Original subtitles

Well, i'’m off to the library

to research renaissance poets.

But feareth not, my trusted friend.

I shall returneth before thou knoweth.

Hey, Sabrina, on your way to the library

could I bummeth a rideth?

Sure. You know, miles

not that I mind taking you to the library

or your therapist five times a week

but have you ever considered getting a license?

Considered it, yes.

Been foolish enough to act upon it, no.

Years ago, I was in a traumatic accident

and i'’m still healing from the emotional scars.

Oh, that'’s awful.

Were you physically hurt?

I mean, no need to get overly detailed.

Amazingly, I walked away without a scratch.

My big wheel, however...

Whoa, whoa, whoa.

You Don'’t drive because of an accident

you had with a toy when you were five?

Twelve. And it'’s not just me.

All the goodmans have terrible luck behind the wheel.

My uncle buddy was the only good humor man

whose bell drove kids into their houses

instead of out of them.

That was your uncle?

I had nightmares about that guy!

Get in the car.

♪ Life'’s changing around me, and i'’m gonna make it mine ♪

♪ i'’m reaching out and living by my rules... ♪

♪ Time'’s moving way too fast ♪

♪ I wanna make it last...

♪ '’cause i'’m out on my own now ♪

♪ and I like the way it feels.

Hi, miles!

I'’ve decided I can'’t just stand by

and watch you ruin your life

by letting your fears control you.

So, I stopped by on the way home and got you a little present.

A driver'’s manual?

Thanks. I'’ve always believed that a passenger

is equally responsible for knowing the rules of the road.

Except your days of being a passenger are over.

In there is everything you need to get your learner'’s permit.

So start studying. You'’re taking the written test tomorrow.

What? That'’s madness!

You can'’t force a person to drive

especially a Goodman.

Yadda, yadda, I know.

No one in your family can drive.

Your father can'’t even steer luggage with wheels.

You know, miles, the longer you make excuses

the longer you'’ll be paralyzed by your fear.

First, you'’re afraid to drive.

Next, you'’re scared to leave the house.

But that was a one-week phase

and I worked through it.

Go and study, and Don'’t come back

until you can tell me what a red flashing light means.

That'’s easy. "My ambulance is here."

Hilda, i'’ve had it. I am no longer wasting my life

waiting for men to show up at my door.

What are you going to do? Chase them down the street?

Wear ankle support.

I'’m talking about the exterminator.

I rearranged my entire schedule for those idiots

and they never even showed.

It'’s so hard to find good help these days.

[ Clears throat]

Hilda, i'’m telling you, you have got to pitch in

and help me deal with these service people.

Hello? Business to run.

And how dare you accuse me of not helping.

Who spent Saturday afternoon

waiting for the plumber to show up?

I did.

Ladies?

I think ihave the solution to your problem.

Get a personal assistant to do it all foryou.

Not a bad idea.

Where would wefind a personal assistant?

Right in front of you!

Morgan, we really appreciate the offer

but I think I speak for both hilda and I

when I say...

No freaking way!

It took me two months

to get you to scrub a coffeepot

and I still have to use a cattle prod

to get you to wait on a table.

That'’s different.

There'’s no challenge in taking a stupid coffee order.

But running people'’s lives?

It'’s what I do!

If I had your exterminator'’s phone number, I could show you.

This is Morgan Cavanaugh

personal assistant to the spellman sisters.

Oh, you didn'’t show up because your truck broke down?

Good one.

I'’ll pass that along to my boyfriend

the consumer affairs reporter for channel three.

Well, if that'’s

the best you can do...

Bye-bye.

They'’ll be there in 10 minutes

and they'’re bringing bagels.

Here'’s a key.

Avoid the cat.

I did it. I passed my written test

and I got my official learner'’s permit.

Great! Now I Don'’t have to schlep you

to your allergist every Wednesday.

So, where'’s Sabrina?

I want her to take me for a driving lesson.

She went to class.

She'’ll be back in a couple of hours.

Oh? Well, hey, you wouldn'’t

by any chance be willing to...?

No.

Well, that'’s too bad.

'’cause you'’re from New York, and everyone knows

new yorkers are the best drivers.

Wow, you'’re a kiss-up.

Go on.

Please, i'’m begging you.

Help me lose these shackles and win my freedom.

All right, i'’ll teach you to drive.

Nothing'’s worse than watching you grovel.

Mmm, something smells good.

And the house is spotless.

Is this our house?

Welcome home, ladies.

Mail'’s been sorted, dinner'’s ordered

and dry cleaning is hanging in your closets.

But how did you know which clothes were mine

and which ones were Zelda'’s?

Mine weren'’t designed by barnum and Bailey.

Stuffed mushroom? Mini quiche?

You made all these?

Pretty much.

I opened the door for the caterer.

Ciao.

Well, I must say, I am really pretty impressed.

Me, too.

Who knew quiches came in mini?

Hey, roxie. Where have you been?

Taking miles for a driving lesson.

He got his permit.

That'’s great! So, how did the lesson go?

I saw my entire life flash before my eyes.

Miles, you'’re never going to be a good driver

unless you learn to drive aggressively.

By yelling phrases like

"slow down, and you'’ll be mowed down"

or "out of my Lane, or you'’ll feel the pain."

Maybe roxie'’s driving style just isn'’t for you.

Maybe driving isn'’t for me.

Sure it is, but maybe you just need a less hostile teacher.

Who are you calling hostile?

Sorry.

I meant psychotic.

Look, after a few lessons from me

you'’ll have your license in no time.

Okay, just promise me that if a crossing guard

asks us to stop, you won'’t flip her the bird.

Who would do such a thing?

Hey! School was out.

Hey, this isn'’t so bad.

I'’m doing much better with you.

Great. Now, let'’s try turning on the ignition.

Shouldn'’t we save that for the next lesson?

I'’m still digesting the fog lights

and automatic locks.

Well, finish digesting, and then give it some gas.

Okay, you'’re doing great.

Now, we'’re going to turn right

so, uh, flip on your signal.

[ Horn honking]

All right, miles.

You'’ve stopped long enough.

I think the operative word here is "go."

[ Tires screeching]

Okay, this is easy.

Now, just pull over and park.

I better go pick those up.

He can'’t drive because he'’s a nervous wreck.

If miles keeps driving like this, my head will explode.

Give him more confidence on the road.

Let'’s head over to the turnpike.

I suddenly have the urge to merge.

♪

Sabrina, you were right about this driving thing.

There'’s nothing to it. It'’s as easy as...

[ Crashing]

Hitting the car in front of you?

Oh, my god.

Sabrina, i'’m so sorry. Are you okay?

Yeah, i'’m fine.

I tightened my seat-belt back at the church

when you nearly sideswiped that monsignor.

I better go over there and make sure she'’s okay.

Please be okay, please be okay, please be okay...

Wow.

Are you okay?

I'’m fine.

Nothing to worry about.

I didn'’t mean to stop so suddenly

but there was this little puppy crossing the road, and...

Don'’t you just love little puppies?

If you do, I do.

Are you two okay? Yeah, we'’re fine. I was just teaching

my friend miles how to drive.

I'’m Sabrina spellman, the owner of the vehicle.

I'’m Mary Jo ponder.

Nice to meet you.

From what I can see, everything looks all right.

Just in case, we should probably exchange information.

No problem.

No harm done.

I'’m really sorry about this, Mary Jo.

Hey, sometimes accidents just can'’t be avoided.

[ Whispers]: There you go.

Drive safely.

[ Panting]

Miles, what are you doing in the passenger seat?

Hyperventilating.

Oh, obviously, that confidence spell wore off.

Confidence spell?

Yeah, uh, for a spell there...

You were looking pretty confident.

Now, get over there, and get back in the saddle.

Could you please not mention saddles?

I fell off a pony when I was six.

I haven'’t been on a merry-go-round since.

I'’m glad I didn'’t know you as a child.

I can'’t wait to sink my tush into the couch

and enjoy the little surprises

Morgan has in store for us tonight.

Not exactly the surprise I had in mind.

Morgan?

Where'’s our furniture?

Well, I was going to send it straight to goodwill

but then I realized that those hideous patterns

are nothing a little reupholstering won'’t cure.

You sent our furniture to be re-covered

without even asking us?

Why should great minds be bogged down

with little decisions?

Well, I would hardly call

emptying our living room a little decision.

In the future, we would like you

to notify us before undertaking

such an endeavor, right, hilda?

I'’m sorry. I was still going over the part

about our great minds.

Note taken and filed.

Now, how about a nice, chilled glass of champagne?

Did you hear that, zellie? Champagne.

Well, I do have papers to grade, but I guess

one little glass of bubbly wouldn'’t hurt.

Your wish is my command.

[ Doorbell rings]

Is there a Sabrina spellman here?

Is there ever.

Sabrina spellman, at your service.

Actually, you'’re the one being served.

Hey.

Where are you going with my tulips?

What does he mean, "being served?"

"Notice to defendant Sabrina spellman.

"You are being sued by plaintiff

Mary Jo ponder..."

"for causing her

extensive bodily injury!"

This doesn'’t make any sense!

When we left Mary Jo, she said everything was fine.

Well, Sabrina, as someone who'’s familiar with physical ailments

I can tell you it often takes 24 hours for pain to set in.

I Don'’t believe this. She seemed so nice.

She served you with a summons.

This is all my fault. It'’s the Goodman family curse.

We'’re just not meant to be behind the wheel.

Will you stop making this about you?

Sabrina'’s the one being sued!

For $2 million, if anybody'’s interested.

There... it'’s not Martha Stewart'’s living

but at least we have someplace to sit.

Oh! I call the bean bag chair.

Sorry about the inconvenience

but they fed-exed me

a swatch of the couch fabric this morning

and it was completely unacceptable.

I'’m having them redo the whole thing.

Morgan, i'’m not sure how long we can live this way.

Not to worry.

I told them if that furniture wasn'’t finished by Monday

they'’d regret the day they learned to sew.

Believe you me, those nuns in France are stitching faster

than they can say "hail Mary."

I can'’t think about this now.

Tomorrow is Wayne'’s birthday

and I have to buy him a gift.

Already taken care of.

Delivered it myself this morning.

And I think you will be veryimpressed

with how closely I matched your signature on the card.

You bought my boyfriend'’s birthday gift

and forged my signature?

No need to thank me.

It'’s what you pay me for.

Oh, and I added a little personal note, as well.

Morgan, you have reallycrossed the line.

You think?

[ Phone rings]

Hello?

Oh, hi, Wayne.

You loved the gift

and you can'’t wait to try it out on me?

I'’m sure it willbe fun...

I guess.

Bye-bye.

Told you he'’d love it.

Morgan, just out of curiosity

what did you get president banning?

I Don'’t want to spoil the surprise.

Oh, but be sure to bring a top hat and a whisk.

I'’ve really done it this time, Salem.

I ruined Mary Jo'’s life!

I mean, I crippled a woman!

Oh, please!

This is the oldest trick in the book.

The woman'’s a scam artist.

A con.

A sponge who earns her living

preying on the naiveté of others.

So is she single?

Salem, Mary Jo has a doctor'’s diagnosis confirming

she has multiple injuries.

And i'’ve got a degree from Harvard

confirming i'’m a marine biologist!

Fact is

if we popped over to Mary Jo'’s unannounced

you'’d find her doing the hokeypokey.

Ow! Uh.

I get a shooting pain down my arms every time I blink.

Not exactly the hokeypokey.

Could you do me a favor and get my pain pills please?

There you go.

See, Salem, you were all wrong about Mary Jo.

Please!

Any amateur can throw a brace around her neck

and lie in a bed.

But it takes a professional

to get her up and moving.

Watch and learn.

Ow!

Aah!

Your cat clawed me!

I could have bled to death.

I'’m adding that to my lawsuit!

Glad you'’re feeling better.

Got to go.

See, I told you Mary Jo is really hurt.

And you also told me

you barely tapped her vehicle.

This thing looks

like it was hit by a sherman tank.

Well, it didn'’t look like this

the day of the accident.

If you Don'’t believe me, ask him.

Sure, right after I ask that weed whacker

where I can find a good deli.

I, on the other hand

can have this car talking in no time.

[ Chuckling softly]

Okay, so I can'’t get the car to talk.

But I canget some advice

from some other realm car talk experts.

Click and clack? I love those guys.

Much funnier than frick and frack.

Woman: My husband'’s getting

the Mercedes in the divorce

and all i'’m getting is a ratty magic carpet

with 500,000 miles.

Click: Sounds like what

you should get is a new lawyer!

Let'’s take another call.

It'’s Sabrina spellman.

You'’re on the "other realm car talk"

with click and clack, the tappet brothers. What'’s up, baby?

I'’ve got a car here that I can'’t get to talk.

Count your blessings, girl.

I got a brother who won'’t shut up.

Well, what kind of a car

are we talking about here, Sabrina?

A sedan deville.

You sound a little young for a land yacht.

What color'’s your hair? It'’s not blue, is it?

Hey, what year is that deville?

Because, you know, they changed

the incantation on the '’91s.

Uh, it looks like a '’91.

That could be it. All right, look.

Here'’s what you do.

Tap on the hood three times

and you say this... "cars are great

"cause you Don'’t have to walk.

But they'’re even better when they talk."

You got that?

Got it.

And when you'’ve done that, walk around the car

and sniff the right front wheel.

Sniff the wheel? What'’s that for?

That'’s, uh, for our amusement.

[ Laughter]

[ Turns radio off]

[ Knocking]

"Cars are great, cause you Don'’t have to walk

but they'’re even better when they talk."

Hey, blondie, nice gams.

Gams?

I thought you were a '’91, not a '’46.

So, what'’s the deal?

After the accident, all you had was a scratch.

Now your whole rear end'’s a mess!

I can'’t say.

Sure you can. What are you afraid of?

Have you seenmary Jo?

The woman could crush me with her bare hands!

That'’s what she did to your trunk?

My grill is sealed.

You know, for a full-sized sedan

you'’ve got the spine of a golf cart!

Do you think I like living like this?

I was hoping to be a classic someday

but that broad'’s got me in an accident

every week!

She does?

She sees some fictitious animal

slams on my brakes

and then if i'’m not wrecked enough

she backs me into a brick wall.

Oh, so she did this on purpose

to collect the insurance money.

Salem: Hmm...

And where'’ve we heard thattheory before?

Well, she'’s not going to be pulling this scam anymore!

I'’ll just have you explain the truth

to the lawyers and the insurance company!

Great idea!

And I, the talking cat

will be exhibit "b."

So much for proof.

Wow, the cat talks... freaky.

Okay, ladies.

Here are your schedules

here are your lunches

and here are your 3:00 pm snacks.

How come I get an apple

and she gets that big ol'’ hunk of cheese?

Because Zelda needs the protein

and you need the fiber.

Boy, you really are on top of things, aren'’t you?

I had no idea how liberating it would be

not to have to make any personal decisions.

Tell me about it.

I Don'’t know how we ever managed without her.

Oh, Zelda.

How many times do I have to tell you?

Scarf goes on the left.

Oh, of course, of course. My better side.

And, remember...

"chin up, shoulders high...

[ All]: Keeps the gentlemen coming by."

And exactly who is this person

who told you Mary Jo was a faker?

Let'’s just say someone close to her

was kind of a motor mouth.

Anyway, there'’s got to be some way

to prove Mary Jo is a fraud.

I'’ve got a cousin in Jersey

that could get her out of that brace.

Or into some concrete.

But that wouldn'’t prove Mary Jo'’s guilty.

In my scenario, that wouldn'’t really matter.

[ Phone rings]

Hello?

Can I tell Sabrina who'’s calling?

Sedan who?

Sedan

deville?

Very funny... and i'’m I.P. Freely.

That'’s disgusting.

Hello, this is Sabrina.

Deville: It'’s me.

I just dropped Mary Jo off

at silverman'’s gym on dickens.

Could be an opportunity

if you catch my drift.

Got you.

And why is this an opportunity?

Because if you see her

and she slips up with her little invalid routine...

I can catch her in the act. Good plan, sedan.

You know, you American cars have really improved.

Excuse me. I need some help.

Oh, sorry.

Uh, i'’m looking

for someone named Mary Jo ponder.

Do you know her?

Oh, everybody knows Mary Jo.

She'’s, uh, held every weightlifting record

in this gym for the last ten years.

And then she had

the accident.

Just look at that poor thing

suffering over there.

Ow!

Well, i'’ll bet that lawsuit money

will help her ease the pain.

Well, if she has that many records

i'’m guessing she'’s going to want to hold on to them.

Wow. Who are you?

I'’m Olga spellmanovich, world-class weightlifter.

Now shut up.

You'’re sucking all the oxygen out of the room.

Mary Jo, check it out.

It looks like you'’ve got some serious competition.

Give me a break.

I could bench press that with my toe.

I mean, if I was feeling better.

Unbelievable.

I'’ve never seen anyone lift that much weight before.

Olga'’s not anyone. I'’m the best.

Oh, please. I could lift twice that much.

Talk is cheap. Besides, look at me.

I'’m in great shape. And look at your arms.

I'’ve seen toothpicks with more definition.

[ Men snickering]

You'’d kill to be in the shape that i'’m in.

Oh, please. You'’re just a little girly-girl.

I'’ll show you who'’s a girly-girl.

Wow, that'’s incredible.

Who'’s in great shape now?

I'’d say...

Still me.

Sabrina?

I'’ve been working out.

But one thing that'’s not going to work out

is you suing me

since a room full of people

just saw you lift 400 pounds.

500.

Whatever, girly-girl.

Hilda, Zelda. Let'’s go.

Time for our walk.

[ Blows whistle]

Sorry i'’m late.

It took longer than anticipated

to perform the skin regimen

you posted on my bathroom mirror.

It was so involved.

But so worth it.

I have to say, i'’m very pleased.

You and hilda have come so far.

Exactly where are we going?

Cute outfit.

Oh... my... god.

Morgan, you are turning us into you.

Oh, that'’s still going to take some time.

But we'’re getting there.

Now, who'’s going to lead us

on our little hike today?

The only one taking a hike today is you.

You'’re fired.

I'’m not sure what just went on here

but i'’m definitely keeping the hat.

So the entire lawsuit'’s been dropped?

That'’s right.

Mary Jo'’s been charged with fraud

and you no longer have to feel guilty

about ruining a woman'’s life.

Or, as my friend Olga would say

[ German accent]: "That weight can now

be lifted off your shoulders."

What a relief. I can now tool around guilt-free.

Which reminds me, Sabrina

I was wondering, provided it'’s not

too much of an inconvenience...

Yes, miles, you can borrow my car.

♪

Hey. So how was your first trip driving solo?

I never thought i'’d say this

but I love driving. I'’m a natural.

And I owe it all to you.

Thanks, Sabrina.

You know, I never doubted you

for a second.

All right, so how'’d he do?

[ Ding]

That guy drives like a maniac.

My tires are still shaking

my shocks are in shock.

Promise you'’ll never let him drive me again.

What'’s in it for me?

Working brakes.

Deal.