Original subtitles

[tense music]

[gunfire]

- Hello John.

Coming round for tea tonight?

It's chicken pie.

[gunfire]

- Die!

- Congratulations DI Major, you shot your grandmother.

Again.

- You've obviously never tried her chicken pie.

- I told you these tests were pointless.

- Carver, is that you?

- The tests are essential.

I've installed a full software update.

If it works he'll have faster cognition

with no more glitches.

- Carver were you in the room just now

when I asked about getting porn on this?

- No but thanks for bringing us up to speed.

- I need something to help me relax.

Ouch!

Fuck a duck!

They filter the internet in here.

I'm making my own photo fit images to jerk off to.

Would you have any idea how humiliating that...

Hi.

Hello.

- These people are members of the AI Ethics committee.

They're here to observe your new software update.

- How do you do.

- I don't think anyone wants to shake that now mate.

- We haven't got time to sit here on our fannies.

We've got crimes to solve.

- Fannies?

Are you sure about this update?

- As you can see he's making excellent progress.

- These maps show the location for the three

most recent incidents.

- Well the three points form a triangle.

That can't be a coincidence.

- Any three points form a triangle.

- This is the area where the fly tipping is concentrated.

We need you to get in there and--

- The fly tipping?

We, we're Detective Inspectors.

You want us out there to catch litterbugs?

- After you cocked up last time you're lucky

you're not standing in the middle of the road

holding a bloody great lollipop!

- We should be out there busting meth labs and pedophiles.

- Paedophiles.

- That's what I said, pedophiles.

- Paedophiles.

- That's what I said, pedophiles!

- This is your first case John, I'm breaking you in gently.

And Carver, you're supposed to be supervising him

not jumping off bloody car parks!

- I'll, uh, make sure he behaves boss.

Any progress on the investigation into my shooting?

- You stay well from that John,

that's been Gilbert and Ryle's case from day one.

- Gilbert and Ryle are crap!

- Leave it, leave it.

We'll get you a result on this boss.

Come on.

- One more thing.

Carver's right, three points always make a triangle.

[intense music]

What's going on Roy?

I wanna know who shot me, it's like no one cares!

Not Dennett, not Gilbert and Ryle!

I mean not even you seem...

What's this?

- My secret hobby for the last year.

Don't get excited, I haven't found any answers.

- Operation Bluefinch.

- Plus everything we know about your shooting.

faces, wheels, known associates.

Everything.

What?

Don't look at me like that, it's weird.

- I don't deserve you buddy.

First you take the rap for the car park thing,

which was technically my fault, and now this.

What else you been taking care of for me?

Kelly.

- Hiya.

Are you alright?

How you doing?

- Yeah not too bad really under the...

Oh, sorry, you was talking to him.

- I didn't realise you were sleeping here.

I thought you had your own place.

- I do have my own place Kelly.

You just won't let me live in it.

- [Kelly] What are these, is it a photo-fit image?

- Ooh...

- [Kelly] What's that?

- They're, uh, confidential.

- Well I, um, brought you over your things so...

- Come to say that we're through?

Do I need an attorney?

- What?

You mean lawyer?

What, no.

- I came here to ask you out for dinner.

Because I can't remember the last time

we had a meal together actually.

- Okay.

Wait, it was the night I got shot, we had that big row.

Roy was comforting you, and I remember thinking--

- I should be going.

Give me a call later, yeah.

- Things are looking up.

- Yeah.

I'll just be a minute mate, yeah?

- Since when did I support Liverpool?

- Kelly!

What, you're taking him out on a date?

- I need to talk to him.

- What about talking to me, you've ignored me phone calls.

- Roy, these last few months have been amazing,

but you know, it's like we've woken up

or more specifically, he's woken up.

- So what you just forget about us as if nuttin's happened?

- I can't just dump John, he's vulnerable,

you know, if he messes up they're gonna,

they're gonna switch him off.

- Oh bollocks will they switch him off.

Look he's fine, Parfit's fixed him.

- I ran a software update, he won't let me test it,

so I don't know if it worked.

- This new software, is it American by any chance?

- Why do you ask?

- Catch you later baby doll.

Come on buddy, time we hit that garbage dump.

- No reason in particular.

[upbeat music]

- Diapers.

- Nappies.

- Aluminium cans.

- Aluminium.

- I feel like a hobo.

- For fuck's sake.

Why won't you do Dr Parfit's test?

- Look I don't need to be tested right,

'cause I'm not a computer or a robot or a machine!

I'm augmented, that's all.

- Yeah we know that mate.

They're psychological tests, not the Turing test.

- What?

- The Turing test.

It's named after--

- Alan Turing, the code breaker,

I know what the Turing test is.

You talk to someone for an hour,

see whether you can tell if they're gay.

- It's definitely not that mate.

Bloody hell, what's this?

- A cell phone.

- Mobile.

There's no sim.

Might be able to get some data--

- Holy shit, a foot!

- Jesus!

- It's, uh, male, size 10?

No blood.

Tissue damage indicates it was sawn off post-mortem.

We're looking at a homicide.

- Is it just a foot?

But why would someone dump a single foot?

- Oof, ritualistic?

Partial tattoo suggests an occult significance.

- Shit mate, looks like we're back in

serious crimes after all.

Ew!

What did you do that for?

- Sorry.

- Fucking dickhead!

Put it in a bag!

Forensics said six hours for a full DNA analysis.

- Judy, I need you to contact missing persons,

try to ID this tattoo.

- Okay, my name still isn't Judy though.

- We're gonna crack this one John, I can feel it.

- Look who it is, Inspector Gadget.

- Beat it assholes, I'm busy.

- Yeah, busy being interviewed by us.

About your shooting.

- You update Dennett on the foot.

- No you found it, you deserve the credit.

- There's no I in team Roy.

This one's yours.

- Don't be nervous DI Major, we're not gonna charge ya.

- Not unless you battery's low.

[laughs]

- That was a joke, you know, about you being a computer.

- You shouldn't make jokes like that.

It's not very PC.

- What have you got on my shooting?

Gunman had a red Jeep.

Did you put out an APB on the vehicle?

- Alright Siri.

We'll ask the questions.

- We heard someone gave you a name just before you got shot.

- Give me a name!

Yeah.

I can't remember it, I've tried but I just...

- Okay.

I understand.

Have you tried switching yourself off and on again?

- I'm not a computer, I'm a detective, a human detective.

- It's just banter, we're not serious.

- Right this is who you should be after.

Liam Cleasby, known associate of the shooters.

We had him a few days ago but he got away.

- We saw Cleasby a year ago, small-time dealer,

he didn't know anything.

- So that's it then.

Interview concludes.

- [Machine] Recording discontinued.

- What, that's it?

This is meant to be a homicide investigation.

- Yeah, is it though?

- What do you mean is it?

I'm the one that was murdered!

- Yeah, you were murdered,

but you're not murdered anymore are you?

So is it a murder case or not?

- I'd call it attempted murder, possibly GBH.

- I'll be honest, you're giving the lawyers a real headache.

- Are you telling me I've not been murdered?

I've been fucking murdered!

- Calm down.

Control, ALT, delete.

- [Gilbert] Right, thanks for your co-operation.

we might speak to you again in future.

- We'll leave you on standby.

- Standby!

Like a computer.

- Douchebags.

- [Gilbert] Douchebags?

- [Ryle] Catch all that Cleasby?

- I'll pass it on.

- [Ryle] What happens to him now?

- That's above my pay grade.

- [Ryle] He doesn't remember anything.

- He remembers the Jeep.

Pity.

I always liked this car.

- The tattoo's a Celtic symbol associated with

the Isle of Man.

I'm liaising with the Manx police,

tissue samples are with forensics.

- Okay DI Carver.

I'll give you 24 hours.

Let's see if you can prove people wrong.

- Thanks boss.

What people?

- Well you know, all the ones who said

you were washed up after Major died,

who assumed you were an alcoholic or had a breakdown,

you lost focus so much.

God knows I said it myself a hundred times.

Anyway, pep talk over, go and find me that killer.

[upbeat music]

- Just because I'm alive,

doesn't mean I'm not a murder victim.

- Listen mate, I don't mean to interrupt,

but in this country we drive on the left.

- What?

[lorry horn]

Oh shit!

Sorry.

- Listen mate, I just wanna say thanks

for letting me take the credit for the foot.

- Oh least I could do.

After the work you done on my shooting.

Operation Bluefinch.

- We're a good team.

We always were.

- You don't know the half of it.

- What do you mean?

- How do you think that foot got

on the garbage tip in the first place?

- The killer dumped it there?

- Or, maybe a good friend of yours put it there?

A friend who has access to the morgue,

who can borrow a bit of evidence to give your career

a much needed shot in the ass.

- Thanks John.

That's very thoughtful.

- Yeah?

'Cause I was worried you might not be happy.

- Why, what would you think I'd say?

- I dunno.

- Maybe something like you're a complete dickhead?

You've tampered with evidence, desecrated a corpse,

wasted police time, and now we're both gonna go to prison.

- You're pissed at me aren't you?

- No.

- You are, you're pissed.

- No, I'm pissed off, you American twat, pissed off!

Pissed means drunk and I'm stone cold fucking sober!

- He's real pissed.

- What were you thinking?

- I was trying to help!

You wanted to get back on serious crimes!

- Not by committing one!

What happens when the DNA comes back

and it matches a body we've already got?

- I've thought of that.

We say it's not the same victim, but twins.

Identical twins have the same DNA!

- Do they?

- Dunno, probably.

- Oh fucking hell!

Look. We're in deep shit.

We need to fix this and now!

- Yeah, yeah and if anyone can do that it's us,

and I would honestly love to help,

but I've got this date with Kelly in 20 minutes so, um...

You okay walking from here?

[upbeat music]

I feel like we've been here before.

- What sitting across a table avoiding a conversation

we know we should have?

- No, no, I mean this restaurant.

- Yeah we have, yeah.

It used to be a bit scruffier they've done it up.

They've, you know, they ripped it apart and modernised it.

- Bit like me then.

- I should give you a review on TripAdvisor.

- How many stars?

- Yes well I don't know that yet do I?

- Oh I remember, we came here for your birthday.

You were wasted, I'm surprised they let you back in.

- No I was not.

- Totally off your face.

You told the waiter he looked like Elton John.

- I didn't!

I did!

[laughs]

I did!

Yeah but he did.

Well a crap one.

I wonder if he's still here.

# Don't go breaking my heart #

No he's not here.

- He's not here.

You're an embarrassment John.

- I'm an embarrassment?

I had to carry you home that night.

[phone rings]

- Hm, that's not like you.

- Well I've been modernised haven't I?

- Answer the phone you knob.

- What's the problem?

- Oh fuck!

This is the problem.

Your science project's gone very horribly wrong.

- Does Dennett know about this?

- Not until I show her, no.

- You are not serious!

- Look, I know he's me partner but he's a police officer.

He's meant to protect the public from people like...

- What are you doing?

- Oops, CCTV footage seems to have vanished.

- So?

We'll still get caught.

And this time, I'm not taking the blame.

- Okay, think about this Carver, do the Math.

If Dennett finds out, the whole AI project gets shut down.

- Maybe it should.

He's shit!

You've failed.

You should both be fired.

- Oh fired.

He's an AI.

You know what happens to artificial things

when they pull the plug?

- Fuck's sake!

- Okay well that was the photocopier but you get the point.

- Bullshit.

It won't kill him.

- Do you wanna take that chance?

- So yeah I had some therapy after you, after you,

some grief counselling, CBT, that sort of thing.

Actually I had, I had so much that I...

I'm now training to be counsellor.

I work with police officers actually.

- You go girl!

- Well I just, you know, wanna help people

who've been through the dame thing as me.

Not, not the, um, husband coming back from the dead bit,

not that bit 'cause that's weird that bit.

- So are you still working as a realtor?

- Estate Agent?

No, no, no, God no I gave that up months ago.

I don't know why I didn't do it before.

God, the sense of freedom and release was like, oh my God.

Obviously tinged with sadness as well.

- You've turned your life around Kel.

That's great.

Second chances, aye?

It's what it's all about.

- So, uh, in a counselling session I might say

something like, have you been experiencing

feelings of anger, and you, you might say,

what would you say?

- What?

Oh right, no, yeah, um.

Yeah, uh, well I got kinda crabby at work today.

- Good.

And then how is your concentration,

is that easier or harder, you know,

since the software update?

- How do you know I had a software update?

- Hmm.

Ooh.

I think someone mentioned it at the lab

when I came in to the--

- God, I don't believe this.

You're testing me.

- John.

- Is she here?

Dr Parfit, she is, in't she?

Listening.

- Of course she's not listening!

Don't be silly!

I'm gonna phone her later and tell her what you said.

- My own wife is a stool pigeon!

- What?

- I thought this was a date.

I thought you were doing this because you cared!

- I do care very deeply about you John,

that is why I'm trying to help you.

- By tricking me?

Spying on me?

- No, Dr Parfit said you weren't doing your tests

and I was worried about you.

She needs to know how you are feeling.

- If you gave two bits about my feelings Kelly,

we wouldn't be here right now!

Fuck!

- Date not go well?

- No, it did not go well!

- Did you saw her foot off?

- What?

No.

- You're making progress then aren't ya?

- Why is everyone busting my balls today?

- Oi, ghost in the shell.

Dennett wants to see you both.

She doesn't sound happy.

- Maybe it's something to do with

perverting the course of justice.

- What do you mean?

I thought you were fixing it?

Have you not fixed it?

- What, you mean going back in time

and stop you from being a dickhead?

- Carver, the committee will switch me off!

Can't you take the blame?

Again, last time I promise.

- No!

- For me, please!

- Well you said there's no I in team.

- Well it turns out there no u in honor.

- There is a u if you fucking spell it properly!

- It's about this foot business.

- Ooh, um, the thing is ma'am,

we think there's a serial killer targeting twins.

- You need to drop the case.

- What?

- Communication from MI5, the whole thing's been classified.

We're to act like we never found a foot in the first place.

- But boss I mean that's--

- A pain in the arse, but it can't be helped.

Case closed.

- You did this.

You and Parfit.

You had my back after all.

- We should probably have this bit of the conversation

after we've left the office.

- Ooh, um, before I forget,

I caught the fly-tipper.

- What? - What?

- Sorry. Yeah, I forgot to mention it.

A cell phone was recovered from the fly-tipping site.

Analysis of the data led me to identify a suspect.

He's made a full confession.

- Excellent work DI Major, you're a credit to the force.

- Just doin' my duty.

- Duty.

- DI Carver?

You could learn a lot from this man.

Dismissed.

- [Major] Thank you boss.

- Bellend.

- [Carver] How did you manage to hack into MI5

and send that fake message?

- Please, I've been doing that stuff since kindergarten.

- Well you can't do it for him every time he screws up.

- He won't screw up from now on.

I've updated the update and reset the language defaults.

This one really will enhance his cognition significantly.

- [Major] I got shot.

[speaking in foreign language]

- Yeah that's fine yeah, leave him like that.

Brilliant.

- I'll just...

[dramatic music]

[upbeat music]

- Major!

[horn honking]

- I have got one lead.

You can use it to charge a phone off 'yer head.

- Have you been seeing someone?

- Yes I have John, yeah.

[screams]

- Ooh!

- You horrible little scumbag!

Jesus!

I think he's got a knife.