Original subtitles

Okay, Salem, i'’m off. You know the rules.

Yeah, yeah.

No more sleeping in bras.

I'’m serious... you talk in front of a mortal

you'’re looking at another 100 years trapped in a cat'’s body.

[ Groans]

See you later, guys.

There'’s our girl...

Off to her first day of work.

They grow up so fast, Don'’t they?

Now, we know you'’re going to be busy

so roxie made you a sack lunch.

Guys, i'’m just going to my first day at work

not my first day of kindergarten.

Hey, where'’s my juice box?

So, nervous?

Not really. I'’ve been a reporter for a while now.

You were an intern.

And this is a magazine.

It'’s totally different than a newspaper

it has color pictures.

Guys, it'’s just a job, you know?

Interviewing famous rock stars

hanging out with celebrities

staying ahead of trends

working with people with more experience...

Oh, my god. Bag.

[ Wheezing]

Ugh! Tuna.

You'’re going to be great.

Just be yourself.

Or someone slightly more interesting.

You'’re right. I'’m fine.

Salem, get off my jacket.

You ready to knock '’em dead?

Yep.

I feel confident.

My hair looks good, my outfit looks good.

Everything'’s going to be...

Good.

Sabrina...

What?

Watch your back.

You'’re so sweet.

♪ Life'’s changing around me, and i'’m gonna make it mine ♪

♪ i'’m reaching out and living by my rules... ♪

♪ Time'’s moving way too fast ♪

♪ I wanna make it last...

♪ '’cause i'’m out on my own now ♪

♪ and I like the way it feels.

Yeah, agua.

Where would we be without it?

Well, I guess we'’d pee a lot less.

New girl'’s got a naughty mouth.

I like that.

Listen, i'’m supposed to be meeting with Annie

but i'’ve been waiting so long

I might need to shave my legs again.

Annie'’s concept of time is a little fluid.

You probably have time to grab a latte...

Or grow a redwood.

First day, huh?

Yeah. You know, first days are kind of hard.

Lots of questions... What am I supposed to do

where do I park, who do I eat lunch with?

I'’ll eat lunch with you.

Oh, actually, that was sort of rhetorical.

I brought my lunch.

Oh, your mom packs your lunch too, huh?

So, uh, Leonard, right?

What do you... do here?

Oh, i'’m, uh... I'’m the publisher'’s right-hand man.

His go-to guy.

His vice president of i'’m-losing-my-mind

help-me-put-my-pants-on.

He sells ad space.

Oh, Leonard, by the way, we need more toner.

I do... many things.

Uh, listen, I think i'’m just going to go knock on Annie'’s door.

No, what I really am is the idea guy.

Like my idea

for the limp bizkit scratch-n-sniff centerfold.

Awesome, you know?

Maybe if it smelled like biscuits.

Might smell like biscuits.

[ Knocks on door]

Um, excuse me. Hi. I'’ve been waiting out here

for our meeting and I suddenly thought...

Sit. Exactly.

So, um, we met the other day.

You'’re the senior editor, right?

You'’re very close.

I knew you were up there

'’cause you have this amazing self-confidence.

You'’re sitting very close; You'’re practically on my lap.

Gotcha. I'’m a little nervous

see, this job came out of nowhere

and while i'’m excited about it, I also Don'’t know what it is

and i'’m sure once I stop talking

you'’ll explain it to me.

Here'’s the deal.

Scorchmagazine focuses on everything

and anything that'’s cutting edge

with an emphasis on music.

Jonathan culver, our publisher

thinks you'’d bring a fresh perspective to the magazine.

But I do have a fresh perspective.

I mean, i'’m beyond fresh... i'’m ripe.

But that'’s mostly from being nervous.

So, uh, what'’s my first assignment?

Why Don'’t you go see if the intern wants some water?

Uh, wait a minute. I'’m here to be a reporter.

I mean, there'’s got to be something I can report.

Ooh, what about this?

Nope. That'’s taken.

By whom?

Me, I just took it.

Oh, come on

you actually expect me to allow an unproven writer

to interview a major rock star on her first day?

Come on, I know you have low expectations of me

and I promise i'’ll meet them.

I mean, exceed them.

All right, fine.

Your first assignment...

You and our photographer, James

are going to the cape to do a profile on strum.

You do know who strum is?

Oh, sure, the musician. I love him.

You know, I saw that film he did with Jakob Dylan...

Strum and strummer?

[ Laughs]

Okay, the humor thing, the witty banter?

I Don'’t do it.

Okay, right.

No humor, no jokes.

I won'’t even say "knock knock" when I enter.

Did I read about you?

Are you the little girl who couldn'’t smile?

Salem: Since I can'’t ask you for the cream cheese

i'’m going to stare at you till you give it up.

I hate when this cat stares at me.

At least you'’ve got the end with eyes.

You know, he jumps on the table

he gets on the couch...

Sabrina'’s aunts gave him

way too much leeway.

We have got to discipline him.

Look, Morgan, you'’re not an animal person.

If he'’s on the table, just say

♪ kitty, get off the table. ♪

Yeah. Look at me scamper.

See?

We'’re just going to have to train him.

He'’s a cat, Morgan.

You Don'’t train cats.

You just live with them in case you never get married.

Well, we'’ll see about that.

It'’s time to learn some manners, Mr. Hair- all-over-the-place.

You should talk...

You got enough mustache to be an assistant coach.

So, Mr. Strum spent so much money building a personal gym

he couldn'’t afford a watch?

I tell you, this place really takes me back.

You know, I used to be a personal trainer?

Really?

Yeah. Watch yourself.

All right, well, they changed the equipment since then.

I'’m so sorry i'’m late.

What'’s up, dawg? How'’s it going?

It'’s been a long time.

Yeah, too long... The pool'’s filthy.

Oh, no, uh, strum.

This is James, our photographer

and i'’m Sabrina spellman, the reporter.

I have all your cds.

Well, actually, they'’re mp3s

I downloaded off...

Okay, let'’s get straight to the interview.

So, um, I understand you'’re in the studio

working on a new cd.

Do you have a title?

Move.

Oh, that'’s cool.

No, sweetheart; Move.

I can'’t see myself.

Sorry.

Sweat, please.

Sneeze coming.

[ Sneezes]

Now get out of here with that!

And Don'’t let me catch that on eBay!

Uh, so, strum, who were your musical influences?

Well, i'’d have to say my biggest influence

was the early Brian ardmore.

Oh. I'’m not familiar with Brian ardmore.

That was me before I changed my name.

Dude...

If you'’re not going to take pictures

you might as well clean the pool.

I mean, i'’m not doing this for my health.

Excuse me, these weights aren'’t going to lift themselves.

Do you think you can fit that ego in the shot?

If I take it from the hubble.

After Salem turned my latest fashion design

into a scratching post

I decided to buy the ultimate cat training system.

Nice, but I believe it'’s pearls that go with basic black.

How is a crummy cat collar

going to keep him off the furniture?

Oh, that'’s no ordinary collar.

As soon as he jumps on the furniture...

[ Buzzing][ Screeches]

Morgan!

Relax, it'’s perfectly humane.

It says right here... "not tested on animals."

You sadistic ditz!

Sabrina will never stand

for this.

Well, I finished my article on strum, and I got to say

i'’m usually my own worst critic but it'’s perfect.

And when Annie sees this

she'’s going to be thrilled that I was forced on her.

Morgan: Listen, Sabrina

would you mind if we started training the cat?

Of course she'’d mind.

Tell her, Sabrina.

Yeah, sure, whatever.

Salem: Huh?

[ Buzzing]No!

I think you had it set too high.

I had it on "cat."

[ Beeps]

Oh, "cattle."

[ Moaning]

Hey, what'’s going on?

I'’m so excited... I just handed in my article to Annie.

I hope she likes it.

What am I saying? I hope she loves it!

Oh, i'’m Sabrina, by the way.

Oh. Cole Harper.

Right, you used to write for rolling stonemagazine.

I'’ve been reading your articles since I was in high...

Hi! How ya doin'’?

Good, good.

So, I see you made yourself at home.

Yeah, just settling in.

So, where do you sit?

Well, right now, someone'’s at my desk

so i'’m just kind of floating.

Don'’t you hate that?

I haven'’t been given a desk yet.

I have.

And you'’re in it.

Oh... i'’m so sorry.

Nobody'’s told me where i'’m supposed to sit yet.

Well, that may not be necessary.

We can'’t use this.

Well, what'’s wrong with it?

It'’s a puff piece, a love letter... I could have used

the fourth paragraph to sweeten my coffee.

Well, you know, if you had kept reading

you would have noticed that I mentioned he was late

and that his pool was cloudy.

Nice, nice, very nice.

Thank you, that'’s what I thought.

No, you used the word "nice" three times in one paragraph.

Look, strum is a big star.

What was I supposed to say

that he was the most pompous

arrogant jerk i'’ve ever met?

Well, i'’d read that.

Right.

Seriously, people want to know

what celebrities are really like.

So, i'’m just supposed to be brutally honest?

Which may be hard for someone like you.

Oh, I can do it if I have to.

In fact, i'’m going to go in there right now

and tell Annie exactly what I think of her.

Or I could just rewrite this article.

[ Upbeat rock music plays]

Done!

Whew! I'’m fried.

Oh, you'’refried?

I smell like a bad perm!

[ Coughs]

"The ego has landed," by Sabrina spellman.

"Conceit of his pants..." clever.

"Strum'’s so vain

he probably thinks this article'’s about him."

Good one.

Yeah, wait till you get to the part

about him bending over backwards to kiss his own butt.

So, I guess now that you'’ve been published

we should actually give you a desk.

Why Don'’t you take that one right there?

Really?

Great. Wow.

I finally feel like i'’m finally here.

I want herfired!

Well, it was nice while it lasted.

No one is getting fired.

I stand by my writer.

I'’m not going to silence her.

Thank you.

Shut up.

If you Don'’t fire her, then i'’ll tell

every one of my music-industry friends never to talk

to your magazine again.

Oh, well, that'’s just two interviews

we'’re going to have to do without.

You won'’t fire her?

Then, i'’ll sue!

Sue away. My editor stands by my story.

Okay, how about if she prints a retraction in the next issue?

What? I'’m not writing a retraction.

Well, i'’m not getting sued.

How about a public apology?

Sabrina: Wait a minute.

Yeah, would that work? No.

How about on stage at tomorrow'’s concert? Hello?

Maybe she could be dancing in a big tub of bean dip.

Oh, right, I went too far.

Deal!

I'’ll see you on stage.

Thanks, guys.

This was a great day for the first amendment.

Is anybodylistening to me?

I am, Sabrina.

I'’m here for you.

Anybody at all?

Here, Salem, it'’s all yours.

I'’m too worked up to eat.

Oh, no.

I'’m not chomping on any furniture.

Your friends broke me.

Well, at least now you'’ll stop throwing out your hip.

Are you still mumbling to yourself about this whole apology thing?

This really stinks.

I mean, if I apologize

then I give up everything I believe in

and if I Don'’t, the only thing i'’ll be writing is bad checks.

Oh, please, it'’s a no-brainer.

To be on stage with strum?

I'’d give up anything, including my dignity.

Well, you gave that up when you appeared

in girls gone wild 8.

Look, Sabrina, how would you feel

if you got up on that stage

and let everyone in the world see you grovel?

Demeaned, degraded, De-not-very-happy.

Then, there you go.

Thanks, roxie.

[ Morgan clears throat]

While you'’re handing out thanks

how about thanking the person that'’s been training your cat

all week?

Salem... bring me my mascara.

Prepare to be amazed.

[ Chuckles]

Sabrina: Wow.

Talk about whipped.

Thank you, Salem.

Who'’s my good boy?

[ Crying]

Annie, i'’ve got something to tell you.

I'’ve given this a lot of thought

and i'’ve decided i'’m not going to go through with the apology.

Fine. Fine?

Fine. "fine" as in you'’re fine with it

or "fine" as in, "find another job"?

Well, that'’s not really up to me

but i'’ll let Jonathan know of your decision.

Well, uh, maybe I should go tell Jonathan.

That way, you can stay here and continue frightening people.

You can'’t speak with Jonathan.

He sets the bar for trends around here

and right now, human contact is out.

Fine. Well, I just wanted

to let you know i'’m not apologizing to strum.

Yeah, I heard you the first time.

Good.

Then, i'’ve said everything I came in here to say... twice.

James: Hey, listen, Sabrina, have you decided

what you'’re going to wear to the concert tonight?

'’cause whenever my girlfriends have to apologize

I find a halter top puts me in a very forgiving mood.

What makes you think i'’m going to apologize...

And whatever happened

to standing up for what you believe in?

Well, actually, nothing

if you'’re Nelson Mandela or Mother Teresa

but we ain'’t saving the lives of starving people, here.

We'’re just telling them

what to dance to.

Just between you and me, very smart move giving in.

Took me six months to learn

that if you Don'’t fight them when they'’re pantsing you

they Don'’t run them up the flagpole.

Kids can be so cruel.

Oh, yeah...

And 13-year-olds are much bigger than they used to be.

Hey, when you do this apology thing...

I'’m not doing it!

Really? Wow.

I mean, when I first started out as a reporter, I was idealistic.

I wanted to free political prisoners

save the ozone... Expose corruption.

Then I decided I wanted a Harley more.

You sold out that easily?

Well, compromise is part of the business.

What are you talking about?

I mean, you'’re the one who got me into this.

You told me to be brutally honest.

Brutal honesty has its place

but then again... so does keeping your job.

Listen, Annie, about the apology...

Yes?

Do you know a good place to buy a halter top?

Uh... just out of curiosity

how come there weren'’t any whitecats on death row?

[ Screaming]

[ Gasping]

[ Whimpers]

Wonder if I can flip this cushion.

[ Crowd chanting]: Strum!

Okay, can we do this?

Sounds like the audience is getting a little impatient.

That'’s not the audience.

Just part of my pre-concert ritual.

[ Chanting stops]

Oh, speaking of which, my pills.

Oh, perfect, all the rock-star elements... the ego, the drugs.

All that'’s missing is a brief, loveless marriage to j. Lo.

It was an antihistamine, honey.

[ Chuckling]: I'’m allergic to the flowers I-I sent myself.

All right, can we get this over with?

I still have a tiny shred of dignity lodged behind my spleen.

Hey, I like the halter.

Oops, there it goes.

Man: Let'’s go! They'’re waiting!

Well, go on.

Get the girls screaming for me, okay?

Oh, uh, I had an idea.

[ Door closes]

You know, saying you'’re sorry may not have enough impact.

So, i'’m going to roll up a copy of this scorchmagazine

you'’ll bend over and i'’ll spank you with it.

It'’s great!

Oh, that'’s it. Forget it. I'’m not doing it.

Excuse me?

Well, i'’m not apologizing

and i'’m not letting anyone spank me on stage.

Well, maybe if it was Dave Matthews and it was more of a love tap.

I'’m sorry, are you still talking?

Why should I compromise my self-respect just for some job?

Everything I wrote about you is true.

You'’re a narcissistic, arrogant jerk

and I never met anyone with such a big head.

Excuse me, you'’re confusing a big head with self-confidence.

Now, move it. [ Whaps]

Oh, now you'’ve done it.

Make this blowhard realize his empty head is super-sized.

Time to give these mall rats the minimum effort!

They'’re going to be talking about this concert for years.

Hello, Boston!

[ Thud]

That'’s weird.

My head...

It'’s huge!

[ Sneezes]

Darn allergies!

Or maybe your mind'’s trying to tell you something.

Maybe this wouldn'’t be happening if you weren'’t so arrogant.

Have you ever tried being humble?

Yeah, for about two weeks

and then all of a sudden I found out

somebody already had that name.

Man: Come on, strum!

The crowd'’s getting restless!

Okay, well, good luck.

Well, wait, wait!

You got to help me!

What am I going to do?

I'’d start recognizing that there are other people in this world.

I know there'’s other people!

I mean, some of them bring me things.

Okay, I-I guess some of my success comes

from those who write my songs.

It'’s working.

And I guess it wasn'’t right

to demand all the royalties

from those beginner guitar books.

Good...

And perhaps it wasn'’t right to tell Muhammad Ali

that i'’mactually the greatest...

Although I bet I could take him.

Okay, maybe not.

Oh, look at that... Back to normal.

Now, forget the inflated head; Remember the ego lesson instead.

Ooh! Not a hair out of place!

Thank god!

Oh, yeah... Thank you, too.

I guess we can let the apology slide for now.

Thanks.

But if you'’re up for a private spanking

the show'’s over after midnight.

Oh, bummer, i'’m already booked for a wedgie at 11:30.

[ Zapping]

[ Grunting]

Come on, red...

It'’s payback time.

Good kitty... Not on the furniture...

And for being so good

I am going to give you an extra-special treat.

And i'’m going to help them pull you down off the moon!

You can join me on the couch.

What?

Now, I am going to go get some popcorn for me

and some liver treats for you.

I'’ll be right back.

[ Both grunting]

Relax.

Mama says it'’s okayto be on the furniture now.

[ Whimpering]

No!

[ Zapping/salem screaming]

Oh, good, you'’re here.

Look, I just wanted to let you know

that I didn'’t apologize at strum'’s concert tonight.

He wanted to spank me with a rolled-up copy of scorch.

Anyway, to make a long story short...

Someone else would have to be telling it?

Anyway, I just wanted you to hear it from me.

Nice going.

Really? Thanks.

Wait, let me try that again with a little more sarcasm.

Nice going.

Since you'’re too high and mighty to take one for the team

we missed out on a ton of free publicity.

Now, I have to finish passing out these memos.

Well, clearly, hiring me was a failed experiment.

So, tell Jonathan, "thanks for the chance

and sorry it didn'’t work out."

Right. See you tomorrow.

Wait.

I'’m fired, right?

I mean, that was my farewell speech.

And it needs work.

Jonathan hired you, only Jonathan can fire you...

And frankly, I wouldn'’t get rid of you

for all the gin in hyannis port.

I-I-I Don'’t know what you'’re saying

but the gin comment explains a lot.

Look, i'’m the kind of person

who likes car wrecks, explosions and reality television

and you are this bizarre combination

of all of those.

I am going to look forward every day

to seeing what kind of disaster you can create for yourself.

Oh, you have no idea.

I am like an earthquake at Legoland.

There was this one time when I...

Too close, right? Too close.

Oh, quit complaining, you big baby.

It wasn'’t that bad.

Tell that to the piece of charcoal that used to be my thyroid.

I know you had a difficult week

but I hope you learned something.

I did... how to stay off the couch

and how to poop in a size-eight pump.

What?! roxie and Morgan: Salem!

Ha! I'’m out of here!

[ Laughing]

Not so fast.

[ Beeps]

[ Zapping]