Original subtitles

And so the guy says

"that'’s no gross national product.

That'’s my wife!"

[ Laughter]

Now, that'’s funny.

Oh, there is nothing I like more

than a good supply-side economics joke.

[ Laughing]: How about that.

Lobbying for a better grade?

Always.

But I also found out, professor beltran

is the head of the nominating committee

for "professor of the year" award.

You'’re kind of a long shot

not being a teacher and all.

Not for me; For my aunt Zelda.

She'’s the best teacher at this college.

And i'’m not just saying that

because my name'’s plastered all over her will.

But Zelda'’s only been at Adams for two years.

There'’s no way beltran would even consider her for the award.

Sabrina: That girl, on the other hand

is going to get an "a" in economics.

Maybe there'’s a way you can plant the idea of Zelda in his head.

Plant the idea in his head...

That'’s a great idea, roxie.

Excuse me.

I'’ve got some seeds to sow.

[ Chuckles]: I love gardening.

♪ Life'’s changing around me, and i'’m gonna make it mine ♪

♪ i'’m reaching out and living by my rules... ♪

♪ Time'’s moving way too fast ♪

♪ I wanna make it last...

♪ '’cause i'’m out on my own now ♪

♪ and I like the way it feels.

I'’ve been staring at her long enough.

The faster I ask her out

the faster I can get rejected

and begin the healing process.

It'’s that air of confidence

that women find so irresistible.

Hi, my name is miles, and I...

Excuse me, I was wondering if...

[ Groans]

If I ever need a bouncer, you'’re hired.

And if you'’re ever going to land a girlfriend

you'’re going to need professional help.

The psychiatrists have washed their hands of me.

They say i'’m a "downer."

Forget about the shrinks.

You'’re looking at the world'’s greatest matchmaker.

I have a perfect record

when it comes to shoving people together.

You can set me up with my dream girl?

Yessiree, Bob.

It'’s one of the perks of being a nosy, intrusive yenta.

I know everybody in westbridge and everything about them.

Hey, Miriam, how far along are you?

We'’re having a baby?

It'’s a boy.

And i'’m pretty sure it'’s yours.

Wow, you really are a yenta.

Maybe you can help me.

So, are you busy tonight?

Wait a minute... Look who i'’m asking.

Well, you'’re busy now.

You'’ll never guess where i'’m going.

To meet with the nominating committee

for the "professor of the year" award?

No, i'’m... How did you know?

Well, I might have planted the idea

in professor beltran'’s head.

But I only got him thinking about you.

If you get the award

it'’s because you truly deserve it.

Oh, thank you, sweetheart.

I can'’t think of a more wonderful honor.

You said the same thing when you won

"rumrunner of the year" during prohibition.

That may be true

but of all the jobs i'’ve had in the last 600 years

I really think inspiring young people

is my true calling.

Oh, to be recognized by my peers

would just be icing on the cake.

There'’s going to be cake?

There will be if she wins.

Oh, i'’m so excited for you. Good luck.

I'’ll call you the minute I hear.

And I know a way to hear without her even having to call.

It'’s just me...

Your average, humble professor.

I must say, I was quite surprised

when I got your call.

Ow! So this is what a corset feels like.

And I continue to be surprised.

Well, let'’s get down to it, shall we?

Professor spellman...

You'’re fired.

What?!

Zelda: Did you just say

that i'’m fired?

When the committee reviewed your qualifications

for "professor of the year"

your file stated that you had

three advanced degrees from Harvard.

Oh, I do.

Well, we called Harvard to verify.

They said the last Zelda spellman who attended there

graduated in 1873.

Has it really been that long?

So while it is clear to me

that you are not 150 years old

I am to deduce that you are either a liar

or delusional.

Are those my only options?

Okay, studly, you'’re all set.

Her name'’s Margie.

You'’re meeting her tonight

at the takahana steak house.

Does it matter that I Don'’t eat red meat

and i'’m allergic to tempura?

No. Trust me.

You'’ll love it.

Everything'’s served in a boat.

Hilda, here she comes.

I am so, so sorry.

All: Surprise!

Don'’t you just love balloons?

Apparently not.

Hilda, not only did I not get the award...

I got fired.

Well, that puts a damper on the rest of the party.

Ix-nay on the arty-pay!

But the cake comes home with me.

Aunt Zelda, I had no idea

the committee would go snooping through your records.

Wait a minute!

Why didn'’t they check with Harvard

when they hired you?

Well, I had just published an article

in the scientific American

and had a galaxy named after me.

They were probably so thrilled

to have me on the faculty

that no one bothered to check the dates.

Till I came along.

Honey, you have nothing to feel bad about.

Sometimes things happen for the best.

Aunt Zelda, you were just booted out

of the greatest job you'’ve ever had.

What good can come of that?

Who knows?

Maybe this is my chance to explore new directions.

You know, take on new adventures

new challenges.

Wow, for someone who'’s just had her dreams

yanked out from under her, you'’re taking it really well.

When one dream dies, another is born.

Look out world, here comes Zelda spellman.

Boy, she is really letting you off the hook.

I wouldn'’t.

Please, she'’s not letting me off the hook.

She'’s just pretending to feel good so I Don'’t feel bad.

Well, i'’m not going to rest

until she admits that she feels bad so I can start feeling good.

Or something like that.

Talk about my perfect woman.

Talk about a snowball'’s chance.

Whatcha doing?

You must be miles.

I'’m Margie. I already ordered for you.

Don'’t you just love this place?

Everything'’s served in boats.

Have we met before?

No... oh, guess what?

I got us tickets to the circus.

You love the circus, right?

Actually, clowns terrify me.

Don'’t be ridiculous.

You'’ll have a great time.

Trust me. Trust you?

I'’m already breaking out in hives

just smelling the tempura.

But a circus... That takes the cake.

There'’s going to be cake?

Hi, is aunt Zelda here?

I just brought her over a 16-pound log of chocolate

to cheer her up.

And just to prove i'’m truly remorseful

i'’m wearing horsehair undergarments.

That might fly with Zelda

but how are you going to apologize to me?

[ Saxophone shrieking]For what?

That!

Oh, for the love of all things great and small... stop!

[ Salem whimpering]Hi, aunt Zelda.

You sound really good.

I got a saxophone.

I'’ve always wanted to take up jazz.

When are you going to start?

So, instead of teaching

you'’re going to become a jazz musician?

Well, i'’m free to do whatever I want.

Maybe i'’ll be the next Kenny g

or maybe i'’ll be a brain surgeon

or maybe i'’ll get a job pumping gas.

I'’m a woman with options.

Options are good.

And so is chocolate.

Maybe later, sweetheart.

Right now i'’ve got to drain the spit from my mouthpiece.

I feel so awful about what I did to aunt Zelda.

I'’ve got to help her figure out her options.

Here'’s the only option I see:

Put her in a basket and send her down the nile.

You are so weird.

It helps break up the day.

All ready for my dinner party.

Now all I need is... dinner.

Talk about the hostess with the mostest.

Perle mesta, eat your heart out.

[ Doorbell rings]

Hi, Sabrina.

Oh, the table looks lovely.

But I thought it was just the two of us for dinner.

Yeah, but then I thought

why not entertain a few more options?

Aunt Zelda, say hello to Lenny b.

Kenny g'’s on tour.

[ Plays riff]

And this is Dr. Schwartz, world-renowned brain surgeon.

With a seven handicap.

And this is Ernesto, gas station owner.

I prefer "petroleum products engineer."

Sabrina, what is going on?

They'’re here to help you decide what you want to do

with the rest of your life. Cool, huh?

I will never understand how this whole "playing god" thing

has gotten such a bad rap.

I mean, after all

if you'’re going to play anything

it'’s either that or golf, right?

Hey, if you want to get into gas

you got to move quick

because it'’s a young person'’s business.

Don'’t be ridiculous.

Look at those hands.

They were meant to cut people open.

Oh, and you Don'’t think I got nice hands?

Gentlemen, please.

I Don'’t want to be a brain surgeon or a musician

or a gas pumptress.

Sabrina, I just came up with those ideas

off the top of my head.

I have no idea what I want to do with my life.

Hello, whole point of the evening.

Honey, I know you mean well, but...

Look, there'’s a lot more where those came from.

Tinker, tailor, soldier, spy.

But then I have to set another place for dinner.

Honey, no more options.

All I need is some time to think

which is why I booked myself a week at the other realm spa.

Well, I could come with you.

You could bounce ideas off me.

I really want to help you feel better.

Honey, i'’m fine.

I Don'’t think it'’s me you want to help feel better.

It'’s you.

You are on a serious guilt trip.

I'’m not on a guilt trip.

Then explain the bus in your living room.

I'’m here to pick up Sabrina spellman.

What for?

Your guilt trip, honey.

You need help with your baggage?

I Don'’t have any baggage.

Ha. That'’s what they all say.

Have a nice trip, honey.

Uh, I think there'’s been a mistake.

I'’m really not supposed to be here.

Oh? So you'’re saying I Don'’t know my job?

Fine. Then maybe I just won'’t do it anymore.

I'’m sorry! I'’m sorry!

I'’m definitely meant to be here.

That'’s more like it.

Hi. I'’m Carrie.

I'’m the worst person in the entire world.

I left my fiancé at the altar.

Oh, you must feel so... Of course, guilty.

I'’m Chad.

And actually i'’m the worst person in the world.

I gave my clients

such bad financial advice

that most of them have had to declare bankruptcy.

Wow, compared to you two, i'’m Shirley temple.

Hardly.

Well, I did accidentally

get my aunt fired from her dream job

and destroy her life.

Oh, my god, i'’m the worst person in the world.

Now you'’re catching on.

So what are we supposed to do?

Just fly around up here

wallowing in our misery forever?

Well, that'’s entirely up to you.

Once you work through your guilt trip

I let you off the bus.

You want my last cracker?

Oh, no, I couldn'’t.

I'’d feel too guilty.

It'’s going to be a long trip.

Oh, this trip is excruciating.

How much longer do we have to stay on this ride?

I'’m going to be on this trip forever.

I'’m never going to stop feeling guilty.

So...

Why did you leave your fiancé at the altar?

I realized I didn'’t love Roger.

I knew that if I went through with the marriage

we'’d be miserable forever.

You know, Carrie, it seems to me

that you did Roger a huge favor.

I mean, if you didn'’t love him

then you saved him from making the biggest mistake of his life.

I never looked at it that way before.

It was the right thing to do.

This is the best i'’ve felt since...

Okay, that was fairly random.

She worked through her guilt trip

so I sent her home.

Well, I helped.

Can you drop me off, too?

Well, I would, but then i'’d feel guilty.

Maybe she'’ll let you off if you help me

get over my guilt.

It'’s worth a shot.

Okay, you say you gave your clients bad advice?

The worst.

But did you know it was bad when you gave it to them?

No. I even invested my own money in the same stocks.

Come on, Chad, this isn'’t your fault.

Stocks are risky by nature

and you'’re no miss Cleo.

You did the best you could

and that'’s all anybody could ask.

You'’re right.

I have nothing to feel guilty...

Would it kill you to let someone say good-bye?

Okay, here goes...

I tried to get my aunt elected professor of the year

but instead, I got her fired.

Okay, now that I worked through it... ready, aim... fire.

You'’re going to have to do better than that.

Okay.

Easy.

Uh, my aunt says it doesn'’t bother her

and not to blame myself, so I Don'’t.

Whoo-hoo, i'’m going home.

Hey, hey, could you hit that little ejecto button?

I'’d really like to take a shower.

You got your aunt fired?

What kind of a person would do such a thing?

A really, really guilty person.

Well?

Well, what?

Margie... your perfect woman.

How much do you love me?

Feel free to heap on the praise.

It was the single worst dating experience of my life.

What are you talking about?

Margie thought you were the perfect match.

But I didn'’t say two words.

She kept bossing me around and cutting me off.

I just think...

You pick up that phone and call her now. Go.

Hilda, trust me, we didn'’t click.

How would you know if you clicked or not?

Honestly, you go to all this trouble to help people.

All right, all right, i'’m calling.

You bet you are.

No one is screwing up my perfect record.

Hello, Margie.

Ah, young love.

I swear, I could eat here every day.

You haven'’t touched your food.

Like I said

i'’m highly allergic to... Eat.

Oh, great news.

There'’s a carnival coming to town.

It'’ll be here for a week.

So we can go at least seven times.

How can anybody call this a perfect match?

Just like I thought. It'’s a perfect match.

[ Body thuds]

Oops.

We'’ve got a seat open.

Look, my aunt'’s not mad at me

so I have no reason to feel guilty.

Now let me off this frickin'’ bus!

Hey, Sandra bullock, stay behind the yellow line.

[ Sighs]

Where'’s your aunt now?

She'’s at the other realm spa

figuring out her options, which she now has, thanks to me.

If everything is the way you say it is

i'’ll let you go.

Hang on.

[ Sighs]

Don'’t you just love the heat?

Really opens up the mind.

Me, i'’m schvitzing over here.

Don'’t worry, nobody can see us.

Yes, but unfortunately, we can see him.

You know, I really do have a wonderful life.

No worries, no responsibilities.

Just an endless sea of possibility.

Do you really believe

any of this malarkey you'’re spouting?

It'’s not malarkey.

I am thrilled to have all these new doors opening.

There. May I please go now?

Not so fast.

I smell a rat.

That'’s just Salem'’s musk.

Zelda, I know you better than you know yourself.

And that scares me.

You'’re miserable without that job.

You'’re right.

I'’m crushed.

I loved teaching

at Adams.

It was everything to me.

When I lost that job, my soul died a tragic death.

[ Sniffling]

Excuse me while I drown my sorrows in the plunge pool.

Killed her soul... That'’s a new one.

You'’ve got to let me off this guilt trip.

I'’ve got to help her.

I'’ve been doing nothing but sitting around

trying to figure out how to make myself feel better

when really what I should'’ve been doing was hel...

Hey, you'’re pretty tricky.

It'’s a gift.

You got to love a girl

who doesn'’t feel guilty about sleeping in all day.

Believe me, I wasn'’t sleeping.

Then where were you and why do smell like...

[ Sniffs] Bus fumes and musk?

I was trying out this new Cologne.

It'’s called guilty by association.

Well, while you were out sampling diesel perfume

I was busy trying to get Zelda'’s job back.

I already got 20 signatures from students

trying to get her reinstated.

See, that'’s what I should have been doing.

That'’s it... i'’m going with you to help.

We'’ll get a lot more signatures if you take a shower.

Whoo! Good idea.

So it shouldn'’t just be

about her resume or her credentials.

It should be about the passion she brings to the subject.

I mean, come on

she'’s a quantum physics teacher, for crying out loud

and the students still love her.

I have here over 200 signatures...

Ms. Spellman, we agree with everything you'’ve said.

We would love to give your aunt her job back.

Great. I can'’t wait to tell her the good news.

I'’d hold off.

The only way

that we can reinstate professor spellman

is if she were to complete all of the course work

that would be necessary for a doctoral degree.

No problem.

How long will that take? Seven years.

Unfortunately, we'’re hiring a replacement in three weeks.

You'’ll have everything you need on your desk in two weeks.

That'’s impossible.

You Don'’t know my aunt.

That'’s impossible.

Do you want to spend the rest of your life

schvitzing in a sauna with your cat?

I'’ll need a sharp pencil.

That'’s it.

You did it.

Okay, i'’m just going to run these over to the college and...

Nice hat.

Poodle?

No. Margie made me wear the poodle yesterday.

Today is ferret day.

Boy, you must really like this girl

if you'’re willing to walk around looking...

Granted... better than you usually look.

I hate looking like this.

I hate that I let her boss me around.

I hate every moment that i'’m with Margie.

Why Don'’t you just break up with her?

Why didn'’t the Belgians just ask the Germans to go around them?

She is themost aggressive woman i'’ve ever met

and i'’m totally nonconfrontational.

What if I introduced you to somebody who could be

confrontational for you?

No thanks.

I'’ve been set up enough for three lifetimes.

Your choice.

I'’m sure you'’ll look adorable

in tomorrow'’s ferret hat.

Even though you kept me waiting

I made you a present.

Take the silly hat off the man.

Who are you?

Miles'’s girlfriend.

You are?

I mean, she is.

Oh, yeah?

Then why has he been seeing me

for the last two weeks?

Because I needed some space.

But I Don'’t anymore, understand?

Please, you'’re so not his type.

Margie, you'’re not hearing me.

Miles might be

a paranoid, conspiracy-loving trekkie freak

but he'’s myparanoid, conspiracy-loving trekkie freak.

So take your carny ways and your Asian meats

and hit the road.

Wow, you'’re even bossier than I am.

You'’ve got yourself a great girl.

I'’ll miss you, though.

Most of the guys I date Don'’t actually wear the hats.

Roxie, I...

You'’re welcome.

And next time you'’re trying to find your perfect match

trust your own instincts, not someone else'’s.

Thanks. I'’ll do that.

Zelda, I Don'’t know how you did it

but this is the quickest academic tour De force

I have ever encountered.

Just happy to be back.

Oh! Oh! Smidge of carpal tunnel.

Well, i'’m just happy

that your niece was so persistent.

Yes, she'’s a pretty amazing girl.

Couldn'’t have done it without her.

And while professor of the year is out of the question

I would say that you'’ve got a pretty good shot

at student of the year.

Woo-hoo!

Ow!

Where you going?

To the circus with Margie.

Miles may have no taste

but I think she'’s fabulous.

Hi.

I just met a guy who'’d be perfect for you.

You'’re going out Saturday.

I love this girl.

And I love your outfit.

Let'’s go, sister.

It'’s enough to make you swear off women.

Okay, i'’ve sworn off long enough.

My true love is waiting right...

Here.

Woman: Hello?

Hello, back at ya, baby.

Who is this?

Purr-fection in a little furry suit.

Whoever you are, I Don'’t have time for this, all right?

I'’m on the road talking on my cell phone

and this may be one of those states

where you get arrested for that.

Okay, let'’s go a different way.

Is your refrigerator running?

[ Dial tone]Hello? Hello?