All language subtitles for Sabrina.The.Teenage.Witch.S06E12.Sabrina.and.the.Candidate.WEB-DL.DDP2.0.H.264-squalor_track3_[eng]

Hello, everyone.
Thanks for coming.

You know, they say

that an honest politician
is as hard to find

as a quark in the
triangulan galaxy.

Trust me, it'’s
really, really hard.

The man that i'’m here
to support, Robert Russell,

is that quark.

Anybody know how
you spell "quark"?

No, but I like the word, though.

Quark! Quark! Quark!

Put a quark in it.

I'’m trying to take notes.

Sabrina, this is so exciting...

You getting to write
a big election story

for the newspaper.

Technically i'’m
not writing the story.

I'’m just taking notes

and bringing a large coffee
order back to the office.

Even better, since I just

raised the price of
lattes to $4.50 a cup.

Well, I Don'’t plan on
delivering coffee forever.

If I could learn
everything there is to know

about Russell'’s campaign,

then Mike would have
to let me write the story.

Before you know it,

i'’ll be the paper'’s
top political pundit.

Pundit! I like it.

Though it'’s no quark.

Zelda: Robert Russell...

Is an encyclopedia

on the ins and outs
of local government.

No one is better
informed on the issues.

Is it wrong to vote for
someone just because he'’s hot?

How do you think
Nixon got elected?

You know, you can only
vote if you'’re registered.

I'’m not registering
until I get married.

Hopefully to him.

Banging on the
doors of the city hall.

Where were all the hunky
politicians when I was young?

Did you ever see a
picture of James Madison?

Yeah, no wonder Dolly was
always making snack cakes.

So, without any further ado,

I would like to introduce you

to your next city councilman

Mr. Robert Russell.

Uh, thank you.

I thank you for
coming out, everybody.

Uh, it'’s especially
gratifying to have a rally

in the neighborhood
where I grew up.

Of course, that
was before it started

to become gentrified
with exorbitantly high rents,

but, but we haven'’t
lost the battle yet.

If i'’m elected, I
promise to fight

for this district and
protect our citizens

from senseless price-gouging.

I love this guy.

Why should you have to
pay $4.50 for a cup of coffee?

I hate this guy.

Sabrina, there'’s your story.

Robert Russell has
a drinking problem.

Well, it doesn'’t seem to
be hurting his popularity.

♪ Life'’s changing around me,
and i'’m gonna make it mine ♪

♪ i'’m reaching out and
living by my rules... ♪

♪ Time'’s moving way too fast ♪

♪ I wanna make it last...

♪ '’cause i'’m out
on my own now ♪

♪ and I like the way it feels.

Well, according to this poll,

Russell has 84% of the vote.

It'’s no wonder the
rest of the candidates

dropped out of the race.

I'’m not surprised.

I mean, after you
see him in person,

you realize why everyone
thinks he'’s so hot.

I mean, politically astute.

Objectively speaking, of course.

So you really think
Mike will let you

write a story about
the campaign?

He should.

Nobody knows more
about Russell than I do.

I mean, I know where
he stands on tax rebates,

domestic partner benefits,

even breakfast.

Just juice and coffee.

I guess that'’s
how he stays so...

Politically astute?

Yeah, before you start
shmearing his bagel,

you might want to check
out this latest candidate

to join the race.

I think you might know
even more about this one.

Nope. Don'’t know her.

Isn'’t your last name spellman?

Only until I go
to the courthouse

and get it changed.

Sabrina, why is your aunt

running for political office?

It'’s got to be a joke.

She doesn'’t know
anything about politics.

She didn'’t know
anything about coffee.

It didn'’t stop her from
buying a coffeehouse.

And this woman'’s
running for city council?

Not as long as there'’s
breath in my body.

The city must be saved!

Got to go.

Aunt hilda, why
are you doing this?

I'’ll tell you why.

Because she knows

how deeply committed I am

to getting Russell elected

and she'’s doing it for spite.

No.

Spite was when I jammed my feet

into your $300 heels.

I'’m running for office

because someone has to look out

for the good people
of westbridge.

And that someone is me.

I will not let you
make a mockery

of everything this
country stands for.

That would have sounded
a lot more convincing

if I was wearing a cape.

Somebody has to look out
for the small business owner.

Plus...

Robert Russell publicly stated

that my coffee
was too expensive.

Well, you know what
i'’m saying to him?

You'’re going down!

Aunt hilda, Robert Russell

is a highly respected
member of the community

with vast experience
in local government.

And you are a
political ignoramus.

With very wide feet.

All right, so I Don'’t know
every little thing about politics.

But i'’m a quick study.

And i'’m getting the best
consultants money can buy.

Okay, fellas.

What'’s my campaign strategy?

You'’re running?

It'’ll take four score
and seven years

to get any votes for you.

Even I wouldn'’t
charge up that hill.

Here'’s a declaration
of independence.

We'’re out of here.

Well, you can'’t argue

with three dead presidents.

They'’re just a
bunch of old fogies.

They Don'’t understand
modern politics.

Today'’s voters want a
regular person in office.

Somebody just like me.

Zelda: A 600-year-old witch.

With a milk mustache.

Sabrina: Aunt hilda,

you Don'’t stand a chance.

Robert Russell
has 84% of the vote.

And i'’m guessing

no one'’s going to go
for your campaign slogan

"he dissed me. Now
let'’s diss him back."

Here'’s something
that'’ll sway voters.

"Robert Russell is an
underhanded slimeball."

I knew it!

Salem, you do not go around

making accusations unless you
have something to back them up.

Which is why i'’ve got
something to back it up.

Per hildy'’s prodding, I
went out looking for dirt.

And once I finished
rolling around in it,

I observed Russell

with some very shady characters.

Ooh, shady characters.

Sabrina, you wanted
to write a story.

It'’s been handed to
you on a silver platter.

I can see the headline now:

"Talking cat sees
shady characters."

Aunt hilda, there is no story.

True.

The story'’s at
Russell'’s house.

And whoever would like
to accompany me there

will see this cat knows
whereof he speaks.

Salem, no one is going with you

to violate a man'’s privacy.

Which plays into
my plan perfectly.

I run with the
unsubstantiated rumor,

and there is no
evidence to dispute it.

I'’ll drive.

Sabrina: Oh, yeah,

this story'’s big, all right.

A man reading cat in
the hat to his daughter.

I love that book!

So much more accessible
than hop on pop.

Zelda: Salem, just as I suspected,
this is a total waste of time.

Hardly. This trash can has some

of the most outstanding
fish heads i'’ve ever eaten.

Ugh! Let'’s go home.

[Doorbell rings]

Oh, wait! Something'’s
happening!

Ooh, that'’s one of the
lowlifes I saw him with earlier.

He'’s sucking on
the same toothpick.

How gross is that?

This from a guy who eats
fish heads out of a trash can.

I can'’t see what'’s going on.

Well, then, we
have to get closer.

But first we have
to get all dolled up.

Wow, I never liked gingham,
but this totally works.

Maybe for you.

My bloomers are
stitched to my waist.

Time to accessorize.

Oh, my gosh.

Robert Russell is buying votes.

All right, Stan.
You know the drill.

Deliver this to the
appropriate constituents,

and not a word about
who they'’re from.

And, um...

Listen, tell Louie to
be here tomorrow night.

I have some money for
his people, too, all right?

Salem was right!
He is a slimeball!

[ Wailing]

Aunt Zelda, I know
you'’re disappointed,

but Don'’t cry.

I can'’t help it!

I'’m a baby-cries-a-lot.

Be thankful you'’re
not a Wendy-wee-wee.

My bladder'’s about to burst.

Let'’s get out of here.

I'’ve got to get this tape down
to the newspaper before...

Mama! Mama!

I could have sworn

I heard these two dolls
having a conversation.

[ Wailing]

Got to go wee-wee.
Got to go wee-wee.

There goes thatdiaper.

Josh: Hey, this
footage is amazing.

It'’s like there'’s
actually a camera

inside Russell'’s house.

Sabrina, how did you know
this was even going on?

The cat tipped me off.

And i'’m jiggy with that, man.

Mike: Hold on, I know this guy.

We ran a piece on him

when he was convicted
for selling stolen tvs.

Hey, you'’re right!

Crazy Larry!

No, no, wait.

Crazy Larry'’s was the
store he stole them from.

Forget crazy Larry.

Why is Robert Russell
giving money to an ex-con?

I'’ll tell you why.

Because he'’s buying votes.

But maybe it goes beyond that.

Maybe this guy
is Russell'’s link

to a wide network
of shady dealings.

I mean, maybe what
seems like a local scandal

really involves the whole city.

The state!

And who knows?

Maybe even an
international cover-up.

Hey, it could happen.

You'’ve still got a huge story.

The most popular and
supposedly upstanding politician

in the district is a crook.

Mike: Whoa, whoa, whoa.

You'’re getting
wayahead of yourselves.

We Don'’t print word one
until I interview Russell.

Once I get his
side of the story,

then you can start writing.

Call me crazy,

but that doll is a dead
ringer for your aunt Zelda.

No way.

That doll has a butt.

"Would-be councilman
bankrolls ex-con.

Russell responds
with no comment."

Wow.

Even in grainy black and white,

he'’s totally hot.

So sad.

There are no heroes left.

You know what you need, zellie?

A new hero.

And a tetanus shot!

Hi.

And here'’s myhero!

Oh, Sabrina,

I am going to be

westbridge'’s new councilwoman,

and it'’s all because of you.

Aunt hilda, I wrote that article

because people have
a right to know the truth,

not to help someone

who'’s completely
unqualified for the job.

Geez, learn to take a
compliment, will you?

So, Sabrina, if Russell
won'’t comment,

what do you
suppose he'’s hiding?

I can'’t stand it. I
Don'’t want to know.

Which works out well
because I Don'’t have a clue.

Isn'’t it your job to find out?

Yes, but I can'’t do anything
until I finish my shift here.

Oh, Don'’t you worry your
pretty little head about that, missy.

You go and take all
the time you need.

And Don'’t come back

until you'’ve completely
destroyed that man.

Oh, and take a muffin.

♪

That must be Louie.

Time to find out where
that cash is headed.

Wow, I am so money.

Whew!

Next time I get an
envelope with a window.

Okay, let'’s see what
kind of sleazy little scheme

i'’m being used for.

Thank you so much.

I'’ve been out of
work for three months

and I didn'’t know how I
was going to pay my rent.

Perhaps "sleazy" was a
bit of an overstatement.

Where did this money come from?

The giver wishes

to remain anonymous,

but I can tell you
this: He'’s a Saint.

Great, I just wrote a
scathing article about a Saint.

He'’s more than a Saint.

He'’s an angel.

And I just lopped off his wings.

Come on, kids.

We can finally stop
ducking the landlord.

Well, as much as i'’d
like to be used for rent,

I have a man'’s
reputation to save.

Okay, i'’ll just talk
to Mike, you know?

Get him to print a retraction.

I mean, he'’ll
understand. He'’s...

Hey, it'’s Ben Franklin day

down at, uh,
gorlick/davis motors.

We'’re clearing the lot, so
come check out all the deals.

First 50 people through
the door get a free kite.

Well, I just downloaded
the latest polls.

Let me see. Let me see!

Cases of asthma are up 17%.

Even higher in my family.

The political polls.

Oh, no.

I'’m down.

Way, way down.

Oh, up!

I'’m way, way up!

Russell'’s not buying votes.

He'’s giving money to the poor.

You have to run a retraction.

I can'’t run a retraction.

First off, you didn'’t
bring me any proof.

Secondly, I just got off
the phone with Russell.

He still says no comment.

I Don'’t get it.

He'’s doing incredibly
generous things for people.

Yeah, why would
he want to hide that?

Gee, that is a good question.

You know, if I
wanted the answer,

I wonder who
could get it for me.

Let'’s see,

this is a newspaper.

Perhaps somebody
wants to be a reporter.

Sabrina, do you know
anybody like that?

What about me?

Oh. You meant me.

Go.

Go, go, go, will you?

[ Doorbell ringing]

Hi. May I help you?

Hi. You Don'’t know me.

Well, you kind of know me.

Well, you probably
know my name...

Sabrina spellman?

I wrote that article
in the Boston citizen.

Look, I know you'’re
really a good guy

and you'’re giving all
that money to the poor,

but why are you
trying to hide it?

Why would I tell
you of all people?

Because I unfairly
damaged your reputation

and now I just want to help you.

But I can'’t help you
unless you let me.

Help you.

This isn'’t helping, is it?

Why Don'’t you come on in?

Look...

The reason I wasn'’t
completely forthcoming

was because I
was afraid the media

would spin the news unfairly.

You mean, like they already did?

They being me.

Me being really sorry.
Did I mention that?

Sabrina, I gave the
money anonymously

because I wanted
to help families

and give them a second chance.

But I didn'’t want people to
think that I was buying votes.

Makes sense to me.

And if you go on
record with that,

i'’m sure I can clear
this whole mess up.

Fine, i'’ll go on record.

But i'’m not going to give you

the names of the families
i'’ve been helping out.

I want to respect their privacy.

Hey, if there'’s one reporter who
understands respecting privacy,

it'’s me.

Starting now.

"Russell says money
was gift for the poor."

Excellent work, Sabrina.

I knew he was innocent.

And now everybody does.

The playing field
is once again level.

Okay, here'’s the latest poll.

Jennifer Lopez, still hot.

Robert Russell, still... not.

I'’m running against
Jennifer Lopez?

I Don'’t believe this.
After everything I did

to try to redeem this man,
people still think he'’s guilty.

It'’s a lot easier to
destroy a reputation

than it is to build one back up.

I'’m still trying to convince
people that nothing happened

between me and
Magellan on that ship.

Mike Magellan.

Catamaran salesman, nantucket.

I feel so bad for Russell.

I wish there was
something that I could do.

You and me both.

You could start by
registering to vote.

[ Sighing]

Okay.

How much do I owe you?

It'’s free.

Oh!

Why didn'’t you say
that in the first place?

There'’s got to be a spell

that will restore
Russell'’s reputation.

Here'’s one!

"To clear the air
and show he'’s great,

put him in a public debate."

Sabrina, I just had
the craziest idea!

Let'’s set up a debate
between hilda and Russell,

and I can broadcast
it on my radio show.

That is crazy.

So crazy it just might work.

Testing, check, check, check...

[ Feedback blares]

That'’s why we check.

This debate is exactly
what Russell needs.

When people see how
passionate he is about the issues,

they'’ll be convinced
of his integrity.

All I can say is,

I wouldn'’t want
to be aunt hilda

going up against him.

She must be shaking

in your $700 boots right now.

What?

[ Sighing]

I'’m glad you'’re both here.

Okay, here'’s a joke I
thought i'’d open with.

A priest, a rabbi,
and Camryn manheim

walk into a bar...

Like I said, we got
nothing to worry about.

What do I think about
multi-use rezoning?

I like it.

Rezoning, recycling,
refried beans.

Remember me when
you go to the polls.

[Chuckles]

Working like a charm, Sabrina.

Yup, I know.

Like taking candy from a baby.

Next question.

If this district is awarded
additional federal funds,

how would you use them?

Mr. Russell?

As i'’ve said all along,

our district'’s most
immediate needs

are with our elderly care
and after-school programs.

And you, Ms. Spellman?

Whatever it was he said.

Ms. Spellman, so
far you haven'’t told us

any of your views on anything.

Of course not.

I'’m a politician.

Ba-dum-bum!

That may have been the
final nail in her political coffin.

Ms. Spellman, our audience
expects to hear answers

to these serious questions.

I'’ll give you a
serious question.

Mr. Russell, I
would like to know

who these so-called
poor people are

that you are supposedly
giving money to.

I can'’t tell you that.

I have to respect their
privacy and anonymity.

How convenient.

Unfortunately, if you
want to be a public official,

your public is entitled
to know everything.

Entitled to know everything?

Sabrina, are you
thinking what i'’m thinking?

I'’m way ahead of you.

That is, if we'’re
thinking the same thing.

I'’m not going to
embarrass these families.

I'’d rather resign
from the race.

Well, i'’m not
going to debate that.

I have a question for
one of the candidates.

We'’re not taking questions
from the audience tonight.

Although here'’s a crazy idea:

Why not?

Ms. Spellman, you say the public

is entitled to know everything
about its elected officials.

Exactly. so, what
you'’re saying is,

if you were elected
to city council,

your private life would
be an open book.

Absolutely.

So, then you'’re okay
with the public knowing...

Let'’s say... how old you are?

I have no problem with that.

27.

[ Chuckling]

Ms. Spellman,
would you be willing

to share with the public your
complete personal history?

For instance, where
were you brought up?

Don'’t make me play
the Magellan card, zellie.

[ Sighing]

Catamaran salesman.

We just had dinner.

How about where you
went to high school?

Or where you
bought your toaster?

Or how you ended
up with that cat?

Okay, I get the point.

The public doesn'’t
need to know anything...

About anything.

Now, can we please
get back to the issues?

Fine.

How do you feel
about tort reform?

Oh, tort sounds great right now.

A little ice cream
on the side...

Okay, i'’m 30.

Aunt Zelda, I think
our work here is done.

According to this latest poll,

Russell is back to his
original 84% of the vote.

However, when asked

"with which candidate
would you rather play twister?"

99% said hilda.

Well, that woman is
a demon on all fours.

So, have you thought about

what you'’re
going to write next?

Yeah, I have.

My resignation.

What?

Well, I almost destroyed a man

and i'’m only an intern.

Imagine the damage I would do

if I became a
full-fledged reporter.

Hold on, you'’re being
way too hard on yourself.

I ran that story

because I thought it was
the right call at the time.

Sometimes you do make mistakes.

There'’s nothing you can do

but go home and cry like a baby.

Is that what you do?

No, but i'’m guessing you might.

Look, Sabrina, if
you really want to quit,

I guess I can'’t stop you.

Yes, I can.

You'’re good at this.

Don'’t be an idiot.

Now get back to work.

I guess I have no choice.

No.

Well, then I guess

I should start thinking
about my next story.

Um, this time I
want to do something

really uncontroversial.

Like, maybe, the dog show.

Uncontroversial?

Are you joking?

You write something
nice about the chihuahuas,

the corgi coalition
gets on your tail.

So, what you'’re saying is,

no matter what I write, i'’m
going to offend somebody.

Mm-hmm.

And when you get
to be as good as I am,

you can do it
without even writing.

We have the final tally
in the city council race:

Robert Russell: 12,782
votes; Hilda spellman: One.

Oh, i'’m sorry, aunt hilda.

At least you voted for yourself.

Actually I didn'’t vote.

I couldn'’t find parking.

Well, there'’s one
voter out there

who believed in
what you stood for.

There'’s been a correction.

A vote has just
been disqualified.

Election officials have found
that a paw print was substituted

in place of an actual signature.

Hey, you try holding a
pen with just a dewclaw.

That makes the final tally

Russell: 12,782; Spellman: Zero.

It'’s a total shutout.

That'’s awful.

Well, look at it
this way, honey.

You were a lot
funnier than Russell.

You'’re right.

And that'’s going to
be my ace in the hole

when I run for governor.

Who'’s up for a game of twister?

Hey, Mike, great.

I'’m glad I caught you.

Got news for you, Sabrina.

I'’m not that tough to catch.

Well, I finally did it.

I wrote the perfect article.

It'’s current, it'’s precise,

and it offends
absolutely no one.

"Suburban subdivision...

"Streetlights added...

"Neighborhood
watch doing their job...

Bake sale an
unqualified success."

Well?

You'’re right: No one could
possibly be offended by this.

I knew it. And I know
just what to do with it.

Well, what if I include

the fight over who
had the best brownies...

The nuts lady or
the no-nuts lady?

You'’re nuts, lady. Good-bye.