaching, I dated a student's mom,

and I fell for her hard.

But what I loved most was that suddenly,

I...felt like I had a family.

And that's what makes it hard

if it doesn't work out with Aunt Julie.

You don't just lose her.

You lose having that family that you fell in love with.

But you're not me.

So, as your friend,

I will not stand in the way of your happiness.

But what about your policy?

Let's just say I'm playing favorites.

♪ It's not worth dyin' for

♪ Yeah, I would fight for you

And so, Rick ran...

♪ I'd lie for you ♪

...and ran

and ran

all the way to his Jenny.

Rick... I choose you.

What? You quit your job?

Sure did, for six seconds.

Then Glascott realized what you mean to me,

and he said, "Go to her."

And what do I mean to you?

You're my first couples costume.

Who the hell knows how this will turn out,

but I give you my word,

I'll do whatever it takes to make it work...

Just Julie.

Don't you mean Aunt Julie?

No.

Just Julie.

♪ Oh, you can't tell me... ♪

That Halloween turned out to be one of the greatest ever.

Coach learned that in life,

you never know what you're gonna get.

But if you follow your heart,

it'll lead you to exactly where you're meant to be.

Because that's the crazy thing about life.

[CHEERS AND APPLAUSE] It's full of changes.

At our school, what used to be some scary, old tradition

became one of our most joyful celebrations

that still lasts to this very day.

As it turns out, no matter how old we get,

there's still a kid inside all of us.

And that's something we should always remember to embrace.

Because when we do, we can bring happiness and joy,

not just to others, but to ourselves.

[BELL TINKLING]

[DING]

[DING]

[DING]

[DING]

[APPLAUSE]

Well, looks like I was wrong.

You really did give these kids their Halloween back.

Plus, Wilma gets to squeeze lots of cute kiddos,

Cinoman gets to ham it up, and...

Look, Glascott's made a tiny astronaut friend.

We saved Halloween.

Not just theirs.

Now, if you'll excuse me,

I got some zombie walkin' to do.

[MOANS]

Brains...

[MOANS]

[GROWLS]

[APPLAUSE STOPS]

Oh, now the clapping stops? Keep it going! Yeah!

[APPLAUSE RESUMES] Brains!