Original subtitles

Well, how did my Halloween Taffy turn out this year?

Too gooey, too garlicky

and way too much unicorn.

You'’re turning into mother.

Speaking of bipolar control freaks

have you two given any thought to your Halloween plans?

If not...

Oh, please. They send me this flyer every year.

It'’s a Halloween mystery train

that makes a special stop in Boston.

Hey, this actually looks like fun, zel.

I think it would be a hoot

to ride a train and solve a murder.

No, thanks.

I'’m looking forward to a nice, quiet Halloween

reading, watching a little television

you and your cat go.

Have a nice time.

Me and hildalicious will be the talk of the snack car.

On second thought

an evening of excruciating boredom is exactly what I need.

These are awful.

Salem, any thoughts

on what I should go as for Halloween?

Off the top of my head, hmm...

Fashion victim?

Huh-huh-huh.

The only thing lamer than that joke

are my plans for Halloween.

The only invitation I was able to wangle

is for a dumb dance

sponsored by the school of dentistry.

Lots of good candy there.

Hmm...

Ugh!

Why does aunt Zelda always go so heavy

on the unicorn?

Well, now, if you Don'’t want

your Halloween to be lame

take a ride on the mystery train.

"For fabulous food and sophisticated fun

this mystery train is number one."

Salem, this is perfect.

Pick me up at 7:00 and I get the window seat.

Sorry, but I really wanted to spend Halloween with my friends.

You understand, Don'’t you?

I had my heart set on riding the rails.

Well, there'’s no reason you can'’t do that.

[ Chiming]

Whee!

♪ Life'’s changing around me, and i'’m gonna make it mine ♪

♪ i'’m reaching out and living by my rules... ♪

♪ Time'’s moving way too fast ♪

♪ I wanna make it last...

♪ '’cause i'’m out on my own now ♪

♪ and I like the way it feels.

Once again I am your Halloween savior.

Thanks to me

we'’re no longer stuck dancing with dental students.

Oh, I wasn'’t going, anyway.

No way. Me, either.

Well, I am offering you a ride on a Halloween mystery train.

Is that one of those totally pathetic whodunits?

Where everyone has to play a stupid character?

And solve a fake, idiotic murder?

That any moron could figure out?

Exactly.

Whoo-hoo! We'’re going on a mystery train!

Oh, come on, Josh.

Tell everybody why this is going to be so great.

Okay, right after you tell me.

You mean you Don'’t want to go either?

Not really.

Sabrina, i'’ve never been that into Halloween.

To be honest, it'’s always kind of bugged me

that it'’s such a big deal to you.

Well, it'’s a big deal to me

because I happen to be a wi... wittle upset

because I paid for these tickets in advance.

Well i'’m a "wittle" upset

because I like to be asked ahead of time

before someone makes plans for me.

I just thought this would be fun

and I thought you guys would think so, too.

Especially you, Josh.

Fine.

I guess a little train ride won'’t kill us.

[ All groan]

Yeah! That'’s exactly the kind of enthusiasm i'’m looking for.

Ooh, good thing you paid in advance.

We'’ll be lucky to find a seat.

Well, I think we should feel lucky

that we got our own private car.

With a different stain on every seat.

It'’s so cold in here

my beard is sprouting icicles.

That'’s why I told everyone to wear coats and gloves.

But the pressure will do us good.

Comingled with the 47 known carcinogens in diesel smoke?

Okay, there is now an official moratorium on whining.

Welcome aboard the Halloween mystery train

where murder is our business, and our business is murder.

They make me say that.

So, let'’s get the festivities rolling

with your complimentary

cocktail and appetizer.

Peanuts and a juice box?

Oh, great.

And I didn'’t even get the freaking juice box.

You want a juice box?

I'’ll give you a juice box.

Here, take mine.

Oh, ugh, sorry.

A little Taffy emergency.

I'’ve got to go De-goo.

So, listen up, mystery lovers.

Here are the parts that you will be playing.

Please, read them.

And as we say at the Stella adler academy, "become them."

If i'’m lucky, I get thrown from the train in the first act.

Trade you.

Conductor: All aboard!

The other realm express is now leaving the station.

[ Whistle blowing]Other realm express?

Oh, no! I got to get everybody off this thing before...

[ '’20s music playing]

something like this happens.

It'’s been years since i'’ve watched

the giant pumpkin drop in the other realm Times Square.

I can'’t wait.

Winos and tourists splattered with pumpkin guts.

Have I mentioned how bored I am?

You wouldn'’t be bored if you'’d taken

that murder mystery train like I told you.

Maybe i'’ll morph myself into a college student

and join Sabrina at that dental party.

I could use a dentist after all that Taffy.

The joke'’s on you.

Sabrina had the perspicacity

to heed my advice and take her friends

on the aforementioned traino mysterioso.

Friends?

Salem, that'’s an other realm train.

Oops.

Looks like there'’s going to be a murder

around here, but this one won'’t be a mystery.

[ Whistle blowing]

There'’s been a big mistake!

There are mortals on board!

You'’ve got to stop this train right away!

Sorry, miss, there'’s only one way to stop this train.

What'’s that?

You, dear girl, have to solve the mystery.

Me? You are the detective in this play.

Since you'’ve already paid for the costume

you might as well look the part.

Ooh, London fog.

Allow me to introduce you to your cast of characters.

May I present the countess admira.

Delighted.

I find modern travel so exhilarating, Don'’t you?

Her maid, hortense.

Charmed, i'’m sure.

Professor augustine Von claptrap.

Bitte, fraulein.

And, of course...

Biff buffington, international tennis star.

A real pleasure.

At least I know it is for you.

Where'’s Josh?

Oh, you mean world-renowned photographer kip Kodak.

Yes, well, unfortunately, he'’s been the victim of a...

Murder.

Oh!

[ Laughing]

Murder?!

Murder!

Great.

Something else for me to clean up.

Oh, no, he really is dead!

And the game begins.

All you have to do is figure out

which one of our passengers killed kip Kodak.

I'’m not very good at solving murders.

I-I even stink at "clue."

The first question you want to ask yourself is

what was the motive?

I just wanted to give my friends a nice Halloween.

Oh, you mean, the murderer'’s motive.

Would you please stop worrying?

Sabrina is a smart girl.

I'’m sure she'’ll have this mystery solved in no time.

What are you talking about?

Even I beat her at "clue."

Well, why Don'’t we grab a crystal ball

and go check up on her?

Good idea.

I'’ve got one in my hope chest.

What? I use it for traffic reports.

[ Whistle blowing]

Now, countess, tell me what you know about the murder.

Murder, murder, murder.

Everyone is so preoccupied with murder.

What you should be focused on is what happened to my ring.

The hundred-carat star of paramus is missing.

Missing hunk of pure carbon, untimely death of my boyfriend!

Whatever.

Now, tell me your relationship to the deceased.

I had none.

I'’d never met the man in my life.

"Never met the man..."

All right, you dragged it out of me!

We were in love!

I was mad about the boy desperately

passionately

but he ended it horribly, cruelly

and I vowed that some way, somehow, I would get my revenge!

But then I got over it and we became friends.

So, you see, I really have

no motive for killing him.

Nope. None whatsoever.

So, you actually work for the countess?

I know where you'’re going with this.

Do I? You think i'’m the murderer, Don'’t you?

You think I killed him so that I could frame the countess.

That way, I would be free of that cruel, self-centered pain

in my patoot forever.

So, you killed kip Kodak to frame the countess.

Do you think i'’d tell you if I did?

Yeah. But then i'’m kind of new at this.

Oh, ja, i knew him.

We veren'’t, as you say, "buds"

but he was a nice enough kind of guy

if you like zat kind of guy.

And what kind of guy is dat?

I mean, that.

Oh, you know, ze kind who always gets ze girl.

Ze kind women prefer over quirky and unique.

Ze kind that makes a guy like me blend into the wallpaper!

Schnitzel! I seem to have snapped my pipe.

Anyway, as I was saying

I really had no motive whatsoever.

You'’re probably quite intimidated talking

to an international tennis star like myself.

Yeah, very. So, um, tell me what you know about the murder.

Let'’s stop this charade.

You want me.

And to be perfectly honest, i'’m okay with that.

Well, I have a problem with guys

who use the word "charade."

Especially ones that use it that use it

while my boyfriend'’s lying dead in the other room.

All right, i'’ll come clean.

I used to be in love with a woman...

A wonderful, magical woman...

and that scoundrel stole her from me!

And that made you angry?

Furious!

Why would she pick that second-rate shutterbug

over biff buffington, international tennis star?

As you can see, I put it behind me.

Let me guess. You have no motive whatsoever.

It'’s nice to have you in my court.

Well, what have you come up with so far?

First, your play involves a lot of ham acting.

Second, I have no idea who killed kip.

Might I suggest you find out?

Just for conversation'’s sake, what happens if I Don'’t?

Unless you solve this case, you and your mortal friends

will be trapped on this train forever.

No!

No!

Hilda, I think we'’ve got ourselves a train to catch.

All aboard!

This is insane.

We can'’t just go soaring through the cosmos forever.

I'’m sorry... rules are rules.

Besides, everything you need to solve this case

is right in front of you.

Right in front of me, where?

[ Gasps]

Look!

He still has the juice box I gave him

and it'’s unopened, which means

he was killed right after I left him.

[ Gasps]

The countess'’s missing diamond!

Splendid. He found it.

If he weren'’t dead, i'’d buy him something.

No matter.

I still have the secaucus sapphire.

An old sweaty tennis towel with the initials b.B.

Do they stand for Betty boop

bugs bunny or...

Biff buffington?

I knew it had to be you!

You'’re just the sort of guy.

Sort of guy?!

What exactly is that supposed to mean?

If anybody'’s guilty here, it'’s her.

I knew it!

[ Clamoring]

Finally, i'’m having a positive impact.

They'’re turning on each other.

Please tell me we'’re in the right place this time.

Is it my fault the space shuttle

looks exactly like the mystery train?

Do you think I should have given that cosmonaut my number?

So cute.

According to this schedule

the train should have left Boston two hours ago.

Should be here any minute.

[ Train approaching]

There it is now.

But it'’s not stopping!

What should we do?

Jump!

That was close.

Hey, my outfit'’s getting all dirty.

Yeah, well, my caboose is on fire!

[ Arguing]

People, people!

Please, work with me here, okay?

The sooner we figure this out

the sooner we can get off this train.

So, in the interest of time

what say the murderer just raises his or her hand?

Don'’t be shy.

Anybody.

Anybody at all.

Biff?

You can'’t honestly expect me

to admit to a crime I didn'’t commit.

I am a man of honor, integrity

and amazing bone structure.

Whose towel was wrapped around the victim'’s neck?

I had absolutely no motive whatsoever.

Nor did I.

Well, I didn'’t have any...

And I am officially the world'’s worst detective.

[ Thud]

A murder.

Murder?!

Murder!

Great. Something else for me to clean up.

There'’s been another murder?

Uh-uh-uh. Same murder.

And until you solve it

we'’re all destined to keep

replaying the same scene over and over

and the longer you take

the longer I have to wear these slacks.

Aah!

Well, well, well. Huh.

You never know what kind of riffraff

you'’re going to come across riding the rails.

Back off, grandpa!

Salem, Don'’t be rude.

Who'’s being rude?

He really is my grandpa.

Thanks for the birthday card.

No problem.

How'’s your mom?

I hate to break up this family reunion

but we'’re looking for the mystery train.

You'’re on it.

But you want the parlor car.

Grandma tells people he was lost at sea.

Now I understand why people Don'’t take the train anymore.

Tunnel! [ Train whistle blowing]

So, let'’s go through what we know so far.

I left the cabin and kip was alive.

I came back, and kip was dead.

That'’s about it.

Oh, Sabrina, there you are.

Oh, aunt hilda, aunt Zelda

thank goodness you'’re here!

I didn'’t know this was an other realm train

and now Josh is dead and I have to...

Did somebody shoot you guys out of a Cannon?

[ Chiming]

Sabrina, there'’s no need to fear.

Your aunties are here.

Will there be two more for dinner?

Oh, no. We'’re just passing through.

Oh, too bad.

Yowzer.

I wouldn'’t mind spending eternity on this train.

Hello? Did you see the way he looked at me?

Okay, I have a plan.

First, i'’m going to interrogate the steward.

Hey, that was myplan.

And this plan helps me, how?

He knows who the murderer is.

Trust me, we'’ll have it out of him in ten minutes, tops.

Five, if he'’s ticklish.

And if that doesn'’t work

you always have me to solve the crime.

At least, you would, if I had the appropriate attire.

Mm, say, good show, old girl.

Now, then, what say we have

a look at the corpse, shall we?

This body is simply rife with clues.

What, pray tell, have you been doing for the last few hours?

Hey, I found the diamond and the tennis towel.

Hmm, those items, combined with this feather I found

should tell us everything we need to know.

I can'’t believe I missed this.

In your defense, it was lodged

fairly deep into his nasal passage.

Ugh!

I believe we only have

one thing left to do: Dust the body.

For fingerprints?

No. It'’s filthy.

[ Train whistle blowing]

When is it my turn to interrogate him?

Hilda, I told you, we'’re giving him the old

"good witch/bad witch" routine.

Oh, right.

Which one am I again?

This one was a bit dodgy, all right

but I think we came up cricket.

Do you even know what that means?

Haven'’t the foggiest.

Buti do know which one of youis the murderer!

It all began to make sense

when I learned of the countess'’s missing diamond.

Sabrina was out of the room

so the countess knew she only had seconds to make her move.

Counting on their prior relationship

and kip'’s impeccable manners, she offered her hand.

She also knew that the prong on her ring was loose

and her plan worked perfectly.

Kip started to choke on the stone.

I knew it!

Countess admira is the murderer.

No, i'’m not!

But she would have been

if hortense hadn'’t stepped in.

A former raf nurse

her instincts got the better of her

but she had a plan of her own.

She knew that kip was highly allergic to emu feathers

and that prolonged exposure could kill him.

I knew it!

Hortense is the murderer.

No, i'’m not.

But she might have been

if it weren'’t for an involuntary muscle contraction.

Kip sneezed... Violently, I would imagine...

And dislodged all but one of the feathers from his nostrils.

However, biff buffington seized upon the opportunity

like only an international tennis star could.

He offered kip one of his towels...

To wipe his nose, or to strangle him?

How couldyou?!

I didn'’t.

He'’s right, you know.

He didn'’t.

Cut to the chase, Sherlock.

We'’re running out of suspects.

Which brings me to my most interesting piece of evidence:

The dust on the body.

It wasn'’t dust at all... But pipe smoke.

That means nothing.

You also smoke a pipe.

Yes, but mine only blows bubbles.

Once kip had recovered

the professor came up behind him and offered kip his pipe

containing tobacco, a substance which

according to the entire western medical community

kills eventually.

But kip doesn'’t smoke.

Exactly.

Which is why the professor

is definitely not the murderer.

So, none of them is the murderer?

I thought you said you solved the crime.

I have.

The murder was committed by someone

who had both motive and means.

Someone who had a working knowledge of poison.

Someone who knew that in large quantities

essence of unicorn is fatal to mortals.

Ugh. Ugh.

Why does aunt Zelda always go so heavy on the unicorn?

Salem: Someone who seized the opportunity

and went to great lengths

to make sure she covered her tracks.

That'’s why I told everyone to wear coats and gloves.

Someone who knew that the poison need not be ingested

but can easily be absorbed through the skin

and placed it on something as innocuous as a juice box.

You'’re talking crazy, cat.

The murderer!

Murderer!

The dame who bumped him off.

Why are you all accusing me?

I didn'’t do it, I swear!

I-I didn'’t even have a motive.

Oh, no?

Isn'’t it true that you'’re angry with Josh

for not supporting you

in your ever more manic quest for the perfect Halloween?

Could you have been

so resentful of his pouty attitude and sarcasm

that the rage built up in you and you...

Yes, it'’s true!

It'’s true!

I'’m the murderer!

I killed Josh!

Wow, I totally didn'’t see that one coming.

[ Gasping and choking]

Sabrina'’s the murderer.

Good work, sister.

Let'’s go.

Oh, here'’s your gum.

Sabrina, we know who the murderer is!

It'’s you.

So i'’ve heard.

So what happens to me now?

Well... ahem.

Now that you'’ve solved the murder

you'’re free to go.

Really?

Mm-hmm. wow, this is great.

You know, you sure throw a nice homicide.

But how did you know about aunt Zelda'’s Taffy

and that I was mad at Josh?

Murder'’s our business, and our business is murder.

Next stop, Boston!

[ Train whistle blowing]

Wow.

He really does murder right.

Whoa, I Don'’t remember much

but this Halloween was exhausting.

I'’m so dead.

No, you'’re not... You'’re alive again.

Again?

Look, Josh, I want to talk to you

about this whole Halloween thing.

It may not be an important holiday for you

but it is for me

and I was hurt that you weren'’t more supportive.

I mean, I supported you when...

When I was going to move to Prague

when I got a job on the paper

and with pretty much everything i'’ve done

since you'’ve known me.

I'’m sorry, Sabrina.

Sabrina... I seem to have misplaced

a few hours of my life.

Was this a bewitching kind of evening?

It was for me, and I know it was for you

or should I say "biff buffington"?

Say me.