Original subtitles

I'’m late. I'’m late.

But not so late that I Don'’t have time to freak out

and ask what the heck is going on.

Just trying to start my day in a civilized manner.

Are you sure you wouldn'’t like a little tea, Mr. Wiggles?

Salem, you can dress it up and call it whatever

emasculating name you want, but it has to go.

But I want a pet.

I hate to break it to you, buddy, but you are the pet.

Huh?

I Don'’t think my roommates

are going to find this little cat and bunny show

within the scope of their reality.

Morning, Sabrina.

Hi, roxie. Hi, Harvey.

Cute jacket.

Thanks for the coffee.

Fortunately, she has her own reality.

♪ Life'’s changing around me, and i'’m gonna make it mine ♪

♪ i'’m reaching out and living by my rules... ♪

♪ Time'’s moving way too fast ♪

♪ I wanna make it last...

♪ '’cause i'’m out on my own now ♪

♪ and I like the way it feels.

Fine or ultra fine?

I think i'’m going to go with the ultra fine.

Fine, Leonard.

Right. The ultra fine is too thin.

No, I mean I Don'’t care what kind of pens

you pick out for the office.

This is a huge decision.

One that we are going to be writing with

for the next few months of our lives.

I know it'’s scary, but just pick a pen

and make a commitment.

But... No more pen talk.

I just want. None.

Look, I have a lot to do, okay?

I Don'’t have time for any more... distractions.

Unless they'’re wearing a leather jacket and have a perfectly chiseled jaw.

Yeah, yeah, I think an article

on the band'’s first album would be great.

Especially if i'’m the one writing it.

All right, look, you just tell me what you need, okay?

Launching this band is my number one priority.

I am completely...

focused.

Is he still looking?

Yeah. Oh, now he'’s smiling.

Now, Cole looks like

he'’s saying something a little snotty.

Now he'’s laughing... But not too much.

Hey.

He seems awfully friendly.

Well, do you know who he is?

Uh, no. Oh, but you'’re about to find out.

He'’s coming over here. Do you want me to go?

No, stay... go... stay... Okay, go.

It'’s a good thing you'’re not a crossing guard.

No, I mean it, go.

[ Loud grinding]

You know, you'’re smoking.

Wow, talk about your opening lines.

No, I kind of meant the, um, pen

that you'’re sharpening.

Oh, uh... now it'’s perfect.

Now it'’s ultra, ultra fine.

Hi. I'’m Aaron Jacobs.

Aaron Jacobs, the band promoter

i'’ve heard so much about and oh so incorrectly

pictured with a beer belly and a bad rug?

I'’m Sabrina.

Spellman.

The girl whose column I never miss.

Nice to finally meet you.

I'’m sorry if my hands are kind of sweaty.

Um, I was just flexing one of those exercise thingies.

It'’s okay, my, um, heart is beating so fast

I didn'’t really notice.

Probably too much caffeine.

I love your writing... I love your band...

I just wanted to, um...

Tell you that i'’m a big fan of your writing.

You know, it'’s, um, honest.

Oh, well, I try.

You know, my motto is "gimme some truth."

John Lennon song, right?

Sounds like we might have a lot in common.

I mean,

at least musically speaking.

Oh, i'’m betting way more than musically.

Ooh, is it hot in here.

Well, look, you'’ve, uh, probably got a lot to do

now that your, uh, pen is ready to go, so...

You know, I was wondering...

Whoa, is that the time?

You know, i'’m supposed to, um...

There'’s people, you know?

And it was very nice...

Got to go.

Fyi...

She'’s not interested in charm and good looks.

Trust me, or she'’d already be taken.

Roxie: You ran out without him?

That is so not how this story is supposed to end.

I'’m telling you, I Don'’t know what happened.

I just panicked.

Well, if you want my professional dating opinion,

you'’re an idiot.

Going with big red on this one.

My head, my mouth, my heart, they were all out of control.

I think my feet just assessed the situation and screamed fire.

Sabrina, that sweaty-palmed, heart-racing,

stomach-in-your-throat feeling is what dating is all about.

That and a free dinner.

She'’s right, sort of.

You know, i'’m not a big believer of love at first sight

but that sounds exactly like what this is.

You owe it to yourself to find out.

I Don'’t know. You guys weren'’t there.

There'’s something about him that just wasn'’t right.

Not right is you talking yourself out of liking

this guy because he has some mythical host of unknown problems.

You know, she does that all the time.

Okay, the ganging up thing... A little annoying.

All right, maybe

I overreacted.

I mean, if the fates ever throw us together again

and he asks me out, i'’ll go.

The fates have a very twisted sense of humor.

That'’s him.

Don'’t look!

Here he comes.

Oh, my god. I'’m getting a zit.

Sabrina: Maybe he is the one.

And this is how I always pictured it would be.

It'’s like time is standing still.

Wait a minute...

Time really is standing still.

And I did it.

Why did I do that?

Maybe i'’m sensing danger.

Maybe i'’m supposed to protect myself.

Maybe I should stop talking to myself.

Hi.

I'’m not quite sure what happened this afternoon

but, um, I promised myself

if the fates ever threw us together again...

I got to go.

You'’ve got to admit, she'’s quick.

And Don'’t take it too personally.

You know, fast unexplained exits are kind of her specialty.

Ah, I was right.

When a witch perceives extraordinary danger,

time may freeze so she can assess the situation and escape.

To Tahiti with a cat.

Worth a shot.

You know, it doesn'’t actually say he'’s a threat.

Well, I just have to figure out why i'’m so scared of Aaron.

I got it. Call him up.

Meet for coffee, catch a flick.

Look, I stopped time.

Clearly, something is amiss.

Oh, here. Here'’s a spell to figure out

what makes somebody tick.

"To know a person'’s intentions

gather something from their head, mouth and heart."

Okay, head, mouth and heart.

Where'’s my, uh...?

Oh, never mind. You can keep it.

Hi and bye.

You know, if this is about overwatering the plants,

I swear I did it out of love.

Sabrina, this is a dating intervention.

Aaron seems like a great guy.

Yeah, what is wrong with you?

Handsome, smart and funny

is like winning the dating lottery

without having to stand on line with poor people.

You haven'’t really dated anyone since Josh.

We'’re beginning to think you'’ve forgotten how.

Whoa. Have either of you actually talked to him?

I mean, do you know anything about him?

Let'’s just say he wasn'’t super chatty

after your most recent dine-and-dash.

Besides, those are all things you learn

by actually going on a date with someone.

Look, I know you guys mean well

but you'’re going to have to trust me on this one.

Ever feel like you'’re only getting half the story?

Every other day of my life.

Something from his head.

It'’s been almost a year since we broke up,

but she still calls.

Not over your ex yet, eh, Sonny boy?

How typical.

I beg your pardon?

Uh, just making conversation. Hold still.

Oops.

Oops?!

Well, you know, in my defense

I did tell you to hold still.

Something from his mouth.

Fillings? Tongue? Spit?

Ouch, ouch and gross.

Hey, James,

if you hypothetically

had to get something from somebody'’s mouth

for a way out of control scavenger hunt,

what would it be?

Well, I know what you'’d get from my mouth.

Probably a lot of words you wouldn'’t want to hear

like what kind of stupid question is that?

Was that helpful?

Not at all.

I tried.

Finally. It'’s about time, man.

Got those contact sheets?

Don'’t forget to drop off contact sheets at scorch.

You got it bad, man.

That'’s...

She was right here two seconds ago.

Yeah, that'’s okay.

I seem to have that effect on her.

Uh, top of the list for the scavenger hunt...

Chewed gum.

Okay, now something from his heart...

Or as they say in español, El hearto.

I Don'’t know about this place, Aaron.

There'’s a serious cheese factor going on.

Really? I think it'’s great.

You know, it'’s so retro.

Kind of reminds me of happy days.

I love that show.

That'’ll do.

Olé... ter.

So, you still chasing that writer chick?

Hey, any girl who looks like that

and can quote Lennon, she'’s the girl for me.

Hi. Normally I Don'’t interfere with my friend'’s lives

but I think i'’m about to make a big exception.

I just have to mix this all together

and i'’ll finally know what makes Aaron tick.

Something from his head... A lock of hair.

Something from his mouth... Words he spoke.

And something from his heart...

He really loved your show, potsie.

Thanks, Mrs. C.

Cool. What makes him tick.

A watch, of course.

Hey, look, it even has his name on the back.

You know that'’s going to make it impossible to return.

I just have to wind this sucker up

and i'’ll finally know what sinister thoughts

are lurking beneath that cool, handsome exterior.

Sabrina, we need to talk.

Oh, cute. Salem'’s got a pet.

Yeah, and they need time to bond.

So why Don'’t we talk in the other room.

Morgan, look, i'’m really busy

so if there'’s any way this could wait...

There is not. It'’s too important.

Well, then make it quick.

First of all, you'’re missing an earring

and it looks like something

gnawed a holed in your sweater.

I love this sweater!

Oh, someone is this close to becoming stew!

Sabrina, I think that

I am a little more experienced in

matters of the heart than you are,

and I really believe that you are missing

a huge opportunity with Aaron.

And it'’s only because I care about you...

Morgan, you have to trust me.

I mean, there might be

a lot more too this guy than we know.

Give me two minutes...

I bet we'’ll be discussing his prison record.

What? Prison?

Oh, my god, roxie!

Okay, now let'’s find out

what makes Aaron...

The watch... it'’s gone.

Where is it?

You know the old expression...

"hare today, gone to Maui."

See? This is why you cannot have a pet.

Okay, where are you, you furry little pickpocket?

Whoa!

You startled me.

What are you doing here?

You didn'’t happen to see a rabbit go by, did you?

Uh, no.

Look, I know this might seem kind of weird and stalkery

but, you know, I have on good authority that...

You'’re going to run away again, aren'’t you?

Afraid so.

I swear, rabbit, you'’d better give me back that watch or else!

Whoa. I'’m guessing this would be the "or else."

Nice hole. Very rustic.

The journey first you must take.

Love and future are at stake.

Look, I have spent way too much time and energy

making that watch, okay?

I'’ve got to figure out what makes

that tall, hunky stranger lurking in my house tick.

I Don'’t have time for your silly magical...

Cookie?

Maybe just one.

[ Squeaks]: Hey, come back here!

Whoa, talk about carbo loading.

So how did it go?

Better.

I almost got out a whole sentence this time

before she ran out of the room.

Well, I know she'’ll be back.

She'’s pretty partial to dinner.

Yeah, that may be, but I think it'’s time I took the hint.

No, please.

Come in for a few minutes.

You know you want to see her again.

Okay, fine.

But I have my dignity.

If she'’s not back in a week, i'’m out of here.

You know you'’ve got a big chunk of hair missing

from the back of your head?

Hey, baby.

[ Laughs]: Nice dress.

You should talk.

James?

I answer to a lot of names, but James ain'’t one of them.

Of course you Don'’t.

Why populate an annoying alternate universe

with annoying people I already know?

That was rhetorical, right?

Yeah. So, uh, have you by any chance

seen an exceptionally spry white rabbit

with a pocket full of stolen property pass by?

Oh, yeah.

Oh, except he was more brown and white.

And, you know, he wasn'’t so much a rabbit

as he was a tree squirrel.

Come to think of it

that may have been last Tuesday.

Bottom line, have you seen him or not?

I guess not.

Has anyone ever told you you'’re very misleading?

Just this furry little white guy with a big pocket watch.

So you did see him?

Who?

All right.

He may have mentioned I had a lot in common

with this watch he was carrying.

You saw the watch? What did it say?

All I saw was the word "misleading" on his face.

Aaron is misleading?

Definitely not a quality you want in a boyfriend.

Ooh. You single?

How about you put me in a shoe box and take me home?

No. But, uh, i'’ll look you up next time I go fishing.

No, Sabrina'’s lived here since high school.

So what about you? Where are you from?

Oh, all over. We moved around a lot.

Roxie, I am so glad I found you.

I went all the way to the diner to warn you...

not to have the pulled pork.

It'’s bad.

Uh, okay.

So what else could I tell you about Sabrina?

What are you doing?

[ Stammering]

Trying to subtly get you to come over here.

Excuse me for just one second.

What is he doing here?

Sabrina thinks that he may have a prison record or worse.

You'’re insane.

And I Don'’t mean your normal, nutty, endearing insane.

He'’s a great guy.

He'’s just asking a ton of questions about Sabrina and...

And being incredibly vague

any time I ask him about himself.

Who'’s being endearing now?

Okay, i'’ll keep an eye on him.

You try and find Sabrina.

We'’ll get to the bottom of this.

And how creepy is it that he'’s just hanging out here?

Well, I did invite him to stay,

but he accepted awfully quick.

Very suspicious.

Oh, good, good, another guest has arrived.

No, no, no, i'’m not staying.

I just... whoa.

Do the names Leonard and Cole mean anything to you guys?

No, but if they'’re coming to our party

they have to bring their own chairs.

Oh, and cheese. Cheese would be nice.

Okay, i'’m a little reluctant to ask,

but have you seen the white rabbit?

Oh, yes, we know exactly where he is.

We won'’t tell you until you have a cup of tea with us first.

All right, but it has to be quick

because i'’ve got company upstairs...

You know, with a misleading heart but great hair.

So it has to be a very small cup.

Sure.

Oh, no, no!

Don'’t sit there. Why not?

Well, what if I want to sit there later?

Wow, self-centered in two different dimensions.

So, what will it be?

We have black tea, brown tea, green tea, chamomile,

darjeeling, Jasmine...

Excuse me, i'’m sitting there now.

Oolong, almond, BlackBerry, peppermint...

Excuse me, i'’m sitting there now.

All right, pick a tea and pick a seat!

No, that would require too much of a commitment.

Commitment is bad.

Very afraid of commitment are we.

It'’s just like the rabbit'’s watch read.

The watch said "fear of commitment"?

Plain as day.

It was fairly committed to its fear of commitment.

Wonderland has been irritating and perplexing

but at least now I know what makes Aaron tick.

I mean, who wants to get involved with somebody

who'’s misleading and afraid of commitment?

I'’m just trying to find someone who won'’t steal my chair.

Iris, peach, chrysanthemum, ginger...

[ Laughs]

Looking for someone?

Sa...? I'’m not even going to ask.

Yes, i'’m looking for someone.

Any idea where the white rabbit might be?

Maybe yes, maybe no.

Impressive, but I Don'’t have a lot of time

for all this double-talk, riddle-me-this, riddle-me-that

fading in and out business.

It'’s my best trick.

Want to see my best trick? It'’s called toothless cheshire.

Point taken.

He'’s playing croquet with the queen.

Dang, I always forget.

Whenever you fall into a parallel fairy tale universe,

always skip ahead to the last chapter.

Oh, did you see the watch?

Excellent craftsmanship.

But you probably want to know about the big secret.

Finally we'’re getting somewhere. What'’s the big secret?

How should I know?

It just said "big secret."

Yeah, another thing I always forget.

Cats... unhelpful no matter what story you'’re telling.

So that'’s it?

That'’s all you have to say

about the last three years of your life?

You quit mtv,

started your own label, got into a&r

and now manage a band?

Sounds just a little sketchy.

Yeah, okay, I think my time here is just about up.

Oh, not so fast.

What makes you think you deserve a girl

as special as Sabrina in the first place?

You know, i'’m not uncomfortable with waiting in silence.

You broke my wicket.

I think you broke my foot.

Off with her head. What?

You'’re kidding, right? Kind of.

I just like saying it.

So, up for a game of croquet?

Oh, no, i'’m not really one for games.

Although I would be up for a hand or two of gin rummy.

That'’s too bad.

Playing games is what really makes that watch of yours tick.

Aaron'’s a game player, too?

You know, this is getting worse by the character.

Oh, speaking of which, I thought I might find the white rabbit here.

Oh, he'’s already played through.

But if you can get your ball

to the other end of the field...

I can see him and be through with this farce?

That'’s the game.

A number six flamingo, diamond boy.

And stand back.

Fore!

Okay, rabbit, what do you have to say for yourself?

Close your eyes and touch the tree,

you'’ll find the watch you need to see.

For crying out...

You showed the watch to every caterpillar, cat

and crazed milliner you come across

but i'’m the one who has to choose?

Fine.

[ Clock chimes]

Hey, it worked.

"Misleading,

fear of commitment, games player, big secret."

Happy you do not seem.

Well, I guess part of me was kind of hoping

that Aaron would turn out to be a good guy.

But all the awful things

everybody down here told me about him were true.

What?

This is my watch?

At Salem'’s request I made it for thee

with a ring from your ear,

a pencil and a sweater you hold so dear.

But I Don'’t understand.

I mean, sure, i'’ve been misleading

and I guess you can say i'’ve been playing games

and heaven knows I have a big secret,

but am I really so afraid of commitment that i'’d stop time?

We must know our own heart

before we can know that of another.

Well, I guess I really was trying to protect myself.

I mean, Aaron is someone I could totally fall for,

and I just Don'’t want to get hurt again.

[ Magical chimes]

The truth, we know, for it rings so clear.

So what'’s up with whole Yoda- confucius-grasshopper thing?

Eh, the tourists seem to like it.

Thank goodness you'’re finally back.

You were so right about Aaron.

He'’s here and there'’s something very strange about him.

I Don'’t think he'’s the problem.

Hey.

Hi.

Look, I know I owe you a huge explanation.

But I Don'’t really have one.

All I can say is that i'’m sorry...

And that i'’m scared.

And I didn'’t mean to play games with you.

The point is, i'’m not the kind of girl

you should be running after.

Hey.

Then stop running.

Well, when you put it like that.

Are you sure you Don'’t want to at least

take a peek at Aaron'’s watch?

Nope.

I want to find out what makes him tick the old-fashioned way.

You know, you could'’ve told me

that your little white rabbit friend

was thewhite rabbit.

I thought you met him at my cousin Cheryl'’s bat mitzvah.

Oh. He looks different sober.

You know, that was a very nice thing you did for me.

I just didn'’t want to see you making a big mistake.

And it might be nice to see you in love again.

You'’re turning into a real softie.

Promise not to tell anyone?

Promise.

We'’re not going to hug... are we?

No, you'’re safe.

'’cause I wouldn'’t mind.