Original subtitles

Hilda, I am so proud of you.

Who would have thought that my sister would head

the charity even to benefit the westbridge library?

Not me.

Considering the last book she read was yertle the turtle.

Sabrina, pass me that hockey stick.

I just found a new puck.

Face-off.

Oh, have mercy, miladies!

Remember, charity begins at home.

Oh, you'’re right.

Should we donate him to goodwill or the neighbor'’s rottweiler?

[ Gasps]

Speaking of donations

have you taken my idea to auction off

a celeb for a dream date?

Yeah, Brad Pitt said it'’s a tossup

between this and the picnic for the 4-h club.

There'’s got to be people willing

to auction themselves off for a good cause.

Sure, Joe schmoe will auction himself off.

The trick is finding someone hot

who people will pay big bucks for.

There is someonei can get you who'’s guaranteed

to send people reaching deep into their wallets.

Mel Gibson?

Mary, queen of Scots?

Cedric the entertainer?

Me.

Wow, zellie, you look great.

Yeah, fantastic.

You know, a date with you

will definitely get the library a new wing

maybe even a new branch.

Puh-lease!

Put mein that gown

and you would have taken me in a hot minute.

Mmm!

No, definitely not.

Mm-mmm. no, uh-uh.

♪ Life'’s changing around me, and i'’m gonna make it mine ♪

♪ i'’m reaching out and living by my rules... ♪

♪ Time'’s moving way too fast ♪

♪ I wanna make it last...

♪ '’cause i'’m out on my own now ♪

♪ and I like the way it feels.

[ Ceramic clinking]

Oh! Agh!

Lovely.

That was going to be myline.

Wow, Derek.

I never thought i'’d see youagain.

Yeah, I guess things didn'’t end on the best of terms

but, uh, I wanted to let you know that i'’ve changed a lot.

Apparently. I see you'’re carrying a very big purse.

[ Chuckling]

Actually, it'’s my portfolio.

I'’ve been painting.

People actually like my stuff.

I'’m going to be having my own show soon.

Wow, that'’s fantastic.

Yeah, how about you? Your writing?

Got woodward and Bernstein shaking in their boots?

Oh, i'’m just an intern.

But i'’m working on a big story.

"Ordering lunchgate."

Yeah, well, i'’ve been working at the Boston citizen.

Josh is a photographer there, and he turned me on to the gig.

Josh...? Josh!

Oh, that was your on-again/off-again guy, right?

Was. but we'’ve been

very much on for the last eight months.

Good for him. He got a great girl.

Thanks. Well, you mind

if I take a peek at some of your work?

I thought you'’d never ask.

You know, I didn'’t know

that you were interested in art.

Oh, wow!

These are good.

What do you call this one?

Incantations.

Wow, I love it.

I mean, it'’s got such a range of emotion.

You know, the blues are so seductive

and the reds are so passionate.

Yeah, the green represents rebirth.

Yeah, I got that.

Wow, I could get completely lost in this painting.

Derek, you have so much depth.

What are you doing?

I thought I felt some of the old electricity between us.

You know me. I'’m passionate. I like to grab the moment.

Yeah, i'’m passionate, and I like to grab my boyfriend, Josh.

And then out of nowhere, we'’re in a lip lock.

Oh, my god.

I can'’t believe you kissed him!

I didn'’t kiss him. He kissed me.

Tongue?

What? I'’m trying to act interested.

Oh, this is such total dish.

Morgan, Don'’t you dare say anything to anyone.

The last thing Sabrina needs is Josh finding out

before she'’s had a chance to tell him herself.

Are you insane?

Sabrina can'’t tell Josh what happened.

All: Why not?

Because if she does

her relationship will be over.

Men see the world in black and white.

I beg to differ.

My day is often a pale palette of gray.

A kiss is a kiss

no matter who initiated it.

If you tell Josh, he'’ll be furious

get insanely jealous, break up with you, end of story.

Don'’t you think Josh is deeper and more enlightened than that?

The guy dated Morgan.

Good point.

So, according to yourscenario, Sabrina keeps her mouth shut

Josh finds out from some stranger off the street

and never trusts Sabrina again.

Hey, if it ever comes to that

Sabrina just denies the whole thing completely.

You know, I have to agree with roxie.

I-I could never feel comfortable with Josh

if I had to carry around this big, dark secret.

You know, I mean

how many secrets can one girl handle?

What other secrets are you carrying around?

Long story.

Hey, Josh.

Hey.

How'’s it going?

Good. I mean, not good... You kn... well, not bad.

It might sound bad

but I think if you hear me out, you'’ll realize

that i'’m absolutely crazy about you

and there'’s no need to overreact.

Are you all right? I am. And I think you will be too

if you listen carefully

and try not to jump to conclusions.

Sabrina, what'’s going on?

Derek stopped by the coffeehouse last night.

Derek? Wait, that guy you used to date?

Yeah, he'’s an artist now.

And he wanted to show me some of his paintings.

You know, they were decent... blues, reds, that sort of thing.

Anyway, before I knew it, Derek kissed me.

Really? wait! You said you'’d hear me out.

The kiss came out of absolutely nowhere.

I immediately pushed him away

told him that he was out of line

and that you and I are totally together.

It meant absolutely nothing. You have to believe me!

I do believe you.

You do?

Of course. You couldn'’t help it

if the guy'’s still hot for you.

Now i'’ve got to finish organizing these photos.

I Don'’t know, you know. It just couldn'’t

have been very easy for you to hear this.

And I want you to know that you Don'’t have to Bury

your overwhelming jealousy and rage behind your work.

I gotcha. Now Mike needed these

on his desk five minutes ago.

I'’ll call you later.

Well, that went well.

I guess.

Should I auction off my hula hoop separately

or package it with this cauldron?

Hilda, you'’re supposed to come up

with stuff that people actually want to buy.

At least you'’ve got oneitem

that'’s guaranteed to bring in the big bucks.

I remember when I was bought at an auction by charlemagne.

I went for six chickens and prussia.

So, how did it go?

Definitely not the way I expected.

I knew it! I told you.

Wow, i'’m shocked. Josh always struck me

as the kind of guy who would understand.

That'’s just it. He didunderstand.

I told him about the kiss.

He said he trusted me, kissed me on the cheek

and said he'’d call me later.

Sabrina, that'’s great.

Yeah, even I would have been compelled

to mumble a mild profanity.

Well, if it'’s so great, then why do I feel unsatisfied?

Duh! Because you were expecting a more passionate response.

The guy who is supposed

to be in love with you is treating you

like you'’re his sister or a roommate

or a sofa or a dogor a...

Okay, I get the picture.

I think the fact that Josh didn'’t get

all emotional and crazy is a good thing.

No, Josh putting his fist through a wall is a good thing.

"I trust you, honey," peck on the cheek:

Kiss of death.

Okay, now i'’m unsatisfied andconfused.

Well, hilda, it looks like

your charity auction is a smashing success.

Thanks, zellie. And thank you, Harvey

for volunteering to serve the hors d'’oeuvres.

Oh, my pleasure. I also wanted to see how much

personalized Harvey kinkle hockey sticks go for.

I'’m guessing big bucks.

I bundled them with my hula hoop

and a basket of perfumed soaps.

Oh, look, zellie.

Someone'’s coming to bid on you.

Hmm...

"Enjoy a delightful evening of intellectual discourse

"with a brilliant, stunning Ph.D.

"Who'’s been published

"in countless scientific journals.

See addendum for other irresistible credentials."

I wrote it myself. What do you think?

Unless William f. Buckley shows up, I hope you'’ve got

swimsuit photos in the addendum.

Wow, he didn'’t even make it to the addendum.

Well, he was obviously too intimidated to bid

with his fantasy woman standing right here.

Maybe it'’s best if I slip away quietly

so the bidding frenzy can begin.

You'’re the genius of the family.

[ Loudly]: Well, i'’m off.

But first, let me say

congratulations in advance to the lucky man

who forks over a boatload of cash

for an unsurpassed evening of intellectual ecstasy

with this red-hot renaissance woman.

I could go on...

Oh, please do. Go on.

Hey, Salem.

Are my aunts around?

I'’ve got a smile and an entire cheesecake.

What do you think?

Well, where are they?

They'’re at the charity auction.

Now if you'’ll excuse me

i'’m about to sink my teeth into the new Francesca flaum novel.

"Ravage me mucho, bubeleh"?

Francesca'’s the best-selling author in the other realm.

Paws down, she'’s the queen of passion and romance.

Wow, do you think there'’s a chance

that she would give me some romantic advice?

About as much chance as you getting

a slice of this cheesecake.

Hmm.

Hey...

"As the beads of sweat multiplied

"like rabid protozoa

they professed their love forever."

Wow, that'’s beautiful.

[ Sighing]: I know.

What I Don'’t know is who youare

and what you'’re doing in my office.

You have a heart-shaped bed in your office?

A stranger and a decorator.

Lovely combo.

Sorry. I'’m Sabrina spellman, and I was hoping you could help me.

See, when I told my boyfriend that my old boyfriend kissed me

he barely reacted at all.

A-ha!

An insecure female protagonist

with a disturbingly passive paramour.

Oh, my dear, I have written

your character a thousand times.

Great, i'’m a stereotype.

But the character i'’m worried about

is the passive paramour.

I mean, if my boyfriend really cared about me

wouldn'’t he have had a more passionate response?

You want him more jealous?

Yeah, I guess.

Oh, I can do that. What do you mean?

Oh, I have everyone'’s love life on file.

I'’ll just do

a rewrite on yourlove interest.

Let me see, now...

Hmm-hmm-hmm-hmm...

Oh, i'’m guessing that would be Harvey?

Oh, no, no, that'’s the early chapters.

My boyfriend now is Josh.

Oh, yes, I see that.

Ooh! He has that new rugged look.

Well, i'’d better get started.

I just need to fetch my writing tool.

Oh, tool!

Wow, that'’s some laptop.

And he'’s not even booted up.

Well, that worked out. I had Francesca

rewrite Josh for me. Next time I see him

i'’ll get that passionate response i'’ve been waiting for.

[ Knocking at door]

Oh, that'’s him.

[ Gasping]

I can'’t have company see me like this.

Ah...

Hi, Josh.

Finally. I'’ve been looking all over town for you.

You'’re hiding him here, aren'’t you?

Hiding who?

That dirtbag, Derek.

Tell me where he is or i'’ll tear this house apart

closet by closet, drawer by drawer.

Josh, Derek'’s not here, and even if he was

he wouldn'’t fit in a drawer.

A-ha! You'’re hiding him in the dining room, aren'’t you?

I think Francesca may have gone

a little bit overboard on the jealousy thing.

Don'’t blame Francesca.

She didn'’t have squat to work with.

He'’s upstairs, isn'’t he?

No, look, you'’re acting crazy.

Well, how am I supposed to act

after hearing about that kiss?

I'’m still trying to figure that out.

Listen, maybe we should reschedule tonight.

Uh, I just remembered I have this thing

I have to rewrite as soon as possible.

What thing? A love letter to Derek?

Hey! Come out of there. I know you'’re in there!

Okay, you know what?

You need to go home and get some rest.

How am I supposed to rest

when every time I close my eyes

I see you and that sleazeball kissing behind my back?

Uh...

Try a little St. John'’s wort.

Good night.

Well, I can'’t have a relationship

with a jealous freak.

I thought you said Francesca was

the greatest romance novelist of all time.

What can I say?

Every now and then, she writes a stinker.

Nice technique.

I'’ve got an emergency.

Where'’s Francesca?

Off on another Julia Roberts romantic crisis.

Boy, for a pretty woman, she sure goes through them.

Well, wh-when is she going to be back?

With Julia, hard to say.

Two weeks...

Maybe never.

What?

Well, you mean I might be stuck with Josh

as a jealous lunatic forever?

On the bright side, I will have more time to work

on my... biceps.

This is ridiculous.

I can'’t spend the rest of my life

with a boyfriend who puts his fist through walls.

For one thing, i'’ll lose my security deposit.

Sabrina, I would love to help you

but I am no writer.

Wait a minute.

I'’m a writer.

I mean, if I can crank out a newspaper article

at a moment'’s notice, i'’m sure I can rewrite a romance novel.

I'’m willing to do anything I can to help.

I am fabrizio!

Why are you taking your shirt off?

That is what Francesca always has me do.

But if it is distracting

I will put it back on.

No, no, no, no.

Hey, if it'’s good enough for Francesca

it is good enough for me.

Harvey, people are fighting like crazy

over your hockey sticks

but no one has bid on Zelda.

That'’s because my hockey sticks didn'’t brag

about how brilliant and beautiful they are.

But Zelda isbrilliant and beautiful.

I'’ve got to be able to squeeze some cash out of that somehow.

Yo!

Check out this table.

Who will be

the lucky man to snap up the most valuable prize here?

Well, here comes

a man who knows a good value

when he sees one.

You bet I do.

These shortbread cookies are worth triple the price.

You chose cookies over my sister?

Well, they'’re from Scotland.

Oh, those are the best!

Yeah.

Steeling herself with an inner strength

heretofore unknown

Sabrina assures Josh that Derek'’s kiss meant nothing

but Josh, still fearful that he might lose his beloved

eloquently expresses his heartfelt sensitivity

to Sabrina.

[ Sniffling]

Wow, I moved you to tears.

Am I that good?

No, it...

That is what Francesca always has me do.

But if it is distracting, I can stop.

Hey, you know, your choice.

Great.

There'’s my sensitive Josh.

Now i'’ll finally get that heartfelt response

i'’ve been waiting for.

Oh, Sabrina, thank god you'’re here!

I'’m ready to lose my mind.

What happened? A customer asked you for a refill?

No, it'’s that boyfriend of yours.

Oh, Sabrina...

Please Don'’t go!

I can'’t bear the thought of my life without you in it.

Gross!

He is even more pathetic now

than when he was dull and passionless.

I know you must hate me for acting like this

for unveiling my weak side to you.

Josh, get a grip.

But i'’m devastated

that your lips have touched another man'’s!

Okay, this is definitely not

what I had in mind.

I know I can be a little clingy and needy, but I can change...

Yeah, well, the sooner the better.

Well?

Take your shirt off.

We'’ve got writing to do.

Harvey, the bidding is almost over

and Zelda'’s sheet is still blank.

This will be terrible for her self-esteem.

I Don'’t think

the "red-hot renaissance woman" has a self-esteem problem.

Trust me, she may come off totally confident

and self-possessed, but she'’ll be devastated.

I'’ve got to do something.

Please, i'’m begging you!

Somebody date my precious, wonderful, sweet sister!

Or she'’s going to make my life a living hell.

No way.

With a pompous attitude like Zelda'’s

you should pay us to go out with her.

Now you'’re talking.

Give me a grand, and i'’ll tolerate her for an evening.

I'’ll put up with her for $950.

You must be insane.

You'’re right.

I'’ll stay with my hockey stick and soap basket.

You think i'’d actually pay someone to date my sister?

All right, $900 and not a penny more.

[ Doorbell rings]

Oh, there'’s Josh.

Whoo!

Okay, I worked really hard on this rewrite.

I'’ve UN-psychoed him, i'’ve De-wimped him.

I know this is going to be the Josh for me.

All right, woman.

I'’m taking you away from Derek once and for all.

Our burros are outside

and we have Nazis to hunt down.

Oh, this romance writing is a lot harder than it looks.

That was quick.

What was wrong with the latest Josh?

Let'’s just say

my idea of a romantic evening is not hunting down Klaus Barbie.

Francesca: I'’m back!

Ooh, so are you.

I thought I finished your rewrite.

Unfortunately, it didn'’t work.

Josh became way too jealous.

So in your absence

I did a couple of rewrites

but they were complete disasters.

Everyone'’s a writer.

Sabrina, it sounds to me

like you Don'’t know how you want Josh to react.

So perhaps it'’s best if we start over

work from the original draft.

An excellent idea.

An excellent idea would be

for you to wash and fluff Mr. Chow.

Julia Roberts just shed all over him.

Now...

Let me quickly reread the problem chapter.

And after I get a sense of it

then we'’ll figure out our approach.

[ Incanting]: Writing romance novels is not an easy craft.

Take me back to Sabrina'’s original draft.

A-ha.

Aw...

No wonder none of the other rewrites worked out.

What are you talking about?

Sabrina, as with any good story

you need to read between the lines.

Examine the gestures, the expressions, hmm?

Derek stopped by the coffeehouse last night.

Derek?

That guy you used to date?

I see a very emotional reaction here.

Really?

The news cut like a dagger

through Josh'’s heart.

Could Sabrina'’s old boyfriend Derek have rekindled

the flame between them?

Yeah, he'’s an artist now.

He wanted to show me some of his paintings.

You know, they were decent... Reds, blues, that sort of thing.

Anyway, before I know it, Derek kissed me.

Josh'’s heart started pumping wildly.

Would his one true love leave him sad, desperate

and pining for her for the rest

of his born days?

Really?

Wait! You said you'’d hear me out.

The kiss came out of absolutely nowhere.

I immediately pushed him away

told him that he was out of line

and that you and I are totally together.

It mean absolutely nothing.

You have to believe me.

I do believe you.

And Josh didbelieve her.

And he could see

that Sabrina'’s words wereheartfelt.

And he knew that they had built

a strong bond of trust between them.

And he loved her more than ever.

Wow, you know, looking back at it

Josh seems so much more...

Romantic?

Sabrina, the reason why none of the other rewrites worked

is because the original story was perfect the way it was.

Yeah, I guess so.

Many times

people mistake jealousy

and insecurity for passion.

But true love is built on trust and mutual respect.

Thanks, Francesca.

You know, for helping me read between the lines.

[ Pager beeps]

Oh!

That'’s the newspaper paging me.

Well, if you ever need me

to write a hard news story for you

i'’m much better with that.

Oh, thank you, dear.

Fabrizio!

Now it'’s my turn to get washed and fluffed.

Hey, burning the midnight oil?

Yeah, a man'’s got to do what a man'’s got to do.

And a girl'’s got to let her man do what he does

because changing him will only get her into trouble.

Say that again?

It'’s not important.

Is Mike here? I think he paged me.

No, it'’s just you and me and Henri.

Who'’s Henri?

I am Henri.

Good evening, mademoiselle.

I'’ll be your waiter tonight.

What?

What'’s going on?

Oh, just your average photographer boyfriend

having a romantic dinner

with his not-so-average journalist girlfriend.

Henri, lights, please.

Wow, Josh, this is unbelievable.

No, you'’re unbelievable.

I guess i'’ve always known that

but for some reason it really hit me

when you told me about that kiss.

It did?

Yeah, I have to admit

at first, I was a little jealous.

And then I found myself getting insecure...

Yeah, let'’s not forget your Nazi-hunting phase.

What?

Go on.

Well, then I realized

I had no reason to get all crazy.

And one of the things

I love most about you is that I know I can trust you.

Is this making any sense?

Totally.

"And she fell into his arms bathed in the contentment

that she had found the Josh she had always dreamed of."

Wow, you should write romance novels.

You know, I think i'’ll just stick with the romance.

And then after I finished my fellowship at the sorbonne

I took a brief sabbatical at Oxford.

Uh-huh. Can you pass the steak sauce?

Larry, I hate to be tacky...

Uh-huh?

But what did the bidding

finally close at for this date?

Oh, 900 big ones.

Really?

That'’s an impressive figure.

I still say you got me cheap.

What do you mean igot youcheap?

I should have held out for a grand.

Wait a minute.

Let me understand this.

You'’re saying you were given money

to go on a date with me?

Yeah, didn'’t your sister tell you?

Hilda'’s going to pay for this.

She already did.