Original subtitles

Wish me luck.

I'’m going into Mike'’s office with an idea

and i'’m coming out with my own column.

I really admire your determination, Sabrina.

I mean, who else could go in there

with such a positive attitude

knowing that Mike has shot down

every intern who'’s ever tried to write for the paper.

I didn'’t know that.

Oh, I just made that up.

Funny joke, huh?

Yeah... undermining my confidence

at the pivotal point in my career.

A laugh riot.

Wait, let me rephrase that.

Good luck, you'’re going to knock him dead.

Much better.

Mm-hmm.

Well...

Have a seat.

Yeah.

No, no.

I'’m just finishing up with Anna quindlen.

Oh, my god, Anna quindlen.

Look, quindlen, I Don'’t care how many pulitzers you'’ve won.

Your piece on antidepressants was, frankly, a downer.

It wouldn'’t hurt to reacquaint yourself with punctuation.

So, spellman, what do you want?

Oh, nothing.

I just, you know, was thinking about...

Ordering a new swivel chair for my house

and this one seems very swivelly.

Got to go.

Wait a minute... you got a folder in your hand

that says "ideas for Mike."

Oh, well, I kind of had an idea for a column.

Well, why Don'’t you kind of spit it out?

Okay, well, the Boston area

has more than 30 college campuses.

I mean, they'’re all over the place

like Starbucks and Regis philbin.

I just thought there might be a huge audience

for a column about college students

and the issues they face.

Go on.

Well, um, for example

college life is very stressful.

You want stressful?

Take a look at my last angiogram.

What'’s your angle?

Most students are up to their necks in loans.

But how can they have time to study

when they have to take menial jobs just to stay afloat?

So, sacrificing their future just to survive in the present.

That'’s, that'’s very good.

You think so?

Yeah.

So did the New York times magazine section.

They ran a piece on it six months ago.

Oh, well, how about this topic... sex.

Hot topic, hot-hot-hot.

What about sex?

Well, most students wrestle with the pressure.

I mean, morally, they may want to abstain

yet the media bombards them

with a constant stream of sexual imagery.

Now that'’s very timely

which is why it was on the cover of time.

Oh, well, what about any of these topics?

I'’ll tell you what, I like them all.

Unfortunately, i'’ve also read them all.

This proves that

you have good instincts, Sabrina.

Now, I want you to keep at it, okay?

I'’m sure you'’re going to come up with something.

You'’re right. Thanks.

Oh, i'’ve got it!

College students... Give them a second chance

and they'’ll come up with something.

Keep thinking.

College students... They keep thinking.

♪ Life'’s changing around me, and i'’m gonna make it mine ♪

♪ i'’m reaching out and living by my rules... ♪

♪ Time'’s moving way too fast ♪

♪ I wanna make it last...

♪ '’cause i'’m out on my own now ♪

♪ and I like the way it feels.

Knit one, purl two.

Knit one, purl two.

♪ Knit one, purl two, pick a bale of cotton ♪

♪ knit one, purl two, pick a bale a day... ♪

Hilda, what do you think you'’re doing?

Knitting, and singing folk songs.

Quite well, I might add.

Oh, my new hobby is so relaxing.

Salem: Maybe for you

but i'’m trying to concentrate on

expanding my intellectual horizons.

"There once was a witch from Helsinki..."

Who did what with her pinky?

Salem, who'’s sending you this garbage?

Nastygirl, at theslammer.Org.

Me-ow.

Oh, I wish this airhead nastygirl

would stop sending me these stupid limericks.

At least you get limericks.

I get letters condemning me to hell

if I Don'’t reply immediately.

Never give your email address to your mother.

I am so close to getting my own column for the newspaper

I Don'’t have time to deal with this.

"Dear airhead...

"stop harassing me with your annoying emails.

They'’re nothing but mindless garbage."

Could you forward that to my mother?

Miles, I need a hook.

Say I was writing an insightful

sophisticated article on sex.

What would a good angle be?

Why i'’m not having any?

Say the story was about stress.

Why i'’m the poster boy for stress.

Suppose the story wasn'’t about you.

Then you'’re on your own.

Airhead?

Mindless garbage?

I may be an evil twin, but I still have feelings.

Let'’s see, I could turn the other cheek

forgive and forget, or...

Ruin Sabrina'’s life

by emailing her a nasty computer virus.

Ha, we'’ll see who'’s the airhead now.

Computer: Email.

"Apologies from nastygirl."

Good, I guess whoever it is got the message.

[ Sneezes]

Whoa, what was that?

[ Sneezes]

Oh, my god, that was like, so weird.

They say ignorance is bliss.

Sabrina, you'’re about to be very, very happy.

[ Laughing evilly]

Spellman, you'’re not going to believe what I just heard.

Adams is thinking about cutting scholarships by 25%.

Whatever.

Hey, what do you think if I highlighted my eyebrows?

Maybe you didn'’t hear me.

This is something that could affect my entire future.

Oh, and the color of my eyebrows doesn'’t affect mine?

I mean, if I go even one shade too dark

it could, like, totally trash

all the work i'’ve done with my hair!

What'’s going on with you?

Did all your brains fall out of your head?

Oh, no, I Don'’t see any brains.

Oh! Although I did find a nickel.

Whoo-hoo!

Here, you can put that toward your college fund.

Thanks.

Now all I need is 20,000 more.

Oh, well, i'’ll keep looking.

♪ Swing low, sweet chariot

♪ coming for to carry me home... ♪

Hilda, shouldn'’t you be carrying yourself to work?

I'’ll leave right after I finish this row.

So far, i'’ve made two scarves, a throw rug

and well, whatever this thing is.

Why, grandma, what big eyes you have.

The better to see how ridiculous you look.

Hilda'’s new obsession is doing wonders for my wardrobe.

How'’s my tube top coming?

I'’m on it.

Sabrina.

Oh, hi, Mikey.

Mikey?

Yeah, it'’s a fun nickname for Mike.

Yeah, I got that.

You get a chance to sharpen up those ideas you were working on?

Actually, i'’ve been working on sharpening my nails.

Mm-hmm, well, come join us at the conference table.

I think you'’ll find

my staff is a little better at the whole

"give the new kid a break" thing.

Oh, well, I Don'’t need a break yet

but maybe after the meeting.

Hi, joshie.

Joshie?

Yeah, it'’s a fun nickname for Josh.

You'’re catching on.

Folks, you all know Sabrina, our intern.

She'’s got some ideas she wants to run by us.

Be nice or you may find something weird

turning up in your coffee.

So, Sabrina, college students and their experiences.

What are some of these ideas you want to write about?

Okey-dokey, well, um, my first idea is...

Guys.

What about guys?

Well, um, where are all the cute guys on campus?

I mean, it seems like

there are tons of girls who want a cute boyfriend

but there aren'’t enough to go around.

So, you want to write a story

about getting a cute boyfriend?

Well, not for me. I already have one.

Yeah, joshie.

And your second column will be what?

Ten ways to get thinner thighs?

Oh, I like it.

Although, we should do that one first

because you'’ll never get a cute boyfriend with fat thighs.

I think Sabrina'’s just having fun with us.

Come on, tell them about

the story you want to write on campus security.

Oh, campus security is a big problem.

How so?

Well, I know this girl Pam

who'’s, like, so insecure

and it'’s crazy because she has, like, totally great hair.

It'’s the color of my eyebrows.

I'’m sorry.

What'’s the story about?

Well, if Pam was more secure

she could probably get herself a cute guy.

Should I start writing now?

Not just yet, no.

Okey-dokey.

Proud of me?

Are you kidding?

You just made a fool of yourself

and you made a fool of me.

Sabrina, I went out on a limb to get you this job.

'’cause i'’m your girlfriend.

What is wrong with you?

[ Wind blowing]

And am I crazy, or is there wind coming through your ears?

Oh, better than from someplace else.

[ Giggling inanely]

I made a funny!

Will you knock it off?

This was your big shot and you blew it.

They'’re never going to want you as a writer.

You'’ll be lucky if they keep you as an intern.

Joshie, why are you being such a grump?

I mean, maybe they liked the stuff I said.

They hated it, all right? I hated it.

Well, I happen to think I said some really cool stuff

and if you Don'’t think it'’s cool

then maybe I Don'’t think you'’re cool

and if you'’re not cool then maybe I Don'’t want to be with you.

Are you breaking up with me?

Okay, sure, we'’re broken up, whatever.

Hey, how do you think i'’d look with bangs?

I Don'’t care how you'’d look with bangs.

That is so insensitive.

No wonder we broke up.

Buh-bye.

Hey, guys.

Oh, Sabrina, Josh just dropped by.

He'’s really worried about you.

He said something about you going...

What was that?

Oh, yeah, insane.

Ooh, neiman'’s.

Josh said you broke up with him.

Is he still going on about that?

That was hours ago.

I love your boots.

And I love your blouse.

Thanks.

It was either tiger print or zebra.

Harvey likes me better in the tiger.

[ Roars]

Harvey, I never knew you like tiger.

You know who I like?

Tiger Woods. He'’s so cute.

I wonder if he heard that Josh and I broke up.

I should call him.

Sabrina, are you all right?

You Don'’t seem like yourself.

I know. Isn'’t it great?

You know, Morgan, now that I think about it

everyone is wearing tiger this year.

It'’s the hot seller at Wal-Mart.

Wal-Mart?

Excuse me.

I'’ve got a large animal print to return.

I love Wal-Mart and K-Mart.

All the marts.

Hey, let'’s go shopping.

We'’re not going anywhere.

I just made up that stuff

so Morgan would leave.

Oh, I get it.

No, I Don'’t.

Sabrina, i'’m no expert on magic

but it looks to me like you'’re under a spell.

Spell?

You'’re a witch, remember?

Oh, my gosh! You'’re right!

Hey, I never have to go shopping again.

Do you want a car or something?

Sabrina, I think we need to go for a little drive.

Okay, then, car it is.

I feel like a Porsche.

I Don'’t drive a stick.

You do now.

Oh, good lord.

Hilda! Hilda, we need to talk!

I'’m right here.

This has gone far enough.

I demand that you stop on behalf of sheep everywhere.

What are you getting so worked up about?

Your new hobby has become a pathology.

You are addicted to knitting.

Zelly, I knit because it relaxes me.

I can stop any time I want to.

Look at you. You are knitting alone.

You'’re hiding balls of yarn under yarn cozies.

You'’ve knitted yourself into a woolen pod.

You are a knit-aholic.

A knit-phomaniac. A knitwit.

Knitwit? That'’s cute.

I'’m going to knit that on a pillow.

Hi.

Sabrina, Harvey, what brings you here?

Harvey'’s new car. It'’s awesome.

I think Sabrina'’s under some kind of spell.

She'’s acting really weird.

Define "weird."

There'’s only one way to find out.

Sabrina, dear, put your finger on your nose

balance on one foot and say "ah."

Ah!

Interesting.

Aunt Zelda, this game is fun.

Okay, um, touch your elbow, put your leg behind your neck

and say "whee"!

Harvey, I think she may have

some sort of airhead virus.

Hilda, what do you think?

Hilda, what do you think!

I'’m sorry. I was knitting.

Oh! Is it hot in here or is it just me?

I'’ve never seen Sabrina like this before.

What are we going to do?

First thing we'’re going to do is an intervention.

Harvey, I may need a hand.

Hilda, that'’s it.

I'’m taking away your needles!

Hey!

Your niece is in trouble and needs your help.

Harvey, on the count of three, pull.

One, two

three!

Whoa! Guess I can skip spinning class.

Just as I feared.

What is it?

Sabrina'’s head is completely empty.

That airhead virus must have drained her of all her substance.

This crossbreeze is so refreshing.

Sabrina, have you opened any unusual emails lately?

No, not really.

Oh, well, there was this one about a witch from Helsinki

who did the strangest thing with her pinkie.

I didn'’t really understand it.

I didn'’t get it at first, either, but here'’s how I see it.

Hilda, that email was from theslammer. Org

the other realm prison.

Why would someone in the other realm prison

want to hurt Sabrina?

Who would be so evil?

There once was a witch from east Venus...

Katrina, you evil thing.

Thank you.

How could you turn my niece

into an idiot?

I just hit enter. It was a snap.

Well, you'’re not going to get away with this.

Oh, yeah? And who'’s going to stop me?

The smartest... And according to many...

Most beautiful witch in any realm.

Somebody asking for me?

Jezebelda

I thought you would have worked you way up to solitary by now.

Stick around a while longer.

You'’ll be the reason I get there.

I'’d love to trade threats, but i'’m here on urgent business.

Katrina, I need the antidote for that airhead virus.

So that'’s the problem.

You do seem a little more dumber than last time.

I am not more dumber. Sabrina'’s more dumber.

And there'’s no such thing as more dumber.

Well, guess what, brainiac.

There is no antidote.

Looks like you came for nothing

unless you want to stay for lunch.

It'’s taco Thursday.

There'’s only one way

to give Sabrina back her substance.

Don'’t tell her.

I won'’t...

Unless she should happen to zap me

some of my very favorite Mary Kay products.

I'’d just kill for some lip liner.

You already did.

I hate bribes, but this is an emergency.

Oh, my favorite!

Tallahassee tope.

You wouldn'’t betray me

evil twins stick together.

No, they Don'’t.

They sell each other out in a heartbeat.

If Sabrina wants to get back her substance

she has to relearn all of life'’s lessons

and she has to do it by daybreak tomorrow

or she'’ll be a pea brain the rest of her born days.

You cheap tramp!

Not any more.

I got me my Mary Kay spring sampler.

And I got me my antidote.

I'’ve got to get me out of here

while my I.Q. Still has three digits.

Well, actually, four.

[ Squeaking]

I knew this scarf would come in handy someday.

Okay, i'’ve got the antidote

but we have a lot of work to do.

First, get that scarf out of Sabrina'’s head.

Second, we have to play a little game.

Oh, like the other game

where I stand on one foot and touch my nose?

No. This game is called

"we put everything you used to know back into your head

"and you commit it to memory and then apply it

to every waking moment of your daily life."

Poo.

Can'’t we play kerplunk?

Oh, I love kerplunk.

Kerplunk.

That is not how you play.

Sabrina, in order to be a person of substance

one must exercise rational thought

but never at the expense of human emotion.

Do I get to, like, buy railroads or something?

Maybe we should start with something simple.

Do unto others

as you would have them do unto you.

A penny saved is a penny earned.

Don'’t eat yellow snow.

What?

To insure that our democracy functions properly

we need a system of checks and...

Credit cards.

Checks and balances.

Is that how they

came up with "balancing your checkbook"?

No.

She'’s not even under a spell.

Now, where were we?

Talking about the government

and our system of checks and balances.

Wow, something actually made it through.

Excellent! It'’s time to seize the moment.

But first we eat.

Dibs on the egg salad.

Morgan, I Don'’t get it.

It'’s like Sabrina is a completely different person.

Don'’t look a gift horse in the mouth.

Hey, I like the Sabrina I know.

Well, maybe the Sabrina you knew

wasn'’t the real Sabrina.

Maybe she needed time to get comfortable

with you before showing her true self.

Yeah, but how does a person suddenly go

from being intelligent and thoughtful

to being a total airhead?

She'’s not an airhead.

She'’s just embracing the material things in life

which strikes me as very healthy.

So you'’re saying the real Sabrina'’s just like you?

Just like me.

Anything else I can get for you?

A bucket?

The mesozoic era was?

The third era of geological time

including the triassic, Jurassic

and cretaceous periods.

Excellent.

The early bird...?

Catches the worm?

Chilly today...?

Hot tamale.

Sabrina, I think you'’ve got your substance back.

Now you just have to be able to use it

to get your life in order.

How are you feeling, honey?

Everything'’s starting to make sense again.

Except for one thing.

Why is Salem wearing a tube top?

It provides support where I need it most.

Hey, thanks for figuring out

there was something wrong

and knowing where to take me.

I owe you one.

How about zapping me back my old car?

I Don'’t want Morgan to like me

for my turbo carrera.

No problem.

There, your '’86 Toyota corolla.

Think you could pop out the dent?

You got it.

Hey, Josh, i'’m glad you'’re here.

I'’m sure you'’ve been wondering what'’s going on with me.

Me, me, me. You know, Morgan'’s right.

You are turning into her.

Josh!

Hey, lover boy.

We'’re getting started. Front and center.

How about a piece on vermin in restaurants?

I Don'’t know.

You see, one man'’s vermin is another man'’s stir-fry.

What else we got?

Excuse me. I Don'’t mean to interrupt

but I have an idea for a story.

I Don'’t know how you could top "guys '’n thighs."

Look, I want to apologize for my behavior yesterday.

I had a really weird virus that for some reason

made me act like a total airhead.

And who would want to publish stories written by an airhead?

We wouldn'’t.

And you shouldn'’t.

I just want you to know

that the person you saw yesterday

wasn'’t the real me.

I take my job very seriously

and I appreciate the opportunity

to be around professionals like you

even if it'’s just to get your coffee.

Very well spoken. I'’ll tell you what.

If you can write half as well as you can apologize

there may be hope for you yet.

Now what'’s this idea you have?

Well, it'’s not exactly a college article

but it'’s something that'’s been on my mind.

The three branches of government:

Is our system of checks and balances really working?

I love that.

And if U.S. newshadn'’t just done it

i'’m sure yours would have been much better.

I got to get myself to a magazine rack.

Hey.hey.

That was quite a little speech you made

to the staff.

Oh, well, I was hoping one specific staff member

would find it in his heart to forgive me.

Yeah, Mike said you'’re back on his "a" list.

You know what I mean.

You do seem to be over your Princess phase.

Josh, i'’m sorry I was so stupid.

I never meant to break up with you.

Yeah, well, I guess everybody does stupid things

now and then.

Did I ever tell you about the time

I ordered Sushi at a truck stop?

I was with you. I drove you

to the emergency room.

Yeah, "real crab" my eye.

Josh, can we forget about the fish?

I think you were about to forgive me.

I do forgive you.

But, please, promise me

if you ever get one of these weird viruses again

you'’ll call in sick?

I promise.

Oh, one other thing.

Never ever call me "joshie."

That could be a deal breaker.

Or not.

Well, needlepoint has really helped me

kick my knitting habit. I Don'’t miss it at all.

I, on the other hand, am still owed a codpiece.

And i'’m back to getting flooded with annoying emails.

But from now on, i'’m not going to respond.

It'’s a good idea.

You never know when there might be

an evil twin on the other end.

That'’s one thing mortals Don'’t have to deal with.

On the other hand

they can'’t make pudding on command.

And they can'’t use magic

to teach their evil twins a lesson.

I just sent Katrina

a "kill them with kindness" spell.

Jezebelda, you'’re the smart one.

You'’re the beautiful one.

Ah, you are too kind.

I know. I'’ll get you for this, Sabrina.