Original subtitles

You know what we need?

An all-purpose cleaner

that doesn'’t burn a hole in the ozone.

Oh, they should just sew that thing up already.

Okay, but it'’ll take a lot longer to get tan.

Look, with our hectic schedules, we really need a maid.

Morgan, we are three

healthy, strong, young women.

We are perfectly capable of cleaning up after ourselves.

Oh, really?

Then why did you go out and buy that dress?

I... well... I... I ran out of clean clothes.

All right, we need a maid.

You know, i'’ll chip in for one

but all I can focus on right now is my Joey sky interview.

Who is this Joey sky?

He'’s this great singer

that I discovered at the lush room.

I'’m heading down there now. You want to come?

Ah, no thanks.

Me, neither.

I thought you worked at a hip magazine.

Why are you interviewing some old crooner?

Joey sky is 23 and gorgeous.

I'’ll take a quick shower, then i'’ll be right down.

Um, I did shave my legs.

It'’s a shame to let them go to waste.

Oh...!

Pizza does not look good wet.

[ Coughs]

Amanda, is that you?

Yeah. I'’ve been so bored

I thought i'’d come by

and hang out with someone cool.

Yeah, well, i'’m kind of busy right now.

Actually, uh, I was talking about Salem.

Hey, little buddy.[ Coughs]

This place is smokier than the bathroom in an all-girls school.

Yeah, what'’s with the flashy entrance?

I mean, you may think coming in here in smoke looks cool

but it'’s a disgusting habit.

Yeah, well remind me to start listening again

when the psa is over.

You'’re right, i'’m not your mother.

I shouldn'’t tell you what to do.

Oh, put your hair back.

Why hide such a beautiful face?

Morgan: Sabrina, are you okay?

We smell smoke.

Uh, I burned some toast!

All right, I got to go to work.

Help yourself to some leftovers.

And, uh, the soup of the day is cream of pizza.

♪ Life'’s changing around me, and i'’m gonna make it mine ♪

♪ i'’m reaching out and living by my rules... ♪

♪ Time'’s moving way too fast ♪

♪ I wanna make it last...

♪ '’cause i'’m out on my own now ♪

♪ and I like the way it feels.

I can'’t believe you didn'’t tell us

avril lavigne was going to be here.

I didn'’t know. I guess she stopped by to hear Joey'’s set.

Hey.

Hi. Hi.

Hi, So am I going to have to guess

which one of you is Sabrina?

I am. I am.

I'’m Sabrina.

And these are my friends: Single and desperate.

Have a seat.

Actually, this is roxie and Morgan.

Nice to meet you.

So, uh, what do you want to know?

[ Gasps]

That was avril.

She'’s headed for the bathroom.

I'’m going to ask her to sign my napkin.

Oh, roxie, please go with her

and keep her from crawling under the stall.

You'’re right. We Don'’t need another repeat

of the aretha Franklin incident.

So, uh, what do you want to talk about?

Okay, uh, well, when did you first start performing?

First time... uh, let'’s see

I sang "twinkle, twinkle little star"

at my godmother'’s birthday... I was three.

Oh, that'’s so cute.

And a much better choice than "itsy-bitsy spider."

I mean, between the bugs and the rain

no wonder kids stay inside and get fat.

So, what'’s your favorite kind of music to sing?

I'’d have to say ballads...

Songs that express that one emotion

that'’s just more powerful than anything.

Anger.

Love.

Love?

Yeah... I guess it'’s been a while and i'’m angry about it.

So, where will you be singing next?

Here.

No, I mean after tonight.

Here.

But what about any upcoming gigs?

Joey, you'’re next.

Uh, Sabrina, this is Mickey brentwood

the owner of the club.

Oh, very nice to meet you.

Joey tells me you'’re a reporter.

Yes, I am.

I Don'’t like people who ask a lot of questions

like that Alex trabeka.

Uh, it'’s Alex trebek, and technically, he asks answers.

I Don'’t like people who correct me, either.

This conversation is over.

Joey, let'’s go.

Break a leg.

Annie, you remember Joey sky

the new singer i'’ve been wanting to write about?

Well, since you told me yesterday...

And i'’m not an idiot... yes.

Well, last night when I asked him about singing at other clubs

he got really weird.

And then the owner of the club had a stare-down with me.

I'’m a blinker, so I lost.

The point?

Well, I think there might be something going on there.

I mean, he'’s a great singer and he sells the club out

but I think it'’s weird

that he doesn'’t sing anywhere else.

All right, check it out.

But be careful... nightclub owners can get pretty rough

so you might want to take someone with you.

Annie, are you saying you and I should hang out together?

Not if we were conjoined at the sternum.

So you'’re busy; Maybe some other time.

Sabrina, I couldn'’t help but hear...

'’cause I was eavesdropping.

But just so you know, I am an eagle scout

and I am more than willing to be your bodyguard.

Well, Leonard... Here, check out these guys.

Come on, touch them.

Oh, I would, but I think

there'’s a seven-day waiting period.

Thanks for the offer.

Fine... But just so you know

I spent three months

as part of a very tough street gang.

Really? yeah.

I was an understudy for riff in West Side story.

[ Snaps fingers]

Pow!

Let'’s talk about the laundry.

We use the bio- degradable detergent.

It doesn'’t get rid of stains

but I feel better about it.

Good morning, roxie.

Oh, who'’s this?

This is our new cleaning lady: Tatiana.

She'’s Ukrainian.

Tatiana, what a pretty name

for someone so... squat.

How do you do?

Dust then laundry.

Oh, how cute.

I hired someone, too.

I found her name on a flyer.

[ Doorbell rings]

In fact, that'’s probably her right now.

But, Don'’t you worry

I will tell Kim that the job is already taken.

[ Doorbell rings]

Mi mess es su mess.

Hi, i'’m Kim

of Kim'’s cleaning.

Tatiana, you'’re fired.

In the future

please Don'’t call me at the club.

Why not? Because.

Because why? Because.

Okay, can we throw in some verbs and nouns?

Um, tell me about your relationship with Mickey brentwood.

It'’s fine. What else do you want to know?

What would happen if you sang somewhere

other than the lush room? Next question.

Are you being forced to sing there exclusively?

Can you pass the salt, please?

Pass the... Ooh, is that code?

Yeah, it'’s code for "I need salt on my fries."

Okay, how about this?

If you'’re being forced to sing at the lush room

nod your head.

Is that nodding or eating?

Oh, my gosh, are you being forced to eat, too?

Okay, how about we try something else.

If you were ketchup and you wanted to leave mustard

to go across town to salt and pepper...

Not the little sassy hip-hop duo

these little guys... What would happen?

Ooh.

Now you get it?

Yeah, I feel so bad for you.

I mean, not to mention the bus boy.

I can'’t believe you'’re being threatened.

That'’s so unfair.

You should be free to sing wherever you want.

Joey, you have to let me write this up.

Okay... okay.

But you have to promise me

you didn'’t hear any of this from me.

My lips are sealed.

First, i'’m going to finish these fries

but then my lips are so sealed.

Thank you.

If you print that story

you'’ll never work again.

You know what i'’m saying blonde person?

Yeah, you'’re saying you had onions for lunch.

Why is it so hot in here?

Morgan, you have it set on 95.

I really didn'’t notice.

Ah, Kim, Kim...

Don'’t forget to dust the top of the drapes.

No problem.

Roxie: I can'’t believe you.

What?

I am watching a professional at work.

And believe me

your little Soviet shot-putter

couldn'’t have reached up there.

All i'’m saying is... whoa, he got the gunk out of the remote.

We can watch TV in English again.

So it turns out Mickey brentwood is forcing Joey

to only sing at the lush room.

And Mickey'’s the guy who threatened you?

Are you sure

you want to go ahead with this story?

Absolutely... It'’s an incredible scoop.

Oh, I Don'’t like this.

You'’ve been threatened by a nightclub owner.

Don'’t you watch hbo?

What are you saying?

I'’m going to be sleeping with the fishes?

Wearing a cement overcoat?

Have a Boulder dropped on me

from an overpass?

Oh, wait, that'’s from the roadrunner.

Okay, fine, but if wile e. Coyote tries to flatten you

with an acme anvil, Don'’t come running to me.

Hey, want to join me for an emergency trip to Paris

for silver-hooped earrings?

No, thanks, it already feels

like a French bistro in here.

Besides, i'’m working on an article.

Snooze.

Salem: Actually not, for a change.

You see, this thug nightclub owner

threatened our little

"Lois lame" over here.

No...!

I hate it when you cut me off.

It'’s a bad time, you go ahead.

It'’s always a bad time for you.

Au revoir.

Please Don'’t use the...

[ Coughs]

smoke.

Oh, can'’t she come with a warning label? Gross.

Speaking of gross, headless cat at 4:00.

[ Moans]

Sorry, but I Don'’t want Amanda knowing anything about

this situation with Mickey brentwood.

Ah, so you are worried.

I have nothing to worry about.

If you Don'’t believe me

we'’ll take a little trip to the future and i'’ll prove it.

Cool! Road trip!

Where are we?

I Don'’t know.

But apparently in the future

you have a bad den.

Uh-oh, I think someone we know dies.

[ Gasps]

Whoa!

When he said, "you'’ll never work again"

he meant not even part-time.

Let me get this straight.

You were all excited

about doing the article this morning

now you Don'’t want to write it.

Well, it'’s not that I Don'’t want to write it

it'’s just that, uh, this is kind

of a left-brain-type article, and I just happened

to sleep on my left side last night

so that side of the brain is really numb.

So now the right side is feeling bitter and neglected...

Oh, can'’t you just call in sick like normal people?

Well, that would be a left-brain function, so...

Oh, stop, stop.

I'’ll assign it to someone.

Great.

No, not great. Very bad.

I can'’t put this off on somebody else. I'’ll write the article.

Fine.

But you and all your little voices

better get to work.

This issue'’s going to press tomorrow

so you are on hard deadline, missy.

I'’ll line up a photo shoot.

Two words I do not need to hear: Dead and shoot.

I'’m not too crazy about "missy," either.

Hey, Leonard, I think i'’ll take you up on that bodyguard offer.

Oh, terrific.

You can call me anytime you want.

I really appreciate it.

You know, just not mornings

between 8:00 and 9:15. I hit the gym.

And midday is bad, I usually have a lunch.

And not nights after 10:00.

Why not?

I'’m bathing Nana.

Please tell me Nana'’s your dog.

It'’s 6:30. What'’s he still doing here?

The sink needed plunging.

I guess there'’s a clog in the drain.

This was stuck in there.

Huh, I was wrong.

It wasn'’t a clog. It was a pump.

Listen, Morgan, before I go

you know how you were staring at me all day?

Oh, no, here we go.

Sexual harassment works both ways, you know.

I was wondering, would you be

interested in going out with me?

I have to work tomorrow, but maybe we could do lunch.

Sounds fantastic.

Great.

Sexual harassment... like a fox!

[ Mocking laugh]

Are you crazy?

You found out you'’re going to get bumped off

and you'’re still writing this article?

Look, i'’ll worry about my article

you worry about coyotes.

[ Coughing]

Will you stop with the smoke?!

Don'’t you have an alchemy final tomorrow?

Whoa. Who died and made you my boss?

Funny you should mention "dying."

Salem. what?

Okay, something weird'’s going on.

I think you should tell her.

You know, so someone can call the police besides the cat.

All right.

It'’s possible that there'’s some connection

between writing this story and my untimely youthful death.

Ooh, I love those earrings.

Are they from Paris?

Wait a minute. You'’re going to die?

Hey, Sabrina

if you bite the dust, can I have your red silk robe?

It makes me feel like a pretty kitty.

You can'’t write that article, Sabrina!

Oh, i'’ll be fine.

It'’s nothing to worry about.

But you'’ll be dead and buried... A corpse; Worm food.

Okay, when you put it like that

it is a bit of a downer.

Look, if you'’re hell-bent

on writing this piece at least protect yourself;

change the names.

No, I can'’t do that.

I'’m going to tell the truth

because i'’m a journalist

and a real journalist uses real names.

You changed the names.

I had to to protect my sources.

So our sources will be safe, but our readers will be bored.

Oh, well, we Don'’t want to distract

from the ads, do we?

Well, i'’ll print it

but only because I got to fill the space.

But I am not happy.

You Don'’t understand.

I had to change the names...

I think.

By using pseudonyms instead, will I end up alive or dead?

Well, at least my coffin is microwave-safe.

So he plans on killing me anyway?

Well, he doesn'’t know who he'’s dealing with.

Annie!

Print the article with the real names.

Are you sure?

Yes, do it before I change my mind.

Don'’t do it! Yes, do it. Go!

Start the presses!

Flower delivery, my lady.

Looks like you have a secret admirer, besides me.

Oops. Now it'’s not a secret.

Uh, black roses?

"I hope you like this arrangement.

Don'’t forget ours. Mickey."

Are you in some kind of trouble?

Leonard, I never thought i'’d say this

but, um, do you want to come home with me tonight?

Tonight?

[ Clears throat]

Uh... oh, I can'’t.

It'’s spinning class.

I'’ll be too... dizzy.

Okay, well, any other secret admirers

want to come home with me tonight?

Any professional wrestlers?

Thai kickboxers?

Anyone with superhero pajamas?

And so, due to this immoral contract

the only place that uber-talented Joey sky

will see his star rise is over the lush room.

I hope you know what you'’re doing.

I do, except for that uber thing.

Wow, speaking of uber thing, who is that?

That'’s our new maid.

Morgan'’s dating the help?

Oh, now it makes sense.

Well, thanks for lunch. See you around.

Oh, all right.

Oh, wait.

You have some dirt under your right nail. Hold on.

Uh, thanks again. Bye-bye.

Oh, you have some schmutz on your face.

I'’ll get it.

You know, while i'’m here

I would love to work on these pores.

Oh, that is it! Get out!

Can'’t we make a plan for next time?

No, we can'’t!

You are too obsessed with your work!

You'’re the only guy who has ever asked me

to take off my clothes so he could iron them!

Good-bye!

Roxie, get me the name of that squat uranium lady.

Oh, I was so worried about you, Sabrina.

I Don'’t want you to die.

Don'’t worry. Nobody'’s dying.

Some of us are choking.

But i'’m really worried about you.

Look, I can keep Mickey brentwood from knocking me off.

I'’ll just lay low and stay out of dangerous situations.

I'’ll be fine, really.

You want to sleep over?

[ Popping]

[ Screams]

That'’s it! I'’m getting dressed and going down there.

I'’m not going to let that thug intimidate me.

What'’s going on?

Amanda, it'’s time to face my fears.

I'’m going to the lush room for a sit-down with the enemy.

Huh, not without me!

Hang on. I'’ll get dressed.

Well, make it fast

'’cause I wanna get right down there

and tell that ignorant swaggering goon

that he better back off!

Or i'’ll tell Mickey brentwood that he'’s absolutely charming.

Ms. Spellman, you'’ve done me

a great dishonor by printing this.

[ Gasps]

Look, i'’m really sorry, but I had to.

Joey sky'’s a very talented singer.

I mean, the lush room is lovely

and the cider'’s to die for, so to speak.

But holding him back is so wrong.

You'’re trying to ruin me, aren'’t you?!

You'’re going to ruin me!

I'’m not trying to ruin anybody.

I just think Joey should be free to live his own life.

It'’s very tough out there.

They'’ll eat him alive.

Oh, like you care about that.

He'’s your cannoli ticket, you big meatball!

Meatball?!

Sorry, i'’m hungry.

I'’m just trying to protect him, that'’s all.

Oh, what are you his mother?

I mean, his father?

Oh, my gosh, you arehis father.

Why doesn'’t he tell people you'’re related?

'’cause I talk funny or something.

Maybe he'’s embarrassed.

Oh, Don'’t cry

or i'’ll be embarrassed of you, too.

Here.

Oh, thank you very much.

What'’s the worst that can happen if he sings at other clubs?

He'’ll desert me.

You know, he'’ll... he'’ll go to fancy shmancy auditoriums

he'’ll get a record deal

he'’ll go on that mtv plugged up.

Those are good things.

Okay, okay.

I'’m afraid he'’ll forget about his papa.

Mickey, you can'’t let your fears run your life.

I mean, sure, Joey will probably go out on his own

but he'’ll come back and visit for weekends

and national holidays.

You think?

I hope so.

This was good, I feel much better.

Thank you very much.

And, uh... now what can I do for you?

Uh, please Don'’t kill me?

What is that?

You think I would hurt someone so beautiful?

I would hope not.

Thanks for the tissues.

Hey, some day you'’re going to get married

and i'’m going to give you a very good rate

on my big room, okay?

I'’m a softy.

Hey, open the car door. I'’m coming out.

Why are you just standing around?

Nice guy. Taught me a lot.

Okay, let'’s go down to that club

and witch slap this guy.

Oh, we Don'’t have to go. He was just here.

What? What happened? Are you okay?

I'’m fine. It'’s all taken care of.

He won'’t be bothering me anymore.

I'’m so relieved.

You know, we should make it a point

to hang out more often

and not just when one of our lives is at stake.

Yeah, i'’d like that.

Far be it for me

to break up this lovefest

but you still Don'’t know how you die.

I Don'’t die anymore.

I changed my destiny.

Mickey likes me now.

I'’m getting married in the big room.

Yeah, but what if Salem'’s right?

Look, relax guys.

I'’ll ping us into the future and show you.

Morgan: All this time

and I didn'’t even know she was a smoker.

She wasn'’t.

Didn'’t you hear what the doctor said?

No.

Although I did notice

he wasn'’t wearing a wedding ring.

Morgan, she died of secondhand smoke.

But we Don'’t smoke.

It must'’ve been someone from work.

Or from somewhere else.

I'’m so sorry.

No more smoke, I promise.

Good.

I hate to see you like this.

Hey, Don'’t forget.

You know, i'’m half mortal, but i'’m also half witch

so it could be centuries before I actually die.

But when I do, promise

not to Bury me with my bra strap showing.

It'’s very hot in here.

You mind if I take shirt off?

No.

It'’s just not the same, is it?

No.nope.