Original subtitles

LAINEY: Back in the '90s,

marching bands across the country were stepping up their game

by taking hit songs from MTV straight to the halftime show.

At William Penn, I was determined to make sure

that my marching band was doing the same.

Um, what's this?

Our lead-off song for the Keystone State Marching Band Competition.

This isn't On Top of Old Smokey.

No more songs with "old" in the title.

We need something fresh and new.

That's why we'll be bringing the heat with some Barenaked Ladies.

Which are actually just four fully clothed men.

[BARENAKED LADIES' ONE WEEK PLAYING]Isn't that song, like,

super-fast and impossible for children to play?

No. It's... It's easy. Listen.

♪ Like Kurosawa I make mad films

♪ Yeah, I don't make films

♪ But if I did I'd have a samurai ♪

[MUMBLING]

♪ Flying off the back swing

This isn't easy.

[MUMBLES] Yeah.

[MUSIC STOPS] No.

Now that I hear it, it's a real tough song.

So, we don't have to do it?

All the more reason to!

Just 'cause something's hard doesn't mean

you should give up. What do you say?

I say we're guaranteed to fail in a very public forum.

I hear "yes."

From the top.

Five, six, seven, eight!

[BAND PLAYING OUT OF SYNC] Come on! Fast fingers! Who's with me?

Wow. It is fast. But it's okay, we got this.

[TRUMPET PLAYING]

I'm running out of breath. It's very fast.

♪ One of these days You're gonna get outta here

♪ Live your life And finally be free

♪ Go where you wanna go Do what you wanna do

♪ Someday, you will say "Those were the days"

LAINEY: It was October 23rd, 1990-something,

and the week was starting with a nasty epidemic.

Okay, guys, listen up. Another teacher down.

First Cinoman, then Crosby.

Now Taraborelli just called in sick.

Oh, my God. A kid just yacked in Neiman's class.

Ugh. Oh, it's this flu going around.

Nobody come near me. I'm already at my goal weight.

Most of the year, nobody even thinks about the janitor.

Suddenly flu season, and the man with the vomit sawdust

is the belle of the ball.

I'm all of a sudden not feeling so great, either.[STOMACH GURGLES]

I better hazmat up.

Okay, all hands on deck. I need everybody to pitch in.

Uh, C.B., I need you to take Coop's Spanish classes.

People do say I'm the Ricky Martin of William Penn.

Your nana and who else?

Rick, can you take Taraborelli's class?Got it.

And, Wilma, can you handle Crosby's wood shop? Thank you.

And then, last but least, social studies, and...

I'm gonna go make a few calls.

Where Principal Sweater Vest?

He say he need me substitute.

Don't you work in the kitchen?

I sometimes teach talk class, too.

Talk class?

The English? "Blah, blah, blah."

Mother. Hi.

Thank you for returning my call.

How do you feel about teaching home ec?

John, I can't help but notice

you never pick me to substitute.

Gotta go.

Maybe I'll regret asking you why, but...

No, it's a good instinct.

You've got a lunch lady teaching Honors English.

Petra has five advanced degrees.

She sent the first cosmonaut to Mars.

A cosmonaut made it to Mars?

Well, made it most of the way.

That's why she's here making pierogis. Win-win.

Doesn't sound like anyone won.

Try her pierogis and get back to me.

Come on. Nelson's out sick

and you've got no one to teach home ec.

I can crack an egg.

No, you can't. You're not minimally competent.

[GASPS] Yeah, well, you have a weird head!

Whoa. I'm gonna let that slide

because I'm very secure in my head shape.

"Minimally competent" is an official term.

All substitutes need a certificate from the state

saying you have the lowest level of remedial knowledge

in basic subjects like reading and math.

I have a diploma from this school.

You'll have to do better than that.

This is important to me, John.

Everyone else is pitching in.

How do I get one of these certificates?

You can get certified in a week at night school.

C.B. is actually teaching a class at the community college.

That's even better. He gives out lollipop for A's.

This is adult education.

Well, then, maybe he gives out free cigarettes or something.

I don't know. As long as I get something free.

Back in the day, each sub had their own style.

The sub that showed movies...

Your calculus teacher called in sick,

so we're gonna watch a math-based movie.

Cannonball Run II.

How is that a math movie?

Two.

Got a number in it. Math.

LAINEY: ...the sub who took it way too seriously.

Sometimes, you had a random non-teacher who confused you...

I'll be your sub for the next 30 days.Sweet.

It's gonna be a lot of learning today,

so if you gotta make, do it now.

LAINEY: ...and some teachers like C.B.,

who used the opportunity of subbing

to learn something new themselves.

[SPEAKING SPANISH]

"The farmer was riding a burrito"?

No. Oh.

A "burrito" means small donkey.

Makes me wonder what I've been eating at the Taco Hut.

Thank you, Tom Scott, for opening our ojos

to the perils of rapidofood.

Wilma, you're a science gal.

Got to teach a quantum physics class in about 10 minutes.

So, my question is Sister Act or Mrs. Doubtfire?

I'd go with Sister Act

because I'm showing Mrs. Doubtfirein wood shop.

When will it be safe to go back into the teacher's lounge?

It depends on if he has hazmat suits for the rest of us.

Hmm. Well, I think I got all of our classes covered.

As long as we stay healthy, we're good.

[STOMACH GURGLES]

What was that?

Just got a little tug-of-war in my tummy.

I left my jerky out in the sun a little too long. I'll push through.

You're sick. You should go home.

No. Nobody goes home.

Everybody, relax. I have an elite immune system.

I could eat a ball of used Band-Aids

and not come down with so much as a sniffle.

Ooh. Wait.

You're burning up.

Yeah, well, we have the most important wrestling match

of the season on Friday.

Winner takes home the Jenkin Cup,

and I am not leaving this guy in charge of that.

He'll turn 'em into wusses. Do not worry.

I just need a little power nap in my office, and I'll be 100%.

[MUMBLES AND THUDS]

LAINEY: Turns out, nothing was 100%,

especially my marching band.

[MARCHING BAND PLAYING OFF-KEY]

[MUSIC STOPS] Okay. Good stuff.

It's really coming along. Any questions?

Any questions that aren't about if I'll let you quit?

Eh, it's not about quitting per se,

but what if we pivot and do Three Blind Miceinstead?

Okay. Take five, and, uh, study your sheet music.

And no nursery rhymes.

Uh, Glascott said you wanted to see me?

Yeah, I'm taking your night-school class so I can become a sub.

Aw, sweet. That's totally cool that you care.

But also, why do you care?

I'm just so tired of always being passed over

like I'm not even there.

Lainey Lewis, I see you.

What are you doing?

I'm not sure. Uh, class starts at 8:00.

We're gonna be hitting the geography on the test tonight.

Test? What test? Why is there a test?

'Cause that's how classes work. You're a teacher.

It's troubling you don't know this.

Oh. [CHUCKLES] Got you. But, yeah, I quit.

Hey, never give up, kids.

No quitters in this class, right?

Except for me. Big quitter right here.

I thought you were tired of always being passed over.

I am, but I also thought your class was just

you doing lame puns in dorky costumes

as you gave out lollipops.

That's, like, so freaky that you said that

because that's exactly what I do.

I'm still out. So, we're good?

As a friend, I refuse to let you quit.

I already did. Didn't hear you.

Ready? Two, four, five.

[MARCHING BAND PLAYING] I already said no.

I can't hear you. I'm sorry.

Not happening! I'm so glad you're excited, though.

My God! You suck!

I'll see you at 8:00!

LAINEY: C.B. really wanted me to substitute.

Meanwhile, Glascott had already become one.

Nice wrestling, guys.

I like the look of all the wrestling.

I really like the looks of the wrestling.

They're doing well, right?

Ronnie should have pinned him by now.

Good note, Weasel.

Ronnie, whenever you are ready to "pin" him,

that would be super.

[GRUNTS] Sorry!

My head's not in it.

When Coach gets back, he'll straighten me out.

Well, right now, I am the coach.

In fact, isn't a former guidance counselor

just a coach by another name?

I've had Gatorade dumped on my head.

Not in victory, but by a clumsy waiter.

But I'm still qualified to give you advice.

Yeah. Like when I was worried

I didn't have the smarts to be a doctor, and you told me I did.

Just not one for people or animals...

Or trees.

And I steered you towards that job with the Rug Doctor.

I can help you like that.

Oh, I don't have the grades to be a rug doctor.

When you were having trouble pinning Karl,

was it him you were wrestling with,

or was it "inner Ronnie"?

Inner Ronnie?

Knock, knock.

Can "inner Ronnie" tell me what's on his mind?

Well, I guess we're both kinda bummed about my grandma.

She practically raised me.

Coach is listening.

Well, she's got this new boyfriend, Hank,

and he's never gonna be my grandpa.

No matter how many 50-cent pieces he pulls out of my ear.

I think you know what you'll have to do

before you're ready to wrestle Karl.

Wrestle Hank.

No. You need to open up to Hank and your granny,

and this time, let "inner Ronnie" do the talking.

Oh, thanks.

Yeah. I'm on it.

That's good coaching, Coach.

Thanks, Weasel.

What the hell kind of cockamamie practice is this?

Why is there no sweat on the mat?

Why is nobody wrestling?

Where's that musty armpit smell?

Rick, you should be home in bed. You look terrible.

I feel terrible, too. Got my temperature up to 104.8.

That's a personal best.

I stopped sweating 'cause I'm all out.

Where's Ronnie, my best wrestler?

I sent him home for some training.

Weights? Yes. Emotional ones.

And those are the heaviest of all.

No, they're not.

Emotions and feelings don't mix with wrestling.

I knew you'd botch this up.

I was actually making some real progress here.

By sending Ronnie home to cry in his journal?

Journaling would be a huge step.

I need to coach this team to victory over Valley Forge!

Whoa. Okay. Come on. We're taking you to the emergency room.

Huh? No way.

Not until you promise to call your colonel pal

and tell him to postpone this meet until I'm better

and I can undo all the coaching you did.

If that's what it takes, fine.

I will call Colonel Welch and postpone. Now let's go.

Hello, Colonel Welch?

Who is this? John Glascott over at William Penn.

Coach Mellor's come down with a fever,

and I promised him that we would postpone

until later, when he's better. Hell, no!

What the [BLEEP] was that?

LAINEY: After failing to postpone the wrestling meet,

Glascott had to break the news to Coach.

Rick? Hey, buddy, you feeling better?

LAINEY: He was still really sick, but recovering in his own way.

What's up, pal?!

Rick, shouldn't you be in bed?

There's no stopping the Mellor machine.

My mind is moving in a million different directions.

I just got an idea for a Police Academymovie.

I need a pen and some paper.

So, listen, I was talking to Colonel Welch

over at Valley Forge.

Valley Forge. Pivotal moment in the war.

I hope General Washington knows what he's doing,

that cherry-tree-chopping son of a bitch.

Yeah, and so, listen, I talked to Colonel Welch

about postponing the wrestling match,

but he's being a real blowhole.

You're a true friend. You and...

Have you met Eileen?

No. Oh. She's...

...a hell of a gal. Mmm.

She's a bit clingy, though, you know?

Don't worry, Rick. The boys and I won't let you down.

I know you won't, Jeremy.

Mmm-hmm. Godspeed.

I'll walk you to the door.

Stop smothering me, please!

LANEY: It was the first of CB's night-school classes,

and he was already diving into his trademark teaching style...

Silly costumes, baggy cargo pants, and close-up magic,

all to make boring subjects seem more fun.

And transitioning into state capitals,

but I don't need an outfit for that

because the fun is right there.

Alaska. What's the capital?

Peter, d'youknow?

No one's getting the puns.

Psst! Ms. Lewis.

What are you guys doing here?

Sorry, it's a marching-band emergency.

Is everybody okay?

We had a trombone/bass-drum collision during band practice.

Looks like the trombone won.

Not really.

So sorry. I have to replace these,

and the place closes at 10:00.

I'll be back if I can. Wait.

Before you go, what's the capital of Delaware?

Uh... While you're gone,

why don't you think it Dover?

I definitely will. [CHUCKLES] Let's go.

♪♪

Hey, thanks for the help, guys.

Although, you didn't actually have to break the instruments.

We really wanted to sell it.

You did poorly.

He knows!

[CHUCKLES] Hey, you.

Look, I can explain.

You paid children to help spin your desperate web of lies?

Yes, but they sucked, and I will be asking for the money back.

You should really get back to my class.

You're supposed to start subbing on Monday.What?

Virus took out the sixth grade history teacher,

and I told Glascott you'd be ready to fill in.

Why'd you do that? 'Cause you got a great teacher,

and he's gonna help you pass that test.

Or the teacher just passes me to be nice.

The teacher's not gonna do that.

Then the teacher needs to tell Glascott that he's a bonehead

for signing me up without even asking.

Don't call the teacher a bonehead.

Teacher's a bonehead, and his close-up magic is lame.

The teacher knows you're only saying that 'cause you're mad.

Does the teacher also know that gluing felt numbers

to his coat makes him look like a doofus?

Now you're just hurting the teacher's feelings,

but he still believes in you.

Ugh! I hate this super-caring and supportive teacher!

Teacher knows you don't mean that

and sees this as a happy end to the conversation.

Watch out for that bench.

LAINEY: On the day of the big meet,

Glascott was trying to be the inspiring coach Mellor said he could never be.

Principal Glascott, I'm back.

And I'm ready to wrestle.

Well, that's great, Ronnie, but what about your granny

and her special friend, Hank?

We all talked, and with your help,

I've come to accept my grandmother as a sensual being.

Those are the words I wanted to hear.

Thanks for everything, Coach.

That's right. I am the coach.

But I stand in the shadow of a great man, Coach Mellor.

A great man who doesn't always appreciate the crucial role

that guidance counseling can play in athletic success.

But nevertheless, I am honored to call him my best friend...

At work.

Let's win this one for Coach Mellor.

ALL: Yeah!

LAINEY: Glascott stepped out onto that mat

and coached his team the best way he knew how.

Ronnie, remember to love yourself,

no matter how this turns out!

I'm a work in progress, Coach!

[GRUNTING]

LAINEY: Glascott couldn't wait to share the good news with Mellor,

that he and the wrestlers had won the trophy just for him.

You won this for me? Are you crazy?

Why are you yelling? I thought you'd be happy.

Happy? I couldn't turn those kids into winners,

and you do it in two days?

I'm so mad right now!

Look, all I did was focus on the missing ingredients

that your team is in desperate need of.

Creatine? The answer better be creatine.

Emotional healing.

It's creatine of the mind.

They don't need any of that.

They need to work on their duck-unders, their single-legs,

their double-legs, their half-Nelsons.No Nelsons.

I just had them wrestle with their personal issues.

[CHUCKLES] Someone had to do it.

That someone is me, and I help them plenty with that stuff.

Do you?

Weasel, go!

My parents are going through this, like, really bad break-up,

and I just feel like it's all my fault.

Okay, here's what we're gonna do.

We're gonna pretend none of this was said.

And give me some frog squats.

Everybody knows that frog squats

are the cure for body and mind.

Can I give you a little advice, coach to coach?

No, because you're not a coach.

My trophy says otherwise.

This is not your trophy.

This is my trophy, even though you won it.

Look, champ...

No, no, no. Don't try to connect to me by using sports lingo.

I know that my more hands-on method

is a little scary for you...

No, don't sit backwards in the chair like you're cool

and relatable so I open up to you.

Come on, big guy. Let's dig into those feelings.

My feelings are locked and sealed

behind a solid wall of muscle that is my torso.

We both know a great coach

teaches more than just wrestling moves, ace.

You're not a coach, and I'm not good

at talking about feelings and problems.

You don't have to be good.

You just have to be there for 'em, slugger.

What if I can't be?

We both know that if anyone can do it,

it's you, Sporty McSportperson.

You run out of nicknames?

Yes. I have.

LAINEY: As Mellor was letting Glascott's advice sink in,

C.B. was hoping his own advice had worked on me.

Finally doing that practice test, I see.

Yeah. And you're right. I actually think I did pretty good.

I don't doubt that for a second.

Let's see what we got here.

Shoop. Magic. [CHUCKLES]

"Draw the food pyramid."

And then you just drew a bunch of apples into a pyramid.

Nailed it.

"When did the Cold War end?" "When it got hot."

That one's my fave.

"Name the four oceans."

"Jack, Chrissy, Janet, Mr. Roper"?

I love that show.

"What is pi?" And then you drew pie.

Boom. I'm a genius, right?

"Describe the Big Bang." "Really loud."

How'd I do?

Well, if it's a test for sarcasm and spite,

then you aced it.

Aw. My first A-plus.

Oh, your answers are so creative and infuriating.

You could've just spent the time studying.

You would've actually passed.

More like failed.

Look, when I was a student here,

taking tests and memorizing stuff was not my thing.

It's not the '80s, Lainey.

There's a ton of ways now to help people who learn differently.

Sounds like a nicer way to just say I'm a dummy.

No. You're just as smart as everyone else.

You just need to find another way of learning that works best for you.

Or I just stick to music.

That's the one thing that always comes easy

and always makes sense to me.

Well, I believe you can do much more than that.

Maybe it's time to stop believing in me.

♪♪

I had given up on wanting to become a substitute

and was back to focusing on the one thing

I was already qualified to teach... Music.

[BAND PLAYING FAST JAZZ MUSIC]

[MUSIC STOPS]

Wow! See what happens when you don't give up?

I mean, do I feel bad for bribing some of you guys

to help me give up when I found something challenging?

100%, yes.

But this isn't about me and how much I suck.

It's about how you guys are hot like wasabi

when you bust rhymes.

C.B.: That sounded pretty spicy to me.

I'd put it on my burrito,

which apparently means "small donkey."

Listen, I really hate the idea

of you missing that test tonight.

I love that you care so much,

but what's the point if I'm not even gonna pass?

You're obviously unfamiliar

with the CB "Jam while you cram" study technique.

Okay, guys, let's do a rehearsal.

One, two, three.

[MARCHING BAND PLAYS BARENAKED LADIES' ONE WEEK] ♪ It is Denver, Colorado

♪ And California... That's got Sacramento

♪ Honolulu, Hawaii-i

♪ Utah's where you'll find Salt Lake City

♪ How can I help you, Lainey, figure out these capitals?

♪ I wanna teach you Columbus, Ohio

♪ I'm the kinda guy who loves to go to Madison

♪ Don't understand where that is?

♪ Wisconsin

♪ These are the state capitals

♪ Where is Boise? It's right there in Idaho

♪ Phoenix, Arizona

♪ And Harrisburg is right here in Pennsylvania

♪ Massachusetts is Boston

♪ And you know that Texas is Austin

♪ And maybe we can visit Albany

♪ To celebrate you passing this geography? ♪

[MUSIC STOPS] Wow.

You made yourself look like a total jackass just for me?

Well, I... I... Well, I thought I looked pretty awesome.

You said you're not much for memorizing facts.

How about lyrics?

That, I can do.

Thanks, C.B.

It's important to remember

that learning isn't just for students.

We teachers have to keep growing, too.

And even though it may seem tough at times,

all you really need is the right person to guide you.

My God, she's glorious.

You got yourselves one heck of a trophy there, boys.

It's all thanks to you, Coach G.

It's Mr. G. You got your real coach back.

♪ ...getting to the point where we have ♪

Ronnie, wait. ♪ Almost made amends ♪

I know you've been wrestling

with some family problems lately.

Ah, nah, it's just dumb stuff about my grandma.

Who raised you by herself and is like a mom to you?Yeah.

When I was your age, it was just me and my mom.

When she found someone new, it was tough.

Wish I had someone to talk to.

So, I'm here if you need me. Always.

Thanks.

Well, look who finally took a page

out of the John Glascott playbook.

♪ I'll pick you up

♪ And if you court... ♪

Here.

Little thank you for coaching me, coach.

Stop. All you've ever wanted

was to have this trophy in your case.

Yeah, well, I'd much rather have it in your office.

You earned it... Champ.

Thanks, slugger.

♪ So, if you call

♪ I will answer

♪ If you fall

♪ I'll pick you up

♪ If you court... ♪ C.B.: Hi.

Looks like someone earned their lollipop.

Holy crap! I aced the test?

I've never done that before.

Well, like I said, all you needed

was a different way to learn.

Hey, CB? Next time you see the teacher,

thank him for always believing in me.

I'll let him know.

♪ Those crazy, messed-up things that you do

♪ If you ever... ♪ LAINEY: And so, the next time a teacher called in sick,

Glascott had another substitute he could rely on... Me.

♪♪

Hello, everybody, I'm sitting here with the real C.B.

Can you break dance? Absolutely not.

So, I'm gonna teach you the most basic stall.Okay.

So, you're gonna go like this.

I know. [CHUCKLES]

So, then, just like... What?

Yeah. Okay, yeah, no, that'll work.

That's actually really cool.

You grab your foot... Yeah.

...and then you... Jump over it.

Oh, my God. And freeze.

Hey, guys, I got a fun idea.

We should go see that new movie Outbreak.

A deadly virus takes out a whole city?

[CHUCKLES] Sound familiar?

I already saw it with Barry before the flu crushed this place.

It's too soon, dude.

I'm boycotting AMC until they start letting me

use my ab-roller in the aisle.

The real star was that monkey.

Pretty sure it was Marcel from Friends.

It was not Marcel from Friends.

Why? Because he's known for comedy?

You don't think Marcel can cross over into dramatic roles?

Marcel is a completely different sub-species.

It's called acting, Wilma.

Tom Cruise isn't a vampire, either.

Okay, look, this movie has Dustin Hoffman and maybe Marcel.

We gotta go.

[STOMACH GURGLES]

Was that you?

I don't think so. Oh, no.

It's starting. No, no. It's impossible.

I got confirmation from Nurse Steve

that the school is... [STOMACH GURGLES]

...clear and free of that pesky ol' virus.

You don't look so good.

No, no. I feel great. [CHUCKLES]

But I... I actually... I... I gotta go real quick

and take care of some urgent business.

Um, I'm gonna be gone for possibly four to six days.

[STOMACH GURGLES] Oh, no! Oh!

♪♪