Original subtitles

[ Loud music playing]

Morning, guys. Hey, Sabrina.

Want to join us for some kickboxing?

Oh, no, thanks. I got to go to work.

Besides, I prefer the mellower martial arts like tai chi...

[ Doorbell rings]Judo or gun play.

Oh, hey, chip, what'’s up?

The whole bleeping neighborhood, thanks to your music.

Sorry. They'’re auditioning for the new

rockettes show.

Yeah, rockettes kick butt on ice.

I'’ll go turn it down.

Oh, give me a break. It'’s not even loud.

And last night your pizza delivery man

[ music stops]Turned around in my driveway

leaving a big oil stain.

Are you sure that'’s not from where

you were combing your hair?

Look, we Don'’t complain when you stand on your balcony

and videotape us in our backyard.

I'’m neighborhood watch captain.

What, are you making sure

nobody steals our bathing suits?

Whoa, whoa, time out, time out.

Can'’t we handle this rationally?

Chip, we'’ll try to keep it down.

Thanks for dropping by.

See that you do.

Because i'’m letting you off easy now.

Don'’t make me get ugly.

I'’d say that ship has sailed.

Okay, well, sorry about the noise.

And we'’ll see you around the neighborhood.

And by the way, your roses are gorgeous.

It'’s October. They'’re dead.

I'’m sure you did everything you could.

Way to tell him off, Sabrina.

Yeah, we didn'’t do anything wrong.

Why didn'’t you stand up to him?

I know the guy is a jerk, but he lives across the street.

It'’s just easier to get along with him.

Sabrina, a history lesson.

Not too many years ago

during a little something called world war ii

everyone said, "let'’s just get along with this guy."

And he nearly took over all of Europe.

That man was Rudolph Hitler.

Well, at least she knows there was a war.

♪ Life'’s changing around me, and i'’m gonna make it mine ♪

♪ i'’m reaching out and living by my rules... ♪

♪ Time'’s moving way too fast ♪

♪ I wanna make it last...

♪ '’cause i'’m out on my own now ♪

♪ and I like the way it feels.

No, seriously, Cole, give it back.

You'’re going to break it.

Toys break, Leonard.

It'’s all a part of playing with them.

And just between us, it'’s not helping your image

that you care so much about a doll.

[ Chuckles]

Man, that'’s rich.

Barbie is a doll.

Maxi-man is an action figure.

Now give him back.

And his tights.

Good morning, Annie. How'’s it going?

Why do you ask?

Just making small talk.

Make it smaller.

Hi, Annie.

Starting to grow on you, huh?

Okay, people, gather up.

Assignments.

Okay, there'’s a street luge competition

up in north andover...

Ooh, ooh! I could do that.

I have street luged.

Well, actually

I slid down a snowy hill on a cafeteria tray.

But I ended up in the street. It'’s really a cute story.

Still growing, huh?

James, you take the luge.

Remember, a wipe-out'’s a good shot

but a bone poking through skin is even better.

Oh, what do I get for decapitation?

Maybe if you'’re lucky, a cool hat.

Okay, with the new James Bond movie coming out

Aston Martin has arranged for a test drive of the new v12.

Ooh! I could do that story.

I have an impeccable driving record.

I'’ve never been in an accident.

Although, there seem to be a lot around me.

Right. Cole, you take that.

Yes!

Annie, I could give you a big kiss.

Hey, maybe I should come along with you on that.

You need someone to scout for smokeys.

Okay. But we'’re not stopping at hickory farms.

Suddenly someone'’s too big for free samples.

Ladies...

Okay, baby k2k is performing at club terminus.

I need someone to interview her, then cover the show.

Ooh! I'’ll do that.

You got it.

There'’s the background info.

Meeting over.

I scored a big interview. Whoo-hoo!

Wait, that was too easy.

Hey, what'’s the deal with baby k2k?

She'’s just a hip-hop singer, right?

Baby k2k is foul-mouthed, confrontational

and perpetually angry.

And that'’s just from her publicist.

Oh, yeah.

She is one aggressive chick.

She was asked to leave a party at Dennis rodman'’s house.

It'’s all just an act.

I mean, she probably pretends to be angry

just to sell records.

Whoa. Has she ever had a picture

not taken by the sheriff'’s department?

I'’ve been set up.

That'’s it, i'’m going to go tell Annie i'’m not doing it.

Not doing what?

Not...

Going to skip work

to build the white house out of sugar cubes.

Sorry, Leonard, you'’re on your own.

♪ Someone'’s stressing ♪

Please, I am not stressing.

Can'’t a person make...

You know, six dozen brownies?

Yeah, if that person has pointed ears

and lives in a hollow tree.

Okay, maybe I am stressing a little bit.

I'’ve got to do this interview with baby k2k.

[ Gasps]

So you'’ve heard of her?

Oh, boy, I like it when you'’re stressing.

We eat really well.

Are those baby k2k cds? Yep.

I'’ve got work release, rap sheet...

Coroner'’s report?

That'’s her holiday album.

Oh, yeah, Santa'’s toe tag says "merry Christmas."

I'’m just curious...

Aren'’t you afraid of doing this interview?

I'’m not intimidated by her.

I mean, I can stand up to anyone if I have to.

By bringing her brownies?

No, these aren'’t for her.

Give me a break.

What kind of suck-up do you think I am?

I'’m bringing these to our neighbor, chip.

You'’re taking them over to that jerk?

No. Well, I...

The man just lost his roses. Have you no heart?

I ain'’t believing you brought your kid up in here today!

I'’m sorry, my nanny got sick.

Well, can'’t you just take the little brat

to one of those places where you can just drop it off?

It'’s hard to arrange day care at the last minute.

Day care? I was talking about the park.

I got to go wash this nasty kid smell off of me.

Uh, excuse me, i'’m here to see baby k2k.

Oh, my god, did she hurt you?

No, no, no, i'’m Sabrina spellman.

Oh, right. Um, okay, i'’ll let her know you'’re here.

[ Intercom buzzes]

Baby k2k: Is that a buzz?

You did notjust buzz me!

Uh, maybe you shouldn'’t have buzzed her.

Okay, just Don'’t look her directly in the eye.

She'’ll charge.

I wish someone would'’ve told me that

before I decided to wear red.

Do I look like your bellhop?

And what do you want?

Good luck. I'’m going to hide the baby.

Is there room in that stroller for two?

Uh, i'’m from scorchmagazine.

And I wanted to ask you a few questions...

Back it up, Lois Lane.

I'’m over you reporters

stepping to me like you know me.

Don'’t none of y'’all know me.

Was I stepping to you?

Because I didn'’t mean to be stepping to you.

I... maybe on you. No, no, no, I...

Well, i'’ll just step away from you.

Just ask your questions.

But Don'’t come up here with no stupid ones

'’cause I Don'’t play that.

[ Cell phone rings]

Too slow.

I got to talk to grown folks now.

What?!

I'’m not afraid that she might strike me

but i'’ll do much better if I make her like me.

[ Gentler]: Okay. I got to go now.

Bye.

Now, where were we? I'’m sorry.

Oh, uh, well, I was going to ask you about your upcoming show

unless that would be prying.No.

You can ask me anything.

You really seem like someone I could talk to.

Come on in.

Let'’s chat.

We'’ll order smoothies. Whoo-hoo!

[ Loud music playing]Come on, Harvey.

You said you wanted to get in shape for hockey.

I just want to work on my speed

so when a fight breaks out

I can skate away with my teeth intact.[ Doorbell rings]

Evil neighbor alert.

Whoever parked their rusted-out corolla in front of my house

may I remind you that it'’s my curb?

You can'’t park there.

That'’s Harvey'’s car.

He'’s our friend. He can park there.

And what happens if I have a friend come over?

Then he can park his imaginary car in his imaginary spot.

Oh, but be careful of imaginary street cleaning on Tuesdays.

Look, smart aleck and idiot aleck

you'’re going to behave a lot differently when I call the police on you.

If you keep harassing us, you'’ll wish all we did

was park in front of your house.

Don'’t you threaten me.

Why are you still arguing?

Isn'’t it time to go home and dance with mama?

Ha! Oh.

[ Music playing]

Hey, guys.

Hey, hey, look at that, she lives.

Got through a baby k2k interview

with no scratches and no bruises.

Well, not that we can see.

The emotional wounds take the longest to heal.

If they ever do.

Actually, the interview went fine.

It was a little rocky at first, but I found a way to charm her.

Hey. Hey, James.

It'’s a good look for you, man.

Too bad the band was never called the Jackson six.

You'’re jealous.

You'’re jealous because my music industry connections

got me the mc gig here tonight.

You'’re mc?

James, my man.

What you doing, man?

Save that for the mathletes.

Oh, there'’s Annie. I'’m going to go say hi.

Hey, Annie.

I'’m on a date.

Does he know that?

I'’m Sabrina.

He doesn'’t speak.

That'’s why I like him.

[ Hip-hop music plays]

All right, who'’s ready to get their party on?

[ Cheering]

Now listen up

if you got a weak heart, you better call 911 right now

'’cause it'’s about to get dangerous up in here.

She'’s mean, she'’s bad, she'’s nasty.

Baby k2k!

[ Cheering]

[ Folk music playing]

♪ We'’ve only just begun ♪

♪ to live

♪ white lace and promises...

Any idea what this is about?

It'’s a tender tribute to a new marriage, really.

The music choice, it'’s, uh...

It'’s so not her.

You know, normally the rappers scare me

but this is quite enjoyable.

Was she like this during your interview with her?

She was nice, if that'’s what you mean.

Did you drug her? No.

Did you take her off drugs?

We just talked and we hit it off.

I even did my marcia Brady impression for her.

She found it really funny.

I want that article first thing on my desk tomorrow morning.

Tomorrow? But...

Save the whining for your birthday party.

Tomorrow morning on my desk, got it?

[ Chimes]Whoa, back it up, boss-illa.

Do I look like someone who has to be working all night for you?

Pardon me? I'’m up in here trying to get my groove on

and I got you all up in my grill sweating me

about some article for your funky little rag.

Well, sorry, I Don'’t play that.

Forget the article.

I'’ll see you first thing tomorrow morning.

[ Chimes]

Did I just say what I think I said?

Uh-huh.

Where did that come from?

♪ ...we smile...

Uh, I think I know where that came from.

All I can figure is

that somehow baby k2k and I switched personalities.

What do you mean "somehow"?

Did you cast a spell?

No.

Well, maybe a little one

but believe me, you would'’ve, too.

She was scary.

How scary?

Remember our class trip to the hot dog factory?

[ Groans]

So, what was the spell?

Nothing, really.

I just said to make her like me.

Oh, my god, I wanted her to like me, not becomelike me

and, somehow, I ended up like her

except without the money and fame.

Well, it happened.

So, just apologize to your boss and she'’ll forget it.

Annie doesn'’t forget things.

Well, thank you very much.

What?

Would it kill you to save one brownie for the cat?

What good is seafood fancy feast without dessert?

Sorry, Salem.

"Sorry"?

Well, sorry doesn'’t have walnuts, does it?

Do I look like someone who'’s running a kitty kitchen?

I'’ll sell your smelly carcass to the puppet show, you overfed fat ferret!

[ Gasping]

It has not gone away.

I Don'’t know what makes this happen

but I have to fix it.

I'’m going to call spellcheck.

[ Tones beeping]

[ Ringing]

This is Bob at Bob'’s spellcheck.

If you need help with a spell, leave a message.

Si usted necessita ayuda con elspell

dejase UN mensaje.

[ Beeps]

Buenos dias. Soy Sabrina...

Oh, wait a minute.

I Don'’t speak Spanish.

Hi, Bob, this is Sabrina.

I need help.

Come as quick as you can.

[ Doorbell rings]

Wow, he'’s fast.

Oh, hi, neighbor.

Well, if it isn'’t chip the dip.

Funny. Let'’s see if you can laugh this off.

I'’m taking you to small claims court.

What for?

I think you know.

Roxie, what did you do?

Okay, okay, I snuck into his yard and I...

I-I mixed his plastic recyclables with his glass.

Roxie, roxie...

You know, it'’s not too late

to turn back from this life of crime.

What on earth are you two talking about?

You scratched the word "loser" in my car.

What? I did not...

Although it would be truth in advertising.

What'’s going on?

Something about crime and court and...

I wasn'’t following.

I was playing with a ball of spit on my tongue.

See youin court.

Okay, everybody stay calm.

We can handle this.

It'’s going to take more than brownies but...

I'’ll make pecan sandies.

Cookies aren'’t going to do it.

That'’s why I need you to come with me to court

and be a character witness.

Don'’t worry, we'’ll all be there to support you.

Oh, absolutely.

I hope you get judge reinhold. I think he'’s cute.

Don'’t worry, i'’llbe there to support you.

Yeah, and i'’ll understand, Morgan

if you have an appointment or... Break a nail.

Oh, by the way, Sabrina

you left a wet towel on the bathroom floor.

Oh, well, i'’ve been kind of preoccupied, Morgan.

I'’ll get to it later.

Excuse me. "Later" means moldy grout.

How hard is it just to throw it in the hamper?

Do I look like your cleaning lady?

What are those, painted on?

Why Don'’t you pick it up, Princess lay-around?

Well!

You know, you shouldn'’t talk to me like that.

I am a kickboxer

and you'’re lucky that I Don'’t have my music on.

Oh, man, this is getting out of hand.

Well, she did kind of get in your face.

So did Salem... And so did Annie!

That'’s it!

Every time someone pushes me a little too far

I switch into baby k2k'’s personality.

Oh, man, i'’m late for work.

Hey, wait. What are you going to do about your boss?

I'’m just going to have to get in, apologize

and get out before she sets me off.

If that doesn'’t work, i'’ll... kiss her.

By the time she recovers, i'’ll be in Canada.

Hey, morning, Sabrina.

Notice how I said, "morning," not "good," not "bad"?

That'’s your call.

No need to get violent over it.

Okay, I can explain, okay?

I... got a little cranky with Annie

because I was up late the night before.

Oh. Right.

I'’m sure you must'’ve been up till, what, jive o'’clock?

'’cause I never heard you talk like that before.

Oh, you should be careful, though.

Doing all that... You can get a serious neck injury.

That'’s just the way Annie and I talk to each other.

You know, we'’re like sisters.

You know, we'’re, like...

♪ Go, sister, soul sister ♪

♪ gitchee, gitchee, wah, wah, wah... ♪

Listen, uh, Sabrina, Annie'’s looking for you.

Oh, I know, Leonard.

No, she wants to see you pronto.

Yeah, I got it.

I'’m just going to grab a cup of coffee.

Oh, no, let me make this, uh, clear.

Annie gave me a direct order to tell you to come see her.

So, if you Don'’t go see her

i'’m the one that gets my action figures broken.

Now, get in there.

Okay, back it up, doll boy.

Do I look like someone who cares what happens

to your silly toy collection?

Here, let me show you how much I care.

'’sup, dude?

[ Gasping]: Oh...

Now, maxi-man can get the good parking space.

Oh, no.

[ Voice breaking]: I was so wrong about you.

Bob'’s spellcheck.

Someone here having problems with their magic...?

Magic eight ball!

Yeah, mine keeps saying, "ask again later."

It'’s out here.

Bob, you can'’t just pop in.

Oh, right, like i'’m going to drive in Boston.

Look, I cast a spell to make someone like me

but she became just like me.

Syntax error.

Plus, i'’ve taken on hertraits.

Ooh... well, that one may take some time.

No, no, no, I Don'’t have any time.

You got to put it back the way it was. Go! Go!

What do the words "right away" mean in the hood?

Because where I come from, it means "right now."

Immediately, not when the mood strikes.

Do you understand what i'’m saying?

Hey, roxie, what are you doing?

Trying to find court TV.

I'’m doing some last-minute cramming

before my case tomorrow.

Yeah, I wanted to talk to you about that, rox.

Hey, look, there'’s your friend baby k2k.

Woman: In light of her recent bizarre behavior

an army of paparazzi has surrounded her home

hoping to catch a glimpse of the notoriously prickly star.

[ Clamoring]

How long have you guys been out here?

Well, come on in.

I'’m making brownies

and if you Don'’t like those... Go on, girl...

I made some pecan sandies.

Y'’all like pecan sandies?

No wonder you guys hit it off.

She reminds me of you.

Come on, i'’m not that eager to please.

Am I?

You can'’t help it.

You'’ll do anything to avoid confrontation.

That is not true...

But I Don'’t want to get into it.

Sabrina, you Don'’t have

a mean word to say about anybody.

That'’s why you'’re my main character witness.

Roxie, that'’s what I wanted to talk to you about.

I can'’t testify for you.

Why not?

Trust me, it wouldn'’t be a good idea.

I can'’t explain.

I know what this is about.

You think I keyed that guy'’s car.

No, way, roxie. I...

Well, thanks for the vote of confidence, friend.

So, it isn'’t just me.

You'’re turning on everyone.

Salem, you'’ve seen what'’s been happening to me.

If I were to lose it in a courtroom

I could really mess things up for roxie.

Hey, it'’s smallclaims court.

What'’s the worst that could happen...

She gets sent up the river to the smallhouse?

I'’m sorry, I feel bad for her.

Ms. King has absolutely no consideration

for the rights of others.

She needs to be punished for the good of the community!

Hey, matlock, this is small claims court.

Crank it down to about a five.

Ms. King

did you scratch his car?

No, i'’d never key a guy'’s car...

Unless I was dating him.

Your honor, this woman has been constantly abusive to me.

Is that true, Ms. King?

Not really.

Well... kind of.

I guess, sometimes.

Do you like brownies?

Sabrina, what are you doing here?

Oh, this is so frustrating.

That jerk is shredding roxie in there, and it'’s ridiculous!

She would never scratch anyone'’s car.

I mean, she gets goose bumps

just sliding a chair across linoleum.

Why Don'’t you go in and help?

I can'’t. The spell hasn'’t been lifted yet.

Miss... you can'’t stand in front of the doors.

Oh, but my friend... What are you, deaf?

You either come in or stay away from the doors.

Now move.

Uh-oh.

Stand back! Sabrina spellman in the house!

What is going on?

Uh, judge, i'’d like

to call my character witness.

Your honor, this man is a neighborhood menace.

He'’s rude, he'’s obnoxious, and i'’m guessing

his roses didn'’t die; They took their own lives.

What do you think you'’re doing?

Testifying, your honor.

Does this woman look like a vandal? No.

Does this man look like a crotchety old crank?

No. But he is.

He'’s a peeping Tom who doesn'’t like music, children or dogs

and he is the sole reason that the ice cream man

doesn'’t come to our neighborhood anymore.

Isn'’t that right, sir?

How many times can any human being listen

to "it'’s a small world"?

[ Gallery murmuring]

All right! Quiet!

You, young lady, have to control your attitude.

Thank you.

And you, pencil neck

need to stop complaining to your neighbors

about every little thing

and accusing people Willy-nilly.

It could'’ve been anyone who scratched your car.

In fact, if I lived next to a jerk like you

I might'’ve done it, too.

Case dismissed!

[ Gallery applauds]

I knew you wouldn'’t let me down.

Hey, what are friends for?

But if it turns out you poisoned his Rose bushes

I Don'’t know you.

Ah, here you are.

Sorry it took so long.

Don'’t worry about it.

Just lift the spell already.

What do you mean?

I fixed it an hour ago. Sign here.

But... that other girl'’s spell

should be winding down any minute.

Do you want me to read it again, sweetie?

Do I look like I want to read it again?!

I am not levar Burton and this is not reading rainbow!

Okay, that should do it.

Here'’s my card.

Don'’t forget, I also fix faulty hexes

potions and garbage disposals.

One thing I can'’t figure out...

If the spell was lifted, what just happened here?

I guess that was all me.

Turns out if I really want to

and my friends are on the line

I can kick some serious butt.

Yeah! That felt good.

I was smokin'’.

I hope I didn'’t hurt anyone'’s feelings.

Annie, I just want to say

i'’m sorry I had to bail on the baby k2k story.

That'’s it?

You'’re not going to get all up in my face

and snap your witty street-talk at me?

No, i'’m... you know, I feel really awful about that, too.

Oh, that'’s too bad.

For a minute there

I thought you might'’ve been getting interesting.

You know, a word of advice...

Find a personality and stick with it.

I Don'’t know what makes her think she'’s all that.