Original subtitles

Well, it looks like everything'’s in order.

All my chemicals are perfectly balanced.

Let the cloning begin.

An exact duplicate.

Eureka!

I'’m a genius!

[ Phone ringing]

Probably the nobel committee.

Hello?

Hi, whatcha doing?

Just replicating a sequence of deoxyribonucleic acid.

You'’re cloning?

Wow, i'’m so proud to have you as my aunt.

I mean, you'’re not only brilliant

you'’re beautiful, kind

and you'’re very, very, very special to me.

How much money do you need?

How much can you clone?

Cloning money is illegal.

But the sky'’s the limit with produce.

How are you fixed for melons?

Mmm, tomato.

They say the antioxidants are good for the prostate and...

[ Chuckles]

Huh?

♪ Life'’s changing around me, and i'’m gonna make it mine ♪

♪ i'’m reaching out and living by my rules... ♪

♪ Time'’s moving way too fast ♪

♪ I wanna make it last...

♪ '’cause i'’m out on my own now ♪

♪ and I like the way it feels.

Sabrina, i'’m not paying you

to make goo-goo eyes at the customers.

Oh, i'’ve been meaning to bring that up

at a staff meeting.

Hey, it'’s not my fault you never

get to spend any time with Josh.

Who told him to leave his job

at the coffeehouse to go work at some dead-end newspaper?

Okay, I got to go, Sabrina.

The "dead-end newspaper"

is sending me to photograph the pope.

Yeah, but does the paper give you free lattes?

He didn'’t get that here, either.

Listen, Mike'’s giving me Wednesday night off

and I promise, we'’ll be together.

Wednesday sounds good.

Wednesday it is.

Bye-bye!

Harvey, what happened to you?

Just a little hockey injury.

Which he got while scoring

the game-winning goal for Boston college.

Harvey'’s the star of the team.

And i'’m the star'’s girlfriend.

And i'’m going to hurl. I'’ll see you Wednesday.

We'’ll do whatever you want. I Don'’t care what it costs.

Oh, you Don'’t have to spend a cent on me

as long as we'’re together.

That'’s a sentence

you will never, ever hear me say.

Hey, Sabrina, can I talk to you for a minute?

Sure, what'’s up?

I need your help.

This ankle injury'’s pretty serious.

I'’m afraid if coach finds out

i'’ll wind up on the bench for the season.

Well, i'’m not an orthopedic surgeon, Harvey

but, hey, if you'’re up for it...

Actually, I was hoping

that you could do that thing that...

That only you can do?

Turn the world on with my smile?

Oh, wait, that'’s Mary.

I'’m talking about magic.

Sabrina, i'’m desperate.

We'’ve got a big game coming up

and the team'’s counting on me.

Harvey, i'’m not allowed

to give my magic away to mortals.

I'’m a witch, not a genie.

Oh.

You wouldn'’t happen to know any genies, would you?

Only one, but she'’s having a little problem

with the bottle, if you catch my drift.

Sorry, Harvey, my fingers are tied.

Well, it was worth a shot.

But i'’ll tell you what, if you go see a doctor

and get it taken care of, I promise i'’ll be at the game

and i'’ll bring everyone I know to cheer you on.

That would be great.

See you Wednesday night.

Wednesday night.

I'’m sure Josh won'’t mind spending our date

cheering on my ex-boyfriend.

My first night off in two weeks

and i'’m supposed to cheer on your ex-boyfriend?

I hardly even know Harvey.

I hate hockey, and she still dragged me here.

I'’ve got bigger problems.

Every sporting event I go to

I get hit in the head by something.

There can be

60,000 people in a stadium

and no matter where i'’m sitting

the puck or the ball... Or the matador...

Comes flying up and hits me in the head.

Will you shut up already?

Although, it usually doesn'’t kick in

until the game actually begins.

Guys, stop complaining.

Harvey'’s playing through an injury

and we'’re here to support him.

Yeah, anything for your ex-boyfriend.

Who happens to be my current boyfriend.

I'’m dating number ten.

He'’s the star.

Two salems can drive

ninny and the professor twice as crazy

and we can be kings of this castle.

You'’ve got beauty and brains

which means, so do I.

Hmm...

Salem, what have you done?

Me? Nothing.

I'’ve just been sitting here

grooming myself, as cats will do.

Hmm...

Must'’ve been the wind.

I think you owe me an apology.

I'’m sorry, Salem.

I'’ll let it go this time.

Wait a minute.

What wind?

This could be the beginning

of a beautiful friendship.

I like the way I think.

Oh, there goes Harvey!

He'’s driving toward the goal!

And he gets the puck stolen from him.

Thief!

Oh, there goes Harvey!

He'’s wide open!

He'’s getting ready to shoot!

And he trips and falls... again.

The beauty of ice is that after you fall on it

you can use it to bring down the swelling.

Oh, he'’s back up!

You know what they say...

You can'’t keep a good man down.

Ooh! Or kinkle up.

This is so humiliating.

Oh, Harvey'’ll bounce back.

I meant for me.

I'’m his girlfriend.

It looks like the coach is benching him.

Wow, i'’ve never seen anyone fall off the bench before.

Let'’s hope they keep him benched for the rest of the season.

This is exactly what Harvey was afraid of.

Hey, kinkle! You stinkle!

Oh, man, even i'’m feeling sorry for the guy.

Oh, poor Harvey.

I just Don'’t understand.

I mean, just last week he was skating like a god.

Skating? God?

That'’s it.

Uh, i'’ll be right back.

I'’ve got to get more relish for my sausage.

I'’ll get it for you. No, no, no, no!

I am very particular about the relish on my sausage.

If there'’s too much relish, it can overpower a sausage.

If there'’s not enough, it can... underpower it.

Do you give this much thought to all your condiments?

Don'’t get me started on horseradish.

I know what she means.

I'’m convinced the cause of my uncle buddy'’s death

was aunt may'’s relish.

Not that uncle buddy didn'’t have it coming.

Thank you!

Hi, Mercury, i'’m...

Eh, eh, eh...

Now, i'’m sorry about your late delivery, Minerva

but the traffic around mount Olympus is a nightmare.

[ Sarcastic chuckle]

She may be the goddess of wisdom

but she has got a mouth like a chariot driver.

I'’m sorry to bother you, but my ex-boyfriend

is playing in a big hockey game right now

and he'’s got this ankle injury

and the coach has benched him

and I was wondering if you had

a pair of really fast ice skates I could borrow.

And you are the goddess of what, run-on sentences?

Actually, i'’m not a goddess... I'’m a witch.

Well, actually, half-witch, half-mortal.

Well, how about those skates?

I only have one pair.

I'’ve never lent them out before.

Well... you can have them for three virgins.

Oh, and a goat.

Would you settle for

a foot-long Polish sausage with extra kraut?

Oh, you found my achilles heel!

That'’s the one thing you can'’t get up here.

Oh, just be sure and bring them back within 24 hours.

Oh, well, that'’s how long it should take

for that sausage to back up on you.

Harvey, put these on.

Where'’d these come from?

Don'’t ask questions.

Just do as I say.

Suddenly I feel like we'’re dating again.

I need these back first thing tomorrow morning, got it?

Got it, thanks.

I knew I could count on you.

You are the greatest.

Whoa.

I thought you were somebody else.

Really sorry.

Want to get some coffee after the game?

Wayne is really going to love my impromptu little dinner.

Don'’t you think the president of the college

deserves something a little classier

than Bologna and ding dongs?

Did you not notice the cheez whiz?

I stand corrected.

So, you and Zelda'’s boss?

Frankly, if I were Zelda, i'’d be a wee bit upset.

If you were Zelda, i'’d be suicidal.

There, all done.

I just have to run upstairs

and get a blanket for us to snuggle on.

Oh, what was I thinking?

There'’s no way i'’m leaving you alone here

with all this food.

[ Sobbing]

Hilda?

Oh, my goodness!

It looks like we'’ve been pillaged by the huns again.

Zelda spellman, how could you?

How could I what?

Just because you'’re jealous because i'’m dating your boss

doesn'’t give you the right to destroy my romantic dinner.

Obviously this was the work of a fiendish four-legged feline.

I Don'’t think so, Zelda.

Salem was with me the whole time.

I can'’t believe you think I would do something so petty

just because i'’m jealous, which I absolutely am not.

For once in your 658 years

will you own up to your real feelings?

All right, you want real feeling, sister?

I'’ll give you real feelings.

I think president banning is out of his mind

to be going out with you.

Oh, yeah? Well, who asked you?

You did!

Sure, throw that in my face.

Oh, no, missy, you opened up this can of worms

and we'’re going to finish it!

[ Chewing loudly]

Now that'’s entertainment, hmm?

Announcer: Goal for Boston college!

Ladies and gentlemen, a new single game scoring record

has just been set by Harvey kinkle!

That'’s my boyfriend!

All: We know!

I'’ve never seen someone skate so fast before.

Call me crazy, but I think he'’s really flying.

Oh, no, no! He'’s just jazzed

because we all showed up to cheer him on!

You know, he never played like this

before I was his girlfriend.

Yeah, well, if you'’re his girlfriend

why is he waving at mine?

Oh, he'’s not waving at me.

He'’s just... trying to get the vendor.

Uh, get that guy some nuts!

Hi, Harvey.

Still flying high after last night'’s game?

It was the most exciting night of my life

and I owe it all to you.

Oh, what are friends for?

I mean, i'’m sure you would'’ve done the same thing for me.

You know, if you were a witch.

I brought you a little present.

Oh, it'’s beautiful!

But you really didn'’t have to get me anything.

Oh, yes, I did.

The coach was so impressed

with my performance last night

he took the skates from my locker

and secretly had them bronzed.

It'’s a real honor.

It'’s a real disaster is what it is.

I borrowed these skates from Mercury

and the last thing you want to do is make a god angry.

Wow, I was wearing a god'’s skates?

That is so cool.

Okay, I Don'’t think you get what'’s at stake here.

Um, does the name prometheus mean anything to you?

He'’s the guy who stole fire from Zeus.

And wound up chained to a rock for all eternity

with vultures pecking out his liver!

We'’ve got to get those skates out of there!

Wait! No need to destroy school property.

I keep forgetting you can do that.

Now the important part: UN-bronzing them.

Well, so much for saving school property.

What are we going to do?

All I know is, no bird is getting near my liver!

They'’re bronzed!

Consider it a gift.

You Don'’t have to thank me.

I won'’t, because I have no use for bronzed skates.

Can'’t you just unbronze them?

Could you?

No, but i'’m just a witch.

You'’re a god.

Have you ever heard of a god of UN-bronzing?

Isn'’t he the one who brought us sunscreen?

Look, blondie, you'’re in big trouble.

You ruined my only pair of skates

and now you'’re going to have to pay the consequences.

No, please Don'’t peck out my liver.

I have midterms in two weeks

and it'’s really hard to study without a vital organ.

Save it for Zeus.

Punishments are his specialty.

Dottie, can you get Zeus for me?

Thanks, dottie, and i'’ll need another desk.

Who am I punishing today?

Her. I loaned her my only pair of skates

and she ruined them.

It was an accident.

You see, I borrowed them

for my ex-boyfriend. We have a lot of history.

Anyway, his team was losing the game

and he was injured, so...

Quiet!

And that'’s why he gets paid the big bucks.

Young lady, destroying the property of a god

is a serious offense.

And it is my pleasure... I mean, duty

to come up with an appropriate punishment.

Um, I Don'’t mean to be pushy, Zeus

but isn'’t it also the duty of a god...

Especially you, the king of gods...

To be merciful?

Mercy'’s a wonderful concept

but I find it gets in the way of punishment.

Since i'’m the injured party...

Oh, oh... Uh, great god of gods.

May I be so bold as to suggest

that she make all my deliveries for a month?

Well, I suppose that would be more fitting than...

Throwing her in a pit

and letting the wildebeests feast on her?

Way more fitting.

Would it kill him to use a door once in a while?

I understand the shoes

but do I have to wear this hideous hat?

It was a birthday gift from Zeus'’s wife.

I love it.

Here'’s your beeper.

And deliver this package to Apollo.

Is this the only one?

No. It'’s the only one I could lift.

[ Sighs]

If anyone needs me

i'’ll be snorkeling at club med Atlantis.

And i'’ll be here drowning in a sea of cardboard.

Package for Mr. Narcissus?

Sign here, please.

Okay, i'’ve got to write the psychology paper

and then i'’ve got to deliver

this mother'’s day basket from oedipus.

Hmm, if only I could write about that.

Pan? Pan?

Pan!

Message from your condo association:

"Learn a new freakin'’ song."

Hey, Don'’t shoot the messenger!

Josh: Sorry I missed you again.

You know, your phone also dials out.

Josh? Josh, wait!

Hello?

[ Pager beeping]

"And wear flippers"?

Now, what'’s that about?

Oops. My mistake.

Josh, what are you doing here?

I just wanted to see what'’s up with you.

I mean, whenever I call, you'’re never...

What are you wearing?

Is that seaweed in your hair?

Oh, i'’m going for a new look.

I'’m sorry I haven'’t called you. It'’s been a god-awful week.

Hey, i'’m busy, too, all right?

But at least I find time to return your calls.

We haven'’t talked

since you dragged me to Harvey'’s game.

Sabrina, is there something going on with you two

you'’re not telling me about?

Josh, you know that'’s not true. Why would you even think that?

[ Knocking]

Hey, Sabrina

just wanted to thank you again for last night.

Oh, Harvey, not now.

Hey, Josh, didn'’t see you there.

Obviously.

Um, I can explain.

[ Pager beeping]

Uh, as soon as I get back.

Got to go.

Girl can wear anything, can'’t she?

You have been jealous of me

since the day I came out of the womb.

How can I be jealous of you

when you have nothing I want?

Except the president of your college.

I do not want president banning.

I do, however, want the Pearl earrings

which were stolen from my jewelry box this morning.

Are you accusing me of stealing?

I'’m merely saying that they are missing

and you'’re the only one in the house.

I Don'’t know which is worse

you thinking that I would steal your Pearl earrings

or you thinking that I would actually wear them.

Do I look like Sandra day o'’connor?

The stealing'’s a nice touch.

Nothing you wouldn'’t have thought of yourself.

And may I say you look stunning?

Pearls and basic black?

A timeless classic.

I am getting out of here.

I can'’t stand this anymore.

Oh, and I can?

Fine. If you'’re taking the car

drop me at my president'’s house.

I will not!

Fine. Then i'’m taking the car.

Fine. Then drop me

at my younger, better-looking boyfriend'’s house.

Fine. But i'’m not slowing down the car.

[ Both chuckle]

[ Music playing]

Just like you to forget your keys.

[ Music stops]

Both: Hey!

Ever hear the expression

"double your pleasure, double your fun"?

Ever hear the expression

"you'’re in deep doo-doo"?

[ Both groan]

Cool hat. Could you get me one of those?

Uh, no. Where'’s Josh?

He left.

I'’m afraid he'’s upset with me.

You think he knows

we have all these secrets between us?

Oh, you mean, like, that you know i'’m a witch

and I lent you magical skates and now i'’m moonlighting

as a messenger for Mercury?

Yeah, that.

I should probably go talk to him

but i'’ve got to go to rite aid for Apollo.

You know, you'’d think he'’d be able to find

some grecian formula in Greece.

Hey, this whole thing is my fault.

Is there any way at all I can help?

Not unless you can figure out a way

I can be in two places at once.

You'’re a genius, Harvey.

Never see that coming.

Both: I'’m telling you it was his idea!

I'’m innocent!

You shut up! No, you shut up!

Both: You shut up!

Both: You both shut up!

This is scary.

Hello, Sabrina.

What are you doing here?

You know your cloning machine?

Obviously Salem does. I need to borrow it.

Too late.

We just smashed it to smithereens.

This is so not my day.

[ Pager beeps]

Does everyone in the world but me have a beeper?

This actually belongs to Mercury.

Mercury? Didn'’t you used to date him?

Don'’t remind me.

When he took off those sandals

ugh, talk about a mood killer.

I have to do all his work for a month

'’cause I ruined his only pair of skates.

Only pair of skates?

I give you Mercury'’s closet.

Complete with an entire section devoted to skates.

Whoa. How did you know these were here?

You think i'’d date a guy without snooping through his closets?

Hey, my pink pumps.

They look nice with wings.

Sabrina, hilda

what are you doing here?

You picked the wrong witch'’s niece to pick on.

Yeah, you'’re busted, flyboy.

Why did you tell me you only had one pair of skates?

'’cause he'’s a lazy, conniving, pink pump pilferer

who still hasn'’t discovered odor eaters.

I'’ll tell you one thing.

Zeus is going to have a great time punishing you

when he finds out about your little scam.

Yeah.

Hey, there'’s no reason we can'’t keep this

amongst the three of us.

I believe someone here'’s in need of a punishment.

And another desk.

Which I am more than happy

to pay for out of my own pocket.

Good luck skating your way out of this one.

Ha-ha.

Thanks, aunt hilda.

You know, it really helps having aunts

who dated every male life-form in the solar system.

Not every, but we'’re working on it.

I know i'’m not supposed to use my magic to help mortals

but I felt so bad for Harvey

I just couldn'’t stand by and do nothing.

Your heart was in the right place, Sabrina.

I can'’t tell you the number of times

i'’ve wanted to use my finger for the good of all mankind.

[ Doorbell rings]

It'’s Josh.

As you say, honey, got to go.

Josh, i'’m so glad you'’re here.

Are you? Are you sure you wouldn'’t rather be

with someone else like Harvey?

Josh, nothing'’s going on between Harvey and me.

I Don'’t know how many times

I have to tell you that.

I just wish you would trust me.

I want to trust you.

I just feel like you and Harvey

are sharing some sort of secret.

Harvey and I have a history together.

I can'’t erase my past.

But the important thing is you'’re my future.

So you'’re saying there'’s nothing

I have to worry about here?

Not a thing.

I'’m the real Salem saberhagen.

And who am I, Joey Lawrence?

Don'’t worry.

We have an absolutely foolproof method

to determine which Salem will stay with us.

Lucky for me she'’s a scientist.

Hilda?

Eeny meenie minie moe

catch a cloned cat by the toe

if he hollers, let him go

eenie meenie minie moe.

Thank god you picked the right one.

Although, I miss me.

[ Sobbing]