Original subtitles

Cut, clarity, carat...

Ka-ching!

I could hock this rock for a fortune.

Paws off my engagement ring, cat.

I'’m never removing this beautiful sparkly...

Plastic twist tie?

Freeze, cat burglar!

[ Salem groans]

Now, we can do this one of two ways...

The hard way, or the really hard way.

Don'’t I at least get a phone call?

No, not in Sabrina spellman'’s america.

[ Salem grumbles]

Oh, did the mean old cat hurt you?

Cattica! Cattica! Cattica!

Ow.

♪ Life'’s changing around me, and i'’m gonna make it mine ♪

♪ i'’m reaching out and living by my rules... ♪

♪ Time'’s moving way too fast ♪

♪ I wanna make it last...

♪ '’cause i'’m out on my own now ♪

♪ and I like the way it feels.

Are you sure you Don'’t need any help?

I'’m fine.

I'’m just meeting Aaron'’s parents.

They'’re not just your boyfriend'’s parents.

They are your future in-laws.

And whatever they think about this first dinner

is what they are going to think about you

for the rest of your life.

That i'’m dry but well seasoned? [ Door bell rings]

Unless that'’s them, and they'’re 40 minutes early,

in which case they'’ll be calling me bland and half-baked.

We can stay here if you want.

No, go, enjoy your evening.

I'’ve got everything under control.

Where is it written that you

have to start cooking once you get engaged?

Probably the same stupid book that says you have to stop

dating other people.

Oh, here, i'’m on my way to pick up my folks

at the train station.

Well, what'’s all this?

Just a couple of things I know my dad'’s going to want

for dinner... peppercorns, mustard, ice cream.

Like, all together in the same bowl?

He'’s a little detail oriented.

Most nuclear engineers are.

Nuclear engineer?

Okay, that'’s a nine on the intimidating meter.

Anything I should know about mom?

She'’s an expert on relationships.

Well, what woman isn'’t?

No, my mom really is.

She'’s even written a book on the subject.

"Not with my son you Don'’t."

Skim it.

Okay, i'’m running late.

Don'’t be nervous.

This is going to be fun.

Nervous? I'’m not nervous.

I am way past nervous.

Roxie! Morgan!

Oh, right.

[ Mooing]I'’ve never seen

so many cows in my whole life.

Has there always been a farm here?

This is dinner, huh?

So you'’re assuming they'’ll have already eaten.

Salem, just once could you say

something supportive and helpful?

I wish you were marrying Harvey?

Ugh! You know, I wonder if I could find

a recipe that calls for a dead cat.

But I like Harvey.

He'’s the only one of your boyfriends

who ever treated me like a person.

He'’s the only one that ever knew you werea person.

Why are you so ashamed of me?

Did you know there is a farm

where that middle school used to be?

Yeah, yeah, I think I heard that at the block meeting.

Ah, thank goodness you are home.

I am having judgmental geniuses for dinner.

Oh, you'’ll feel better once you'’ve changed

and done your hair.

I changed.

I did my hair.

What can we do to help?

Everything. Set the table, shine the silver,

fluff the pillows, go!

[ Doorbell rings] Don'’t go!

Ah, greet them at the door, make small talk.

Be charming,

but not more charming than me. Go!

Okay, calm down.

Couple of deep breaths, everything will be fine.

Know what else I like about Harvey?

Salem! Aaron and I are getting married.

That'’s that.

Maybe i'’ll marry Harvey.

I think it'’s legal in Vermont.

Thank you both for welcoming us into your home.

Oh, not really our home,

or our idea, but come on in anyway.

Ah, there she is.

Sabrina...

These are my parents... Shirley, Bob.

Mom, dad, this is the girl that i'’m going to spend

the rest of my life with.

I'’m so happy to meet you.

You'’re just like Aaron described.

Good, no hug.

'’cause I got a lot of personal space issues.

Except with you. Don'’t leave my side.

So, um, Aaron told me a lot about you.

Well, obviously he didn'’t tell you I hate small talk.

I like them.

Yeah.

So, Sabrina tells me you'’re a nuclear engineer.

15 years.

Bringing cheap energy to the masses.

Cheap and deadly.

Do you realize you'’re slowly ruining the global ecosystem?

We'’re working as fast as we can.

Morgan, quick, run interference.

No problem.

I, so, you'’re in the nuclear biz, huh?

I once dated a guy named Adam,

but then we split.

[ Laughs]

So you have no contact with your parents whatsoever?

No, well, it'’s not like it'’s our choice,

it'’s, uh...

Well, they'’re, they'’re very

busy, and uh, they travel a lot.

Town to town.

It'’s not like they'’re carnies

or anything, it'’s complicated.

Mom, can we do this without the grilling?

Aaron, honey, I am not grilling her.

So how many serious relationships have you been in?

Well, that depends on what you mean by serious.

You know, i'’ve had a lot of relationships,

oh, I Don'’t mean a lot, i, I just, um,

you know, I, I, I never took any of them seriously.

Have I told you about my parents?

I like her.

I like her a lot. Even more than Brenda.

Thank you. Who'’s Brenda?

Oh, no one, no one important.

His last finance.

What? You were engaged before?

You know, honestly, that was such a...

Communication is the cornerstone

of every successful relationship.

Yes, and you and I need to communicate right now!

Morgan. Shirley-distract now.

I'’m on it.

Ah, so...

You'’re a relationship expert.

I once dated a guy named Adam,

but then we split.

[ Laughs]

So, when were you going to tell me about Brenda?

Sabrina, that was so long ago.

Honestly, I haven'’t spoken to her in years.

She'’s ancient history.

Hey, Sabrina, hope i'’m not late.

Unlike your ex, who just lives on and on.

I can'’t believe you invited him

to dinner with my parents.

I didn'’t invite him!

I didn'’t invite you.

I know. Salem did.

He said there'’d be dinner.

Fireworks.

I'’ve lit the fuse.

Now I just wait for the kablooey!

[ Laughs maniacally]

[ Chokes on flowers]

Well, you can'’t stay.

This night is already a minefield.

So, Mr. Kinkle.

I understand you'’re the ex.

If anyone can give me some insights

into my future daughter-in-law, it'’s you.

Come, sit next to me.

Harvey, no.

Chew later. Go tell Aaron that you invited Harvey.

Did I? You did now.

It'’s people like you who are destroying the planet.

And it'’s people like you who make me want to.

Guys, it'’s a party, let'’s not talk politics.

Why, exactly, did Sabrina break up with you?

Guys, it'’s a party. Let'’s not talk relationships.

I have no idea why I invited him.

Guys, it'’s a party. Let'’s not talk...

Let'’s just not talk.

I smell smoke.

Is something on fire?

Oh, wouldn'’t it be great?

I see good old Harvey stopped by.

How serendipitous.

I'’ll serendip you.

Oh, this is a complete disaster.

I wanted this evening to be perfect.

You know, we should be laughing,

clinking glasses,

everything should be harmonious.

That'’s it! "My guests are angry as can be,

bring this night some Harmony."

"Harmony salt.

Helping people get along since 1892."

Excellent.

I will just season this evening to perfection.

[ All arguing]

Hey, look everyone, crabcakes!

Oh, my favorite.

Oh! Wonderful.

You made Harvey'’s favorite.

Just eat this, Mr. Previously engaged.

So, do we like the crab cakes?

All: Mmm!

Good.

So, crazy weather we'’ve be having, huh?

[ Piano music]

♪ Harmony

♪ gosh, we'’re feeling swell ♪

I guess the musical notes on the label

should have tipped me off.

Oh, well, at least we'’re not arguing anymore.

[ Music continues]

♪ Harmony, Harmony

♪ gosh, we'’re feeling swell ♪

♪ Harmony, Harmony

♪ this is going oh, so well

♪ imagine my delight to meet you here tonight ♪

♪ and endlessly enumerate the reasons you'’re not right ♪

Excuse me?

♪ My boy says you'’re the one, when all is said and done ♪

♪ you simply are not good enough to wed my perfect son ♪

♪ it steams seeing Harvey standing next to you ♪

♪ it seems that Harvey'’s more than just an ex to you ♪

Oh, yeah?

♪ I love the ring, but hey, i'’d love to hear you say ♪

♪ how many other fiancees you'’ve dumped along the way ♪

♪ Harmony, Harmony

♪ can'’t conceal the bile ♪

♪ Harmony, Harmony

♪ this is going to take a while ♪

♪ your power plants and toxic dumps ♪

♪ are perilous

♪ your roommate'’s confrontational ♪ and querulous ♪

♪ perhaps it would be best to not offend our guest ♪

♪ so zip your lip and give your hippie politics a rest ♪

Morgan, help!

Everybody, look at Morgan!

♪ Harmony, Harmony

♪ this was not my plan

♪ now we'’re all meaner than when the stupid song began ♪

♪ There'’s nothing like a good old fashioned melody ♪

♪ to put a little gloss on animosity ♪

♪ sling mud with effervescent charm ♪

♪ draw blood while singing arm-in-arm ♪

♪ and all in perfect Harmony

in case you didn'’t hear it.

♪ Knock down, drag out Harmony ♪

A one mo'’ time! A five, six...

No! No mo'’ time. Enough music.

[ All arguing]

Everybody, listen!

I think we'’re all getting a little out of control here.

I'’m fine.

Although I have a strange urge to do jazz hands.

Look, we'’re arguing and insulting each other

and we'’re losing sight of what'’s really important.

Aaron and I are about to embark on the most significant journey

of our lives, and we'’ll need all the support we can get.

At the end of the day, the important thing to remember

is that Aaron loves me, and I love Harvey.

Did I just say Harvey?

Harvey? You love... Harvey?

No, not Harvey.

Aaron, you.

Well, you said Harvey.

You did.

Yep.

She did.

I know.

Okay, I know I said it.

I, I Don'’t deny that I said it.

But I didn'’t mean to say it.

I Don'’t know what I was thinking.

I guess Harvey'’s just been on my mind a lot lately.

Oh, well, that makes me, Aaron, feel so much better.

It sounds to me like a certain young lady

has some serious issues.

Issues? I Don'’t have issues.

Aaron, honey, tell her I love you.

Tell her!

Sabrina, I think I have to agree with my mother on this.

No, Don'’t start now, son.

It'’s a slippery slope.

And here I thought things were going so well.

No, please Don'’t go.

We haven'’t even had dinner yet.

Oh, and who do you think has an appetite right now?

I do.

How could I have been so stupid? I ruined everything.

Except for the chicken,

which is like a little slice of heaven.

I think you'’re overreacting.

Harvey will be fine.

I tell guys that I love them all the time and Don'’t mean it.

They'’re surprisingly resilient.

Is it possible you still have feelings for Harvey?

No. Not possible.

It was a slip of the tongue.

You know, tongues get slippery.

They'’re like a water slide for words.

I Don'’t think this was just a slip of the tongue.

I think it was a freudian slip.

And as Freud said, "there are no accidents."

[ German accent] Perhaps the root of the problem

lies somewhere in your subconscious desires, no?

No. The root of my problems is that i'’m talking to a cat.

Why won'’t Aaron call me back?

Maybe because you called him "Harvey."

Thank you, Dr. Duh.

But why did I say that?

Maybe roxie'’s right.

Maybe I should talk to somebody.

What am I, chopped liver?

Mmmm. Liver. I think our time is up.

Yeah, i'’ll say.

"I need to get some things off my chest.

Help me find the shrink who is the best."

Hey, swanky.

Oooh, look, there'’s even lemon in the water.

Hello, i'’m Dr. Jacobs.

Sabrina?

Shirley? You'’re the best psychologist in Boston?

I got to be more specific with my incantations.

What are you doing here

besides spitting citric acid all over the leather?

Uh, oh, well, I thought I was going to bare my soul

and fix my relationship, but, uh, best laid plans...

I should probably go.

Probably.

I Don'’t think conflict of interest

even begins to cover this.

Look, Shirley... Dr. Jacobs...

I know you probably Don'’t believe this,

but freudian slip or not, I love Aaron.

Jacobs.

Your son. Very much.

See ya.

I'’ve got to say,

I am impressed how forcefully and directly

you'’re addressing this problem.

You are? I mean, that'’s me.

Sabrina "always addressing things forcefully" spellman.

Sabrina, can I talk to you as a professional?

Suppose you just talk to me as my future mother-in-law.

Stay away from my son.

Professional it is. Good choice.

Sabrina, I Don'’t think you know what you want.

I Don'’t think your know your own heart.

I think I know my own heart.

I mean, not that i'’d recognize it walking down the street.

But you'’re not really one

for the witty aside, are you?

I think you have to look deep within your heart

and figure out what'’s really going on.

And once you'’ve done that, we'’ll have dinner again.

That'’s it? Easy.

See you in about four years.

Four years?

At least.

There are no short cuts in mental health.

So, i'’m guessing it'’s too soon to start calling you "mom"?

See? Not even a smile.

♪ Harmony, Harmony

♪ gosh, we'’re feeling swell. ♪

You ever have a song you just can'’t get out of your head?

The meow mix jingle comes to mind.

Oh, thanks. There it is again.

Why does it seem like you'’re here more than I am?

I figure I should be around.

Seeing as you love me.

Look, that was a mistake.

And awful, horrible mistake that should never have happened.

Is that any way to talk to the man you love?

Harvey, please, I Don'’t have time for this.

I have to look deep within my heart

and find out why I said it in the first place.

I'’m guessing this is going to involve

a lot of pinging and pointing.

Good guess.

Let'’s see.

Heart.

"Lonely..." "be still my beating..."

"Left in San Francisco..."

Maps of... that'’s it!

A map of my heart.

What could be easier?

Just about anything.

Why are these things always so confusing?

Oh, good, there'’s an information booth.

[ Rings bell] Excuse me?

Oh, hello. Welcome to Sabrina'’s heart.

Are you here to become a patron of the hearts?

No, actually i'’m here to look deep within it.

Oh, well, excellent.

There'’s a map and...

Oh, my gosh.

You'’re her.

It'’s you.

I'’ve always wanted to meet you.

You almost came through my throat last time

I rode a roller coaster.

I think I was more frightened than you that day.

What'’s that?

Oh, the jalapenos you had for lunch.

Sorry.

Oh, not a problem.

Now if you'’ll follow me,

we'’ll start in the left ventricle.

Korean? How many korean tourists do you actually get here?

You'’d be surprised.

Oh, I love blue.

I know, we'’ve got scads of it.

Sweet tarts! Oh, I love sweet tarts.

Toaster waffles. Oh, i...

Love them, I know.

Strangely, one of our most popular exhibits.

You know, I was worried that my heart would reveal

all these deep dark secrets, but it'’s really very...

Cracked?!

I Don'’t get it.

I work out, I eat right.

Oh, you'’re fine.

Every heart gets broken.

This is where Harvey broke yours.

As they say,

"time and a couple of day laborers heal all wounds."

Aaron!

See, I knew it.

I love Aaron.

Yeah, again, I know.

I mean, not only is he in my heart, but i'’ve got him

on a pedestal, which may not be the healthiest thing,

but i'’ll work on that later. Yeah, later, yeah.

So I guess that comment about Harvey really was just a slip of the tongue.

Hey, Harvey.

Harvey!

What'’s Harvey doing here in his own room?

With a plasma screen TV. Is that real plasma?

Harvey obviously occupies a very special place in your heart.

Well, why is Aaron out in the hallway

on a crummy pedestal?

Well, Harvey'’s part of our permanent collection,

and things in the hallway are just temporary.

Temporary?

Oh, Don'’t you remember two years ago

when you loved orange?

It was the new black or something?

If I never see that color again...

Okay, look, Aaron is not temporary.

We'’re getting married. Till death do us part?

You can'’t get more permanent than that.

Well, you really haven'’t known him that long.

I'’ll take it up with the people upstairs.

The people upstairs are me!

No wonder i'’ve been blurting out Harvey'’s name.

We got to find a room for Aaron.

Oh, no, no, please Don'’t, no, that'’s the...

Don'’t, Don'’t that'’s the...

Billy Johnson! Oh, he was my first crush.

He ate a caterpillar just to impress me.

Eww!

Don'’t open that door!

Oh! Puppies! I love puppies!

Yeah, you Don'’t have to clean up after them.

Look, Aaron is here to stay.

He needs a room and he needs it now.

Somebody'’s got to go.

Billy, pack it up!

The heart has an infinite capacity for love.

Rooms get built over time.

Well, I Don'’t have time. I need a room now.

Knock yourself out.

I wonder how Aaron would feel about a lean-to

and a sleeping bag.

If only Jimmy Carter could see me now.

This has got to be good for my heart.

It'’s so frustrating.

She says she loves me, and yet,

I have this constant feeling that i'’m just some guy

passing through her life.

I hate to tell you this, dear, but I really Don'’t think

there'’s anything Sabrina can do to change how you feel.

[ Sighs]

Come on, come on!

You'’re hammering like a little boy!

You'’re mean.

I'’m glad I dumped you for susie Gibson.

Maybe you'’re right.

Maybe I should just call the whole thing off.

Well, if you think that'’s best.

Voila!

Your very own room.

Rent stabilized,

an unbreakable lease, and a partial view of the lungs.

I love it!

Won'’t be needing this anymore.

Ow!

Well, welcome to your new home.

All right, all right.

You'’ve convinced me.

I guess i'’ll just call Sabrina and tell her...

That I love her, and I know that the other night

was just a horrible mistake.

What?

You just have to believe me when I tell you I know I have

a special place in Sabrina'’s heart.

And I just have to remember that we all have pasts.

But Sabrina is definitely my future.

Maybe you Don'’t know everything, mom.

If only I could blame his mother.

What I wouldn'’t give for a guy that forgiving and understanding.

Heck, i'’d settle for his good looks and money.

Okay, lunch is ready.

Wow. This looks great, thanks.

Thank you.

[ Music starts]

♪ Harmony, Harmony

♪ gosh, we'’re feeling swell ♪

I'’ll get you for this!

[ Laughs]

♪ Harmony, Harmony

♪ this is going oh, so well

well, that was a tough couple of days.

But i'’m glad everything worked out.

So am I.

I love you, Sabrina.

I love you, Billy.

Did I just say "Billy"?