Original subtitles

Hey, your favorite college girl'’s come to see you.

Felicity'’s here?

I just came to get my tennis racket.

Josh and I are going to go play.

I didn'’t know you still played tennis.

Well, I haven'’t done it in a while

but I figure i'’ll get right back in the swing of it.

Oh, look...

It'’s a letter from your cousin Amanda'’s school.

And it'’s marked "urgent."

No sense in opening all our mail in one day.

Hey, Amanda'’s not as bad as she used to be.

Besides, maybe our school

is giving her an award or something.

No award.

But I was first in my class

to mail myself first class.

Next time, you might want to try

getting all the stamps on the envelope.

Ow.

Just out of curiosity are you doing here

in the middle of a school week?

I need help studying for my witches license.

If I flunk this test i'’ll lose my magic powers.

Pleasewill you help me?

Okay. We'’d be happy to tutor you.

But be forewarned, our witches training program

is very intense.

Yes. Their lessons on hex education

are not for the squeamish.

That'’s because we'’re very thorough.

We made sure that Sabrina knew

that the exact angle when pointing is 45 degrees.

Actually, it'’s 47.

No, it'’s 45.

47.45.

Let'’s call it 46.

Better yet, let'’s call it a day.

Got to go.

♪ Life'’s changing around me, and i'’m gonna make it mine ♪

♪ i'’m reaching out and living by my rules... ♪

♪ Time'’s moving way too fast ♪

♪ I wanna make it last...

♪ '’cause i'’m out on my own now ♪

♪ and I like the way it feels.

Okay, deuce.

[ Music playing]

Whoo!

Oh!

Oh!

That'’s set. 6-3.

That was great.

We really play well together.

Actually, the custom is to shake

then kiss.

Oh, right, like agassi and Sampras at the French open.

That was so much fun.

Let'’s play again tomorrow.

Ooh, no, tomorrow'’s not good for me.

What about Sunday?

Sunday'’s not good either.

My parents are coming to visit.

Oh, right. Well, what about

any morning before work? Pick one.

I Don'’t know... Whatever. Wednesday.

Maybe i'’m crazy, but you Don'’t sound like

you really want to play.

Look, Sabrina, it'’s nothing against you

but I prefer to play with people who are...

You know, at my level.

Well, I thought we were pretty well-matched.

I mean, I won three games.

Technically. The truth is, I was kind of holding back

to make you feel better about yourself.

Gee, thanks. I feel phenomenal.

Hey, it'’s not your fault.

Most girls just aren'’t able to play as well as guys.

You can'’t help it.

It'’s just the way you'’re programmed.

The way we'’re programmed?

What am I, a VCR?

Why Don'’t we just drop it, okay?

I'’m starving. Let'’s go get something to eat.

I Don'’t know.

You know, I think I need to eat with a girl

to keep my skills sharp.

You'’re just not up to my level.

Eating? You know, most girls wouldn'’t want to admit that.

Well, we Don'’t like to brag.

It'’s not the way we'’re programmed.

All right... before we commit to getting cable

we have to discuss the options.

We can go with the premium package

which gives us nine hbo'’s, but no other movie channels.

Or the platinum package

which gives us movie channels

the home surgery network and 16 hbo'’s.

Which option'’s $20 a month?

We get an on-off switch and the German sitcom channel.

You'’re not going to believe what Josh just said.

He had the incredible arrogance

to say that women can'’t play tennis at the same level as men.

He creamed you, didn'’t he?

No, he did not. And even if he did

I mean, there are tons of great women tennis players...

Venus, Serena, martina...

I have to agree with Josh.

When it comes to physical prowess

men are the stronger sex.

There are exceptions.

For the honor of women everywhere

you need to show Josh

you'’re as good a tennis player as he is.

One little problem: I'’m not.

Yet. You can'’t expect to play once a year and be great.

You just need practice.

And you need steroids.

Ooh!

Okay, practice doesn'’t necessarily make perfect.

I need professional help.

Oh... like all women

you suffer from severe tennis envy.

Wrong professional.

Oh, by the way, Dr. Freud, your fly'’s open.

Andy roddick; Much better.

Whoa. This isn'’t wimbledon.

Who are you?

Uh, let'’s put it this way

i'’ve won almost as many grand slams as Anna kournikova.

Sabrina spellman. Big fan.

Nice to meet you, Sabrina.

What can I do for you?

Teach me everything you know about tennis

so I can be as good as my boyfriend.

Oh, and you have to do it in one lesson.

You hit the ball well, Sabrina.

Now you just have to learn how to hit it in the court.

Now you tell me.

That'’s good, Sabrina.

Excellent.

Sorry.

For what?

That was a great shot.

Never apologize for hitting a winner.

Yeah, I guess then you'’d be apologizing all the time.

You got that right.

You have a lot of potential

but the thing you need to work on

is being more competitive.

That'’s the only way you'’re going to win.

I'’ll try that. Thanks, Andy.

You want to go get something to eat?

Thanks, but I should probably get back to wimbledon now.

Oh, yeah, right.

Double, double, boil and trouble.

Dress the cat like Barney rubble.

Well, it looks better on me than it did on John Goodman.

Now you try one, Amanda.

Incantations are so middle ages.

Nobody does them anymore.

That doesn'’t rhyme.

Amanda, incantations are a big part of the test.

If you want the witches council to pass you

you better learn how to do them.

Okay, if you insist.

Incantations are so dumb

make aunt Zelda suck her thumb.

Now you'’re catching on.

I'’ll say it loud. I'’ll say it clear.

Make aunt hilda disappear.

Well done.

I'’ll say.

Now, get me Ann-margrock on the phone.

Okay, now Don'’t hold back this time.

I guarantee you i'’m going to give you a run for your money

even if I am just a girl.

That'’s game. Five-one.

Sabrina, you'’re hitting

the ball really well.

Yeah, but i'’m still losing.

I guess I just Don'’t have it in me to be competitive.

Hey, Josh, I thought that was you.

Dave, what are you doing here?

My partner, he didn'’t show up.

Hey, are you up for another game

when you'’re finished?

Boy, am I.

Just give me a minute while I Polish Sabrina off.

Polish me off?

Shh... i'’ll show him who'’s going to get polished off.

Oh, "competitive Ade."

Mmm... fruity, with a hint of rocket fuel.

Okay, i'’m ready...

To wipe the court with you.

15-love.

I must say, I did love it.

Whoo, my point!

Game, set, match.

That was an amazing comeback, Sabrina.

What happened to you?

Well, I wanted to play at your level

so I just got more competitive.

And I made sure to drink plenty of fluids.

Okay, let'’s go over this cable package one more time.

Mm-hmm.

We'’re getting coax select service with digital four-pack

cable modem ready, reduced-rate digital pay-per-view

and free splitters, right?

Right. Now, will you sign here so I can start wiring?

We'’ve been negotiating for over an hour.

Whoo-hoo. I just beat Josh at tennis.

Congratulations. And congratulations to miles

for getting us a great cable deal.

I'’m not finished yet.

There'’s more?

Oh, yes. And make no mistake

without this we have no deal.

I want a free pen.

He may be a techie nerd

but when it comes to negotiating, he'’s the best.

I Don'’t think so.

I can get us a much more competitive rate.

Hey!

Okay... here'’s what you'’re going to give us:

Everything in this contract plus free hookup

free service for the first three months

all the premium channels at no extra charge

and that pen.

This was my late grandfather'’s pen.

Why should I give it to you?

Because you Don'’t want us

to take our business to another cable company

and i'’m sure your boss wouldn'’t want that either.

You know, i'’d hate to have to write something negative

about you under "customer comments."

Boy, she'’s getting ugly.

She sure is.

See if you can get the naked channel.

The last thing I want is for you to lose your job.

All right.

Change the contract. You win.

Okay, Amanda, this film will show you

all the etiquette rules you need to know

in order to get your witch'’s license.

Look, I want to pass the test

but do I really have to watch some ancient film

about witch etiquette?

Absolutely.

You must learn the proper way to ride a vacuum

to dispose of leftover potions

and to write thank-you notes.

Or we can just watch the end

of my Marilyn video.

I'’ll watch the etiquette film.

Fresh pot of coffee.

And I challenge anyone to make a finer pot.

There she is.

Sabrina, you remember my parents, Ben and geri.

Hey, great to see you again.

I'’ve been meaning to ask you guys

whose idea was "chunky monkey"?

So Josh tells us you'’ve become quite a tennis player.

He says you suddenly developed this wild competitive streak.

I like that.

I like it more than you do.

Well, geri and I play.

Maybe we could book a court, play some doubles tomorrow?

Why wait till tomorrow?

I'’m ready to kick some butt right now.

Race you to the car.

Wow, she really is competitive.

Come on, geri, look alive.

Come on, Ben, look alive.

Yeah, I told you she was good.

That was nice, Sabrina.

I always wanted to do that to him

but he doesn'’t like to play singles with me.

Why not?

He doesn'’t think

i'’m competitive enough.

Apparently, only men are.

Oh, now I see where you got that attitude.

It'’s time to put an end to that.

I propose a battle of the sexes.

Women against men.

Right here, right now, right on.

I Don'’t think that'’s a good idea.

Why not? Afraid we'’ll beat you?

Please.

Well, then stop stalling

and trade places with your mom.

Come on, Josh. If that'’s what the ladies want.

Let'’s Polish them off.

I love this idea, Sabrina.

I finally have a partner who doesn'’t bark orders at me.

Okay, listen up. Play the base line

unless I tell you different.

I'’ll handle everything else.

Stay out of my way.

Oh, and we'’re in this to win; Don'’t forget that.

Well, at least I Don'’t have to wash your socks.

[ Grunts]

What'’s wrong with you, Ben?

Another great shot, Sabrina.

Have you ever thought of playing professionally?

No, it'’s not competitive enough for me.

Hey, what'’s wrong with you wimps?

What? Did you forget to eat your wheaties this morning?

Or did you just forget how to hit a ball?

Oh, by the way, it'’s that yellow fuzzy thing

that keeps flying past you.

Hey, psst.

Would you lighten up a little on dad?

For some reason he doesn'’t like being called wimp

panty-waist or girly-boy.

Hey, i'’m just being competitive.

40-15. Service!

Six-love. We kicked your sorry butts!

Whoo-hoo!

Ah, you know, there'’s nothing like a cup a coffee

after mopping the floor with a couple of losers.

They can barely walk.

Hey, you know, it'’s one thing to win.

It'’s another thing to rub it in our faces.

Hey, you can rub it in our faces if you beat us at bowling.

As if.

We love to bowl, Don'’t we, Ben?

Forget it. I'’m not bowling with you.

I'’m not playing any more sports with you.

Ah, you'’re just upset because you hate that I beat you.

But I love that I beat you.

And I owe it all to Sabrina.

Hey, we rocked, girl.

We sure did, girl.

Even if a certain big baby'’s

too selfish to admit it.

Well, you Don'’t have to worry about me being selfish anymore

because i'’m out of here.

So long, geri.

Dad...

No, no, no... this match brought out a side of your mother

i'’ve never even seen before.

Thanks for helping me see the truth, Sabrina.

Good riddance to you, Ben!

Congratulations, Sabrina.

You just split up Ben and geri.

Josh, I swear I never meant to cause trouble

for your parents.

I thought we were all having a good time.

When do you think dad was having a better time...

When he threw his racket

or when he banged his head against the wall?

It'’s not Sabrina'’s fault.

It'’s your dad and his stupid temper.

Every time the going gets tough

he runs away like a...

What was your term again?

[ Whispering]

Oh, yes.

Panty-waisted girly-boy.

Mom, the man you'’ve been married to

for 25 years may never speak to you again.

Really?

Be a dear and run out for some champagne.

What about dad? We Don'’t even know where he'’s going.

Josh, give me a ride to your place, will you?

I'’m bunking with you.

Hey, now that we'’re all happy

what do you say we go to the park

and kick some butt on the basketball court.

Let'’s go, girl.

I'’ll read the list of ingredients

and you tell me what the potion is for.

Three cups of mashed entrails...

Rodent of your choice and a wart.

Remember how hard it used to be to find warts?

Thank heaven for wart-mart.

Amanda, do you have the answer?

Amanda?

Aman...?

[ Hip-hop music playing]

Dear, you really must start paying attention.

I'’m sorry.

It'’s just that this

has nothing to do with real life.

Hello? You'’re a witch.

Right.

Maybe it would help

if you actually put some potions together.

Start with this one.

You'’ll find everything you need in the pantry.

Eye of newt is under the snackwells.

Okay, everything'’s in there.

Here we go.

"Spider, lizard, beak of parrot

turn into a juicy carrot."

That'’s a ferret, not a carrot.

It'’s close enough.

Not if you'’re making a salad.

We'’re getting nowhere.

I think we need to try a different approach.

I'’m beginning to think

we'’re just not cut out for teaching.

Good thing I Don'’t make my living that way.

Oh, wait. I do.

[ Man speaking korean]

Why are you watching

who wants to be a korean millionaire?

Remember the cable guy you emasculated?

This is his way of getting back at us.

500 channels... all korean.

I'’m trying to put a positive spin on it

by learning the language.

[ Man speaking korean]

That either means "I love you"

or "pass the kimchi."

Possibly both.

I can'’t believe the cable guy would rip us off this way.

This is very unprofessional behavior.

Perhaps he was reacting to your behavior

which was just plain ugly.

I have to say

the McLaughlin group

is just as compelling in korean.

Well, i'’ll tell you what you can do

with your all-Asian package...

Oh, yeah?

Well, me and my ugly attitude will see you in court.

Sounds like the cable thing isn'’t working out.

[ Gasps]

And your face is a bit of a train wreck, too.

What are you talking about?

Let'’s just say you put the "ecch" in reflection.

[ Screams]

I'’ll go out on a limb

and guess you'’re under some kind of spell.

All I did was drink a potion to make me more competitive.

Why did it make me look ugly?

Well, have you been acting ugly?

It'’s been mentioned.

Perhaps your new competitive side

has made you ugly before your time.

I have to reverse the potion.

Oh, that'’s much better.

Now i'’ve got a big mess to go clean up.

I was going to take care of it, but...

Thank you.

[ Man speaking korean]

coming up next on total request live

find out which backstreet boy is lactose intolerant.

Wow, our cable'’s fixed. Great.

For you.

I was just about to watch

the north versus southkorean barbecue cook-off.

Hey, those are great.

Especially the one of the Elvis impersonator.

That'’s my aunt Charlotte.

Sorry. Must be the light in here.

Look, I came to apologize.

My behavior was ugly.

And I feel awful

about how it affected your parents.

Forget about my parents.

What'’s going on with you?

I'’ve never seen you act this way.

I know.

I guess it just really upset me

when you said you were going to Polish me off.

I said that?

That'’s the same thing dad says to mom when they play.

Hey, tell me something.

Have I ever yelled, "this is a road, not a parking lot"?

Only every time we drive.

Oh, my god, i'’ve become my father.

I'’m just as aggressive and competitive as he is.

I guess we just need to remember that this competition thing

can get really out of hand.

Hey, I promise to lighten up if you do.

Deal.

Now, what are we going to do about my parents?

Maybe if we can get them back out on the court

they'’ll see how much fun we'’re having

and they'’ll lighten up, too.

You know parents... The only way they learn

is by example.

Worth a shot.

Hey, if I become my father

and my father becomes me...

Am I my own grandpa?

Aunt hilda, aunt Zelda, thanks for trying

but i'’m mailing myself back to school.

Zelda: Not so fast.

[ Hip-hop playing]

♪ Yo, witch, it'’s like this ♪

♪ i'’m tenacious z, I got something to say ♪

♪ and i'’m notorious h-i-l-d-a ♪

♪ you'’ll pass the test if you learn this rap ♪

♪ before you know it you'’ll be queen of the zap ♪

♪ mix a cup of lizards with some unicorn toes ♪

♪ fold in some egg whites, out comes a Rose ♪

You listening, witch?

I'’m listening.

♪ Then listen up good, you got potions to learn ♪

♪ lint and boils in a pewter urn ♪

♪ all stirred up makes a tasty treat ♪

♪ to knock a gremlin off his feet ♪

♪ you'’re learnin'’ ♪

♪ learnin'’ ♪

♪ i'’m learnin'’ ♪

♪ i'’m not so sure ♪

♪ yo, check this

♪ if you want a potion to create an ocean ♪

♪ mix salt and kelp, and you got locomotion ♪

♪ then add some wind, and a couple of fish ♪

♪ and before you know it... Swish, swish, swish ♪

♪ i'’m learnin'’ ♪

♪ she'’s learnin'’ ♪

♪ i'’m gonna pass that test ♪ and be the best. ♪

Oh, thank god.

Good. Now we can put on garth Brooks.

Hey, where'’s your dad?

Said he was going to meet us here.

Where'’s my mom?

Said she was going to meet us here.

Ben: Ball, please.

Dad? Mom?

You guys are actually playing together?

Well, if you can call what she'’s doing playing.

If i'’m not playing

how come i'’m winning two-love?

A lucky bounce, glare, and a bad call on a great serve.

It was out!

Boy, we'’ve got a lot of work to do with these two.

How do you want to start?

We get in the car, we never look back.

You want to leave them like this?

I thought we were going

to set an example.

They'’re together, they'’re talking.

With them, that'’s as good as it gets.

You really think so?

This is who they are.

They'’re never going to change.

The good news is, that I can.

That is good news.

Race you to the car?

Have you learned nothing? Sorry.

Hey!

I'’ve got to work on that.

You'’re playing well, Sabrina

but i'’ve got to get rolling

i'’m just going to Polish you off

and then i'’m out of here.

Polish me off.

Well, I guess it wouldn'’t hurt to have one more little drink.

Okay, i'’m ready to play.

Amazing.

Is there any chance you'’ll play mixed doubles

with me at wimbledon?

No, you know, i'’m not really into

the whole competitive thing.