Original subtitles

So, which was it...

Staff meeting or tailgate party?

Staff meeting.

To discuss what'’s happening

with the sanitation workers.

Looks we'’re going to have a garbage strike.

And I may be leading it.

Hey, you knew when you became an intern

that it also meant being a glorified maid.

Well, fortunately, there'’s light

at the end of the mustard-splattered tunnel.

I just wrote an article that could land me my own column.

Ooh, I love it.

Today a crumb-sweeper, tomorrow a...

Crumb-sweeper with a column.

So, what'’s the story about?

How credit card companies prey on college students.

First, they get solicitors on campus

that seduce the kids with all kinds of free gifts.

Yeah, you mean like phone cards, t-shirts, candy?

Yeah, how did you know?

Go on.

Well, then they rush them into signing an application

before they even read the fine print.

Stupid fine print.

I mean, that-that sounds like a great idea for a story.

Thanks. But it wasn'’t totally my idea.

Actually, roxie suggested it.

I'’m going to take her to dinner.

When I can look at food again.

It'’s funny how you two ended up being best friends.

Didn'’t she hate you at first?

Oh, roxie hates everybody at first.

It'’s her way of reaching out to people.

Uh, bub, bub, bub, bub...

That is a perfectly good half cruller.

Hey, Mike, did you get a chance to read my article yet?

Oh, yeah, I put aside the sanitation issue

and the welfare of the entire city

so I could really focus on what my intern wrote.

Next time less powdered, more glazed.

See, now, me... I prefer the powdered over the glazed.

Who cares?

If Mike would just read my article,

then he would stop thinking of me as the doughnut girl

and look at me with a newfound respect.

And with even more respect

when I get rid of this jelly stain.

[ Chuckles]

Hmm... what the heck?

♪ Life'’s changing around me, and i'’m gonna make it mine ♪

♪ i'’m reaching out and living by my rules... ♪

♪ Time'’s moving way too fast ♪

♪ I wanna make it last...

♪ '’cause i'’m out on my own now ♪

♪ and I like the way it feels.

Hard day gathering hard news?

I wish.

First, I had to pick up donut crumbs.

Then I had to scrape my ego off the floor.

Mike chastised me for bugging him about my article.

Maybe this will take your mind off your problems.

Roxie: Hi, and welcome to chick chat.

Today a very special chick

is going to be chatting with me...

My roommate Morgan Cavanaugh.

Has she gone mad?

Why would roxie have Morgan on the show?

I'’m filing it under "bizarre, inexplicable phenomena."

Morgan is my complete opposite

morally, spiritually, and intellectually.

Because we disagree on everything,

I thought it would make for compelling radio.

I disagree.

Okay, here'’s our first topic.

How should students design their curriculum?

Ideally, with a curriculum designer.

But they Don'’t exist.

Giorgio Armani, hello?

[ Tapping desk]: Untapped market.

I believe we students

should take classes we'’re passionate about,

not just those that will get us closer to our degrees.

That'’s fine if you want to be

the oldest living sociology major on welfare.

I, however, am going after the classes

that will get me a seven-figure income

and homes on three continents.

You are the shallowest person i'’ve ever met.

She had to have her on the radio to discover that?

Morgan: You are a hostile pseudo-intellectual

whose hair is begging for a hot oil treatment.

And your hair is begging for a brain to keep under it.

This is a train wreck waiting to happen.

Here'’s the best part.

Pretty soon they'’ll be bringing it all back here.

Which is why i'’m going to get something to eat.

You want to come?

And miss the possibility

of women wrestling in my own home?

I'’m out of here.

And while you'’re drooling, try to protect the counter.

Zellie, have you seen our finances lately?

We'’ve lost a ton in the stock market.

Oh, everybody has.

But we'’re lucky.

We get to invest in the other realm market.

I'’m sure we'’ve made plenty of money there.

Let'’s check.

We'’re taking a bath.

Salem, what are you doing in here?

I just like splashing around in the bubbles.

[ Laughing]

Oops! Dropped the soap.

Zellie, we'’re in hot water.

We need an investment that'’s safe, smart, and liquid.

I'’ve got it.

Real estate.

I'’ve always wanted a vacation home.

Maybe a little beach house on Cape Cod?

Forget it, sisso, we'’re getting a mountain cabin.

I Don'’t do sand crabs or Kennedys.

Okay, I had a horrible day and a really bad Patty melt.

I Don'’t want to hear any fighting out of you two.

Who'’s fighting?

We'’re giving each other pedicures.

How do I look in "lilac fudge"?

Very stylish, but I still prefer you

in "cherries jubilee."

I Don'’t get it.

On the radio you guys

were ready to strangle each other.

That'’s before we racked up

the highest ratings in the station'’s history.

Yes.

That'’s great.

Oh, you'’ll never believe what happened to me today.

Hold on, Sabrina, did I tell you that the station manager

called chick chat his flagship show?

He says that he wants to put it on the Internet

so that anybody that missed it live

can catch it later.

[ Laughing]

I'’ll say it one last time.

A wrestling component

could bring in a whole other audience.

So, anyway, I asked Mike to read my article

and he just about ripped my head off.

Oh, careful, roxie, you'’re getting nail Polish

on my cuticle.

Roxie: Sorry.

Hey, do you know anything that softens calluses?

Yeah, me.

As soon as you are done with my toes,

I will teach you the fine art of pumicing.

You know, my feet

could use a little work...

At some point... By a licensed professional.

You know, speaking of professional,

I may have to switch professions

since Mike chewed me out about my article.

Which article?

Oh, you know, the one you gave me the idea for.

The one about credit cards?

Yeah, yeah.

Big companies ripping off students.

Hey, I got a great idea for our next show.

Morgan: Outstanding. What is it?

Let'’s talk about god.

Oh, god is fabulous!

Without him, we wouldn'’t have seasons and Joey fatone.

[ Giggling]

It'’s true.

Zelda: We looked at five houses, and none of them

were good enough for lady cheapskate.

The were all overpriced.

Oh, please, the last seller we talked to

came down 50%.

That is, until hilda made her cry.

It'’s called negotiating.

It'’s called strong-arming an 85-year-old widow.

Excuse me, a spry 85-year-old widow.

Hilda, I Don'’t want to fight about this anymore.

Why Don'’t you just pick out a house that you want

and tell me where to sign?

That is the first rational thing

that you'’ve said all day. Tea?

Please.

Finally, some peace and quiet.

My life is a complete disaster.

So much for quiet.

I poured my heart into an article

my boss won'’t even read,

and now roxie, who I thought was my best friend,

is all buddy-buddy with Morgan and clipping her toenails.

I'’ve got a better one.

My sister, who is supposed to be mybest friend,

spent the entire day dismissing me

while we were house-hunting.

I thought we had settled this.

Obviously I still have issues.

I'’ll say.

Issue number one: You stink with money.

Zelda: Istink with money? Your middle name is sucker.

I can'’t help that.

I'’m named after grandma sucker.

Well, i'’m going to go jump off a speeding bus.

Thanks for your warm words of consolation.

Our pleasure. Bye, honey.

Actually, if you remember,

grandma'’s full name was sucker-buffoon.[Door opens]

[Door closes]

Ooh, perfect timing.

Oh, let me guess.

The cappuccino maker exploded, and they need me

to wipe the crud off the ceiling.

Yeah, but there'’s something else.

There'’s a lull in the garbage talks, and Mike'’s here.

Maybe now'’s a better time

to talk to him about your article.

No way.

The last thing Mike wants to do right now is talk to me.

Hey, spellman, can I talk to you?

I want to do an article on Adams college.

That'’s great. I'’m so glad that you'’ve read my...

Have you heard these girls on chick chat?

Well, yeah, I guess somewhere along the way

i'’ve caught the show.

Are they as phenomenal as everyone says?

I suppose, you know, if "phenomenal" is your thing.

Yeah, it is.

Bruce, I need 1,500 words on those chick chatchicks.

Hey, Mike, I know them.

You want me to take some photos?

Mike: That'’s what I pay you for.

Oh, this just gets better and better.

Salem: The other realm people finder?

Yeah, i'’m trying to get in touch with my past.

Maybe it'’ll help me forget my present.

I can relate.

No, I can'’t.

What'’s wrong with your present?

Well, let'’s see.

My writing career is over before it started.

My best friend has a new best friend,

and they have a hit radio show

that was a flop when I was on it.

Basically i'’m a failure in all mediums.

It'’s "me-dyah."

And now my cat is correcting my grammar.

I think that'’s known as rock-bottom.

Who'’s Cathy winters?

Somebody who was always there for me.

She was my best friend till we were 16.

In fact, we both found out we were witches at the same time.

Then she moved to the other realm.

Hey, Cathy, it'’s me, Sabrina.

Oh, my gosh... Sabrina ballerina.

Chatty Cathy.

This is so weird.

I was just thinking about you

and Beth connelly'’s slumber party.

That time you put my bra in the freezer?

Talk about colder than a witch'’s... never mind.

So what'’s up, Sabrina?

I just missed you and wanted to see how you were doing.

I'’m great.

I'’m working as a travel agent in the other realm.

Hey, why Don'’t you pop over for a visit?

Unless you'’ve got more important things going on in your life.

I'’ll be right there.

Sabrina, it is so great to see you.

You, too.

Wow, what a place.

You must be doing really well, huh?

I'’m very lucky.

I have a very loyal clientele.

After their first trip with me,

they always seem to come back for more.

So, what'’s your specialty... Time travel?

Outer galaxy tours?

River rafting on Jupiter?

Actually, my specialty is relaxation getaways

for people that are really stressed out by everyday life.

Boy, did I come to the right place.

Hey, Cathy, I had the worst day at the office today.

My new boss is a complete gargoyle.

Literally.

Any chance you can book me a getaway right now?

Absolutely.

Seth, say hello to my old friend Sabrina.

Nice to meet you.

That bad day stuff must be contagious.

I had one, too.

Then you should come up with me to cloud ten.

It'’s such a trip.

Cloud ten? I thought they only went up to nine.

This is a new state- of-the-art cloud.

30% fluffier than nine

and a silver lining that'’ll knock your socks off.

Oh, I Don'’t know about this.

Come on, what do you have to lose...

Except your problems?

Hmm... what the heck?

I am on vacation.

Here we are.

Wow, this is incredible.

Everyone seems so...

mellow.

The longer you'’re up here, the mellower you get.

Hey, Cathy.

Thanks for another great trip.

Oh, uh, Bob back there... He likes it so much,

he wants to extend his stay.

I'’ll get him squared away.

Andy, this is Sabrina.

She'’s a first-timer.

[ Knowing chuckle]

So what kind of worries brought you here?

Oh, you know, thankless job,

friends who Don'’t seem to care,

life going right down the toilet.

Hmm. Well, close your eyes,

take a deep breath,

and I guarantee all your problems will disappear.

[ Inhaling deeply]

Wow. It'’s like my problems never even existed.

[ Chuckles]

I can'’t believe i'’ve been walking around like a wreck

in the mortal realm when instead...

You could have been on cloud ten.

Wow, this is incredible.

I feel like i'’m floating on air.

And not just because i'’m on a cloud.

What'’s so great about this place

is it frees your mind

to think about the really important things in life.

For instance...

I'’ve got four freckles on the back of my hand.

Why?

Wow, that is deep.

And why is it called peanut butter

if there'’s no butter in it?

I Don'’t know.

And why are they called peanuts?

I Don'’t know.

We should think about this for a couple hours.

Okay.

What were we thinking about again?

So, Sabrina,

are you enjoying yourself?

I am... what I yam.

And that'’s all I yam.

Hey, you know what would taste so good right now?

A big old yam.

[ Gasps]

Thanks.

I love this place.

I think she'’s hooked on cloud ten.

It'’s hard not to be.

You look at all those poor idiots down there

who are still worrying about their jobs,

their relationships,

and their needlessly complicated lives.

Like that guy.

He'’s worried about getting an "a" on his midterm.

Then he'’ll get an "a" on his midterm

and worry about getting an "a" on his final.

Only it'’s not final

because it doesn'’t end there.

Yeah, then he'’ll worry about getting his degree,

getting a job, getting married, getting old.

Oh, reality'’s a drag.

Even thinking about it is a drag.

Then why are we?

Let'’s dance.

Whoo-hoo!

Zellie, the search is over.

I found us the perfect house.

I hope no octogenarians

were harmed in the process.

She'’ll bounce back.

Anyway, the house is gorgeous and roomy.

Salem even gets his view of the Kennedys.

If you call Ted in a speedo a view.

What did you do, try on my lipstick?

Yeah, and I ate a tube of mascara.

Sue me!

Ow!

Anyway, Zelda, the house is a great English tudor.

It has five bedrooms,

four baths, and hardwood floors in every room.

Sounds perfect.

Plus, it'’s close to the airport.

Closeto the airport?

It'’s on the runway!

Salem! Hilda.

Okay, i'’ll keep looking.

Great news.

There'’s been some major progress

in the garbage negotiations.

Both sides have finally agreed

on where to have the next meeting.

Ooh.

Hey, speaking of garbage,

Sabrina wrote this piece that...

I mean, this really great piece...

Save your breath.

I read it. It is great.

And as soon as she makes some changes,

it'’s going right in the paper.

That'’s fantastic. Can I call and tell her?

No, no, it'’s a big secret.

Get her on the horn!

I need those changes done.

Well, to tone biceps, I always do dumbbell curls.

Now, for triceps, nothing beats

two or three sets of seated push-ups.

Man [ On phone]: What exactly does that have to do

with the unemployment rate?

I think I can explain.

Morgan, the caller wanted to talk about the lack of work,

not the lack of working out.

I know that.

I just thought listeners would be more interested

in how I firm my upper body.

Okay, let'’s go to the next caller.

You'’re on with chick chat.

Roxie, it'’s Josh.

Do you know where Sabrina is?

She'’s not answering her cell phone.

You'’re calling a radio station

to find out where your girlfriend is?

What'’s wrong with that?

I make my boyfriend check in every half hour.

That is so dominating and controlling.

You say that like it'’s a bad thing.

Because it is.

Hello? Still looking for Sabrina.

Whoa. Careful.

Man, you are wild.

Yeah, well, this place really lets me let loose.

You know, i'’m glad you enjoyed the trip,

but it'’s time for you to go back.

What do you mean?

I Don'’t want it to be over.

Can'’t I stay just a little longer?

You can stay as long as you want.

Whoo-hoo!

But this time i'’m going to have to charge you.

Oh.

Uh, fine, I understand.

I mean, after all, this is your business.

Hey, anybody know how to do the tush push?

I do!

Come on, everybody.

All right.

Shift your weight forward, bump your right hip twice.

Shift your weight back, bump your left hip twice.

Bump right forward,

bump left back, bump right forward,

bump left back, bump left forward,

bump right... Oh, oh, careful!

It'’s a long way down.

Plus, you have the security

of living in a gated community.

Gated community?

That'’s what you'’re calling a drunken guard

stooped over a chain link fence?

On the plus side, he never leaves his post.

[Squeaking] Ooh!

You like animals, Don'’t you?

That was a rat.

You know, I thought i'’d get way more for my money

in the other realm.

Well, vermin aside,

you'’re looking at a house that is rock solid.

[ Sighs]

Did I mention that we'’re cloud ten-adjacent?

Occasionally you get some riffraff falling from the sky.

Oh, my god.

That riffraff is my niece.

Sabrina?

Okay, you'’ve got my pager number.

Let me know if you want to make an offer.

Honey, are you okay?

Yeah.

Yeah, luckily this crappy house broke my fall.

What were you doing on cloud ten?

Uh... would you believe the tush push?

Sabrina, this is so unlike you.

What'’s going on?

Well, I just got really depressed

because everything in my life was going wrong

and nobody seemed to care.

You know, everyone was caught up in their own stuff.

I just felt invisible.

Like you were the odd man out?

Exactly. You have no idea how awful it feels.

Actually, honey, I do.

You are looking at the original odd man out.

Well, odd woman out.

But I dated the odd man out.

Aunt hilda, your point?

The point is, I never fit in anywhere.

Your aunt Zelda was the brainiac

with the gracefulness of a gazelle.

I was the one with the funny voice and two left feet.

Good for walking circles, not so good for buying shoes.

It must have been terrible.

It was.

I did whatever I could to make myself feel better.

I even went to cloud seven.

That was the hip cloud back then.

Mozart groupies, mutton on a stick.

Rock me, amadeus.

So, how did you tear yourself away

from all that great music and meat and deal with reality?

I realized that I was looking for validation.

And that it doesn'’t come from the outside.

You'’ve got to reach inside yourself.

You mean i'’ve got to think about my problems,

analyze them, and come up with answers?

No, I mean actually reach inside yourself.

Here, i'’ll do it for you.

Talk to her.

She'’s the only one who can set you straight.

Me, i'’ve got to go check out a condo in purgatory.

It'’s got a view of heaven,

and they say the neighborhood is really coming up.

Bye, honey.

So... here we are.

What do you think about all this?

I think what you think.

I'’m you, the person we'’re here to talk about.

What'’s up?

Well, I want you to validate me for who I am.

Why should I do that?

Well, um... i'’m nice.

Doesn'’t sound like you'’re sure.

Are you or aren'’t you?

I am!

In what ways?

Well, i'’m trustworthy, loyal...

So far you'’re a dog. Keep talking.

Well, i'’m considerate, smart, generous, funny,

loving, creative.

Don'’t you think?

It doesn'’t matter what I think.

If you want this stamp,

then you better not have any doubts.

This is self- validation, remember?

Look, here'’s the bottom line.

I, Sabrina spellman, am a good person, okay?

I may not be a published columnist or a hit on the radio,

but I am a worthy human being

and I Don'’t need anybody else to tell me that.

Now give me

that stamp!

Ow!

What was I thinking?

Why did I even go to cloud ten?

It'’s not like it changed anything.

And i'’ve got a great life right here.

Well... maybe not right here.

[ Grunts]

[ Groans]

You think they'’d put guardrails on that cloud.

So, you ready to go back up?

No.

I am through with cloud ten.

Sabrina, where have you been?

Oh, you know, just doing my thing...

Floating around.

I'’m glad you'’re back.

I missed you.

You did?

Well, I-I didn'’t think you cared

now that you and Morgan are such good friends.

Hold the phone.

Who'’s spreading the rumor

that Morgan and I are friends?

Nobody... it'’s just that

you guys were laughing and bonding and buffing.

Sabrina, i'’d wax a baboon

if it would make my radio show more interesting.

I really thought she was replacing me

as your best friend.

Please, did you fall on your head or something?

Well, now that you mention it...

Sabrina, I get a best friend,

like, once every 15 years.

I didn'’t dump my Malibu Barbie

and I have no intention of dumping you.

Thanks.

You still have your Malibu Barbie?

It'’s our secret.

We Don'’t have time to talk about that.

You'’ve got 49 messages on the machine.

Sabrina, it'’s Josh.

Great news: Mike wants to run your article!

Oh, my god, he'’s got to be kidding!

I'’m not kidding. Call me.

The other 47 are pretty much the same thing.

Congratulations.

Thanks!

I'’m heading over to Josh'’s.

Oh, wait, before you go...

You might want to wash the stamp off your forehead.

Here it is, our new property.

This is a toxic waste dump.

Now.

But in 400 years, we'’ll put up a casino.

We'’ll be rolling in it.

Hilda, our shoes are melting. Run!

Did I mention we got a really good deal?