Original subtitles

Salem: What'’s with all the ironing?

I'’m the office "newbie."

I can'’t go to work all wrinkly.

Well, that doesn'’t keep Barbara Walters'’ mug off the view.

[ Sprays]

[ Gasps]

You'’re a witch.

Why not get rid of wrinkles in some witchy way?

Okay, how many times do I have to remind you?

Roxie and Morgan live here now, so that means no magic

no going through the magic portal to the other realm

and, no matter how late i'’m running

no reversing the rotation of the earth.

Well, since you'’re getting all domestic with small, hot irons

how '’bout you make me a waffle?

Very funny.

Hey, you'’re the one who'’s always making eyes at Mrs. Butterworth.

[ Whimpers]

♪ Life'’s changing around me, and i'’m gonna make it mine ♪

♪ i'’m reaching out and living by my rules... ♪

♪ Time'’s moving way too fast ♪

♪ I wanna make it last...

♪ '’cause i'’m out on my own now ♪

♪ and I like the way it feels.

I can'’t believe it.

I worked all day on this article

and Annie red-penciled every line.

Yeah, she can be pretty vicious with that red pencil.

This morning she took issue with my new shirt.

Ooh.

I Don'’t suppose you have any X-Men underoos to match.

I'’m not taking them out of their package.

They'’ll lose their value.

Guys, after work I want you to go check out this club.

Ashanti'’s doing a gig at the civic center

and she may show up there.

James, try and see if you can get some pictures

and, uh, Cole, try to grab her for some questions.

Will do.

And none of them should be

"are you free later?"

Hey, j-lo grabbed mybutt.

Don'’t worry, Annie

Leonard and I will keep an eye on him.

Uh, and i'’ll keep an eye on all three of them.

What? It'’s a work thing and i'’d like to go, too.

No offense, but do you even know who ashanti is?

She had the number one album

and the number one single at the same time.

She'’s rising faster than Britney Spears

who, by the way, gave me private dance lessons in Paris.

What?

Long story.

Um, so, uh, where'’s this club and what time we meeting?

Okay. It'’s on the docks.

Meet us at pier 38 at 9:00.

On the docks, cool.

We aren'’t going to be throwing tea in the harbor, too, are we?

Hey, guys. Hey, Harvey.

Sabrina, great, we need your help.

Oh, i'’m sorry, i'’m in a rush.

I'’m so excited.

I'’m going out with my coworkers for the first time.

But what'’s going on here?

Well, i'’ll tell you what'’s not going on...

A surprise birthday party for me.

And that is the third and final time I fall for that one.

Sabrina, we said that we were going

to spend tonight cleaning out the closets

and getting rid of junk.

And by that I mean roxie'’s clothes.

If we dumped half your makeup

we'’d have room for an ice skating rink.

I'’m sorry.

Look, I promise i'’ll help tomorrow.

I'’ve got to go change.

We'’re running out of closet space.

How come no one uses this one?

No.

We can'’t go in there.

Why not?

Oh, my god.

I know what'’s going on.

You have a tanning bed in there.

No, no, no, no, no, it'’s, uh... Bug zapper.

Ooh, wow.

That must have been a horse fly.

Oh, no, forget about this closet.

Um, ooh, I need a cool outfit to wear to the club tonight.

Do you think you could lend me one of your creations?

Nice neighborhood.

So, how do we find this club?

Do we just follow the chalk outlines?

You'’ve got to break out of your cozy little world.

You can'’t live your life in a bubble.

Sure you can.

My bubble has a very low crime rate.

Hey, there'’s the green light bulb.

That would be the club.

Unless it'’s an environmentally friendly brothel.

Hey, man, we'’re from scorch magazine.

Yeah, go on in.

Thanks.

Hold it, Mary Kate.

You can'’t come in here wearing that.

Who are you calling Mary Kate?

The only twins I see around here are your chins.

Hey, hey, you just let them in

and she had plastic banana barrettes in her hair.

Reminds me of my brother.

Is there a problem? No, no, no.

No problem, I know how this works.

You want a tip.

Okay, well, I got a tip for you...

Get out of town.

Hey, look.

If all of us can'’t get in

then none of us should go in.

And forget about ashanti, all right?

It'’s just another one of Annie'’s rumors.

That is true.

One time lil'’ bow wow

was supposed to be in the hospital

turns out his shih tzu was getting spayed.

Thanks, guys.

Next time we go out, i'’ll help you with your look.

Scenesters are into a little something called goth.

Vampires, gargoyles, hepatitis c.

Oh, please.

My people invented goth.

What'’d you say?

"Broth," uh, I said my people invented broth, yeah.

Before us, uh, everybody just ate

dried chicken and vegetables.

Hey, I know a place

open all night, no cover

and an awesome dj who plays exactly what you want to hear.

Okay, e-7 coming up.

Cole: All right, look.

So, the police let me out of jail

just in time to dance in the carnival parade.

But I kept my clothes on.

I'’m not saying my date did.

[ Laughing]

You see, in Brazil during carnaval

everyone dances in the streets naked.

I know what happens at carnaval.

I mean, thank god for laser hair removal, right?

You'’ve been to South America?

Sort of.

Well, it was epcot, but they stamped my passport.

You ain'’t never been to south amer...

That reminds me of this time I was on a float

with the king and queen of Mardi Gras.

Actually, it was the same dude.

Leonard: New Orleans has the best food.

They have a Philly cheese steak there

that'’s even better than you get in Chicago.

Look, Don'’t worry.

The great thing about a job like this

is it gets you out into the world.

Which would do you a lot of good.

[ Laughing]

Okay, guys, you know

maybe i'’ve never been to Brazil or been thrown in jail naked

but I have been to plenty of places and done lots of stuff.

I'’m sure you have.

But we'’re talking about

jumping-out-of-plane type stuff.

Yeah, i'’m sure you'’re adventurous in your own way.

We mean, like

running with the bulls.

Remember in Chicago I got all the way to half-court

before security busted me?

I remember that, man, yeah.

[ Chuckling]

See, we are men of experience.

We live life on the edge.

I could tell you stories that would make your hair curl.

Like eating unwashed fruit.

In Mexico.

That'’s crazy.

For your information, I have seen

the inside of the volcanoes in Hawaii

i'’ve been to the top of mt. Everest

and i'’ve even ridden the roller coaster in the rings of saturn.

Excuse me?

Uh, the rings of saturn.

You know, the amusement park in Florida.

Near Bible land.

Okay, how '’bout another song?

Uh, patsy cline, "crazy"? No.

Um... "Still crazy after

all these..." No.

Okay, uh, how '’bout we just talk?

You know, guy talk.

So, uh, that Anna kournikova, I mean, she is hot.

Hey, guys.

Both: Hi.

Hey, have you guys ever blurted something out under pressure

that would make everyone think you'’re weird?

Weird how? Creepy, scary, sixth senseweird

or freakish, odd, Liza'’s husband weird?

I'’d say, like, backwards white jacket weird.

Ooh, that reminds me. Got to call mom.

Lockdown'’s in ten minutes.

Okay, this is the "to get rid of" box.

I'’m going to toss it in the back of the car.

Oh, wait.

That'’s my sweater.

And those are my jeans.

This is my box.

I'’m not giving this stuff away.

What about helping the less fortunate?

Well, I Don'’t see any of roxie'’s stuff in there.

I think the less fortunate have enough problems.

Hey, Harvey?

You still helping them move boxes?

No, I fooled them.

This is the same box.

I'’ve just been carrying it up and down the stairs

for the last half an hour.

Good idea.

Just carrying an empty box.

Empty.

Shoot.

[ Thudding]

So, did you have fun with your coworkers tonight?

Oh, not really.

We were all sitting, talking, and suddenly

I blurted out about that time I went

to the rings of saturn with aunt hilda.

Did you mention

that all I got was a lousy t-shirt?

Sabrina, why did you tell them that?

I couldn'’t help it.

They were all trading stories about their big exotic exploits

and I couldn'’t even tell them

that I once broke the sound barrier on a hoover upright.

Maybe they'’ll think you were using a figure of speech.

You know, that the "rings of saturn"

is something everyone'’s saying.

By the way, we'’re taking a load

to the shelter in the city tomorrow, Sabrina

so make sure you have your junk in the car.

But I have to work tomorrow.

Hello, roxie and I have jobs, too.

Okay, okay, i'’ll go on my lunch break.

But I can'’t be late getting back.

Tomorrow at work i'’m going to be doing more damage control

than Mariah Carey'’s publicist.

Why? What'’s going on?

Oh, here'’s the thing.

I said something to my coworkers

and now they think i'’m all girl, interrupted.

Well, the next time someone does that, just say

"excuse me, I was talking."

Oh, hey, Jody, I love those shoes.

They are totally rings of saturn.

Hey, Brent, we missed you last night.

We had a great time.

Yeah, it was like roller coasting on the rings of saturn.

Oh, come on.

Hasn'’t anyone here heard that expression?

Where have you people been?

Come on, hip it up.

Jonathan hired her.

I think he should know about this.

It'’s none of his business

squeally mcsquakbox.

What'’s not whose business?

O-Okay, I Don'’t want to rat on anybody

but I think Jonathan should know

the new girl may be slightly off.

Judas, party of 13, your table'’s ready.

I mean, come on, len.

She said Britney Spears taught her how to dance.

She said her people created goth

and the whole thing about your roller coaster on saturn.

I think

her umbilical cord was wrapped too tight.

Okay, look, Jonathan hired Sabrina for a reason...

A reason I cannot fathom...

But as long as her behavior isn'’t dangerous

we'’re going to treat her like just another scorchemployee.

With a chemical imbalance like a public pool.

Hey, Annie, I love the hair, it'’s totally rings of saturn.

Hey, come on.

"It'’s all good" didn'’t catch on right away, either.

Okay, my lunch break is only an hour

and the last time I was late Annie made me sing

the tardy song to the whole custodial staff.

Man, these boxes are heavy.

Well, here, let'’s use this cart.

You know the best thing about giving stuff to the poor?

Yup, it means we get to buy new stuff.

Hey, hey, we'’re losing valuable merchandise.

Great, now i'’m going to have angel hair.

Hold on, one more.

There, now the queen has her robe.

Well, the queen has some weird friends.

You know, how come they can surgically

relocate your belly button

but they can'’t fix the grocery cart wobbly-wheel problem?

[ Tires screeching]

Hey! This is a crosswalk, buddy.

There better be a cooler full of kidneys in your back seat.

It'’s not what you think.

I'’m going to the shelter.

I mean, I...

Hey, there.

Whoa, high-strung?

Sign of quality breeding.

Between you and me

i'’m a sucker for the crazy girls.

Oh, too bad, '’cause I hear susie in accounting

has a thing for you.

Really?

There'’s got to be a susie, right?

Hey, James, look, about the shopping cart

and all the junk... it'’s actually a funny story.

No need to explain. No worries.

These voices in your head, though

they Don'’t say, "kill the photographer," do they?

[ Coin clattering in cup]

Very funny.

Come back and get your quarter.

Or at least take a pencil for it.

Annie, Annie.

Something has got to be done about Sabrina.

James...

No, you didn'’t see it today at lunch

with the cart, the blanket and the trash.

She looked like a bag lady.

James, I think you'’re overreacting.

We really Don'’t know anything about Sabrina.

Yeah, he'’s right.

I mean, this could be her sad, desperate attempt

to give herself a little edge.

You know, like when the bush girls get drunk

and make out with democrats.

All i'’m saying is that Jonathan should know

when he hires people on impulse

it could be dangerous.

I think dangerous is sexy.

My last date jumped out of my car while it was still moving.

Well, maybe she'’s just got some problems at home.

Does she even have a home?

One that doesn'’t say, "this end up"

and melt in the rain?

Okay, this is ridiculous, okay?

I know you guys are talking about me

and you think i'’m a weirdo.

No, we Don'’t.No, no. No...

Okay, look, and I just want you to know that I do have a home

and I invite any of you... Except you...

Anytime

to come over and see my regular, normal home.

Uh, why is Salem wearing a tutti-frutti hat?

I put it on him.

Isn'’t it cute?

And why are you sitting on the coffee table?

Before another day of moving boxes around

I thought i'’d warm up with some yoga.

I'’m attempting to levitate.

Well, do you have to do it here?

Cole'’s coming over to take me to work

and it won'’t help things if he thinks i'’m living

with a wacko.

Sorry, i'’m not moving from this spot

until I levitate.

Anything?

Nah. I'’m starting to think this yoga thing'’s a scam.

[ Nasally]: Morning, everyone.

What'’s up?

Why are you wearing a chip clip on your nose?

Ow. I am reshaping my nose without surgery.

I wear it when I sleep.

Like headgear.

Well, you look ridiculous.

Okay, and maybe you should stop

getting your medical advice from the dollar store.

Sabrina, you'’re trying too hard.

Just be yourself and they'’ll see you

for the wonderful, regular girl you are.

Actually, that is really good advice.

And just in case it doesn'’t work, go, go!

[ Singsongy]: Salem, there'’s an open can of tuna in the kitchen.

Hah! Nice try.

I know what'’s going on.

This guy'’s coming over

and you'’re worried a cat will make you look spinsterish.

No, what makes me look spinsterish is the cat

the two female roommates and the large victorian house.

Look, it'’s obvious you like this Cole guy.

Do what anybody in your situation would do...

Rub up against his leg

or stand in front of the TV and arch your back.

This is why I Don'’t listen to you anymore, Salem.

I am done taking the cat'’s advice.

Okay? I am sick and tired

of hearing your nagging little voice.

Psst...

Meow.

Oh, what is that, sarcasm?

[ Grunting]

Oh, hi, Cole. Come on in.

Hi.

Hey, Sabrina.

Uh, you know, they- they say that, um

if you talk to cats

it makes them, um, shed less.

[ Chuckles nervously]

All right, let me go get my stuff

i'’ll meet you out by the car.

Roxie: Sorry, we thought

you guys were gone.

I'’m roxie. This is Morgan.

Oh, hi.

So, uh, how long

you guys been roommates with Sabrina?

We'’ve only lived here for a few months.

This house used to belong to Sabrina'’s aunts.

Oh, uh, so where'’d they go?

We Don'’t know.

It was really strange.

They kind of just disappeared.

And you never checked out what happened to them?

Oh, Sabrina doesn'’t like to talk about it.

N-Not that Sabrina

doesn'’t like to talk about things

and keeps a lot of secrets.

Oh, she'’s very open.

Except when it comes to that closet upstairs, right?

Oh, yeah, "Don'’t go in there!" Aah!

Sabrina: Hey, uh

what are you guys doing down here?

I-I thought I told you to wait upstairs

and I thought I told you to wait in the car.

And you, we'’ll talk later.

I mean

i'’ll talk to youlater...

About shedding.

[ Sabrina chuckles]

Why would he talk to me, he'’s a cat?

[ Chuckles]

Huh.

Bye.

Yeah, my roommates and I get along great, you know.

Except for little things, like Morgan

the way she'’s always chomping her gum.

I could just strangleher!

[ Spits]

Um, so your-your friends

said you used to live with your aunts.

Yeah, yeah, when I was in high school.

But then I grew up and I didn'’t need them anymore.

I do miss them, though.

Well, i'’m sure they'’ll come back and visit.

No, no, no.

No, they won'’t be coming back.

Oh, could you pull over

by the diner?

I want to get something for the office.

Yeah, yeah, sure.

Uh, you know what?

Listen, um, I just remembered.

I got a conference call and, uh, you know

we'’re only a couple blocks from the office.

Do you mind walking?

Oh, no problem.

I'’ll see you back there.

Okay, well, he definitely thinks i'’m crazy.

And the fact that i'’m talking to myself is not helping.

Excuse me, um, I need a coffee cake for my office.

Okay, we got a fruitcake...

No, no, no, no fruitcakes.

How about a nice nut loaf?

No, no. Nothing nutty.

I need something that says, "normal, not crazy

not about to have a nervous breakdown!"

I Don'’t think I can fit all that on a cake.

I could maybe do "happy birthday"

some nice balloons.

Give me a minute.

Regular coffee to go.

Yeah.

You have a little...

Oh, great.

Well, that was the last time I let a monkey do my makeover.

You work at scorch?

Yeah. Hey, thanks for giving me the heads up on the clown mouth.

My coworkers already think i'’m crazy enough as it is.

Why is that?

Oh, I said something stupid

about riding a roller coaster on the rings of saturn.

It'’s a long story.

That'’s kind of cool.

It paints a nice picture. You seem very artistic.

I'’m better with words than I am with lipstick.

$1.35.

Oh, gosh, I guess I left my wallet at the hotel.

Ooh, well, then, you can get your coffee at the hotel.

Oh, I can cover your coffee.

Oh, really?

That would be nice. Thank you.

No problem.

Thanks. Um, listen

you have a card or anything?

I'’d like to pay you back for the coffee.

Oh, Don'’t worry about it.

I'’m just glad I didn'’t run into you

at a car dealership.

Thanks again.

I Don'’t care what Sabrina says

we need this closet space.

Morgan, Don'’t open that.

Morgan, are these your tap shoes?

Oh, my gosh.

I haven'’t seen those in years.

They look brand-new.

Yeah. I realized whenever I wore them

they just made too much noise.

Harvey?!

That is just like him.

We ask for help and then he gets wrapped up

in something else.

Okay, I still think you guys are overreacting.

Now we'’re all going back to work.

Business as usual.

She may have killed her aunts.

Okay, we could be dealing with an aunticidal maniac.

We have nothing to worry about with Sabrina.

Hey, guys.

I got a surprise.

[ All gasping]

No, guys, the knife is for the cake.

I brought cake.

Leonard, get out from underneath the desk!

Guys, listen, I know there'’s been

a lot of rumors about my behavior lately

but you haven'’t been seeing the whole picture.

I mean, there'’s an explanation for everything.

The grocery cart, the knife, the rings of saturn.

[ Horn tooting]Ooh, latte cart.

Guys, wait!

I'’m not a lunatic!

Hey, there you are.

I wanted to pay you back your money.

Oh, you Don'’t have to do that.

It was just coffee.

But thanks.

I'’m Sabrina spellman, by the way.

Hi, i'’m ashanti. Nice to meet you.

Oh, the singer ashanti?

Mm-hmm.

Oh, I see what'’s happening here.

They'’re trying to set me up and you'’re in on it.

They think i'’m nuts and they'’re trying to push me

into the deep end of the crazy pool.

Very funny, guys. You can come out now.

Let me know if there'’s ever anything I can do

to return the favor.

Uh, actually, since you'’re offering

um, would you mind giving me a few minutes

to do an interview?

The magazine would love it

and my reputation sure could use the help around here.

I'’m kind of in a rush... the tour bus is waiting outside.

But you know what, here is my manager'’s card.

Give her a call and she'’ll set something up.

Okay. Thanks.Okay.

Hey, was that...?

Was someone supposed to have an interview with ashanti?

Jonathan didn'’t say anything to me about it.

You didn'’t go saying something weird

and chase her off, did you?

As a matter of fact, she came here to...

Nah.

All right, all right, all right.

Forget the manager.

Look, here'’s my cell number.

Give me a call tonight before the show

and you can get your interview.

And, girl, you are definitely riding the roller coaster

on the rings of saturn in my book.

Wow, Sabrina knows ashanti.

Huh? Oh, yeah.

You know, me and ashanti.

[ Chuckles]: Yeah, we'’re buds.

We go way back.

So I guess we misjudged the new girl.

So, ashanti is the one

who came up with this whole rings of saturn thing, huh?

Well, actually, uh, we both came up with it together.

Yeah, we'’re like, you know, Lennon and McCartney.

Simon and Garfunkel.

We'’re spellman and... Whatever ashanti'’s last name is.

So is anybody going to eat this cake?

Hey, looks like you got everything stored away.

What happened to Harvey?

He bailed on us hours ago.

[ Panting, gasping]

Harvey, what happened to you?

I was...

Giant octopus and... Tentacles and acid blood.

It was horrible.

Roxie: Is that Harvey up there?

Morgan: We'’ve got six more boxes.