Original subtitles

Hey, what'’s going on here?

Two minutes ago

there were half a dozen gingerbread men on this tray

now there'’s only one.

[ Belches]

Got milk?

Got magic.

Hi, Sabrina.

Hi. Hey, gingerbread cookies, my favorite.

There you go.

Hey, happy birthday, baby.

Wow, a sleazy talking cookie.

You guys are too good to me.

Once again, not enough sugar and too much attitude.

Cookie: Ouch!

Listen, I know it'’s usually just us at my birthday dinner

but would it be okay if I invited Josh this year?

Hey, it would be my pleasure to open my home

to the ungrateful employee who quit on me with no notice.

What she means is it would be our pleasure

to have Josh for dinner.

Good, '’cause I already told him he could come.

See you tomorrow.

[ Muffled yelling]

He'’s even more annoying muzzled.

[ Shrill ringing]

Speaking of annoying.

[ Shrill ringing continues]

Icicles. That can only be great-aunt Irma.

Who'’s aunt Irma?

Matriarch of the spellman clan

and dreaded holy terror of the other realm.

Answer it, hilda.

Me? You'’re the oldest... And the prettiest.

Too late.

Aunt Irma, what a...

Silence![ Thunder crashes]

Okay, you talk.

I'’ve just learned that Sabrina

has revealed she'’s a witch to a mortal named Harvey kinkle.

Where have you been, toots?

That'’s old news.

Hilda, Zelda

this was an appalling error in judgment

for which I hold you both responsible.

But I assure you, Harvey'’s completely trustworthy.

Silence!

I will determine if the boy is trustworthy.

Have Sabrina bring him here tomorrow for the inquisition.

Inquisition? But tomorrow is Sabrina'’s birthday.

Perfect. 12 hours of interrogation

followed by a sheet cake.

[ Cackling]

Oh, my god.

With aunt Irma interrogating Harvey

we can'’t have Josh here for Sabrina'’s birthday.

Who'’s going to break the bad news to her?

Not it! Not it!

♪ Life'’s changing around me, and i'’m gonna make it mine ♪

♪ i'’m reaching out and living by my rules... ♪

♪ Time'’s moving way too fast ♪

♪ I wanna make it last...

♪ '’cause i'’m out on my own now ♪

♪ and I like the way it feels.

I can'’t wait to spend your birthday with you.

I'’m giving you your first present early.

Ooh, and you saved on gift wrap.

I should get going.

The people at work think I just stepped away

to go to the bathroom.

I'’ll see you tomorrow.

Looking forward to it.

He can'’t come.

Instead, you have to bring Harvey

to your birthday dinner

and instead of eating dinner

Harvey will be put on trial.

No biggie.

Big biggie!

Followed by a humongous "huh?"

Your great aunt Irma...

And by "great" I mean horrendously evil...

Found out that you told Harvey that you'’re a witch.

Technically, I didn'’t tell Harvey I was a witch.

He found out on his own.

Aunt Irma'’s not one for subtleties.

She'’s coming tomorrow

and we'’re all in deep donkey dung

if she doesn'’t think Harvey can keep the secret.

Come on, aunt hilda. We'’re family.

What'’s the worst she would do to us?

Ask her daughter Phyllis.

She told a mortal she'’s a witch and...

She'’s been wearing that tutu for 300 years.

On second thought

why would I want to spend my birthday

with the guy I care most about in the world?

Okay, guys, here'’s the menu for tomorrow:

Spaghetti, corn and bread.

You have a special guest coming from out of town

and you'’re making three starches?

It'’s called comfort food.

It'’s called the only food she knows how to cook.

Hey, it'’s a free dinner.

It is free, isn'’t it?

[ Phone rings]

Hello. Hey, Isaac.

Okay, here'’s the plan:

We'’re going to eat dinner

and then we'’re going to go down to the soup kitchen

to volunteer and then...

What can you bring for dinner?

I guess we could use some potatoes.

All right, see you at 7:00.

So, tell us about your friend Isaac.

Actually, he'’s my ex-boyfiend.

And I Don'’t want to make a big deal out of this

but he'’s Isaac hanson.

You know, of hanson?

You mean, the all-natural soda people?

No, the rock group.

But when I dated him

he was a guy with a secondhand guitar and hyundai.

Oh, then he became famous

realized he could do better and dumped you. Whew!

Once again, my world makes sense.

Wow, what are the odds of a rock star

spending an evening with a guy like me?

Maybe he could teach me how to be cool.

He'’s Isaac hanson, not the Messiah.

And fyi, he likes to be treated like a regular guy.

So no special attention.

So I shouldn'’t offer to butter his corn?

[ Phone rings]

Kinkle.

It'’s Sabrina. We have a problem. Are you alone?

I can be.

It'’s my gastroenterologist.

You Don'’t want to hear this.

What'’s up, Sabrina?

My aunt Irma found out that you know i'’m a witch.

She wants to meet you tomorrow and ask you a few questions.

But tomorrow'’s roxie'’s dinner.

I have plans to eat spaghetti with Isaac hanson.

Harvey, listen closely.

When people disappoint aunt Irma

she turns them into things.

What kind of things?

Well, you know big Ben?

He wasn'’t always a clock.

See you tomorrow.

What do you mean we can'’t see each other on your birthday?

The truth is my birthday dinner is usually just family.

It'’s kind of a tradition.

Then things got really complicated

when my aunt Irma announced she was coming.

She'’s bitter, cranky and just a little [ Whistles].

I'’m really sorry, Josh.

It'’s okay, we'’ve got a few nuts hanging

from our family tree.

Besides, in a good relationship

you can'’t let one evening come between you.

You'’re standing me up for tomorrow night?!

We'’re through!

My hands are tied.

The whole kinkle clan decided to have

a last-minute family reunion at the farm.

Farm? And what exactly do the kinkles grow

on the kinkle farm?

Um, minks?

Minks? You really expect me to...?

Oh, Harvey!

I want it full length with a really high collar!

[ Sighs]

That completes aunt Irma'’s demented demands.

The house is totally sterile... like her.

Uh-oh.

That'’s either aunt Irma

or a big wind chasing Helen hunt.

Okay, remember

stick together and be strong.

Don'’t give her an inch.

She'’ll be lucky if she gets a hello out of me.

Huzzah, milady!

I am your humble servant.

Silence, you talking throw rug.

¿Que?

Oh, you have a sandpaper tongue.

I have corns on my feet. Do the math.

A couple things you need to know about my aunt Irma.

Don'’t look her in the eye

never start a sentence with "Anyhoo"

and she can smell fear, so stay downwind.

Would you care for some hot cocoa, aunt Irma?

You drink it.

You'’re nothing but skin and bones.

Thank you.

And hilda, I notice your ring finger is still bare.

So it is.

There'’s another finger i'’d like her to see.

Hello, everybody. We'’re here.

Nice to meet you, aunt Irma.

I'’ll be the judge of that.

Don'’t let us down, Harvey.

Our entire lives depend on you.

No pressure there.

You'’ll do fine.

Hello, aunt Irma.

How nice of you to come for my birthday.

Silence!

So this is the infamously trustworthy mortal.

We'’re going to find out

if you can take a secret to the grave, Harvey kinkle.

[ Cackles]

[ Thunder booms]

Should I bow?

It wouldn'’t hurt.

Wow, hanson'’s web page gets a million hits a day.

The only hits I get on my web page are me

checking to see if I got any hits on my web page.

Why Don'’t you log into their chat room

and find out why Isaac'’s a half-an- hour late for dinner.

[ Doorbell rings]

He'’s here! He'’s here! I'’ll get it!

I am such a huge fan of...

Not you.

And a lovely evening to you, too.

Can you tell Sabrina i'’m here?

She already went to her aunt'’s house.

Oh, bummer. I thought I could catch her before she left.

I really wanted her to get her present on her birthday.

I hear leather and 20% off.

It was 15.

I'’ll just drop it by her aunt'’s house.

Is your name Harvey kinkle?

Yes.

Well done. Let'’s eat.

Silence!

I'’m not through.

Can you be trusted to keep the spellman secret?

Absolutely.

You'’re lying.

Aunt Irma, I Don'’t mean

to question your interrogation skills

but your lie detector isn'’t plugged in.

You'’re lying.

Okay, you'’re not lying, but you'’re insolent.

I never trusted these machines, anyway.

Let'’s move on

to a more accurate method of truth detection...

Hot coals.

Somebody fetch me a frosty drink.

Hot coals?

Don'’t worry, i'’m sure she'’ll cool down

when she'’s had a cold beverage.

Okay, we'’re going to be fine.

What planet are you on?

We'’re out of frosty drinks!

You can'’t let aunt Irma rattle you.

Sabrina, the woman wants to grill me... literally.

It'’s healthier than being deep fried.

Hug!

Family tradition, huh?

That must be aunt Harvey.

What'’s with you guys? You haven'’t touched any of your food.

I'’m waiting out of respect for Mr. Hanson.

And I just hate your cooking.

[ Phone rings]Hello?

I understand.

Thanks for calling.

Isaac'’s assistant.

Doesn'’t look like he'’s going to make it after all.

I can'’t believe he'’d stand you up

after all the trouble you went to.

These rock stars are so insensitive!

How could Isaac do this?

I'’m okay with it.

I mean to me! My evening is ruined!

Well, mine'’s not going to be.

I'’m going to the soup kitchen.

I'’ll go with you.

Morgan, you want to help the needy?

Yes, I do.

And i'’m going to start with a bubble bath.

You know, I almost hate to say it

but he smells delicious.

Sabrina: Harvey, how you doing?

I'’m all right. It'’s not as hot as it looks.

Yet.

All right, kinkle, let'’s get this over with.

You'’re in a dark alley

a hoodlum throws you against the wall.

He asks, "are the spellmans witches?"

What do you say?

He says, "no!"

Only the mortal speaks.

I say no.

Copycat. The boy has no mind of his own.

Although he cooks quite evenly.

They say slow cooking seals in the juices.

What am I saying?

Aunt erma, it'’s just not fair to question Harvey

while he'’s roasting at 475.

Oh, keep talking, darling. I'’ll make it 500.

May god forgive me, but i'’m going to set the table.

Hilda!

I'’m sorry. I Don'’t know what i'’m saying.

Aunt erma always turns me into a basket case.

Oh, thanks for reminding me.

Help! I'’m dried fruit!

Ooh, Sabrina'’s cousin sent her a cashmere sweater.

No, wait.

Merino wool.

[ Doorbell rings]

Please be Isaac hanson.

Didn'’t we just do this?

Oh, you'’re going to love this.

I just stopped by the spellmans

where I saw Sabrina

with her arms around Harvey.

No! Harvey'’s supposed to be hand-selecting my mink!

Yeah, well, Harvey'’s pulling the mink over your eyes.

Obviously, those two are secretly dating.

Then we should secretly date to get back at them.

Oh, yeah, that'’s the answer.

Where'’s miles and roxie?

They went to that soup kitchen she'’s always yapping about.

Hey, you know what? That'’s not such a bad idea.

You and I have better things to do

than sit around here feeling sorry for ourselves.

You'’re right.

Have a nice time at the soup kitchen.

I am going to drown my sorrows a different way.

Oh, this one'’s a return waiting to happen.

Twice you'’ve been interrogated and twice you'’ve failed

yet, if you can answer this one simple question honestly

this crucible will be over.

Kinkle, in your opinion, am I an attractive woman?

If he says yes, she'’ll never believe him.

If he says no, she'’ll turn him into a dust ruffle.

You have no idea how much i'’d like to be a fig right now.

Wonder if should have my tail enlarged?

Well, kinkle...

Am I an attractive woman?

Well, on the outside, you'’re nice-looking.

Good, Harvey!

But...

No buts! No buts!

On the inside...

Honestly, you'’re hideous.

Bad, Harvey! Very, very bad!

Oh, no, here it comes.

Hilda, it'’s been nice knowing you in your present form.

Likewise.

Maybe we'’ll get lucky and end up a washer-dryer combo.

I'’ll be the bleach.

You'’re right, kinkle.

I am hideous on the inside.

So hideous that i'’ve baked you, stretched you

and put you on a rotisserie.

So evil...

That if I were to let you go out into the world

you would tell everyone that the spellmans are witches.

No, I wouldn'’t!

I'’d never do anything that would hurt Sabrina.

Good answer.

Really good answer.

I'’m convinced our secret is safe with you.

You may return to your mortal life.

You'’re free![ Squeals]

Not by a long shot.

I promised Morgan a mink.

Oh, maybe I can help out.

It'’s a mink substitute

but she'’ll never know the difference.

You do beautiful work.

I love the lining.

Well, i'’ve got to call Josh

and salvage whatever'’s left of my birthday.

Not that this wasn'’t absolutely lovely.

See? Now this is what life'’s really about... helping others.

It'’s not about material belongings or anything...

[ Phone rings]

Yello?

Hey, Josh.

You'’re dead to me, Sabrina.

Bun?

I'’ll pass.

[ Phone rings]

Dead to you?! What'’s going on?

I stopped by your aunt'’s house with your birthday present.

I saw you and Harvey hugging.

Oh, no. I can explain everything.

Don'’t bother. I'’m busy helping those in need.

Hey, buddy, what, my buns aren'’t good enough for you?

[ Doorbell rings]

That boy doesn'’t know if he'’s coming or going.

Come in, Josh!

Hello?

[ Screaming and laughing]

That never gets old. Hey.

I'’m Morgan.

I'’m Isaac. I hope you Don'’t mind.

I brought a meat dish.

Honey, you are the meat dish.

I said that out loud, didn'’t I?

Where'’s roxie?

A-A-At some soup place.

She didn'’t feel like waiting around for you, but I did.

I Don'’t want roxie to be mad.

Let'’s jump in the limo and head down there.

If you think that I am the kind of girl

that would jump into a limo with a stranger

you are so right!

So, if you think about it, we'’re all just bacteria

under the fingernail of the colossal ambivalent man-god

whom I privately refer to as Jasper the magnificent.

Dude, you just made me realize something...

If a guy like you is functioning in society

then I gave up way too soon.

Josh...

I'’m listening.

There'’s nothing going on between me and Harvey.

You were hugging him.

It'’s my birthday!

A lot of people are giving me birthday hugs.

Okay, okay, hug'’s over.

Sabrina, why would you lie to me

about a family birthday and then spend it with Harvey?

It was out of my control.

So what are you saying, he just showed up

and you were obligated to hang all over him?

Josh, you'’ve got to believe me...

This whole evening has been torture, literally.

The only person I want to hang all over is you.

How can I believe you?

That makes it a little easier.

My birthday'’s not over yet.

Let'’s go back to my aunt'’s house

and we'’ll celebrate together

like we should'’ve done in the first place.

That would be great.

And I could open the gift you got me.

Ooh, I think you'’re really going to like it.

And Don'’t believe what Morgan tells you.

It was only 15% off.

Aunt hilda! Aunt Zelda!

Uh, Sabrina, you'’ve got three little pigs in your house.

And I bet I know who the big bad wolf is.

Zelda: Sabrina, thank goodness you'’re here.

What happened?

When I left, everything was kosher.

Now you'’re pork!

Just as aunt Irma was about to leave

somebody called her "prune face."

Hilda: What? I adore dried fruit.

And, having beendried fruit, I feel qualified to say that.

Salem: Hey, who'’s up for makin'’ bacon?

Come on, people! Nobody'’s eating the spaghetti!

I made it myself!

[ Thuds]

I think it needs salt.

Oh, you poor kids.

Come in and have some soup.

Oh, thanks

but we have these great little quiches in the limo.

Everybody, this is Isaac hanson from hanson.

Yeah, and i'’m Steve snapple from snapple.

Yo, rox!

Isaac! Hey.

I'’m so glad you finally made it.

I'’ve got the next 24 hours planned out for us.

Roxie, you'’re going to hate me when I tell you this

but I can'’t stay... The plans have changed.

I can only be here for a couple of hours.

Let me guess: You and the boys are jetting to Paris

to go clubbing with Madonna?

Actually, no. We'’re flying to Ohio

to sing for some kids at a hospital.

Ah. I did not know that.

But i'’m really sorry.

Is there anything I can do to make it up to you?

I can think of something.

Listen and listen good... Hanson.

You may be tops in pop

but I Don'’t like you dissing my friend roxie

or your implied diss with regard to me.

We'’re through, capiche?

Never seen him before in my life.

Aunt Irma, I need to talk to you.

I know you'’re out there somewhere!

What is it now?

I was right in the middle of barbecuing my brother-in-law.

Look, I Don'’t care if aunt hilda called you

her pet name for dried plums

you had no right to turn her

or anyone else into barnyard animals.

I beg your pardon.

Do you know to whom you'’re speaking?

Silence! It'’s my turn now

and I want to set the record straight.

These two little piggies have done a fantastic job in raising me.

And the third little piggy, well... we'’ll get back to him later.

The point is, they Don'’t deserve your stupid punishment.

If it makes you happy taking your anger out on somebody, take it out on me.

My, my, my, my, my, my, my.

What a brazen little witch you turned out to be.

You'’re the first person who'’s ever stood up to me.

Could you just give me a general idea

of what'’s going to happen here?

Certainly. With an attitude like that

you may wind up being the next matriarch of the spellman dynasty.

Say what now?

Sabrina, you'’re a formidable young lady

and you'’ve earned my respect.

I will now take my leave...

Right after you give your auntie a great big hug.

Enough.

Happy birthday and good-bye.

Wait! What about the little piggies?

Oh, they'’re so much cuter this way.

Oh, very well.

Sabrina, that was incredible!

An extraordinary display of courage and principle.

I taught you that.

I'’d love to accept your accolades

but i'’ve got a birthday to celebrate

and a boyfriend to thaw.

Oh, Sabrina, there you are.

Hey, what happened to the three little pigs?

Oh, they lived happily every after.

You know, someone still hasn'’t given me my birthday hug.

You'’re next, Josh.

Sabrina, what would you like for dessert?

We'’ve got birthday cake and ice cream.

And gingerbread cookies and cobbler...

Whoa, whoa, whoa. I am way too stuffed.

Hey, you know what would be a great idea?

We take all those desserts down to the soup kitchen

and share them with the people there.

Sexy and socially aware.

Can I pick them or what?

[ Pop intro playing]

♪ I said, hey, i'’m makin'’ my movie, baby ♪

♪ you keep fakin'’ on my ♪

♪ you keep breakin'’ on my ♪

♪ hey...

♪ You want that fine white wine, Mai Tai ♪

♪ what you want from me?

♪ '’cause you'’re on my mind ♪

♪ Don'’t you care no more ♪

♪ that you'’re losing yourself? ♪

♪ Don'’t you want some truth? ♪

♪ '’cause i'’ll give you mine ♪

♪ hey, when i'’m makin'’ my movie, baby ♪

♪ you keep sayin'’ all my lines ♪

♪ hey, after sunset drive cruisin'’, baby ♪

♪ you'’re just yesterday'’s price ♪

♪ mmm, hey!