Original subtitles

"What did the 14th-century witch, grizelda, use

to cure the plague?"

Oh, this is so easy.

Canola oil.

Eye of newt. Eye of newt.

No, it'’s... "Eye of newt."

One more and we win. Whoo-hoo!

Three.

"Famous witches in history."

"Who was the first witch to transport herself

using something other than a broom?"

Easy. Hermia Von bieberstein.

Or is it "stine?"

Woman: It'’s wrong, is what it is.

It was I.

Aunt Irma.

I rode a large Brazil nut.

Perhaps youcould replace hildie as my partner.

With your amazing intelligence

we could wipe the floor with those two.

Silence, fleatrap.

I didn'’t come here

to play games.

I came to see my favorite niece.

Why, thank you, aunt Irma.

I was talking about Sabrina.

Dear, have you given any thought to your future?

Well, yes, as you know, i'’m a journalism major

and one day, I hope... Silence!

I'’ve found an eligible young witch in the other realm

who'’s going to be your husband.

What?!

Aunt Irma

we Don'’t do arranged marriages in this realm.

Or this century.

Oh, you Don'’t, do you?

However, if you picked him out

i'’m sure he'’s lovely.

And charming. Just like you.

I thought you'’d see it my way.

I'’ll send him by tomorrow.

An arranged marriage?

How could you sell me out like that?

It was you or the omelet pan.

Nice choice.

♪ Life'’s changing around me, and i'’m gonna make it mine ♪

♪ i'’m reaching out and living by my rules... ♪

♪ Time'’s moving way too fast ♪

♪ I wanna make it last...

♪ '’cause i'’m out on my own now ♪

♪ and I like the way it feels.

You agreed to have a marriage arranged for me...

With a complete stranger!

Mazel tov. Now, whose roll is it?

Honey, Don'’t worry.

We'’re not going to let aunt Irma marry you off.

We just have to play her game

for a little while.

Make her think her opinion counts.

All you have to do is meet the guy.

Go out with him a couple of times.

But I have a boyfriend

and Josh doesn'’t really like me to date.

This will all be over before you know it.

Aunt Irma will find someone else'’s life to meddle in

and she'’ll forget all about you.

What makes you so sure she'’ll lose interest?

Experience.

Aunt Irma tried to marry off hilda and me countless times.

She gave up on us centuries ago.

As did every man in both realms.

[ Laughs]: Oh!

Let me guess. You'’ve become a cat burglar?

Guess again. I'’ve signed up for a class.

23 live, long-legged ladies and me.

And this class is what?

Intro to delusions and fantasies?

Ballet, which in my case may be the same thing.

[ Door opens and closes]

Oh, where'’d these come from?

Man: Me.

Hi, Sabrina.

I'’m Peter. Your aunt Irma sent me.

Oh, I won'’t hold that against you.

Look, i'’m sure you'’re a really nice guy...

I'’m sure you'’re nice, too.

But I have to be honest with you.

Both: I Don'’t want to marry you.

Really?

This is great.

Oh, I only agreed to meet you

to get aunt Irma off my back.

Tell me about it. She said if I didn'’t meet you

she'’d turn me into a dung beetle.

Wow, i'’m flattered. Look, until the smoke clears

let'’s just tell aunt Irma we'’re dating.

But we can'’t actually date, because I have a boyfriend.

Oh, that works for me.

Sabrina, have you seen my black tights?

I'’ve looked everywhere for them.

They couldn'’t have just walked away.

Don'’t be so sure.

It'’s like you finally find a pair that fits, and... hi!

Hi.

Oh, roxie, this is Peter. Peter, roxie.

He'’s an old family friend. Hi.

Hi. Hi.

Okay, well, that about covers introductions.

Roxie, aren'’t you late for class? Hi.

Bye.

Who was that?

Oh, therapists have been trying

to solve that mystery for 19 years.

Well, i'’m glad you and I have this situation under control.

You know, maybe we can not go out next Wednesday night.

Perfect. I won'’tpick you up at 7:00.

Okay. see you.

Or not.

[ Chuckles]

Hi.

First of all, I want you to know

I have other words in my vocabulary besides "hi."

I figured. I'’m guessing you'’re a woman who speaks her mind

and doesn'’t let anyone push her around.

And i'’m guessing you'’re pretty smart

if you got all that from "hi."

[ Chuckles]

You know, i'’ve never done anything like this before

but would you ever maybe want to go out with me?

I'’m hoping that'’s a "yes."

I'’ve always loved the dance, but from afar.

I wanted to get closer to the process.

So, which dancers do you admire most?

I'’d have to say... Rudolf nureyev

and Celtic cheerleader number six.

Miles'’ dance class seems to be working out.

Oh, man, I should have taken a dance class in college.

I could have met tons of hot-looking dance...

Educationspecialists.

Bye.

Hmm.

Oh, no. Aunt hilda, did you see who roxie just walked in with?

That'’s Peter! That'’s the guy aunt Irma wants me to marry!

Wow. You'’re lucky.

Wow. Roxie'’s lucky.

Oh, no, if aunt Irma finds out about this

she'’s going to be furious.

Honey, calm down.

This is roxie we'’re talking about.

She'’s a walking man-repellent.

They'’ll be broken up by dessert.

See for yourself.

Dessert?

No, thank you. I'’ve already got mine.

Oh, that is so cute.

This relationship must be destroyed.

Well, the good news is

Peter and roxie make an adorable couple.

Yeah, the bad news is

Peter and roxie make an adorable couple.

[ Phone rings]

Oh, hi, aunt Irma.

Well, let'’s just say

Peter has found the ideal woman.

Bye-bye.

Aunt Zelda, what are we going to do?

I'’ve got it.

I'’m going to distract aunt Irma

by getting her to fix up cousin desperada.

And you'’re going to do whatever it takes to break up those two.

Yeah, that should be easy.

Got a crowbar?

Wow, you look amazing.

Where are yougoing?

Peter'’s taking me to umberto'’s for dinner.

Speaking of Peter

are you sure he'’s right for you?

I mean, I know he'’s a really nice guy and all...

He'’s a great guy. Yeah, yeah, great.

But aren'’t things moving a little fast?

It'’s almost like you'’re boyfriend and girlfriend.

Sabrina, we areboyfriend and girlfriend.

See?[ Doorbell rings]

Hi.

Not a real verbal relationship.

Sabrina, tell me again

why I have tickets to a basketball game

but i'’m in a snotty French restaurant?

Because you love me. And I drove.

Couldn'’t you have left your finger in the car?

Are you nuts? You think i'’m going to leave something

like this for the valet to get his hands on?

Can I check your finger?

Back off, Pierre.

Oh, you know, I see my friends over there.

Why Don'’t we join them?

Hey, I still Don'’t understand

why I have to get involved in their relationship.

Again, because you love me.

And the sooner we break them up

the sooner you get to the game.

They'’re history. Mm-hmm.

Hi, roxie. Hi, Peter. Hey.

What a coincidence! Mind if we join you?

Well, actually...

You know, we were going to get our own table

but it is so much more fun

to hang out in a group, you know?

Romantic dinners for two can be soboring.

What are you talking about?

You and Josh

go out for romantic dinners all the time.

Yeah, but we Don'’t enjoy it.

What do you mean, we Don'’t enjoy it?

I mean, we Don'’t enjoy it as much as if we were out

with a big group of people cheering

waving big foam body parts.

You know, college is a time

when you should meet lots of people

not get too serious, right, Josh?

Right. Yeah, otherwise

you'’re just like some old, married couple.

[ Old man'’s voice]: "Hey, edna, pass the cream."

[ Old woman'’s voice]: "Cream?

With your cholesterol?"

I Don'’t want to date other people.

I like roxie.

And I like Peter.

And I like Sabrina.

But I like other women, too.

Lots of them

and i'’d like to date them.

All of them.

You would? Of course.

Hey, I saw this gorgeous redhead

in the quad the other day... Oh, what redhead?

Well, I Don'’t know her name, but she had this amazing smile

and legs that went on for days.

Really? That long, huh?

Yeah, they were

kind of hard to miss since she

was wearing this tight leather skirt.

You know, we were supposed to be breaking themup, not us.

Hey, i'’m just agreeing with your idea that guys our age

shouldn'’t tie themselves down, right, Peter?

Oh, great, they'’re gone.

Now we'’re really in big trouble.

Yeah, you'’re not kidding. We got stuck with the bill.

Check, please.

Roxie, there you are.

Listen, I really have to talk to you about Peter.

I mean, I know you like him, but he'’s all wrong for you.

He'’s weird. He'’s out there.

He'’s my fiancé.I Don'’t believe it.

Neither did I. Who would have thought i'’d be

the first one in this house to get engaged?

Well, you'’re too young to get married.

Uh, you'’re still in college.

And I can stay in college.

Hey, you'’re happy for me, right?

Well, I do feel like crying.

Congratulations.

I'’m going upstairs.

Morgan wants to take a closer look

through her jeweler'’s loupe.

She'’s praying it'’s cubic zirconium.

I sure hope my aunts are still up.

Aunt Irma!

Hello, dear, I just thought i'’d pop in

and see how you were doing with Peter.

Peter? Uh, very well.

I was... Just with him at dinner.

Well, I was talking to his mother

and she told me that he'’s been spending

all his time in the mortal realm.

Andhe told her that he'’d met a very special woman.

Oh, he has.

Don'’t brag, dear.

I'’m not. Believe me.

I presume i'’ll be hearing wedding bells soon?

It'’s been discussed.

Oh, happy day!

Oh, I knew the two of you would be perfect together.

Two great witch families united.

Yeah, a dream come true.

But just out of curiosity

what if Peter fell out of love

with me and decided

to marry someone else, say... a mortal?

If Peter were to marry a mortal, I would banish him

and he would never see his mortal bride again.

And I would condemn her to a life of misery.

But we Don'’t have to worry about that, do we, dear?

Because Peter'’s marrying you!

Aunt hilda, aunt Zelda?

Oh, i'’ve got the worst news.

Roxie and Peter are engaged!

As bad as that news is

I believe your aunt Zelda can trump that.

Oh, no.

It says i'’m marrying Peter at 3:00 on Saturday

and I have to choose my entree by 4:00 yesterday?

On the bright side, you'’re registered at bed, bath and way beyond.

How could you let this happen?

Honey, it took us by total surprise.

The invitation came from aunt Irma.

She must have heard that Peter got engaged

and assumed you were the bride.

I can'’t be a bride.

[A] I Don'’t love the groom, and b] I Don'’t have a dress.

How would you feel about meofficiating?

I am an ordained minister

of the nine lives universal church.

There isn'’t going to be any wedding.

Peter doesn'’t want to marry me

any more than I want to marry him.

Then why is he having a bachelor party tonight?

A bachelor party?

At the other realm Hooters.

Got to go.

Yeah, I was invited, but I blew it off.

You had a chance to go to Hooters

and you blew it off?

The other realm Hooters isn'’t nearly as popular

as the ones here.

Why not?

[ Whooping, cheering ]

All right, petey boy.

Your single days you will forsake.

But wait till you see what

jumps out of this cake.

Hey, you'’re not an owl.

[ All booing]

Excuse me, I need some private time

with the groom.

Look, why are you

having a bachelor party?

I'’m not marrying you on Saturday.

I know that. I'’m marrying roxie.

Does aunt Irma know that? No.

Does roxie know that? No.

I thought i'’d break the news to them right after the party.

That'’ll go over big.

Look, aunt Irma told me that if you marry a mortal

she'’ll banish you

and make roxie miserable forever.

That'’s because she hasn'’t met roxie.

Once Irma gets to know her

she'’s going to fall in love with her just like I did.

Lay off the owl juice, buddy.

It ain'’t going to happen.

Besides, you can'’t just tell roxie you'’re a witch

and expect her to roll with it.

Well, there'’s only one way to find out.

I'’ll go tell her right now.

No, wait. I can'’t let you talk to roxie.

Why not?

Because in the mortal realm, once you get engaged

you can'’t see the bride or talk to her

until the wedding.

Doesn'’t she have to know when

the wedding is?

Yeah, but that'’s the bridesmaid'’s job

and that'’s me.

What about telling her i'’m a witch?

Again, the bridesmaid.

How is she going to get to...

The other realm? Again, my responsibility

along with the flowers and the finger food for the reception.

Boy, the bridesmaids really have a lot to do.

Yeah, I know.

And we have to do it all

while wearing a really ugly dress.

Peter, get away from her.

It'’s time for your flap dance.

Don'’t you mean lap dance?

No.

Okay, now I see why this isn'’t quite as popular

as the Hooters back home.

[ Miles groaning]

Miles, what are you doing?

Oh, thank god you'’re home.

My hamstring has been stuck in this position

for three hours.

[ Yelling in pain]

Miles, could you stop the groaning?

It'’s getting annoying.

Roxie, you were here?

How come you didn'’t come out to help me?

I just thought you were talking

to your mother.

Does Peter have his cell phone?

I tried calling him at home

but I got this weird recording.

Oh, must be something with the switchboard.

It'’s probably nothing to worry about.

Well, I may have something to worry about.

Not being able to have children.

You know, not only could I not reach him

but I realized I have no idea where he lives.

Let'’s examine that.

You'’re engaged to this guy

yet you have no idea where he lives.

Does that tell you something?

I must really love him.

Not the answer I was going for.

Come on, guys, hurry up.

We Don'’t want to be late for roxie and Peter'’s wedding.

How did you ever get everyone to agree to this?

Well, roxie and Peter are madly in love

so that was easy.

How did you convince aunt Irma?

It was a snap.

I am her favorite niece.

[ Imitating Sabrina]: "I am her favorite niece."

Two minutes before the wedding... perfect timing.

We can get to our seats

without having to make small talk

with that evil aunt Irma.

Hilda, Zelda, always bridesmaids, never brides.

Actually, not even bridesmaids this time.

Nice to see you, too.

Well, it'’s a glorious day.

And I can'’t think of a more perfect match

for Peter than our Sabrina.

Sabrina?

You mean roxie.

Roxie?

Is that Sabrina'’s nickname?

Yes. We gave her that name

because as a child

she used to play with rocks.

I always forget how dim you are.

Let'’s get to the bottom of this.

Sabrina, trouble.

Aunt Irma still thinks you'’re the one marrying Peter.

I know, but i'’ve got it all under control.

Tell the truth... you never really told her, did you?

I thought you were her favorite niece.

Don'’t worry.

The ceremony'’s going to be beautiful

and everybody will be moved to tears.

Then aunt Irma will see how madly in love

the bride and groom are and she'’ll melt.

Or she could have a fit and start throwing thunderbolts.

And with the amount of hair spray I have on

I could go up like a Roman candle.

Look, just keep aunt Irma away from here

while I help roxie get dressed.

[ Organ playing]

Nice organ.

You'’re not the first to say so.

I thought you were going to officiate.

Aunt Irma questioned my credentials.

Like the Internet isn'’t a good enough place

to be ordained.

Oh, do you think Sabrina'’s plan will work?

Absolutely.

Let'’s run while i'’ve still got hair.

Irma: Friends, witches, trolls

we are gathered here to witness the joining

of two powerful witch families

which I, in my infinite wisdom, have brought together.

[ "Wedding march" playing]

Interesting choice.

I guess there'’s no law that says a father has to give the bride away.

Unless that is roxie'’s father.

What? I hear she comes from a very strange family.

You are about to witness

a special kind of other realm wedding.

The young couple asked to write their own vows.

Oh, how beautiful.

But I vetoed that.

We shall start with traditional drinking

of the passion ambrosia.

Peter, lift the bride'’s veil.

Uh, we thought we'’d wait till the end of the ceremony

to do that.

Nonsense. Here, let me help you.

No, that'’s not necessary.

Silence.

Lift the veil.

Oh, my god, Sabrina!?

Sabrina?! Sabrina?!

Well, of course it'’s Sabrina.

Whom were you expecting?

Yes, whom were you expecting?

All right, aunt Irma, marry us already.

What'’s going on?

Sabrina, i'’m not going to marry you.

I Don'’t love you.

I Don'’t love you either.

No marriage is perfect.

Moving along... I do.

But I love roxie.

This is roxie. She played with rocks.

What? What?

Look, Peter, if you love roxie, you have to marry me.

Honey, what are you talking about?

If Peter marries a mortal

aunt Irma said she'’d make that mortal miserable

for the rest of her life

and Peter would never see her again.

I can'’t let that happen to roxie

so i'’m taking her place instead.

Sabrina, why didn'’t you tell us?

'’cause I knew you'’d try to stop me.

You were willing to sacrifice your own happiness

to save a friend?

[ Voice breaking]: There'’s no other way.

Oh, that is so touching.

Now, where was I?

Dearly beloved...

Aunt Irma, how could you let Sabrina

go through with this?!

Marry somebody she doesn'’t love

and make these two young people miserable

for the rest of their lives?

[ All groaning]

Silence!

I suppose even though their misery

could bring me untold happiness

I must call off this union of holy matrimony.

[ Applause]

Whoo-Whoo.

And i'’m through wasting my time and energies

being a matchmaker.

Here, here.

Although

if you could get a little meat on your bones

I could fix you up with a really cute cyclops.

Keep an eyeout for me.

I know, silence.

You know, I just want to thank you for what you did for roxie.

You are a really good friend.

Hey, any decent person would go behind her best friend'’s back

and marry her fiancé.

Well, i'’m just glad

roxie and I get to be together again.

Me, too.

You know, I know it'’s none of my business

but I would recommend slowing down a little bit.

Peter, where have you been?

It'’s a long story.

How could you disappear for a whole weekend

and not call me?

I had no way to get in touch with you.

I Don'’t have your home phone number.

I Don'’t know where you live.

And now that i'’ve had a weekend to think about it

I realized I Don'’t know anything about you.

For example, where'’d you grow up?

Uh, you might not want

to hit him with the tough questions

right out of the gate.

What'’s so tough about that?

Are you from Jersey?

There are going to be a lot of tough questions.

What are you talking about

and how come you'’re standing there not saying anything?

You know what? I think i'’m going to go wash my hair.

Yeah, that'’s what i'’m going to do.

I'’m not saying anything

because i'’m figuring out how to answer.

Great, another guy with communication problems.

Look, I want to open up.

Maybe if we slow down, eventually i'’ll be able to.

Sabrina was right.

I guess we shouldn'’t have gotten so serious so fast.

Probably not.

But you know what? I'’m going to put this in a safe place

and maybe we can just start all over.

I'’d like that.

Hi.

I didn'’t grow up in Jersey.

Well, that'’s a start.

You free on Friday?

Yeah. Where do you want to go?

Anywhere but umberto'’s.

I didn'’t pay the check.

Yeah, you did

and you left a really nice tip, too.

Okay, i'’ve got my first recital on Tuesday

and I just want to run through my routine

and get your honest opinion.

[ "Dance of the sugarplum fairies" playing]

So what do you think... honestly?

I think you'’re a man of many talents

but dancing'’s not one of them.

I'’d like to see you do better.

It'’s a lot harder than it looks.

Well, i'’ll try.

[ Music resumes]

Whew, you'’re right, it'’s not as easy as it looks.

I'’m hanging up my tights.

Actually, roxie'’s tights.