Original subtitles

Okay, thanks for coming...

and thanks even more for going.

Finally, the riff-raff has left the building.

And the moon io is comprised mainly

of ice crystals and sulfur dioxide.

Wow, i'’ve never met anyone who knows

so much about Jupiter.

It'’s like you'’ve been there.

Three summers in a row.

Yoo-hoo!

The sign says coffeehouse, not boardinghouse.

Let'’s pack it up, big guy.

Excuse my aunt.

She didn'’t get the subtlety chromosome.

That'’s okay. I'’ve got to get going anyway.

But how about we finish up this tutoring session

over pasta Saturday night?

Oh, i'’d love to.

I can explain the difference between apogee and Linguini.

Something tells me one of those isn'’t a noodle.

Okay, junior, bust a move.

Sabrina, grab a mop and start cleaning up.

I'’m trying to make a midnight movie.

See you Saturday.

Named after saturn.

Quick question:

Are you deliberately trying to ruin my dating life?

First of all, he asked you out

and secondly, I Don'’t have to try to ruin dates.

I have a natural gift for it.

Oh, well, we'’re all special in our own way.

I have ten minutes to get to rocky horror

and I still have to change into my costume.

Wait, I love rocky horror.

Can I come with you?

Uh, if you can clean up this whole place in 30 seconds.

Way more time than I need.

Sabrina, I forgot to get your number, and I wanted...

Whoa, what happened?

Two seconds ago this place was a mess.

Oh, well, I am a whiz with a mop.

Yeah, uh, I was a little nervous

asking you out in the first place

because you'’re smarter than me.

I got a hunch you'’re better at everything...

Let'’s just forget about Saturday.

Talk about low self-esteem.

Who does he remind me of?

Oh, yeah... me.

He was cute, too.

Why did I have to do magic and scare him off?

I guess I inherited that date-killer gene, too.

On the upside, it'’s the same gene that lets us do this.

Freaky.

♪ Life'’s changing around me, and i'’m gonna make it mine ♪

♪ i'’m reaching out and living by my rules... ♪

♪ Time'’s moving way too fast ♪

♪ I wanna make it last...

♪ '’cause i'’m out on my own now ♪

♪ and I like the way it feels.

Umm, oh, my tooth!

Silence, wench!

I'’m trying to read Liz Smith.

Apparently the material girl really digs that kabala.

I appreciate your concern.

Well, i'’d give you the name of my dentist

but you'’d have to get neutered at the same time.

Thanks, but I have an appointment with Dr. Axelrod

in the other realm.

Could you pick up some whitening solution

for my incisors?

I have a better idea.

Why Don'’t you cut back on the double Espresso?

Please! I quit smoking.

This is all I have left.

Morning. How was rocky horror?

I got rice in my hair and toast in my bustier.

Huge success.

But I Don'’t think Sabrina enjoyed herself.

Didn'’t get any food in her nightie?

She was obsessing over this mortal guy.

You know the story:

Boy meets girl, girl uses magic

boy dumps girl.

Girl goes to rocky horror with aunt.

Aunt sits on melted raisinettes.

Aunt changes seats.

Aunt sits on guy in garter belts...

Hello.

Back to Sabrina?

I just wish she could find a nice witch to go out with.

It'’s so tricky dating mortals.

Mortals?

It'’s tricky dating anything with a pulse.

Plants, i'’m good with.

Ah... how are things in the mortal realm?

Ahh... ahh...

You know, my son, Derek

goes to school in the mortal realm.

Boston college... He'’s on a hockey scholarship.

[ Moaning]

Why he had to go to school in the mortal realm is beyond me.

He could'’ve gone to school here

found himself a nice witch and settled down.

[ Screaming]

Good-looking kid, huh?

Ahh...

I really appreciate you guys letting me come home

and take a few leftovers.

You left the baking soda.

Was that intentional?

I'’m back.

Salem, here'’s your whitening solution.

Oh, and the dentist happened to throw in some mouthwash.

How helpful for my h-halitosis!

Sabrina, I see you'’re doing your weekly shopping.

Yeah, and now all I need

is a cute guy to help me carry this to the car.

Well, you'’re in luck.

Dr. Axelrod happened to mention

that he has a terrific, good-looking son

who'’s going to school right here in Boston.

Not interested.

He'’s smart, athletic, and best of all, he'’s a witch.

Still not interested.

Sabrina, if you date a witch

you'’ll have a lot in common.

I'’m guessing there'’ll be magic between you two.

Look, it'’s not the witch part.

It'’s the fix-up part that scares me.

Let'’s hope he'’s not a homely, horrendous hooligan.

Oh, hold him down.

I'’m going in.

[ Moaning]

Hey, sorry i'’m late.

Morgan and I spent the afternoon ice-skating.

It was a blast.

So let'’s recap.

You left early last night fora date.

You'’re coming in late froma date.

What'’s next, would you like me to pay you to go out ona date?

Oh, man, that would be fantastic.

Work!

Excuse me, i'’m looking for Sabrina spellman.

You a cop?

Sorry, i'’m Sabrina.

I'’m Derek axelrod.

My father'’s the one keeping your aunt Zelda up at night.

Excuse me?

He'’s doing her root canal.

Oh, so you'’re the smart

handsome, athletic dentist'’s son.

And you'’re the professor'’s niece who'’s perfect for me.

Oh, i'’m sorry.

My aunt can be so pushy.

Actually, my dad'’s the one who pushed.

But for once i'’m glad he did.

I have a hard time meeting cool witches.

Yeah, well, there are no clubs on campus.

Talk about your unrepresented minorities.

Hey, who'’s that guy talking to Sabrina?

Hilda: More importantly

does he have an older brother?

Or a twin?

Aunt hilda, this is Derek axelrod.

Oh, the dentist'’s son!

Isn'’t it sweet how Zelda'’s rotten molars brought you two together?

Together?

Oh, and this is Josh.

So, Derek, you go to school around here?

Yeah, i'’m on a hockey scholarship at bc.

Wow, you must be really good.

Now, i'’ve heard that a lot of hockey players

wind up losing all their teeth

and then they have to hire someone to chew their food.

Hilda: I have an idea.

Why Don'’t you and I go for a walk

and you can remind me why I hired you.

So, Derek, can I get you anything? Coffee, tea...?

How about a date?

Well, it'’s not on the menu

but lucky for you, it'’s on special today.

That must be Derek.

Do you like my Pearl earrings?

Very much so.

Do you like my pearly whites?

Oh...

Well, if I ever get my sight back

i'’ll let you know.

Hi.hi.

Oh, flowers... And sample floss.

My dad wanted you to have it.

Oh, well, nothing says romance like unwaxed.

I'’ll just put these in some water.

Salem: Young man!

If I might have a word with you.

I'’m not her father

and I Don'’t care how late you keep her out.

However, table scraps would be appreciated.

Oh, just ignore Salem.

Everyone else does.

Salem saberhagen?

The one and only.

Oh, man, it'’s great to meet you.

You'’re a legend in the other realm.

Really?

I thought your generation had forgotten me.

Lord knows we try.

Derek: Hey, the world

would be a much greater place

if Salem saberhagen were in the emperor'’s seat.

Tell a friend!

Derek, are you ready to go?

Yeah, in a second.

My dad always said you got a bum rap

and he'’s on the witch'’s council.

The witch'’s council?

Hey, how about you dump the broad

and we throw back a couple of brewskies?

I'’m buying.

Oh! If you want to keep the beautiful smile

I suggest you take your lips off my date'’s butt.

Let'’s go.

And there was the time my aunts were making a potion

and the mortal I was dating thought it was soup and tried some.

We had a hard time convincing him

that everyone'’s tongue occasionally grows hair.

[ Laughing]: Been there.

One time, on a date with a mortal

I let it slip that my dead ancestors

were coming in for my family reunion.

Suddenly, the date was as dead as my uncle Murray.

You know, it'’s so nice not having to watch what I say.

If I had this conversation with a mortal

he'’d totally freak out.

Not that I have anything against mortals.

I mean, my mother'’s a mortal.

Oh, you'’re half-mortal?

Yeah, something wrong?

No, i'’m just a little surprised.

You seem like such a total witch.

That'’s so sweet.

Everything has been going so great with Derek.

Last week we went hiking on the moon.

Yesterday we went to the best seafood place in Atlantis.

Oh, and look what he gave me.

That'’s a mighty big scallop.

No, it'’s a hockey puck.

Derek scored the winning goal with this.

In my day

a gentleman showed his affection

by bringing you a vial of frankincense.

I guess the times, they are a-changing.

Sounds like things are going pretty well

between you and Derek.

He'’s taking me home tonight

to meet his parents for dinner.

Ooh!

Thanks for introducing us.

Both: You'’re welcome.

Exactly what did you have to do

with them getting together?

They met at my coffeehouse.

After I set them up at my dentist'’s office.

And why were you at the dentist?

Because I cracked my tooth

on one of your stale biscottis.

I rest my case.

Here it is.

I Don'’t know why

but i'’m a little nervous.

What if your parents Don'’t like me?

Of course they'’re going to like you.

What'’s not to like?

Gotta like that.

Hey, can I ask you a favor?

Yeah, sure.

Do you mind not mentioning to my parents

that you'’re half-mortal?

They'’re a little funny

about stuff like that.

Hey, it'’s the kids!

Lauren, stop cleaning already.

The kids are here.

Tell them to come on in.

It'’s freezing out there.

Oh, good idea.

My liability insurance doesn'’t cover frozen girlfriends.

[ Both parents laugh]

Mmm, brazed dragon...

May I have more bread, please?

Hey, you'’re not going to eat your skin?

Oh, the scales get stuck in my teeth.

Ah, sounds like a flosser.

Sabrina, has anyone ever told you

you have a perfect bite?

No, but I get a lot of compliments on my bark.

[ Laughter]

Whoa, she'’s got a sense of humor.

Uh-huh, if you'’re smart

you won'’t let this one get away.

Mom...

I heard a great joke today.

These two mortals walk into a bar...

Dad.

Oh, you'’re right.

Maybe that one'’s a little too racy.

Sabrina, what do you call a mortal with half a brain?

I, uh... I Don'’t know.

Gifted!

[ Both parents laugh]

You have a lovely home here.

Oh, thank you.

We'’ve lived here for 400 years.

It was a wonderful

neighborhood until

the mortals started moving in.

Property values are dropping like flies.

Mortals? Mortals can'’t live in the other realm.

Half-mortals, what'’s the difference?

It'’s in their blood.

Who wants the last aardvark fritter?

Don'’t get me wrong, Sabrina.

Some of my best friends are half-mortals.

I just Don'’t want them living in my neighborhood.

You hear what i'’m saying?

Loud and clear.

Salem: Good!

You'’re home late.

That means the date went well. Guess again.

Don'’t tell me you blew it.

I'’m working on an early parole

and Derek'’s father'’s on the witches council.

Well, Derek'’s father'’s also a total bigot.

I had to spend the entire evening

trying to hide the fact that i'’m half mortal.

That'’s awful! I hate prejudice.

Do you know how many women have rejected me

just because I have four legs and a tail.

It'’s wrong, I tell you!

Why Don'’t they care about what'’s inside?

Salem, what'’s on the inside of you

is a selfish, misogynistic pig.

Hey! Pigs are people, too.

I may have to break up with Derek.

His family is just too hideous.

Well, that doesn'’t mean that Derek is.

Wow! These long distance phone companies

will do anything to get you to switch.

Hello?

Hi, Sabrina.

Hi.

It'’s Derek. I can see that.

Listen, I just wanted to apologize again

for what happened tonight.

Forgiven, forgotten.

[ Muffled speaking]I'’m really sorry.

I wanted tonight to be perfect.

Sabrina, I really like you, and I just hope

you won'’t hold me responsible for my parents'’ behavior.

Do you have any idea how awful it was

to sit through those horrible jokes?

Why didn'’t you say something?

I should have. I...

I just stopped trying to fight with my parents.

They'’re set in their ways.

Why do you think I go to school in the mortal realm?

Well, I guess I wouldn'’t want anyone

to hold my aunts'’ behavior against me.

Listen, uh, I just got front row tickets

to see the black hole surfers on Friday night

in the other realm forum.

Would you be interested in going?

Are your parents coming?

No. Pick me up at 7:00.

[ Muffled speaking]Great.

Oh, by the way, that phone you'’re holding

it'’s white chocolate.

Mmm. Belgian.

[ Muffled]: Chocolate?

[ Muffled crying]

Here'’s your cappuccino

served at the tooth-friendly temperature of lukewarm.

Ah, thank you.

So, I hear things are heating up

between you and Derek.

Well, let'’s just say we could melt a glacier.

Are you listening to this? "Derek, Derek, Derek."

What'’s so special about Derek anyway?

Well, in alphabetical order, he'’s athletic, buff, charismatic

dashing, effervescent, funny, gorgeous...

It was a rhetorical question.

Oh.

See? Now, that wasn'’t too bad, was it?

No. Not after I passed out from the pain.

[ Laughs

well, this may be your last visit to my office

but I have a hunch we'’ll be seeing a lot more of each other.

Mmm.

Yes. It seems like Sabrina and Derek

are really hitting it off.

Your niece is a terrific girl

and what a sense of humor!

She really loved all my jokes.

Well, I could use a laugh

seeing as how you just drilled down to my last good nerve.

Okay. Um...

What has an IQ of 192?

I Don'’t know.

The entire mortal realm.

[ Laughing]

Sabrina found that funny?

Who wouldn'’t?

[ Laughing]

Maybe somebody who'’s half mortal.

We Don'’t associate with people like that

so we'’ve got nothing to worry about.

I see. Well, this has been a painfulafternoon...

In more ways than one.

Okay, for my date with Derek

how about this? Too long.

Okay.

This?

Too long. Salem!

I'’m just saying, Don'’t be afraid to show some skin.

Oh, you mean like this?

Hey! Are you mad, woman?

I could catch my death.

[ Whimpering]

Whatever you did, i'’m sure you deserved it.

Hey, aunt Zelda. What are you doing here?

Well, i'’ve just come back from the dentist

and i'’m a little concerned.

Does Derek know you'’re a half-mortal?

Yeah. I told him on our first date.

And he was okay with it?

Yeah. Look, his father'’s a total bigot

but Derek'’s not like that.

What makes you so sure?

Well, we talked about it

and he still wants to go out with me.

He'’s meeting me in an hour to go to the other realm.

Honey, I Don'’t mean to put a damper on this

but in my experience

the apple doesn'’t fall very far from the tree.

Look, Derek'’s great. Everything'’s fine.

You'’ve got nothing to worry about.

Then do me a favor.

Since you'’re going to the other realm

why Don'’t you use the portal at our house?

That way hilda and I can ask him a few questions.

Fine. Whatever.

But first you have to help me find something to wear.

Salem: If you find anything with black fur

and four sleeves, toss it this way.

[ Whimpering]

Oh, now, please remember

this is a date, not the nuremberg trials.

Keep questions short, civil and to the point.

Well, i'’mout.

Hey, Sabrina. Ready to go?

Almost, um, do you mind if we sit down for a second?

My aunts want to get to know you a little better. Sure.

Hi, Derek. I'’m Zelda, and you'’ve met hilda.

Ooh! Magic caramel corn. That'’s my favorite.

I brought it for the concert.

You'’re welcome... Hilda: Thanks!

"Guaranteed to tickle your inside."

Well, i'’ll be the judge of that.

Why Don'’t we all sit down?

[ Laughing]

Sorry.

So, um, Derek, why Don'’t you tell my aunts

how much you love living in the mortal realm with mortals?

Uh, I like it.

Great! Nice chatting. Let'’s go.

Wait a minute, wait a minute. Not so fast.

You know, Derek, I heard that some witches

want to start a country club that excludes mortals.

What do you think of that?

That is the last club that i'’d ever join.

[ Laughing]

Hilda.

Sorry. This corn is so funny.

Well, surely you'’d want separate golf courses.

Wouldn'’t really matter to me... Don'’t play golf.

Oh, listen, uh, I Don'’t mean to be rude

but we have to get to the concert.

It starts in half an hour.

Yeah. You know concerts... They always start early.

Okay, see you.Bye.

Nice meeting you guys.

Well... have fun.

That was thoroughly unsatisfying.

I had a lot more questions

I wanted to ask him.

Me, too. Like, where did he get this corn.

[ Laughing]

Man, that was a great concert, huh?

Yeah, and look at this juice bar.

This place is so cool.

You'’d never see a place like this in the mortal realm.

Yeah. That'’s kind of why I wanted to bring you here.

In case I haven'’t told you lately

you are very special to me.

Well, it'’s been three minutes.

I was getting a little worried.

So, what can I do you for?

Uh, two pineapple tsunamis.

Always the complicated drinks.

Just once I wish someone would order a snapple.

Careful. These tsunamis can be a little rough.

Oh.

So much for that warning. I'’ll be right back.

I think I got a starfish up my nose.

Hey, buddy, I hope i'’m not out of line here

but your girlfriend is one good-looking witch.

Thanks. Actually, she'’s half mortal.

What'’d I tell you, huh?

Can I spot them or what?

You Don'’t have a problem dating a half mortal?

Why would I have a problem?

Sure, mortals aren'’t the smartest

carbon-based life-form, but, hey, she'’s a cutie.

Oh, wait-wait-wait. I just heard a great one. Okay, okay.

How many mortals does it take to screw in a lightbulb?

150! Derek: One to hold the bulb

and 149 to turn the house.

I guess you'’ve heard that one, huh?

I know them all, man.

What do you call a mortal with half of a brain?

Gifted.

[ Laughter]

Love that joke, man.

So, you'’re just staying with cutie

until something better comes along, huh?

Hey, it is not easy to find a full witch

in the mortal realm... Sometimes you'’ve got to settle.

Settle? sabrina!

Is that really how you feel? No.

Why are you telling those idiotic jokes

when you know how much they hurt me?

Come on, I didn'’t mean anything by it.

I'’m with a couple of guys. That'’s what guys do.

Yeah, well, this is what I do.

Sabrina, wait.

You'’re making a big mistake. Am I?

Could you ever get seriously involved

with someone who wasn'’t a full witch?

We'’re having fun.

Don'’t get all mortal on me.

Don'’t worry... there'’s a whole other side to me.

This date is officially over.

That'’s okay, sweetie.

There'’s plenty of fish in the sea.

Back off, slime ball, and get your furry mitts off me.

Sorry, honey.

Oh, you must feel terrible.

Aunt hilda, aunt Zelda, what are you doing here?

We came to seek the truth.

Sorry we had to get ugly on you.

Normally, i'’d be really mad at you, but...

Desperate times call for desperate measures.

What was I thinking?

You were thinking that you met

the one guy out there who'’s not a jerk.

Isthere a guy out there who'’s not a jerk?

Of course there is.

Sabrina, I Don'’t know if he'’ll be a witch

I Don'’t know if he'’ll be a mortal

but I know there'’s someone out there for you.

Is there someone out there for me?

You know, I heard they make really great tsunamis here.

I asked you a question.

Very frothy, with just a hint of mint.

I demand an answer.

Is there somebody out there for me?

I think you just killed happy hour.

[ Phone ringing]

Hello?

Hey, Sabrina. I'’m surprised to find you home.

It'’s 2:00 in the morning.

Exactly. I'’ve been leaving messages for Morgan since 9:00.

Oh, she went to bed early.

She has a spa appointment tomorrow

and she wants to be well rested.

Oh. Well, how are things going with you and Derek?

They'’re gone. It'’s over.

Oh... i'’m really sorry to hear that.

Thanks, Josh. I'’ll tell Morgan you called.

Thanks.

Man, am I tired.

Good night, Salem.

Good night, Sabrina.

Oh, do you mind?

Sorry.

I thought you were going to stay up and read.

[ Sighs]