Original subtitles

Aunt hilda, what'’s going on?

I came over as soon as I got your message.

It'’s Zelda.

She and professor carlin broke up... for good this time.

At least that'’s what it sounded like through the keyhole.

Poor aunt Zelda, she must be devastated.

Whoa. [ Sniffing]

What is that delicious smell?

That, my dear, is the sweet smell of heartbreak.

Every time Zelda has a really horrific breakup, she cooks.

Well, that sounds like a sensible way

to deal with an emotional crisis.

Oh, hi, Sabrina.

I made appetizers.

Go ahead, take two.

They'’re small.

Mutton?

Unfortunately, she'’s had the same breakup menu for the last 400 years.

And the more upset she is, the bigger the spread.

She seems pretty upbeat.

Maybe she'’s not as upset as you think.

Dinner is served.

Okay, maybe she is upset.

And I need to pull out my big jeans.

♪ Life'’s changing around me, and i'’m gonna make it mine ♪

♪ i'’m reaching out and living by my rules... ♪

♪ Time'’s moving way too fast ♪

♪ I wanna make it last...

♪ '’cause i'’m out on my own now ♪

♪ and I like the way it feels.

Dig in, everyone!

And make sure you leave room for dessert.

I made my specialty: Honeyed calf marrow.

[ Gasping]: In a cup or a cone?

Aunt Zelda, look, are you okay?

I heard about your breakup with professor carlin.

Oh, please.

Getting rid of Arthur is the best thing

I could ever have done.

And now that the last decent man

on the planet wants absolutely nothing to do with me,

i'’m free to return to the carefree,

fabulous life of a single woman.

[ Sobbing]: Try the haggis

while it'’s still warm.

I feel so bad for aunt Zelda.

We can'’t just sit here and gorge ourselves

while she'’s in there crying her eyes out.

Sure we can.

Dibs on the snout.

Fine, but I get the ears.

[ Cauldrons bubbling][ Sobbing]

Oh, no.

Aunt Zelda, Don'’t cry.

Well, you'’re right.

I'’m making the gruel salty.

Oh, that'’s okay.

It'’ll cut the sweetness from the calf marrow.

I just want to say that

I Don'’t like the way professor carlin treated you.

Oh, this isn'’t just about Arthur.

It'’s about the monumental mess i'’ve made of my love life.

Yeah, aunt hilda said

you'’ve done a lot of cooking over the years.

It'’s true.

But it'’s not the men

who walked away from me that i'’m upset about.

It'’s the man I walked away from... Gabriel.

The archangel?

No, that was hilda'’s squeeze.

My Gabriel was a poet.

A free-spirited witch

who asked me to run away with him, get married,

climb the himalayas, travel the galaxy.

[ Sniffles]

Like a fool, I said no, sent him on his merry way.

Why? He sounds so perfect.

Or is "merry" a euphemism for something?

Oh, I was a young lass

and thought my work and my research

were more important than love.

Saying no to Gabriel was my biggest regret.

Here, look.

This was taken just before he asked me to marry him.

Wow! He'’s like a total babe.

Look at this guy.

I can'’t believe you let such a gorgeous hunk get away.

[ Crying]

Okay, well, I guess I can scratch therapist

off my list of career options.

Muttonloaf?

You can cross sandwich maker

off your list of career options.

Hey, did you take this picture?

Oh, yeah. They'’re so sweet.

She broke up with him in high school,

but he carried a torch for her for almost 60 years

until they found each other again.

All that wasted time.

Yeah. Isn'’t it amazing how one decision

can change your entire life?

I mean, what if they had gotten together back then?

Well, she would have spent the last 60 years

as Mrs. Henry hungerdunger.

Yeah, and we'’d be reading

about all the great times they had together.

Wow, if you could only change the past.

But you can'’t.

Maybe youcan'’t.

Got to go.

There'’s got to be something on this magic cd-rom

to change aunt Zelda'’s past.

Oh, I can'’t imagine going through life

with a giant regret hanging over my head.

Hey, I regret not invading Iceland

when I had the chance, but you Don'’t hear me bellyaching.

If I could just go back in time

I could-convince her to say "yes"

instead of "no" and all her problems would be solved.

There'’s got to be a way.

Spokesman: There is!

Just log onto www.Visitthepast.Com

and your time travel worries will be over.

Talk about direct marketing.

[ Computer beeps]

Welcome to visitthepast. Com

your other realm Internet time travel specialists

serving our community for over three-and-a-half weeks.

Look at these choices.

"Right past wrongs."

"Witness the creation of the universe."

"Find lost keys."

If it'’s a specific moment in time you'’d like to return to

we'’ll need a visual record of the event.

I know just the thing.

Hey, zellie, you got any more homemade brew?

It'’s frabulous.

I want to go back to the moment this picture was taken.

No problem.

But first i'’m required to inform you that

visitthepast.com is not responsible

for the outcome of your trip

or the altering of the time-space continuum.

Time travelers have been known

to experience nausea, vomiting and premature hair loss.

Tax and license not included.

Your biggest worry will be the fallout

if Zelda discovers you'’ve been messing around with her life.

Well, she'’s not exactly thrilled with the way it'’s going now.

Besides, she doesn'’t need to know about it.

Anything else?

Just keep your hands and arms

inside the wormhole at all time.

Happy traveling!

Smart and true

sweet, not shrew

brains and beauty

oh, what a view.

Oh, Gabriel, that was inspired.

One guess who inspired it.

[ Beatnik clears throat]

Hey, man, i'’m doing a life magazinelayout

on up-and-coming poets.

How about a shot of you and your lady?

Whew!

That web site guy was right.

Time travel does make you nauseous.

Zelda, there'’s something I have to ask you.

Oh, it'’s natural, all right.

No. Something much deeper.

I want us to roam the galaxy

explore the stars

the sea and the sand;

take each day as it comes

together.

Zelda spellman

I love you.

Will you marry me?

Oh, Gabriel, I love you, too.

But what about my work, my...

Aunt Zelda, wait!

Before you say anything...

I beg your pardon.

Did you just call me "aunt" Zelda?

Duh. Haven'’t been born yet.

Uh, I meant it in that, you know

"hey, daddio," "hey, auntio" hepcat sort of way.

So, what can I get you crazy kids?

Would you excuse us?

We'’re in the middle of something

kind of important here.

And what is more important than nourishment

besides marrying your soul mate?

So, if you are lucky enough to find that person, hint, hint.

I suggest taking him up on that offer

and trying the shrimp salad.

It'’s enough for three. Trust me.

You'’re absolutely right.

Gabriel, I will marry you.

And dressing on the side.

Zelda, you have made me the happiest man in the world.

Woo-hoo!

Well, that went well.

Oh, weird.

Time travel makes you nauseous and hungry.

All i'’m saying is, the hair is a little retro.

The whole Cher thing has to go.

And all i'’m saying is, i'’m not taking fashion advice

from a woman who dresses like a giant pink rabbit

to go to chem lab.

Sabrina: Hey, guys.

How old is this cheese?

Excuse me. Who are you?

And why are your grubby hands all over my string cheese?

Sorry.

Since when did you get

so possessive about your dairy products?

Since I saw a complete stranger rummaging through my fridge.

I'’m not a stranger; I'’m your roommate Sabrina.

Right! And i'’m lady bird Johnson.

Miles: Hey, who'’s the chick?

And how come she'’s allowed to touch your cheese?

Wait a minute. None of you know who I am?

Well... then I-I guess I should probably, you know

go check out something on my computer!

Stop her!

Ooh!

Okay, there'’s got to be a simple explanation.

I'’ll just log onto that web site and...

[ Pounding on door and shouting]

Hey, where'’s my computer?

Where'’s all my stuff?

We'’re busting this door down three, two, one!

She'’s gone.

God, that felt great.

I'’ve always dreamt of kicking in a door.

And since I did the kicking, you can keep on dreaming.

Okay, Don'’t panic.

I'’ll just slip in, grab my magic book

and make sense of what'’s going on.

Which would be a lot easier if my key fit the lock.

I thought I heard someone at the door.

Sabrina, what are you doing?

Oh, you know, I just came over to say "hi"

and grab a couple of things from my old room.

Hey, where'’s the piano?

Sabrina, are you. All right?

Yeah, i'’m fine.

Really? Because we'’ve never had a piano

and you Don'’t have a room here, old or otherwise.

Okay, this is house number two i'’ve never lived in.

Sabrina! Always a delight to see you in our home.

Well, something worked out right.

You are married, right?

Of course. We'’ve been married for years.

Huh, no need to thank me.

Why would we?

Something'’s definitely wrong with her.

She also thinks she used to live here.

Oh, this is what happens

when you eat a whole can of frosting for breakfast.

[ Laughs]

So, refresh my memory

which isn'’t as good as it used to be.

Where would I find aunt hilda?

Sabrina, now you'’re really scaring me, dear.

You live with hilda and Salem.

God, I hate that smug pottymouth.

And i'’m not crazy about the cat, either.

Gabriel.

Sorry.

Would you excuse me?

I'’m hosting a salon.

Today they'’re discussing which came first:

The poet or the rhyme.

Oh, well, i'’m waiting for the movie.

Okay, well, i'’ll let you two get back to your domestic bliss

and i'’ll just go to my place.

You wouldn'’t happen to know the address, would you?

Well, the key fits

so, unfortunately, this must be home.

Finally.

You know, you forgot to fold up your cot this morning.

Why are you dressed like that?

Trying to class up the act a little.

Salem'’s idea. He'’s a genius.

You'’re a ventriloquist?

Of course I am.

Yup.

And me and my dummy are going straight to the top.

That is, if my dummy'’d quit moving her lips

and let me do the talking.

If I Don'’t move my lips

people will think i'’m not doing anything.

And that, Einstein, would be the act.

[ Rumbling]

Whoa! What'’s going on?!

[ Train passes]Why are we living in a dump?!

Hey, what are you complaining about?

You'’ve got a roof over your head.

More or less.

Oh! I Don'’t get any of this.

I mean, i'’m supposed to be in college.

[ Laughs]

Yeah, right. Between your grades

and what a ventriloquist brings home, I Don'’t think so.

Aunt hilda, there'’s something I have to tell you.

I went back in time

I convinced aunt Zelda to marry Gabriel

and screwed up everything.

What?

This isn'’t our real life.

In reality, aunt Zelda didn'’t marry Gabriel.

We all lived together.

And you were very happy, owned a successful business

and were dating the president of a university.

And no one considered the cat the brains of the operation.

She'’s lying.

You inflicted this life on me?

Yes, but i'’m sure I can get it back.

Well, i'’m pretty sure.

I just have to get back on that web site now.

Where'’s your computer?

Oh, I sent it out to get detailed

along with my rolls Royce.

Hey, hildie, chop chop, it'’s show time!

Oh, right. Now, if you'’ll excuse me

Salem and I are booked at the off-ramp inn on route 17.

We'’re opening for carrot top.

Where am I going to find a computer?

Hi.

There you are.

I was getting worried about you.

Ah, thank goodness!

I know this isn'’t going to make any sense to you

but I Don'’t know what I would have done

if you didn'’t know who I was. Hold me!

Josh, what'’s going on?

No idea. I said "hi" and the chicken

delivery girl kind of freaked out.

Delivery girl?

Yeah, and where'’s our 12-piece combo?

We'’ve been waiting over an hour.

Oh, my god, i'’m a chicken delivery girl?

And a really bad one.

Let'’s just grab something across the street.

I swear, I Don'’t even know her.

All of a sudden, she just started pawing at me.

Hey, I guess the lesson here is

in the future I won'’t change the past.

Computer: Please enter your other realm password.

"Sabrina is hot."

www.visitthepast.com

[ beep]

What do you mean, "out of business"?

You can'’t do this to me!

Whoa, whoa, whoa. Calm down, blondie.

We had to close down because of unforeseen complications.

Oh, let me guess, changing the past

destroyed all of your customers'’ lives?

Yeah, that'’s pretty much it.

What am I supposed to do now?

Well, you could visit me

at my new website www.Usedcauldrons.Com.

We'’ve got some super deals on brand name pots.

There'’s got to be some way to get my old life back.

Or at least figure out who I am in this life.

Hey, what are you looking at?

Apparently, i'’m kind of rude.

Sabrina, there you are.

Harvey.

You know your behavior is totally unacceptable.

When I agreed to hire you at the chicken shack

you and your probation officer promised me

you'’d clean up your act.

I'’m on probation?

And you'’re the manager at the chicken shack?

Assistant manager. But i'’m still your boss.

Now put your hat on.

I Don'’t have a...

Oh, should'’ve seen that coming.

We aren'’t by any chance dating, are we?

Come on, Sabrina

you know the chicken shack frowns upon that.

Well, if you know me and Josh knows me

then maybe I could just recreate my old life

and it'’ll be like nothing ever happened.

I Don'’t care what you do

as long as you do it in the chicken mobile.

[ Knocking on door]

Hi, it'’s me again.

You must have a death wish. What are you doing back here?

Well, we seem to have gotten off on the wrong foot.

And I thought maybe we could start fresh

over a bucket of thighs.

I'’ll take an explanation instead.

What do you want? Nothing.

I just thought, you know, maybe we could be friends.

Maybe I could enroll at Adams, move in here

and, who knows, maybe my presence

would bring us all a little closer together.

It might if you reveal the secret recipe

of your 11 herbs and spices.

Well, believe me, I would if I could.

But I just want to say that

I really, really like you guys.

And if you Don'’t take me in

i'’ll be forced to live by the railroad tracks

with my ventriloquist aunt and her smart-mouthed cat.

Okay, I think we have a situation here.

Just back away from the chicken

and no one will get hurt.

Would this have gone any better if I had brought gravy?

So I says to the guy

that'’s no alley cat, that'’s my mother.

[ Rimshot]

[ Sotto]: You'’re moving your lips again.

I thought we settled this.

You stink!

[ Booing]

Okay, well, I think we'’re going to take a little break.

Anybody want to buy me a drink?

This is your act?

You should'’ve been here for our first set.

One guy was on the floor.

He was having a heart attack.

So, any luck getting our old lives back?

You'’ve got your hand up a cat'’s butt

i'’m running around town in a paper hat.

What do you think?

You'’re the one who altered history.

I'’m sorry, I know this is all my fault.

I just can'’t figure a way out of it.

I can only think of one person who could possibly fix things

but she and I Don'’t really speak.

Who'’s that? Your aunt Zelda.

We haven'’t gotten along

since the day she and that poet...

Yeah, right... got married.

Every time you say something, I feel worse.

Welcome to my world.

I guess we have no choice.

We'’re just going to have to tell Zelda what you did.

But if we tell her, then she'’ll find out that her perfect life

is just the result of a magical contrivance.

We can'’t ask her to give up her happiness for us.

Why not? There'’s got to be a way

for aunt Zelda to keep her perfect life

and for us to get ours back.

If I could just get my hands on a magic book.

Zelda'’s got tons of them.

We'’ll go right after we finish our next set.

Go now.

We'’ll go now.

Virtual strangers they treat like royalty.

But family, nothing but dirty looks and restraining orders.

Zelda: Unreasonable?

Since when is it unreasonable

to want to spend an evening alone?

Zelda, please. Our guests.

Guests? Don'’t you mean leeches?

I am sick and tired of waiting on you

and your pathetic posse of parasitic poets.

Leave the alliteration to the professionals.

"Professional" implies you actually get paid for what you do.

Oh, it always comes down to money, doesn'’t it?

It does when one of us has to work three jobs

in order to support us.

You wanted to marry an artist.

Yeah, a con artist.

You promised to show me the galaxy.

The closest i'’ve gotten is the inside of your Ford galaxie.

And even then, you brought your stupid friends.

What are you saying, you regret marrying me?

Every single day of my life.

Well, you did

and now you'’re stuck with me.

So, could you hurry dinner along?

The boys are getting a little peckish.

Oh, well, look who'’s here.

Don'’t stand out in the cold.

Well, well, well.

Look what the cat dragged in.

Oh, hi.

You know, I really enjoyed your last book of poetry.

Though I would'’ve enjoyed even more

if they'’d published it on two-ply.

Aunt Zelda, this is perfect.

I know exactly how to get you out of your horrible marriage...

Which is kind of my fault to begin with.

I Don'’t know what you'’re talking about.

Gabriel and I have never been happier.

Now, if you'’ll excuse me, I have guests.

Happy?

What does she takes us for, complete idiots?

Not a word.

Clearly she'’s in denial.

Do you know where she keeps her magic books?

In the front hall.

Can you distract a roomful of poets?

Easy.

With your clothes on?

Oh.

And so I says to the guy

that'’s no alley cat, that'’s my mother.

Time... time...

"Time in a bottle."

Time.

"Subscribe to timemagazine."

"Time travel." Perfect.

Going somewhere? No!

I mean, I wasn'’t.

I was, uh, you know, I lost my keys, I...

I really Don'’t think time travel is something

you want to play around with, Sabrina.

Believe me, you'’re preaching to the choir.

Hey, have any of you ever heard my impression

of Gabriel'’s poetry?

This isn'’t part of the act.

It'’s called "ode to a big fat ego."

I think that I shall never see

someone as talentless as me

oh, others may be mediocre...

Ooh, she rhymed herself into a corner there.

"Mediocre."

Excuse me while I go and choke her.

You and I aren'’t finished.

Oh, yes, we are.

I need to mend the present and return to the past.

If I Don'’t get my old life back

i'’ll spend my days at the chicken shack.

Whew, talk about bad poetry.

Zelda spellman, I love you.

Will you marry me?

Oh, Gabriel, I love you, too.

But what about my work...

No, wait! Don'’t do it.

Look, I know you Don'’t know me...

Well, you might, it'’s hard to keep track...

But i'’m begging you, see him for who he really is.

He'’s a user.

He'’ll never live up to any of his promises.

Your life and everyone else'’s life will be miserable.

Besides that, he'’s really an awful poet.

I was going to say "no" anyway.

But thanks for your support, whoever you are.

You'’re welcome.

Carry on, then.

Sabrina, hi. What'’s going on?

Honey, are you all right?

I'’m not sure yet.

Are you now, or have you ever been married?

No. Oh, i'’m so happy for you!

I'’m guessing spell gone awry.

I know you'’re upset about professor carlin

but I just want you to know

you made the right decision about Gabriel.

Oh, i'’m sure I did.

You are?

But what about all the regrets you had yesterday

about not marrying him?

Oh, well, every time a relationship ends

I think of Gabriel.

And then I remember the bad poetry, the hangers-on

and the fact that he always "forgot" his wallet.

Thank god I didn'’t end up with that deadbeat.

Loser.

And you couldn'’t have told me all this yesterday?

Well, you didn'’t ask.

Hi, i'’m home.

What are you doing here?

Oh, for the love of...

Look, you'’re just going to have to believe me, okay?

My name is Sabrina, i'’m your roommate.

We'’re friends. I go to college here.

We work together at the coffee house.

I Don'’t deliver chicken nor have I ever.

Is that clear?

Perfectly.

But I still Don'’t know what you'’re doing here.

You were supposed to meet Josh at the coffee house 20 minutes ago.

Oops.

Never mind.

Got to go.

And people think i'’m the ditzy one.