Original subtitles

Hey, guys.

Can I borrow your sarcophagus?

Oh, sure.

It'’s in the garage right next to Salem'’s bike

which he begged for and never uses.

I told you the seat pinches my cathood.

Miles is directing a horror movie

and I agreed to produce it.

Oh, my, you'’re making a picture?

A movie.

Well, that'’s so exciting.

Surely the sarcophagus isn'’t the only thing

you need from your aunties.

You'’re right. Do you have any lunch meat?

We'’re holding

auditions tomorrow

and I want to put out some snacks.

Let'’s go back to that word "audition."

Normally I won'’t read for a part

but since miles has never seen my work...

He can die a happy man.

Go ride your bike in traffic.

Eh?

As much as i'’d love

to have your enormous talents in my movie...

This is just a cheesy student film that is way beneath you.

Nicely done.

Sabrina, to a true thespian

no part is too small.

Or too cheesy.

Oh, no, we can'’t do the movie.

Dang it!

We'’ve been selected for other realm scare duty.

Scare duty?

That can'’t be.

We just did scare duty 200 years ago.

Scare duty?

Witch equivalent of jury duty.

The other realm randomly selects experienced witches

to teach the younger generation how to scare people.

Apparently, they didn'’t buy our excuse

that we were fighting overseas.

Hey, you may not be starring in a horror movie

but at least you get to scare people.

Want to really scare people?

Leave the house without your makeup.

Ooh!

Ooh, that pinches!

Pinches... no!

[ Crashing]

Oh! I think he dented his cathood on that Chrysler.

♪ Life'’s changing around me, and i'’m gonna make it mine ♪

♪ i'’m reaching out and living by my rules... ♪

♪ Time'’s moving way too fast ♪

♪ I wanna make it last...

♪ '’cause i'’m out on my own now ♪

♪ and I like the way it feels.

Oh, no. Don'’t tell me

you'’re already obsessing over Halloween.

It'’s just a lame holiday

like secretary'’s day.

What'’s the point?

They have to order their own flowers.

This had nothing to do with Halloween.

I'’m making a picture.

I mean, a movie.

It'’s going to be a ground-breaking

cinematic exploration of pure evil.

With an upbeat musical number at the end.

You can put the lights behind the sofa

and the camera goes in my room.

So, what did you think of the changes

I made to my script?

Brilliant.

Adding the extra cheerleader

really gives it emotional reticence.

Thanks. I thought we could

shoot the new stabbing scene in your bedroom.

As in mybedroom?

Forget about it.

There'’s no way i'’m letting a bunch of bad student actors

invade my personal space.

I'’m just the writer- slash-director.

You'’ll have to take it up with my producer.

Oh, look, I can assure you that no damage will be done to...

Wait a minute.

I know what this is about.

How would you like to play a cheerleader?

Are you kidding?

Who in their right mind

would want to be in the blood of mindy adelman?

Okay, so, I love the costume

but I have a question about my character.

Can mindy be spelled with two e'’s?

Can you turn around for us?

Can you show us your jugular vein, please?

Can you show us how you look dead?

Can you show us how you sing dead?

If i'’m dead, why would I sing?

Next. Next.

You'’re still casting?

How hard can it be

to find a decent cheerleader?

Rah! Rah!

Sis-boom-bah!

Go... team!

You got the part.

I Don'’t want the part.

Sorry, you should have thought about that

before you gave such a brilliant audition.

I was pretty good, wasn'’t I?

I guess all the years

of making fun of cheerleaders

is finally paying off.

So, you'’ll do it?

Okay, but I Don'’t do splits, pyramids

or the whole pompom thing.

Oh, no problem.

I'’ll just have the writer rewrite it.

I will cut the splits

but I am married to the pompoms.

Okay, we'’re ready for our first prince of darkness

Joe fensterblau.

That'’s me.

Nice fangs.

Is there anything about the character

you want to tell me before I start?

No. Just dive right in.

Actually I have one small direction.

The vampire is an extremely conflicted character

grappling with inner turmoil.

On the one hand

he sees mindy as a delicate flower

who could be his life partner.

And on the other hand, he sees her as lunch. Go.

Mindy, mindy... adelman...

When I look into your eyes

I-I see deep into your soul.

I see hunger.

I see... passion.

I see we'’re running late.

Thanks, Joe, for coming.

We'’ll get back to you.

Mindy... mindy adelman.

Next!

Mindy...

Next!

[ Growls]Next!

Sabrina, there is no next.

You just vetoed our last lead actor.

I had to.

None of these guys seems like a real vampire.

Real vampire?

You know, as in the vampire who...

Could do justice to your ingenious script.

So you'’re saying if I could somehow

lower the quality of the writing

we could hire a mediocre actor.

No. I'’m saying the role demands a professional.

How can we get a professional actor on a budget of $59?

I know. We could put an ad in the paper

and hopefully there'’s some actor between jobs

that needs the exposure.

Well, I suppose if we can'’t get one

I could play the part.

We'’ll get one.

Wait a minute. Listen to this.

"If assigned witches

"can teach an entire class to be scary in one session

they are forever relieved of scare duty."

Paragraph 11.

Oh, I just fell in love with the paragraph.

Zellie, you and I wrote the book on scaring people.

Remember? Scaring people by hilda and Zelda spellman.

This will be a snap.

We'’ll go tutor those little tikes

and then we will rush off to Sabrina'’s movie set

to get ready for our close-ups.

Two words:

Soft focus.

Two more words:

Bon voyage.

[ Squeals]

Oh, when will I ever learn?

[ Crashing]

I pray we get a good response to our

"desperately seeking vampire" ad.

Oh, we will

especially since we'’re offering

free salami in the ad.

I'’m going to go put these scripts on the porch.

[ Screams]

Normally people just say "come in."

And I will, just as soon as I start breathing again.

Come in.

Good evening.

I'’m Vladimir kortensky.

I hope i'’m not too early for the audition.

I flew down the transylvania turnpike.

Literally.

I like it. Already in character.

Did you get a chance to look at the script?

When I look into your eyes

I see deep into your soul.

I see hunger.

I see passion.

Redemption and resurrection.

Come, let me feed on your beauty

so we may live together forever.

Okay.

Miles...

Sabrina, I think we found our guy.

I know. Congratulations, vlad.

You got the job.

Thank you.

I look forward to our next encounter.

[ Laughing]

Now, thatis one great actor.

And mind you, he gave that performance

without even dipping into the free salami.

All right, class

come to order.

Let'’s begin by me telling you

a little bit about myself.

She'’s Zelda, i'’m hilda.

We'’re going to teach you how to be scary

and then we'’re out of here.

Now, the first thing you need to learn about frightening others

is the element of surprise.

In other words, boo!

Perhaps you didn'’t hear me.

I said

boo!

Okay, i'’ve warmed them up for you.

Let a legend show you how it'’s done.

Ooga-booga-booga-booga-booga!

[ All laugh]

Legend... Target of humiliation.

It'’s a fine line.

In this scene, you and roxie

have come to check on your best friend

cheerleader number two.

She'’s not home, so you decide to wait.

It'’s warm in the apartment

so you start to remove your clothes.

Roxie: Miles, that'’s not

in the script.

I'’m talking to the producer. Sabrina!

Everybody keeps their clothes on, especially me

since i'’m playing cheerleader number two.

[ Doorbell rings]

Oh, that must be our vampire.

Good evening.

Wow, you sound so familiar

but... I can'’t place it.

Perhaps you'’ve heard my voice-over work for kfc.

"We do chicken right." Bluh!

Oh, that'’s it.

Come on in.

Hey, vlad, we'’re about to start

the spaghetti dinner scene

where the cheerleaders carbo-load for the big game.

Yeah, you know, here

help yourself to some garlic bread.

Do you have something against garlic bread?

Of course he does.

He doesn'’t want garlic breath

because he has a love scene coming up.

Ouch! Miles, your stupid script gave me a paper cut.

Now i'’m bleeding.

Blood?

Perhaps I can help.

I didn'’t know that paper cuts were that interesting.

They are to some of us.

Morgan, can I use your mirror?

Oh, i'’m not finished.

Oh, well, you never are.

But maybe Vladimir

wants to check his makeup.

Uh, no need to.

Okay, time for a break.

We haven'’t started.

Well, sorry, union rules.

Um, Morgan, roxie, miles, have some garlic bread.

I'’ll be right back.

By the way

i'’ll be playing mindee with two e'’s.

All right, Mr. Vladimir kortensky

let'’s see if there'’s any information about you

on the witch wide web.

Aha!

I'’m Vladimir kortensky.

I'’ve starred in over 47

other realm dinner theater productions

including: Don'’t drink the o-positive

bloodsuckingon the 23rd floor

and same neck next year.

I know this guy.

He'’s in all those beer commercials for blood lite.

[ Tape fast-forwards]

My specials skills include juggling, rollerblading,

southern accents

and feasting on the blood of mortals.

I Don'’t just play a vampire on TV, I am one.

I knew it!

You have such beautiful veins.

I cannot wait to drink your blood.

You'’re a little devil.

Not exactly.

Oh, have some garlic bread.

I insist.

Bluh!

[ Gasping]

Sabrina, stop pushing garlic bread at vlad.

Thanks to your union holiday, we'’re already behind schedule.

We'’ll get started in a minute

just as soon as I talk to Vladimir

about our big scene... alone.

What big scene?

The vampire kills you within the first five seconds of the movie.

Oh, well, obviously, you haven'’t read the rewrite.

Oh, so now she'’s a writer, too?

I'’ll say it once... She'’s not getting

anywhere near the editing room.

Okay, vlad, I just downloaded your resume.

I'’m onto your big secret.

Okay, so i'’m really not 22.

What can I say? It'’s a youth-obsessed business.

Cut the quipping, count.

I know you'’re here to drink my roommate'’s blood.

I am a vampire... it'’s what I do

and there was an actor'’s strike in the other realm

and I needed to work.

Well, buddy, you'’re messing with the wrong production

'’cause I am a producer- slash-actress-slash-witch.

And i'’m going to zap you back

to the coffin you crawled out of.

[ Chuckles]

Apparently you haven'’t realized

that your witchy powers do not work on my kind.

Now, if you'’ll excuse me

I have a scene to do

and i'’d really like to sink my teeth into it.

[ Laughing]

Why couldn'’t we have done a surfing movie?

Zellie, we'’ve been at this for hours

and we haven'’t made any headway

with these little punks.

I Don'’t understand.

Maybe it just takes more to scare people today.

Hey, guys.

[ Gasps] [ Gasps]

There goes that theory.

Sabrina, what are you doing here?

And who'’s winning the big game?

I have a major problem with the movie.

We put an ad in the paper

and a real vampire showed up to play the part.

Oh, and you need a beautiful leading lady

to star opposite him.

No. I need to know how to stop a vampire

from sucking someone'’s blood.

Well, Sabrina, the only way I know

is to drive a stake through his heart.

Me, I use a kabob skewer.

Miles?

Morgan?

Roxie?

Vladimir!

Oh, my god, i'’m too late.

"Sabrina

"Vladimir suggested we head over to the school

"and shoot the blood-sucking scene

while everyone is still flesh."

Oh, wait, that'’s "fresh."

Oh, miles, you'’ve got to do something about your "r'’s."

What am I doing?

I'’ve got to get over there!

[ Roxie screaming]

Roxie! Roxie!

I'’m here. I'’ll save you.

Cut!

Sabrina, what are you doing?

First you delay the start of principal photography.

And now you ruin the denouement of a pivotal scene.

I'’m sorry, but we'’ve got way bigger problems

than whatever that big French word was you just used.

Where'’s Vladimir?

He'’s with Morgan somewhere

rehearsing a scene.

Got to go.

It'’s just as well we'’re shooting it again.

It doesn'’t really feel

like my character would scream here.

Would you mind if the director does? Take 47!

And action!

Here'’s the plan: Strength in numbers.

On three, we charge '’em.

One, two... three!

[ Shrieking]

Get '’em!

Retreat! Retreat!

Retreat!

What happened to "strength in numbers"?

I realized there were three of us and 12 of them.

I can'’t believe it... We come to teach

and we get egged and charmined.

What'’s happened to us, zellie?

Why aren'’t we scary anymore?

Living in the mortal realm

has just taken all the fright out of us.

Get up from there, you big scaredy cats.

Salem: You leave cats out of this.

Oh, that'’s it.

I'’ve had enough.

I am going home.

What did I just hear?

My sister, one of the scariest witches ever

is thinking of hanging up her broom?

We just need to dig deep inside ourselves

and remember what we'’re made of.

You go, girls.

[ Loud rumbling]

[ Kids gasping and screaming]

We'’re back.

So what if he'’s an evil vampire?

I'’m not scared.

[ Screams]

Bluh, bluh...

All right, Vladimir, get your hands up!

Bluh... bluh...

Put a cracker in it.

Two classrooms down...

30 more to go.

Hopefully this guy has trouble finding a vein.

You are so beautiful, and with such a lovely neck.

No, wait.

Stop.

I want my best side to show for the camera

so could you bite me over here?

But of course.

I'’m nothing if not accommodating. Bluh...

No!

Spellman.

Do you mind?

We'’re trying to rehearse

and you'’re really cramping my style.

Well, excuse me, but I was just

trying to stop Vladimir from sucking your blood.

You can suck mine instead.

What?

It doesn'’t matter to me.

I'’m not a fussy drinker.

It'’s fine with me.

Well, it matters to me.

What, it'’s not enough

that you are the actor and producer...

Now you have to be the star?

My director is going to hear about this.

How nice of you

to sacrifice yourself to save your friend.

Yeah, well, let'’s get it over with.

Mmm, tasty.

What is your blood type?

I'’d like to know whether to have you with fish or lamb.

How about with stake?

I knew I should have gone with the kabob skewer.

Got to go.

Two, four, six, eight

who do we annihilate?

Oh, that didn'’t work out.

[ Growls]

[ Groans]

Looking for me, bat boy?

I hope my hmo is paid up.

Ha!

Oh, look!

Adams college was basketball league champion in '’79.

Isn'’t that cool?

Ha!

Now all I need is that stake.

Wrong kind of stake.

Nicely marbled, though.

What the heck.

Bluh!

I guess it'’s true what they say.

Red meat can kill you.

Sabrina, where'’s Vladimir?

He, uh, just sort of vanished into thin air.

You drove him away.

I told you, miles, she'’s trying to destroy your film

because you didn'’t cast her as the star.

You'’re an evil cheerleader, Sabrina.

Evil!

No, I can explain.

Actually, no, I can'’t.

[ Wind howling]

[ Screaming]

Hi, honey. Hello, sweetheart.

Aunt hilda! Aunt Zelda!

What are you guys doing here?

[ Relief sigh]

We got our scare back

and now we'’re ready to be in your movie.

I won'’t be a problem, Don'’t worry.

I look good from any angle.

Look, I can'’t really talk about...

Actually, I do have parts for you.

Aunt Zelda, could you morph back into the monster?

Aunt hilda, you come with me.

Sabrina, how'’d you get Vladimir to come back?

Let'’s just say, as producer

I had a "big stake" in it.

Background.

Booga-booga-booga!

Action!

When I look into your eyes, I see deep into your soul.

I see hunger.

I see passion

resurrection and redemption.

Come, let me feast on your beauty

so we may live together forever.

And cut.

Perfect!

I'’ve got to reload

then we'’ll go again from the top.

Hilda'’s voice: Another take?

That was perfect.

I'’m working for free here

and i'’ve got the taste

of Morgan'’s moisturizer in my mouth.

But you'’re going home a star!

Is there actually a movie here

or just two hours of ego-tripping?

Yeah, where'’s my name?

Oh, there it is!

Yay!

Well, if you like the credits

you'’re going to love the finale.

Uh, I made a slight change in the editing room.

The finale is now the opening.

[ Dance music playing]

♪ No, nuh-uh, get back, drac!

♪ You ain'’t putting your fangs in us pretty young things ♪

♪ no, nuh-uh, get back, get back ♪

♪ no, nuh-uh

♪ get back, drac

♪ no, nuh-uh, get back, drac

♪ no, nuh-uh, get back, drac ♪

♪ no!