Original subtitles

Yes!

Evil waffle iron, you have finally met your match.

Your reign of tyranny has finally...

Well, the joke'’s on you

'’cause that'’s the way I like them.

Breakfast is ready!

Miles, Morgan, roxie!

Breakfast!

Come on, people!

Free food!

[ Sighs]

Fine, have it your way.

[ Crowing]

I heard crowing!

Is my mother here?

It'’s the feds! Illegal search and seizure!

Quick, help me hide this film.

Sorry, sorry... it was just me

practicing my barnyard calls.

Suuey!

Look, I made us a "first day of college

life doesn'’t get any better than this" breakfast.

Look, old McDonald, i'’ve worked very hard

to make sure my first class isn'’t until 3:00.

Good day and good night.

That'’s funny, because I totally had you pegged

for a morningperson.

Miles, what are you doing?

I-I made us waffles and bacon and eggs.

Do you have any idea

where bacon and eggs come from?

Pigs and chicken butts?

Government-subsidized farms.

They'’re fed chemicals and hormones.

It'’s not natural.

I'’m sorry, Sabrina, but my body is my temple.

So, you'’re filling it with sacred sugar bombs?

Well, they turn the milk purple.

Don'’t let them bother you, Sabrina.

Your enthusiasm for college is

exactly what we need around here.

Thank you, Morgan.

At least someone appreciates me.

Put me down for French toast tomorrow.

Put me down for, "yeah, right."

Well, foghorn, I guess it'’s just you and me.

You know, as sad as I am

about Sabrina being off at college

I love having time to fill my life with new meaning.

What do you think about acrylics?

Oh, I like them

but i'’m prone to fungus.

Hey, hey, hey, watch the dewclaw.

Too bad Zelda'’s not coping like I am.

For her, the world begins, middles and ends with Sabrina.

Sabrina... where have I heard that name?

Ah, yes, Audrey hepburn.

Wonderful film.

Knowing Zelda, she'’ll be moping around here for weeks.

I got it! I got it!

You are looking

at a new associate professor of quantum physics.

Yeah, she'’s a wreck all right.

Where are you going to be teaching?

Adams college.

Adams college... now, why does that sound familiar?

Oh, I know.

That'’s Sabrina'’s college.

How pathetic is that?

I know it looks like I took this job to be near Sabrina

but i'’ve always dreamed of being a teacher.

I'’m moving on with my life, hilda

and so should you.

Already way ahead of you. Really?

So, tell how doyou plan to spend your time

now that the clock shop'’s gone under?

Oh, please, there aren'’t enough hours in the day.

I'’m more productive now than i'’ve ever been.

Now, if you'’ll excuse me

I have to draw Salem a bath.

[ Startled grunt]

Are you insane, woman?

My nails aren'’t dry.

[ Sighs]

I can'’t believe i'’m actually here...

Sabrina spellman... College student, coed...

Independent woman of the world.

I feel a celebratory woo-hoo coming on.

Woo-hoo!

Sabrina, you are a very lucky freshman.

You have at your disposal

this school'’s most knowledgeable tour guide.

Well, until she shows up, why Don'’t you give me the tour?

[ Chuckling]

Um, do you know where the psychology building is?

No idea.

What about history?

Oh... got me again.

Do you know where anything is on this campus?

I know that the men'’s swim team has lunch

on the quad every afternoon

but you have got to get there early

'’cause the good seats fill up fast.

See ya.

Don'’t know where my classes are

but I know where i'’m eating lunch.

Man: I can'’t tell you how excited we are to have you

on the faculty, professor.

Yet that'’s what you'’ve been doing

for the last 20 minutes.

Aunt Zelda?

Oh, Sabrina.

Will you excuse me, gentlemen?

Hi...

Sorry to interrupt your little singles mixer

but, uh, what'’s going on here?

Men... you can take the nobel laureate out of the boy

but you can'’t take the boy...

No, I mean, what are youdoing here?

And please tell me "professor'’s"

just an exotic nickname you'’re trying out.

Sabrina, I know how this must look.

Like exactly what it is.

I'’m supposed to be embarking on a journey

of independent self-discovery

but there'’s no "aunt" in "independent."

There'’s an "ent," but that'’s another story.

Honestly, honey, my new job has nothing to do with you.

Yeah, right. Here I am, trying to go to college like a regular mortal

but my other realm aunt doesn'’t think

that I can handle it alone.

Well, I got news for you... I can and I will.

Sabrina... and while we'’re at school

we Don'’t know each other. Is that clear, aunt Zelda?

Very clear...

And it'’s "professor spellman" to you.

Good, and it'’s... "Sabrina" to you.

Hey, congratulations on the new job.

Thanks.

I'’m really excited.

Got to get one of those book bags with wheels...

Or maybe a pack mule.

What'’s wrong, perky?

First day of Sabrina'’s wonderful life

hitting a brick wall?

No, not at all. It'’s very wonderful.

I'’ve only been at college for three hours

and already I get to read four chapters of Plato

write a ten-page essay

and catch a small arthropod to dissect.

Maybe I ought to rethink my definition

of the word "wonderful."

Hey, college girl, how was the big first day?

Bigger than I expected... But still wonderful.

Josh, this is my roommate, roxie.

Hey, roxie.

Great name.

You know, we had this girl

at school named roxie.

I used to call her "foxy roxie."

And, today, you'’re wiping tables for a living. I'’m shocked.

Nice to meet you, too.

Don'’t mind her.

She'’s always a little cranky before...

She'’s just cranky.

Sabrina, Emerson'’s having a huge kickoff party tonight.

They have parties on Monday night?

This is college; They have parties every night.

I could leave your names at the door.

Oh, my gosh!

A college party?

I'’m so excited.

Whatever will I wear?!

[ Squeals]

I-I think she was being sarcastic.

Yeah, I got that.

Anyway, you'’ll be there, right?

I can'’t.

I got tons of work to do

and i'’m falling further behind as we speak.

Oh, so what? There'’s always somethingdue.

You just have to learn how to juggle your priorities.

[ Heavy metal music playing]

Hey, rox, could you do something with that music?

Oh, sure.

[ Playing loudly]

No, actually, by "do something"

I meant "turn it off."

And, again, we'’re at an impasse.

Why are you always looking to pick a fight?

I'’m not fighting. I just can'’t study with the music on, that'’s all.

And I can'’t study with it off.

So, what are we going to do?

Well, since you woke me up

with some five-course breakfast, I think you owe me.

Well, i'’m glad I didn'’t make you lunch.

I'’d be in your debt forever.

[ Music resuming]

Hey, you'’re slogging through Plato'’s dialogues, too?

Do you have any idea what the first one is about?

I'’m not sure, but if you take the first word of each paragraph

it makes the sentence

"mine enemy goeth in green shoes."

Maybe we should just read quietly to ourselves.

For your gastrointestinal pleasure

another delicious hilda spellman original recipe.

Guess what'’s in it.

I Don'’t care.

[ Belches and chews]

That'’s what I like about you, Salem...

You'’re a culinary adventurer.

So much nicer than "big fat pig."

What an invigorating day...

Filling eager young minds with knowledge

and challenging debates...

Then meeting the whole gang down at tgi Friday'’s

for margaritas and crazy fries.

Ooh, I feel so alive!

Hildy, make the big, scary lady go away.

Zelda, would you mind taking your affected self-absorption for a walk?

Hilda, what on earth are you doing?

Don'’t tell me you'’ve spent your entire day doting on this cat.

I haven'’t been doting.

I simply gave him a few beauty treatments...

Read to him... Cooked for him...

And put on a delightfully amusing puppet show.

Hilda, dear...

Sometimes, when a person experiences a loss...

Say a loved one goes away to college...

They project their feelings onto someone else...

Say a worthless cat.

Mm-hmm.

They do this as a way of sublimating anxiety.

Do you understand what i'’m saying?

Your mouth moves, sound comes out

and yet, nothing.

Okay, i'’ve gotten through understanding Plato

and understanding understanding Plato.

Now, what I need is Plato for dummies...

Or better yet, Plato.

Look, Plato, I know you'’re the foundation

of western thought and stuff, but you seem

to be talking in circles.

Can you help me out, here?

Oh, that.

Now, that...

I-I wrote this to impress someone I was seeing.

We met at the Olympics.

Vestal virgin... yeah, right.

Do you have any nectar?

Greeks... good souvlaki, bad explanations.

Oh, you want an explanation?

It'’s all about reason.

You'’ve got the power of reason

and a couple of drachma in your toga

you'’re sitting pretty.

Oddly enough, that helps.

Thanks, Plato.

Okay, i'’m done with Plato.

Next up: My ten-page essay on the Franco-prussian war.

I was just going to throw these away...

The syrup is hard as a rock...

But then I thought they might hold

some kitschy, sentimental value for you.

Do I look like I have time for dishes right now?

I'’m overwhelmed with work and it'’s only my first day.

Relax. Every freshman goes through this.

It'’s just the college'’s way

of getting rid of the weak... Culling the herd.

Whoa, you got invited to the Emerson party?

Yeah, but I can'’t go.

The guy I cheat off in ethics class

has a brother who goes to Emerson.

My friend put me and roxie on the guest list but...

I'’ve got too much studying to do.

Sabrina, as your resident advisor

I must tell you

that Adams college values life experience

as much as it does academics.

I mean, the last thing

that you want to do

is neglect the social arena.

I'’ve got a lot of work to get done

but I Don'’t want the college to get mad at me

for not partying enough.

The key here is balance.

Now, it'’s 9:00.

Why Don'’t you go for an hour?

In fact, why Don'’t I go with you?

And then you'’ll come back fresh, rejuvenated

and ready to attack the academics.

You Don'’t think that'’ll be too distracting?

Sabrina, it'’s my job to advise you.

Would I steer you wrong?

Well, as we college types like to say...

Party!

Both: Party! Party!

[ Music playing]

I can'’t believe I almost missed this.

I know. If you miss the Monday party

there is nothing to talk about at the Tuesday party.

By then, it'’s Wednesday... You'’ll never catch up.

Josh: Sabrina...

Sabrina: Hey, finally.

Hey. i didn'’t think you were going to make it.

Yeah, I had to do some studying

before I could cut loose.

Oh, well, i'’m going

with party first; Study later.

Wow, you'’re an animal.

It'’s already 2:30.

Well, you know me.

2:30?

I'’ve got a paper due in six hours!

Got to go.

Whoa, whoa, I just got here.

Sabrina, you can'’t leave

until you introduce me to your friend.

Morgan, Josh; Josh, Morgan. Everybody happy?

Yeah.

Very.

Flunking freshman coming through!

Okay, I can do this.

Just type up this bad boy and we'’re in business.

No problem.

Morgan was right.

I do feel refreshed...

Rejuvenated and... Ready to attack.

[ Snoring]

Sabrina.

[ Snoring]

Sabrina!

What'’s going on? Am I finished?

I didn'’t want to wake you, but drool tends

to short out your keyboard.

Oh. No, i'’m glad you did.

I'’ve a paper due in... 30 minutes and...

All i'’ve done is type my name?

"Sardina smellman"?!

It'’s getting there.

Focus.

Okay.

You can do this.

No, I can'’t!

Oh, I can'’t zap a paper.

That would be cheating.

But maybe I could use a magical pick-me-up.

Faster. Speedy. Quick.

Glad you'’re here.

I may need you to roll me over...

Don'’t want to get bedsores.

Salem, what happened to you?

The good life!

La dolce vita, baby!

Apparently, the good life

doesn'’t come in a low-fat version.

I think I carry it quite well.

I Don'’t think you could carry it out of this room.

Okay, here'’s something about a double-time spell.

It helps you get your work done twice as fast.

Speaking of fast

I ordered a tri-tip 15 minutes ago.

Hilda!

Shh! Be quiet.

I Don'’t want them to think I can'’t handle college

because I can.

It'’s just the social and the academic part

i'’m having trouble with.

Okay, here goes.

"Step lively, step quick, make me move, lickety-split."

Gentlemen, start your engines.

[ Rock music playing]

Save and print.

I could chisel this thing faster... come on!

Excellent and I still have... 20 seconds to get to class.

Of course, professor Flanagan

i'’d love to discuss your theories.

I just Don'’t think the travelodge

is an appropriate environment.

That blur looks strangely familiar.

All right, half a pound

hand-ground, organic, dark-roasted Peruvian.

You'’re a life-saver, Josh.

I'’ve looked all over town for these.

We'’re the only ones.

Unfortunately, most people

aren'’t that picky about what they drink.

Well, Salem is not most people.

Isn'’t Salem your cat?

Your point being...?

Nah, I just think it'’s a little weird

to buy gourmet coffee for a cat.

Any weirder than a full-grown man in a little red apron

grinding roasted seeds so strangers can catch a buzz?

Don'’t judge me, bean boy.

That blur looks strangely familiar.

Whoa.

Sabrina, you startled me.

I didn'’t see you come in.

What do you want me to do?

Oh, I hate to ask

but the bathrooms could us a good once-over.

Hey, what'’d you think of that party last night?

I thought it was by far the most amazing party...

Done.

Also amazing.

Whoa, I just must have zoned out there for a minute.

I'’m going on my break.

Can you cover for me?

[ Sighs]

Anything else?

Sabrina, there are a dozen people here waiting for...

I had a little downtime

so I polished the Espresso machine.

Well, I guess if you want to cut out early, then...

Oh, man, what i'’d give to be 18 again.

Sorry i'’m late.

It took forever to find the beans, and bad news:

The video store was out of spaceballs.

Quit yammering, start cooking

and get some quotes on a double-wide litter box.

Zelda: All right.

This has gone far enough.

Sorry, zellie, I can'’t talk right now.

I Don'’t want Salem to get mad.

You Don'’t want to make Salem mad?

If you Don'’t leave immediately

i'’ll be forced to sit on you!

What you need is a healthy dose of reality.

[ Coughs]

What did you do that for?

Mmm, lemon-y.

I had to make you realize that

you'’ve displaced your emotions for Sabrina onto Salem

and that he'’s taking horrible

horrible advantage of you.

You'’re right. What'’s become of me?

I Don'’t even like being in the same room as him

and today I flossed his bicuspids.

You just have to find something

to fill the void left by Sabrina...

Something that you'’re passionate about

that'’s legal in the state of Massachusetts.

"Step easy, step slow.

Make me stop this go-go-go."

Great spell, but...

Tough on the high-tops.

[ Salem grunting]

Oh! A little help for a bloated feline?

[ Grunting and gasping]

Salem?

Okay, I had the most amazing day.

I partied till 2:00 A.M.

I still managed to finish my paper

do all my reading for the week, work, go to the gym, hint, hint.

I think i'’ve found the perfect spell.

[ Gasps]

What'’s with slow and moe?

Miles?

Miles, what'’s wrong with you?

Good... morning.

I'’m... late... For... class.

You haven'’t been to class yet?

Roxie, you'’re just goofing around, right?

Salem: You didn'’t do that double-time spell, did you?

Of course I did. You were splayed

all over the bed when I did it.

Salem: Sabrina, where do you think

the extra time comes from?

You sucked it right out of them.

Why couldn'’t I have sucked out something useless like a spleen

or 20 pounds of cat fat?

[ Gasps]

I'’ve got to try to get them back to normal.

It'’s not working! Oh, no!

If they Don'’t get to class

then they'’ll be on academic probation

and it'’s all my fault!

Morgan, uh, I can explain.

If you can explain that top with those pants

you are a better woman than I am.

Stupid, stupid spell!

I'’ve got to find a way to speed them up.

I am officially out of ideas.

I'’ve got one.

Call your aunt Zelda and have her get you out of this mess.

I can'’t... I told her I didn'’t need her help.

Told her I could handle everything on my own.

To quote the great philosopher, Rene descartes:

"Liar, liar, pants on fire!"

So, if we take "a" to be the atomic mass...

What if "a" is unknown?

Oh, really?

So now you want my help?

That'’s kind of what I look for in a teacher.

I thought you could handle everything on your own.

I admit I have a cocky side

but I never said I knew everything.

All right. Apology accepted.

Thanks. I'’ll be more careful next time.

I think I put too much supersonic tonic

in that last batch.

A few drops of "where'’s the fire?"

Should bring them back to normal.

Quick! I think they'’re carving a rut in my floor.

Don'’t you have anything

between roadrunner and yertle the turtle?

Zelda: Time spells can be incredibly complicated.

They require very precise measurements.

This could take days.

I Don'’t have days.

By then they'’ll be...

right where they are now.

Oh, for crying out loud.

Why must you always make

such a production of everything?

A small sip of Espresso

and a little magical thump to the heart

usually does the trick.

What'’s going on?

How did I get out here? Who are you people?

This better not involve a probing.

I can explain everything.

Which do you like better:

"Overslept" or "alarm clock didn'’t go off"?

Mmm, both classics.

Can'’t go wrong either way.

Roxie: Oh, my god! I overslept!

Miles: Aah! My alarm clock didn'’t go off!

I thought i'’d split the difference.

Nice touch.

Out of the way!

Got a paper to turn in!

Wait your turn, alien breath!

I'’ve just slept away my future!

Maybe I could use a little magic

to help them with their late assignments.

No need. I'’m sure I can work

some of my own magic on their professors

and I won'’t have to point.

Thank you guys for helping them out

and for getting me out of this mess

and for not gloating... Much.

Well, you'’ve only been in college for two days.

It takes a while to learn how to balance your time.

She speaks from experience

and I have to admit, it'’s nice to know

you haven'’t outgrown your aunties.

At first, I was a little annoyed

when you got the job at the university

but now i'’m glad you'’ll be so close by.

You really mean that?

Yeah.

Then you'’re going to be doubly glad.

Why? You didn'’t get a job there, too, did you?

Seeing you both at school might force me to join the army.

No, I didn'’t get a job at school.

I bought the coffee house.

I'’ll see you at work.

[ Chuckles]

Maybe I should join the Navy.

I do look better in blue.

9:28.

All studied up and lots of places to go.

Hey, guess what?

I finished all my work

I understood at least half of it

and now i'’m free to party with you.

Woo-hoo!

Great. Put up some streamers

pull up a chair and watch me do logarithms.

The first 20 should take us

to the wee hours of the morning. Hoo-woo!

Just so you'’re clear, it'’s "woo-hoo." Woo-hoo!

Ah. Have fun at your party.

I wasn'’t invited to a party.

I was just trying to find something fun to do

and, hey, what'’s more fun than logarithms?

You'’re a wild one, spellman.

La dolce vita, baby.