Original subtitles

You'’ll never believe it.

I have finally met the man

of my dreams... The real thing... the one!

Congratulations.

How is he different from the 400 other "the ones?"

Well, he'’s gorgeous.

He'’s charming. He'’s funny.

Sounds different so far.

Did I mention that he'’s gorgeous?

His name is Alec.

I met him this morning at the other realm post office.

Oh, please tell me his picture wasn'’t on the wall.

Alec happens to be a very fine actor.

He is currently starring

in the other realm soap opera another realm.

Ooh, ask him who'’s the real father of charlene'’s baby.

My money'’s on Bob the dancing gargoyle.

Hilda, I know what I say

will have absolutely no effect on you, but please

be careful. Go slow.

It'’s just that we Don'’t want you to end up

with someone who isn'’t right for you.

You Don'’t have to worry.

I have my eyes open and my feet firmly on the ground.

Did I mention he'’s gorgeous?

Did I mention you'’re about to hit your head?

Ow!

I guess it'’s true. Love hurts.

♪ Life'’s changing around me ♪

♪ and i'’m gonna make it mine ♪

♪ i'’m reaching out and living by my rules ♪

♪ time'’s moving way too fast ♪

♪ I wanna make it last

♪ '’cause i'’m out on my own now ♪

♪ and I like the way it feels.

Training for the olympic clothes toss?

I'’m looking for my black t-shirt.

Have you seen it?

Not only have I seen, I washed it.

You washed my t-shirt?

How could you?

You'’re welcome.

Happy to do you the favor. Here, smell.

Fresh as a springtime morning.

The only thing I hate more than springtime

is morning.

New rule: Never touch my stuff.

Newer rule: Okay, I won'’t.

So there.

Fair warning, roxie'’s on the warpath.

It'’s going to be a long ugly weekend.

Oh, not for me. I'’ve got a big date.

Uh, you know, the person who finishes the pot

is supposed to make a new one.

Oh, I guess that'’s you.

But before you do, I need your opinion.

I'’m going out with Josh tonight

and I can'’t decide what to wear.

Hot and sexy

or cool and coy?

You guys are going out again?

No, we'’re staying in.

I'’m making dinner.

Actually, the restaurant'’s making dinner

but i'’m putting it on the plate.

Oh, that sounds like a pretty romantic evening.

You'’re right.

Neither of these are romantic enough

but I have got the perfect little

off-the-shoulder number in my closet.

Josh will love it.

I'’m so glad you introduced us.

Don'’t mention it...

Ever again.

Sabrina, i'’m videotaping the meteor shower tonight

so i'’ll need to run some cables through your bedroom window.

You'’re going to leave my window open?

It'’s 30 degrees out.

Come on, this is

a once in a lifetime experience

unless I live to be 147 or I freeze my body

but I have an aversion to cold.

But it'’s okay to turn me into a popsicle?

I knew I could count on you.

I say we do our project on the gold rush.

I say prohibition.

What is so wrong

with the expedition of Lewis and Clark?

[ All arguing]

Since you can'’t make a decision, I will.

We live in Boston. We all like to party.

We'’re going to do the Boston tea party.

Boston tea party... that'’s like so sixth grade.

I Don'’t like parties.

I Don'’t like Boston.

People, we have to agree on something.

Let'’s take a coffee break.

Both: I agree.

[ Groans loudly]

I can'’t remember...

Does two head bangs mean regular or decaf?

I am in the study group from hell.

I mean, they can'’t make a decision

and they won'’t listen to anything I have to say.

I'’d love to get into it

but I have to get a haircut before my date tonight.

Morgan'’s making me dinner.

Yeah, and I bet she'’s planning

one or two surprises for after dinner.

I hope one of them is cake.

Hey, uh... you'’re okay

with this whole me and Morgan thing, right?

Yeah, you know...

I mean, who introduced you? Me.

I know and it'’s working out great.

Yeah, everything'’s working out great.

Don'’t touch my stuff.

Don'’t close the window.

Morgan, I love you.

Yes, i'’ll marry you.

Remember the alamo.

Go away, go away, go away!

Fine.

Oh, no, no, no.

Sorry, I was just, you know

swatting away some personal demons.

I just wanted to introduce you to my new friend Alec.

This is Sabrina.

Hello. Hi.

Did I lie? Isn'’t he gorgeous?

Oh, hilda, stop.

You'’re going to spoil me.

No, you'’re going to spoil me.

He'’s taking me to the rings of saturn...

The best amusement park in the galaxy.

The happiest place not on earth.

Check your troubles at the door

and have the time of your life.

Check your troubles at the door?

[ All arguing]

When do we leave?

Sabrina, it'’s our first date.

Well, then you'’ll need a chaperon.

Come on, kids.

[ Carnival music playing]

This is so much fun.

You know, getting away from my problems

is just what the doctor ordered.

Did I mention that Alec plays the handsome

and brooding Dr. Terrence hunicutt

on the highly acclaimed daytime drama another realm?

Listen and listen good, nurse Wilson.

No one dies on my watch.

Don'’t you love it when he does that?

Yeah, I have chills.

So, who wants to go ride the roller coaster?

I do.

Oh, pass. It wreaks havoc with the hair.

Oh, well, I like to live on the edge, so gotta go.

How about the house of mirrors?

Again? We'’ve been there three times.

And yet, I never tire of it.

We could do something different.

You could row me through the tunnel of love

with those big strong arms.

Well, rowing would be a great workout for my upper body

but, uh... i'’m in the mood to see all of me.

House of mirrors it is.

That roller coaster was great.

I Don'’t know what Alec'’s problem was with the hair.

Hey, cousin it, step on up, grab a meteor.

What do I have to do?

Just aim at earth

and give it a hurl.

Well, that sounds like fun

and, after that roller coaster, I am ready to hurl.

This one'’s for you, miles.

Awesome!

That one looked like it was aimed at me.

We got ourselves a winner!

Here'’s your prize, little lady.

Oh, uh... no, thanks.

One is more than enough.

God, I love that place.

Did you notice that even in the most distorted mirrors

I still look great?

No, but I did notice that your head gets bigger.

Really?

Alec, I hate to talk

about me for a moment, but do you ever think

about anything other than how you look?

Certainly.

Sometimes, I think about how other people think I look.

You know, I can hurl a meteor all the way to earth

but I can'’t make a free throw with a churro wrapper?

No need. I got it.

Katrina?

Your one and only evil twin.

I know... I never forget a face, especially when it'’s mine.

I thought you were locked up for eternity

for pushing me into that volcano.

I had a good lawyer.

I'’m still in jail

but I get a reduced sentence if I do community service.

Did you gain weight?

You are so evil.

Sorry. I might be nicer if I had your life.

Believe me, my life is not all fun and games.

Well, maybe it is right now

but, back at college, i'’ve got

a roommate who'’s giving me the cold shoulder

another one who'’s trying to freeze me out

and a third one who'’s getting all hot and heavy

with this guy Josh I kind of like.

Well, i'’m sharing a filthy 4x4 cell

with the most obnoxious piece of trailer trash

in the other realm.

Sorry if I Don'’t seem sympathetic.

Look, I got to find my aunt hilda and her boyfriend.

It was a pleasure seeing you again, Katrina.

The pleasure was all yours.

You know, the worst thing a person can do

is go through life being bitter.

Maybe you should think about making some changes.

I intend to... starting now.

Good luck, Katrina.

Bye.

Don'’t you mean "Sabrina"?

[ Evil laughter]

Oh, what'’s the matter, hildy?

You seem out of sorts.

You actually noticed?

No, the ticket taker

at the house of mirrors mentioned it.

I want you to take me home right now, Alec.

There'’s Sabrina. Sabrina?

Finally, i'’ve been looking all over for you.

Why are you wearing a maintenance uniform?

I... won it at the house of garbage.

Garbage? Oh, I wonder

if you could see yourself in the cans?

Can it, Dr. I love myself.

Sabrina, I hate to spoil your fun

but we'’re going back to the mortal realm.

No problem. That'’s exactly where I want to be.

So long, Sabrina.

Have a nice eternity.

[ Evil laughter]

[ Thunder and lightning]

Ah, home, sweet home.

Just like I imagined it.

I mean, remembered it.

Ooh, ugly cat.

Now, that really hurts

coming from someone in a maintenance uniform.

Who wants to play "you Don'’t know Jack"?

How about you, boyfriend?

Oh, sorry, Salem, Alec was just leaving.

Oh, i'’m in no hurry.

Did I tell you I once played Jack

in a national tour of Jack and the beanstalk?

Fee-fi-fo...

I believe the word

you'’re looking for is "fum."

You'’re early.

I'’m Zelda.

You must be "the one."

The one in your thoughts or the one in your dreams?

Eww! Zelda, kitchen, now.

Well, this has really been fun

but I got to get going.

Take one of these as a souvenir

and good luck with your problems back home.

Thanks. You know, they probably

weren'’t as bad as I thought they were.

P.A.: All travelers leaving the other realm

please have your passports ready

and your luggage available for inspection.

Whoa, not so fast, blondie.

I can'’t let you leave the other realm.

This passport'’s no good.

Of course it'’s good.

I use it every time I come to the other realm.

Let me see that.

[ Gasps]: Why, that evil little... twin.

She switched passports on me.

This is not my passport.

My name is Sabrina, not Katrina.

Do I look like an evil twin to you?

I Don'’t know, lady.

I'’m not a psychologist. I scan stuff.

Look, you'’re making a big mistake.

Arrivederci, baby.

Okay.

Stay calm.

Don'’t panic.

Let me out of here!

Woman: Save your breath, honey.

Aunt Zelda?

No, her evil twin jezebelda.

I'’ve been busier

than a pair of jumper cables at a family reunion

trying to get my sorry butt out of here.

If they ain'’t springing me

they sure ain'’t springing you.

It'’s amazing how much you look like my aunt Zelda.

Bite your tongue, girlie.

So, tell me, how is that skinny-legged little egghead?

Oh, she'’s fine.

I'’ll-i'’ll give her your best.

You were right, Zelda.

"The one" is not the one.

Then what is he still doing in our house?

Probably admiring his reflection in a doorknob.

I tried to get rid of him, but he won'’t take a hint.

Well, stop hinting.

Just go up there and tell him the truth.

That he'’s a self-centered, arrogant egomaniac

and he doesn'’t deserve a treasure like me?

The first part sounded good.

Okay, new outfit, new realm...

I'’m ready to do some evil.

Sabrina, have you seen Alec?

Oh, he'’s at your vanity waxing his arm hair.

Ugh. I should have listened to you before.

Of course you should'’ve.

What did I say?

The last thing that you wanted

was for me to end up with someone

who isn'’t right for me.

And this guy is sowrong.

I said that was the last thing i'’d want?

Because I think you misinterpreted what I was saying.

Then what were you saying?

Well, in a nutshell, you'’re over 600 years old.

You can'’t afford to be picky.

You should grab this guy before he drops you

for a hot little 500 year old.

But, Sabrina, I can'’t stand Alec.

And even Zelda says that if I feel that way

I should get rid of him.

Why do you think she said that?

She wants him for herself.

You think?

I know.

Well, he is gorgeous.

That'’s what Zelda said, repeatedly.

That skinny-legged little vamp!

Thanks for tipping me off, Sabrina.

I owe you one.

Anytime.

You know what? You could do me a favor.

I sprained my finger on the tilt-a-whirl.

Could you send me back to college?

[ Magical ping]

Huh. So this is my room.

It'’s colder than my cell.

This meteor shower'’s unbelievable.

Thanks for letting me

run my cables through your window.

You'’re a real friend, Sabrina.

Well, any friend of Sabrina'’s

is an enemy of mine.

[ Sinister chuckling]

I'’m so evil.

[ Tapping]

[ Short-circuiting]

No matter what I do, my magic just won'’t work!

That'’s why they call it prison, honey.

I'’ll tell you what'’s a crime.

That Zelda gets to run wild while i'’m locked up in here.

I was the pretty one.

I was the talented one.

I was the one who was supposed to go places.

What happened?

I was a bad, bad girl.

I started a little thing called the bubonic plague.

That'’s awful!

Thank you.

No, that'’s like one of the worst disasters in human history!

Now you'’re embarrassing me.

You'’re lying on my bed.

You know how I feel about you touching my stuff.

Yeah, it'’s right here in your diary... October 3rd.

The same entry where you admit you still suck your thumb.

Have you lost your mind?

This is my personal property.

If you didn'’t want me to read it

you shouldn'’t have left it

locked in that little box

underneath your mattress.

Finally.

I been trying to get in here for 20 minutes.

Thanks to you unplugging my cables

I missed the best of the meteor shower.

At least she didn'’t read your diary.

Sabrina, you'’re acting so weird.

This isn'’t like you at all.

How far in my diary did you get?

Enough to know that you had a dream about miles last night.

Really?

Don'’t get too excited.

You were dead.

Ooh, Sabrina, Don'’t eat those.

They'’re for my date with Josh.

Josh?

Yeah. He'’ll be here any minute.

I can'’t wait.

So how'’s my outfit?

I Don'’t know.

What are you going to wear?

This.

Oh. I guess it'’s a look.

I'’m changing.

[ Doorbell rings]

If that'’s Josh, tell him i'’ll be down in five minutes.

My pleasure.

Hey, Sabrina. Where'’s Morgan?

Morgan? Oh, Morgan.

Um, yeah, you know what?

She just got very sick

and she told me she has to cancel.

Really? She was fine when I talked to her 20 minutes ago.

Came on very suddenly.

Hmm. Well, so much for dinner.

Guess it'’s me and my microwave tonight.

Or... I could be your date.

Wait, wait, Sabrina...

I thought you didn'’t want to go out with me.

Why wouldn'’t I want to go out with someone

as charming and handsome as you?

I have no idea.

Listen, if I get that guard to spring you

will you promise to poison your aunt Zelda?

With what?

I mean, no!

There'’s got to be a way out of here.

[ Gasps]

And I think I just found it.

[ Lip-synching with TV]: Now, listen, and listen good, nurse Wilson.

[ Salem joins in]: No one dies on my watch.

Bravo!

We make one heck of a team.

Dr. Hunicutt and his swarthy feline sidekick, Gustavo.

Alec, snack time.

Shh, shh, shh, shh.

What is that cretin still doing here?

He'’s our cat. He lives here.

Not thatcretin, the other one.

I thought you were going to dump him.

You Don'’t fool me for a minute, sister.

I'’m onto you.

Sabrina told me about your plan to try to steal Alec.

What?!

And, look, a meteor.

It'’s a message from Sabrina.

"I'’m trapped in the other realm.

"Katrina stole my passport

"and switched places with me.

Zelda'’s evil twin says, '’hi, y'’all.'’"

she'’s trapped with jezebelda.

We'’ve got to get Sabrina out of there.

Wait a minute... if Sabrina'’s back there

that means it was Katrina who told me I shouldn'’t dump Alec.

Hey, pretty boy!

Not now...

I'’m watching, here.

Well, watch what happens next.

We'’re breaking up.

Oh, a breakup scene. I love those.

What'’s my motivation?

I hate you.

Perfect.

Dr. Hunicutt, you are history... stat.

Now we'’ve got to get Sabrina a new passport... stat.

And hope that Katrina hasn'’t caused too much damage... stat.

I just like saying "stat."

Good night, Josh.

"Sabrina spellman." Perfect.

This should get to the other realm in no time.

You'’re a real wiz on the computer, Salem.

Thanks to my new counterfeiting software.

By the way, here'’s the money I owe you.

I can'’t believe you stole my boyfriend.

Well, "all'’s fair in love and war."

Actually, nothing'’s fair in love and war.

They should change that.

You knew that I had this special evening planned.

What you did was just... Plain evil!

Well, then my work is done... for tonight, anyway.

Sabrina, you going out with Josh was...

[ Magical ping]

Hello, Katrina.

Sabrina, how did you get out?

A little luck and a good fastball.

Now hand over my passport.

Never.

Wait a minute. I have my magic back.

Drat.

It gets even worse.

I spoke to your parole board

and you'’re going to be pining for the days

you swept up gum wrappers.

You'’re in the big house for the long haul.

You are so evil.

I learn from the best.

Bye-bye.

[ Magical ping]

Well, well, well.

Look what the cat dragged in.

It'’s horrible to see you, too.

Did you gain a little weight?

Did your legs get skinnier?

Is that a whisker coming out of your chin?

Is that a chin coming out of your other chin?

Lord, I missed you, girl.

I missed you, too.

It'’s tempting to leave her this way but...

[ Magical ping]

truly, truly evil.

When did you change?

Oh, just now.

I'’m no longer evil.

Anyway, I-If I thought for one second

that you were interested in Josh

I never would'’ve gone after him.

Actually, I would have, but just slower.

Wait a minute.

So you'’re saying I went out with Josh?

Don'’t play innocent with me.

I saw you kissing him on the porch.

I kissed him?

Oh, oh, you thought that was a kiss?!

Oh, no.

We were just, you know, rehearsing...

For a play called...

I'’m the worst liar in the world.

Look, Morgan, i'’m really sorry.

Okay, I had no idea what I was doing.

Please forgive me?

All right.

I'’ll forgive you for the Josh thing

but what you said about my outfit...

That is going to take some time.

Okay, one problem solved.

Next?

"Dear diary, i'’m really happy

to be out of my aunt'’s house and living on my own."

You'’re reading my diary?

I'’m trying to, but it'’s hard to stay awake.

You have an exceptionally dull life.

Let me guess:

I read your diary so you'’re reading mine

and you'’re trying to even the score.

Unless this gets a lot better

we'’re nowhere near even.

It doesn'’t. Trust me.

Nothing out of the ordinary ever happens to me.

Look, roxie, i'’m really sorry.

I never should'’ve invaded your privacy.

All I can say is

if you ever mention September 15th to anybody

you'’re dead.

It'’s as if I never read it.

Miles, um, I Don'’t know what I did to you

but i'’m sorry.

"Sorry" doesn'’t cut it.

When you unplugged my equipment

I missed the best part of the meteor shower.

There won'’t be another one like it for 129 years.

Oh, I Don'’t know about that, you know.

Sometimes those people

are a little off with their calculations.

[ Magical ping]

Look!

I can'’t believe it!

I-I got to get back up on the roof and film this!

We'’re back.

Hey, Josh, I just want to apologize for last night.

For what?

I'’m afraid I was sending you mixed messages.

I think the message was clear to both of us.

Yeah, I think so, too.

So what was the message you got?

I Don'’t know.

The date, the kiss, everything...

It just didn'’t feel right.

I mean, it wasn'’t just me, was it?

No, it wasn'’t just you and...

Definitely wasn'’t me.

I think your first instinct was right on the money.

We should just be friends.

Yeah. Friends are good.

You know, can'’t have too many friends, so... friends.

Just what I need, another friend.

Mother'’s maiden name?

Becker.

Favorite dessert

that doesn'’t involve chocolate?

There isn'’t one. How long will this go on?

Until we make absolutely sure

that you are the real Sabrina.

Say "woo-hoo."

Woo-hoo!

Impostor! J'’accuse!

Back off, furball

or i'’ll tell aunt Zelda that I caught you

in her lingerie drawer trying on her Lacy red...

It'’s Sabrina!