Original subtitles

Miles, how do you like my new earrings?

The look exactly like the titanium sonar receptors

that I just ordered from conspiracy barn.

Are you receiving any messages on yours?

Just one. Lose the earrings.

The only sound I want to hear tonight

is Josh whispering in my ear.

Isn'’t this like the sixth night in a row

you and Josh have gone out?

Seventh.

You know, things were good before

but lately something is really starting to click.

It'’s like we'’re at a whole new level.

I envy you, Sabrina.

The best relationship I ever had

was with a hamster named pinky

but she had trouble with commitment

and then there was that whole "eating her young" issue.

Miles, it'’ll work out for you.

You just have to put yourself out there.

Be open and trusting

and good things will happen.

All men are scum.

I'’m never dating again.

It works most of the time.

I thought you liked this new guy.

He turned out to be a sneaky, conniving liar

just like every other guy on the planet.

Any woman with half a brain

should avoid them like the plague.

What are you all dressed up for?

Uh, i'’m doing laundry.

In that?

Makes me feel good about myself.

♪ Life'’s changing around me, and i'’m gonna make it mine ♪

♪ i'’m reaching out and living by my rules... ♪

♪ Time'’s moving way too fast ♪

♪ I wanna make it last...

♪ '’cause i'’m out on my own now ♪

♪ and I like the way it feels.

That was great, Sabrina.

Only you could get me to see

an obscure documentary on north American eskimos.

What can I say? I'’m into inuits.

You know, they'’ve had to overcome incredible hardships

just to survive.

And yet nanook always had a smile on his face.

He didn'’t have a choice... It was frozen on.

So, what do you have planned for us next?

The Machu Picchu civic light opera?

Well, i'’ll tell you what I had planned for us.

Mmm. I love that plan.

And I love you, Sabrina.

Wow, Josh, I...

[ High-pitched voice]: I love you, too.

[ Normal voice]: I mean

wh-what I meant to say was

[ deep voice]: I love you.

Sabrina, why are you talking like that?

Why...? That'’s a very good question.

I-I, uh, I must have

a little frog in my throat, you know.

And he likes to talk kind of funny sometimes.

But what'’s important is how I feel.

Well, how do you feel?

That clears that up.

Morgan, can I see you for a moment?

Sure, professor spellman.

What'’s up?

Not your grades.

You got a 12 on your last exam.

Well, at least I broke double digits this time.

There is no way that you'’re going to pass molecular biology

if you keep getting grades like this.

Are you studying at all?

Sure, whenever I get the chance.

But I have all these other classes

and i'’ve got this job.

Working for my sister at her coffeehouse.

God knows that can'’t be easy.

So, you'’re aware that hilda can be...

Pushy, annoying, rude?

Please, I live with the woman.

Then you know what a cross I have to bear.

I mean, how is a gal supposed to learn her cell mitosis

when she'’s sweeping muffin crumbs 24-7?

It'’s just like hilda to have no respect for academics.

She needs to realize that you'’re a student first

and an employee second.

Thank you for being so understanding.

I had nowhere to turn

and I... couldn'’t say anything because she'’s your sister.

Don'’t you worry.

I will give you a makeup test

and i'’ll have a little talk with hilda.

Oh!

I-I promise i'’ll study really hard for the makeup test

but please Don'’t say anything to hilda.

You know, if she knew that we spoke

she'’d work me like a pack mule.

It'’ll be our secret.

Aunt Zelda, I need to talk to you.

And i'’ve got coffee grounds to dump

and toilets to scrub.

Bye, Sabrina.

Morgan scrubbing toilets?

Now my hearing'’s going, too.

What'’s up, sweetheart?

More like, "what'’s up, doc?"

Last night, for the first time ever

Josh told me he loved me.

And when I tried to tell him I loved him

I sounded like tweety bird.

Ooh, i'’m so sorry.

I remember when

that happened to me.

So, you talked like a hyperactive canary, too?

Speedy Gonzalez.

Sabrina, a witch can only say

"I love you" in her own voice

if she'’s 100% sure of her feelings.

Oh, I thought I was totally smitten with copernicus.

I thought I totally loved Josh.

Hey, I just said it.

I love Josh.

Why couldn'’t I say it like that last night?

Maybe he caught you by surprise

and it made you nervous and caused your throat to close up.

That'’s it.

The old nerves and closed throat combo.

Well, now that it'’s not a surprise anymore

I guess I Don'’t have a problem.

I love you, I love you, I love you!

I love you, too, sweetheart.

And I swear...

[ Scratchy voice]: I love copernicus.

Guess I didn'’t.

I love you.

Yeah, but what have you done for you lately?

Oh, I was just practicing.

Tonight'’s the night i'’m finally going to say "I love you" to Josh.

Do you want to practice on me?

For once i'’d like to hear those words uttered

by someone other than my mother

who always tacks on, "and wear a sweater."

Wow, where are you going?

Please Don'’t hold it against me

but I have a date. With a man.

And she'’s going to tell him that she loves him.

I'’m not angry. I'’m happy for you.

And i'’ve come to a realization.

The fact that I Don'’t have a boyfriend

might actually have something to do with me.

You think?

I just signed up for a relationship workshop on campus.

Maybe I can figure out

what i'’m doing that'’s alienating men.

That'’s great! I'’ve always wanted to suggest

something like that for you.

But then I realized you'’re perfect the way you are.

You know, and this workshop is just gravy.

Got to go.

So, how did you like the elk piccata special?

It was unusual, but amazing.

Just like the rest of the evening.

You know, when I made that comment

about the Machu Picchu civic light opera

I didn'’t actually know there was one.

But how good were they?

I mean, nobody does Fiddler like the Peruvians.

Sabrina, you and I can never break up.

I mean, I could never go back

to just cheeseburger and an Adam sandler movie.

I Don'’t think you'’re going to have to, Josh.

There'’s something I want to tell you.

Something I tried to say the other night

but I wasn'’t able to...

Flowers for the beautiful lady?

Not now; I'’m trying to tell him something.

Well, what better way to say it than with a Rose?

You want her to buy me the flower?

What'’s your problem, mate?

Testosterone issues?

Afraid if she buys

the flower, makes you less of a man?

Here'’s five bucks. Take a hike.

Thanks, beautiful lady.

Ciao, sexist pig.

Okay, where were we?

You were going to tell me something?

Well, the other night when I tried to say this

it didn'’t come out right.

But tonight, I speak from my heart.

[ Like Jerry Lewis]: I love you. I honestly love you.

Sabrina, that'’s not funny.

I didn'’t mean that.

So, you Don'’t love me?

No, I do, really.

It just came out wrong.

Let me try one more time.

[ As cartoon character]: I l-l-l-l-love you.

This is ridiculous.

I open up and tell you my real feelings

and all you do is make fun of me.

Josh... have some fun with this.

I'’ve said I love you for the last time.

Hey, check, please.

Sorry, love.

No refunds.

Well, got to run. Toodles.

Morgan, there'’s three hours left on your shift.

And believe me, I feel terrible about leaving you like this.

It'’s just that...

Lately Zelda'’s been giving me so much homework

i'’m only getting 15 minutes of sleep a night.

That'’s just like her

not to give a hoot about the working stiffs

who survive by the sweat of their brow.

Like biology has anything to do with life.

Don'’t you worry.

I'’ll give my snooty sister what for.

Oh, please Don'’t.

It'’ll only make the situation worse.

She'’ll punish me for being weak.

She does that to me all the time.

Skinny little sadist.

I just have to catch up on my rest

and find a way to get through this semester.

I understand.

You take all the time you need.

By the way, how long is a semester?

Two years.

Your aunt is a Saint.

Actually, they both are.

See ya.

Saint hilda?

Oh, I just had the worst evening of my life.

I tried to be romantic

and I ended up sounding like barnyard animals.

Let me hear your rooster.

Obviously, this is more than just a case of nerves.

I mean, my whole relationship

is on the verge of going down the tubes.

Do you know someone that could help me out with this?

There is a specialist in the other realm.

Someone who deals in the language of love.

Saperstein?

No, he'’s lotions and potions.

Sabrina,

there'’s only one doctor

who can solve your kind of problem:

The love doctor.

Wild guess: You'’re the love doctor?

That'’s me.

Well, let me just say

that this is the coolest doctor'’s office

i'’ve ever been in.

Videos and velvet chairs in the waiting...

Enough of the chitchat, sweetness.

Tell your problems to the love doctor.

Well, my boyfriend, Josh, just told me he loves me.

♪ Oh, sweet, sweet love.

Exactly.

And every time I try to say "I love you" to him

I sound like a cartoon.

Ladies...

♪ Do you love your baby as much as he loves you? ♪

Yes, I loves my baby.

I mean, Josh.

But I Don'’t think he knows.

You got to help me.

♪ Oh, baby, I heard your plea and it makes me feel so sad ♪

♪ but it'’s not a witch problem you got ♪

♪ I can'’t stop you from feelin'’ bad. ♪

But if it'’s not a witch problem

then what am I supposed to do?

♪ Listen...

♪ The problem you got is on your mortal side ♪

♪ mortal side♪♪ if you really want to solve it ♪

♪ got to look deep inside

♪ stop feeling blue

♪ it'’s all up to you ♪

♪ it'’s all up to you ♪

♪ it'’s all up to you now, baby ♪

♪ it'’s all up ♪

♪ to you

♪ it'’s all up to you ♪

♪ it'’s all up to you now, baby ♪

♪ it'’s all up to you, it'’s all up to you. ♪

Okay, well, that was totally useless...

Yet soulful.

What do I owe you, doc?

One chorus. Who'’s it all up to?

♪ It'’s all up to me, it'’s all up to me. ♪

♪ Up to you, up to you. ♪

♪ One more time, call me in the morning. ♪

You say it.

♪ It'’s all up to me, it'’s all up to me. ♪

Dig deep down and tell me who'’s it all up to?

♪ It'’s all up to me, it'’s all up to me. ♪

Thank you.

What are you doing with that?

I'’m using it for my relationship workshop therapy.

It helps me to control my anger towards men.

How?

That'’s how.

Man, that felt good.

Bye, guys.

Harvey'’s taking me out for Sushi

then we'’re going to a late movie.

Don'’t wait up.

You'’re going out? Two days ago

you were completely overwhelmed by your schoolwork and your job.

Well, that was then; This is now.

I'’ve got both situations firmly under control.

Bye-bye.

Why is everyone in the universe dating except us?

I'’m working on why i'’m not

and there'’s no cure for why you'’re not.

Roxie, you'’re right... Dating is for the birds

and all the other annoying animals with high voices.

What happened? I thought tonight was going to be the night

you were going to say "I love you" to Josh.

For some reason, it was a lot easier to say to the mirror.

Maybe you have intimacy issues.

I wish; I'’d kill for intimacy issues.

Why Don'’t you come with me to my relationship workshop?

Maybe it'’ll give you some insights

into what'’s holding you back with Josh.

Miles: And if that doesn'’t work

you have a roommate who is well-versed

in the ways of isolation and misery.

That'’s true.

You and I can always be miserable together.

Actually, I was talking about roxie.

And actually, I Don'’t think I have relationship problems.

I just Don'’t like people.

Uh, nothing personal.

Woman: Well, you'’ve come

a long way, Bob.

Which says a whole lot about where you started.

Anybody else got something to share?

Roxie? i think one of my problems

with guys is that I immediately start looking for flaws.

They talk too much, they Don'’t talk enough

they'’re too fat, too skinny...

I think my expectations are too high.

Except for that one guy that you dated

that cleaned his ears with the end of his glasses.

Whew!

Loser!

The point is roxie has owned up

to how her critical nature

could be sabotaging her chances for happiness.

That'’s very good.

Uh, Sabrina?

We haven'’t heard from you yet.

What'’s going on in your relationship?

Well, I have a really cool boyfriend.

He'’s caring and thoughtful

and we have a really great time together...

And he just told me that he loves me.

And you came here to mock us.

That is, like, so mean.

Woman: Sabrina,

what'’s wrong with your relationship?

Well, whenever I try to tell Josh that I love him

it comes out wacky.

Wacky?

Yeah, I get really animated, you know?

Like, goofy.

Maybe there'’s something that'’s preventing you

from expressing your real feelings.

Now, have you two been completely honest

with each other?

Well, I feel he'’s been totally honest with me and...

[ Male French accent]: Moi, i'’ve been totally honest with him.

Sabrina, making fun of what we'’re doing here

isn'’t helping you confront your real issues.

I know; I didn'’t mean to make fun of you.

Look, is there anything important about yourself

that you may have kept from your boyfriend?

[ Cartoon voice]: No, nothing, nothing at all.

Gotta go!

[ Cartoon voice]: What a revoltin'’ development.

[Turns on TV]

Very considerate.

Just come in here and turn on the TV

completely ignoring the fact that I am reading.

Have you no respect for knowledge?

Have you no respect for the poor working Joe

who'’s trying to serve a cup of Joe

to a bunch of guys named "Joe"?

Well, maybe you wouldn'’t be serving Joe to Joe

if you cracked open a book now and then.

Oh, boy, I love a good cat fight!

Ladies and gentlemen, get ready to rumble.

Listen, miss summa cum loudmouth:

It'’s know-it-all teachers like you

that drove me to clown college.

Aunt hilda, aunt Zelda...

I'’m a cartoon.

Oh, and your very funny, honey.

What am I saying?

Thanks...

I think.

Well, I finally figured out the reason

I can'’t say "I love you" to Josh.

I'’m convinced the only way I can tell Josh I love him

without sounding like tweety bird

is to tell him i'’m a witch.

But, Sabrina, that'’s impossible.

If you tell a mortal you'’re a witch

you'’ll be stripped of your powers

and cast out forever.

Yeah, yeah, yeah.

How about term limits for that witches council?

Might I bring up the fact that Harvey knows she'’s a witch

and nothing happened to her.

That'’s because he figured it out on his own.

Wait a minute!

What if I Don'’t tell Josh

and he figures it out the way Harvey did.

Then, there wouldn'’t be any consequences at all.

Except for one tiny detail.

When Harvey found out you were a witch

he dumped you like yesterday'’s trash.

That'’s a risk i'’ll just have to take.

You dumped yesterday'’s trash?

That was today'’s lunch.

Hi, Josh.

So, has Sabrina talked to you yet?

No. About what?

Never mind. I know nothing.

You'’ll never pull it out of me.

Hey, Harvey. What you got there?

Coffee.

That'’s what I generally get when I come to a coffeehouse.

Well, I think I know why you and Sabrina broke up.

You do?

How did you figure it out?

The weird way she was acting.

Oh, yeah.

She can do some pretty strange things.

Did she turn you into a puppy yet?

Oh, she tried to.

It'’s obvious all she wanted to do was play with me.

I'’ve been one thanks to her.

But nothing compared to the time she made me pregnant.

Pregnant?

What are you talking about?

What are youtalking about?

I'’m talking about how you tell a girl you love her

and she treats it like a joke.

O-Oh... right.

Don'’t you just hate that?

Ahh...

How am I supposed to make Josh guess that i'’m a witch

without revealing that i'’m a witch?

Well, you could dress up in a big pointy hat

walk in with a broom, and cackle.

Too small.

He would just think that I was celebrating Halloween early.

Okay, let'’s cut to the chase.

You create darkness across the land; Make it rain frogs.

Too big and too messy.

All right, all right, stop twisting my paw.

I'’ll tell him you'’re a witch.

Hmm. You intentionally reveal yourself

as a talking cat to a mortal

and the witches council will turn you into a doormat.

It wouldn'’t be the first time

people have walked all over me.

Let'’s talk boils and carbuncles.

Oh, hi, Morgan.

Here'’s your makeup test.

And I was so looking forward to taking it

but my slave driver boss just paged me

to mop and wax all the floors.

Did you tell her about the test?

I tried, but, alas, it was not to be.

I better hurry.

I get docked ten dollars for every minute that i'’m late.

Well, that'’s it.

That witch is going down.

Hi, zellie; What are you doing here?

I am fighting the forces of ignorance

before they completely annihilate

all forms of intelligent life.

Huh?

I'’m talking about you.

Why are you working poor Morgan

like she'’s on a prison road crew?

Hey, you'’re the one who'’s got her studying day and night

for your stupid 700- question makeup test.

Fortunately, the compassionate spellman sister

has given Morgan time off from work.

What? Hilda, we'’ve been hoodwinked

bamboozled, led down the primrose path

and shoved into a thicket of thorns.

Huh?

Too many people around.

Since Josh and I need to be alone

make everybody want an ice cream cone.

Oh, boy... the ice cream man is here!

What are you doing here?

I need to explain what'’s been going on.

Josh, there was a reason why I sounded so weird

when I tried to tell you how I felt.

It'’s because there'’s something about me that you Don'’t know.

Okay, wait, let me guess.

You'’re really from the planet Krypton

disguised as a mild-mannered reporter?

No, but awfully good guess.

Sabrina, I Don'’t want to play any more games.

I'’ve got work to do.

Please, Josh, just listen to me for one minute.

Why do you think an ice cream truck

just suddenly showed up at 11:30 at night?

I Don'’t know... The ice cream man'’s nocturnal?

Okay.

What about that hockey game

when Harvey suddenly went from having a horrible injury

to setting scoring records...

Didn'’t you find that a little strange?

Not as strange as Harvey telling me

you made him pregnant.

Now, if you'’d excuse me

i'’ve got a whole disc of photos to print out.

You mean those?

Oh. Where did those come from?

Good question; Where do you think?

Oh, Charlie must have printed them out before he left.

What a great guy.

Okay, let'’s go another way.

How do you think that plant turned into a tree?

Where did that monkey come from?

I Don'’t know if you'’ve noticed

but there'’s a monsoon going on in that corner.

Who in the world could have possibly done that?!

Sabrina, I Don'’t get it.

First, you mock me with cartoon voices.

Now you'’re playing practical jokes

with water, plants, and a monkey?

Why are you doing this?

Because I want you to know who I really am.

If this is who you really are

I Don'’t want any part of it.

Josh, please Don'’t go.

Oh, yeah? Give me one good reason why I shouldn'’t.

Because... because I love you!

What did you say?

I love you.

Oh, my gosh, did you hear that?

I said "I love you," and it came out right.

I love you.

Did you really mean it?

Yes! I love you, Josh.

Sabrina, I Don'’t always understand you, and...

I have no idea where you got a monkey at this hour

but I love you, too.

Honey, we'’re so glad

things worked out between you and Josh.

So am I.

But I still Don'’t understand

why I could suddenly say "I love you" in a normal voice.

I mean, Josh never figured out that I was a witch.

I think you were able to profess your love to Josh

because you were willing

to reveal yourself completely to him.

And, lucky for you

Josh is a total dimwit.

Salem. The point is

being as open as you could about your witch side

absolved your guilt about having to deceive a mortal.

Huh? don'’t worry, I got it.

Which reminds me.

You know anyone who needs a monkey?

Roxie? Hey, I just want to apologize

for acting so weird yesterday at the workshop.

See, i'’m taking this other workshop

where I learn cartoon voices

and I got all mixed up.

Don'’t apologize.

I should be thanking you.

Why? Well, after you left

people started making fun of you

and it got everybody loosened up.

Saturday night i'’m going out

with the guy who hates everybody.

Hmm. I have a good feeling about this one.

I'’m here, but I can'’t stay.

Of course not.

You poor thing.

Is that Zelda torturing you again?

Sadly, yes.

She'’s threatened to flunk me

if I Don'’t take that pointless makeup test today.

And lucky for you, I have it right here.

Oh, and when you'’re done with that, there are green tiles

in the bathroom that are supposed to be white.

Zelda: Have fun.

Nobody messes with the spellman sisters.

Mm-mm-mm-mmm.