Original subtitles

Oh, geez, Louise!

It is miserable out there!

Uh, yeah, but nothing takes the chill out of your bones

like a big, ol'’, out of control office Christmas party.

Welcome, merry revelers.

Okay, well, I guess

the hanukkah party was the one to be at.

But this could be fun, too.

Where is everyone?

Well, folks at this magazine'’s

aren'’t really into the officeparties.

Olive?

Hey, roxie, where are you going?

Sabrina, the donnerparty

was better than this

with better food.

Well, come on, we'’re here.

We can still have a good time.

I mean, there'’s gingerbread, there'’s Christmas music

and we still have 48 minutes on the meter.

Well, party hearty, ladies.

I'’m heading off with Cole and James to my time share condo

for a little Christmas carousing.

And, yes, we might get a little blitzened.

Let'’s face it; The holidays are a letdown

always have been.

Not for me.

Christmas as a kid was so much fun.

Skating on the pond...

Sipping mulled cider by the fire.

Watching dad passed out on the couch.

Too much eggnog?

No. Mom decked him.

Well, miss humbug

this year the only decking that'’s going to happen

is the halls.

You know...

♪ Fa-la-la-la, la-la-la-la ♪

Or, um...

[ To the tune of "jingle bells"]: ♪ arf-arf-arf...

Stop!

Boy, all this talk

of Christmas Carols and eggnog...

Dysfunctional parents...

It really makes me miss my family.

Well, you know

this Christmas we can be our own family.

Yeah, we'’ll go home and decorate the tree

and hang our stockings

and we should probably do the Thanksgiving dishes.

Well, it looks like my posse'’s bailed on me.

Say, do you buffalo gals want to come out tonight?

Uh, i'’m sorry; Are you inviting us to a saloon?

No, i'’ve got this condo for the holidays

and Cole and James just bailed on me.

I Don'’t suppose you ladies would be interested

in a little winter getaway?

Condo'’s got a hot tub.

That could be fun.

Excuse me, Sabrina.

The last thing that we want to do

is go freeze our butts off on some mountain.

Mountain?

No, no. The condo'’s in Miami.

Miami! florida?

America?

80 degrees and sunny.

♪ Going to Miami.

♪ Life'’s changing around me, and i'’m gonna make it mine ♪

♪ i'’m reaching out and living by my rules... ♪

♪ Time'’s moving way too fast ♪

♪ I wanna make it last...

♪ '’cause i'’m out on my own now ♪

♪ and I like the way it feels.

♪ We are in Miami.

Okay, ladies

I think you got the Miami song down.

Oh, Leonard, this place is incredible.

Yeah.

Awesome. Thank you so much for inviting us here.

It'’s so sweet of you.

There are locks on the bedroom doors, right?

[ Chuckles]: All right, you got the, uh

stereo, you got the TV, DVD, VCR.

Oh, and here'’s the video collection.

Remember people be kind, rewind.

Look, roxie, nothing puts you in a christmasy mood

like it'’s a wonderful life.

Right, but this is es una vida esplendida.

Oh, but it'’s still conjimmy Stewart.

Okay, '’cause this is a time share

there'’s a few house rules.

Log all your phone calls, Don'’t touch the thermostat

no fluids on the furniture

and keep out of the kitchen.

Other than that, let your hair down, enjoy yourself.

Whoa, there'’s no pets here.

Uh, well, you could have told me that

when you picked us up.

What did you think I had

in the airhold carrier?

Oh, I thought it was some feminine thing...

And you needed to vent it.

Sabrina, these resort condos always have kennels for pets.

Fine. I'’ll put him in a kennel.

Hey, Salem, Don'’t give me that look.

You'’re the one that talked me into bringing you.

Oh...

I read this book, the cat whisperer.

Well, I am going to change

and then go lounge by the pool.

Which outfit would make you flirt with me more?

The red one gets my blood going.

Green it is.

Great. This whole place

looks like Santa'’s village.

Roxie, it'’s Christmas time.

In Boston, in Florida, everywhere.

Well, except in parts of the middle east

where, ironically, it all started.

I'’ll just stay here and read.

No, come on. Come down to the pool and enjoy yourself.

All right, but just because it'’s too stuffy up here.

You'’re warm? Hey, no problemo.

Check out this state-of-the-art ceiling fan.

You got updraft, downdraft, cross breeze...

Oh, no.

♪ Joy to the world, the lord is come ♪

♪ let earth receive her king

you know, if I didn'’t know any better

i'’d say you were getting into the Christmas spirit.

Maybe.

Come on, you can'’t tell me

that baritone in the board shorts

isn'’t bringing some joy to your world.

Guys, there'’s going to be a beauty contest.

I may be the next "miss wet Christmas."

"Wet Christmas"?

I Don'’t know who should be more offended

women, or Irving Berlin.

Huh.

I thought once they tore down that wall

there was no more Irving Berlin.

You know, Morgan

I think i'’m finally getting roxie into the Christmas spirit.

Oh! Speaking of which

I forgot to get her a present.

Let'’s see what they have over here.

[ Gasps]

Wow, looks like Santa'’s been summering at the gym.

Hmm...

Let'’s go see if he'’s naughty or nice.

Hi, i'’m Morgan.

Hello, Morgan.

What do you want for Christmas?

Let'’s see.

A BMW five series would be nice

maybe some six-karat earrings.

[ Sneezes]

Ooh, gee, thanks.

I Don'’t remember asking for the flu.

I'’m sorry.

Is that real fur?

I think Santa'’s allergic to your clothes.

Oh... well, that'’s too bad.

I'’ll go change.

Aren'’t you next?

Uh, yeah, but you know, not that i'’m up here

I feel kind of silly.

Hey, hey, back off, sister!

Have you been a good girl?

Well, I gave some money to charity.

I volunteered at a shelter...

Oh, okay. Back in April I looked at the answers

before I did a crossword puzzle

and then I acted all smart.

Why Don'’t you take a break, sweetie?

Maybe some guys want to sit on Mrs. Claus'’ lap.

Sabrina, do you have any...?

Oh, my god.

Mom. mom?

Oh...

Sweetheart.

It'’s so good to see you.

Why didn'’t you tell me you were out of prison?

I'’m guessing hallmark doesn'’t make

a card for that occasion.

Uh, listen, I wanted to get back on my feet

before I saw you

so Zach and I took this job

playing Santa at all the resorts.

Oh, meet Zach, my boyfriend.

Nice to meet you.

I'’m crazy about your mom.

She, she stole my heart.

And then she pawned it, right? Whoa.

Uh, two santas in one family?

What are the odds?

Roxie

you have every right to feel the way you do about me

but i'’ve changed, I really have.

Right, and the check'’s in the mail

and the dog ate my homework

and apple-cinnamon candles make a great gift.

Roxie!

That didn'’t go the way I hoped.

Well, she'’s just kind of shocked to see you.

And at least now you know

not to get her an apple-cinnamon candle.

No, I can'’t blame her.

I was really a pretty lousymother.

Don'’t worry; I'’ll talk to her.

You know, by this time tomorrow

you guys will be swapping outfits.

Well...

Maybe not thatoutfit.

Be a good kitty and keep quiet.

We Don'’t cotton to any troublemakers around here.

Hi.

Oh...

Hey, look who dropped by unexpectedly.

It'’s candi, who paid her debt to society

and is now trying to win back the affection of her daughter

during this most forgiving of seasons.

Sabrina...

Well, hello, there. Welcome to my crib.

Oh, thank you.

It'’s very nice.

Well, make yourself comfortable.

But Don'’t touch anything.

I'’m losing the sun on the balcony.

I'’m going back down to the pool.

Oh, hi.

Are the rockettes playing here? No, no, no.

This is candi, roxie'’s mom.

Oh...

It'’s so nice to meet you.

Listen, i'’m a designer

and i'’d be glad to put together a new look for you.

You know, now that you'’re out of the "big house."

We'’ll stay away from stripes and jumpsuits.

[ Chuckles]: You must be Morgan.

And I must be going.

The sun waits for no man.

You know what

I think i'’m going to go down to the pool.

Oh, come on, roxie, stay and talk to your mom.

Sorry, it'’s just not the same

without two phones and a plexiglas window.

♪ We wish you a merry Christmas ♪

♪ we wish you a merry Christmas... ♪

Hey, how about that?

Room service delivers holiday cheer.

I get the feeling she'’s trying to avoid me.

Funny, I didn'’t know you hadfeelings.

♪ ...merry Christmas

♪ we wish you a merry... ♪

Come on, roxie, it'’s Christmas.

This is the perfect time to work things out.

Sabrina, why is this so important to you?

You want to know why?

Because your mom'’s family, and at least she'’s here.

Some of us Don'’t have that, roxie.

You know, I have great Christmas memories with my mom

but unfortunately

I can'’t be with her right now.

Don'’t you get it?

My mom'’s the reason i'’m trying to block out the holiday.

Wait, sweetheart, please, come here and sit down.

Come on.

[ Sighs]

Is this about the used gifts again?

It wasn'’t just the gifts.

Do you realize we never even had a real Christmas?

Other families went ice skating

or sipped mulled cider.

Ooh! We Don'’t have any mulled cider

but the last tenants left a bottle of grape juice

that'’s going bad.

Sweetheart...

What did you expect?

Your dad up and left me.

I was scrimping just to make ends meet.

Mom, look up "scrimping."

It doesn'’t involve high-speed chases.

Goodbye.

[ Sighs]

♪ ...and a happy new year

♪ good tidings...

You know, that song has 11 verses

so you might as well stay and work things out.

You know, it'’s never too late

to start to make goodchristmas memories.

Hey, Leonard, let'’s go down to the pool.

No, I still got to work on the fan.

Uh, the gift shop is selling Miami viceaction figures.

Hmm... I did break my "Crockett."

Okay.

All right.

Well, you know, you guys just give it a try.

Go back to the beginning and try to hash it out

but just Don'’t go back too far...

This is a time share.

Hey, what happened to the...?

♪ ...your kin

♪ good tidings for Christmas and a happy new year ♪

And now our costume competition continues

with contestant number eight, Morgan Cavanaugh.

[ Applause]

That'’s a cute get-up, babe

but what'’s the Christmas theme?

I'’m Vixen.

Hey.

[ Applause]

I'’m looking for a nice gift for my friend.

You know, something earthy, organic...

But definitely not apple cinnamon.

Hey, Sabrina.

Oh, hey, roxie, i'’m just looking for a gift

for myself, you know, because i'’m worth it, darn it.

[ Nervous laugh]

So, how did things go with your mom?

We talked things out.

Actually, we yelled things out...

But it ended really well

and for once when she hugged me good-bye

it wasn'’t to use me as a human shield.

Hey, a human shield is just a hug facing out.

Well, i'’ve got to hit the hay.

I need my beauty sleep for the finals tomorrow.

Yeah, I need a shower...

Rinse off some of this chlorine.

You guys go on up. I'’m going to pick out a present for my mom.

Hey, thanks for helping us patch things up.

I thought it was impossible

but you made it happen.

You know, that'’s what the Christmas spirit

is all about... it'’s about helping people

not presents.

But in case you'’re still looking, i'’m a size two.

You brokered a reunion between roxie and her mother?

I am impressed.

Yeah.

They should send you to work out

that whole midwest crisis.

It'’s useless, Morgan.

The dakotas will never get back together.

[ Grunting]

This poster has never been put to better use.

Don'’t worry, fellows.

I'’ll contact Bob barker.

He'’ll get you out of here.

Whew.

[ Evil laugh]

Time to mellow out.

I'’ll put on some Luther vandross, and...

Oh... my god.

Everything is gone.

What happened?

I think maybe roxie'’s mom stole Christmas?

Yeah, I must'’ve misjudged candi.

She seemed like she wanted to turn over a new leaf.

Instead, she turned over the whole condo.

Well, Don'’t just stand there, Leonard.

Start videotaping what was stolen.

You know, Sabrina, this is all your fault.

The time-share rules

are very clear.

No smoking, no pets, no felons!

We should call the police.

Wait, wait, wait, wait. Roxie'’s going

to be devastated.

Maybe I can get our stuff back

before roxie finds out.

I think she'’ll catch on

when she has to brush her teeth with her finger.

I got to go talk to candi.

Hey, guys, what'’s new?

Not a thing. Uh...

But i'’ll tell you what'’s getting old.

The food at the midnight buffet. Got to go.

But it'’s only, like, 11:00.

Well, then we can be there when the countdown starts

for the giant cheese ball to drop.

Sabrina, the food hasn'’t even been put out yet.

Or... someone got their money'’s worth

out of the all-you-can-eat buffet.

Oh, okay, you go distract roxie.

Okay.

How?

Haven'’t you ever distracted anyone before?

Yeah, but I Don'’t think she'’s going to fall for

the "oops, my strap broke" trick.

Well, it'’s worth a shot.

Now, Leonard.

All I want to know is

where were you between the hours of...?

Well, I Don'’t know, because you stole my watch, too.

This is ridiculous.

Your boyfriend here is accusing me of ripping-off your condo.

Uh, well, we'’ll get back to the disturbing boyfriend comment

in a minute

but our condo was robbed.

You'’re calling me a thief?!

How about, um, "merchandise relocation engineer"?

Oh, come on.

When you were up there earlier

I saw you eyeing my humidifier.

[ Whining]: It was a graduation present and I want it back.

Hey, what'’s going on?

Oh, nothing.

I'’m just having a nightcap and being falsely accused.

Your friends think that

your mom ripped-off your condo.

Wait, wait, wait, wait, wait.

Now you'’re putting words in my mouth...

By coincidence, they'’re the very words I was going to use.

Roxie, I swear, I didn'’t steal anything.

I Don'’t do that anymore!

Well, mom, it'’s just like old times.

Thanks for disappointing me again.

I hope you'’re satisfied.

Yeah, nice going.

What is this, "walk away from Sabrina night"?

I'’m just curious.

Why would that boyfriend comment be disturbing?

[ Sighs]

Not the right time. Gotcha.

You know, Leonard, maybe I was wrong.

I mean, I was just trying to help

but now roxie hates candi, candi hates me.

Yep, i'’ve managed to destroy Christmas

for just about everybody!

♪ Oh, bring us a figgy pudding

♪ oh, bring us...

For crying out loud, learn another song!

[ Chuckling mischievously]

Salem, what are you doing here?

I busted out of that kennel.

They treated us like animals.

Sorry I had to put you in there.

You know, if it'’s any consolation

things aren'’t so good on the outside either.

We were robbed.

Robbed? Who did it?

I Don'’t know, but it would be really cool

if it was roxie'’s mom since I already accused her.

I'’ll help you solve the crime if you let me stay here.

Fine.

But you have to hide when Leonard'’s around.

Cat dander gives him a full body rash.

Deal!

So, detective spellman, maybe we should use

what psychic investigators call "retrocognition."

Or we use what witches call

"going back in time to see who did it."

Okay, let'’s see what was going on here a few hours ago.

Ooh. It'’s a good thing I learned how to drive a stick.

[ Bell dings]

[ Whimpering]

I think you went back a little too far.

Relax, Salem, they'’re herbivores.

When then throw them someone named herb

and let'’s get out of here!

[ Bell dings]

Okay, now we'’re closer.

Uh, should I hide?

Okay.

Let'’s get out of here before he pulls a full Leonard.

[ Bell dings]

Is he gone?

All clear.

And we'’re here.

I think we have our culprit.

It'’s Oscar De la hoya!

[ Sabrina gasps]

It'’s Zach!

[ Singsong]: And he'’s taking Leonard'’s TV...

He'’s stealing the VCR and the DVD...

The stereo with the mp3...

Why that rotten ol'’ Zach even stole the tp.

Keep that up and you'’re going to be

the cat in the hat went splat.

Cheer up.

You got your criminal.

Mystery solved.

It'’s not that simple.

I can'’t exactly tell roxie how I know Zach did it.

I have to show her proof.

Yeah. Good luck.

Tell me what you think of this plan... I just came up with it.

Well, actually, I saw it on an old episode of Columbo.

As soon as the judges tally up their results

we'’ll have our new miss wet Christmas.

[ Applause]

How did I do?

You know

I have to hand it to you, Morgan.

I never thought gargling was a talent

but you really pulled it off.

It'’s a gift.

Hey, i'’ll tell you what.

Why Don'’t I videotape you

when they announce the winner.

Oh, darn!

I left the video camera upstairs!

Sabrina, we have one thing that isn'’t stolen

and you leave it in the room?

I'’ll tell you what, Morgan.

You know what? If you win

i'’ll go get the video camera and we'’ll reenact your victory.

Okay.

But I get final approval on who plays me.

Hey, candi, where'’s Zach?

Why, you got something you want to blame him for?

Just come with me. Roxie, you too.

What'’s going on? You'’ll see.

Hey, Leonard, you want to help me nab the perp?

I'’ll come with you, but i'’m not going to be

part of your whole crime fighting SWAT team shtick.

Freeze, scuzzball!

So, what'’s the big revelation?

I... I Don'’t get it.

I thought for sure he'’d come up here

to steal the video camera.

Who, Zach?

Zach?

Are you kidding me?

Zach is one of the most decent men i'’ve ever met.

[ Man sneezing]

[ Sniffling]

Oh, stupid cat.

Ah, here'’s your proof.

I Don'’t believe this.

This is an invasion.

I feel totally violated.

How could you bring that cat back in here?

Uh, Leonard, bigger issues.

You... actually let them think

that idid it?

You can'’t treat my mom like this.

She'’s way too good for you.

Oh, come on, she'’s just bitter that I beat her to it.

Wrong, loser.

She'’s through with that life.

Yeah. And i'’m through with you.

Look at this.

The two of you side by side

intimidating some creep who stole all our stuff.

This is what Christmas is all about.

All right, all right.

I'’ll give you back your stuff.

♪ We won'’t go until we get some ♪

♪ we won'’t go... ♪

I'’m guessing they won'’t go until they get some.

So, uh, anybody got some?

You know, nothing says Christmas Eve

like warming my toes in front of a picture of a fire.

I propose a toast.

To Sabrina, who restored my good name.

To Sabrina. To Sabrina.

And to a condo filled with attractive babes.

I'’m not helping myself, am I?

Oh, and to our new miss wet Christmas.

Sorry we didn'’t videotape you being crowned.

Oh, that'’s okay. I wasn'’t actually crowned.

Is this more like the kind of Christmas

you were thinking about, sweetheart?

Yeah, kind of.

But being in Florida

it doesn'’t really feel like Christmas.

Hey, look, it'’s snowing.

What? snowing? No way.

Snowing? Are you kidding?

Oh, my gosh!

Oh, it is snowing.

Hey, roxie, you know how you'’ve always wanted

to go ice skating with your mom?

Look, the pool'’s frozen.

♪ ...merry Christmas

♪ we wish you a merry Christmas ♪

♪ and a happy new year [ Yelling, laughing]

♪ Good tidings we bring to you and your...♪[ Yelling happily]

Now that is the very picture of Christmas.

Watching them makes me want to do something christmassy.

You know, we haven'’t tried the hot tub yet.

Tell you what, Leonard.

When that freezes over, count me in.

You know, roxie, I still feel bad.

I never had time to buy you a present.

You gave me the best present ever.

The chance to go ice skating with my mom.

Oh, actually

that was from both of us.

Oh, guys, I almost forgot.

Leonard sent us a card.

I get dibs on any cash.

Oh. It'’s a bill.

"Crumbs on the carpet, $12.

"Failure to rewind yule log, $9.

Rubbing lotion on Morgan... Priceless."

♪ And a happy new year.