Original subtitles

[ TV playing]

Touch that remote and i'’ll use you for a scratching post!

Are you threatening me, cat?

Sounds like it, kinkle.

[ Both grunting]

[ Gasping]

[ Grunting]

[ Both grunting]

Sweet victory!

No one...

No one is taking this away from me.

Thanks, Harvey.

Hurry up, it'’s time for national superstars!

Coming through

national superstars is about to start.

Did I miss anything?

[ All sighing]

[ Theme song plays]

Does it matter that I was just watching TV?

Were you going to watch national superstars?

No.

Then it doesn'’t matter. This is the finale.

Clay'’s going to sing against Tanya.

Ooh, I wouldn'’t mind

making a little dreidle out of Clay.

You know, I just love watching someone'’s dreams coming true

right before our eyes.

I love the public humiliation.

I love the fashion horror show.

♪ Life'’s changing around me, and i'’m gonna make it mine ♪

♪ i'’m reaching out and living by my rules... ♪

♪ Time'’s moving way too fast ♪

♪ I wanna make it last...

♪ '’cause i'’m out on my own now ♪

♪ and I like the way it feels.

That'’s it? Nobody has a story idea?

Well, Annie, it'’s been kind of a slow week.

No rappers got arrested

no movie stars were hospitalized...

For "exhaustion."

Come on... a new trend, a new band...

There must be a story we haven'’t done.

Okay

last night on national superstars...

Which I only watch because my roommates made me...

They announced that they'’re going to do their next show

in Boston... I mean, maybe we could do a story on that.

That show was so lame.

[ All agreeing]

Seriously, I cannot believe people watch that junk.

There'’s no way Clay should have won, okay?

Tanya was so much better.

Tanya is hot... Rosie o'’donell hot.

Okay, you all have to got to get a life, okay?

Clay rocks.

Okay, great story idea.

Can'’t do it.

Absolutely no reporters allowed.

Well, what if I hide my little hat that says "press"?

No reporters allowed?

What'’s the big deal?

It'’s not like it'’s a crime scene.

Well, except when Tanya murdered "my heart will go on."

Great story idea.

Between you and me, it'’s been a dream of mine

to be on national superstars.

I sing the hell out of lady marmalade.

That'’s it.

I'’ll enter undercover as a contestant.

That way, there'’s nothing stopping me

from getting a great story.

Well, except abject fear.

Well, you probably wouldn'’t be so afraid

if you had a partner in crime.

I see where you'’re going, Leonard.

Yeah, you know what, i'’ll call roxie and Morgan

and see if they want to do it with me. Yeah!

They'’ll get a kick out of it

and i'’ll have two more contestants to interview.

Thanks, Leonard.

Fine. You can have my dream

but you'’re not getting my costume.

♪ Almost paradise

♪ we'’re knocking on heaven'’s door ♪

♪ almost paradise

♪ how could we ask for more?

As we prepare for our national superstarsaudition

the air is full of tension, excitement

and cheap hair spray.

Not to mention people who aren'’t reporters

talking into their hand.

I know we'’re kind of being used

to further your career

but this is the best way I have been used in years.

Yeah...

Thanks for forcing us to do this.

No problem.

You know, it really means a lot to have you guys here.

I Don'’t think I could do this alone.

You really are the best pals a gal ever had.

That'’s our name: Gal palz.

But with a "z."

Okay, as long as I Don'’t have to change my name to zabrina.

I know we'’re not here to win...

But that guy'’s really good.

He'’s all right

you know, if you like rhythm and perfect pitch.

But does his name have a "z" in it?

Thank you, Zeke. Thank you.

All these people are really good.

Usually there'’s at least one act that stinks.

Uh-oh.

I didn'’t really think this through.

If we sing, people are going to be celebrating

our public humiliation.

And i'’ve never won a contest where I wasn'’t wearing a bikini.

I got a lot of flack

from the other kids in the spelling bee for that.

Guy, guys, wait, wait.

You can'’t back out now.

I'’m so nervous.

I think my throat'’s closing up.

I got to get out of here.

Me, too.

Oh, nothing'’s ever easy.

We'’re next to sing, no time to debate

so make magic lozenges so our voices sound great.

Wow, "aunt Lorraine'’s talent lozenges.

Now with 25% more talent."

Guys, wait, look, win or lose

it'’ll be fun if we do it together.

You know, you just have preaudition jitters.

Why Don'’t we all relax and take a lozenge.

I Don'’t think a simple lozenge...

[ With sultry voice]: Whoa, this does feel good.

Is this honey lemon? Because I Don'’t really...

Oh, eat it.

[ Applause]

And now, welcome our next contestants

to the national superstars auditions.

Gal palz.

[ Applause]

Ladies?

♪ No, you'’re never gonna get it ♪

♪ ow

♪ never ever gonna get it

♪ no, not this time

♪ no, you'’re never gonna get it ♪

♪ my love

♪ never ever gonna get it

♪ ah, ah, ah

♪ so maybe next time you'’ll give your woman a little respect ♪

♪ so you won'’t be hearin'’ her say "no way" ♪

♪ no, you'’re never gonna get it ♪

♪ sweet lovin'’ ♪

♪ never ever gonna get it

♪ sweet lovin'’ ♪

♪ no, you'’re never gonna get it ♪

♪ my lovin'’ ♪

♪ never ever gonna get it

♪ ooh... bop!

[ Cheering and applause]

Fantastic.

Nice job.

We'’re going to take a quick break.

We'’ll be right back after this.

Good job.

Is it me, or do we actually sound decent?

Decent? We rocked.

Wow, you guys sounded amazing.

Which is weird because

i'’ve heard the three of you sing in the car

and to be honest, I thought it was engine trouble.

Well, we practiced

and you know, this place has really good acoustics.

Plus, we may have taken some magic lozenges.

So you really thought we were good?

Magic lozenges?

Well, it was an emergency.

You know, roxie and Morgan were going to bail on me

and I wouldn'’t have an article.

Plus, I did have a little tickle.

Here, have '’em.

See, all through, no harm done.

Sabrina, we'’re in! We'’re semifinalists!

What?!

They just announced it. Come on.

This wasn'’t supposed to happen.

I have what I need for my article.

How'’s my hair?

"Warning: Excess exposure to limelight

may have adverse effects."

Adverse effects?

Thank you, thank you.

Without you people, we'’re nothing.

No, without these, you'’re nothing.

Can you believe that we have

hair and makeup appointments at 10:00.

I didn'’t even call until last night.

Well, being famous means no waiting.

You know, it'’s too bad none of us needs a kidney.

Hey, did you guys know

there'’s someone going through your trash?

Well, Harvey, we are kind of famous.

I mean, everybody wants their gal palz souvenirs.

Everything we touch turns to money.

Hurry up. We'’re going to be late.

Aren'’t you guys going to work?

I'’m taking a leave of absence.

They were very understanding.

Of course, when our record hits number one

i'’ll blow off that dead-end job like a double-wide in Kansas.

And if I had a job to quit, i'’d blow it off, too.

Ooh...

Get job... quit.

And this is my job, remember?

I'’m doing a story here.

This isn'’t about the fame or the glory...

[ Horn honking]

Limo'’s here. Got to go.

Hey, wait, wait.

We need to talk about you

and these lozenges and this little warning label.

Look, just leave any of you concerns on my machine, okay?

Why are you just sitting there?

Can'’t you see that something'’s wrong?

All I see is a couple of girls enjoying their moment in the sun.

And it being rained on by some Harvey downer.

Well, I guess a little fame isn'’t such a bad thing.

Gives them a little boost...

A little thrill.

It gives us a lot of cash.

Now, i'’ll hop on eBay...

You go cut their sheets into one-inch squares.

♪ No, you'’re never gonna get it ♪

♪ ow

♪ never ever gonna get it

♪ no, not this time

♪ no, you'’re never gonna get it ♪

♪ my love

♪ never ever gonna get it

♪ ah, ah, ah

♪ so maybe next time you'’ll give your woman a little respect ♪

♪ so you won'’t be hearin'’ her say "no way" ♪

♪ no, you'’re never gonna get it ♪

♪ sweet lovin'’ ♪

♪ never ever gonna get it

♪ sweet lovin'’ ♪

♪ no, you'’re never gonna get it ♪

♪ my lovin'’ ♪

♪ never ever gonna get it

♪ ooh... bop

♪ no, you'’re never gonna get it ♪

♪ ow

♪ never ever gonna get it

♪ no, not this time

♪ no, you'’re never gonna get it ♪

♪ my love

♪ never ever gonna get it

♪ ah, ah, ah

♪ so maybe next time you'’ll give your woman a little respect ♪

♪ so you won'’t be hearin'’ her say "no way" ♪

♪ no, you'’re never gonna get it ♪

♪ sweet lovin'’ ♪

♪ never ever gonna get it

♪ sweet lovin'’ ♪

♪ no, you'’re never gonna get it ♪

♪ my lovin'’ ♪

♪ never ever gonna get it

♪ ooh... bop!

And now the moment all of america

including Puerto Rico and Guam has been waiting for.

Who will be the two national superstarfinalists?

For some, the dream will end here.

Morgan, you want to explain that little shimmy

you did at the end of our number?

Yeah, what was that?

It looked like Tina Turner having a seizure.

And, roxie, what was with you

standing in front of me during my close-up?

She had to.

We thought you were going to French-kiss the camera.

Here it is.

Our national superstar finalists are...

[ Drumroll]

Zeke Tyler!

Oh, please.

Pity vote.

It'’s all about his hair.

And our other finalist is...

[ Drumroll]

or should I say, are...

Gal palz!

[ Cheering and applause]

Ladies, congratulations.

We all know you'’re good friends

but did you ever dream you would make it this far as singers?

No, actually, I just want to say...

Not in a million years.

Not unless it was as a solo act.

Which might happen sooner than you think.

I always believed I would make it in music

if I could just find the right singers to back up my voice.

Hello? They might want to hear what the blonde has to say.

After all, I am the one who started this whole singing group.

Well, let the blonde say what she wants. She always does.

Yes, you always do.

Even though, based on our fan mail

people seem to be a bit more interested in the redhead

than they are in the blonde.

Hey! Hey! Hey!

Don'’t walk away from me.

You can'’t do this without me.

I picked the songs.

I arranged them.

And I drove.

Salem [ Over P.A.]: And to the right is the couch

where the gal palz kick back and watch the tube

as they sip their favorite libation:

Strawberry smoothies...

Available in the kitchen for $3.95.

What is all the racket?

I mean, can'’t someone get a little peace

and quiet around here

while they recharge their creative...?

Oh, for the love of crying out loud.

I'’m sorry. The help entrance is through the back door

and if you need to use the bathroom

there'’s a chevron around the corner.

Salem: And there'’s some of that sassy Sabrina spirit

we'’ve all come to love.

Salem, what are you doing?

Cashing in, your divaness.

These people aren'’t the help, they'’re paying customers

tourists, your fans.

The little people.

Oh, thank you all so much for coming.

I love all of you like family.

Now please exit through the kitchen

and try not to touch anything. Bye-bye.

I'’m glad I could make your day.

Oh, who am I kidding? Your life!

Oh, and where do you two think you'’re going?

If you think that i'’m spending one more minute in this house

after you scene-stealing tantrum last night, think again.

I am not the wind beneath your wings.

I'’m a star in my own right.

In your own mind.

This whole suburban, granny'’s-house thing

is so not roxie king.

It'’s frumpy, it'’s dated, it'’s drab.

But it works for you. Ciao.

Fine. You know what?

You two just saved me the trouble

of having to throw the two of you out.

Thanks for getting the door.

It'’s in your future. Get used to it.

I'’m off to my photo shoot at scorch.

[ Horn beeping]

Oh, look, there'’s my limo now.

What do you mean, your limo?

And what do you mean, your photo shoot?

Oh, it'’s the black limo.

You take it, roxie. It'’s more slimming.

Hmph!

I want a limo.

Hey, what'’s going on?

I had to pay $15 to get in here.

Salem: For an extra five

you can see the car and rub the cat'’s tummy.

Can it, Salem!

I have to talk to you.

I tried to catch you last night

but I couldn'’t keep up with your limo.

Oh, was that you banging on the trunk?

Look, Harvey, I have no time, okay?

I have to volumize my hair

and launch a solo career before lunch.

Like I eat lunch anymore.

Will you quit the diva act

for two seconds and listen?

Look, on the lozenge box, it says "exposure to limelight

may have adverse effects."

What? It'’s not like

i'’m going to be operating heavy machinery.

Don'’t you get it?

These areadverse effects.

All this fame is making you act

like some kind egotistical movie star.

Really? Which one?

'’cause I get Meg Ryan a lot.

I didn'’t want to have to do this

but you leave me no choice.

This is last night'’s show.

Don'’t walk away from me!

You can'’t do this without me!

I pick the songs! I arrange...

Oh, my gosh. I was so ugly.

You really did look like a witch.

I am out of control.

Did I really call roxie and Morgan "no talent hacks"?

If only you'’d been that nice.

Maybe I need

to check you into some kind of diva detox center.

No, no, no. Now that I know what'’s going on

I can handle it.

I just have to stay out of the limelight

and pull roxie and Morgan out of it, too

before it completely destroys our friendship.

Come on. I'’ll drive.

There can'’t always be a limo.

You'’re right. You'’re right.

But i'’m riding in the back and you'’re wearing the hat.

So how do you rate your competition in the finals?

Oh, please. Roxie has two left feet

and Sabrina you'’d think had three.

I meant the other finalists.

All right, roxie, I think we'’re about done.

Done? We haven'’t even started.

We'’ve only shot "coy roxie" and "pouty roxie."

My fans deserve to see "serious roxie"

and "sporty roxie."

I got a roxie i'’d like to show '’em: "Autopsy roxie."

Ah, finally, the last of our divas has arrived.

I'’m assuming you want your own hair and makeup people

and bottled water.

No, no, no. It'’s just me, Sabrina.

Lowly little Sabrina.

I just came to talk to my friends

and get out of here.

Morgan, come on. We'’re leaving.

First of all, I am not even talking to you.

And second of all

everything has to be booked through my manager.

And third of all, my manager isn'’t talking to you, either.

Morgan, listen to me.

We'’ve got to get out of the limelight.

It'’s destroying us and our friendship.

I mean, who cares about fame and fortune

our faces pasted on billboards?

Uh, let me see... I do.

Excuse me.

Can I take a couple

of pictures of you guys?

No, no, no. No pictures, no flashes, no fawning.

Not until I finish my makeup.

Oh, no, what'’s happening?

Must resist the limelight. Stop! And you have to, too, Morgan.

Right, i'’ve never resisted anything.

Click away, shutterbug.

Are you taking photos without me?

I know what'’s going on.

You'’re trying to force me out of the group.

No, no, no. I'’m trying

to force you guys out the door.

Okay, all this fame has gone to our heads

and we'’ve become awful, ugly people.

Speak for yourself, spellman.

My photos turned out great.

Guys, if you remember anything about our friendship

you'’ll remember that...

I'’m the one who started this group.

No, must protect my friends.

Friends are fleeting. Fans are forever.

No, no. Must stop.

Must be real person.

As soon as I finish this roll.

Love me. Love me. Love me.

Sorry, Sabrina, I finally found a parking...

Oh, no!

All right, we got to get you out of here.

Apparently, you'’re not as strong

as you thought you were.

[ Groans]

Neither am I.

What am I going to do?

I can'’t spend the rest of my life locked in this house.

For one thing, we'’re almost out of fudgesicles.

It'’s hard to believe that something billed

as cool and refreshing

could be so dark and destructive.

Well, you can throw those away.

They'’re the reason I got into this whole mess.

I want to give aunt Lorraine a piece of my...

Wait a minute! That'’s it!

I got to get to the source of my problem.

Aunt Lorraine, when your throat'’s a pain.

Listen, Lorraine

i'’ve had a real problem with your lozenges.

Whatever your problem is, there was a warning label.

Here'’s a warning:

If you Don'’t help me, i'’ll twist your bun off!

Hey, you'’re Sabrina from gal palz!

Listen, the guys in marketing say i'’m scaring off the kids.

How would you like to be our new spokesperson?

Me? Well, I have always wanted to do endorsements

and then, of course, directing.

Diva alert.

Thanks.

Look, raspy, just give me the antidote

that will make this all go away.

Sorry, kid. I just gave you a little talent.

The media and the public made you what you are today.

Bitter, hateful, self-centered.

We know what the problem is, Harvey.

And only they can tear you down.

What did she mean by "tear you down"?

Who knows?

She probably meant that society loves to build people up

and then tear them down.

That'’s it! We just need to be torn down.

Okay.

Gal palz needs a scandal.

Zeke Tyler. Zeke, well done.

And now let'’s welcome our last finalists...

Gal palz.

[ Applause]

Ladies, this is it.

This is your big...

Has someone come down with a sudden case of stage fright?

Nope. I'’d just rather stay over here, out of the limelight.

Out of the limelight?

This is what it'’s all about.

What is wrong with you?

Colin, I have to come clean.

I broke the rules of this contest.

I'’m a reporter for scorchmagazine.

[ Audience gasps]

I posed as a contestant to get a story

and I dragged my friends into it.

I'’m really sorry.

Well, i'’m sorry

because that means gal palz is disqualified.

[ Audience murmuring]

Which means the winner is Zeke Tyler.

Come on up here, Zeke.

How could you?

You'’ve ruined everything.

I didn'’t ruin everything.

I saved something... Our friendship.

Look, I had to destroy gal palz with a "z"

so that girlfriends with an "s" could survive.

Oh, my god. It'’s really over.

It'’s like we Don'’t matter anymore.

But you guys matter to me.

And believe me

there was a time when I completely forgot that.

You know, I got so wrapped up in my solo act

my acting career, my fragrance.

I'’m getting off track.

I'’m not saying it'’s bad to be a nobody.

It actually feels kind of good to be a normal person.

Oh, roxie, you'’ll never be normal.

So you guys are okay with this?

Just going back to being three regular girls

living in a granny'’s house in the suburbs

no limos, no adoring fans, no perks?

Except for the best one of all.

Morgan, you okay with this?

Yeah.

Is the "no limos" part negotiable?

Oh, susanne is definitely going to get the Rose.

No way. Chad is so over her.

He'’s giving the Rose to Cindy.

No, no, no. He'’s giving Cindy the boot.

It'’s going to be Jennifer.

Hey, you know what?

I heard this show is coming to Boston next week.

Maybe we should...

Turn off the TV.

Both: Sabrina!