Original subtitles

What about if I throw you

a bowling party for your birthday?

A clambake on the beach?

Ice skating on the dark side of pluto?

No, no, and again... no.

Okay, a sit-down dinner?

A stand-up dinner?

A lay-down brunch?

Stop me when you hear something you like.

Sabrina, I do not want a birthday party.

I do not want one on the beach.

I do not want one with a sneech.

I do not want one up in space.

I do not want one anyplace!

A party in whoville?

Oh!

It'’s your 650th... That'’s big.

We have to do something.

I agree.

We have to get back to work and never mention

the word "birthday" or "party" ever again.

Did you hear her?

No. I try and tune her out as much as possible.

I want to throw her a birthday party

but she said she doesn'’t want one.

Sure, she does.

So when she says

"never mention the word '’party'’ again"

what she really means is

"bring in da noise, bring in da funk"?

Sabrina, when someone says they Don'’t want a party

it means they really do want a party.

They just want it to be a surprise. You think?

Yeah, everyone loves a surprise.

Well, almost everyone.

♪ Life'’s changing around me, and i'’m gonna make it mine ♪

♪ i'’m reaching out and living by my rules... ♪

♪ Time'’s moving way too fast ♪

♪ I wanna make it last...

♪ '’cause i'’m out on my own now ♪

♪ and I like the way it feels.

I finally found another realm bakery

that'’ll make hilda'’s favorite:

Angel food cake with deviled ham.

Sabrina, you'’re wasting your time.

I'’ve thrown her hundreds of parties over the years

and she hated every one.

She wasn'’t the only one.

Boring!

What do you know?

I'’ll have you know

people are still talking about

that bash I threw for her 400th.

Eight of the world'’s most renowned astronomers

pondering the universe over a vegetable lasagna.

They weren'’t pondering, they were sleeping.

Well, this party'’s going to be great.

I spent the whole weekend rounding up

all her friends from the past.

I even went through her address book.

And I went through her drawers.

Nothing going on there.

I'’ve invited all of her girlfriends

from the other realm high

including the future hexmakers of america and the potionettes.

"Eye of newt, rah, rah, rah...

Warts and strychnine, blah, blah, blah..."

I can'’t stand those cackling hens.

Oh, good, the gargoyles are coming.

Have you heard from the griffins?

Only merv.

He'’s trying to get out of a dinner

with siegfried and Roy.

Gosh, you invited Sally o'’brien

my old flame.

I'’ll never understand why she dumped me.

You became a cat.

Still. You work with people.

Will you be able to get aunt hilda

out of the universe for a couple of hours

so we can surprise her?

Well, she has been talking about

this Mexican restaurant over on Orion'’s belt.

They say the chalupas are out of this world.

Hi. What you doing?

Nothing.

What'’s wrong?

Nothing. Nothing. Nothing.

It'’s my dress, isn'’t it?

If you hate it, why Don'’t you just say so?

Okay, i'’ll say it for you.

"Hilda, I hate your dress; Go change."

Fine, if you put it like that, I will.

Oddly enough, that'’s the one dress of hers that I like.

Hi. Hello.

Hi. Thanks for coming.

Hilda will be here any minute.

She'’s going to be so excited to see you.

Can I take your coat?

Oh.

Well, you seem pretty reserved this evening.

I thought you were a party animal.

I'’m saving myself for Sally.

Well, I think she'’s right over there.

Duh, i'’ll say she is!

Va-va-va-voom!

What'’s wrong, gorgeous, cat got your tongue?

Or do you just wish he did?

Salem saberhagen.

You rake.

[ Chuckles]

I also mow... But we can talk yard work later.

[ Chuckles]

Oh, the years have been good to you, Sally.

And you'’ve got a little hummus on your whiskers.

You still give me the goose bumps, fella.

Mee-hee-hee-yeow.

[ Thunder crashing]

[ Loudly]: Well, hilda, here we are

back at the house.

Zelda: Duh, i'’m not in a coma.

Quick, everybody hide.

I Don'’t know what'’s in those other realm tacos

but, oh, they always give me the worst...

Surprise! Surprise! Surprise!

[ Screams]

Remember how cute sir Galahad was?

He was the best jouster in senior class.

If anyone would know, you would.

[ Screaming laughter]

Oh, that noise...

It'’s worse than nails on a blackboard.

Oh, I think it'’s great.

I haven'’t seen aunt hilda this happy

since she went waterbed shopping with Casanova.

[ Screaming laughter]

Hand me a couple of those cheese balls.

I thought you were watching your cholesterol.

I am.

[ Shrill laughter continues]

[ Sighs]

Sabrina, have you had a chance to meet everybody?

This is roz and her son Barry.

Hello.

This is Eleanor and her daughter grace.

Isn'’t she adorable?

And this is my old college roommate Tess

and her son bobo.

Zelda, you have cheese in your ears.

What are you thinking?

These are for the guests.

I think it'’s so great

you all brought your kids.

Oh, can you believe we'’re all moms?

Except for hilda.

I'’m not ready to have children.

Right now i'’m just dating guys that act like them.

Hilda'’s priority is her career.

That'’s right, she'’s an entrepreneur

a very high-level beverage broker.

Yes, I heard you bought a coffee shop.

It'’s a coffeehouse.

Right now i'’m focusing all my energy

on getting it off the grounds.

[ Laughs]

Oh, honey, besides

you never needed kids to give your life validation.

That'’s what we admire about you.

Thank you. I admire that about me, too.

What an inspiration.

You'’re secure enough to live the rest of your life

with your spinster sister

and not even be bothered by it.

Yep, really missing these people.

Okay, who ate all the cheese balls?

Thanks for the party, Sabrina.

It was fantastic.

Tell me about it.

Sally was all over me like a cheap suit.

Not unlike the one i'’m wearing.

Well, I must admit, that despite the food, the guests

and a gift from bobo in the laundry room

the party wasn'’t half bad.

Well, thanks, aunt Zelda.

If this college thing doesn'’t work out

I might go into the party planning business.

I think I have knack for making people happy.

[ Crying]: I wish I were dead!

Oh, dear, perhaps the party

triggered a lot of deep-seated feelings.

You haven'’t seen those hens, I mean, friends

for over 400 years, and now they'’re gone.

You think that'’s it?

Well, it could be.

Plus, big birthdays are always emotional.

I mean, when I turned two, I remember I cried like a baby.

Wait, I was a baby.

All you need is a good night'’s sleep.

And a case of tissues.

[ Sniffing]

Ooh. I smell monkey.

[ Crying]

Aunt hilda, I thought you went upstairs.

I can'’t sleep. I'’m buzzing.

Oh, it must be all the excitement from the party, huh?

No. I'’m literally buzzing.

Listen to this.

[ Buzzing]

What do you think it is?

Did you swallow the oven timer again?

You are never going to let that go, are you?

Okay, that'’s not good

and it'’s definitely not mortal.

We got to get you to another realm doctor.

I hate doctors.

They'’re always poking you and asking if it hurts.

Of course, it hurts. You just poked me!

[ Buzzing]

Ooh, knock it off!

Man [ Over P.A.]: Dr. Korn, please call radiology.

Dr. Korn, please call radiology.

What is taking so long?

Hilda'’s been in that exam room forever.

She'’s been in there five minutes.

Why are you so nervous?

Well, she'’s my sister.

Sure, she may drive me crazy, have obnoxious friends...

Be a little flaky, loud, overbearing, a complete slob...

What was I trying to say?

How much you care about aunt hilda.

I love that woman.

[ Buzzing]

Uh-huh.

Oh-ho.

Well?

What do I have?

Rickets?

Ringworm? Tapeworm?

Smallpox? Largepox?

Mumps? Bumps?

Hypo-menosynchronism, type 2.

I went to clown college, okay?

Break it down for me.

Wow!

You'’d think you'’d remember

swallowing a thing like that.

Oh, you didn'’t swallow this.

This is your biological clock.

Ooh, and it'’s running a little fast.

Has anything unusual happened recently?

No. I'’ve just been going to work.

My niece just threw me this fantastic birthday

where all my old friends showed up with their kids.

[ Crying]

Oh, that'’s it.

Your biological clock is telling you

you want to have a baby.

But i'’m not ready to have a baby.

I Don'’t have a husband.

I Don'’t have a boyfriend.

I Don'’t even have a test tube.

I understand.

Why Don'’t you leave your clock with me.

I'’ll recalibrate it and get you some more time.

God, I love being a witch.

You can pick it up tomorrow afternoon.

Unless you have an hmo

then we'’re talking about next year.

Don'’t worry, I have broom cross/broom shield.

I'’ll see you tomorrow. Okay.

Oh, one other thing.

You might find that without your clock

you have a few mood swings.

I mean, you might act a little loony.

Trust me, no one will notice the difference.

Does our family have any history

of abnormal levitation?

Well, during the '’60s

but everybody was floating higher then.

Oh, finally.

What did he say?

My biological clock is out of whack.

I left it here to get adjusted.

Will you be all right without it?

Of course I will.

I just may experience some...

Irrational moments!

But then i'’ll be fine.

Excuse me. Could I get a refill?

No. Finish what you'’ve got.

It'’s cold.

Swallow it, or be flogged!

Okay, i'’m out of here.

Thanks for coming. Tell your friends.

Hilda, are you okay?

You seem a little... Moodier than usual.

Everything'’s fine, but I appreciate your concern.

Or is it concern?

Perhaps you'’re hoping that i'’ll croak

so you can take over the coffeehouse.

Do you need a refill, honey?

What does a nervous breakdown look like?

Oh, aunt hilda'’s not having a nervous breakdown.

She'’s having...

Mechanical difficulties.

Yeah, i'’ll say.

She'’s got more loose screws than home depot.

If I Don'’t get that clock back today

I am gonna off somebody!

Okay, maybe she is.

Aunt hilda... Hey, why Don'’t I go by the hospital

and see if your clock'’s ready to be picked up.

Why?! You think I can'’t handle it?

No, not at all.

Hide the sharp utensils.

Drive safe, honey.

Hi. I'’m here to pick up a package for hilda spellman.

I have a lot of packages.

Do you have a claim check?

Sorry. She forgot to give me one.

She'’s been majorly nutso all week.

Mm-hmm, biological clock.

I got it right here.

Careful, it'’s wet.

Thanks. I'’m grateful and grossed out at the same time.

Hey, where'’s my aunt?

She went home...

Two seconds before all of Boston showed up.

Okay, i'’ve just got to get this to her.

I'’ll be back in ten minutes.

Wait, Sabrina, before you go, could you

take these over to table four?

Sure.

Thanks. You'’re a lifesaver.

Dental floss, a hairbrush

a Jacqueline susann novel?

Oh, my gosh!

Somebody took my aunt hilda'’s biological clock!

This is a nightmare; One of the worst things

that has ever, ever happened!

What happened?

Somebody stole my aunt'’s clock.

Okay, people, I need your attention.

We have a crisis...

An emergency situation.

A clock has been lost!

[ Laughter]

Josh, have you seen anybody with a bag that looks like this?

A half dozen people, but I Don'’t see

what the big deal is; It'’s just a clock.

You Don'’t understand.

That clock is a big part of my aunt hilda'’s life.

In fact, it'’s a big part of my aunt hilda.

Got to go.

Oh, thank goodness, you'’re home.

What happened to your head?

Hilda bit me.

It was my fault, though.

I said hello to her when she walked in.

Hilda'’s been acting insane

since they took out that clock.

Please, tell me that'’s it.

It'’d better be.

I'’ve lost enough blood.

Uh, about the clock...

Don'’t tell me you Don'’t have it.

Okay.

Yuck! I'’ve been gargling for an hour

and I can still taste cat.

[ Gasps]

My clock is home! My clock is home!

Let'’s have a clock party.

[ Lively music plays]

Bag, please.

[ Music stops]

Valley of the dolls?

A timeless classic, not unlike the hairbrush.

Where'’s my clock?

Well, it'’s kind of a funny story.

See, um, someone walked off with it.

Salem: Lord, have mercy!

A stranger is walking around town

with my biological clock?!

Okay, maybe it'’s not so funny, but, um, you know what?

I'’ll get you a new one, I promise.

Where? At the biological clock store?

Is there one?

Sabrina, a witch is only issued one biological clock.

If she loses it, it can have serious ramifications.

That'’s right.

What are they?

She has to find a man and get pregnant

in the next 48 hours

or she'’ll never be able to conceive a child.

Oh, my god!

I'’m so sorry, aunt hilda.

Just because of me, you might end up

childless and miserable the rest of your life!

[ Whining]

Oh, way to cheer her up.

I suggest you find that bag.

Forget the bag!

Help me find a man!

I need a bun in the oven, and I need it now!

And when I walked back over here

my aunt'’s clock was gone.

All right, let me get this straight.

I just left a triple homicide to look for some lady'’s clock?

It'’s not just anyclock.

It'’s very... unique.

What'’s it do, sing a song?

"Take me out to the ball game," maybe?

[ Sighs]

Look, my aunt'’s just very attached to it, okay?

Oh, got you.

I'’ll put every precinct on it.

I'’ll call in the national guard.

We'’ll call it "clockwatch: 2001."

You know, I get the impression

you'’re not taking this seriously.

You'’re a very perceptive young lady.

Also make a nice corn muffin.

Thanks.

So, what i'’m asking you is

did anyone come in and buy a hairbrush, dental floss

and a Jacqueline susann novel?

Yes.

Great. Who?

Well, about a hundred people.

They'’re on special this week.

Oh, my!

The things that go on in that valley.

Well, hilda, you look beautiful.

Well, if I want to meet a man, get married

and have a baby in the next two days

I have to look my best.

Hilda, you'’ve been trying to find a man for 600 years.

What makes you think

you'’re going to find one in two days?

[ Doorbell rings]

I zapped an ad in the newspaper.

There'’s my husband-to-be.

Come on in, boys.

Take a number.

Hilda!

You obviously weren'’t very specific.

Well, maybe I shouldn'’t have put in "marriage or best offer."

[ Chiming]

Oh, there'’s the linen closet.

I also put an ad in the other realm register.

Coming, sweethearts.

So, Eugene, why are you interested

in filling the position of my husband?

I figured it was time to settle down.

I'’ve been having too much fun.

Well, that'’s obvious.

I'’ve had a rich and exciting life as a pharmacist...

Filling prescriptions and whatnot.

Time to fill the void in my life.

"Void."

Okay. Anything else I should know?

I like to make people laugh.

And how exactly do you do that?

Oh, I give them something to smile about.

Which would be...?

Anything to put a grin on their face

and make a happy expression.

Such as...?

An amusing comment, uh, uh

to tickle their funny bone.

Okay, we'’re done.

Thanks for coming.

[ Sighs]

All right, who'’s next?

That'’s it.

What are you talking about?

The last time I looked, there were at least

20 schmoes out here who could have been my soul mate.

I sent every one of them home.

What you'’re doing is completely absurd.

Sister, I have not even touched the tip of the iceberg.

Congratulations.

Despite your flair for humor

we'’re engaged.

You'’re kidding!

Only by your standards.

All right, let'’s have children.

We'’re having them; End of discussion.

Hilda! I feel the same way.

I'’m telling you

we'’re going to have one lucky baby.

You know why?

'’cause that kid'’s going to have a daddy

who wants to make him laugh.

I'’d ask why i'’m not laughing

but I have no time.

All right, I love you.

Let'’s get the license and a preacher.

Hilda, you can'’t marry this man.

He'’s a total stranger.

For all you know, he'’s a... a professional gigolo.

I'’ll take my chances.

Don'’t mind her.

She'’s just jealous.

'’course she'’s jealous.

You know why?

She doesn'’t have a man to bring hilarity to her life.

You must want a baby really bad.

Man, oh, man, I must have gone through

over a hundred receipts of that drugstore

trying to track down anyone who bought a hairbrush

dental floss, and a cheesy novel.

Find anything?

Yeah, Judith krantz...

Hotter than ever.

Nobody put their phone numbers down

on their credit card receipts.

How am I going to find that clock?

Sabrina!

You'’ll never guess what your aunt'’s about to do.

Five bucks says it involves a clock.

She'’s getting married.

Right now, at city hall.

Oh, no, I got to find that clock!

Either that or a large sack of rice.

Hold on. I know those vows are in here somewhere.

Take your time.

You'’ve got 50 seconds.

So, how many children do you want?

Three. One of each.

[ Men laughing]

Told you I like to make people laugh.

40 seconds.

"Dearly beloved, we are gathered..."

Skip that part. We know the back story.

"Do you...?"

Hilda spellman.

Thank you. "Take...?"

Eugene luffersweiler.

Are you serious?

Go on.

"to be your lawfully wedded

husband, to have and to hold...?" I do.

Don'’t you dare!

Hello. Trying to engage in holy matrimony here.

Judge, you cannot marry these two people.

They-they Don'’t even know each other.

Oh, i'’m not a judge, i'’m a clerk.

I'’d like to be a judge though.

Sabrina: Did you hear what she said?

You'’re about to marry two people who Don'’t even know each other.

Is that true?

Yes. Okay, it'’s true.

I decided to take the plunge with a stranger

whose last name I can'’t even pronounce.

The truth is, i'’m tired of waiting around

for my knight in shining armor

who apparently has other things to do.

Well, guess what?!

So do I!

Like, live my life, start a family

try to create a little happiness for myself.

So, Eugene and I haven'’t talked

about where we grew up or went to college

or how difficult it is

to get an actual human being

on the line at ticketmaster.

But I know in my heart that Eugene is a decent person

while probably not perfect

is at least... alive

and that is good enough for me.

Wow!

I never knew you felt that way about me.

Aunt hilda...

I love you too much to let you rush into something

especially something as important as marriage

and having a baby.

You should have all the time in the world

to find the right guy, so...

That'’s why i'’m going to give you my clock.

Oh, Sabrina.

I can'’t let you do that.

Please? You have to.

Sabrina, if I take your clock

then you'’ll never be able to have children.

Boy, that must be some clock.

Oh, but they'’re doing wonderful things with science today.

Eugene, i'’m sorry, but in light of what'’s happened

I can'’t go through with the ceremony.

Hilda!

This is so unlike you!

I'’m just guessing.

You'’ll be fine.

You'’ll make another woman laugh.

Oh, I like to make people laugh.

Well, then, for god'’s sake, just do it!

Sabrina, guess what I found.

[ Gasping]: The clock!

None other.

Where on earth did it turn up?

The coffeehouse.

The person who accidentally took it brought it back.

She must have spilled something on it '’cause it'’s a little wet.

Smells like a chalupa.

Thank you.

I believe this belongs to me.

See you.

Oddly enough, this isn'’t the first time i'’ve been left

for a small appliance.

[ Chuckling]

You really are funny.

That wasn'’t a joke.

[ Salem moaning]

Uh, uh, oh, hi, hildy.

You remember Sally o'’brien?

My friend Sally now has whiskers and a tail?

Salem couldn'’t turn into a person

so I met him halfway.

Sally, I can'’t believe you would

turn yourself into a cat.

What could she possibly see in you?

"I like to make people laugh."

I know i'’mlaughing.

Put me down!

Sally and I have tickets to cats.

[ Door opens, rattling]