Original subtitles

"Happy holidays from the York family."

Roxie: More like the dork family.

What'’s it about Christmas that makes people

want to wear matching outfits?

The Yorks dress alike for every holiday.

Last St. Patrick'’s day they were all leprechauns...

Cute on the baby, disturbing on everyone else.

Speaking of disturbing...

Josh can'’t come home with me for Christmas.

His family is dragging him to Aruba

to stay at some five-star resort on the beach.

Poor thing, he'’ll be pining for me all week.

Well, time for another joyous, uplifting hanukah

with my family.

Ooh, I almost forgot my antacid.

I'’ve never been to a hanukah celebration.

What does your family do?

We light candles, spin the dreidel

and then 12 people attack a helpless brisket.

Better take the imodium a-d.

Well, i'’m off to my parents'’...

Unless i'’m abducted by aliens on the way...

God willing.

So, roxie, what'’s your family doing for Christmas?

The usual... We put up an aluminum tree

get takeout from taco bell

and then I watch my dad and stepmom

exchange cartons of Winston lights.

Your family exchanges cigarettes?

Hey, it'’s just not Christmas

without a visit from jolly old St. nicotine.

Oh, I guess I should feel thankful.

Next to these guys

Christmas with my family seems so normal.

I wish mine did.

Just once i'’d like to have

the perfect white Christmas in the country...

Ski chalet in Vermont, sleigh rides, roasted goose

cutting down your own tree.

Throw in some homemade pfeffernuss

and you just described Christmas with my family.

Wow, nothing says "Christmas" like goose and pfeffernuss.

Hey, why Don'’t you come with me?

Oh, it would be so great to have a friend along.

Oh, i'’d love to, but I can'’t.

I always spend Christmas with my aunts

and this year it'’s our turn to host

a huge celebration for all our relatives.

That sounds like a lot of fun, too.

"Fun," "insane"... it'’s such a fine line in my house.

Well, if you change your mind about Vermont

you'’re always welcome.

Merry Christmas, Sabrina!

We can'’t wait to see you at your house.

Love, uncle olaf and aunt dottie.

[ Chuckles]

Care for a sneak preview of my blubber mold?

Oh, no, thanks.

I want to have something to look forward to.

Ooh, blubber.

♪ Life'’s changing around me, and i'’m gonna make it mine ♪

♪ i'’m reaching out and living by my rules... ♪

♪ Time'’s moving way too fast ♪

♪ I wanna make it last...

♪ '’cause i'’m out on my own now ♪

♪ and I like the way it feels.

Taste this.

Mmm...

Eggy and nutmeggy

with a slight aftertaste of... wart?

It'’s legnog.

The secret is to use

fresh gremlin legs... Never frozen.

No, the secret is to ask what'’s on the spoon

before I let you stick it in my mouth.

I think i'’ve finally got our sleeping arrangements

while our guests are here.

Hilda, you'’ll be bunking with me

and Salem, you'’re sleeping under the stairs

with cousin ira.

Anybody but that creepy little elf.

What do you have against ira?

[A] He stabs me with his pointy ears

[and b] He likes to watch me when I clean myself.

All: Ew!

Mm-hmm.

Sabrina, you'’ll double up

with the sugar plum fairy.

Just what I need:

A twinkle toes and a sugar rush

who grinds her teeth all night.

Hey, now, this is no time to be a gloomy Gus.

The holidays are upon us.

We'’re going to have a wonderful Christmas.

Yeah, a wonderful Christmas.

♪ Jingle bells, jingle bells, jingle all the way ♪

♪ oh, what fun it is to ride in a one-horse open sleigh, hey! ♪

Morgan, look, baby deer.

Oh, they'’re so cute.

This is what I call the perfect Christmas.

And this is what I call the perfect Christmas presents.

Hello, ladies.

Oh, apparently, Santa got my list.

We'’ll see you on the slopes tomorrow

right after we have

our perfect Christmas dinner

with roast goose, cranberry stuffing

and eggnog.

Whoo-hoo! I love eggnog.

Hilda: It'’s "legnog"... try it again.

I added a soupcon of webbed feet.

Oh, aunt hilda, aunt Zelda...

Would you guys mind if I wasn'’t here

for Christmas this year?

Dibs on bunking with the fairy!

Sabrina, what are you talking about?

Morgan'’s family invited me to go skiing with them.

As much as i'’d miss you guys, i'’d really like to go.

Well, Sabrina, if you want to be

with Morgan'’s family at Christmas, we'’ll understand.

We will?

Well, Sabrina shouldn'’t be here

just because she feels obligated.

She shouldn'’t?

That'’s why we'’re here.

Thanks, aunt Zelda. I knew you'’d understand.

I got to go call Morgan.

I can'’t believe Sabrina

doesn'’t want to be with family at Christmas!

Well, she'’s in college now, meeting new friends.

She doesn'’t want to be with her boring, old aunties

when she could be off shushing down the slopes.

I say our little sabrini

has forgotten the true meaning of Christmas

which reminds me, this year i'’d like sturgeon and cash.

Welcome to a Cavanaugh Christmas.

We'’re here!

Wow, it'’s even more perfect

than I pictured!

You wouldn'’t have cute baby deer

running around, would you?

Hi!

Even better.

I'’m Morgan'’s brother, chip.

This is Sabrina.

Hello! Hi!

My mom and dad.

Hi. Hi.

Wow, it'’s great to meet you.

I hope you Don'’t mind me tagging along.

I mean, she just made your Christmas sound so perfect.

Well, it will be

now that you'’re joining us.

How about a cup of mulled cider?

Thanks... you Don'’t by any chance

have those little cinnamon thingees to stir it?

What do you think?

Sabrina, make yourself at home.

If there'’s anything you need, just holler.

I wouldn'’t want to do that...

Might wake myself up.

If anybody'’s interested

i'’ve got the tree all ready to decorate.

Oh, or maybe you'’d like to do

something more relaxing like roast chestnuts...?

On an open fire...

With Jack frost nipping at my nose?

Pace yourself.

You Don'’t want to peak

before we deck the halls.

Dad: Hey, chip.

Why Don'’t you help the girls

with their luggage?

With pleasure.

Come on.

Oh, it doesn'’t get any better than this.

Wow, it does get even better.

See you downstairs.

I'’d like that.

I mean, uh... Yeah, sure.

You can put your clothes in the closet

and the bathroom'’s through there.

Come on, I want to show you the view from my room.

Your brother'’s really cute.

Is he dating anybody?

No... for some reason

he just can'’t seem to find the right girl.

Oh, maybe the right girl just needs to find him.

[ Grunting]

It'’s been a long ride.

I need to freshen up.

I still say if we had tied a tether to Sabrina'’s back

she couldn'’t have abandoned us at Christmas

and we could have had a vigorous game of tether ball.

Christmas won'’t be the same without her.

We'’ll have to reconfigure the seating arrangements.

Just Don'’t put blitzen near the liquor cabinet.

They Don'’t call him that for nothing.

You know, I can'’t find the dish I use

for my emu casserole.

I lent it to Sabrina.

I'’ll go get it.

Even though the last thing I want to do

is get stuck in the holiday rush.

Oh... it'’s madness out there.

All right, where is that dish?

[ Clattering]

Whoever you are, i'’m warning you, I have a black belt!

Roxie?

Okay, it'’s charcoal

but it goes with the shoes.

Hilda, what are you doing here?

And what'’s with your hair?

A better question is: What are youdoing here?

Sabrina said you were at home enjoying

a delightful Christmas involving cigarettes.

I lied. I'’m not going.

Well, roxie, Don'’t you want

to spend Christmas with your family?

And eat lukewarm chalupas

while listening to my parents cough up a lung?

Pass.

Well, you can'’t spend Christmas

sitting here all by yourself.

I'’ll be fine.

I Don'’t want anyone feeling sorry for me...

Oh, you poor, pathetic dear.

Like that.

Oh, if only I could freeze this moment.

Actually, I can, but that would be kind of creepy.

Mom: Oh, Sabrina would you

like to help me with the cookies?

I can use a hand.

And i'’ve got two.

Baking cookies at christmastime

is one of my favorite things to do.

Well, isn'’t that nice?

Of course, you'’re not expected

to stay in the kitchen 365 days a year...

Like a dutiful wife

trapped behind her apron!

Uh, maybe i'’ll just go see

how chip'’s doing with those lights.

Hey, need any help?

Another one of my favorite things

to do at christmastime is untangle lights.

Knock yourself out.

Uh, so, uh...

Morgan tells me that you'’re pre-med at Harvard.

That'’s great.

The truth is, I dropped out two years ago

but I haven'’t told my parents

because I want those checks to keep coming.

Keep that under your hat.

No problem, as long as you promise not to do anything

ending in "-ectomy" or "-urgery."

Hey, you want to know another secret?

No. One'’s enough for me.

So, can I do anything?

Stupid thing won'’t light!

Mom: I'’ll tell you what you could do.

You can show iron- deficient John over here

how to split a log.

Any idiot knows you have to split a log

if you want it to burn.

Oh, i'’ll burn something for you.

I'’ll burn this whole house to the ground!

Note to self: Check smoke detector in my bedroom.

Okay, I just have to go talk to Zelda for a quick minute... stay, sit.

I'’m not a dog.

I know... I just Don'’t want you to run away...

Or chew anything up.

"Line pan with emu mixture

then top with cream of mushroom soup and durkee'’s fried onions."

Hi. Oh, good, you brought the casserole dish.

That'’s not the only thing I brought.

I found roxie hiding out at Sabrina'’s house

so I invited her to spend Christmas with us.

What?! Are you mad?

We have relatives coming

from the other realm.

And a poor, pathetic girl from this realm

who has nowhere to go on Christmas.

She'’s sitting out there like a dog.

You know what?

We could tell the relatives

to move the celebration to aunt Ruby'’s

and you and I could give roxie

a traditional, mortal Christmas.

Great... now we just have to figure out what that is.

Wow, it'’s beautiful!

Except for that one crooked icicle...

Courtesy of my inept husband.

There, now it'’s perfect.

Thanks, Sabrina.

Look, I know my family'’s a little nuts.

Don'’t worry about it.

You want to see an assortment of nuts

come over to my house.

That'’s it.

Why does your dad have the extinguisher?

All right, you whiny bunch of choirboys!

I'’ll give you a real "silent night"!

Okay, your family wins first prize

in the crazy contest.

Well, your father'’s at it again.

Early new year'’s resolution...

Have him committed!

Oh, will you excuse me?

It'’s usually my job to calm down the police.

Okay, this is officially not the perfect Christmas.

Salem: Bah humbug!

Salem, what are you doing here?

I couldn'’t stand the thought of cousin ira staring at me

so I stowed away in your suitcase.

By the by, you might want

to run a lint brush over your unmentionables.

Salem, you can'’t stay here.

You weren'’t invited.

Nobody invited the wise man.

[ Gasps]

Rum balls!

You'’re so out of here.

Hey...

Where did the cat come from?

Oh, he'’s mine. I'’m sorry.

He, uh, stowed away.

I mean, he accidentally ended up in my luggage.

Don'’t worry, i'’m sending him home now.

But it'’s over 200 miles

and it'’s freezing out there.

Oh, he'’ll be fine.

Didn'’t you see the incredible journey?

Animals do that kind of thing all the time.

Let him stay. I love cats.

But what about the rest of your family?

I mean, your father can barely tolerate the carolers

let alone...

Chip?

Dude?

These are all foods mortals love at christmastime.

Candy cane, fruitcake and eggnog.

I still Don'’t know why they leave out the leg.

That'’s what gives it the kick.

Roxie, here'’s your tray of traditional Christmas goodies.

For me?

Thanks.

They smell great.

Fabulous recipe...

Got it from mortal Christmas for dummies.

"Mortal Christmas"?

"More till Christmas"

and even more till new year'’s.

Better take your tray upstairs.

You Don'’t want to be awake when Santa arrives.

Wouldn'’t want to do that.

You guys are so cute!

Well, unless we want to be up all night

we'’d better get those presents under the tree.

Whew, i'’m exhausted.

Thank goodness, Christmas comes just once a year.

Mm-hmm.

What a nightmare.

If I wanted to see a freak show

I would have stayed at home.

I'’ll give you a nightmare:

A full-grown man staring at you

for three hours without blinking.

Still, it'’s got to be crazier back at my aunt'’s house.

♪ Deck the halls with boughs of Holly ♪

♪ fa la la la la la la la...

Where is everybody?

There are no drunken reindeer

no... no... no hypoglycemic fairies.

No cousin ira!

[ Exasperated sigh]

I can'’t believe it.

The one year I decide to go away

and they have a perfect, normal Christmas.

Let'’s blow this loony log cabin.

But Morgan invited me.

What excuse will I give her?

We hated here.

You write the note, i'’ll pack.

Got it.

[ Knock at door]

Hey, Sabrina, I just wanted to apologize for my family.

Oh, no need.

You know, your family'’s... No need.

I thought that if I brought a friend up here

they might actually behave themselves.

Apparently, I was... mistaken.

Morgan, you won'’t have to worry about that much longer.

I know, I know... Christmas will be over tomorrow night.

Thank you for putting up with all this.

There is no way that I could get through the next 24 hours

without a good friend like you.

Well, good night.

Good night.

[ Door closes]

You'’d better start bathing now.

I hear that chip wakes up really early.

[ Groans]

Merry Christmas, hilda.

Merry Christmas, Zelda.

Listen to us.

Both: We sound like mortals.

[ Giggling]

Merry Christmas, roxie.

Merry Christmas.

Wow, I guess Santa did show up last night.

Yep, and he brought you all these presents.

Really?

Well, except for that one.

That one'’s for me.

No, i'’m kidding... They'’re all for you.

I could definitely get into this holiday.

Thank you, Sabrina.

Oh, this is so pretty.

Well, you'’re always borrowing mine

so I bought you your own.

Then I guess I should give you yours back.

Uh, mom, open the present I got you.

If you'’re not too looped on the rum balls.

Only way to survive Christmas with you.

I hope you like it.

I think it'’ll look really good on you.

Oh, well, this... Not exactly my color.

Ooh, that fabric is itchy, wow.

Doesn'’t matter... all she ever wears to bed

is sweat suits, anyway.

And she'’s still cold as ice.

Well, I think it'’ll look beautiful on you.

What do you think, chip?

What is he staring at?

I'’m not doing anything.

That guy'’s wacko.

Where are you going, little kitty?

Uh, dad?

Yeah.

This is from me.

I think it'’s something that you'’ll really enjoy.

Ooh, I hope it'’s a log-splitter.

Or, better yet, a real man to split them.

Ha, ha!

Hey!

Wow, a signed Carl yastrzemski picture.

That'’s so cool.

I looked all over town for it.

I know what a big Red Sox fan you are.

Doesn'’t look like an original signature.

Of course, how would you know you were getting ripped off

with a cheap reproduction?

Boy, they saw you coming.

I guess I can'’t do anything right.

Of course you can.

That'’s a very thoughtful gift

and a very flattering picture of yaz.

I hope you kept the receipt.

Why does she do that every time she gives me a gift?

Well, it might have something to do

with the way you say thank you.

I'’m going to go get some air.

Come on, Salem.

The cat stays here.

Hey.

You okay?

[ Sighs]

I am suchan idiot.

I keep fooling myself into thinking that one year

I am actually going to have a normal Christmas.

Yeah, well, normal is relative.

Yeah, too bad my relatives aren'’t normal.

Well, they'’re not the most appreciative bunch, but...

Well, you know, I thought the nightgown was beautiful

and the autographed picture...

Totally awesome.

I should'’ve given them to you.

[ Exasperated groan]

No matter how hard I try

all my parents do is criticize.

Have you ever spoken to them

about the way they treat you?

Yeah, like that would do a lot of good.

You know, Morgan, I Don'’t mean to butt in

but before you write this Christmas off

maybe you should go in there

and tell them how you feel.

And i'’m not just saying that

because my tongue is starting to freeze to my teeth.

What'’s the worst that could happen?

Dad could spray me with the fire extinguisher.

So you'’re wet and foamy

but you'’ve started a dialogue.

Sabrina, I really appreciate your trying to help

but I just... I want to get through this

and get out of here

with whatever dignity I have left.

[ Squeaking]

You'’re not the only one.

Dirges and funeral marches of the middle ages?

Tell me it has "grieg'’s elegy" on it.

The original and the remastered dance mix.

You guys are the best.

I'’ve got something for you, too.

Oh, presents for us?

It'’s nothing, really.

I didn'’t have much time to shop.

Lotto tickets and...

Gatorade.

When I snuck out at midnight

7-Eleven was the only place open.

I love gatorade.

I'’ve tried to make my own, but it'’s never smooth.

Perhaps i'’m using the wrong kind of gators.

Hey, you guys Don'’t have to make a big deal about the gifts.

I... I know they'’re not much.

It'’s not the gifts that are important

it'’s the thought behind them.

And you sneaking into that 7-Eleven speaks volumes.

Mom: Oh, no, no, Sabrina.

We can save that.

Why waste money on gift wrap

when we can use it again and again?

Oh, i'’m starting to understand

how you'’re able to afford this chalet.

Morgan, you find that receipt for the yastrzemski picture?

I didn'’t keep it.

What do you mean, you threw it away?

Dad, I thought that was the one gift you wouldn'’t return.

Well, I certainly can'’t now.

Morgan, Morgan, watch it!

You'’re crinkling perfectly good gift wrap.

Oh, great... you'’ve ruined it.

Oh, give me a break!

It is a piece of gift wrap.

You'’ve been using it since 1986.

Morgan, what'’s gotten into you?

All you two do is criticize.

Well, I Don'’t deserve it

and... and... and I Don'’t have to take it anymore.

And I finally realized that

thanks to my good friend, Sabrina.

Got to go.

Oh, but before I do

I just want to say one thing.

All Morgan is trying to do

is have a nice Christmas with her family

but you guys treat her terribly

and you Don'’t treat each other very nicely, either.

If you can'’t be nice at Christmas

I Don'’t even want to know what goes on here at easter.

Come on, Salem.

We'’re out of here.

No!

Don'’t take the cat.

I thought we were having a nice Christmas.

Well, so did I.

Aunts: ♪ troll the ancient yuletide Carol ♪

♪ fa, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la. ♪

Roxie!

You'’re singing?

No, i'’m not.

I was just clearing my throat.

[ Clears throat]: Fa, la, la, la, la, la... la.

What are you doing here?

I found her hiding at your house

so I invited her to spend Christmas with us.

What are you doing here?

Yeah, we thought you were having

the perfect Christmas with Morgan'’s family.

Well, perfect is relative

and compared to them, my relatives are perfect.

We'’re glad you'’re home, honey.

Oh, merry Christmas, sweetheart.

I can'’t believe you'’d want to spend the holidays

anywhere else.

Your aunts knock themselves out

when it comes to Christmas.

Blitzen!

Didn'’t you get my e-mail about the change of plan?

Wow, a real reindeer.

You guys are amazing.

I'’m coming here again next year.

Yeah, well, if you'’re looking for the perfect Christmas

everything you need is here: Friends, family, reindeer...

Lotto tickets.

Oh! I won.

I'’m going to the liquor store to get my two dollars.

Blitzen, I believe you know the way.

Don'’t you just love Christmas?

Sabrina, your aunts are so generous.

Yeah, that'’ll teach me to leave at Christmas time.

Hey, what'’s all this?

My mother packed us a few leftovers.

We have enough potato latkes and brisket

to clog all the arteries of everyone in new england.

Sabrina, I just got off the phone with my dad.

You will be happy to know

that he is not returning the yastrzemski picture, after all.

He decided to put it on his desk at work.

That'’s fantastic.

You know, you really made

an impression on my family.

In fact, they want you to come back next Christmas.

That is so... Not going to happen.

I totally understand.

Oh, but chip says anytime you need a cat-sitter...

[ Yowls]

Also, not going to happen.

Yeah.