Original subtitles

[ Doorbell rings]

Oh, hey, Josh.

I thought you were supposed to be at work.

Is everything okay? Not really.

Mike gave me this impossible assignment.

He wants me to find some cutting edge writer'’s intern

and I just Don'’t know... Whoa-whoa-whoa.

Back up. Rewind. Did you say "writer'’s intern"?

Yeah, and get this...

This person has to be a journalism major.

I'’m a journalism major.

Plus, they have to have

some sort of college newspaper experience.

I have some sort of college newspaper experience.

Josh, you'’ve got to get me an interview.

I would, but unfortunately

some guy already slipped Mike his girlfriend'’s name.

Well, that'’s it? They'’re not even going to interview anyone else?

That hardly seems fair.

It isn'’t fair... at least not for the other people

'’cause Mike'’s hiring you!

Oh, my gosh, Josh, this is fantastic!

You'’re the greatest boyfriend in the universe.

And I know... I'’ve been out there.

I have to admit, this wasn'’t a completely selfless act.

Having my girlfriend at work means i'’ll get to do a lot more of this.

Whoa-whoa-whoa-whoa. Back up. Rewind.

I Don'’t think anyone at the newspaper should know about us.

Sabrina, Mike already knows we'’re a couple.

But I Don'’t want anyone else to know.

I mean, this is my first newspaper job in the real world.

It'’s important that people see me as a professional

not just the photographer'’s girlfriend.

Fine. Okay, as far as i'’m concerned, we'’ve never met.

You'’re just some anonymous ditsy blonde.

You'’re the best! Whoa!

♪ Life'’s changing around me, and i'’m gonna make it mine ♪

♪ i'’m reaching out and living by my rules... ♪

♪ Time'’s moving way too fast ♪

♪ I wanna make it last...

♪ '’cause i'’m out on my own now ♪

♪ and I like the way it feels.

How do I look? Hot.

No, no, no, I mean, do you I look professional?

I mean, I was kind of going for Katie Couric meets Connie chung

with a big smear of Ted koppel.

Well, that killed thatfantasy.

Maybe this'’ll bring it back.

One last kiss before we'’ve never met.

Oh, yeah, very discreet.

The office will never figure out that you two are dating.

Mike, I just want you to know how much I appreciate...

Talk is cheap.

You come with me.

And you, go play with your camera.

I'’m assigning you to my top reporter, Rebecca Scott, okay?

If you'’re smart, you'’re going to learn everything she has to teach you.

Sabrina, Rebecca. Rebecca, Sabrina.

The tour is officially over.

If you Don'’t mind, i'’ve got a newspaper to run

and a bear claw to dunk.

Fine. As soon as Kennedy is available

have him call me back on my private line.

Wow. You were calling senator Kennedy?

No. Jose Kennedy, my hairdresser.

Ted, I can get ahold of.

So, you are my new intern.

Yeah. I'’m Sabrina spellman.

I go to Adams college. I write for the school paper.

I did a little exposé on sororities.

Well, actually, it was 912 words.

That might make it a little bit more big than little.

Sabrina, there is no need to be nervous.

I started off as an intern, too

so I know exactly what you'’re going through.

Oh, so you, uh, noticed the lack of oxygen

flowing through my brain?

Look...

Obviously, you'’re very qualified for this job.

Otherwise, you wouldn'’t have beaten out

the tons of other people i'’m sure Mike interviewed.

Yeah. You know, the process was brutal.

Oh, obviously

it took a toll on my reflexes

and as soon as I pick up these pencils

I can get started on anything you want.

You know, phone calls, fact checking, research...

How about researching if there'’s a fresh pot of coffee?

I'’m on it.

Black, no sugar.

Got it.

Kitchen'’s upstairs.

You'’re good.

[ Gasps]

Gin. again?!

You must be cheating.

Yes. That must be it.

How else could a college professor

with a phd in quantum physics possibly outsmart a cat?

Great! Hilda'’s back.

Now we can play old maid.

Actually, i'’m more in the mood for go fish.

Ew!

I was making a joke!

And now i'’m laughing.

Zelly, you should have come with me.

I went bargain hunting in ancient Rome.

Look what I got from Cassius onlius.

I practically stole it.

A 22-karat gold necklace

for 50 lira!

Wow. Did that include the green ring around your neck?

Oh! That grape-gorging goat trader is going to pay!

On the positive side

it brightens up your pasty complexion!

Hilda, how many times does that scoundrel

have to rip you off before you learn your lesson?

Cassius onlius would sell his own mother for a profit.

Actually, he sold her for two javelins and a wheel of parmesan.

This wouldn'’t have happened

if you had come shopping with me.

To the land of no deodorant? I think not.

Take me!

I enjoy living on the edge.

Not the edge; Another story.

So, spellman, how goes it?

Great. I, uh, have mastered the toner change

and i'’m currently working on my third paper jam.

Yeah, well, when you'’re done UN-jamming

I need 30 copies of this.

Then I want you to hightail it over to the conference table.

Rebecca and the guy who isn'’tyour boyfriend

need your help with a big story they'’re working on.

30 copies, collated and stapled.

That'’s amazing.

Well, you know, once you'’ve cleared one jam...

No, no, no. Our copier neither collates nor staples.

But your new intern does.

Josh, have you met our new intern, Sabrina?

No. Perfect stranger.

I'’ve never seen this woman in my entire life.

I mean, hi. Nice to meet you.

Yeah, nice to meet you, too.

It'’s, uh, Josh, right?

Right, and... Sabrina, right?

Right.

Okay.

So, uh, Mike said you might need some help

with the story you'’re working on?

Yeah. This one is front-page.

Animal testing in the cosmetics industry.

Josh is going to be taking all the photographs

and you will be doing a lot of research.Great.

So, where do I start?

Who, what, where, why or how?

Let'’s start with who. Who wants lunch?

Josh, shall we send her out for Chinese or deli?

You want Sabrina to get my lunch?

Well, not just yourlunch; Everybody'’s.

She is the intern, and that'’s what she'’s here for.

Right, Sabrina?

Right. So, uh, what can I get you?

Really, i'’m fine. I ate yesterday.

Yes, but it'’s today, and it'’s time to eat again.

So what would you like?

I'’d like you to stop asking me what i'’d like?

I'’m not hungry.

Well, I am starving, so get me a blt

and the Turkey sandwich Josh would have if he were hungry.

I'’ll be right back. I'’m checking with copy.

What are you doing?

Why wouldn'’t you just give me your stupid lunch order?

I'’m sorry. I'’m just not comfortable

sending my girlfriend out to run my errands.

Look, Josh, you'’ve got to get over

this whole Mr. Caring sensitive thing.

Okay? When we'’re here, i'’m not your girlfriend.

I'’m a nameless, faceless drone.

I wish you'’d get that through your thick head.

Keep talking, and the girlfriend thing won'’t be an issue.

Now, that'’s what I want to hear.

Hey, guys, I need a favor.

I may be getting a call from my boss Rebecca

and in case i'’m not here

I Don'’t want anyone giving her information

as to my whereabouts or who i'’m with.

So you'’re on the paranoia wagon.

Welcome aboard.

I Don'’t get it, spellman.

You get a job at a newspaper

where the whole point is to tell the truth.

Then the minute you get there, your whole life becomes a lie.

Not a lie... a protected privacy defense system.

Guys, I want to establish credibility on my own terms.

I Don'’t want anyone thinking i'’m just there

because i'’m Josh'’s girlfriend.

[ Phone ringing]

Hello?

Maybe Sabrina'’s here, maybe she'’s not here.

Who wants to kn...

Hello? Hi, Rebecca.

Really? You liked my research on animal testing?

Wow, that means a lot

coming from a seasoned professional like you.

Yeah, it is unbelievable.

Who in their right mind

would put lip gloss on a schnauzer?

Great. See you tomorrow.

Rebecca liked my research!

She thinks I have potential.

Me, Sabrina, the intern, not Sabrina, Josh'’s girlfriend.

I still think you'’ve got to be careful.

Secrecy and deception have a way of coming back to haunt you.

You know, it'’s cynical thinking like that

that takes the joy out of the human experience.

I'’m out of here.

And Don'’t even ask me where i'’m going.

Okay, if you must know, i'’m going to the library.

Morgan, why are you throwing away good dishes?

Duh. They'’ve all been used.

We'’ve got a huge dishwasher in the back.

His name is Hank.

Whatever. This whole working-for-a-living thing

is a lot trickier than I thought.

Yes, i'’m sure it'’s not an easy jump from Princess to waitress.

No kidding. I mean, you'’d think instead

of cutting me off cold Turkey, daddy would have

canceled the platinum card first

and then slowly weaned me off the gold.

Speaking of gold, that'’s a nice piece of south Africa on your finger.

Oh, thanks.

This was b.D.C.M.O.

Before daddy cut me off.

Look at the size of that thing.

No wonder you can'’t balance a tray.

Yeah, you Don'’t find many full-faceted diamonds

with a vbs of two.

Sounds like you know your jewelry.

Let'’s put it this way:

Not only did I have breakfast at Tiffany'’s

I stayed for lunch and dinner.

Morgan, how would you like to cut out of here

and do some shopping?

Oh, i'’d love to.

But what about all these dishes?

Oh.

Done.

Wow! This is what I call shopping.

Yeah. Too bad you won'’t remember a thing when we get back.

Yo, Cassius, bangle me, baby.

Ooh, nice chicken.

[ Squawks]

Rebecca called me last night.

She said she loves my stuff.

Oh, great. Now, can we drop this act

and tell her you'’re my girlfriend?

No way. I Don'’t want her to think we lied to her.

Wedidn'’t. Youdid.

Look, if you two strangers

want people to really think you'’re just drinking water

you ought to put some in your cups.

I'’ll see you later.

Hey, try some water... It'’s to die for.

Here'’s some info I dug up on monkeys and moisturizer.

Once again, great job, Sabrina.

Can I ask you a personal question

just... just between friends?

Wow, we'’re friends? That was fast. Ask away.

What do you think about Josh?

Josh? Oh, I never think about Josh.

Why would I think about Josh?

I was just wondering if you thought he was cute.

Me? Oh, no-no-no-no.

I Don'’t go for that unshaven, fishy-looking pisces type.

You?

Yeah. I think he'’s a babe.

Josh? Are-are we talking about the same Josh here?

How do you know he'’s a pisces?

You know, I just read it in the employee newsletter

right next to that fun article on 401ks.

The "k" stands for "kookie."

Did the newsletter happen to mention

if he has a girlfriend?

Josh? Girlfriend? Please.

What, do you think he'’s not into girls?

You heard that rumor, too? Wait a minute.

You'’re not interested in him, are you?

Me? Oh, I may be desperate but i'’m not thatdesperate.

No, the truth is, he strikes me as the loner type.

You know, living at home with his mother, playing PlayStation 2.

Yeah. He'’s about to move on to PlayStation 3.

I'’m going to ask him out.

Don'’t speak. Just listen.

Rebecca'’s going to ask you out.

Just tell her you have a girlfriend

and it'’ll all be over with.

Here she comes. Got to go.

By the way, she knows you'’re a pisces.

Hey, Josh.

Yeah, that'’s me, the pisces.

Listen, I just wanted to ask you something.

Ask me anything, and if I Don'’t know

i'’ll ask my girlfriend.

You have a girlfriend?

Oh, do I have a girlfriend?

So?

He is seeing someone.

Bummer!

It'’s just weird; I'’ve never heard him talk about anyone.

Really? He'’s worked here for three months

and he'’s never even mentioned his girlfriend?

Maybe he'’s a very private person.

Ormaybe he'’s not that serious about her.

He'’s so. I mean, who knows, you know?

The point is, he'’s already taken.

Sabrina, I am going to put you on a very special assignment.

Those investigative skills

are really going to come in handy.

Lay it on me.

Find out who this girl is

that Josh is dating.

Uh...

Me? I mean, you want meto find out?

Yes, and see if you can find out

just how serious they are.

Fine, but I really think

all this research is a waste of time.

I mean, Josh doesn'’t strike me as your type.

What about Gordon, the accountant? He'’s adorable.

He is 70.

But he just got a new heart.

I give it to you for 40 lira.

Please.

I could buy this for 20 at Caesar'’s palace, Las Vegas

plus get a free spin on the wheel.

30 lira, and I throw in this handcrafted rattan kifa

ooh! Take it, take it.

15 lira, final offer

or we go to the thief in the next stall.

20.

We'’re out of here.

Okay, okay, 15 lira, but no kifa.

So we have a deal?

Does nero fiddle?

Oh, did you hear that, Morgan?

We have a deal!

Pay the man and show him your fingers, so he can size it.

Do me a favor, huh?

Next time, leave Princess at home.

In your dreams, toga boy.

From now on, Princess comes with me on every Roman holiday.

[ Trumpet fanfare]

Man: Hail, Caesar!

When it comes to jewelry

Princess is worth her weight in gold.

So what do you say, we hit neiman Marcus, aurelius?

Morgan?

Cassius, I lost Princess!

Perhaps I can interest you in a matching breastplate?

How much?

I'’m in deep, miles. Rebecca wants me to find out

who Josh'’s girlfriend is and then report back to her.

Well, you could... Come clean about Josh and me dating?

I thought of that, but then Rebecca

would hate me for lying to her

i'’ll blow whatever progress I made so far.

Why Don'’t you just... Say Josh isn'’t dating me anymore?

But then Rebecca will be all over him again.

Oh, what about...? Just keeping up a charade?

It is the only possible option

but then I still have to come up

with some fictitious girlfriend.

Have you ever considered... That'’s it!

Letting me finish a sentence?

Hey, Don'’t speak. Just listen.

Roxy is your girlfriend.

Roxy?! Are you nuts?

No, but you are, about her. Got to go.

Man, got to stop hanging out by this water cooler.

Can I help you, miss?

I'’m looking for my boyfriend, Josh.

Oh, that must make you Josh'’s girlfriend.

Only for the next five minutes.

Remember I like my jeans folded and my t-shirts hand-washed.

There'’s the woman after your man... I mean, my man.

I mean, I never agreed to have hand-wash anything. No!

Rebecca, look who'’s here.

Josh'’s girlfriend.

Hi, honey.

How is it going?

Uh... good.

Well, thanks for stopping by.

They'’re a couple?

Yeah. Couple people madly in love.

But he didn'’t even kiss her hello.

Oh, i'’m sure there'’s all kinds of passion

bubbling underneath the surface.

Mmm...

Wow, honey, can'’t get enough of that sugar.

Yeah. Well, there'’s a lot more where that came from.

I know. That'’s why i'’m your girlfriend.

Whoo! There'’s one hot couple.

Somebody throw a bucket of water on those two.

Are we looking at the same couple?

Okay, come here, you sexy thing, you.

Ohh!

What are you doing?!

What were youdoing?

Trying to kiss my sweetie.

Well, find yourself another sweetie.

I'’ll make miles do my laundry.

Did you hear that? She just broke up with Josh.

You know what that means, Don'’t you?

We'’ve to do everything in our power to get them back together.

No! We do everything in our power to get me together with Josh.

How do you think I should approach him?

Well, give him a year or two to get over it

and then give him another year to sow his wild oats

and then if you'’re still interested

ask him out for coffee.

[ Bubbling]

Zelda, I need you to come with me to ancient Rome.

I'’m running.

You Don'’t understand.

I went back to the colosseum.

I found this gorgeous ring.

I didn'’t get the key fob.

Get to the point.

I'’m one step away from discovering cold fusion.

I took Morgan with me and I lost her.

I'’ll get my purse.

So, now Rebecca'’s hot on your tail again.

What am I going to do?

I'’ll tell you what you'’re notgoing to do.

Fix me up with any more girls like roxy.

I think she tore my rotator cuff.

I want you to kiss her, not swallow her tonsils.

Hey, you'’re the one who told me

to really sell her the girlfriend thing.

Look, i'’m sorry I got you involved in this whole big lie.

I promise i'’ll make it up to you.

Yeah? Starting when?

Starting now.

Wow. Well, well.

Rebecca! Rebecca!

I bet this wasn'’t in the employee newsletter.

I can explain.

No need to.

A picture is worth a thousand words.

I knew you liked him.

I Don'’t! Really.

Rebecca, this is all my fault.

Save it, Sabrina.

It won'’t be an issue anymore.

Think she knows?

Figured she'’d be in the last place we looked.

Okay, here'’s the plan.

You distract the eunuch while I smuggle Morgan out.

Why do I always have to distract the eunuch?

Because you'’re always the one that gets us

into this ridiculous scenario, that'’s why.

Fine! I'’ll distract the eunuch.

Oh, hey, baldy.

You got a little olive oil right there.

Morgan: Put me down! My nails are still wet.

You'’ll never get away with this!

My boyfriend is in charge of this whole empire!

Well, well, that was fun.

Nothing like trying to outrun half the Roman army

with a giant urn on your head.

Oh, come on. It'’s not like

you didn'’t get a few phone numbers

hilda, that had to be

one of your more spectacular screwups.

Like i'’m the only one who ever screws up?

Hardly.

May I direct your attention to the dining room.

Well, well, well, what do we have here?

A not so itsy-bitsy spider.

Hi, guys. Just hanging out.

It'’s like somebody got herself tangled up in a web of lies.

It must have been some pretty elaborate lies

to get caught in a web this big.

Thank god, someone to take the heat off me.

Well, i'’ll tell you all about them after you cut me out.

That'’s only a temporary fix.

Well, how can I permanently solve my problem?

You have to go to the people you lie to and tell the truth.

You know, I think i'’ll just stay here, start my own web site.

Okay, i'’m just going to tell Rebecca the whole story

from beginning to end.

Hopefully, she'’ll see that my intentions were good

and i'’ll be forgiven.

Okay, wait. You might want to lose the cobweb.

Has anyone seen Rebecca?

No. She must have come in in the middle of the night

and cleared out all her stuff.

Josh, did you hear that? Rebecca'’s gone.

I totally humiliated the star reporter.

With a great big assist from me.

No, no, no. I'’m the one

who got us into this mess in the first place

and now i'’m going to get us out of it.

No, Lucy, not another plan.

Excuse me.

Everybody, gather around and listen up.

Contrary to what my fine acting skills

may have led you to believe

I do not find Josh a pathetic mama'’s boy.

In fact, the sorry truth is that

Josh and I are dating.

Yep, that'’s right, Josh and I

are boyfriend-girlfriend, an item.

We'’re absolutely crazy about each other.

They get the point.

But just because Josh got me the job

does not mean that I lack the ability

to be accepted on my own terms.

True, I should have never lied about the relationship

but trust me, nobody feels worse than I do

that this paper lost its best reporter because of me.

Hey, Rebecca didn'’t leave because of you.

She got a job as a foreign correspondent

for the Washington post.

What?

She said she was going to

stop by that coffee joint you worked at and say good-bye.

Making my little outburst completely unnecessary

and me the object of total humiliation.

Thank you. Good night.

Who the heck was that?

Beats me. I think she cleans the bathroom.

Roxy was right.

Secrecy and lying come back to haunt you.

Sabrina, I know why you did it

and there'’s nothing wrong with lying to be accepted

for who you are and not who you'’re dating.

But, please, just promise me one thing?

From now on, everything will be out in the open?

You got it. Hey, I guess that means we Don'’t have

to hide in a corner to kiss anymore.

I knew there was an upside.

People, people, please.

Show a little class, will you?

What do you think the supply room is for?

It all seems so real.

I was dating this Roman emperor

and I was living in this beautiful palace.

Nice memory spells.

She remembers every detail.

She doesn'’t.

Oh, and you were there, too, hilda.

And so was Zelda.

She clobbered this bald, fat man with her purse.

No. Idistracted the eunuch.

What do you want, a medal?

I hope you learned your lesson

about shopping in ancient Rome.

Believe me, I am so through with ancient Rome.

Morgan, ever shop for sapphires in mesopotamia?