Original subtitles

You'’re perfect.

And I was worried you'’d never meet anybody.

So, who'’s the lucky girl?

This is no girl.

This is a woman...

The lovely and talented Adrienne barbeau

star of the 1982 cinema classic, swamp thing.

This'’ll be a first...

Watching you get rejected by cardboard.

Goodman, you'’re a freak.

To you. To the 1,200 guys I outbid on eBay, i'’m a god.

The most incredible thing happened today.

The secondmost incredible thing.

Don'’t ask. Don'’t tell.

So, what happened?

The campus radio station accepted our proposal.

We got our own show!

Oh, I Don'’t know about this whole radio thing.

We wrote up the proposal for that at the end of last year.

I Don'’t even remember what we proposed.

Well, to quote you, "a groundbreaking mix

"of edgy talk, music and politics

that breaks the mold and shakes up the student Booty."

Ooh. That'’s supposed to be "body."

I hope that'’s not why we got the job.

We are so dead. How are we going to fill up

two hours three nights a week?

Well, we have tons to talk about.

You and I lead very exciting lives.

I spilled a little grape juice on her.

Okay, we'’ve got two days to get reallyexciting lives.

♪ Life'’s changing around me, and i'’m gonna make it mine ♪

♪ i'’m reaching out and living by my rules... ♪

♪ Time'’s moving way too fast ♪

♪ I wanna make it last...

♪ '’cause i'’m out on my own now ♪

♪ and I like the way it feels.

Spellman, how do I look for our first show?

Amazing. I mean, you look great in that top.

Uh, point of order.

You'’re doing a radio show.

You can go to work wearing my clothes.

Ew! ew!

Woman [ Over TV]: Come into the plank.

Drop into cataranga.

Then come into cobra.

Oh! I think i'’m broken.

No pain, no gain. Suck it up, sister.

Remember, to achieve true peace

one must remove oneself from the outer world

and embrace the silence within.

Hilda, stop whimpering.

I didn'’t know I was.

Talk about being out of touch with your body.

[ Dog whimpers]Wait a minute.

That noise isn'’t coming from you.

That'’s coming from out front.

Oh, please let it be a door-to-door chiropractor.

Look! It'’s a dog. Oh...

Oh, it'’s so cute.

Can we keep it? Can we? Can we? Can we?

Oh, hilda, i'’m sure the dog already has an owner.

I Don'’t see one.

I'’m sorry. We absolutely cannot...

Oh...

Let this precious creature perish on the street.

Come on in, poochie.

What a little doggie-woggie.

Come here, come here.

Hello. Hello.

Salem: What is that desperately needy thing

doing on all fours, and when did she get a dog?

Oh, Salem, show a little respect for your new-found...

Brother.

He'’ll rip me to shreds!

He'’ll skin me alive!

Oh-ho, nice doggie.

Aw, look at the two brothers.

Aw... you know what?

I bet they'’d love to share a pot roast.

This could work out after all, bro.

Oh, you are kind of cute.

I wonder what we should call you.

Your worst nightmare.

[ Gasps and yells]

This is so exciting.

Roxie, which microphone do you want?

Do they have one that doesn'’t work?

I just can'’t do this. You'’ll be fine

and even if you make a mistake, nobody'’ll care.

Oh, we'’re on in five, four, three, two...

Hey! Welcome to "chick chat"

with your hosts, Sabrina spellman and...

Hello.

Roxie king. That'’s right.

Roxie king and Sabrina spellman on "chick chat."

You know, get it? We took the "it" out of "chit"

and we substituted it with "ick."

So, roxie, what'’s on your mind?

I Don'’t know.

What'’s on yours?

Well, uh...

You know...

Lots of... stuff

and... um...

Maybe we should, uh, kick things off with some dope jams.

[ Sighs]

Ooh, man, talking on the radio is a lot harder than I thought.

I told you.

Well, we'’ll be fine.

I mean, all we have to do is chill with the trance

and then we'’ll be free-stylin'’.

I downloaded some jargon

off the Internet.

Welcome back to "chick chat."

So I guess we chicks should start chatting.

Maybe we should remind our callers

that our phone lines are still open.

Wide open.

They'’re open.

Um, you know, if you get a busy signal, keep trying.

Can you try a little harder, people?

Or are you so busy hiding in your academic cocoons

that you have absolutely nothing to say?

Look! We got a call! What should we do?

I know! Answer it.

Welcome to "chick chat."

This is roxie.

My name is Angie, and, roxie, you'’re totally right

about the academic cocoon thing.

Sometimes I feel like i'’m so buried in my books

that I have no idea what'’s going on in the world.

What should I do?

Uh...

Ask somebody?

You bring up a good point, Angie.

I mean, when you think about it

who knows more about hell

the guy who reads Dante'’s inferno

or the guy who'’s living in a rat trap in southie?

You'’re absolutely right.

I just think we need to find a balance in our lives.

Right, Sabrina?

My partner agrees.

Okay, next caller.

Talk to us, Adams college.

I'’m telling you, that dog is evil incarnate.

Oh, Salem, you said that about the gardener

the mailman andus.

If he was so evil, would he have brought us popcorn?

The cheesy kind? Our favorite.

I'’m telling you, he'’s a lowlife from the other realm.

He swore he was going to make our lives a nightmare.

So now the evil one talks?

Who'’s a good baby? Who'’s a good baby?

Hey, that'’s a cute name. Let'’s call him baby.

Believe me, i'’m as fed up with women'’s fashion as you are.

We'’re totally pressured by society

to be obsessed with our appearance.

I mean, just tonight, my cohost and I

spent an hour getting ready for a radioshow.

Isn'’t that insane, Sabrina?

Oh, actually, I think the word I would use is... "Insane"

which... I believe, is the word you used. Good word.

Well, that'’s it for today.

Join us again next time

for another hard-hitting edition of "chick chat"!

That was so, so cool!

Were we awesome or what?

Well, I think the word I would use is...

Whatever word you used.

We rocked!

[ Slurping]

[ Sighs]

[ Humming happily]

[ Loud snap][ Salem screams]

Who would be so demented

as to put a mousetrap in my private sanctuary?

Howdy doody.

All right!

Cards on the table.

Why are you here?

Why do you think?

To sponge off those two daffy broads.

That'’s my racket, Mac.

Not for long, pallie.

And the name is Phil.

Say it with me. Phil.

So, what'’s your game plan...

[ Blowing raspberry]: Phhhil?

To get those two broads to give you the boot.

Unless, of course, you want to leave of your own free will.

I can assure you, that is never going to happen.

Now, if you'’ll excuse me, i'’m going outside

to complete some unfinished business.

[ Chuckles softly]

Ow!

Glad I went with the granite.

[ Whimpering]

Of course, you realize this means war.

Freezing her for later?

Mock me if you must, but in a matter of hours

the bodacious Ms. Barbeau has increased in value by 2.9%.

Oh, by the way, great show tonight.

Thanks. I told you we were awesome.

We'’re even scoring with the men-who-love- cardboard crowd.

Good night.

Miles, I know you liked the show, but tell me the truth.

Did I make a fool of myself?

No good could come of my answer.

I stunk. I just couldn'’t think on my feet.

You know, I always thought i'’d be a natural on the radio

but it turns out that roxie'’s the natural.

Well, hey, when it comes to performing, everybody'’s different.

Some people can be spontaneous

and other people, like me, need to organize, prepare

throw up a few times.

Thanks for sharing that, miles.

You'’ll let me know if there'’s anything I can do for you.

Actually, there is. Do you have any bubble wrap?

No.

Hey, I thought we were going to walk over together.

Oh, um, yeah, well, I wanted to get here early

and go over some show ideas.

For today or the whole year?

Well, you know, it never hurts to be prepared.

"Everything you always wanted to know about everything."

Oh, yeah.

There are some amazing facts in here.

I mean, did you know that pirates used to wear earrings

because they thought piercing their ears

would improve their eyesight?

I did not know that.

Okay, we'’re on in five, four, three, two...

Welcome to "chick chat"

with roxie king and me, Sabrina spellman.

I'’ve prepared some interesting

and very neatly arranged topics for tonight

and i'’m only slightly nauseous.

Thanks for the "heads up."

Here'’s a topic.

"Let'’s talk about the skyrocketing cost

"of tuition at Adams college.

"Two years ago, tuition went up

"11%.

"Last year it went up another eight.

"How is this trend going to affect

"the cost of education in the...

Future?"

A numbers game.

Who can afford to play?

Talk to us, Adams.

Oh, see, I knew this would get people thinking.

You'’re on with Sabrina.

Man: On the last show, roxie was talking

about how women are slaves to fashion.

Well, men are victims, too.

I Don'’t have much money to spend on clothes...

Which feeds right into Sabrina'’s tuition issue.

I mean, how can kids afford to buy the hippest stuff

if every penny they spend is on their education?

Any thoughts, Sabrina?

Uh, let me check.

Peer pressure is an enormous problem.

Not just with fashion but with drugs, drinking...

Oh, here'’s something about drinking.

It says here that if you stick your finger in a soda

it goes flat.

How does that relate

to anything

we'’ve been talking about?

I Don'’t know. Let me check.

My fantasy guy... take Tom Cruise'’s eyes, Steve Martin'’s wit

and toss lightly with Brad pitt'’s everything else.

So, who'’s your fantasy woman?

Man: You. You'’re smart and funny

and you'’re not afraid to speak your mind.

I love the "roxie king show."

Sabrina, this is the way talk shows go.

Tonight people just weren'’t interested in your topics.

Well, they didn'’t even give me time to look up stuff in my big book.

Who does a college radio show

with a stack of index cards and a big book?

Oh, so now you'’re the expert...

The person I had to drag kicking and screaming to even do the show.

I didn'’t say I was an expert.

I just think you'’d be better off if you loosened up.

Well, on the first show, I was trying to be spontaneous

and miles thought it'’d be a better idea if I prepared.

Now you'’re saying, "Don'’t prepare; Be spontaneous."

Well, i'’m not listening to either one of you.

If you'’re not going to prepare

and you'’re not going to be spontaneous

what does that leave?

Wouldn'’t you like to know.

Wouldn'’t ilike to know.

We take baby to the south of France

for two weeks, and then shoot over

to Munich for his first oktoberfest.

Hilda: How cute would he look in lederhosen!

Zelda: We'’ll get him one of those caps with the feathers

and then maybe teach him to yodel

and top it off with a big bratwurst dinner.

It'’ll be fabulous.

Salem saberhagen, how could you do that to poor baby?!

How could you be so naive?

This bloated beast is playing you like a violin

while he tries to bump me off.

Don'’t be ridiculous.

All baby wants is a wittle wuv.

[ Groans]

Welcome to chick chat.

I'’m Sabrina spellman, the world'’s worst radio host.

You'’re being kind.

Salem, what are you doing here?

I'’m a nosehair away from being replaced by the hound from hell.

I need a shoulder to cry on.

You picked the wrong shoulder.

I'’m making a fool of myself on the radio

while roxie sits back and wows everybody.

What do you expect? The girl was born with the gift of gab.

What was I born with?

A very thick head.

You'’re a witch.

Of course. If I want the gift of gab

all I have to do is point and zap.

They'’re not saying anything.

Give me a subject, I start gabbing.

Music.

Way too many boy bands.

And please, only one name per rap artist.

Are you puff daddy, puff diddy or puff the magic dragon?

Decide, man.

Movies.

Love '’em. I'’d love them even more if I had eyes.

Got my eye-teeth though.

Had my wisdom teeth removed; Didn'’t feel a thing.

It'’s amazing what'’s going on in dentistry today.

Let me ask you a question.

How would you get revenge on someone

whose mission it was to destroy you?

I'’m just the gift of gab.

"When you'’re desperate to get even

call upon my good friend Steven."

Let me guess. Even Steven?

Well, originally, Stephan

but "effen Stephan" gave people the wrong idea.

Whatever.

Let'’s go do in the dog!

Well, gift of gab, you'’re just what I need

and i'’ve got just what you need.

I'’ll have a half-caf grande cap, dry, with non-fat soy milk.

And for the lady?

Nothing. She learned her lesson after the grape juice incident.

You know, miles, it'’s one thing to keep her in your room

it'’s another to take her out on dates.

Unfortunately, this is our last one.

I just sold her on eBay for a 10.9% profit.

Any moment now, another Adrienne barbeau fanatic

is going to come in here and rip out my heart.

You must be miles.

Yes, and I must be dreaming.

You'’re...

Adrienne barbeau.

That'’s what they tell me.

I'’ve been looking for one of these for years.

Believe me, I would give it to you, but I just sold it.

To me. I was the highest bidder.

I am so sorry.

You must think i'’m just a mercenary

who'’s using you to make money

when, in reality, i'’m your number-one fan.

I worship the swamp you sludge through.

You are so sweet.

We got to move.

We'’re on the air in half an hour.

I'’ve seen everything you'’ve ever done.

There is no one on the planet

who knows more about you than I do.

Here you go got to go.

Wow, Adrienne barbeau!

Or should I say the original Rizzo in grease.

Congrats on the Tony nomination.

Oh, and...

Loved you in the fog and creep show.

Oh, and then there'’s TV.

And then there'’s maude.

What about deep space nine?

I mean, you played a fantastic senator cretak.

Well, thank you. And you are?

Sabrina spellman, sophomore at Adams college founded in 1891...

Oh, I didn'’t know you knew so much about Adrienne.

I Don'’t; I just have the gift of gab. Got to go.

This better not be public television again.

I give and I give and I give...

Yello.

Ohh!

[ Quietly]: Ouch.

Tsk-Tsk. Don'’t you know smoking stunts your growth?

I am good.

Oh, Steven, and ready to get even.

[ Chortles]

See, those frames really go with his coloring.

[ Doorbell rings]

I'’ll get it.

You are going to be the envy of every dog in Bavaria.

Hello.

How do you do?

My name is Steven evenson.

I saw your flyer, and I think you may have my dog.

Well, it certainly looks like him.

Who is it?

The man who owns our baby.

Oh, no!

I'’ve heard about horror stories like this.

Adoptive parents nurture a child

then out of the blue

he'’s snatched from their arms by the birth father

well, guess what, you can'’t have him. Get out!

Hilda, if it really is his dog, we have no right to keep him.

It can'’t be his dog; Baby doesn'’t even recognize him.

Yeah, you'’re right.

Well, maybe it isn'’t him.

I mean, even if it was, he seems happier here.

The truth is, he was just never very comfortable living

in a 42-room mansion with his own valet.

Mansion and a valet?

You'’re welcome to slap a collar around myneck.

Frankly, he was getting a bit lethargic

between all the rich food

at the country club and those luxurious

sails on the yacht.

Big yacht?

Mm, he seems to know you now.

Yes, he does.

Yeah, but painful though it may be

I have to do what'’s best for him.

I'’m leaving the dog with you.

No! Don'’t leave me with these losers.

One'’s dumb as dirt

the other'’s got the personality of a limp noodle.

How dare you talk about us...

You talked!

He does talk.

Salem was right.

He was just using us.

Salem: Giving credence to the old adage:

"Stick with the user you know."

This whole talking animal thing must seem a little odd to you.

Not at all.

My real name is even Steven

and i'’m here to take this slobbering slimeball

to the other realm obedience school.

Please, give me another chance.

Let me spend the rest of my life fetching

for the fetching spellman sisters.

Aww... Aww...

Buh-bye.buh-bye.

Hey, roxie, how you doing? Great to see you.

How '’bout that nippy fall weather out there?

Somebody'’s in a better mood.

Hey, smile and the whole world smiles with you.

Cry and you cry alone.

Everybody loves somebody sometime.

Had a couple of double espressos, did you?

Nope. You'’re looking at your new-and-improved cohost.

We'’re on in five, four, three, two...

Welcome to chick chat

with roxie king and yours truly, Sabrina spellman.

I want to go right to you guys out there.

What'’s on your mind?

Woman: I want to talk about

the proliferation of cell phones.

Man, are they annoying.

Not to me. There'’s nothing I like more

than gabbing on the mobile horn.

Speaking of horns, whatever happened to Kenny g?

And what does that "g" stand for?

I know it doesn'’t stand for "general audiences."

What'’s a general audience, anyway?

Eisenhower, schwarzkopf, patton?

Next topic.

Mental health. Specifically, yours.

Oh, never been better, which is great

because if you haven'’t got your health...

And in that, I include dental... What have you got?

You'’re speaking with Sabrina.

Man: 1 am really sick of the food in the cafeteria.

Do you know any good Japanese restaurants?

Japanese?

Asoko wa yap'’pari iilnaa

sakana shinsen De

min-na mo iiyatsu jalnaa.

Could you say that in English, please?

There'’s a simply marvelous place downtown

where the fish is tip-top.

Hey, if I wanted to get ridiculed

I would have called my mother.

Great topic... mothers and sons, very complex relationships

from oedipusto Macbeth to my mother the car.

Speaking of cars, have you seen

the new gas-electric hybrids? They'’re to die for.

To die for... great movie.

Did you know Nicole Kidman'’s from Australia?

Did you know that'’s where the duck-billed platypus is from?

By the way, did you know the duck-billed platypus

is the only mammal that can lay an egg?

Besides the mammal that'’s laying one right now.

So, i'’m not very good at this.

Let'’s go to a musical break.

Good idea.

Sabrina...

What do you think you'’re doing?

Trying to be something i'’m not.

Most things come really easy to me

but I am not cut out to be on the radio

and nothing I can do can magically change that.

Granted, the surreal Japanese interlude

might have been a mistake.

No, the mistake was thinking because i'’m a decent writer

i'’d be good on the radio.

But you'’re great at this

so i'’m not going to get in your way anymore.

Sabrina, this show is half yours.

I Don'’t want to take it away from you.

You Don'’t have to.

Welcome back to chick chat.

This is Sabrina, and due to circumstances

way beyond my control, this will be my last show.

I know, I know. "What took me so long?"

Well, now it is my pleasure

to leave you in the capable hands

of the very talented and witty roxie king.

You'’re on with roxie.

Talk to me, Adams.

Mmm-mmm! Nicely done, zellie.

The short ribs were only enhanced

by your five-star Sauerkraut.

That'’s meager compensation

for the shabby way we treated you.

Next up, lemon sorbet, followed by a rump roast.

Life is sweet.

Oh, hilda'’s going to be hard pressed

to top your generosity.

Coming through!

Coming through.

Okay, Salem, meet your new one-stop elimination station.

Oh, i'’m so happy I could...

I think I will.

[ Humming happy tune]

[ Grunting]