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1
00:00:06,307 --> 00:00:07,307
Where have you been?
2
00:00:07,361 --> 00:00:09,494
I sent Steve and Hayley to go find you.
3
00:00:09,496 --> 00:00:11,329
If they were smart,
they'd start in Sears,
4
00:00:11,331 --> 00:00:12,597
'cause that's where I used to be.
5
00:00:12,599 --> 00:00:14,466
Did you get your shopping done?
6
00:00:14,468 --> 00:00:17,769
Yes, Francine.
Daddy delivered again.
7
00:00:17,771 --> 00:00:19,538
But I don't want to
have to do this every year.
8
00:00:19,540 --> 00:00:22,340
I don't want Christmas shopping
to become a tradition.
9
00:00:23,343 --> 00:00:25,243
Is that for Steve?
10
00:00:25,245 --> 00:00:27,145
It's for Steve and Hayley,
but I'll be the one using it.
11
00:00:27,147 --> 00:00:29,815
You know, if you get people
the presents they want,
12
00:00:29,817 --> 00:00:31,817
it shows you thought about them.
13
00:00:31,819 --> 00:00:35,454
Now, do I hear the clink
of Riedel wine glasses
14
00:00:35,456 --> 00:00:37,222
I've been dropping hints about?
15
00:00:37,224 --> 00:00:39,291
I doubt it, 'cause I don't know
what that is.
16
00:00:39,293 --> 00:00:41,560
And this is more
of a sweater-shaped bag.
17
00:00:41,562 --> 00:00:43,862
Maybe a sweater with a snowman.
18
00:00:43,864 --> 00:00:45,831
Like the one I'm wearing?
19
00:00:45,833 --> 00:00:47,365
I got to go return something.
20
00:00:47,367 --> 00:00:48,834
We're almost at the front of the line,
21
00:00:48,836 --> 00:00:51,703
and we need this photo
for our Christmas-party invite,
22
00:00:51,705 --> 00:00:53,138
so hurry!
23
00:00:53,140 --> 00:00:54,639
Francine, how much do you want from me?
24
00:00:54,641 --> 00:00:56,374
I'm buying gifts.
I'm returning gifts.
25
00:00:56,376 --> 00:00:58,343
I'm trying on tons of jeans at Lucky's.
26
00:00:58,345 --> 00:01:01,213
I've got a million balls in the air.
27
00:01:03,649 --> 00:01:06,485
# Good morning, U.S.A.
28
00:01:06,487 --> 00:01:10,255
# I got a feelin' that
it's gonna be a wonderful day #
29
00:01:10,257 --> 00:01:13,458
# the sun in the sky
has a smile on his face #
30
00:01:13,460 --> 00:01:17,662
# and he's shinin' a salute
to the American race #
31
00:01:19,599 --> 00:01:23,101
# oh, boy, it's swell to say
32
00:01:23,103 --> 00:01:25,370
# Good...
# Good morning, U.S.A.
33
00:01:33,447 --> 00:01:35,514
Yo, Smith!
What's up, my man?
34
00:01:35,516 --> 00:01:37,115
Oh, hey, Principal Lewis.
35
00:01:37,117 --> 00:01:39,117
Just dealing with dumb family crap.
36
00:01:39,119 --> 00:01:41,453
But, geez, you look cool as a cucumber.
37
00:01:41,455 --> 00:01:42,721
Hell, yeah!
38
00:01:42,723 --> 00:01:45,257
Just down here
for a little "P" and "P."
39
00:01:45,259 --> 00:01:47,158
A little what?
"P" and "P."
40
00:01:47,160 --> 00:01:49,794
Peppermint latte and peacockin', see?
41
00:01:49,796 --> 00:01:53,532
I add a little flair to let
the ladies know I mean business.
42
00:01:53,534 --> 00:01:55,567
Hey, Soul Santa!
43
00:01:55,569 --> 00:01:56,968
Whoa!
44
00:01:56,970 --> 00:01:58,136
You're single. No wonder
you're not stressed-out.
45
00:01:58,138 --> 00:01:59,738
But me?
46
00:01:59,740 --> 00:02:02,641
I have to plan this whole
Christmas bash for my family.
47
00:02:02,643 --> 00:02:03,742
Oh?
When's the party?
48
00:02:03,744 --> 00:02:05,477
No clue.
Not that involved.
49
00:02:05,479 --> 00:02:07,879
But you should come.
I'd like to finally get loose.
50
00:02:07,881 --> 00:02:09,147
Maybe I will.
51
00:02:09,149 --> 00:02:10,415
Oh, really?
Oh, really?
52
00:02:10,417 --> 00:02:12,217
Are there gonna be any chicks there?
53
00:02:12,219 --> 00:02:14,352
My wife and daughter.
Mm...
54
00:02:14,354 --> 00:02:15,921
Oh, you got to come!
Do it!
55
00:02:15,923 --> 00:02:17,856
Do it, Lewis.
Do it up, Lewis.
56
00:02:23,497 --> 00:02:27,399
H-hey, Santa, I-I'll bet
if you checked your "nice" list,
57
00:02:27,401 --> 00:02:30,769
you'd find a boy on there
who'd love a stargazing cape.
58
00:02:30,771 --> 00:02:32,237
Son, you're 14.
59
00:02:32,239 --> 00:02:33,738
You can't really be nervous I'm Santa.
60
00:02:33,740 --> 00:02:35,373
I'm not even wearing the beard.
61
00:02:35,375 --> 00:02:36,908
W-who's nervous, sir?
62
00:02:36,910 --> 00:02:39,177
So, it...
it's a reversible cape
63
00:02:39,179 --> 00:02:41,446
with the northern hemisphere
stars on one side
64
00:02:41,448 --> 00:02:43,181
and the southern on the other...
65
00:02:43,183 --> 00:02:45,850
you know, for cozy stargazing.
66
00:02:45,852 --> 00:02:48,320
Hey, Stan. Francine wants you
in the kitchen.
67
00:02:49,456 --> 00:02:50,889
Hey, dad.
Did mom find you?
68
00:02:50,891 --> 00:02:52,324
I'm wearing a Santa costume.
69
00:02:52,326 --> 00:02:53,625
How hard can she be looking?
70
00:02:53,627 --> 00:02:55,727
Ugh, honey.
The tree isn't done.
71
00:02:55,729 --> 00:02:58,463
Go get the angel from Roger's attic.
72
00:03:02,668 --> 00:03:04,869
This isn't our tree angel.
73
00:03:04,871 --> 00:03:06,571
What are you doing up there?
74
00:03:06,573 --> 00:03:08,440
You better not be goofing around!
75
00:03:14,348 --> 00:03:15,914
Ha ha ha ha!
76
00:03:16,749 --> 00:03:18,883
Lewis, finally!
77
00:03:18,885 --> 00:03:20,619
I should have asked
when you were getting here.
78
00:03:20,621 --> 00:03:21,886
I got here way too early.
79
00:03:21,888 --> 00:03:23,989
Just making an appearance, my man,
80
00:03:23,991 --> 00:03:26,358
so you can say your party went off!
81
00:03:27,628 --> 00:03:29,694
I'm headed to a bash at the sororities.
82
00:03:29,696 --> 00:03:30,929
Don't they go home at Christmas?
83
00:03:30,931 --> 00:03:32,597
Not the poor girls,
84
00:03:32,599 --> 00:03:34,966
and they're the ones who dig
my Porsche the most.
85
00:03:34,968 --> 00:03:35,968
Hi, Brian!
86
00:03:35,969 --> 00:03:37,602
Merry Christmas, girl.
87
00:03:37,604 --> 00:03:39,704
You want to get out of here?
I'll go!
88
00:03:39,706 --> 00:03:43,575
Stan, angel, tree!
89
00:03:43,577 --> 00:03:45,644
Short leash.
90
00:03:45,646 --> 00:03:48,046
Anyhoots, it's time for me to do
what I do best.
91
00:03:48,048 --> 00:03:50,715
And that's whatever I want
all the time!
92
00:03:53,586 --> 00:03:56,254
Wow. He just takes
what he wants, doesn't he?
93
00:03:56,256 --> 00:03:57,822
Must be nice.
94
00:04:03,562 --> 00:04:04,863
Need a hand?
95
00:04:04,865 --> 00:04:06,364
No, Roger, I don't need help.
96
00:04:06,366 --> 00:04:07,699
I wasn't talking to you.
97
00:04:07,701 --> 00:04:10,402
I was talking to these
two little Christmas miracles.
98
00:04:13,840 --> 00:04:16,307
Stan, will you do
something about the trash cans?
99
00:04:16,309 --> 00:04:20,545
Sometimes
I just wish I had Lewis' life.
100
00:04:23,483 --> 00:04:25,483
Ooh. Ooh.
Ooh. Ooh.
101
00:04:25,485 --> 00:04:29,387
Stan!
Go check the fuse box!
102
00:04:31,590 --> 00:04:34,426
Klaus, just be glad
you're alone with no family.
103
00:04:34,428 --> 00:04:35,794
But I have grown to feel
104
00:04:35,796 --> 00:04:37,562
that I am part of your family, Stan.
105
00:04:40,067 --> 00:04:44,035
Don't you dare cry, not this Christmas.
106
00:04:44,037 --> 00:04:46,638
Just this time, no.
107
00:04:57,660 --> 00:05:01,363
Merry Christmas, Francine.
108
00:05:02,658 --> 00:05:05,494
Honey,
where's my morning B.J.?
109
00:05:05,496 --> 00:05:07,763
I have to get my own breakfast juice?
110
00:05:07,765 --> 00:05:09,164
Some Christmas.
111
00:05:09,166 --> 00:05:12,734
Hello?
Where is everybody?
112
00:05:12,736 --> 00:05:14,102
Hello?
113
00:05:14,104 --> 00:05:16,605
Stan, you're shouting louder
than the driver
114
00:05:16,607 --> 00:05:18,974
whose taxi I threw up in last night.
115
00:05:18,976 --> 00:05:20,675
And if you're not quiet,
you'll wake him up.
116
00:05:20,677 --> 00:05:22,544
Roger, something weird's going on.
117
00:05:22,546 --> 00:05:24,179
Look at this Kathy Ireland poster.
118
00:05:24,181 --> 00:05:26,681
Francine would never go for this.
That is weird.
119
00:05:26,683 --> 00:05:28,583
Never seen a Kathy Ireland poster
120
00:05:28,585 --> 00:05:29,985
that wasn't just put up with tape.
121
00:05:29,987 --> 00:05:31,520
What's going on around here?
122
00:05:32,989 --> 00:05:35,991
A pool table?
Foosball?
123
00:05:35,993 --> 00:05:38,860
I sat by a girl in a bar in 1977
124
00:05:38,862 --> 00:05:40,862
who said her dad invented foosball.
125
00:05:40,864 --> 00:05:42,731
Never looked into it,
but it seemed like a lie.
126
00:05:42,733 --> 00:05:44,866
Oh, God.
Oh, my God.
127
00:05:44,868 --> 00:05:46,768
People will lie to you in a bar, Stan.
128
00:05:46,770 --> 00:05:49,571
It's just a sad fact.
No! The tree!
129
00:05:49,573 --> 00:05:53,608
Last night, when I was putting
the angel on the tree,
130
00:05:53,610 --> 00:05:56,244
I wished I had Lewis' life.
131
00:05:56,246 --> 00:06:00,282
Oh, Jesus. This is the tree
of a single man.
132
00:06:00,284 --> 00:06:03,552
Francine!
Hayley! Steve!
133
00:06:03,554 --> 00:06:06,121
I did this.
I wished for this.
134
00:06:06,123 --> 00:06:08,223
Well, it couldn't have
come true, right?
135
00:06:08,225 --> 00:06:09,958
Do wishes come true?
136
00:06:11,761 --> 00:06:13,728
That's Lewis' pimp ride.
137
00:06:13,730 --> 00:06:15,297
Whoa.
138
00:06:15,299 --> 00:06:17,265
My family's all gone.
139
00:06:17,267 --> 00:06:19,267
What am I gonna do?!
140
00:06:19,269 --> 00:06:22,170
# Oh-oh, oh-oh, oh, oh, oh, oh
141
00:06:22,172 --> 00:06:26,842
# Whoa-oh, oh-oh, oh,
it's always a good time #
142
00:06:26,844 --> 00:06:28,243
# whoa-oh, oh-oh, oh
143
00:06:28,245 --> 00:06:29,678
Wait, wait.
144
00:06:29,680 --> 00:06:30,846
This is all wrong.
It is?
145
00:06:30,848 --> 00:06:32,814
I should be peacockin', baby!
146
00:06:32,816 --> 00:06:34,716
We both should, bitch!
147
00:06:34,718 --> 00:06:36,685
Let's go to work.
148
00:06:36,687 --> 00:06:39,855
Wait. If I wished for this,
then why are you here?
149
00:06:39,857 --> 00:06:42,691
Maybe 'cause I was touching
your butt when you wished.
150
00:06:42,693 --> 00:06:44,826
Butt wish?
Sounds like a thing.
151
00:06:44,828 --> 00:06:48,063
# Whoa-oh, oh-oh, oh,
oh, oh, oh #
152
00:06:48,065 --> 00:06:52,234
# whoa-oh, oh-oh, oh,
it's always a good time #
153
00:06:52,236 --> 00:06:56,071
# whoa-oh, oh-oh, oh,
oh, oh, oh #
154
00:06:56,073 --> 00:06:57,372
# we don't even have to try
155
00:06:57,374 --> 00:06:59,574
Unseasonably warm Christmas
we're having.
156
00:06:59,576 --> 00:07:01,710
Race you to the beach!
157
00:07:04,715 --> 00:07:08,783
# Good time
# whoa-oh, oh-oh, oh, oh, oh, oh #
158
00:07:08,785 --> 00:07:12,721
# whoa-oh, oh-oh, oh,
it's always a good time #
159
00:07:12,723 --> 00:07:16,191
# whoa-oh, oh-oh, oh,
oh, oh, oh #
160
00:07:16,193 --> 00:07:19,995
# whoa-oh, oh-oh, oh,
it's always a good time #
161
00:07:19,997 --> 00:07:23,265
# whoa-oh, oh-oh, oh, oh
162
00:07:23,267 --> 00:07:25,300
Best wish ever!
163
00:07:25,302 --> 00:07:26,835
# It's always a good time
164
00:07:29,411 --> 00:07:31,940
I tell you, Roger,
being single for a day...
165
00:07:31,942 --> 00:07:33,909
it's been such a vacation.
166
00:07:33,911 --> 00:07:36,178
No doubt.
167
00:07:36,180 --> 00:07:38,180
Paradise, baby.
168
00:07:38,182 --> 00:07:41,116
Well, we got to make sure we
milk this cow till it's dead.
169
00:07:41,118 --> 00:07:42,951
You know what?
Let's go talk to Lewis,
170
00:07:42,953 --> 00:07:44,719
make sure we're doing
all the single stuff.
171
00:07:44,721 --> 00:07:47,155
Diggin' it. He'll show us
how to blow it out.
172
00:07:49,193 --> 00:07:51,726
Sir, sir! The nozzle's still in the tank!
173
00:07:51,728 --> 00:07:54,763
It's okay!
We're single!
174
00:07:58,768 --> 00:08:03,038
You guys are awesome!
175
00:08:07,644 --> 00:08:09,644
Uh, Stan.
I-is that you?
176
00:08:09,646 --> 00:08:10,946
Check out this guy.
177
00:08:10,948 --> 00:08:13,181
He's all, "Uh, Stan.
Is that you?"
178
00:08:13,183 --> 00:08:15,984
I-it was just
your pirate costume threw me.
179
00:08:15,986 --> 00:08:17,252
I'm peacockin', dawg!
180
00:08:17,254 --> 00:08:19,120
So, me and my good friend, uh...
181
00:08:19,122 --> 00:08:20,388
Lazlo Morphine.
182
00:08:20,390 --> 00:08:22,257
Me and Lazlo were buzzing around,
183
00:08:22,259 --> 00:08:24,726
having single-guy fun,
and we need some pointers
184
00:08:24,728 --> 00:08:27,062
from the king of single players
in this town.
185
00:08:27,064 --> 00:08:28,697
Oh, Stan.
186
00:08:28,699 --> 00:08:29,798
What are you talking about?
I'm not single.
187
00:08:29,800 --> 00:08:31,800
Oh!
Oh, right. I get it.
188
00:08:31,802 --> 00:08:33,335
You got a girl in there.
189
00:08:33,337 --> 00:08:35,804
Don't want to let on you're a player.
190
00:08:35,806 --> 00:08:39,341
Okay, um... maybe we can talk
after the holidays.
191
00:08:41,345 --> 00:08:42,944
We got to get a peep at his babe.
192
00:08:42,946 --> 00:08:44,713
Lewis is always killing it.
193
00:08:46,382 --> 00:08:47,983
Francine?
194
00:08:47,985 --> 00:08:50,285
What the hell is going on?!
195
00:08:50,287 --> 00:08:52,687
Oh, I think it's pretty clear, Stan.
196
00:08:52,689 --> 00:08:55,724
Principal Lewis and Francine
have been doing it.
197
00:08:55,726 --> 00:08:58,960
Are you picturing it?
I'm picturing it.
198
00:08:58,962 --> 00:09:02,097
Whoa.
You should picture it.
199
00:09:02,099 --> 00:09:03,331
Whoa.
200
00:09:08,836 --> 00:09:10,823
Lewis has my family.
201
00:09:10,936 --> 00:09:14,104
Well, you did wish for his life.
Maybe he got yours.
202
00:09:14,106 --> 00:09:15,472
Well, I didn't wish for that.
203
00:09:15,474 --> 00:09:18,208
I wanted my family to be,
like, suspended in a void
204
00:09:18,210 --> 00:09:19,809
or... or like
a static nothingness
205
00:09:19,811 --> 00:09:22,112
or whatever happens
when I leave the room.
206
00:09:22,114 --> 00:09:24,080
All right.
I'll just wish for them back.
207
00:09:24,082 --> 00:09:25,949
I wish my family back.
208
00:09:25,951 --> 00:09:28,218
And... wish activate.
209
00:09:28,220 --> 00:09:30,954
You know, it might not be that easy.
210
00:09:30,956 --> 00:09:32,355
This might be one of those dealios
211
00:09:32,357 --> 00:09:33,823
where you got to learn a lesson
212
00:09:33,825 --> 00:09:35,358
before things go back to normal.
213
00:09:35,360 --> 00:09:37,427
What the hell does that mean?
Like in the movies.
214
00:09:37,429 --> 00:09:39,829
You've seen "It's A Wonderful Life," right?
Nope.
215
00:09:39,831 --> 00:09:41,231
How about "Big"?
Unh-unh.
216
00:09:41,233 --> 00:09:42,365
You saw, "Ted."
217
00:09:42,367 --> 00:09:43,967
No.
Really?
218
00:09:43,969 --> 00:09:45,835
Look, sometimes in a movie,
219
00:09:45,837 --> 00:09:47,971
a person thinks
they want something, but then...
220
00:09:47,973 --> 00:09:50,240
Ooh! Like in the
"Care Bears: Big Wish Movie."
221
00:09:50,242 --> 00:09:51,975
Okay.
I learned my damn lesson.
222
00:09:51,977 --> 00:09:53,843
Lewis has my shit, and I want it back.
223
00:09:53,845 --> 00:09:55,111
Not sure you have.
224
00:09:55,113 --> 00:09:56,980
You're calling your family
"shit."
225
00:09:58,083 --> 00:09:59,549
Guys, I know this may sound crazy.
226
00:09:59,551 --> 00:10:02,018
But right now,
we're in a Care Bear movie.
227
00:10:02,020 --> 00:10:04,320
Is that why you're dressed
as a pirate, Principal Smith?
228
00:10:04,322 --> 00:10:06,856
He's your principal.
This is your fault, Lewis.
229
00:10:06,858 --> 00:10:09,526
You made being single look so lovely!
230
00:10:11,162 --> 00:10:12,862
I swear I'm your dad.
231
00:10:12,864 --> 00:10:14,397
Remember last year at Christmas
232
00:10:14,399 --> 00:10:16,299
I got you both
three-hole punches
233
00:10:16,301 --> 00:10:17,967
s-so you wouldn't
have to fight over one?
234
00:10:17,969 --> 00:10:19,869
No, last year on Christmas,
we pretended we didn't see
235
00:10:19,871 --> 00:10:21,938
you walk into the sizzler by yourself.
236
00:10:21,940 --> 00:10:23,373
That's all I remember.
237
00:10:23,375 --> 00:10:25,942
Look, Stan, you, uh,
seem to be a little agitated,
238
00:10:25,944 --> 00:10:27,343
but I don't want this
to get out of control
239
00:10:27,345 --> 00:10:30,013
because, as you know,
I'm a C.I.A. agent.
240
00:10:30,015 --> 00:10:33,316
You're in the C.I.A.?!
That's my life! Wait!
241
00:10:33,318 --> 00:10:34,918
Then you should have a gun right here.
242
00:10:34,920 --> 00:10:37,086
Oh, God!
There it is.
243
00:10:37,088 --> 00:10:38,588
Everybody just chill out.
244
00:10:38,590 --> 00:10:41,558
You're my family... mine!...
and you're coming with me.
245
00:10:41,560 --> 00:10:44,027
Some people say Porsche.
246
00:10:44,029 --> 00:10:45,595
Some people
say Porsh-uh.
247
00:10:45,597 --> 00:10:48,965
I don't choose sides.
I let the car do the talking.
248
00:10:48,967 --> 00:10:51,167
I say Porsh-uh.
It's longer.
249
00:10:51,169 --> 00:10:54,170
Better chance someone will
overhear me talking about it.
250
00:10:54,172 --> 00:10:56,506
Porsh-uhhhh.
251
00:10:58,108 --> 00:10:59,509
# Seven swans a-swimming
252
00:10:59,511 --> 00:11:00,977
# six geese a-laying
253
00:11:00,979 --> 00:11:05,548
# Five golden rings
254
00:11:05,550 --> 00:11:08,318
I can't do this!
But you sound beautiful!
255
00:11:08,320 --> 00:11:10,653
They sound terrified.
256
00:11:10,655 --> 00:11:13,590
Oh, the C.I.A.'s here.
This should be interesting.
257
00:11:15,426 --> 00:11:18,294
Principal Smith, you cuckoo bird,
258
00:11:18,296 --> 00:11:20,730
I know Christmas is a time for family,
259
00:11:20,732 --> 00:11:23,032
but it's supposed to be
your own family!
260
00:11:23,034 --> 00:11:24,501
Of which you have none.
261
00:11:24,503 --> 00:11:26,236
You are alone in this world
262
00:11:26,238 --> 00:11:28,638
and, undoubtedly,
will be alone in the next.
263
00:11:28,640 --> 00:11:30,673
So let that family go!
264
00:11:30,675 --> 00:11:33,977
But I'm not alone... because
I have you, Francine.
265
00:11:33,979 --> 00:11:35,645
Please remember.
266
00:11:35,647 --> 00:11:37,647
Okay, this should mean something.
267
00:11:37,649 --> 00:11:39,682
I know what you wanted for Christmas,
268
00:11:39,684 --> 00:11:42,118
so on three, let's say it together.
269
00:11:42,120 --> 00:11:44,521
One, two, three.
270
00:11:44,523 --> 00:11:46,990
Wine glasses.
Snowman... sweater?
271
00:11:46,992 --> 00:11:48,424
- Damn it.
- All right, Smith.
272
00:11:48,426 --> 00:11:50,059
We're coming in firing,
273
00:11:50,061 --> 00:11:53,263
but this Christmas massacre
is on your head!
274
00:11:53,265 --> 00:11:56,032
Wait.
A snowman sweater?
275
00:11:56,034 --> 00:11:59,135
I don't know why,
but that does sound familiar.
276
00:11:59,137 --> 00:12:00,670
It... it does?
277
00:12:00,672 --> 00:12:03,273
Francine, thank you.
Thank you so much.
278
00:12:03,275 --> 00:12:06,009
But honey, the C.I.A.
will never believe you.
279
00:12:06,011 --> 00:12:08,278
Our only hope is
if I can convince them.
280
00:12:08,280 --> 00:12:10,013
Yes. Go, go.
281
00:12:10,015 --> 00:12:13,283
I'll be right back.
Kids, come help me explain.
282
00:12:13,285 --> 00:12:14,817
Yes, yes. Good idea.
283
00:12:14,819 --> 00:12:16,660
That way it's not just her word
against Lewis'.
284
00:12:19,290 --> 00:12:22,358
It was terrible.
285
00:12:22,360 --> 00:12:24,294
He's completely lost it.
286
00:12:24,296 --> 00:12:26,696
That poor, poor man.
287
00:12:26,698 --> 00:12:29,065
What are you waiting for?
Take him down!
288
00:12:29,067 --> 00:12:31,568
I don't want to armchair Q.B.
this whole thing,
289
00:12:31,570 --> 00:12:34,571
but, um, never release
all your hostages,
290
00:12:34,573 --> 00:12:37,473
'cause now what's stopping them from...
291
00:12:37,475 --> 00:12:41,010
There it is. Yeah.
I'm gonna go hide in the attic.
292
00:12:42,414 --> 00:12:45,214
Let me know how you do!
293
00:12:45,216 --> 00:12:48,318
He should be unconscious by now.
294
00:12:58,263 --> 00:13:00,763
I can't live like this!
295
00:13:03,835 --> 00:13:06,669
Smith, stop or we'll shoot!
296
00:13:06,671 --> 00:13:10,640
If I can't be with my family,
I don't want to live!
297
00:13:20,784 --> 00:13:23,119
Sometimes I wonder
298
00:13:23,121 --> 00:13:26,522
if what we do makes
any difference at all.
299
00:13:37,635 --> 00:13:41,237
That was brutal.
300
00:13:41,239 --> 00:13:43,539
But you learned your lesson.
301
00:13:43,541 --> 00:13:44,841
You mean...
302
00:13:44,843 --> 00:13:48,344
Yes. You learned
the importance of family.
303
00:13:48,346 --> 00:13:51,114
So, I-I get
my family back?
304
00:13:51,116 --> 00:13:53,650
Yes, dear Stan.
305
00:13:56,421 --> 00:13:59,589
Here you are, Stan.
306
00:13:59,591 --> 00:14:01,691
And... my family's
in there?
307
00:14:01,693 --> 00:14:06,829
No one is more in there
than your family, Stan.
308
00:14:06,831 --> 00:14:09,432
Hey, pops!
Hi, daddy!
309
00:14:09,434 --> 00:14:11,401
Just in time for dinner.
310
00:14:11,403 --> 00:14:14,137
This isn't my family.
Oh, but it is.
311
00:14:14,139 --> 00:14:18,241
It's your real family.
312
00:14:18,243 --> 00:14:20,376
Hey, merry Christmas, pops.
313
00:14:20,378 --> 00:14:22,245
Merry Christmas, daddy.
314
00:14:22,247 --> 00:14:25,114
Merry Christmas, schmoopsie.
315
00:14:25,116 --> 00:14:27,583
Merry Christmas.
316
00:14:32,860 --> 00:14:35,002
What do you say, pop?
Let's open presents!
317
00:14:35,122 --> 00:14:37,155
Oh, daddy!
Can we, please?!
318
00:14:38,547 --> 00:14:42,516
Yes, son and sister of son.
319
00:14:42,518 --> 00:14:45,185
It's not weird that I'm your father.
320
00:14:45,187 --> 00:14:47,821
With that in mind,
I'm gonna go in the kitchen.
321
00:14:47,823 --> 00:14:51,291
Angel? Angel!
322
00:14:51,293 --> 00:14:52,726
Klaus?
323
00:14:52,728 --> 00:14:54,461
What's going on?
Everything's so different.
324
00:14:54,463 --> 00:14:57,264
My God. The fish doesn't talk.
325
00:14:57,266 --> 00:14:59,266
What kind of twilight zone
am I living in?
326
00:14:59,268 --> 00:15:01,401
This is crazy!
327
00:15:02,571 --> 00:15:04,805
What do you need, Stan?
328
00:15:04,807 --> 00:15:07,574
And bear in mind,
this is my Christmas, too.
329
00:15:07,576 --> 00:15:08,809
Where's my real family?!
330
00:15:08,811 --> 00:15:10,877
This is your real family.
331
00:15:10,879 --> 00:15:14,548
But you didn't appreciate
them, so we took them away
332
00:15:14,550 --> 00:15:18,318
and gave you a terrible family
to teach you a lesson.
333
00:15:18,320 --> 00:15:21,254
Wait. Francine, Steve,
and Hayley...
334
00:15:21,256 --> 00:15:22,789
aren't my real family?
335
00:15:22,791 --> 00:15:25,892
No. They're
your cautionary family.
336
00:15:25,894 --> 00:15:27,761
It was supposed to be temporary,
337
00:15:27,763 --> 00:15:30,764
but... well, ah,
you fell through the cracks
338
00:15:30,766 --> 00:15:33,433
when the angel handling your case died.
339
00:15:33,435 --> 00:15:35,736
Angels can die?
Where do they go?
340
00:15:35,738 --> 00:15:37,738
They go to super heaven.
341
00:15:37,740 --> 00:15:39,740
Well, I mean, if you believe
that sort of stuff.
342
00:15:39,742 --> 00:15:41,241
Not everybody does.
343
00:15:41,243 --> 00:15:43,243
But I love my terrible family.
344
00:15:43,245 --> 00:15:45,612
Then why did you wish to be single?
345
00:15:45,614 --> 00:15:48,882
But...
but I want to go back.
346
00:15:48,884 --> 00:15:50,617
I wish to go back.
347
00:15:50,619 --> 00:15:52,786
No, you only get one Christmas wish.
348
00:15:52,788 --> 00:15:54,821
Now go join your family, Stan.
349
00:15:54,823 --> 00:15:57,457
It's the only one that's real.
350
00:15:59,595 --> 00:16:03,764
Honey, the kids are opening your gifts.
351
00:16:03,766 --> 00:16:06,199
Uh... what's this?
352
00:16:06,201 --> 00:16:07,868
Caveman shoes?
353
00:16:07,870 --> 00:16:11,371
I bought this family
the wrong gifts, too?
354
00:16:11,373 --> 00:16:13,807
I'm a crummy father in every reality.
355
00:16:13,809 --> 00:16:16,276
The Chinese grocery was open.
356
00:16:16,278 --> 00:16:18,845
We can still make peanut brittle!
357
00:16:18,847 --> 00:16:20,714
Roger, thank God you're here.
358
00:16:20,716 --> 00:16:22,516
I can't believe this is happening.
359
00:16:22,518 --> 00:16:24,651
Everything's so different,
but not you, Roger.
360
00:16:24,653 --> 00:16:26,720
You're the same.
I'm Gerald, your tenant.
361
00:16:26,722 --> 00:16:28,031
Why are you calling me Roger?
362
00:16:28,151 --> 00:16:30,757
'Cause you're...
oh, my God.
363
00:16:30,759 --> 00:16:32,926
You didn't come with me this time.
364
00:16:32,928 --> 00:16:34,494
No, I've been at the mall
365
00:16:34,496 --> 00:16:36,830
giving eye exams,
like I do six days a week.
366
00:16:36,832 --> 00:16:39,266
Thank God the mall's closed
on Tuesdays.
367
00:16:39,268 --> 00:16:40,801
Tuesday is my Sunday.
368
00:16:40,803 --> 00:16:43,370
You weren't grabbing my ass
when I went off the bridge.
369
00:16:43,372 --> 00:16:45,105
Why would I grab it?
370
00:16:45,107 --> 00:16:48,508
I-I wouldn't even brush up
against that... perfect a-apple.
371
00:16:48,510 --> 00:16:50,677
Yeah, you would.
I know what you like.
372
00:16:50,679 --> 00:16:52,379
I also know you're an alien.
373
00:16:52,381 --> 00:16:54,014
How do you know all this stuff?
374
00:16:54,016 --> 00:16:56,917
Because I'm from an alternate
reality where we're friends.
375
00:16:56,919 --> 00:16:59,586
Am I boring mall optometrist
there, too?
376
00:16:59,588 --> 00:17:02,255
No. You're thousands of things.
You're whatever you want to be.
377
00:17:02,257 --> 00:17:04,324
In this alternate reality,
378
00:17:04,326 --> 00:17:07,427
do I ever...
dress as a woman?
379
00:17:07,429 --> 00:17:08,762
Uh, yeah!
380
00:17:08,764 --> 00:17:10,664
That is, when you're not
walking around naked.
381
00:17:10,666 --> 00:17:12,799
Oh, my God!
That sounds amazing!
382
00:17:12,801 --> 00:17:14,401
We have to go there.
Yes!
383
00:17:14,403 --> 00:17:15,936
Just this morning
we were zooming around
384
00:17:15,938 --> 00:17:18,271
in a white Porsche, and you were
wearing a purple jumpsuit.
385
00:17:18,273 --> 00:17:19,739
Stop digging!
You struck oil!
386
00:17:19,741 --> 00:17:21,341
Why aren't we going already?
387
00:17:21,343 --> 00:17:23,610
Because I used my only Christmas wish.
388
00:17:23,612 --> 00:17:25,278
Well, do I get one?
389
00:17:26,949 --> 00:17:30,550
# Jingle bell, jingle bell,
jingle bell rock #
390
00:17:30,552 --> 00:17:32,552
Put this back on the tree
and make your wish.
391
00:17:32,554 --> 00:17:33,954
# Jingle bells swing
and jingle bells ring #
392
00:17:33,956 --> 00:17:35,422
Wait, wait.
393
00:17:35,424 --> 00:17:36,790
All right.
Make your wish.
394
00:17:36,792 --> 00:17:39,559
What's the point?
It already came true.
395
00:17:39,561 --> 00:17:41,895
Just do it.
# Now the jingle hop has begun #
396
00:17:43,298 --> 00:17:45,599
Ooh. Ooh.
Ooh.
397
00:17:45,601 --> 00:17:48,835
It didn't work.
398
00:17:48,837 --> 00:17:51,004
Yeah, it did!
I got my Porsche!
399
00:17:51,006 --> 00:17:54,474
# Whoa-oh, oh-oh, oh,
oh, oh, oh #
400
00:17:54,476 --> 00:17:56,676
- You fool!
- What?
401
00:17:56,678 --> 00:17:57,978
Oh, we're out of wishes.
402
00:18:00,615 --> 00:18:02,883
Mary, you're my only hope!
403
00:18:02,885 --> 00:18:05,018
Don't you sometimes wish
that we were never married?
404
00:18:05,020 --> 00:18:07,020
Honey, what's come over you?
405
00:18:07,022 --> 00:18:09,322
I-I-I think you're fat
406
00:18:09,324 --> 00:18:11,057
and..ugly...
and you have bad hair.
407
00:18:11,059 --> 00:18:12,626
But those things aren't true.
408
00:18:12,628 --> 00:18:15,028
I know!
You're perfect!
409
00:18:15,030 --> 00:18:17,497
You got to think of something.
410
00:18:17,499 --> 00:18:19,666
These people suck balls.
411
00:18:30,612 --> 00:18:33,380
I ruined the house.
412
00:18:33,382 --> 00:18:35,482
Now don't you wish
we were never married?
413
00:18:35,484 --> 00:18:36,650
No!
414
00:18:36,652 --> 00:18:38,685
I'm just glad you're okay.
415
00:18:38,687 --> 00:18:40,921
You monster!
416
00:18:40,923 --> 00:18:42,856
Is this for me?
417
00:18:42,858 --> 00:18:44,791
Silly, that's for Ruth.
418
00:18:44,793 --> 00:18:47,394
No one understands me here!
419
00:18:51,566 --> 00:18:52,999
Oh, Francine,
420
00:18:53,001 --> 00:18:56,102
these are like the wine glasses
you never got.
421
00:18:56,104 --> 00:18:57,504
What's that, Stan?
Oh, nothing.
422
00:18:57,506 --> 00:19:00,040
Just... this wine glass
has a spot.
423
00:19:01,777 --> 00:19:04,678
Uh, there's... there's no spot
on that wine glass.
424
00:19:04,680 --> 00:19:05,946
What?
425
00:19:05,948 --> 00:19:07,013
Don't criticize her housekeeping.
426
00:19:07,015 --> 00:19:09,583
It's her one thing.
It is?
427
00:19:09,585 --> 00:19:12,118
Yeah. Mary,
this glass is filthy.
428
00:19:13,622 --> 00:19:15,388
Dude, I just told you...
Shut up, dickhead.
429
00:19:15,390 --> 00:19:17,390
I worked too hard for you to say...
430
00:19:17,392 --> 00:19:20,427
This whole table setting
looks kind of shabby.
431
00:19:20,429 --> 00:19:22,062
And these aren't even
Christmas napkins.
432
00:19:26,067 --> 00:19:27,801
How dare you, Stanley?!
433
00:19:27,803 --> 00:19:29,402
Honestly, with your taste,
434
00:19:29,404 --> 00:19:31,471
the hole I put in the wall
is an improvement.
435
00:19:31,473 --> 00:19:33,473
And you call this a tree angel?
436
00:19:33,475 --> 00:19:35,275
It looks like the creepy girl
from "The Ring."
437
00:19:36,778 --> 00:19:39,813
My great-grandma Lindqvist died
with this in her arms.
438
00:19:39,815 --> 00:19:42,782
Well,
it looks... like... crap.
439
00:19:42,784 --> 00:19:44,751
Maybe you're right, Stan.
440
00:19:44,753 --> 00:19:47,821
Sometimes I do wish
we were never married.
441
00:19:47,823 --> 00:19:51,124
Great.
Now put it on the tree.
442
00:19:54,863 --> 00:19:57,697
Please work.
Please, please.
443
00:19:59,968 --> 00:20:01,568
Oh, honey.
444
00:20:01,570 --> 00:20:03,436
I thought you were sleeping in.
445
00:20:03,438 --> 00:20:05,572
No. I never
want to sleep in.
446
00:20:05,574 --> 00:20:09,476
I want to be part of everything!
447
00:20:09,478 --> 00:20:11,745
Cozy!
448
00:20:11,747 --> 00:20:13,046
Thanks, dad.
449
00:20:13,048 --> 00:20:14,180
These are for you.
450
00:20:14,182 --> 00:20:16,049
I needed new birks!
451
00:20:16,051 --> 00:20:17,651
I know.
I can smell.
452
00:20:18,596 --> 00:20:20,787
You got the wine glasses.
453
00:20:20,789 --> 00:20:23,723
Just the one.
What? Why?
454
00:20:23,725 --> 00:20:27,060
'Cause you're my one and only, baby.
455
00:20:29,063 --> 00:20:32,132
Oh! Group hug!
Aah!
456
00:20:33,534 --> 00:20:35,802
What's all the racket?
457
00:20:35,804 --> 00:20:38,672
Oh. Family hug.
458
00:20:38,674 --> 00:20:40,073
Get in here, fish.
459
00:20:40,075 --> 00:20:42,909
Mwah!
460
00:20:44,779 --> 00:20:47,514
Mom, dad!
I learned my lesson.
461
00:20:47,516 --> 00:20:49,816
I'll never take you for granted again!
462
00:20:49,818 --> 00:20:52,085
Snot, for the last time,
you're not our son.
463
00:20:52,087 --> 00:20:54,654
It was worth a shot.
464
00:20:54,656 --> 00:21:02,429
# Oh, there's no place like home
for the holidays #
33529
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