Original subtitles

LAINEY: My first year at William Penn,

I thought I'd really connected with the students.

But then, over the summer, Barry and I saw

Dangerous Minds, starring Michelle Pfeiffer.

There are no victims in this classroom!

LAINEY: Seeing that movie made me realize

I could go deeper,

really get involved with these kids, which they need,

because they are dealing with a lot of scary stuff.

For my second year back, I was determined to get

all up in their business by going full Pfeiffer.

(COOLIO'S GANGSTA'S PARADISE PLAYS)

(INDISTINCT CONVERSATIONS)

Good. I got your attention.

Sextuplets. Six notes per measure.

Oh, yeah, we're goin' there.

(STUDENTS GROAN) Oh, come on.

Welcome to Guitar 2. Any questions?

Yeah, why are you dressed like Olivia Newton-John at the end of Grease?

(LAUGHTER) I'm not.

I'm dressed like your worst nightmare.

A teacher who cares.

The curriculum says the first song we're learning

is Row, Row, Row Your Boat.

(CHUCKLES)

That's not real-life stuff.

How many of you have ever even rowed a boat?

But was it gently down a stream?

Exactly.

I want to teach music that speaks to me,

like Fiona Apple.

What song speaks to you, Bobby Maloney?

Is Row, Row, Row Your Boat definitely off the table?

What about you, Aaron Rubin?

Who Let the Dogs Out?

Ow!

Why would you throw that?

As your prize for a great answer.

Next time, you should try throwing it to somebody

with better hand-eye coordination.

Like my blind grandma. (LAUGHTER)

Sure, Ronnie. Laugh through the pain.

But having a blind grandma sounds heavy.

If you ever want to rap about it...

Yeah, I'd like that.

It's been hard 'cause she has to touch my face

with her weird old-lady hands all the time.

Veronica, when parents are stressed,

sometimes, the children feel the pain.

But you're a resilient young woman.

You will get through this kitchen remodel.

To make toast, I have to walk all the way to the garage.

Hey, there are no victims in this classroom.

But if you start to feel overwhelmed,

you can call me anytime on my new mobile phone.

555-0159.

I may take you up on that.

My parents are picking out tile tonight,

and they're a mile apart.

Good luck.

Rick!

How was your summer?

I went zip-lining in Costa Rica,

and I fed fresh clams to a capuchin monkey.

Hmm. Nobody tells you what to do when you run out of clams.

I heard you giving out your personal phone number to a student.

This year, I decided I wanna give these kids more.

Classic second-year-teacher mistake.

They suck you in with their needy, little faces,

and the next thing you know, you're at their house,

pretending to be their butler so you can impress

some rich girl they met at soccer camp.

On the plus side,

I did learn how to make a mean beef Wellington.

I would totally do that.

As your mentor, I have to say that

getting too close will end up biting you in the ass,

like a small but aggressive monkey jonesing for clams.

* One of these days You're gonna get outta here *

* Live your life And finally be free *

* Go where you wanna go Do what you wanna do *

* Someday, you will say "Those were the days" *

Barry, guess what. I'm walking into the hallway.

I know! The reception is so clear!

I said it's clear.

Wait. Hold on. You're breaking up.

Breaking up!

No! No, no! Not us! No, we're not breaking up!

Barry, are you crying?

(MOBILE PHONE BEEPS) Mm.

This thing is a miracle.

Wow. Looks like Lainey Lewis

joined the space program over the summer.

Barry and I got them so we can stay

in constant contact with each other.

We are crushing the long-distance-relationship thing.

So, you guys made it through the summer, then?

Ah. Man, that's good.

Still going strong, like Brad and Gwyneth.

Brad and Gwyny are splitsville.

But they got the same haircut!

I had a pretty bitchin' summer.

I, uh... I did the whole Renaissance Faire circuit.

I threw some pottery. Oh. You all have

some Swedish butter pots coming, by the way.

So, where's this new teacher we're supposed to be meeting?

I just left a bunch of unsupervised fourth-graders

to Clorox my gym mats.

Oh! Well, here she is now.

Everyone... C.B.: Hey!

...this is our new biology teacher, Miss Wilma Howell.

(CHUCKLES) Hi.

I was clever enough to steal Wilma away

from my good friend the commandant

at Valley Forge Prep.

If you've never heard a Marine Colonel sobbing on the phone,

it is actually very unsettling.

He's a good friend and a real American hero.

What do you got there?

Treats on the first day, huh?

Oh, are these mochi balls?

Actually, mouse-y balls.

Frozen baby mice I feed to my classroom snake.

That's really upsetting.

It's biology. Circle of life.

Sadly, nothing will shock these kids.

They see worse out there every day

in this snake-eat-mice world.

Do I need to put my name on this?

Uh, I think the whole freezer's yours now.

Uh, let me get my lean cuisines out of there.

What? It's how Coop keeps it tight.

Must be a culture shock, Wilma, coming from a military school.

Well, if it helps ease the transition at all,

please feel free to call me Colonel Fun.

Oh, by the way, Friday is Pajama Day,

and that's an order from the colonel.

Yes! (ALL MURMURING)

All you folks here are all so, uh, cheerful

and nice. C.B.: Thank you.

We're actually trying to change the official school motto

to "Hakuna Matata." (CHUCKLES)

Yes, but we're getting a surprising amount

of pushback from Disney legal.

(EXHALES) I'm just a little confused

as to what you have to be so happy about.

Based on my classes so far,

your kids are a bunch of dum-dums.

Ooh! New teacher coming in hot!

Solid hire!

We try to steer clear of labeling our students "dum-dums."

Yeah, we like to refer to them as "future achievers."

That sounds like a nice way to say "somebody else's problem."

Well, thank you.

I'm here to teach hard science,

not coddle them with pajama parties.

To be clear, the pajamas are not for the students.

No, that's a faculty thing.

This is what I sleep in, so I'm good to go.

LAINEY: Wilma, I reach my students

by getting in their faces and into their lives.

Which is why I'm taking them all out to Six Flags,

like Michelle Pfeiffer.

That makes absolutely no sense.

MELLOR: This is what I've been telling her.

You drive a bunch of kids to the amusement park,

they start to treat you like a chauffeur.

And that's halfway to a butler.

Rick, I really appreciate all the help

you gave me last year, when I was a newbie.

It was adorable how pathetic you were.

She was like Bambi in that scene

where he's slipping on the ice. (CHUCKLES)

Bambi. Clumsy idiot.

Yeah, but I'm not slipping now,

and I don't need a mentor anymore.

Well, as your mentor, I'd have to advise against that decision.

From now on, I want to chart my own course

by being exactly like Michelle Pfeiffer.

You mean like one of those teachers

that's always there for their students

when they have no one else to turn to?

Plus, her bone structure. The woman is flawless.

LAINEY: It turns out taking 30 kids to Six Flags...

Excuse us. So sorry. LAINEY: ...was prohibitively expensive.

Popcorn run.

LAINEY: I settled on a more manageable class outing.

(MOBILE PHONE RINGING)

(MOBILE PHONE BEEPS)

Barry, guess where you're calling me now.

I'm in a movie theater. (LAUGHS)

Shh!

Wait, who is this?

Let me step outside.

Yeah, I'm speaking on a mobile phone, so I can go anywhere.

MAN: Please do!

LAINEY: Who am I talking to?

MAN: (ON SPEAKER) This is WYSP 94.1 on your radio dial.

Your name was chosen at random to win tickets

to see Fiona Apple tonight at the Trocadero.

Congratulations!

Oh, my God.

Are you serious? I love Fiona Apple.

MAN: Bring a guitar, because you're invited

to jam with Fiona before the show.

Just go to her tour bus and say

"I'm ready for my Apple jam." And be persistent.

Security may not be familiar with your contest prize.

Thank you so much.

I literally can die now. (CHUCKLES)

Or at least after Fiona and I become best friends

and record a live album at Red Rocks. (MOBILE PHONE BEEPS)

By the way, Lainey Lewis.

Rock star by night, teacher star by day.

**

Oh, crap! I forgot about the kids!

LAINEY: Over the next few days, CB saw more of

Wilma Howell's teaching style

and found he didn't quite like it.

What is going on?

That new biology teacher's punishing us.

I couldn't explain how the human heart works.

But who amongst us can?

Everybody in there.

Okay, you clowns are dismissed.

Go disappoint some other teacher.

(SIGHS) I know you meant "clown" as an insult, Wilma,

but as a graduate of Barnum & Bailey University,

I take that as the highest of compliments,

so... thank you very much.

(INHALES SHARPLY)

Tom Scott. What are you up to, man?

He's not allowed to leave until he puts that skeleton back together.

I got a C-minus on my anatomy test.

That Operation game is very misleading.

You don't think you're being a little bit too harsh?

If anything, I'm getting soft.

My last C-minus kid is that skeleton.

Am I any closer, Ms. Howell?

Tom, you've seen a person before, right?

Well, yeah, but only with skin on.

I've worked with your kind at other schools, CB.

You're the "fun" teacher.

Hey, if the students are having fun,

they don't even notice they're learning.

Because maybe they're not.

I'm less worried about entertaining them

than making sure they're ready to go out into a world

that's not in the mood to cut them any slack.

Ms. Howell?

I don't have my report on the circulatory system.

It's been a tough week.

My parakeet died.

We had a memorial in the English class.

We lit candles and we sang On Eagle's Wings.

And I made a clever adjustment of the lyrics.

Yeah, we can all picture what that adjust...

I made it "parakeet wings." (CHUCKLES)

This must be a painful time for you, Debra.

I'll need you to bring me in the dead bird, please.

What? What kind of child

would lie about a dead pet just to get out of an assignment?

All of them. Worst-case scenario, I'm wrong,

Debra brings in the bird, I apologize,

and we have a really cool specimen to dissect in class.

Either the bird or your assignment on my desk tomorrow.

Your call.

(SCOFFS) This is so unfair!

See? She gets it.

(SIGHS)

I can't believe I fell for it.

I'm standing there with my stupid guitar,

like a crazy stalker, pounding on Fiona Apple's tour bus,

when suddenly, I get dragged off by her security team.

If they don't call themselves the "Apple Corps,"

they are missing a bet.

This cruel but ingenious prank

was obviously perpetrated by one of your jerk-dip students.

She's doling out her number

like a teacher who paints houses on the weekend.

Oh. That actually reminds me.

I gave my number to one kid.

MELLOR: And by now, it's being spread all over the school like head lice.

You need to figure out who did this

and come down on them like a ton of bricks.

If anything, I'm gonna come down on them

with a ton of understanding and compassion.

You crossed a boundary with these kids,

and you lost their respect.

Yes, and loss of respect is no laughing matter.

(CHUCKLES) Unless you're the brilliant Rodney Dangerfield.

But even then, I can sense

a certain amount of pain behind the laughter.

This is exactly when a mentor comes in handy.

When you finally come to your senses, Lewis,

I'm perfectly willing to be begged.

For the record, I think it's great that Lainey wants

to be more open and trusting with the kids.

I refuse to see the world as some dark Darwinian hellscape

where the freezers are packed full of dead baby mice

that are easily mistaken for popcorn shrimp.

CB accidentally ate one shrimp-mouse,

and now, all of a sudden, he has a grudge against Wilma.

She's outrageously strict with her students, John.

She's also an outrageously great teacher, CB.

MAN: (ON RADIO) Just go to her tour bus and say

"I'm ready for my Apple jam."

LAINEY: Wait. That's the radio guy.

Were you in on it? Coop, what the hell?

No!

All I did was confiscate this Talkboy thingie

from Aaron Rubin in my Spanish class

'cause he kept making it say "sacapuntas."

What does that mean? "Pencil sharpener."

Oh! Such a beautiful language.

It was Aaron Rubin?

Do you want me to call him into my office?

I've been practicing my looks of stern disapproval.

C.B.: Are you doing it now?

'Cause it actually looks friendlier.

I am cursed with my grandmother's kind eyes.

I don't want to punish Aaron.

He's having trouble making high-school friends.

That's why he acted out.

I'm gonna sit him down and figure out what's going on

inside that dangerous mind of his.

He's always been an awkward kid.

Yeah, he has the body of a child

and the head of someone trying to sell you insurance.

Aaron! Word's out! Ms. Lewis knows you pranked her!

But it's weird. She hasn't called my parents, no principal's office,

and get this... When I saw her this morning,

she said... (IN HIGH-PITCHED VOICE) "Hi, Aaron."

She's just messing with you before she strikes.

Just like that snake in Ms. Howell's class

plays with the mouse before eating it. LAINEY: Hi, Aaron.

Can I see you for a minute?

(IN NORMAL VOICE) Me and Bobby are actually in the middle of a...

We'll finish that up later, buddy.

Hey, Rick? You wanted to see me?

No, Coop. You wanted to see me.

"Coop, come see me. Mellor."

And you are gonna be delighted that you decided to stop by.

Again, not my idea.

You see, the thing is, I currently have an opening

in my stable of mentees.

Your... Your stable of what?

I'm mentoring you, man! Congratulations!

See, currently, as a Spanish teacher,

you are just bueno.

But I can help you up your game

until you are el profesor excelente.

Oh, I see. You're looking for a rebound mentee

because Lainey Lewis dumped you.

I've had my eye on you for years.

You got a lot of raw talent just waiting to be molded.

For example, let's take a look at your current class formation.

Now, you got a lot of your weaker students

riding the bench in the back.

I say you move them down to the middle,

and you flank them on both sides

with some of your varsity Spanish speakers.

For example, like that exchange student from Barcelona.

That kid is a friggin' natural.

You build your offense around him,

and then you blitz these scrubs nonstop

with the "Como estas" and the "Como te llamas"

And you ride this kid all the way to the postseason.

That'd be summer school.

I'm gonna be on a cruise with my family.

Well, if you don't want it, I can't want it for you.

Yeah, I don't want it.

You'll be back!

So, listen, we both know

what went down with the Fiona Apple prank.

I hate to see a good kid getting hooked on pranks.

You're sweating, Aaron. You want a Snapple? Yeah, right!

I see what you're trying to do.

There's Tabasco sauce in there. Or wizz.

Trust me, I have no intention of pranking you.

That's exactly what you would say if you were going to prank me.

But it's also what I'd say if I wasn't.

I get it, you're in high school now,

and you're feeling lost socially.

You want to know what I turned to

to find my way as an awkward teen?

Grab that guitar. Let me show you a couple chords.

What'd you do? You replace the strings with razor wire

so when I strum it, I slice off my fingertips?

What would I want with your severed fingertips?

You'd wear them to commit crimes, and then I'd get framed for it.

Well, nice try!

I'm outta here! Aaron!

(SIGHS)

Hey, Aaron.

I heard about that prank you played on Ms. Lewis.

That was epic. Really?

How'd you even dream up something like that fake deejay thing?

I would have just wizzed in her beverage.

I saw an opportunity, and like most things in life,

it's about timing and who you know.

Totally.

Well, listen, me and the guys are gonna head out

to see that movie American Pie.

You wanna come? Oh, my God!

Me, go with you guys to a movie

that's rated "R" for language and adult situations?

I'm in!

Actually, Ronnie, instead of going to the movie,

why don't you go (BLEEP) yourself?

Whoa!

You're clearly in cahoots with Ms. Lewis.

No idea what you're talking about,

or what "cahoots" means.

Whatever, weirdo.

Hey, you want to catch American Pie with us, nerd?

See you 'round, Aaron.

Wait. What?

I blew my chance to hang with the seniors?

I tried to tell you, there was no prank.

So I pranked myself.

And the most ingenious part, I never saw it coming.

This is all your fault!

You giving around your number

and trying to get in everybody's lives?

What kind of teacher does that?

It's too weird!

I kept waiting for you to punish me, like a normal teacher.

I don't wanna punish you. I want to help you.

Well, if you wanna help me, just leave me alone.

Okay. Wilma Howell has gone nuts this time.

She's keeping her whole class after school

as some kind of a group punishment. Standing out there

on the football field. Look at that.

I'm sure she has her reasons.

Maybe someone smacked their gum.

In fairness, that is also a pet peeve of mine.

Well, your pet peeve better not die,

or she'll make you dig it up and bring it to class.

Okay, fine. I will go out and have a talk with her.

I can always use another entry into my cloud journal.

Oh, you have a cloud journal?

GLASCOTT: Wilma, is there some good reason

that you have your whole class out here?

(CHUCKLES) And trust me, no one enjoys

pointlessly staring at the sky more than I do.

Whoa! Look at that one, CB.

It looks like Pat Sajak riding a dolphin.

We'll just be a little longer, John.

Well, you have poor Debbie O'Donahue out here

in the direct sunlight.

That pale child will burn standing next to a light bulb.

Yeah, hasn't Debra been through enough,

after forcing her to exhume her parakeet?

Look, I've been hearing some troubling things about your teaching methods.

Full disclosure, mostly from me.

But also from credible sources.

Actually, I was lying about my parakeet.

What? Why did you lie?

To get out of my assignment.

Diane Para-keaton is very much alive.

Well, we're happy for you and the bird

but sad you felt you had to mislead us.

But Ms. Howell wasn't fooled.

She saw right through me and called me on it.

So I did my report, and I got a B-plus.

You earned a B-plus.

I am very sorry, Wilma.

You were right and I was wrong about Debra.

That said, I would hold 100 fake dead pet memorials

if it meant truly being there for one grieving student.

The service you held for my tetra fish was deeply moving.

Well, you said he needed a Viking funeral,

so we shot a bunch of tiny flaming arrows

at an empty matchbox.

No, Quentin Tetra-tino was really in there.

He died from endocrine failure.

(VOICE BREAKING) It was very painful.

Oh, that's great!

There you go, C.B., your one out of 100

that wasn't yanking your chain.

Well, my takeaway here is that we have

a lot of excellent teachers at William Penn

with different approaches to teaching.

There's more than one way to skin a cat.

And if you stop by my class on Tuesday, you'll see two of them.

Okay. Uh, one other question.

Why do you have your whole class out here for punishment?

Oh, it's not a punishment. It's a reward.

This class has been doing exemplary work

in our section on the monarch butterfly.

Look! Coming from the trees!

(STUDENTS GASP)

C.B.: Oh, my God!

That's amazing!

It's so beautiful.

I don't mind that it's covering up Pat Sajak.

Hey, Rick, you seeing this?

It's like a butterfly wonderland.

Ah, the annual monarch migration down to Mexico.

Your old stomping grounds, senor.

Nope. I'm from Toronto.

But it's a shame they're flying out of the sun like that.

Makes it harder to see.

Here.

Try this.

Oh.

Much better. Thanks.

You've just been mentored.

Welcome aboard.

This is a transcendent moment. Thanks for sharing it, Wilma.

WILMA: Seems like the kind of occasion

where some artsy type might want to recite a poem.

(CLEARS THROAT)

(RECITING) Come, my lady. Come, come, my lady.

You're my butterfly. Sugar. Baby.

Come, my lady. You're my pretty baby.

You're my butterfly...

Uh, okay. Maybe we should wrap this up.

One more minute. You don't want to miss the best part.

The best part? How can it get any better than...

The crows!

(CROWS CAWING) Good Lord!

They're eating the butterflies!

Awesome!

I'm really starting to come around on these kids.

You got a nice school here, John.

(MOBILE PHONE RINGS)

(MOBILE PHONE BEEPS) Barry?

AARON: Ms. Lewis? I-It's Aaron Rubin.

Aaron? What's going on?

Did I win another contest?

No. I'm in trouble. What kind of trouble?

I got caught sneaking in to see "American Pie."

And you called me?

My mom and dad would kill me!

In fact, you're the only adult I could think of to call.

You just want to help me, right? More than anything.

Hang tight. I'll be right there. (MOBILE PHONE BEEPS)

I know what you're going to say, Rick. I'm making a mistake,

and I'm going to end up that kid's butler,

but I don't care.

Aaron reached out, and I'm going to be there for him.

So prepare that Beef Wellington recipe.

Actually, I'm impressed, Lewis.

24 hours ago, that kid set out to humiliate you,

and he did so in spectacular fashion.

Well, that's in the past.

Everybody's still talking about it.

But you handled it your way.

And now Aaron is coming to you

as the person he trusts the most.

That's huge. You think?

Look, I put a lot of work

into maintaining the godlike status

I have with these students,

but it comes at a price.

I don't connect to them the way you do.

Maybe the second-year teacher can teach me something.

Well, I had an excellent mentor.

That's nice, but you can't come back.

Coop already took your place.

(CHUCKLES LIGHTLY) (CRAZY TOWN'S BUTTERFLY PLAYING)

(RAPPING) * Come, my lady *

LAINEY: It was a whole new year at William Penn.

Was I as cool as Michelle Pfeiffer?

No.

Was I the teacher I wanted to be yet?

No. But I was on my way.

* You're my pretty baby *

* I'll make your legs shake, you make me go crazy *

* Come, my lady, come, come, my lady *

LAINEY: And I had a lot of wonderful teachers around

to act as role models,

each of us with our own way of doing things.

But we all had the same goal...

...being there when the kids needed us most.

GLASCOTT: The great thing about cloud journaling

is that every interpretation is valid.

That one kind of looks like a manatee.

Nope. You're wrong. You're way off.

That's clearly Bob Barker putting on a sock.

I notice you tend to see a lot of game-show hosts.

That's not the Bob Barker who hosts some tacky game show.

That's the Bob Barker who tirelessly advocates

spaying and neutering your pets.

(CHUCKLING) Hey, look, a butterfly.

GLASCOTT: Wrong again.

You're not good at this.

No, over there. You see?

It's an actual monarch butterfly.

Aw. Sweet little guy.

He's on his way to meet his friends on their journey to Mexico.

Vaya con dios, amigo!

(CROW CAWING)

Uh-oh! Crow!

Fly away, little buddy! Use some evasive maneuvers!

Do a loopty-loop! (CAWING CONTINUES)

Ohh. Do...

Ohh!

He neither looptied nor looped.

Okay, I-I'm... I'm done.

I'm done. I'm done.

(GRUNTS)

Oh, look!

That one looks like Alex Trebek on a snowmobile!