Original subtitles

[ Murmuring]

Well, well, well, what'’s new, new, new?

Oh, Sabrina, hi.

Arthur and I were just

having a little discussion about physics.

Oh, looked a little more like chemistry to me.

So, I didn'’t know you and professor carlin...

Or should I say Arthur... Were involved again.

We'’ve been seeing each other, casually.

He was just keeping me company

while I wait for president banning.

My meeting was scheduled an hour ago.

I wonder what'’s keeping him.

I'’m sure he'’s just tied up with something important.

Hilda: Stop, that tickles!

[ Giggling]: That tickles, too!

Say it ain'’t so.

Oh, I would if I could.

Hi, zellie, Sabrina.

This is what higher education has sunk to.

I love the academic life, and guess what?

I just made the Dean'’s list.

♪ Life'’s changing around me, and i'’m gonna make it mine ♪

♪ i'’m reaching out and living by my rules... ♪

♪ Time'’s moving way too fast ♪

♪ I wanna make it last...

♪ '’cause i'’m out on my own now ♪

♪ and I like the way it feels.

[ Doorbell rings]

Could somebody get that?

This article on hairstyle makeovers

is too good to put down.

Ooh, love Allen iverson in a scrunchie.

Hi. Hope i'’m not bothering you.

This will only take a minute.

Take that.

Hey, what do you think you'’re doing?

Checking out my new digs.

What digs?

We'’re the only ones

who live in this house.

With the possible exception

of microorganisms

that may have crawled up

from the earth'’s crust.

Or not.

The housing office said

there was going to be a vacancy

because someone didn'’t pay their rent.

That'’s ridiculous.

Everyone paid their rent, right?

Right, which means

you and your tape measure can take a hike.

Okay, okay.

I guess i'’ll just have to find another place

big enough to hold my high-frequency radio telescope.

Come back!

We'’ll throw someone out!

I Don'’t have time for this bureaucratic stupidity.

I have to go to advanced calculus

and deal with my own stupidity.

Can you believe that housing office?

Tell me about it.

They said they'’d give me an extension.

Extension?

Morgan, you'’re the one that didn'’t pay the rent?

It'’s not my fault!

Daddy put me on a tight budget

and I had a couple of emergencies.

Prada pumps.

I bought them in burnished eggplant and spicy rust.

You got to trade them in for

some khaki-green hundred-dollar bills

or you'’re going to be living out on the street.

True, but shoe-wise, i'’m set for fall and winter.

Morgan would be totally embarrassed

if she knew I was asking you this

but we'’ve got to help her out.

Mismanaging money could happen to anyone.

Couldn'’t happen to me.

I Don'’t have enough money to mismanage.

I'’d rather discuss who gets Morgan'’s spacious bedroom.

Mine is so small, I have

to store my allergy medication in my socks.

At least you get to do it in private.

I have a roommate who watches my every hygienic move.

Right, like I care that

you'’re a serial exfoliator.

Guys, look, a roommate is in crisis

and I believe if push came to shove

she'’d be there for us.

This is Morgan we'’re talking about?

Look, all I can say is

underneath Morgan'’s shallow exterior...

Is a shallow interior.

Right, but underneath that

is a decent, okay person.

That'’s why i'’m taking the money I was saving for Josh'’s birthday

and loaning it to Morgan.

Okay, fine, i'’m in.

Me, too.

But it'’s going to be

pretty tight for me this month.

No luxuries, like... What is that thing called?

Oh, yeah... food.

And i'’ll be giving up my lifeline... sudafed.

Hi. Whatcha doing?

Salem and I joined the other realm book club.

Oh, how nice for you.

Well, while you'’re sitting around, reading about life

i'’ll be out living it.

I'’ve been invited to a dinner party at Wayne'’s house.

A dinner party?

With the president of my college?

Oh, it'’s just an intimate gathering...

President banning, moi

and the people who are really close to him.

I wonder why I wasn'’t invited.

I thought Wayne and I were friends.

Well, maybe he doesn'’t want to mix business with pleasure.

Besides, you have a full life.

You have your reading group...

With your cat.

We may not be the algonquin round table

but we have better snacks.

Hilda, this is really making me mad.

Oh, come on.

It'’s just one little fabulous soiree.

You could have put in a good word

and gotten Arthur and me invited to that party.

Instead, you throw it in my face and laugh... why?

What are you getting out of this?

Inner peace, and from what I understand

a very tasty veal chop.

Oh, the gravy, the gravy!

[ Doorbell rings]

[ Clears throat]

Ah, hilda.

Hi. Hi.

May I take your wrap?

Sure, but if you Don'’t mind

i'’d like to keep my skirt on for the party.

Talk to me after the hors d'’oeuvres.

[ Laughter]

Uh, Wayne, perhaps you can settle the debate i'’m having

with the chair of the philosophy department.

Is this real or imitation crab?

It'’s as real as my affection

for this charming creature next to me.

Hilda, do you know professor carlin?

Sure, he'’s dating my older sister.

Oh, excuse me.

And, apparently, this little trollop.

Ashley, would you excuse us for a moment, please?

I know this is a little awkward

but there'’s no need to get upset.

Oops, too late.

Zelda and I have an agreement

that we Don'’t date each other exclusively.

Oh, really? Well, according to

my understanding of the word "agreement"

both people have to be in on it.

Both people are.

Yeah, you and Ashley.

And I suppose when she needs help with her homework

you'’re right on top of it.

No.

So, have you guys decided what you want yet?

I'’d like a frappuccino

but since I lent Morgan all my money

i'’ll go with water.

That sounds good... make it two.

Wow, a ten-dollar tip?

That'’s more than I ever got when I worked here.

What'’s your secret?

Flirting heavily with any guy named Clyde, Irving or morty.

And just so you know, this money

is going to help buy your surprise birthday present

which, by the way, you'’ll never guess in a million years.

Photographer'’s vest, medium, Navy blue.

Aha! Royal blue.

Seriously, Sabrina, those are really expensive.

You'’re going to have to serve morty

a lot of coffee cake to afford that.

I'’m on it... hey, morty

those new trifocals make you look ten years younger.

Oh, that purse!

Ever heard of the endangered species act?

Ever heard of shaving cream?

Hey, Morgan, nice ensemble.

Where'’d you get the purse?

Is it new?

To me.

Before that, I believe it belonged to the alligator.

Excuse us.

Quick question: Why is Morgan buying

an expensive alligator purse when she owes us money?

I Don'’t know.

Maybe it was a gift, or maybe it'’s a cheap synthetic...

You know, schmalligator.

You Don'’t really believe that, do you?

I'’m giving her the benefit of the doubt.

She said she'’s going to pay us back

and we should believe her. Any other questions?

Yes. If there'’s a schmalligator

is there also a schmocodile?

Oh, i'’m starved.

What are you guys having for dinner?

Both: Creamed corn.

Oh, didn'’t you have that last night?

Had it for breakfast, too.

I go through weird food phases myself.

One week, all I wanted was shiitake mushrooms.

[ Doorbell rings]

Now i'’m on a Sushi kick.

I'’ll give her a Sushi kick.

Hi. Someone ordered the mount fuji special.

Someone right here.

Just keep the change.

Wow, thanks!

God bless you.

Miles, roxy... anybody want some Sushi?

It'’s the best in town.

I can'’t believe you ordered Sushi.

I know, i'’ve heard all those stories

about raw fish and bacteria

but you Don'’t have to worry

if you'’re willing to pay top dollar.

Yeah, ourtop dollars.

Hi. What'’s going on?

Don'’t "hi" me.

You told us Morgan was broke

and now she'’s spending our money on purses and fish.

Yikes!

This is what they'’re getting for freshwater eel?

This is ridiculous.

I'’ll go talk to Morgan right now.

Thank you, and how would you like your corn served?

To someone else.

[ Knock on door]

Morgan, it'’s me.

Come on in, and bring your complexion problems.

Why? Are we having a blackhead party?

We may.

Look what I just bought...

An electronic pore cleanser.

Now there'’s no need to worry about

those bumpy things on the side of your nose.

Funny, I Don'’t worry about stuff like that.

I worry about why you'’re spending

the money you borrowed on frivolous junk.

Sabrina...

It'’s immoral, it'’s unethical

and nobody gives a hoot about the side of your nose.

They will once I shrink these pores.

Sabrina

I am hurt that you would think

I wasn'’t going to pay you back.

Oh, and why would I think that?

Relax, everything is fixed.

I called my dad

told him about my budgeting problems

and he said he was going to send me

a big, fat envelope.

It'’ll be here tomorrow.

Whew, that is such a relief.

Now, if you'’ll excuse me, I have some suctioning to do.

Won'’t I miss that.

I understand why the caterer was naked.

I Don'’t understand why there weren'’t any pictures!

Zelda, I need to talk to...

Oh, hi, everybody.

Um, just ignore us.

Hilda, you interrupted my book club.

They can wait.

There'’s something I have to tell you.

What is it?

I can'’t tell you.

Then, since I have guests in the other room

perhaps i'’ll go back.

Your boyfriend is two-timing you with a 25-year-old.

Gosh, look at the time.

Hey, who'’s up for strudel in the other realm?

Hilda, you ruined my book club.

You'’ve got bigger problems, sister.

Arthur carlin...

The man you wanted to take to the dinner party...

Was at the dinner party with someone else.

Salem: So we heard.

A 25-year-old chicky-poo.

Only 630 years younger than you.

Said the cat who spikes his iced tea with metamucil.

I like the texture.

And get this: Then carlin comes up with this lame excuse

that you two have an agreement to see other people.

Well, we do.

I'’m the one that suggested it.

Look, hilda, to be honest, it would have been nice

if Arthur had taken me to that party

but he didn'’t.

I'’m okay with it.

Likely story.

Don'’t hold anything in, sister.

Express your pain.

The only pain I feel

is your nails digging into my back.

Now, if you'’ll excuse me

i'’m going to start my book for next week.

Don'’t you even want to know what she looks like?

No! yes!

I Don'’t get it... Why is the mail late

the one day we'’re expecting money?

If we Don'’t get our money back, we'’re not

going to be eating anything.

All I know is i'’m down to three decongestants

and a packet of ketchup.

And our physics class starts in seven minutes.

Oh, you guys go.

I'’ll stay here and keep an eye out for the cash

and here is some sweet '’n low for the road.

Has the mailman been here yet?

Nope.

I wish he'’d hurry up.

I want to get to bloomingdale'’s.

I'’m trying to improve my walking time

between cosmetics and shoes.

Well, it'’s better than having no goals at all.

He'’s here!

Ah, yes, the mother lode!

Careful, Don'’t tear the money!

Oh, this isn'’t money.

These are my bills.

"The Oklahoma earring trading company"?

"Just washcloths"?

Oh, the check must be in here.

"Dear Morgan...

"I hope you'’re enjoying all the purchases you made

"because you won'’t be making any more.

At least not with my money. Dad."

Oh, my god, i'’ve been cut off.

I'’m broke!

Oh!

That makes four of us.

Daddy says until I learn how to manage my money

i'’m not getting any more.

Do I have a lawsuit here?!

Morgan, I wasn'’t the only one that helped you out.

Miles and roxie chipped in, too.

They did? I had no idea how much they cared about me.

They Don'’t.

I guilted them

into doing it.

Still, they took money out of their own pockets

and gave it to me.

Sabrina, I am hopeless.

I just wish that somewhere along the way

someone had taught me how to stretch a dollar.

Stretch a dollar?

That'’s a good idea.

Morgan, how much money do you have left?

A dollar.

Thank you.

Why are you taking my last dollar?!

None of your business.

Your business is to go out and get a job ata business.

And I mean business!

A job?

I guess this is what they mean by "bottoming out."

Be right with you.

Got to hang tens.

[ Chuckles]

How can I help you?

I Don'’t know. I'’ve seen your ads on other realm cable

but i'’m still not sure exactly what you do.

Well, we launder money, pinch pennies

and, starting may 1st, serve cajun buffalo wings.

Well, can you stretch a mortal dollar?

Faster than a one-eyed possum on a greased-up armadillo.

I'’ll assume that'’s pretty fast.

Here. Go crazy.

You know, if you help stretch

you get a lot more bang for your buck

and i'’ll give you a buffalo wing coupon.

Oh, i'’ve never stretched anything before.

Well, except maybe the truth now and then.

Well, just grab the other half

and give a good pull.

This money'’s really hard to hang on to.

I hate this part.

Oh, but I love this part. Whoo!

Hey, I think there'’s a game show here.

You animal!

It'’s like he grew an extra hand over the weekend.

Carlin: Isn'’t she gorgeous?

She takes my breath away.

Wow. I can see why. Mm-hmm.

I think this calls for a little hearing helper.

She is a hottie.

I cannot see how this babe is your girlfriend.

Well, it'’s not official yet, but i'’m working on it.

I can definitely see myself

spending the rest of my life with this one.

Oh, really?

Well, here'’s what I see.

Nobody makes a fool of Zelda spellman except me.

And not only is he showing off pictures of that little hottie

he'’s also talking about spending the rest of his life with her.

Is that in the agreement?

Hilda, we Don'’t have anything in writing.

That was your first mistake.

Your second is letting him string you along.

Your third is reading crime and punishment.

Just watch reruns of law and order.

Oh, maybe you'’re right.

If Arthur really is that serious about someone else

I should at least know about it.

Oh, hallelujah! My work here is done.

Now, who else'’s life can I get involved in?

[ Gasps]

[ Yowls]

You got our money.

Yep, every last cent that Morgan owed us.

Here'’s yours and yours.

All right! This calls for a celebration.

Way ahead of you. I ordered pizza.

I'’ll eat anything that wasn'’t grown in a husk.

[ Doorbell rings]

Hi. What do I owe you?

$11.50.

Very funny. Now, how about the real stuff?

This isn'’t the real stuff?

I thought it was.

Here. Take mine.

Guys, I got pies that are getting soggy.

Can somebody please give me some usable cash?

Sabrina, what'’s going on here?

Oh, uh, you know, Morgan'’s dad

has a really wacky sense of humor.

I bet he bought this fake money at a joke shop, you know

to teach her a funny lesson.

It really is funny, isn'’t it?

My sides are splitting.

And So am I.

I can'’t believe this.

Me, neither.

I was this close to starch andthe protein.

Oh, well, there'’s still good news.

Even if the money is fake

Morgan'’s out looking for a job right now.

She'’ll pay us back.

With what? Exploding quarters?

It'’s a jungle out there.

I need a Perrier and a biscotti.

How'’d the job hunt go?

Very disappointing.

None of the places that I went to

lived up to my standards.

Yourstandards?

Morgan, you'’re supposed to be

living up to theirstandards.

You know, you'’re never going to get a job

unless you stop acting like a prima Donna.

Well, I Don'’t know if I can.

This is the way i'’ve always acted.

Little tip: It doesn'’t work for you anymore.

It'’s not working for us, either.

Last night I ate gum for dinner.

We'’re not sunk yet. Morgan, you work on your attitude

and i'’m going to go talk

to the guy responsible for this whole money mess.

Finally, someone'’s going to stand up to my father.

Wally, I got a problem.

You and me both.

Bad enough I got to launder money for these dang customers.

Now they want me to fluff and fold it.

Well, this dang customer wants to know why

the dollar we stretched turned into mini money.

I guess that'’s what it'’s worth in the mortal realm.

You know, in Neptune

you'’d be living like a king.

You'’d freeze your butt off, though.

Well, can you do something?

My friend drained my bank account, and she won'’t get a job

because she thinks she'’s too good for everybody.

Oh, that'’s a whole different bucket of bait.

Your friend doesn'’t need money stretched.

She needs humble pie.

You mean that dark brown stuff

that causes you to become really modest

and leaves that unpleasant aftertaste?

Not the way my wife makes it.

Patty, come out here!

Got a girl out here

who wants one of your marvelous humble pies!

They'’re really not all that good.

I can'’t bake anywhere near as well as my mother.

I'’m not even worthy of her recipe.

Well, looks like someone'’s been picking at the pie.

Ain'’t nobody a bigger pie picker than my Patty.

Sold. I'’ll take one humble pie.

Thanks.

Sabrina, i'’m not much of a pie person

and i'’m really trying to cut back on desserts.

Oh, but this pie is super low in arrogance...

I mean, calories.

You know, you have been out busting your butt

trying to get a job

and I thought you could use a little treat.

It does look good.

And you'’re right.

After what I have been through

no one deserves a little pampering more than me.

Absolutely.

Mmm...

This is fabulous.

Mmm. Out of this world.

[ Magical ping]

And far better than I deserve.

Oh, you deserve it. Keep shoveling.

This is really starting to make me feel...

Humble enough to go look for work?

Exactly.

I just hope that i'’m worthy

of all those wonderful employers out there.

Oh, i'’m sure you are...

Now.

Hilda, I can handle this myself.

You could, but then, where would the fun be for me?

[ Gasps]

There he is!

I know what he looks like.

Uh... Arthur.

Zelda.

You look lovely.

Oh, right, you big liar!

Shh!

Arthur

we need to talk.

Don'’t you think if you want

to start dating someone exclusively

you should tell me about it?

Oh, actually, I was going to tell you tonight.

Yeah, right.

String her along while you run around

with that little lolita

whose picture you keep showing to every Tom, dick and Harry!

You mean this picture of the woman I adore?

Wow. You look great.

You see, I told you you had nothing to worry about.

I'’ve never seen a person try to make their own velcro.

Oh, it'’s just a little birthday present insurance

you know, just in case Morgan doesn'’t get a job

and I have to buy Josh a vest.

What do you think?

Stuff it with candy and you'’ve got a pinata.

Well, I did it.

I got a job.

Great. Great. Oh, that'’s fantastic. Congratulations.

Thanks.

It won'’t be long

before i'’ll be able to pay you all back.

Great, because this birthday present

would have been the end of my relationship.

So, where will you be working?

In the coffee house...

With you!

We'’re going to have so much fun together.

Yeah, it'’s going to be great.

Look at her. It'’s like she was born

to clear tables and schlep coffee.

Yeah, I guess that humble pie really did the trick.

You gave her humble pie?!

Yeah. Something wrong?

Just a little.

If someone who eats humble pie

runs into someone who takes the cake

it cancels out everything.

Hi. My name is Morgan

and i'’m honored to be your waitress today.

What can I get for you?

I'’ll take the cake.

No!

[ Magical ping]

Get it yourself.

I'’m going on break.

See you in three hours.

So, I think the new girl'’s really working out.