Original subtitles

Think we got some great shots here.

You look pretty cute in this one.

Oh... no. Cute is exactly what i'’m not going for.

This is for my byline picture.

This photo has to make me look super hip.

Digital cameras are high tech

but they'’re not magic.

Magic... you mean, like this.

Hey!

I'’m just trying to help.

Maybe there'’s something you could do to look more...

You know, writerly.

Like what? Smoke a pipe and grow a beard?

I am telling you

he couldn'’t keep his eyes off of me.

Fine. Whatever.

Sabrina: Oh. Well, good morning.

Look who'’s finally home from the concert last night.

So, who are you fighting about?

The guy selling glow sticks

or the guy saying, "please exit to the right."

The drummer... clive rexford.

He looked directly at me

and said, "I want you.

I need you."

Those are the words to the song.

And so, what does Mr. Morgan Cavanaugh look like?

Yeah, is he hot?

What?

I was just trying to fit in.

He'’s gorgeous.

I think.

We were in the really cheap seats

so he looked like an ant, only with long hair

and this gothic makeup.

Huh. Sort of like, honey, I shrunk Marilyn manson?

You know what?

I am going to go and send him an e-mail.

Just watch.

In five minutes, she'’ll ask

for an English to British dictionary.

Come on. We got to pick a photo.

Ooh. Too dorky.

Ah, how about this one?

Too bjorky.

This?

Ooh. Too Mickey rourkey.

Forget it.

I'’ll just use the picture that traffic light took of me.

♪ Life'’s changing around me, and i'’m gonna make it mine ♪

♪ i'’m reaching out and living by my rules... ♪

♪ Time'’s moving way too fast ♪

♪ I wanna make it last...

♪ '’cause i'’m out on my own now ♪

♪ and I like the way it feels.

Morning, guys.

What'’s the chat?

Uh, just the usual guy talk.

Yeah, right now, we'’re just talking

about what we'’re looking for in a serious relationship.

Really?

Really. I'’m looking for a woman with depth.

A woman of substance.

I'’m looking for a woman who just wants to cuddle.

And i'’m looking for an explanation

for this bizarre behavior.

Hey, what'’s with them?

Oh, I, uh, set up webcams around the office.

I'’m going to edit the footage down

and put a "behind the scenes at scorch" feature on the website.

My idea.

I see. Let the folks at home in on

all the exciting typing and photocopying

that goes on around here?

I got lots of killer stuff already.

I got 20 minutes of Cole flexing.

Not that i'’m in to that.

Hey, lick your lips a little bit.

You'’ll look better on camera.

There'’s a camera on my desk, too?

Yours, mine, everybody'’s.

And... and I would get that mole

on your neck looked at.

That'’s a beauty Mark.

I can'’t work like this.

Annie, i'’m lodging an official complaint.

It'’s about these webcams that Leonard put on everyone'’s desk.

I Don'’t want the whole world watching my every move.

Ah, Don'’t worry. Leonard promised

to cut out all the boring stuff.

I think you'’re safe.

Well, how am I supposed to do my best work

if i'’m worried about how I look?

Well, if you'’re not satisfied with your appearance, change it.

Okay, well, if you'’re not going to do something, then i'’m going to protest.

Scorchmagazine has no right to broadcast my image

without my consent, and this woman...

is violating my privacy.

You'’re shouting into my lip gloss.

Oh. "Very Berry."

It'’s nice.

Hello.

Anyway, you would not believe how everyone around the office

has been playing to these webcams.

I, for one, am not going to change myself

for a bunch of stupid little cameras.

Now, i'’m a writer

not a model.

Excuse me.

Oh, my fault.

The waiter outfit fooled me.

Our society has such unreasonable standards

for female beauty.

You'’re just saying that because you'’re short.

I am petite

and I happen to be very comfortable with it.

Excuse me. I have to go to the restroom.

Hey, excuse me. Hi.

Uh, would it help if I were drowning?

[ Phone rings]

Oh, I got a text message.

It'’s from clive, that cute drummer.

He'’s asking me out!

Someone you'’ve never met before just e-mailed you for a date?

I know. I Don'’t like this whole high-tech dating thing either.

I mean, call me old fashioned

but what happened to romance?

What happened to courtship?

What happened to pitching woo?

Ooh, I think he was traded to the Yankees.

Hey, Sabrina.

Morgan.

Hey.hi.

Uh, this is Tina.

Word of warning

the service here is really slow.

I'’m sorry, miss.

Would you like a table? A menu?

Just a cup of coffee to go.

Uh, can I get a glass of water?

I'’ll grind the beans myself.

Or anything

heavy to throw at you!

Is, uh, Tina your girlfriend?

Uh, no. We'’re just hanging out.

Oh, yeah? Well, you said you were looking

for a woman of substance.

I guess that substance is saline.

Do you have a problem with my date?

Oh, no, no, no.

I'’m sure you find her very easy on the eyes

and even easier on the brain.

Meow!

Where'’s that waiter with your saucer of milk?

I'’m all set.

Nice to meet you.

Usually.

Can you believe that guy?

That was a guy?

Wow. Very convincing.

Here to say.

I asked that drummer, clive, to be on my radio show

and he just called back and asked me out.

I'’m really sorry, Morgan.

Looks like destiny has spoken.

Well, guess what?

Clive asked me out, too.

Looks like destiny has call waiting.

What?

Yeah. And he called me first.

Well, you know what...

Whoa, whoa, whoa, whoa, whoa.

Jan, marcia, time out.

Why Don'’t you guys both go out with the cute boy

and see who he likes better?

Well... okay.

But i'’m marcia.

Hey... hey! You know what?

I have been trying to get your attention for 20 minutes.

I'’m sorry. Uh, here.

Pay the cashier.

Well, just for that, I am not...

Going to have a nice day.

A story...

A story about what'’s hot.

I wonder why the number "one" never caught on.

You call yourself a fashion writer?

Peasant blouses are out!

The only people wearing peasant blouses

are actual peasants!

Ooh. Stella McCartney, eat your heart out.

Wait. I'’m a writer, not a model.

Hey, Sabrina. You got to come see this.

I got some great footage at lunch

of James tweezing his eyebrows.

Wow, and this is a freewebsite?

Huh. To think, I almost didn'’t put a camera

by that water cooler.

Water cooler?

They caught me doing magic.

Do you realize what this means?

I Don'’t know.

Six more weeks of winter?

I have to get rid of the evidence.

Oh! This stupid spell book

hasn'’t caught up with technology.

The best it can do is, "exorcise a demon-infested atari."

So? Fix it the old-fashioned way.

Have saber-wielding assassins storm the office

and hack up the computers.

Oh! That'’s it. I'’ll just hack in

to Leonard'’s computer and edit it out. Thanks, Salem!

Hee-hee-hee.

You know, just for that

from now on, i'’m going to check underneath my car

before I back out of the driveway.

[ Doorbell rings]

[ Both talking at once]

I mean...

Who'’s at the doorbell?

[ Sighs]

Hi.

I'’m clive rexford.

Did... something happen to clive junior?

No, no.

He and the little munchkins are doing just great.

I'’ve got photos.

Wait. You'’re the drummer from spinster embryo?

Clive rexford?

That'’s what it says on me meds.

Well, you look different up close without your makeup

and apparently, your wig.

So, girls, shall we go grab a bite?

You go ahead.

I Don'’t know.

I have a lot of hair to wash.

I made dinner reservations for three. Don'’t bail on me.

Uh... uh, all right.Okay.

Brilliant. Now, we'’ve got to scurry

because this coupon'’s only good till 7:00.

Okay, let'’s see.

If I were Leonard'’s computer, what would my password be?

Enterprise?

[ Beeps]

Umm...

Lovemeister?

[ Beeps]

Sabrina?

[ Beeps]

Whoo. Ah, I guess i'’m just going to have

to go in and get it out manually.

[ Zapping]

Oh! Ow.

So much for that beauty Mark.

I understand the foot thing, it'’s the hoof that worries me.

Oh! Here it is. Webcam.

Ah. Water cooler.

Male voice: Zoinks!

Shaggy?

Um, like, at your service

and Scooby-doo.

Scooby-dooby-doo!

What are you guys doing here?

Screen saver.

Hey, can you do me a favor?

Can'’t youget us off this computer?

Even scoob'’s embarrassed to be on this dude'’s PC.

Sorry. I Don'’t do windows.

[ Hard drive spins down]

What'’s happening?

We'’re, like, shut down for the night.

But I Don'’t belong here.

I got to get out!

No!

[ Thud]

Well, what do you know?

Hey, James. Check this out.

♪ Somebody'’s got a crush on me. ♪

Yeah, but why would that big, hairy dude from shipping

send you a picture of Sabrina?

I got to say, that Sabrina'’s pretty cute.

Really.

Well, let'’s see if you think she'’s cute

if she looked like

old Zeke, the prospector.

No. I like Sabrina just the way she is.

Though, it never hurts to have a couple of shoshannas.

Ha-ha!

Well, dang, if you'’re going to enhance the chest

you might as well Jack up the rear

and give her a whole new paint job.

Oh, yeah.

[ Laughing]: Oh, yeah.

Hello!

We are supposed to be having an editorial meeting

in my office, guys. Let'’s go.

All right.

[ Beep]

Oops.

Oh, no.

Oh, please tell me this is just really strong hair spray.

Sabrina.

Yeah.

We'’re about to start the meeting.

Oh, okay.

Oh, I dropped my pencil!

Yeah, it'’s rolling.

Still rolling.

Still rolling!

Hey, while i'’m down here, you want a pedicure?

Okay, I know I suggested

you change your appearance

but i'’m not sure the Pamela Anderson look

is the image you want.

Oh, these aren'’t mine.

I'’m, uh, carrying them for a friend.

Sabrina!

What happened to you?

You'’ve got such big...

Hair.

Yeah, it'’s a new shampoo.

Uh, they say it adds body.

And they'’re not lying.

Yeah, maybe I should rinse and repeat.

[ Clanking]

Ugh, darn it!

If you'’re here, who'’s cohosting the country music awards?

Sabrina, we...

Wow! What'’s up with this gown?

Oh, well, uh... roxie

I would expect you, of all people, to know.

I have adopted this outrageous look to make a statement about

society'’s unreasonable expectations of female beauty.

Oh., she'’s telling women to be prettier.

No, it'’s a feminist protest.

Way to go, sister, burn your bra!

Yeah, well, if I did

you could see the smoke of Baltimore.

Sabrina, how did you do all of this?

Uh, mostly wire hangers and saffron peanuts.

So, how was the date with the drummer?

Well, clive was old enough to be my grandfather

and short enough to be roxie'’s grandfather.

But he turned out to be a really nice guy.

We have lots of fun

and he gave us free preview copies of a solo cd.

Yeah, it'’s nothing but drumming.

It'’s called "ba-rum-bum, shh."

Anyway, clive has this amazing background

and we thought he'’d be a great subject for scorch.

I Don'’t know, guys.

[ Phone ringing]

I Don'’t know if there are any people interested in a story

about a wrinkly old drummer who'’s gone solo. Hello.

Where the hell did the pencil roll, poughkeepsie?

Oh, i'’m sorry to disappear like that

but I am hot on the trail of a great story about...

An old drummer.

I'’ll be in later.

I did myself any deeper, i'’m going to hit rice.

You wouldn'’t lying; We already told clive

to meet us at the diner, so you really canwrite that story.

Guys, I-I really Don'’t feel like going out like this.

Are you kidding?

If I had a figure like that, i'’d want to show it off.

Heck, i'’d be married to an 80-year-old billionaire by now.

But we are only going to the diner.

And frankly, I Don'’t think they'’re going to get

the political statement you'’re making.

Okay, well, i'’ll just change my clothes.

Something wrong, Sabrina?

No, no, no, no, no, roxie!

I cannot give in and not make a statement.

That'’s just what the man wants. Let'’s go!

Oh, she'’s got what the man wants.

I Don'’t see clive.

He must be on his way.

Oh, great, Stan'’s working.

Hope you'’re not in a hurry to get served.

Good afternoon, miss!

Let me get you a table right away.

All right, come on, you guys are done. Let'’s go.

Hup two, hup, two, the Mayo on your tuna'’s starting to turn.

Ladies?

So, have something to start?

Uh, three lemonades, please.

I'’ll squeeze them myself.

Wow, what got into him?

What got into him is what got into you.

I Don'’t think he'’s getting the irony of your outfit.

Well, on the upside, he'’s getting our order... and fast.

H-H-Here we go.

Oh, we didn'’t order lattes.

No, these were sent over.

One from the gentleman at the counter

another from the guy by the window

and the third from the woman in the hard hat.

Cool.

Uh-uh-ub.

For the blonde.

For your information

I am a blonde in here.

You do realize the only reason

you'’re getting all this free stuff

is because of the way you look?

I know, it'’s an outrage.

What are you doing?

Oh, uh, exploiting, um, gender politics

to get a free muffin.

Sorry, i'’m late, ladies

but at the last minute, I realized I had something

in my teeth, so I had to go back and get the other set.

Now, where'’s that writer?

This is her, Sabrina spellman.

No, no, no, no, no.

I meant the journalist who'’s going to write that story on me.

Oh, that'’d be me. So, why Don'’t we start

with a little background information?

Fine, goldilocks.

I was born in London.

That'’s a big, big city in england.

Yeah, I know where London is; I'’ve been there.

Really? Well, were they opening

a trafalgar square branch of Hooters?

Look, i'’m treating you like a professional.

I expect you to treat me like a professional.

Oh, you'’re a professional.

Well, that explains the dress.

That'’s it! You are way out of line, buddy.

I'’m really sorry, Sabrina.

We had no idea he'’d be so obnoxious.

Well, I Don'’t know.

Everything sounds so cute with that accent.

Okay, just because I have a great body

doesn'’t mean I also Don'’t have a great brain.

I mean, look at this woman.

It is unfair that she'’s ignored

just because she'’s not glamorous

and her hair is limping, lifeless and...

I'’m sure she could use a little concealer

and some control-top pantyhose wouldn'’t hurt.

For the love of god, stop!

I'’m so sorry, but you didn'’t let me finish.

Just because this woman isn'’t gorgeous doesn'’t mean

she doesn'’t have a lot to offer.

I mean, we should stop judging others

by what they look like on the surface.

It'’s what underneath that matters, not what'’s... neath!

I like you.

When you'’re angry, you jiggle.

Nice speech.

Strident with just a touch of hyprocrisy.

You'’re right, I owe you an apology.

I shouldn'’t have assumed you'’re just dating Tina because she'’s gorgeous.

She probably challenges you intellectually as well.

Look at that sigh!

They spelled "dinner" with one "n."

But sometimes if a book'’s cover says

an idiot'’s guide for dummies

you got to take it at face value.

Man, I got to get that llama that shampoo!

Okay, i'’ve had enough of this Jessica rabbit impersonation.

Oh! I'’m ready to get back to my old self.

I just wish I knew how.

Oh, Harvey knows his way around a computer.

He can put you back the way you were.

But allow me to point out you look mighty mighty.

Sabrina!

You'’re...

Yeah, I know, mighty mighty.

Look, I can'’t stand looking like this for another day

and you obviously have a hockey game to get back to.

No, they won'’t miss me; There was a fight going on.

Oh, so you were hiding in the penalty box?

They hit so hard.

Anyway, you'’re the one with the magic powers.

How am I supposed to help you?

Okay i'’m going to go inside the computer

and you can use photo treat to get me back to normal.

You positive?

This is what i'’m saying.

Okay. Here it goes.

Listen, Harvey, as long as i'’m in here, I miss the beauty Mark.

Could you put it back?

But you Don'’t understand.

No, I Don'’t. Why did you put cameras in the men'’s room?

You'’re just lucky we'’re not getting hit with a lawsuit.

I want all web cams disconnected immediately

Andi want that limerick about me erased off the wall.

Fine, get rid of the web cams

but someday you will be slackjawed in awe of my genius.

Pull!

Thank you.

Oh.

What do you want?

I'’m sure you'’re probably wondering

why I look so outrageous yesterday.

Well, actually, I was working on a story... about body image.

Well, I just assumed

you were trying to draw attention

away from your writing.

The point is, i'’m back

with my peasant blouse and sensible shoes.

This is the way I look

and you'’re just going to have to deal with it.

You were the one having a hard time.

First the cameras are freaking you out

then you get all Dolly-parton up in here

and now you got this bizarre tattoo going on.

Oh, well, you know the peer pressure at computer camp.

Believe me, working in the music industry

I have seen far, far stranger things.

Now, where is this drummer article

that you'’re so hot about?

Oh.

Oh, I dropped my pencil.

Oh, it'’s still rolling!

Still rolling.

Nice shoes.

Are those Prada?

Oh, they'’re knockoffs, frauda.

Wedgie style really shows off your arches.

And the strap hugs the curve of your instep.

Has anyone ever told you, you have stunning toe cleavage?

No, but thanks.

[ Camera clicking]

Leonard, hand that over!