Original subtitles

[ Phone ringing]

Hello?

Sorry, dude, wrong number.

Sure, i'’ll double-check.

Sabrina, are we an Indian restaurant?

No statues of vishnu here.

You must have misprogrammed your speed dial.

No problem.

Hey, how do you know my name'’s roxie?

Why are you mad at me?

It'’s not my fault the cranberry club

had a private party for Pedro Martinez.

No, but it is your fault

that we weren'’t on the guest list.

It is one of your responsibilities

as the boyfriend to anticipate my needs.

I'’m sensing you need to be alone.

Harvey...

What?

No, never mind.

Okay.

No, it'’s not okay.

It hasn'’t been okay for a long time.

You shouldn'’t let Morgan

push you around like that.

It'’s no big deal.

It'’s just how she is.

But every time you do something she wants

she loses respect for you.

You have to stand up for yourself.

Tell her what you want.

Okay.

What do I want?

To be treated like an equal.

You'’re right.

Thanks, Sabrina.

I'’m here to help.

I can'’t believe you recognize my voice

from my radio show.

Are you still talking to that wrong number?

He'’s actually kind of cool.

Do you think I should keep on talking

or is this just too weird?

Keep talking.

Who knows? He could be Mr. Right.

Good thinking. Thanks, Sabrina.

I'’m here to help.

Yeah, i'’m still listening.

So, now that you know who I am

why Don'’t you tell me about yourself?

Start with your name.

My name is Alejandro.

[ Snickers]

♪ Life'’s changing around me, and i'’m gonna make it mine ♪

♪ i'’m reaching out and living by my rules... ♪

♪ Time'’s moving way too fast ♪

♪ I wanna make it last...

♪ '’cause i'’m out on my own now ♪

♪ and I like the way it feels.

I'’m getting Zelda this sweater

for her birthday.

Don'’t you love it?

It has a pouch. She'’ll hate it.

Sabrina, i'’ve lived with the woman

for 650 years.

I think I know my sister.

Well, then you know that her birthday was last week?

Oh... well, that explains the cake and balloons.

I know the perfect gift for aunt Zelda.

You remember the broken antique tea set

that she keeps stored in the attic?

Well, you use the pieces

to make a mosaic table top or planter, whatever.

She'’ll love it.

Great. I get to grout.

Thanks, Sabrina.

I'’m here to help.

Oh, sorry, miles, we Don'’t take checks.

Only dollars and first-born.

This is for the speeding ticket I got

from state trooper Kenneth norwood.

[ In southern accent]: "Where'’s the fire, pee-wee?"

And you'’re paying it?

Why not contest it in court?

These troopers never show up.

You know, the judge will throw out the ticket

you'’ll save a c-note

bing, boom, you'’re home sucking on a Yoo-hoo.

Good thinking.

Thanks, Sabrina.

I'’m here to help, pee-wee.

Mike! Mike! Mike!

So, what'’s the good word, Mike?

Corporate brass is jerking me around

like a Jamaican chicken.

Give me something tall, hot, and foamy.

I Don'’t get off till 9:00.

How about a latte instead?

To go, please.

Yeah, they'’re on some kind of fiscal austerity kick

down at the paper.

Corporate'’s balking at giving me a raise.

It stinks being the little guy.

Here you go, tiny.

Well, you'’re going to fight them, aren'’t you?

I mean, you'’re Mike Shelby, living legend.

You know, you made the Boston citizen

what it is today.

You gave it guts, integrity.

Not to mention 20 years of dedicated service.

And a microwave I swiped from my mother.

See? You gave that paper the best years of your life!

I mean, not that you Don'’t have a lot more to give.

You got a point there, kid.

I'’m going to march right down to hq

give them a piece of my mind.

Thanks for pumping me up, Sabrina.

I'’m here to help.

All right, who else needs some help?

I'’m on a roll here.

Come on. Give me somebody!

Hey, miles.

So, how did it go at court this morning?

Well, for starters

state trooper norwood showed up to testify, as is his habit

so pee-wee'’s out a c-note.

Then, on the way home, I get pulled over by, guess who?

"Pee-wee, you'’re driving with a broken taillight."

Another 50 bucks.

Thanks a lot, Sabrina.

Hey, I was only trying to help.

Look what hilda made me for my birthday.

Don'’t you love it?

I hate it.

Hilda ruined a priceless tea set

that I was planning to restore.

Where did she get such a numskull idea?

I would have been happy with a sweater.

But it had a pouch!

Oh, Jerry, I got something for you.

Photos of that weird cloud from last night.

Oh, uh, Don'’t mind the last few shots.

We were just messing around with the camera.

Yeah, you'’re welcome!

How did that punk get to be photo editor?

Huh, i'’ll have to ask his uncle, Mike.

Mike: When I say I want 2,500 words on the new subway

that'’s what I expect!

Not 2,499. Not 2,501. You got that, Franklin?

Yeah, but I just fix the copy machine.

Now that'’s the Mike we all know and love.

So, let'’s hear it.

Did corporate cave in to your demands?

Well, if my demands included a pay cut

and taking away my health benefits

then, yes, they caved.

Thanks for the advice.

[ Weakly]: Hey, i'’m here to help.

I'’ve got to get myself a new catchphrase.

Hey, Harvey, waiting for Morgan?

No, actually, i'’m waiting for you.

Let me guess.

Even though I was just trying to help

my advice blew up in your face

and Morgan read you the riot act.

I wish that was all she did.

She dumped me.

I am so sorry.

You know, usually, I am really good

at giving advice

but these days, i'’m a menace to society.

I mean, first miles, then aunt hilda

then Mike, now you.

Sabrina, every language has a word for people like you.

In Swahili, it'’s...

[ Clicking tongue]

[ Sighs]: I know.

In English, it'’s "busybody."

That would be the cleaned-up version.

The other realm yellow pages?

It'’s been a lifesaver for me.

And the front section on theater seating

really comes in handy.

Wait. So these are real businesses?

"Painting lessons from Vincent van Gogh"?

"Flying monkey feed and supply"?

Whoa. "Martial arts lesson with genghis Khan."

I'’ve got to see this. Harvey, no!

[ Roaring]

No way.

Mr. Khan, it'’s an honor to meet you.

I'’m Harvey kinkle.

[ Growling]

What did he say?

He'’s going to eat you.

There'’s got to be a cure for a busybody in here.

[ Gasps]: Bingo!

"Buddy'’s busy body shop.

All makes. All body parts. Always busy."

I found what I needed.

Yo, Harvey

continental grip on that staff.

Thanks a lot, Sabrina.

I Don'’t know why anybody listens to me.

[ Yelling]

Still, I got to spend some quality time

with genghis Khan. Cool.

Never sneak up on a guy with a blue flame.

Sorry, buddy.

I'’m looking for buddy.

You found him.

What can I do you for, sugarplum?

Well, i'’m an out-of-control busybody.

Can you fix me?

I can fix anything.

But busybodies, my bread and butter.

I'’ll probably just have to tweak your gyro.

Whoa, whoa! Keep your grubby hands off my gyro.

What'’s a gyro anyway?

It'’s the business end of your busybody part.

Oh, well, I want nothing to do with it.

Get rid of the whole thing.

Why would you want to do that?

Because every time I get involved in someone'’s life

I cause nothing but trouble.

Say no more.

I can put you up on the rack right now.

Hey, nice rack.

Yeah. I get that a lot.

All right, you'’re all set, Mr. Johnson.

What was he here for?

Can'’t tell you.

Mechanic-patient confidentiality.

But I can tell you this.

He'’s now sleeker, faster, and he handles like a dream.

Your favorite music is Swiss jazz?

You are such a kook.

Okay, call me later.

Bye, Alejandro.

So, Alejandro, huh?

When did you start seeing him?

I haven'’t yet.

So far we'’ve only talked on the phone.

It'’s the craziest story.

We met over a wrong number.

I'’ll give you a crazy story.

I'’m in Ireland, hunting leprechauns...

Tell me about Alejandro.

Well, he'’s confident and smart.

He lives with two female roommates

so he understands women.

He likes foreign music, lovesindian food.

Who knows? Maybe this could be the real thing.

Just make sure it'’s not the diet real thing.

Too much aspartame.

Sabrina thinks I should meet him for coffee.

What do you think?

I think i'’ve got a piece of tea cup

stuck in my bra.

[ Whirring]

Funny. You know, I Don'’t feel any different

without my busybody part.

Well, maybe a little greasier.

Well, there'’s your old part. You want it?

I didn'’t keep my tonsils, and i'’m not keeping that.

So, am I good to go?

Not quite.

Let'’s test you out first.

Sabrina...

The girl i'’ve been dating for about five years

she'’s pressuring me to get married...

Buddy, you know, this is none of my business.

Whoa! I have never said that before.

You do excellent work.

If only you were here, my love, to nibble on my garlic naan.

Where'’s Zelda?

I fixed her stupid teapot.

Do you mind?

I'’m talking on the phone to my lady.

This is the real thing.

Oh, that'’s my roommate.

She has father issues and needs to be loved by all men

great and small.

Hmm, the real thing.

Likes Indian food.

Knows my feminine inner shame.

And by any chance

would that grating excuse for music

be Swiss jazz?

Yeah, what of it, you lucerne-aphobe?

The jig'’s up, Salem.

There will be no interspecies dating under my roof.

Eww.

[ Sighs]: I'’ll call you later, roxie.

Ciao.

You idiot.

What do you think roxie'’s going to do

when she finds out Mr. Right has a tail?

What any normal person would do.

Make a lifestyle adjustment.

We'’ve got a big problem.

Roxie is having a phone fling with Salem.

What your cat and my best friend

do in their spare time

is absolutely none of my business.

Sabrina?

Harvey, I know it'’s none of my business

but do you need a refill?

I need your help.

Look over there.

[ Laughing]

That guy with Morgan is Johnny Austin.

He'’s ranked number two

in Boston'’s underground kickboxing league.

So? So his wife is Penelope Austin

the number one kickboxer.

Word on the street is she'’s the jealous type.

I'’m worried about Morgan

even though I hate her right now.

Well, I was just about to go over there anyway.

Morgan, I think there'’s something

you should know about this guy.

He'’s... out of coffee.

Thanks, hon.

How did it go?

Great.

Just at the moment when I thought

I was about to jump in and save the day

I did nothing!

Whoo!

Get out while you can.

Mike'’s on a tear.

Mike: Josh!

Too late. For you.

Everyone'’s calling the paper

about that weird cloud last night.

Where are the photos you took of it?

Oh, I gave them to Jerry.

No, you didn'’t.

I absolutely did.

Jerry, we were right over there.

Sabrina was with me.

You saw me hand Jerry the disk.

Tell them.

This is absolutely none of my business.

What? Josh

I give only one warning, and this is yours.

Next time you screw up and lie about it

you'’re fired. You got that?

Yes, sir.

I told you he was a punk.

Shut up, Jerry.

Thanks a lot, Sabrina.

No problem.

I am nothere to help.

What is wrong with you?

You know I gave those photos to Jerry.

Why didn'’t you stand up to Mike for me?

It'’s not my nature to get involved.

It'’s totally in your nature.

It'’s the very fiber of your being.

Well, I am cutting back on the fiber.

I'’ve turned over a new leaf.

I'’m not longer a busybody.

Sabrina, I needed your help, and you bailed on me.

Now my job'’s hanging by a thread.

Well, I didn'’t mean to jeopardize your job.

Then why did you?

I Don'’t know.

Why did I let Morgan seduce a married kickboxer?

Why am I letting roxie date a cat?

Roxie'’s dating a cat?

Have you completely lost it?

Yeah! And I think I better go get it back.

Well, you'’re all set, Mr. McCoy.

I just had to adjust your afraidiator.

I was afraid it was going to be moreserious.

But i'’m not anymore.

Thanks a lot.

Hey, buddy, I hate to be one of those customers

but you have to put my busybody part back in.

Removing it gave me a whole other set of problems.

Sorry, Sabrina.

Your part'’s on its way to other realm Japan.

It'’s a delicacy over there.

Well, what am I going to do now?!

Well, you got two choices:

You could marry the chef at planet Sushi

or you can let me give you a brand-new busybody part.

I'’ll go with number two.

I think you'’ll like it.

It'’s a generic part

but at least it doesn'’t smell like a California roll.

Sold. And suddenly hungry.

Okay, I got a new busybody part.

Time to do a little repair work of my own.

Mike, I need to tell you something.

Josh really did give those pictures to Jerry today.

I saw it, but I just didn'’t want to get involved.

Remind me never to choke on a pretzel when you'’re around.

Mike, i'’m back to my old self

which means not only would I speak up for Josh

but i'’d do the heimlich on you.

I'’ll make a note of it.

Great. That'’s all I wanted to say.

Except whoa!

Is that what you'’re paying for your mortgage?

That'’s outrageous!

It'’s also

none of your business.

Everything'’s my business.

Besides, rates are down.

You should refinance

because that mortgage payment?

Come on. I'’ve seen your house.

Talk about an urban blight.

And while we'’re on the subject

stop wearing those striped ties.

El not-o flattering-o.

Sabrina, I didn'’t ask you

about my mortgage or my neckwear.

You have really crossed the line here.

You'’re right. I have!

And somebody'’s going to pay.

Who? Buddy.

Let'’s just hope I saved the receipt.

How it didn'’t occur to hilda

that the handle goes on the outside of the teapot

is beyond me.

She hears the music different than we do.

Hey, zel, favor to ask.

Salem, you already did, and the answer is no.

I can'’t arbitrarily turn you into a man

just so you can date roxie.

The witches council has rules against that.

I cursethe witches council!

Unless they'’re listening

in which case I bow to their punishing wisdom.

Look, so I haven'’t been a perfect cat.

You'’ve been a rotten cat.

Precisely.

But i'’m willing to change for roxie.

I'’m in love with her.

Please, Zelda, make me a man.

Oh, if I had a dollar for every time

some strapping young hunk has said that to me...

Heck! If you had a dime, we'’d all be rich!

[ Goofy laugh]

But seriously, Zelda

roxie has changed me.

She makes me want to be a better cat.

[ Sobbing]: But she won'’t have me unless i'’m a man.

Oh, good lord.

Are those tears?

This is the real thing.

[ Snorting]: That'’s what i'’m trying to tell you.

Well, all right.

I'’ll request a temporary transformation

from the witches council

so you can meet roxie in human form.

But i'’m warning you:

Unless she really is the one, the spell won'’t last.

Yee-haw!

[ Singsong]: I'’m going to be a man, i'’m going to be a man...

[ Gasps]

Oh, my gosh.

What am I going to wear?

First, you better work on the man thing.

Then we'’ll talk.

Here you go. My work here is done.

Thanks.

I can only imagine what parts you replaced.

I had some right-brain work done.

Now I have two fully developed theories

on the time-space continuum.

I'’m sure they'’ll hold up well.

Yeah.

Buddy, that new busybody part isn'’t cutting it.

I'’m worse now than the first time I came in.

Sorry. Sometimes those off-the-shelf parts

can cause a personality glitch

if they'’re not calibrated just right.

This is more than just a glitch.

I'’m totally obnoxious.

Although not half as obnoxious

at that tattoo on your arm.

You really should have that removed.

It'’s a birthmark.

Oh. See?! I'’m out of control.

Stop me before I insist you do something with that hair.

I know what'’s going on here.

Your body'’s rejecting the new part.

Great. Maybe I should just trade it in

for a new set of time-space continuums.

Now, here'’s what i'’m going to do.

I'’m going to take out the new part.

I'’m going to run a complete diagnostic on you...

Find out exactly what makes you tick.

Draw up your specs

scratch-build a custom, original busybody part

identical to your old one

install it and calibrate it.

How long will all that take?

Three minutes.

Fascinating.

Why? What'’s it say?

Well, the original part we took out

was pretty unusual.

In fact, it was much more than just a busybody part.

I swear, if I grow a beard

you'’re in so much trouble.

No, no, no, it'’s not that.

Your busybody part came with a compassion upgrade.

When you were trying to get involved

in everybody'’s business

it was because you were sincerely trying to help.

Go figure.

So, I wasn'’t really a busybody.

I was just concerned about my friends.

Right. You had a rare piece of equipment, Sabrina

which means I gave other realm Japan guy a super deal.

Well, buddy, i'’ve seen your work

and I know you'’re good

so get started on making that other gizmo

and what can I do to help?

[ Pop]

Try to hold still.

I can'’t believe you have a date

with a mysterious stranger named Alejandro

and i'’m stuck here

pretending to be excited for you.

What happened to John karate?

I thought he had everything.

He did. Including a wife anda girlfriend.

I do not play second fiddle to anyone'’s mistress.

Salem [ Singing]: ♪ love, exciting and new...

[ Scatting]

♪ Waiting for da-soo-boo-boo.

Salem: Roxanne, darling.

Alejandro, I can'’t believe we'’re actually meeting.

You'’re exactly as I pictured you.

Ditto, my pet.

Nah, who would have thought a craving for chutney

could lead to an inseparable bond

between two peop... uh...

Alejandro?

Huh? Uh-uh-uh, i'’m listening, my nectar.

No, you were speaking.

Da-da, of course I was!

Just a momentary seizure of elation

caused by your rapturous beauty...

[ Stammering]

[ Panting]

Um... meow!

[ Lusftful sobbing]

Hi, how are you?

I knew it!

You'’re just another pig.

No, no!

Dagnabbit!

Alejandro?

Where did he go?

You lost him already?

That'’s a record, even for you.

[ Salem sobbing]

Hey, Salem.

Nice suit.

Oh, Sabrina, it'’s a sad, sad day.

Zelda turned the cat in me into a man

but the pig in me turned the man back into a cat.

On the bright side, you'’re your own petting zoo.

Thanks a lot, veronique.

My pleasure, Sabrina.

He made it too easy.

[ Snaps fingers]

I'’ve been had!

I'’ve been duped!

Actually, I was duped before I even got the chance to be had.

[ Sobbing]

All right, everybody gather around.

I have a very important announcement to make.

Come on!

Those of you who know me well...

And those of you who hardly know me at all...

Have experienced firsthand what a busybody I can be.

All: Mm-hmm.

You'’re right. I deserved that.

But I want you all to know that there'’s a very good reason

why I get involved in your lives...

And offer advice that you probably Don'’t want to hear.

Is because you'’re a tool of the devil?

No. It'’s because I care about you.

True, you know, on occasion

my advice doesn'’t work out so well...

Okay, quite often and not at all.

Actually, you did me a big favor.

With Morgan out of my life

I can focus on more important things.

Like digging my way out of debt.

That'’s good.

Still, I want to apologize...

For any trouble I may have caused you

in the past.

On the other hand

if you ever need my help, Don'’t hesitate to ask.

I can never turn down a friend in need.

It'’s just not the way i'’m "built."

[ Laughing]

Yeah, you wouldn'’t get that.

Thanks for listening.

Listen, uh, Josh

Sabrina told me that you did give those photos to Jerry.

So I made him look a little harder for the disk.

Lo and behold, he finds them.

Sorry, kiddo.

It'’s cool, Mike.

And i'’m sorry I bailed on you.

I like you much better when you get involved.

Don'’t worry. I plan on staying involved...

Because it'’s part of who I am, and I just can'’t help it.

Of course you can'’t. It'’s in your genes.

Why else would I always be snooping through Zelda'’s purse

or reading her diary?

Hilda!

It'’s because I care.

And caring is everything.

It'’s one of the qualities that makes us unique.

I propose a toast.

To the caring, busybody spellmans.

Uh...

Oh!

Thanks again, Sabrina.

Oh, well, i'’m here to help.

[ Phone rings]

Hello?

No, this isn'’t the Bombay cafe.

You'’ve got the wrong...

How did you know my name was Morgan?

Actually, it'’s Gaelic.

Hey! All right, I know who you are

and...

And I know where you live!

[ Screams]