Original subtitles

LAINEY: Back in the '90s, women's sports

had an unprecedented surge in popularity,

and for good reason... Those women were kicking butt.

At William Penn, the girls' soccer team continued that trend.

* Ohhhh

* Hey, yo, it's time to get the party started

* It don't take much for me to Mardi Gras it

* And I'm fly regardless

LAINEY: Unfortunately, the football team

was trending in the opposite direction.

Aw, come on!

* Ready to mix, and I'm ready to twist

Between the uprights!

* Tell me, baby, is you ready for this?

* Are you ready for this? * You ready for this?

We get zero points for what you just did!

* Hey, hey * Are you ready for this?

* Are you ready for this?

Whoa! Heads up!

* Hey *

Don't take it personally!

There's no way he was aiming for you!

John, my football team's season is in danger.

I need you to bring back last season's kicker

and make him play another year.

He graduated. He's in the Coast Guard now.

You know damn well nobody respects

maritime law enforcement more than me,

but my season is on the line.

Rick, I don't have time for your impossible whims.

Okay, fine. Then how about, instead, you let me recruit

one of those field-goal-kicking mules?

That's ridiculous.

Mules are way too stubborn to work well on a team.

I'm good with mules. Let me coach him up!

Well, what about the exorbitant costs

of altering our current helmets

to fit his equine snout and cute little mule ears?

How am I gonna win any games if I can't kick field goals?

Wait. Actually, I do know someone who might work.

Keep an eye on number three.

Isn't that your niece Felicia?

Are you suggesting we put a girl on the football team

dressed as a boy

until she dramatically reveals that she's actually a girl,

like in a reverse version of the movie Ladybugs?

No. It seems like you're leaving a lot on the table.

Just put a girl on the football team.

COACH: No way in hell.

(GROANS) (CROWD GROANS)

Let's put a girl on the football team! (LAUGHS)

* One of these days, you're gonna get outta here

* Live your life and finally be free

* Go where you wanna go, do what you wanna do

* Someday, you will say "Those were the days" *

LAINEY: It was October 16th, 1990-something,

and I was on a mission.

Hey, Mr. Ball, I heard you're still looking

for volunteers for that ski trip. Indeed.

I would love to throw my hat in the ring.

I am just going to remove that hat from the ring

and gently toss it back upon your head.

I'm happy to do it, Mr. Ball.

No need to call me "Mr. Ball."

Call me by my ski name, "The Mogul King."

(IMITATES WHOOSHING)

I'll call you "Mogul King" if it gets me a free ski trip.

Perfect. Got a couple young rippers

gonna help me carve up the fresh pow-pow.

How come these nerds get to go and I don't?

I can totally carve up some fresh pow-pow.

Ms. Lewis, field trips are notorious

for student misbehavior,

something you may be familiar with.

Okay, I admit it.

I wasn't always the most well-behaved student

on field trips.

You swam in the reflecting pool in Washington, D.C.

It's called a pool for a reason.

You stole a buggy in Amish country.

I needed to get to the next town to plug in a hair dryer.

I don't know what you did at the Liberty Bell,

but William Penn is not allowed there until 2025.

2125, actually.

The last thing I need

is a former bad student on the ski trip

teaching those deviants your old tricks.

I am not that immature student

you used to send to detention back when you were principal.

I'm a responsible teacher now.

Um, you know, Mr. Ball, Lainey's got a fair point.

She's different now. Let her prove it.

Fine.

Ms. Lewis, you win.

Thanks. You won't regret it.

Mm!

Appreciate the backup, dude. I meant it.

You're on your way to being

almost as good of a teacher as me.

Wait. What did you do at the Liberty Bell?

I am not at "liberty" to say.

(CHUCKLES) Puns.

Seriously, the court said I can't talk about it.

Now, remember, Felicia can be strong-willed

and uncompromising, just like her uncle.

Her Uncle Charles, not me.

I'm a total pushover. (CHUCKLES)

John, I have a bit of a bone to pick.

Any chance it's with someone other than me?

Why was The Female Eunuch by Germaine Greer

rejected from the reading list for my class?

Because you teach algebra?

Exactly.

Before my young female scholars

can understand complicated equations,

they need to understand the barriers against excelling

that the patriarchy places in their path.

Well, Liz, I'm all for excelling,

as long as it doesn't involve the word "eunuch."

Me too. You'll find no bigger booster of women learning math.

My tax guy... A gal, and she smells terrific.

Hey! Felicia! There's the niece I was waiting to see.

Catch you later, hottie.

What if I catch you first?

Loving uncle here.

I'm just gonna laugh until the uncomfortable moment passes.

(LAUGHING NERVOUSLY)

Felicia, we want to ask you something.

Now, just keep an open mind.

All right, shoot. How would you

like to be the kicker on the football team?

Sure. You could be a trailblazer.

All right. Living history.

I said I'll do it. Oh.

We thought you would put up more of a fight.

Only girl on an all-boy football team?

It's kinda punk rock. (CHUCKLES)

Some people wanted a mule, but we said, "No!

"Bring us the girl."

(GLASCOTT CHUCKLES)

Good kid, good kid, nice kid, nerdy kid...

Oh, sorry... And... No, no.

(CHUCKLES) Double trouble.

Who? Us? Uh, dur.

Yes, you.

Whatever morally questionable

and totally epic thing you're planning,

it's not happening on my skip trip.

Sure. No!

Don't wink like we're on the same side.

I mean it. Understood.

No! Don't you wink, too.

Okay, got it... No more winking.

Dudes, I used to be you.

I know ski trips mean hot tubs, hot toddies,

and filling your hollowed-out ski poles with wine coolers.

Whoa! I never thought about that.

Ignore what I said.

This ski trip is for actual skiing only.

Got it? That makes no sense.

Who just skis on a ski trip? LAINEY: You.

The reason I'm on this trip

is to prove I can actually be a responsible teacher.

Ew. Don't do that.

Yeah. You're the only cool teacher in this school.

Aww. You guys think that?

Nope, nope. Don't care. Get on the bus. Go.

Wow. You really do have an eye for evil.

Well, it wouldn't have been possible

if you hadn't stuck up for me.

Eh, that's what friends are for.

How about we sit together on the bus?

Save you a seat? Sure.

Psst. Hey. Yeah?

Are you sure that Lainey's not into you?

Oh, yeah, definitely.

She put her hand on your arm for a whole five seconds.

Oh, come on. That didn't mean anything.

**

Mm.

Tell me that meant nothing.

Yeah, that was pretty intimate.

Yeah, for me, too.

CB, you coming or what?

Yes.

(LAUGHS) I told you so.

Stop it. Just... Please. It... All right.

LAINEY: The whole ride up, CB couldn't stop thinking about what Coop had said.

(VIDEO GAME BEEPING)

Hey, guys, could you turn down the volume just a little bit?

Don't want to wake up Sleeping Beauty.

(BEEPING VOLUME DECREASES)

I called her that 'cause she's sleeping,

not 'cause she's a beauty. (SNORING)

I mean, she is a beauty, but she has a boyfriend, so...

His name's Barry, and he's a doctor somehow.

I don't know.

I should stop anyway. My hand's killing me.

Yeah, it's called Nintendo thumb.

Here. Let me help.

LAINEY: The other thing about ski trips was all the teen romance.

I-I should probably return this cable to Erin.

Good idea. Mm-hmm.

Do it to it. LAINEY: Or not.

(SIGHS)

Psst! CB, come here.

It's an emergency.

(THUD)

What's up?

Normally I would never go to a teacher with this kind of stuff,

but you're, like, very wise and super worldly.

That I am, yeah.

I've ran with the bulls, swam with the dolphins.

Um, the key to being accepted into their pod

is by bringing a host gift, like smelts.

I'm actually talking about girls.

Ah. I've swum with them, too.

Coed water polo team.

I worked the scoreboard, but still counts.

Bend my ear. What do you got?

I've been hanging with Lana for like three months,

and I-I-I really want to kiss her,

but when the moment's there, I just chicken out.

Mm.

Sounds like a classic case of smooch block.

It has a name?

Yes.

Getting that first kiss ain't easy.

(SNORING) (CB SIGHS)

In some cases, seems impossible,

but fear not, Tom Scott.

It'll happen when the time is right.

(CHUCKLES)

LAINEY: Turns out CB wasn't just giving advice

about Tom Scott's situation.

That was also advice for himself.

Got your back, bro.

While CB was coaching about matters of the heart,

Felicia was ready to make William Penn football history.

And, wow, did she deliver.

(ALL CHEERING) That's my girl!

And kept on delivering.

(ALL CHEERING) Wow!

But with every kick,

Raday was starting to see Felicia as just one of the guys...

(TEAM CHEERING)

...and his crush on her was fading away.

**

Alec?

GLASCOTT: Great news, everyone.

The Jenkintown newspaper wants to do a story

about Felicia joining the football team. Yes!

I'm quitting the football team.

No! Why?

What's the problem?

I'm just not into it anymore.

Is it the uniforms? Are they too boyish?

We could re-hem the pants.

We'll give the... The pants pockets. Women love pockets.

The uniforms are fine.

Felicia, you have a gift. You should be celebrating it.

I don't want to overstate this,

but you are literally the most important woman in William Penn history.

Pennsylvania history.

Gertrude Stein and Patti LaBelle can suck my big toe.

I don't want to talk about it anymore.

I'm done.

LAINEY: After my early morning shakedown,

Earl Ball had started seeing me

more as a good teacher instead of a bad student,

and I was determined to keep it that way.

Aha. The hijinks brigade.

And where do you think you're going?

Oh, we were just gonna head down to the fire pit.

And we're only drinking lemonade.

Don't worry, Mr. Ball. I got my eyes on these kids.

Seems like your bad-student past is but a distant memory.

Well, if you'll excuse me,

The Mogul King is about to get crispy on the slopes.

(PAGER BEEPS)

Everybody's down by the fire pit.

We should head out. Hold on there, Piper.

I didn't want to bring this up in front of Ball, but...

Alcoholic lemonade? Really?

Me trusting you guys is the only reason you're even on this trip,

and this is how you repay me?

You know this is grounds for suspension, right?

Come on, Ms. Lewis.

We've heard all about your crazy stories.

You played Hells Bells on the Liberty Bell.

How do you know that?

Yeah, you've made mistakes,

and obviously we have, too.

Can you please just give us one more chance?

Okay. But no more screw-ups, all right?

Just keep it to marshmallows and campfire songs,

and the only touching allowed

is handshakes and high fives.

Get out of here.

Boy, being a good teacher is stressful.

I think I deserve a little contraband.

(SPITS)

What the hell? This is just regular lemonade!

**

No problem, Lainey.

All right, I'll see you down there. Bye.

(RECEIVER CLACKS)

Down where?

Uh, the lounge. She wants to talk.

Do you have any idea what happens down at the lounge?

Lounging? Misbehavior.

Look, Coop, you want something to happen

that is just not gonna happen.

Lainey doesn't have those feelings for me,

so it's not like she's sitting down in the lounge...

Mm-hmm. ...waiting to have some crazy make-out session with me.

Mm. So just let it go.

I'm gonna go down there,

gonna have a nice, casual hangout session

with a nice platonic friend, okay? Okay.

Hey, Lainey.

How are ya?

It's me in the lounge with you.

Drink this.

Straight down to it, huh?

(CHUCKLES)

Mm.

That is not very hard for hard lemonade.

That's because there's no alcohol in it.

Piper and those other little bastards

knew my coolness was my weak spot and exploited it.

Oh. So this is about the kids?

I'm gonna punch Coop right in the face.

So now they're out partying and I have no idea where.

Wait. Benji's using a pager, just like Piper was.

I bet they're talking to each other.

I'm gonna go confiscate it. Wait. Wait, no.

Hold on 'cause he'll just tip them off.

I have an idea. Watch. Ready? Okay.

I love the beam work, don't you? Yeah.

It's really fascinating... Oh! Oh!

I'm so sorry, Benji.

No problem, Mr. Brown. You okay?

Yeah. I'm going to the fire pits.

Okay. Take care. Have a great day.

Ta-da!

How did you do that?

I played The Artful Dodger

in the camp production of Oliver, m'lady.

All right. All we have to do is message Alex Piper

and get him to tell us where the party is.

No, he's not gonna respond to you,

but he will respond to Benji.

"Yo, Pipe-dawg."

Absolutely not. I'm erasing this.

That's...harsh.

LAINEY: Meanwhile, Glascott and Mellor brought Liz up to speed

on Felicia quitting football,

knowing she'd have some great advice.

You gotta be (BLEEP) kidding me.

That poor child is obviously upset

because you pressured her to abandon women's sports

for the honor of playing on the boys' team.

Exactly! It's a big promotion.

And it gives hope to all the other girls

that someday they may be good enough to play with the boys.

You gotta be (BLEEP) kidding me.

I think Felicia went back to soccer

because she felt guilty

for abandoning her sisters of the grass.

And you just assumed that the football team

is automatically more important.

Well, we do have cheerleaders and a marching band.

Plus a snack bar that stays open the whole game.

We even added walking tacos.

You gotta be (BLEEP) kidding me.

Wh...

LAINEY: Glascott and Mellor took Liz's keen feminist insight...

And ignored it in favor of a bribe.

What's this?

A gift certificate to the Spaghetti Shack.

Used to be a Radio Shack. They just changed the sign.

You and Felicia have a reservation there tonight.

Felicia? Wait. What?

Yes. Felicia.

Turns out that your icky budding relationship is very important to her.

So, in order to get her back on the team,

we need you to take her out.

I-I don't know.

What do I say is the most important quality

for a player to have?

To be big and strong like Ronnie?

Also to be a team player.

A team player who would like to make two very powerful friends?

That's us, by the way.

(GULPS)

To the good times and the thick sauces

of the Spaghetti Shack.

I can't believe that Alex had the balls

to throw a rager right in the middle of the damn ski lodge.

How could he be so stupid?

'Cause the last time you caught him with booze,

you just took it and drank it immediately yourself.

Wrong. (SCOFFS) I spit it out 'cause it wasn't booze.

You got me there.

(SNIFFS) Why do you smell like a mom?

Oh, it's ck one. It's a unisex cologne.

Doesn't matter.

Just go in there, lay down the law. I got your back.

Or you go lay down the law, and I get your back.

My God. I thought this was about proving you're actually responsible.

Ugh! You're right.

I just got to accept the fact

that I'm a buzzkill adult who the cool kids hate.

What you're describing is a teacher.

(FOOTSTEPS APPROACHING)

CB, I've been looking for you everywhere.

Oh, can it wait, pal?

'Cause I'm... I'm in the middle of something.

No. It's a kiss-related emergency.

I'll just be one quick sec.

This morning at breakfast,

I thought I finally had my shot with Lana.

Mm. We were both getting waffles

and reached for the syrup at the exact same time.

Uh-huh. Our eyes met, and it was on.

(TECHNO MUSIC PLAYING) Now they're just openly blasting awesome techno music.

Are you coming or not? I'll be right behind you.

Okay, okay. Turn off that contagious beat right now.

You are so busted.

Look who it is... Our favorite teacher, Ms. Lewis!

Ba-ba-ba-ba. I know that's a boozy lemonade in your hand.

What? No, it's... It's literally not.

I already told you. There's nothing going on here.

There's a margarita station.

It's a healthy smoothie station.

And beer pong! Apple juice pong.

And a mob of sketchy frat dudes

in the middle of a keg stand.

(MEN GRUNT)

Okay. Fine.

My cousin Gary hooked us up

when I realized you weren't gonna buy us beer.

Why would you ever think I'd buy you beer?

Because even though you're a teacher,

you're still, like, one of us.

Not anymore.

One week suspension.

No! What?

You're not winking. Why aren't you winking?

No wink this time. You said it yourself...

You used to be us.

Yeah, but you know what I really needed back then?

A teacher like me now to set me straight

so I could actually learn something useful in high school

and not just how to raise hell.

Can you please stop keg-standing

as I get through to these kids?

My God, you suck, cousin Gary.

**

Uh, hey, Felicia.

Um, hey, Alec.

Would you like to go on a date with me?

Wait. Are you serious?

Mm-hmm.

I totally thought things had gotten weird between us.

Weird? What? Why? No, no, no. I-I-I want to.

This is my decision and no one else's.

What are you looking at?

**

Did you guys put him up to this?

We were just trying to help.

By totally humiliating me?

We were trying to fix things so you'd come back to football.

That's what this is about?

Me kicking for your stupid team?

You should be ashamed of yourselves.

What were you thinking, Uncle John?

Felicia, I was just... No.

You don't talk to me anymore.

You need to find a new kicker,

and you need to find a new niece.

**

LAINEY: But that wasn't the only disaster going on.

So, then I thought, "What if I propose to her?

"Then everybody would clap. Then she'd have to kiss me."

No. Do not do that. That's...

Hey. I'm sorry.

I-I... I'm still here if you need help.

I figured it out. See you in the morning, buddy.

CB, come on.

The trip's almost over. What should I do?

I don't know, man. Give up?

Maybe you're just destined to be the nice guy

who she uses as a pillow

when she wants to dream about her real boyfriend.

I'm not following.

What I mean is, when it comes to romance,

I can't teach you anything, okay?

So do yourself a favor

and ask anyone else in the world but me.

**

LAINEY: After disappointing Felicia,

Mellor and Glascott knew they had to make things right.

Sorry to interrupt your practice,

but we'd like to talk to my superstar niece, if you don't mind.

FELICIA: Get him! Whoa!

GLASCOTT: Good Lord!

We just want... Hold on! Can you please stop?

How dare you? Just give us a moment.

Sisters, I love your power, but remember,

the non-child-bearing gender

doesn't have our tolerance for pain.

Thank you, Ms. Flemming!

And I'm sure the balls thank you

for saving them from this brick wall that is my body.

I'm just here to endorse your decision

to stay with the Lady Quakers

and not let these two pressure you into playing football.

We're not here to pressure her.

We came to apologize, Felicia.

We just want to support you and encourage you

to do whatever you choose.

I really liked being kicker,

but then Raday started acting all weird.

Wait. You quit the team because of that dumb boy?

Yeah. I just figured if high-school boys

were gonna start acting all stupid,

then I might as well just keep playing soccer.

I'm sorry, but you can't let what some guy thinks

stop you from a groundbreaking opportunity to play football.

Wait. Is she on our side now?

I'm on the side of women standing up for themselves

and achieving their potential.

And if that young man made you doubt yourself in any way,

then you use that golden foot to kick him to the curb.

You're right. Thank you, Ms. Flemming.

LAINEY: And with that, Felicia was back on the team.

You got a problem with me being on the team?

No. Maybe.

You are so weak. You lost out to a girl. Boo-hoo.

Look, if you can't handle me being a better athlete than you,

then that's your problem, not mine.

LAINEY: Changing how the world sees you

happens one person at a time,

but what matters most is that we stay true to ourselves

because when we shine bright...

(THE VERVE'S BITTER SWEET SYMPHONY PLAYING)

...those who care about us most shine right along with us.

You just need the courage to put yourself out there

and do your very best

because that's how you truly change the game.

(AIR BRAKES HISS)

Oh. Thank God that's over.

Are you coming?

Uh, give me a sec.

LAINEY: As for CB, he finally knew what advice to give Tom Scott.

Hey, man.

I just want to say I'm sorry for freaking out.

Doesn't matter. I lost my chance.

Ski trip's over.

Look, maybe I don't have much to teach when it comes to romance,

but the one thing I do know...

Life sucks when you're too afraid

to tell someone how you really feel.

**

* No change, I can't change, I can't change, I can't change

TOM: Lana, wait.

* But I'm here in my mold, I am here in my mold

I really, really like you.

I-I like you, too.

So, that means we like each other.

So, now what?

Now I'd like to kiss you.

* No, no, no, no, no, no, no

LAINEY: It turns out that courage takes a lot of different forms.

But sometimes being brave is the only way you can find love

and the only way that love can find you.

All you got to do is just be willing to take a chance.

* But tonight I'm on my knees, yeah

Hi, Lainey. Um, can we talk for a sec?

Can it wait till Monday?

Being a responsible buzzkill is, like, super draining.

Still counts. I'm proud of you.

I didn't know saying goodbye to being one of the cool kids would be so hard.

I'm really gonna miss the old me who raised hell.

Well, I think the new you is pretty amazing.

* No change, I can't change, I can't change, I can't change

(SINGSONG VOICE) Lainey!

Barry?

Don't be mad. I know you hate surprises.

* And I'm a million different people

* From one day to the next

* I can't change my mold, no, no, no, no, no, no, no *

You okay?

CB: No, but... (BOTH LAUGHING)

...on the bright side, I helped Tom Scott with Lana.

Wait. You did that?

Yeah. I had no choice.

Stupid kid was gonna propose to her. (CHUCKLES)

**

I'm the real Tom Scott,

and I did actually marry my high-school girlfriend,

Lana Eisenstein.

(CHUCKLES)

And it did take him forever to kiss me.

That is sad and so true. (LAUGHS)

Excellent chaperone work, Ms. Lewis.

I'll see you on the D.C. trip.

I think Earl Ball just called me a good teacher.

Also, his face is gonna peel like a mother.

He looks like a Thanksgiving turkey

with extra cranberry sauce.

He looks like a red panda.

He looks like a cherry Push Pop.

He looks like a Wawa hot dog.

He looks like a newborn.

Have you ever seen one of those?

Yeah.

Thanks for helping me find the kids.

You got it.

(BREATHES DEEPLY) Ooh, boy.

(SIGHS)

That was a pretty intimate high five.

Shut up, Coop.