Original subtitles

[ Salem grunting]

Oh, good, I caught you.

[ Sniffing]: Do I smell poi?

I'’m making some Hawaiian munchies for our luau tonight.

Tonight?

Sabrina, it'’s the other realm independence weekend.

Hilda and Zelda already left.

I'’m not going.

I'’m tired of the crowds

the exploding quasars are the same every year

and there'’s always a traffic jam at the event horizon.

But I need you to film the fireworks for me.

I'’d do it myself if I weren'’t catanon grata.

I'’m sorry, Salem.

My roommates and I have organized the whole thing.

We even put a down payment on a pig.

And once you'’ve ordered a pig together

there'’s no turning back.

Well, if this dumb luau is so important

how about I stick around and film it for you?

My new minicam can do all sorts of effects.

Well, so can I.

Um, do you prefer

a dissolve, a swish pan, or a smash cut?

You wouldn'’t.

How about the classic... Fade out.

Very funny.

You'’re a regular Alfred witchcock.

♪ Life'’s changing around me, and i'’m gonna make it mine ♪

♪ i'’m reaching out and living by my rules... ♪

♪ Time'’s moving way too fast ♪

♪ I wanna make it last...

♪ '’cause i'’m out on my own now ♪

♪ and I like the way it feels.

Oh, shoot.

Ew, I hope that'’s a raisin.

[ Phone rings]

Aloha, luau central.

Hey, rox.

No, i'’ve never bought pooka shells before.

Fine, i'’ll help you shuck the pookas.

Oh, my god.

The-the microwave.

What about it?

It was floating.

Really?

I didn'’t know it came with that option.

No indication of a power surge.

The cord looks fine.

How can a microwave float?

More importantly, how could it cook a whole salmon

in under ten seconds?

These things are wild.

I'’m serious, Sabrina.

We just experienced a supernatural phenomenon

for which we have no logical explanation.

Maybe we have a ghost.

A ghost?

Wow.

I'’ve always wanted to hunt a ghost.

I hear they'’re easy to bag, but hard to strap to the hood.

Finally.

My chance to go mano-a-mano with a supernatural being.

Well, if anyone can frighten a ghost, it'’s you!

♪ Tiny bubbles

♪ in wine

♪ makes me happy...

So, how are your coconuts?

Oh. Round, yet surprisingly comfortable.

I'’m so glad you came.

Oh, Josh!

This is a surprise.

I'’m so glad you could make it.

Hey, roast a pig and i'’m there.

Sabrina.

What is my ex-boyfriend doing here?

Um, he'’s my friend

and, besides, you said it was okay.

I must have been tweezing or waxing at the time.

You know that you can'’t talk to me then.

Hi. Who are you?

What do you mean by that?

Let me put this another way... Who invited you?

Stop grilling me.

What are you, the c.I.A-a-a?

Miles, your friend is here!

Garth, you made it.

Sabrina, this is garth.

Hey, nice to meet you.

What'’s in the bag?

It'’s an ectoplex 5000 energy detector.

[ Giggles]

Wow. Can it detect when we'’re out of dip?

I Don'’t know. I'’ll check.

That was a joke.

Oh.

After the flying microwave incident

I asked for garth'’s help.

The ectoplex zeros in on paranormal energy fields

and supernatural phenomenon.

Well, that dovetails nicely

with the whole Hawaiian theme.

It will solve the mystery

of what'’s going on in this house.

Find out if there are any...

Poltergeists, witches, extra-terrestrials...

Whoa, whoa, whoa. Witches?

Yeah. It'’s just two clicks up the dial from doppelganger.

Wow. There is definitely

something not normal in this house.

You think?

I got to go strain my poi.

[ Sighs]

What a fantastic evening.

There is nothing better for the ego

than seeing your ex-boyfriend tripping over his grass skirt.

I can'’t believe nobody touched my poi.

Although, my coconuts were a big hit.

Okay, i'’ve checked all the bedrooms and the closets...

And Morgan, while you do have

an interesting selection of hosiery

I detect no supernatural activity.

You went looking for poltergeists

in my underwear drawer?

For your own protection.

Okay, playtime'’s over.

Put down the toy and start drying.

Oh, major paranormal activity in the kitchen.

Oh, come on, miles.

That'’s just a black frisbee on a stick.

The thing obviously doesn'’t work right.

Look, it'’s gone haywire.

Because according to the Gauge

it'’s closer to the source of the abnormality.

There is nothing abnormal about Sabrina.

Point it at roxie.

Maybe Morgan'’s the one who'’s not normal.

I'’m getting nothing from you either.

Oh, trust me, you never will.

This is creepy.

Okay.

You know what, miles, if you turn it off

i'’ll explain everything.

I Don'’t know how

to tell you guys this, but...

I'’m... psychic.

Are you kidding?

Half the time you can'’t find your own keys.

This has nothing to do with being psychic.

There is a supernatural presence here

and i'’m guessing it needs a human host to survive.

Or... in your case, hostess.

So what are you saying?

That, that there'’s some paranormal parasite

leeching off Sabrina?

Exactly. But Don'’t worry, Sabrina.

Whatever this other-worldly thing is

i'’m going to expose it, annihilate it

and blast it out of this house forever.

That'’s so sweet.

Um, but you know

Don'’t go to any trouble on my account.

Salem, i'’m in serious trouble.

Miles got his hands on some paranormal energy detector

and keeps pointing it at me.

Relax.

Most of those detectors are a joke.

There'’s only one that really works.

The ectoplex 5000?

That'’s the one.

It keeps going berserk around me.

What am I going to do?

I mean, besides get exposed and vaporized.

Mmm, I knew this day would come.

Sabrina, it'’s time for the talk.

Most girls get it from their mothers, I get it from the cat.

Mortals with ectoplex machines

are only interested in one thing.

You need to use protection.

Protection?

An anti-detection force field.

You can get it at the other realm drugstore, aisle seven

and Don'’t let the clerk intimidate you.

Okay.

Got my anti-detection force field.

"To remove childproof cap, line up arrows

squeeze, twist, push down and..."

I knew I should'’ve gotten the roll-on.

Here goes.

Ooh. Tingly.

All right, now it'’s time to give that ectoplex a flex.

Okay.

If I were a paranoid conspiracy nut hunting a ghost

where would I hide my detector?

Bingo.

Ah, this force field is perfect.

"From paranormal to normal in just one easy spritz."

Woo-hoo!

Hey, looks like we got a squatter in the ceiling.

Put that thing down.

Who said that?

You'’re not scaring me.

All right, maybe just a little.

Boo! All right, a lot!

Who are you and what are you doing in my living room?

Your living room?

I lived in this house for 30 years

and i'’ve been here for 40.

So that would make you...

Dead... but still a live wire.

So, you'’re a ghost.

Ex... cuse me.

I find that uncomfortable.

Sorry.

You should be.

If you hadn'’t used your stupid magic

nobody would have been looking for spirits.

I could still be floating around

in my underwear watching a celtics game.

Ew.

Look, how was I supposed to know

there was a ghost here?

It'’s not like the housing ad said

"three, plus two-and-a-half, plus ghost."

All I know is, your friends want to take somebody down

and there'’s not

enough room here for both of us

so Mark my words, missy.

If anyone gets blasted out of here, it'’s you.

Whatever happened to the concept of the friendly ghost?

Urban legend!

Listen up and listen good, ghost.

I can'’t get blasted out of here.

This is the only good housing left near campus.

Wait a minute.

What am I worried about?

I have a force field and roommates that like me.

Hey, guys.

Oh, you'’re here.

We were just leaving.

No, no, no, wait, wait, wait.

You Don'’t have to go.

Look, everything'’s fine.

Whatever was making this machine go off before, is gone.

Look. See? Huh? Nothing.

Oh, thank goodness.

Oh, I guess I should call that breeder

and cancel the doberman.

And I can stop sleeping with garlic and a cross.

Here, you got mail.

Oh, what are you doing?

Uh, i'’m getting into improv.

I'’m going to start a one-woman show.

I'’m going to call it, um, insane person opens mail.

Oh, I get the "insane" part.

What'’s with you, spellman?

Nothing.

I'’m, uh, i'’m just going to put this over here

for, um, for safekeeping.

Uh, you know what, i, I... need a soda.

On second thought, you know, water sounds really good.

I can'’t believe i'’m going to say this, but miles is right.

There is something very weird going on with you.

No, no, no, it'’s not.

Who are you going to believe?

What? A kook like miles

or the most level-headed person in this house?

Never buy conditioner at a garage sale.

"Paranormal extermination."

Here'’s one... "Gary'’s unwanted energy removal.

Licensed and bonded in both realms." Perfect.

Gary at your service.

What seems to be the phenomenon?

Got a ghost, Gary, and if I Don'’t get rid of him

i'’ll be thrown out of this house

and lose the best friends i'’ve ever had.

[ Electronic beeping]Oh, yeah. Uh-huh.

You definitely got yourself a ghost.

But Don'’t worry, you'’re in good hands with Gary.

At least you will be when I come back

first thing Monday morning.

Whoa, what are you talking about?

I need an exterminator now.

I'’d love to help you out

but it'’s other realm independence weekend.

Fireworks start in two hours.

Family'’s waiting for me.

It'’s little Gary'’s first big bang.

Forget about little Gary.

What about me?

All right, okay, okay.

Uh, here'’s what I can do for you.

A kazoo? How'’s this going to help me get rid of a ghost?

It won'’t.

But you know, i'’ve always found

that in stressful times

funny music can be very therapeutic.

[ Playing kazoo]

Hey, he'’s right... This is kind of soothing.

Obviously you'’re not a big fan of funny music.

Hey, Sabrina.

Hey, guys, what'’s that?

Your salvation.

That'’s is the ext paranormal ion eliminator.

With turbo.

Lock and load.

Whatever'’s living inside you

is going to be blasted to smithereens.

According to the manual

you may feel a slight pinch.

Oh, well, you know, as-as much as I want to be saved

I-I think I could wait until Monday.

It'’ll only take a second.

[ Popping]

She blew up the ion eliminator.

What kind of all-powerful, supernatural force

are we dealing with?

One that can give us a nice tan.

Sabrina, you'’re brighter than a Kuwaiti refinery.

But I Don'’t want you to panic; That'’s my job.

Let'’s get out of here.

I think I feel that pinch you were talking about.

Ghost: That was me.

And now they'’re afraid of me, and I Don'’t know what to do.

Are you even listening to me, Salem?

You'’re talking on the phone to your cat?

No. It'’s my uncle Salem.

Give my best to aunt Newport.

What are you wearing?

Anti-contamination gear.

We felt the situation warranted it.

We?

Aren'’t they darling?

Oh, yeah, they'’re real cute.

Stand back.

These suits are guaranteed against nuclear spills, not you.

Okay, this is ridiculous.

I am the same Sabrina I always was.

Your roommate, your friend...

We'’ve pulled all-nighters together.

We just had a luau, remember?

I made the poi

miles, you peeled the papayas

roxie, you filleted the pig

Morgan... you supervised.

We'’re friends with Sabrina

not the evil spirit that dwells within her.

So, what'’s the deal?

Are you some kind of goblin thingy

or an alien life form trying to colonize earth?

Is that why you lent me your red sweater...

To collect my human DNA?

I never lent you my red sweater.

I withdraw the question.

What are you guys going to do...

Wear those suits whenever you'’re around me?

This is only a stopgap measure.

Until your cage arrives.

What cage?

The one that will hold you

until your bubble'’s been built.

I'’m not living in a bubble.

Yet.

In the meantime, i'’ve contacted

a prominent paranormal researcher

who'’s interested in meeting you...

And perhaps dissecting you.

I'’m not a frog.

Can you prove that?

Okay, you know what?

You guys Don'’t have to worry

about being contaminated anymore.

I think it would be better for all of us

if I just moved back in with my aunts.

We still get to keep the outfits, right?

Hey, Sabrina, that luau rocked.

I'’ll tell you, there'’s nothing better for the ego

than seeing your ex- girlfriend jealous

at how great you look in a grass skirt.

That'’s nice, Josh.

What'’s wrong?

You Don'’t seem like yourself today.

Well, you'’re not the first person to say that.

Anything you want to talk about?

Oh, it wouldn'’t do any good.

There'’s somebody living in my house

that says it'’s not big enough for both of us.

Ooh, I hear you.

Morgan can be really selfish.

It'’s not Morgan.

And who it is doesn'’t matter.

If I Don'’t figure out a way to deal with this

I may never live in that house again.

Well, roxie is a tough nut to crack.

Why Don'’t you just sit her down and have a heart-to-heart?

It'’s not roxie.

And I have a feeling

that the person I have a problem with

really isn'’t into heart-to-hearts.

I think if the two of you could just discuss your feelings

i'’m sure you can come to an understanding with miles.

Would you stop guessing?

I have to stop.

I just ran out of roommates.

Well, this person is impossible.

I tried to work it out

but there'’s so much hostility i'’m dealing with.

I'’m not a psychologist, but anybody that angry

probably has unresolved issues.

Huh. Unresolved issues.

There'’s a thought.

Thanks, Josh.

Hey, just tell me one more thing.

Is this new roommate male or female?

Uh, well, he used to be male.

He'’s got a lot of unresolved issues.

Okay, Mr. Ghost, we need to talk.

I'’m indisposed.

And the name is Marv.

Well, when you'’ve finished up

i'’d like to have a word with you.

What do you want?

Marv, uh, you know, I Don'’t mean to sound critical

but you seem to have a lot of pent up frustration.

I'’m just wondering, what happened

to make you so hostile?

Well, if you must know... I lost my wife.

I'’m sorry.

She died?

No, I died, stupid.

Keep up.

Oh, so she'’s still alive.

Yes.

That'’s why I keep hanging around here

hoping that Betty will get nostalgic

for our life together, and come back.

So that'’s all you want?

To see your wife again?

Oh, yes. And to give her the present I made for her.

It'’s been collecting dust up in the attic for ten years.

Let me ask you something.

What if I found Betty, brought her here

and gave her your gift?

I'’d be eternally grateful.

Grateful enough to leave this place forever?

Yes. The paranoid kid with the ukulele is driving me crazy.

I'’ll bet this house brings back memories for you.

What a dump.

Well, we find it quaint.

I mean, sure, the molding'’s crooked, the windows stick

and, you know, there'’s a few leaky fixtures.

That'’s Marv for you.

Thought he could fix everything himself.

He was all thumbs.

Oh, but what gifted thumbs they were.

And look what he built

with those little chubby things.

I found this in the attic and I think it belongs to you.

Looks like Marv'’s handiwork...

Painstakingly crafted with popsicle sticks and gum.

Well, you know, it'’s not easy

to make a jewelry box with no right angles.

Plus, it'’s the thought that counts.

What in the world?

20,000 shares of the Microsoft corporation.

Are they the baby powder people?

They'’re the people that just made you rich.

I can'’t believe it.

Marv never picked a winner the whole time we were married.

He picked you.

Oh, thanks, doll.

But Don'’t think you'’re getting

your hands on any of my money.

All right, well, it was nice meeting you too, Betty.

Now I know why he loved you so much.

Thank you, Sabrina.

I can'’t tell you how good it was

to see her again.

Isn'’t she an angel?

Okay.

Oh, well, a deal'’s a deal.

I guess i'’ll be moving on.

Whoa, whoa, wait a minute.

I need you to help me fix things with my roommates.

I mean, they think i'’m some sort of supernatural freak.

Right. I have an idea.

What if they all have supernatural powers?

Then we could write a comic book about them.

Oh, the living.

You guys kill me.

[ Laughing]

All right, everybody'’s home.

You ready to wreak some havoc?

My specialty.

I miss Sabrina.

But it is nice to have the house back to normal.

Anyone want to split a pig salad sandwich?

I take back what I said about normal.

Roxie, Don'’t move.

I'’m the only one in the kitchen, right?

Hey, yeah, except for that spirit possessing you.

Hey, I, I was going to win that game.

Looks like you'’re possessed, too.

All you women are freaks of nature.

I knew it.

And I like it.

This is not good.

I have a very sensitive inner ear.

Well, looks like

my work here is done.

It'’s been a pleasure haunting you.

Thanks, Marv.

You know, just out of curiosity, where are you off to?

I have to see a man about a bright light.

Right after I make a pit stop.

Hey guys, what'’s going on?

We'’re clearing out of here.

Grab all you can carry.

It turns out it wasn'’t just you.

The whole house is possessed.

And unlike scantily clad teenagers in slasher movies

we know when to leave.

Whoa, whoa, whoa. My aunt Zelda explained

why all these strange things have been happening.

She said it'’s due to massive solar flares

misalignment of the planets, and some inflamed asteroids.

So you'’re saying there'’s a rare convergence of celestial events

that has disrupted electromagnetic fields?

Exactly, and it'’s not going to happen again

for, like, another kajillion years.

So it'’s going to be over soon, and we Don'’t have to leave here?

That'’s right.

Oh, thank goodness.

I was dreading the thought of packing up

all my skin care products.

Well, I might as well give this back to garth.

I'’ve got to say, i'’m a little disappointed.

I was really hoping to finally encounter a supernatural entity.

I'’m beginning to think it'’s never going to happen.

Oh, Don'’t despair, miles.

You know, i'’d be willing to bet

you'’re a little closer than you think.

[ Knocking]

Hi. I'’m Gary.

I'’m here to flush out your ghost.

Unfortunately, we never had a ghost.

Whoa! That'’s a great rig you got there, Gary.

Where'’d you get it?

The other realm.

"The other realm"?

Wait, that'’s code for a covert CIA operation

in Central America, isn'’t it?

Oh, geez, you'’re, uh, you'’re not from the other realm are you?

No, but i'’m ready to sign up.

Don'’t call us.

We'’ll call you.

[ Electronic beeping]

What do you know?