Original subtitles

Hello, everyone. Thanks for coming.

You know, they say

that an honest politician is as hard to find

as a quark in the triangulan galaxy.

Trust me, it'’s really, really hard.

The man that i'’m here to support, Robert Russell,

is that quark.

Anybody know how you spell "quark"?

No, but I like the word, though.

Quark! Quark! Quark!

Put a quark in it.

I'’m trying to take notes.

Sabrina, this is so exciting...

You getting to write a big election story

for the newspaper.

Technically i'’m not writing the story.

I'’m just taking notes

and bringing a large coffee order back to the office.

Even better, since I just

raised the price of lattes to $4.50 a cup.

Well, I Don'’t plan on delivering coffee forever.

If I could learn everything there is to know

about Russell'’s campaign,

then Mike would have to let me write the story.

Before you know it,

i'’ll be the paper'’s top political pundit.

Pundit! I like it.

Though it'’s no quark.

Zelda: Robert Russell...

Is an encyclopedia

on the ins and outs of local government.

No one is better informed on the issues.

Is it wrong to vote for someone just because he'’s hot?

How do you think Nixon got elected?

You know, you can only vote if you'’re registered.

I'’m not registering until I get married.

Hopefully to him.

Banging on the doors of the city hall.

Where were all the hunky politicians when I was young?

Did you ever see a picture of James Madison?

Yeah, no wonder Dolly was always making snack cakes.

So, without any further ado,

I would like to introduce you

to your next city councilman

Mr. Robert Russell.

Uh, thank you.

I thank you for coming out, everybody.

Uh, it'’s especially gratifying to have a rally

in the neighborhood where I grew up.

Of course, that was before it started

to become gentrified with exorbitantly high rents,

but, but we haven'’t lost the battle yet.

If i'’m elected, I promise to fight

for this district and protect our citizens

from senseless price-gouging.

I love this guy.

Why should you have to pay $4.50 for a cup of coffee?

I hate this guy.

Sabrina, there'’s your story.

Robert Russell has a drinking problem.

Well, it doesn'’t seem to be hurting his popularity.

♪ Life'’s changing around me, and i'’m gonna make it mine ♪

♪ i'’m reaching out and living by my rules... ♪

♪ Time'’s moving way too fast ♪

♪ I wanna make it last...

♪ '’cause i'’m out on my own now ♪

♪ and I like the way it feels.

Well, according to this poll,

Russell has 84% of the vote.

It'’s no wonder the rest of the candidates

dropped out of the race.

I'’m not surprised.

I mean, after you see him in person,

you realize why everyone thinks he'’s so hot.

I mean, politically astute.

Objectively speaking, of course.

So you really think Mike will let you

write a story about the campaign?

He should.

Nobody knows more about Russell than I do.

I mean, I know where he stands on tax rebates,

domestic partner benefits,

even breakfast.

Just juice and coffee.

I guess that'’s how he stays so...

Politically astute?

Yeah, before you start shmearing his bagel,

you might want to check out this latest candidate

to join the race.

I think you might know even more about this one.

Nope. Don'’t know her.

Isn'’t your last name spellman?

Only until I go to the courthouse

and get it changed.

Sabrina, why is your aunt

running for political office?

It'’s got to be a joke.

She doesn'’t know anything about politics.

She didn'’t know anything about coffee.

It didn'’t stop her from buying a coffeehouse.

And this woman'’s running for city council?

Not as long as there'’s breath in my body.

The city must be saved!

Got to go.

Aunt hilda, why are you doing this?

I'’ll tell you why.

Because she knows

how deeply committed I am

to getting Russell elected

and she'’s doing it for spite.

No.

Spite was when I jammed my feet

into your $300 heels.

I'’m running for office

because someone has to look out

for the good people of westbridge.

And that someone is me.

I will not let you make a mockery

of everything this country stands for.

That would have sounded a lot more convincing

if I was wearing a cape.

Somebody has to look out for the small business owner.

Plus...

Robert Russell publicly stated

that my coffee was too expensive.

Well, you know what i'’m saying to him?

You'’re going down!

Aunt hilda, Robert Russell

is a highly respected member of the community

with vast experience in local government.

And you are a political ignoramus.

With very wide feet.

All right, so I Don'’t know every little thing about politics.

But i'’m a quick study.

And i'’m getting the best consultants money can buy.

Okay, fellas.

What'’s my campaign strategy?

You'’re running?

It'’ll take four score and seven years

to get any votes for you.

Even I wouldn'’t charge up that hill.

Here'’s a declaration of independence.

We'’re out of here.

Well, you can'’t argue

with three dead presidents.

They'’re just a bunch of old fogies.

They Don'’t understand modern politics.

Today'’s voters want a regular person in office.

Somebody just like me.

Zelda: A 600-year-old witch.

With a milk mustache.

Sabrina: Aunt hilda,

you Don'’t stand a chance.

Robert Russell has 84% of the vote.

And i'’m guessing

no one'’s going to go for your campaign slogan

"he dissed me. Now let'’s diss him back."

Here'’s something that'’ll sway voters.

"Robert Russell is an underhanded slimeball."

I knew it!

Salem, you do not go around

making accusations unless you have something to back them up.

Which is why i'’ve got something to back it up.

Per hildy'’s prodding, I went out looking for dirt.

And once I finished rolling around in it,

I observed Russell

with some very shady characters.

Ooh, shady characters.

Sabrina, you wanted to write a story.

It'’s been handed to you on a silver platter.

I can see the headline now:

"Talking cat sees shady characters."

Aunt hilda, there is no story.

True.

The story'’s at Russell'’s house.

And whoever would like to accompany me there

will see this cat knows whereof he speaks.

Salem, no one is going with you

to violate a man'’s privacy.

Which plays into my plan perfectly.

I run with the unsubstantiated rumor,

and there is no evidence to dispute it.

I'’ll drive.

Sabrina: Oh, yeah,

this story'’s big, all right.

A man reading cat in the hat to his daughter.

I love that book!

So much more accessible than hop on pop.

Zelda: Salem, just as I suspected, this is a total waste of time.

Hardly. This trash can has some

of the most outstanding fish heads i'’ve ever eaten.

Ugh! Let'’s go home.

[Doorbell rings]

Oh, wait! Something'’s happening!

Ooh, that'’s one of the lowlifes I saw him with earlier.

He'’s sucking on the same toothpick.

How gross is that?

This from a guy who eats fish heads out of a trash can.

I can'’t see what'’s going on.

Well, then, we have to get closer.

But first we have to get all dolled up.

Wow, I never liked gingham, but this totally works.

Maybe for you.

My bloomers are stitched to my waist.

Time to accessorize.

Oh, my gosh.

Robert Russell is buying votes.

All right, Stan. You know the drill.

Deliver this to the appropriate constituents,

and not a word about who they'’re from.

And, um...

Listen, tell Louie to be here tomorrow night.

I have some money for his people, too, all right?

Salem was right! He is a slimeball!

[ Wailing]

Aunt Zelda, I know you'’re disappointed,

but Don'’t cry.

I can'’t help it!

I'’m a baby-cries-a-lot.

Be thankful you'’re not a Wendy-wee-wee.

My bladder'’s about to burst.

Let'’s get out of here.

I'’ve got to get this tape down to the newspaper before...

Mama! Mama!

I could have sworn

I heard these two dolls having a conversation.

[ Wailing]

Got to go wee-wee. Got to go wee-wee.

There goes thatdiaper.

Josh: Hey, this footage is amazing.

It'’s like there'’s actually a camera

inside Russell'’s house.

Sabrina, how did you know this was even going on?

The cat tipped me off.

And i'’m jiggy with that, man.

Mike: Hold on, I know this guy.

We ran a piece on him

when he was convicted for selling stolen tvs.

Hey, you'’re right!

Crazy Larry!

No, no, wait.

Crazy Larry'’s was the store he stole them from.

Forget crazy Larry.

Why is Robert Russell giving money to an ex-con?

I'’ll tell you why.

Because he'’s buying votes.

But maybe it goes beyond that.

Maybe this guy is Russell'’s link

to a wide network of shady dealings.

I mean, maybe what seems like a local scandal

really involves the whole city.

The state!

And who knows?

Maybe even an international cover-up.

Hey, it could happen.

You'’ve still got a huge story.

The most popular and supposedly upstanding politician

in the district is a crook.

Mike: Whoa, whoa, whoa.

You'’re getting wayahead of yourselves.

We Don'’t print word one until I interview Russell.

Once I get his side of the story,

then you can start writing.

Call me crazy,

but that doll is a dead ringer for your aunt Zelda.

No way.

That doll has a butt.

"Would-be councilman bankrolls ex-con.

Russell responds with no comment."

Wow.

Even in grainy black and white,

he'’s totally hot.

So sad.

There are no heroes left.

You know what you need, zellie?

A new hero.

And a tetanus shot!

Hi.

And here'’s myhero!

Oh, Sabrina,

I am going to be

westbridge'’s new councilwoman,

and it'’s all because of you.

Aunt hilda, I wrote that article

because people have a right to know the truth,

not to help someone

who'’s completely unqualified for the job.

Geez, learn to take a compliment, will you?

So, Sabrina, if Russell won'’t comment,

what do you suppose he'’s hiding?

I can'’t stand it. I Don'’t want to know.

Which works out well because I Don'’t have a clue.

Isn'’t it your job to find out?

Yes, but I can'’t do anything until I finish my shift here.

Oh, Don'’t you worry your pretty little head about that, missy.

You go and take all the time you need.

And Don'’t come back

until you'’ve completely destroyed that man.

Oh, and take a muffin.

♪

That must be Louie.

Time to find out where that cash is headed.

Wow, I am so money.

Whew!

Next time I get an envelope with a window.

Okay, let'’s see what kind of sleazy little scheme

i'’m being used for.

Thank you so much.

I'’ve been out of work for three months

and I didn'’t know how I was going to pay my rent.

Perhaps "sleazy" was a bit of an overstatement.

Where did this money come from?

The giver wishes

to remain anonymous,

but I can tell you this: He'’s a Saint.

Great, I just wrote a scathing article about a Saint.

He'’s more than a Saint.

He'’s an angel.

And I just lopped off his wings.

Come on, kids.

We can finally stop ducking the landlord.

Well, as much as i'’d like to be used for rent,

I have a man'’s reputation to save.

Okay, i'’ll just talk to Mike, you know?

Get him to print a retraction.

I mean, he'’ll understand. He'’s...

Hey, it'’s Ben Franklin day

down at, uh, gorlick/davis motors.

We'’re clearing the lot, so come check out all the deals.

First 50 people through the door get a free kite.

Well, I just downloaded the latest polls.

Let me see. Let me see!

Cases of asthma are up 17%.

Even higher in my family.

The political polls.

Oh, no.

I'’m down.

Way, way down.

Oh, up!

I'’m way, way up!

Russell'’s not buying votes.

He'’s giving money to the poor.

You have to run a retraction.

I can'’t run a retraction.

First off, you didn'’t bring me any proof.

Secondly, I just got off the phone with Russell.

He still says no comment.

I Don'’t get it.

He'’s doing incredibly generous things for people.

Yeah, why would he want to hide that?

Gee, that is a good question.

You know, if I wanted the answer,

I wonder who could get it for me.

Let'’s see,

this is a newspaper.

Perhaps somebody wants to be a reporter.

Sabrina, do you know anybody like that?

What about me?

Oh. You meant me.

Go.

Go, go, go, will you?

[ Doorbell ringing]

Hi. May I help you?

Hi. You Don'’t know me.

Well, you kind of know me.

Well, you probably know my name...

Sabrina spellman?

I wrote that article in the Boston citizen.

Look, I know you'’re really a good guy

and you'’re giving all that money to the poor,

but why are you trying to hide it?

Why would I tell you of all people?

Because I unfairly damaged your reputation

and now I just want to help you.

But I can'’t help you unless you let me.

Help you.

This isn'’t helping, is it?

Why Don'’t you come on in?

Look...

The reason I wasn'’t completely forthcoming

was because I was afraid the media

would spin the news unfairly.

You mean, like they already did?

They being me.

Me being really sorry. Did I mention that?

Sabrina, I gave the money anonymously

because I wanted to help families

and give them a second chance.

But I didn'’t want people to think that I was buying votes.

Makes sense to me.

And if you go on record with that,

i'’m sure I can clear this whole mess up.

Fine, i'’ll go on record.

But i'’m not going to give you

the names of the families i'’ve been helping out.

I want to respect their privacy.

Hey, if there'’s one reporter who understands respecting privacy,

it'’s me.

Starting now.

"Russell says money was gift for the poor."

Excellent work, Sabrina.

I knew he was innocent.

And now everybody does.

The playing field is once again level.

Okay, here'’s the latest poll.

Jennifer Lopez, still hot.

Robert Russell, still... not.

I'’m running against Jennifer Lopez?

I Don'’t believe this. After everything I did

to try to redeem this man, people still think he'’s guilty.

It'’s a lot easier to destroy a reputation

than it is to build one back up.

I'’m still trying to convince people that nothing happened

between me and Magellan on that ship.

Mike Magellan.

Catamaran salesman, nantucket.

I feel so bad for Russell.

I wish there was something that I could do.

You and me both.

You could start by registering to vote.

[ Sighing]

Okay.

How much do I owe you?

It'’s free.

Oh!

Why didn'’t you say that in the first place?

There'’s got to be a spell

that will restore Russell'’s reputation.

Here'’s one!

"To clear the air and show he'’s great,

put him in a public debate."

Sabrina, I just had the craziest idea!

Let'’s set up a debate between hilda and Russell,

and I can broadcast it on my radio show.

That is crazy.

So crazy it just might work.

Testing, check, check, check...

[ Feedback blares]

That'’s why we check.

This debate is exactly what Russell needs.

When people see how passionate he is about the issues,

they'’ll be convinced of his integrity.

All I can say is,

I wouldn'’t want to be aunt hilda

going up against him.

She must be shaking

in your $700 boots right now.

What?

[ Sighing]

I'’m glad you'’re both here.

Okay, here'’s a joke I thought i'’d open with.

A priest, a rabbi, and Camryn manheim

walk into a bar...

Like I said, we got nothing to worry about.

What do I think about multi-use rezoning?

I like it.

Rezoning, recycling, refried beans.

Remember me when you go to the polls.

[Chuckles]

Working like a charm, Sabrina.

Yup, I know.

Like taking candy from a baby.

Next question.

If this district is awarded additional federal funds,

how would you use them?

Mr. Russell?

As i'’ve said all along,

our district'’s most immediate needs

are with our elderly care and after-school programs.

And you, Ms. Spellman?

Whatever it was he said.

Ms. Spellman, so far you haven'’t told us

any of your views on anything.

Of course not.

I'’m a politician.

Ba-dum-bum!

That may have been the final nail in her political coffin.

Ms. Spellman, our audience expects to hear answers

to these serious questions.

I'’ll give you a serious question.

Mr. Russell, I would like to know

who these so-called poor people are

that you are supposedly giving money to.

I can'’t tell you that.

I have to respect their privacy and anonymity.

How convenient.

Unfortunately, if you want to be a public official,

your public is entitled to know everything.

Entitled to know everything?

Sabrina, are you thinking what i'’m thinking?

I'’m way ahead of you.

That is, if we'’re thinking the same thing.

I'’m not going to embarrass these families.

I'’d rather resign from the race.

Well, i'’m not going to debate that.

I have a question for one of the candidates.

We'’re not taking questions from the audience tonight.

Although here'’s a crazy idea:

Why not?

Ms. Spellman, you say the public

is entitled to know everything about its elected officials.

Exactly. so, what you'’re saying is,

if you were elected to city council,

your private life would be an open book.

Absolutely.

So, then you'’re okay with the public knowing...

Let'’s say... how old you are?

I have no problem with that.

27.

[ Chuckling]

Ms. Spellman, would you be willing

to share with the public your complete personal history?

For instance, where were you brought up?

Don'’t make me play the Magellan card, zellie.

[ Sighing]

Catamaran salesman.

We just had dinner.

How about where you went to high school?

Or where you bought your toaster?

Or how you ended up with that cat?

Okay, I get the point.

The public doesn'’t need to know anything...

About anything.

Now, can we please get back to the issues?

Fine.

How do you feel about tort reform?

Oh, tort sounds great right now.

A little ice cream on the side...

Okay, i'’m 30.

Aunt Zelda, I think our work here is done.

According to this latest poll,

Russell is back to his original 84% of the vote.

However, when asked

"with which candidate would you rather play twister?"

99% said hilda.

Well, that woman is a demon on all fours.

So, have you thought about

what you'’re going to write next?

Yeah, I have.

My resignation.

What?

Well, I almost destroyed a man

and i'’m only an intern.

Imagine the damage I would do

if I became a full-fledged reporter.

Hold on, you'’re being way too hard on yourself.

I ran that story

because I thought it was the right call at the time.

Sometimes you do make mistakes.

There'’s nothing you can do

but go home and cry like a baby.

Is that what you do?

No, but i'’m guessing you might.

Look, Sabrina, if you really want to quit,

I guess I can'’t stop you.

Yes, I can.

You'’re good at this.

Don'’t be an idiot.

Now get back to work.

I guess I have no choice.

No.

Well, then I guess

I should start thinking about my next story.

Um, this time I want to do something

really uncontroversial.

Like, maybe, the dog show.

Uncontroversial?

Are you joking?

You write something nice about the chihuahuas,

the corgi coalition gets on your tail.

So, what you'’re saying is,

no matter what I write, i'’m going to offend somebody.

Mm-hmm.

And when you get to be as good as I am,

you can do it without even writing.

We have the final tally in the city council race:

Robert Russell: 12,782 votes; Hilda spellman: One.

Oh, i'’m sorry, aunt hilda.

At least you voted for yourself.

Actually I didn'’t vote.

I couldn'’t find parking.

Well, there'’s one voter out there

who believed in what you stood for.

There'’s been a correction.

A vote has just been disqualified.

Election officials have found that a paw print was substituted

in place of an actual signature.

Hey, you try holding a pen with just a dewclaw.

That makes the final tally

Russell: 12,782; Spellman: Zero.

It'’s a total shutout.

That'’s awful.

Well, look at it this way, honey.

You were a lot funnier than Russell.

You'’re right.

And that'’s going to be my ace in the hole

when I run for governor.

Who'’s up for a game of twister?

Hey, Mike, great.

I'’m glad I caught you.

Got news for you, Sabrina.

I'’m not that tough to catch.

Well, I finally did it.

I wrote the perfect article.

It'’s current, it'’s precise,

and it offends absolutely no one.

"Suburban subdivision...

"Streetlights added...

"Neighborhood watch doing their job...

Bake sale an unqualified success."

Well?

You'’re right: No one could possibly be offended by this.

I knew it. And I know just what to do with it.

Well, what if I include

the fight over who had the best brownies...

The nuts lady or the no-nuts lady?

You'’re nuts, lady. Good-bye.