Original subtitles

Oh, my, how on earth

do you find anything in this mess?

I know my homework looks disorganized

but I have a logical system.

What part of your logical homework system

is a coupon for popeye'’s chicken?

Well, um... I am a chicken

when it comes to taking science tests

so what better bookmark to have

than a chicken coupon?

Ooh... ten pieces for $7.99.

Sabrina, I need to get you organized.

You'’ll need dividers, colored markers

accordion file, label maker and a jumbo paper clip.

I have everything upstairs.

You are so lucky you came to me.

Some people win the lottery.

I have an aunt who collects office supplies.

Hi, Sabrina. What are you doing?

I just came over to ask aunt Zelda

for some help with my physiology homework

and she decided I need to get organized.

She went upstairs for supplies.

Quick... i'’ll distract her while you make your getaway.

Hilda, is it just me or have you noticed that aunt Zelda'’s

just a tad compulsive.

A tad?

She rearranged my sock drawer

according to country of origin.

Doesn'’t that bug you?

Oh, sure.

You just have to find little ways to amuse yourself.

Watch this.

Okay, I think we have everything we...

Something'’s wrong.

This room is totally out of balance.

No, it isn'’t.

Sabrina, is anything out of balance?

Only aunt Zelda.

[ Sighing]

Mmm.

♪ Life'’s changing around me, and i'’m gonna make it mine ♪

♪ i'’m reaching out and living by my rules... ♪

♪ Time'’s moving way too fast ♪

♪ I wanna make it last...

♪ '’cause i'’m out on my own now ♪

♪ and I like the way it feels.

Barney: Have you got everything straight?

Gomer: Mm-hmm. Are you sure?

Don'’t worry, barn... anybody does any lawbreakin'’

i'’ll nab em'’ and slap em'’ right there in number one.

That'’s not number one, that'’s number two!

One, two!

Can someone explain to me

why we'’ve stayed up till 4:00 in the morning

to watch 12 continuous hours of Andy Griffith?

Because mayberry is a microcosm

of the human condition.

How does the insecure Barney cope

working in the shadow of an icon like Andy?

What arethe long-term effects

of opie growing up without his two front teeth?

And did aunt bee never marry

because she secretly worked for the CIA?

I just like watching gomer and goober.

All I know is i'’ve got a psych test at 8:30.

I'’m going to sleep.

Hey, everybody. What'’s going on?

We'’ve all got class in the morning.

We'’re going to bed.

Beforesunrise?

As your r.A., I am very disappointed

in your lack of college spirit.

You have a point.

If I wanted to live by the rules

i'’d be at home with my aunt Zelda

helping her color-code the condiments.

Yeah, that'’s true. We'’re... adultsnow.

We can be spontaneous, do whatever we want.

Tonight...

I'’m not putting the toilet seat down.

All: Oh, yes you are.

I say we hit an all-night diner

for corn dogs and curly fries.

Ooh, and then we can go down to the docks

and have some clam chowder with the longshoremen.

Soup and guys that smell like fish?

I'’m in. Let'’s go.

Morgan?

Oh, no thanks.

I'’ve got class in the morning.

Oh, no!

This is so much fun.

I can'’t believe I waited 200 years to redo our floors.

Hey!

When you tried to remodel our last house

the drawbridge collapsed and we were castle-bound for weeks.

You and Lancelot weren'’t exactly complaining.

Well, I had to do something to occupy my time.

Silly, rest assured...

This time is going to be different.

First of all

I have a kick-butt power tool

and a new-fangled invention called...

Electricity!

I Don'’t have a good feeling about this.

Trust me, I know what i'’m doing.

Whoo!

Oh, lord!

And I know what i'’mdoing.

Aunt Zelda, what are you doing here so early?

Early? It'’s 4:00 in the afternoon.

I knew that.

I meant, what are you doing here

so early in the year?

I mean it could snow, you could catch cold...

But I see you brought extra clothes.

Why'’d you bring extra clothes?

Hilda broke the house.

Look... I see you'’ve been pulling an all-nighter.

Oh, I remember

thosedays.

What were you studying?

Gomer and goober?

I'’m not that familiar with the German philosophers.

Anyway, your aunt hilda...

The human wrecking ball...

Is on a home remodeling binge.

Do you mind if I stay with you?

Oh, not all.

For how long?

Oh, just a few days.

A few days...

It'’s so much more than one day.

Well, I thought it would be fun

to spend some time with my favorite niece.

That is, if she wants me.

Oh, of course I want you.

You know, it'’s just...

My roommates might feel a little weird about it.

They kind of like to hang loose.

No problem.

I'’m the original "hang loose" gal.

I just love to go with the flow, you know?

Kick back...

Chill out...

Scour and disinfect.

Good thing I brought my cleaning supplies.

You travel with cleaning supplies?

Oh, I guess you do.

Just the essentials.

And they'’re all monogrammed, too.

You know, when I went to school

we didn'’t study like that.

We sat at a table...

Treated our books with care...

And prayed that the students

who'’d used them before us hadn'’t died of the plague.

You know, aunt Zelda

things today are a little different.

I know

and I Don'’t have a problem with that

because i'’m a...

"hang-loose" gal.

You really Don'’t have to keep saying that.

Fine. I'’ll just whip up some dinner.

Let'’s see what you have.

Hmm. Diet soda, nail Polish, and batteries.

That should make quite a casserole.

Both: Hi.

Hey, guys, listen... My aunt'’s going to

stay here for a few days if it'’s okay with you.

Oh, it'’ll be great.

You can never have enough adult supervision.

And I can say that with a big smile

because I have a room of my own

on a whole different floor.

See ya.

Well, I guess you did

have me at your house for Christmas

and as my uncle Louie "the lip" says

"it'’s time to pay the Piper."

Now, Don'’t worry, girls...

You won'’t even know i'’m here.

Oh, 10:00... Everybody ready to turn in?

Green acresis just about to start.

[ Green acrestheme playing]

Ooh, I love gardening shows.

It'’s not a gardening show.

It'’s about a ditzy Hungarian socialite

who lives on a farm with her husband

and a pig named Arnold.

You know, it wouldn'’t hurt you girls

to try to nourish your minds

with something a little more educational.

We'’ve been nourishing our minds all day.

We need a funny pig.

But there'’s a wonderful production

of die fleidermaus on pbs.

♪ New York is where i'’d rather stay... ♪

[ Man singing German opera]

Ah! Now that'’s what I call a basso profundo.

He'’s no Mr. Ziffle.

I say we take a vote.

Here'’s my vote...

We let my aunt watch her Nazi opera

and we go to the student union

and watch the pig on the big screen.

Good idea. Later.

Bye, aunt Zelda.

Oh, '’bye.

Well, it looks like it'’s just you and me, prince orlowski.

I dream this dream a lot...

But it usually involves babydoll pajamas...

And I can'’t remember what you'’re wearing.

Oh, hello, miles.

I'’m going to be staying here for a few days.

I hope you Don'’t mind.

Me? Yeah.

No... I mean, no, no, not at all.

Good. Well, would you like to sit and watch die fleidermauswith me?

It would be the high point of my existence.

You Don'’t still have that crush on me, do you?

That? No.

Way... over it.

Gone, like ancient history.

Oh!

I think i'’ll go to my room.

This is a much bigger job than I thought.

Especially after we add on

the repair work to the floor.

Or, we leave it like it is

and turn the dining room into a cock-fighting pit.

I know we can get this job done.

It'’s going to take a little elbow grease.

I'’m a cat. I Don'’t have elbows.

You, on the other hand, have a magic finger.

Use it... and get us out

of this home-improvement nightmare.

Don'’t you want the satisfaction

of knowing that we did this ourselves?

No, I want nothing more than to eat, sleep

and dream about Mrs. Michael Douglas.

I Don'’t care what you and Zelda say.

I am going to make our house a nicer place to live.

[ Sander buzzing]

Whoa!

Announcer: This blade is amazing!

Watch as it slices 10,000 pieces in under ten seconds...

Aunt Zelda, you'’re up?

Shh!

I'’m ordering a ginzu knife.

If I act now, they'’ll throw in

a complete set of titanium kabob skewers.

And if I act now

I might actually get some sleep.

'’bye.

Both: Good night.

Yes?

Oh, what the heck.

We only live once.

Throw in the Gabe kaplan chicken deboner.

Aunt Zelda, i'’m a little confused here.

When I left, you were watching the opera.

How did you go from die fleidermausto deboner?

Well, after the opera ended

I was flipping through the channels

and that show came on...

The one with the Hungarian and the pig?

And before I knew it, I was laughing myself silly.

Oh, that Gabor gal in the peignoir, husking corn?

Still tickles me.

That'’s my favorite episode.

I can'’t believe how much i'’ve been missing.

Sabrina, I know why

you and roxie ditched me tonight.

Mm, because you'’re a teeny-weeny bit

of an uptight control freak?

I was.

But that'’s about to change.

And you got all this

just from watching green acres?

Well, in watching the way you kids live...

When I was in college

every time I wanted to cut loose

somebody was there telling me I couldn'’t.

And usually that somebody was me.

Well, after all these years

you'’re finally ready to pop out of your shell.

I'’m poised and ready to pop!

You probably Don'’t want me in the room for this.

I'’m going to go.

Well, that'’s great. You go, girl.

I mean, aunt girl.

Whoo-hoo!

Morning, aunt Zelda. So, how'’d you sleep?

Amazingly well.

I'’m starving. What'’s for breakfast?

Oh, breakfast.

The most important meal of the day.

You can have anything you want.

Just reach in and grab

the first thing that appeals to you.

Oh, I couldn'’t.

Dare I?

You must, unless you want to go back

to being your old uptight self.

Never.

Then watch and learn.

[ Rock music playing]

♪

Not bad.

In fact, it'’s delicious.

Well, i'’m very proud of you, aunt Zelda.

You know, yesterday you would never have eaten

gummi bears with peanut butter

and an eight-day-old meatball sandwich.

You'’re darn right I...

How old was that meat?

Do we care?

No.

Are we loose?

Yes. We'’re loose.

Give me an "l."

We'’re not that loose.

[ Whimpering]

Come on, step it up.

At this rate, we'’re never going to finish.

Oh! My feet are raw! They'’re bleeding!

[ Whimpering]

Oh, you idiot!

You put the sandpaper on upside down.

Let go of me.

So, how'’s it going up there?

Technically, what'’s the difference

between braids and knots?

Knots? Oh, dear...

I mean, whatever...

I'’m up with that.

The expression is "down with that."

And... you look great.

You guys aren'’t going to believe this.

I got us invited to a rave tonight.

What'’s a rave?

A wild dance party that happens

with no advance warning.

Someone gives you a phone number, you call

and then you get another phone number.

Then, if you sound cool enough

they tell you where the party is.

But that leaves no time to buy a hostess gift.

Uh, not a big problem at raves.

I'’ve got to go change.

It could take me hours to find

something that says "I just threw this on."

Oh, i'’d say you'’re there.

I have to tell Josh where to meet.

Are you coming with us, aunt Zelda?

Oh, no.

How could you just go to a party

on the spur of the moment?

Well, the spur is the best part of the moment.

Sorry, I have to teach class in the morning.

And besides... I look like

an albino whoopi goldberg.

[ Techno music playing]

This party'’s so awesome.

Who would have thought youcould have

gotten me invited to such a cool party?

Oh, Don'’t worry.

It'’s won'’t happen again.

Sabrina!

I think I saw your aunt over there.

Really? So she showed up.

Wow, what'’s she doing?

Hiding in the corner

clutching her hostess gift?

I think she is the hostess gift.

Whoo-hoo!

Oh, hi, Sabrina.

This rave is fabulous.

Boys, would you mind

passing me toward the ladies'’ room?

I need to freshen up a bit.

Whoo-hoo!

Am I hallucinating, or did one of my primary caregivers

just get passed over our heads

like a sack of potatoes?

[ Men chanting]

Wow, if I had an aunt that partied that hearty

I might go home for Thanksgiving once in a while.

Uh, hello, remember me?

Your girlfriend?

Don'’t worry.

We'’ll toss you around

as soon as we'’re done with her.

Okay, i'’ve got to put a stop to this.

Aunt Zelda!

Can I talk to you for a second?

Sure, honey.

Okay, fellas.

Time to touch terra firma.

[ Laughing]

Very smooth landing.

Thank you.

Vic.

You'’re not a Vic.

You'’re a Victor.

A conqueror.

Actually, i'’m a blauski.

Vic blauski.

Ah, yes.

So it says on your tattoo.

What are you doing?

Having the time of my life.

Thanks to you, I feel like a young lass of 200 again.

Aunt Zelda, I told you to loosen up a little bit

not become completely unraveled.

I am not unraveled.

But i'’m on my way.

Boys, set me up again.

Where have you been?

It'’s 5:30 in the morning!

You could have picked up a phone and called.

Well, I was with my friends.

We weren'’t near a phone.

That'’s no excuse.

I have been up all night worried sick about you.

Well, i'’m sorry.

I promise, next time i'’ll be home before...

Wait a minute, you'’re not my mother.

Aunt Zelda, do you realize

you have a class to teach in two hours?

Yes, I do.

Sabrina, I have been where I am supposed to be

every day for the last 600 years.

Tonight i'’m doing something for me.

Now, if you'’ll excuse me

Vic is waiting for me out in the Van.

You are going out with a guy named Vic who drives a Van?

He doesn'’t just drive a Van.

He sells steaks out of the back.

Done!

And I must say, Martha Stewart is an amateur compared to me.

Except she probably never varnished herself into a corner.

First of all, I am not in a corner.

Secondly, how long do you think it takes for varnish to dry?

Hilda, if there was ever a time to use your magic, it'’s now!

All right, but I did all the tough part myself.

Well, that solves that problem.

Aunt hilda!

Why are my feet sticking to the floor?

Because you'’ve just ruined nine hours of varnishing.

Well, we'’ve got bigger problems.

Aunt Zelda stayed out all night last night dancing at a rave.

A rave? One of those wild, out- of-control parties

that usually end up being shut down by the police?

How come you didn'’t invite me?

Aunt hilda, i'’m really worried.

She'’s gone completely off the deep end.

Don'’t worry, Sabrina.

It'’s good for Zelda to loosen up a little bit.

Well, Zelda spellman, professor of quantum physics

is now cruising around town in a Van

with a 22-year-old meat salesman named Vic.

We'’ve got to find Zelda and talk some sense into her.

We'’re also low on flank steak.

Yeah, yeah, yeah.

Hold your horses, hold your horses.

Hey, Vic, you know what time it is?

Yeah, i'’m sorry, man

but my new lady, Zelda...

She wants a tattoo.

Zelda, meet Michelangelo

the best tattoo artist in the city.

It'’s a pleasure to meet you.

You are named after one of my very favorite artists.

You'’ve been over to my uncle Michelangelo'’s parlor in Jersey, huh?

Oh, no.

I was talking about the Michelangelo

who painted the sistine chapel.

Oh, great. More competition.

This is Zelda'’s first tattoo.

Better late than never. So, what'’d you have in mind?

Can you give me a rendering of

Lucas cranach the elder'’s judgment of Paris?

No, but I can give you a rat that says "keep on trucking."

Go ahead, look around.

See what you like, babe.

Okay... babe.

Zelda, what are you doing?

Choosing a tattoo.

And I can assure you, it won'’t be of you.

You can'’t get a tattoo.

It'’s not your style.

Maybe it wasn'’t before, but it is now.

Oh, yeah, your biceps are just crying out for

"so many chicks, so little time."

Look, I really Don'’t appreciate the two of you

interfering in my affairs.

Welcome to my world.

Yo, babe, you pick one out yet?

Not yet, babe.

I would like for both of you to leave, now.

We can'’t leave you here to ruin your life.

I'’m not ruining it.

I'’m changing it, and I refuse to discuss this any further

with a couple of busybody tattoos.

So, what'’s it going to be, babe?

I'’ve made up my mind.

I want that Rose, right over there.

Spooky.

That'’s the one mom picked.

Get ready, babe

'’cause this is going to hurt like hell.

Eh...

Most chicks say it'’s not as bad as childbirth.

Well, now that i'’m completely at ease...

Ink me, baby.

Something'’s wrong... It'’s not working.

I'’ve never seen anything like this.

Your skin won'’t absorb the ink.

That'’s odd.

That was a brand-new needle.

Hey, lady, you got some very weird flesh.

Hey, Don'’t dis my girl'’s flesh.

Come on, babe, we'’ll try another place.

No.

I should have realized I couldn'’t get a tattoo.

You want to get something pierced instead?

I'’m sorry, Vic.

This just isn'’t going to work out.

Why not?

'’cause i'’m trying to be something i'’m not.

It'’s not you, it'’s me.

Good-bye...

Babe.

Good-bye, babe.

Hey, i'’m sorry, man.

So, how'’s the rib eye this week?

I'’d go with the porterhouse.

Well, that was a big waste of time.

It'’s all my fault.

I only meant to loosen aunt Zelda up a little bit.

Instead I turned her into trailer trash.

Maybe it'’s not such a bad thing.

Now i'’m the classy one in the house.

Drat!

We'’re out of pork rinds and ding dongs.

Aunt Zelda, you'’re back!

With no visible tattoo.

I didn'’t get a tattoo.

Oh, so we did get through to you.

I'’m so glad.

It'’s nice to know that

I helped my sister in her time of need.

The needle wouldn'’t penetrate my skin.

My witch subconscious wouldn'’t allow me to do something

so untrue to myself.

Same thing happened to me

when I tried to become a nutritionist.

I guess i'’m just condemned for all eternity

to be a beautiful, uptight genius.

Give yourself a hundred years.

You won'’t be so beautiful.

Thank you so very much.

Aunt Zelda, you'’re not condemned to be uptight.

Your subconscious didn'’t stop you

from eating gummi bears and an eight-day-old meatball.

No, I guess it didn'’t.

See, you can loosen up.

You just have to stay true to who you are.

You'’re right, Sabrina.

Thanks to you, I can still be a hang-loose gal.

Ow!

Of course you can.

Now, want to go out and get some breakfast?

Now?

Shouldn'’t you be getting ready for class?

And by the way, Sabrina, if you keep up that partying all night

you are going to flunk out of college.

So much for hanging loose.

Welcome back, aunt Zelda.

Salem: Help, cat stuck in varnish!

On second thought, breakfast sounds good.

[ Doorbell rings]

One of us should really get that.

Yeah, one of us should.

The youngest or the closest?

I can'’t make such a big decision right now.

Let'’s wait till the next commercial.

Oh, i'’ll get it.

Come in!

Hi!

Oh, no, not again.

Oh, relax.

I'’m not moving in.

I just came by to drop off

a little thank-you gift from Zelda.

Oh, a suitcase full of raw meat.

That'’s so thoughtful.

And so marbled.

I'’m keeping the t-bone. Bye!