Original subtitles

Done cleansing mind and spirit

but the body could use a little detailing.

Miles: What attracts you to a man?

Definitely not this.

Miles, what are you doing?

Pursuing the woman of my dreams.

Pursuing... stalking... It'’s a fine line.

Not you. Mary quizzenberry.

She'’s in my film class and I love her

and she might love me if I ever actually spoke to her.

So i'’m making a documentary to learn about

what women find attractive in a man.

Miles, you Don'’t have to do that.

You know how to handle yourself around a woman.

When I tried to introduce myself

my palms were so sweaty

I inadvertently spilled fresca down her sports bra.

Roll camera.

What attracts you to a man?

First off, good hygiene.

A man'’s got to know his way around a q-tip.

Cotton swabs, check. But what else?

He'’s got to be funny and nice and smart

and sexy and he'’s got to have a killer smile.

Reality check: That guy does not exist.

Oh, i'’m pretty sure he'’s out there somewhere.

Good night, miles.

Good night, Sabrina.

I'’ve already learned one thing.

Chicks dig a guy with a camera.

♪ Life'’s changing around me, and i'’m gonna make it mine ♪

♪ i'’m reaching out and living by my rules... ♪

♪ Time'’s moving way too fast ♪

♪ I wanna make it last...

♪ '’cause i'’m out on my own now ♪

♪ and I like the way it feels.

I'’ve scoured the listings

for every photography- related job

in a 20-mile radius, redid Josh'’s resume

and as a fallback, got him an interview

with the sears family photo department.

Start sewing name tags in his underwear

and you'’re officially his mother.

Roxie, when Josh didn'’t go to Prague

and stayed in Boston for me

it was a supreme romantic gesture.

You'’re right.

He could have just tattooed your name on his butt.

Yet, his staying has an enormous backside...

Downside.

Eventually, he'’s going to realize

that he didn'’t follow his dreams

and he'’s stuck here in coffee hell.

Tormented and miserable

and resenting your very existence.

I hadn'’t gone there yet

but thanks for the added guilt.

Now i'’ve really got to make sure

that Josh has the perfect job.

Josh already has a job.

And I heard that hell remark, missy.

She'’s just a little nervous

about having to run the place without him.

Oh, yeah, petrified.

There are tons of jobs for photojournalists.

Almost as many as there are for rock stars and cowboys.

Guess what. I just got a job as a photojournalist.

Really? I'’m ruined!

You are looking at the new city desk photographer

for the Boston citizen. Huh?

Oh, that'’s fantastic!

That'’s great news.

For you, too.

I just walked in there and refused to leave

until somebody looked at my portfolio.

Mike Shelby said I had a journalist'’s instincts

and a great eye...

Mike Shelby?

The two-time pulitzer prize- winning reporter

and editor of the citizen?

Yeah, he'’s...

Crusader for the people

who helped clean Boston harbor.

Yeah, and he'’s the one who...

Successfully fought to preserve Indian gaming.

Yes. He'’s my new boss.

I love him!

Yeah, I got that.

Oh, i'’m so proud of you!

Well, i'’m going to take you out

for a big celebration dinner.

Sounds great.

But first we got to stop by the paper

so I can show you my new office.

You have your own office?

Actually, it'’s more like my own cubby.

This is so cute.

All it needs is a little personal touch.

Surprise. It was either this

or those little clicky balls that go back and forth.

Thank you. This is so...

When did we take this picture?

Oh, I can'’t believe you'’re actually going

to be working here.

I know. And the rest of the time

I get to be out in the field on assignment.

This is so exciting.

Maybe in a few years we'’ll be able to work

on the paper together.

You know, me a reporter, you a...

Josh, these mugs are magnificent.

I Don'’t know when i'’ve seen a peck of more perfect pics.

Hey, blondie, you playing or you talking?

Both. Deal me in, blackie.

I got to write a new lead story to go with these.

Stop the presses!

God, I love saying that.

Copy!

Breenie, this is brilliant.

Tell me something I Don'’t know.

Excuse me.

Can'’t you see we'’re working here

or Don'’t you recognize a newsroom when you see one?

Uh, Sabrina, this is my boss, Mike Shelby.

Oh, I am so sorry.

I was just having a newsroom fantasy.

I used to have '’em all the time.

Except in mine I make a lot more money

and I look like Robert redford.

You know, i'’ve read everything you'’ve ever written.

So you'’re the one who'’s been going through my trash.

Listen, as long as you'’re here

would you mind sticking around?

There'’s been some activity on the police scanner.

That'’d be incredible.

Oh, you'’re probably talking to Josh, huh?

Wow, that would be fantastic.

Sabrina, I know we had plans...

To listen to a police scanner

but you'’ve got one here so you'’re all set.

All right, see you later.

Or you could stick around here

if you Don'’t mind listening to sirens

and eating bean burritos with the boys.

Bring on the beans and bring on the boys.

[ Garbled radio transmission]

So, long story short

I find myself sitting in a foxhole in Kuwait

with wolf blitzer, morley safer and Jenny McCarthy.

[ Both laugh]

I Don'’t know about the troops

but we were certainly entertained.

Yeah, but nothing tops the three-legged race

at camp David with Henry kissinger.

Oh, yeah, we beat the pants off mandela and tutu.

Mike, this is amazing.

I could listen to your stories all night.

Yeah, and I think we just did.

It'’s 7:00 A.M.

I got to go to class.

Bye. I got to go to work.

That was an easy commute. I love this job.

Hmm, what attracts me to a man?

Well, first and foremost his intellect.

And barring that, buns of steel.

Let'’s get back to intellect.

So far, my knowledge of advanced astrophysics

has not exactly been a hit with the ladies.

Really?

Well, it must be in your presentation.

Miles, women like a man who is strong

confident and self-assured.

You'’ve got to walk into a room

take charge and knock them out

with your masculine charisma.

I'’m all over it, chicky baby.

Good luck.

And miles, work on the tush.

Sabrina, it'’s 4:00.

Are you still waiting for Josh?

Yeah, ever since he took this new job

he'’s having trouble breaking away from the office.

But you know, i'’m sure

this picnic lunch will be perfectly good tomorrow.

As long as Josh doesn'’t mind

his salmon salad be salmonella salad.

I really admire your positive attitude.

It'’s tough on a relationship

when one person has to work long hours.

Tell me about it.

But this job is perfect for Josh.

I'’m totally happy for him.

I would just be happier

if I occasionally got to see him.

Oh, you will.

Josh is just paying his dues.

I remember when I got my first job

interning for Leonardo da Vinci.

I was on call 24 hours a day.

And my boyfriend, a sailor, couldn'’t stand it

and demanded that I quit.

So did you quit?

Hello? Da Vinci? Mega-genius?

I sent lover boy packing.

Eventually, he discovered america

so it worked out for both of us.

So, I just got to keep being supportive?

And i'’ve just got to be off.

I know you Don'’t want any "aunts" spoiling your picnic.

Get it? Got it. Go.

I'’m so sorry.

I was almost out the door

when Mike grabbed me to go to lunch.

Oh, no problem.

Sabrina, Mike'’s doing a story on the mayor

and he wants me to go over there right now

and shoot the picture. This is really huge.

Bigger than huge.

I hate to do this to you again.

Oh, it'’s okay.

We'’ll be together tomorrow night at the concert.

Concert?

Remember? Dave Matthews?

Morgan'’s new boyfriend got us the tickets?

I Don'’t care about Dave Matthews.

I'’ll be there to see you.

Then I better start rehearsing.

Hey, Mike, i'’ll see you later.

I'’m going to meet Sabrina for the concert.

At least one of us will be having a good time.

Something wrong?

I just had a big fight with my wife.

Oh, i'’m sorry.

Oh, Don'’t worry about me.

I'’ll find a way to pull it together somehow.

You go. Go, have fun.

No, it'’s okay.

I totally understand if you have to work.

Well, that'’s just it.

When i'’m working, it'’s great.

Now, i'’m just sitting around

listening to Mike talk.

First it was about his wife.

Now he'’s telling the Jenny McCarthy in the foxhole story

for the fifth time this week.

I'’m beginning to think

this guy just can'’t stand to be alone.

You have to look at the upside, Josh.

One of the most important editors in the country

considers you his confidant.

I know. You'’re right.

Look, i'’ll get out of here as quickly as I can.

At the very least i'’ll still meet you

at the restaurant afterwards.

I want to make sure

you remember who your boyfriend is.

Like I could ever forget that.

[ Doorbell rings]

See you later.

Harvey?

Sabrina? What are you doing here?

I live here. What are you doing here?

Harvey!

Hey.

Well, that answers that question.

Morgan, I had no idea

you and Sabrina were roommates.

Oh, do you two know each other?

You could say that.

We sort of dated... A lot.

Oh, thatharvey.

And the evening takes a disastrous turn.

Don'’t worry. Now we'’re just friends.

I broke up with Sabrina when I found out she was...

Harvey, what do you think you'’re doing?

I wasn'’t going to tell her you'’re a witch.

I was just going to say that we broke up

when we found out we were going to different schools.

Give me a little credit.

Sorry.

So what'’s the deal with you and Morgan?

No deal. Met her at a fraternity party

we'’ve gone out a couple times

and we will be going to the Dave Matthews concert

just as soon as you wiggle your finger.

I broke up with Sabrina when I found out

she and I were going to different colleges.

Oh, whew!

I'’d hate to think I picked up something

out of the spellman reject pile.

I like a guy who'’s a little bit dangerous.

Really?

I'’ve never told this to anyone

but sometimes I like to drive around

with only a quarter tank of gas.

Miles, there'’s nothing I can say

that'’s going to make you more attractive to women.

Still no Josh.

You have one inattentive boyfriend, spellman.

He has a very important job

and i'’m totally on board with that.

Believe me, as soon as Mike can spare him

Josh will be here.

Josh hasn'’t spent one moment with you

since he got this job.

If you keep being so "on board"

you'’re going to rationalize your way out of a relationship.

No, i'’m not.

And if we'’re not together tonight

we'’ll be together tomorrow night.

I'’d rather have Josh be successful at his job

than jeopardize it over a whiny girlfriend.

There'’s nothing wrong with being whiny.

Or shrill.

Hey, Sabrina.

Harvey?

Yeah, Morgan'’s new boyfriend.

Mike?

Josh'’s new boyfriend.

Mike, this is Harvey and Morgan.

Hey, all.

I want to thank you

for letting me borrow your boyfriend.

But I wanted to make sure he didn'’t miss dinner, too.

Well, thanks for getting him here safe.

Of course, he insisted I join you, so...

There'’s always tomorrow night.

Yeah. See, my wife called

and said I Don'’t spend enough time at home.

Something about her "needs," bla-bla-bla.

Long story short, she threw me out.

But Josh here was kind enough to offer me his couch

for as long as I need it.

Oh, that is so sweet

that you would rather stay at Josh'’s place than a hotel

which you can obviously afford.

That'’s the kind of guy I am. I'’m a people person.

I propose a toast.

To Mike and Josh.

Come on, Sabrina. Get on board.

So, Mike'’s moving in with you.

He caught me off guard, okay?

As soon as we'’re done here

i'’m telling him he can'’t stay with me.

More importantly, i'’m quitting.

This is way over the line.

It isn'’t fair for me and it isn'’t fair for you.

You can'’t quit, especially because of me.

Let'’s not get into this right now, with everybody here.

Oh, Don'’t worry about them.

They'’ve got other things on their mind.

Yo, what'’s with the salt?

'’cause I love salt.

Me, too.

Salt scrubs, salt peels, salt lake city.

Hey, did you know that salt

is the most important compound

in the human body after water?

My whole reason for staying in Boston was to be with you

and with Mike hogging my sofa, that'’s not going to happen.

Josh, I feel guilty enough that you gave up Prague for me.

Just Don'’t do anything rash, okay?

Somehow this will all work out.

How?

I'’ll think of something.

I just haven'’t put my finger on it yet.

Salem: Sabrina, it'’s obvious.

Mike is spending so much time with Josh

because his home life is miserable.

You'’re right.

I'’ve just got to find a spell

to get Mike and his wife back together.

Look at this.

An "I got you, babe" spell.

Perfect.

They'’ve got to be kidding.

Roll with it, gypsy woman!

The beat goes on.

This one goes out to Mike and Mike'’s wife.

♪ They say we'’re young and we Don'’t know ♪

♪ we won'’t find out until we grow ♪

♪ well, I Don'’t know if all that'’s true ♪

♪ '’cause you got me, and baby ♪

♪ I got you

♪ babe

♪ I got you, babe...

All right, here you go.

I'’ll see you in the morning.

Whoa, you'’re not going to bed already, are you?

Apparently not.

[ Phone rings]

Please be a telemarketer.

Hello?

Uh, yeah.

Hey, it'’s your wife, Janine.

Yeah, well, you tell that miserable, nagging shrew...

♪ Babe... ♪

That I Cherish her with all my heart

and my love for her is eternal.

Uh, okay.

Better yet, let me tell her.

Do you mind?

Maybe Sabrina was right.

This really will work out.

[ "I got you, babe" playing]

It'’s 3:00 in the morning.

Who'’s playing Sonny and Cher?

Hey!

Now, your sister claims that a man

should be confident and self-assured

and wow the women with his masculine charisma.

Have you seen the eurotrash she goes out with?

No woman with an ounce of self-respect

would fall for that.

A man needs to be aloof, insensitive.

If you want to get a woman'’s attention, ignore her.

My frontal lobe is beginning to throb.

That'’s because you'’re paying

way too much attention to what i'’m saying.

Ignore me, scorn me, and then i'’ll be yours forever.

Hey, I had a feeling i'’d be seeing you today.

Let me guess... you'’re finally

going to whisk me away to that picnic in the park?

Mike and his wife got back together.

I know... I mean, i'’m shocked!

No, here'’s the shocker.

Now she'’s hanging around the office

and they'’re screaming and yelling

and putting me in the middle.

Now I really am shocked.

Would you excuse me a moment?

Um, I got to help aunt hilda with this big coffee order.

She tends to cap when she should frap.

Aunt hilda, you got to help me.

I put an "i'’ve got you, babe" spell

on Josh'’s boss and his wife

and it just made things worse.

Duh... that spell only works

if they'’re both willing to put their stubbornness aside

and admit that they love each other.

Well, if they could do that

then I wouldn'’t have needed the spell.

Double duh.

If I could fix relationships with a spell

i'’d still be with Alexander the great.

He really was great.

Maybe it'’s not Mike'’s marriage that'’s the problem.

Maybe it'’s just Mike.

The guy needs to get a life.

You'’re in luck.

Here'’s a "get a life" spell

guaranteed to give the recipient a meaningful existence

and help him reform his priorities.

And now it comes in a tasty cereal form.

But what if he doesn'’t like it?

He likes it.

Hey, Mikey, let me have some.

Too late.

It'’s all gone.

You know what?

I think i'’m going to go outside for a while

take the rest of the afternoon off

do me some living.

Hey, Sabrina, great news.

Mike just took the afternoon off.

Any chance you can get away for a little while?

Oh, I think I can manage it.

Surprise!

Unfortunately, i'’ve got one for you, too.

Hey, it'’s the girlfriend, and she'’s come bearing gifts.

I love this kid.

I'’m running out of spells, here, buddy.

Mike, um, i'’m surprised to see you here today.

It seems like such a perfect day

to refocus one'’s priorities.

A little while ago

I was sitting in the park, smelling the roses

and then it hit me... I Don'’t need to get a life.

I'’ve already got one: The newspaper.

Doh, I should have seen that coming.

You know, when I got married

I told my wife, "work comes first."

It'’s my one true passion.

I'’m a newspaper man, just like Josh, here.

Look, Mike, i'’m not like you at all, all right?

When i'’m not on the clock

and there'’s nothing going on, i'’m out of here.

If you need me, then page me

but it better be to take a picture.

Listen, kid, with that kind of attitude...

I'’ll probably be very happy, all right?

If you Don'’t like it, then fire me

'’cause this is one newspaper man who'’s going to get a life.

Have you been eating Mikey'’s cereal?

Sabrina, that picnic was so worth waiting for.

I'’d rather lie on a blanket with you any day

than watch Mike pick black beans out of his teeth.

Aw, that'’s the sweetest thing anyone'’s ever said to me.

I'’m going to go down to the paper and clean out my cubby.

Josh, i'’m so sorry about your job.

Hey, Don'’t worry about it, all right?

There'’ll be other jobs.

The most important thing is that I have you.

You'’ve been so great through all this.

I mean, even when everything got totally crazy

you just stayed calm and didn'’t try to interfere.

That'’s just the kind of person I am.

Thanks, Sabrina, you'’re always there for me.

And i'’ll continue to be there.

Well, first I got to straighten out Mike

then I got to get someone in here

to straighten out Josh'’s cubby.

What are you doing here?

Maybe an "all is forgiven" spell

or a "starting over" spell.

Don'’t get your newsprint in a wad.

I'’ll be out of here in two minutes.

Good, '’cause I Don'’t pay you

to hang around the office.

I need you down at the docks

covering that industrial fire.

You mean I still have my job?

No, I just enjoy sending people down to the docks.

Of course you still have your job.

Mike, I love working here

but i'’m not apologizing for what I said

and i'’m not going to be hanging out

when i'’m not on the clock.

Whoo-hoo!

[ Whispering]: I mean, Whoo-hoo.

That'’s what I like about you, kid.

You stand up for yourself

and you do it for the right reasons.

In my book, that'’s what makes a newspaper man.

Yeah, well, I still got a lot to learn

and as far as i'’m concerned, you'’re the guy to teach me.

Yeah, well, not tonight, all right?

I'’m taking my wife to a play

and being the romantic that I am

i'’m picking her up afterward.

Hey, I want you to hang on to this one.

Oh! Ow!

She'’s a keeper.

I know, I know.

Sabrina, you'’re not going to believe this.

I still have my job.

Oh, that'’s great news.

Are you okay?

Oh, fine.

I just got the wind poked out of me.

Sabrina, you got to help me.

Miles, I already told you, a q-tip and a smile.

No, today'’s the big day.

Over there is Mary quizzenberry

and in here is the wisdom and knowledge

that i'’ve gleaned from the fair sex.

Oh, and you want me to videotape the moment

when she falls into your arms

and you ride off into the sunset?

I'’ll settle for buying her a cup of decaf.

Okay, here goes.

You are looking at a confident, charismatic, clean-eared man

who'’s dangerous, yet mysteriously aloof.

Why do I feel like this is going to be

an incredibly short version of the Titanic?

Hello, i'’m...

I'’m not going to tell you who I am, right away

because i'’m slightly mysterious

but I must warn you, i'’m also dangerous

and you could eat out of this ear.

Ooh, I think we just hit an iceberg!

Want to have coffee?

Are you insane?

There'’s absolutely no way i'’d go out for coffee with you.

Didn'’t think so.

Time to bring out the lifeboats.

Hey.

Yeah?

I am free for dinner tonight.

I love a happy ending.