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1
00:00:01,965 --> 00:00:04,689
Announcer: Stay tuned...
you'’re just eight hours away
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00:00:04,758 --> 00:00:06,798
from an all-new episode of
when good witches go bad.
3
00:00:06,827 --> 00:00:08,965
I can write better
stuff than this garbage.
4
00:00:09,034 --> 00:00:10,586
What are you calling garbage?
5
00:00:10,655 --> 00:00:13,344
You Don'’t know the
first thing about television.
6
00:00:13,413 --> 00:00:15,724
So that would qualify
me to be your boss.
7
00:00:15,793 --> 00:00:17,275
Oh, yeah?
8
00:00:17,344 --> 00:00:19,689
We interrupt this regularly
scheduled program...
9
00:00:19,758 --> 00:00:21,137
To beat you up!
10
00:00:21,206 --> 00:00:24,724
Yikes... first cokie
Roberts and now him?
11
00:00:24,793 --> 00:00:27,068
I thought the v-chip
was supposed to prevent
12
00:00:27,137 --> 00:00:28,931
this sort of thing.
13
00:00:45,206 --> 00:00:47,931
I'’m gonna milk
this show for laughs.
14
00:00:52,517 --> 00:00:53,827
What'’s all this?
15
00:00:53,896 --> 00:00:56,241
200 Mexican dishes for lovers?
16
00:00:56,310 --> 00:00:58,758
Corn, the sensuous vegetable?
17
00:00:58,827 --> 00:01:00,241
Souffle? Okay!?
18
00:01:00,310 --> 00:01:01,586
I'’m cooking dinner with Bryce.
19
00:01:01,655 --> 00:01:03,379
You know, that guy I
met at the bookstore.
20
00:01:03,448 --> 00:01:04,965
What were youdoing
at a bookstore?
21
00:01:05,034 --> 00:01:06,034
Trying to meet guys.
22
00:01:06,103 --> 00:01:07,758
Okay... I'’m a little concerned.
23
00:01:07,827 --> 00:01:10,827
Salem'’s in my bedroom with
a guy who called him "babe."
24
00:01:10,896 --> 00:01:13,172
Oh, that'’s the TV producer
from the witch channel.
25
00:01:13,241 --> 00:01:15,172
Salem'’s pitching him
ideas for a new show.
26
00:01:15,241 --> 00:01:18,862
Picture this: A crusty
but lovable dictator
27
00:01:18,931 --> 00:01:20,586
who inherits an orphanage.
28
00:01:20,655 --> 00:01:23,034
We'’ll call it il
duce and the kids.
29
00:01:23,103 --> 00:01:24,586
Oh, come on...
30
00:01:24,655 --> 00:01:27,758
People hate stuff about the
mindless swaying of the masses.
31
00:01:27,827 --> 00:01:29,793
Our focus groups prove this.
32
00:01:29,862 --> 00:01:33,275
A workplace comedy
set in a petting zoo?
33
00:01:33,344 --> 00:01:35,965
Bible stories dramatized
by a troupe of sock puppets.
34
00:01:36,034 --> 00:01:38,275
Really nice meeting
you, saberhagen.
35
00:01:38,344 --> 00:01:40,344
Excuse me, your
office is on my jacket.
36
00:01:40,413 --> 00:01:42,137
I know...
37
00:01:42,206 --> 00:01:45,413
How about a cat who
lives with a teenage witch?
38
00:01:45,482 --> 00:01:47,896
The catch is, the
witch is half-mortal.
39
00:01:47,965 --> 00:01:49,689
I like it.
40
00:01:49,758 --> 00:01:51,241
Except for the cat part.
41
00:01:51,310 --> 00:01:52,448
Same here.
42
00:01:52,517 --> 00:01:55,206
I see this as a
documentary type of show.
43
00:01:55,275 --> 00:01:56,758
You know, hidden cameras
44
00:01:56,827 --> 00:01:59,620
where we can capture
her every waking moment.
45
00:01:59,689 --> 00:02:01,689
Are you a mind reader?
46
00:02:01,758 --> 00:02:03,206
Saberhagen, if
this show'’s a hit
47
00:02:03,275 --> 00:02:04,689
you'’re going to be a rich man.
48
00:02:04,758 --> 00:02:07,310
Say that again... slower.
49
00:02:07,379 --> 00:02:08,965
Oh, Libby?
50
00:02:09,034 --> 00:02:10,172
Yes, Mr. Kraft?
51
00:02:10,241 --> 00:02:11,517
Libby...
52
00:02:11,586 --> 00:02:13,655
It seems that no
one has volunteered
53
00:02:13,724 --> 00:02:15,448
to be school safety monitor.
54
00:02:15,517 --> 00:02:17,965
You Don'’t expect me
to do that dorky job.
55
00:02:18,034 --> 00:02:20,620
The biggest loser in
school wouldn'’t do it.
56
00:02:20,689 --> 00:02:24,000
Well, as secretary
of the student council
57
00:02:24,068 --> 00:02:27,068
you get to appoint
anyone you'’d like.
58
00:02:27,137 --> 00:02:28,793
Anyone?
59
00:02:28,862 --> 00:02:30,827
Please proceed with caution.
60
00:02:30,896 --> 00:02:33,482
This is a hallway,
not the autobahn.
61
00:02:33,551 --> 00:02:35,103
She'’s a safety monitor.
62
00:02:35,172 --> 00:02:37,689
Why Don'’t we just put a
black dot on her forehead
63
00:02:37,758 --> 00:02:39,413
and call her an untouchable.
64
00:02:39,482 --> 00:02:41,724
Maybe we can save it in editing.
65
00:02:41,793 --> 00:02:44,620
You know, Sabrina,
regarding that gum on the floor
66
00:02:44,689 --> 00:02:47,413
I still feel that you should
put a few pylons around it.
67
00:02:47,482 --> 00:02:49,517
You know, I ran
68
00:02:49,586 --> 00:02:51,689
a much tighter ship
when I was safety monitor.
69
00:02:51,758 --> 00:02:54,310
Despite the savage beatings.
70
00:02:55,965 --> 00:02:57,689
Zelly, you have got
to help me decide
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00:02:57,758 --> 00:03:00,931
which one of these belts to wear
at my dinner with Bryce tomorrow.
72
00:03:01,000 --> 00:03:02,620
I'’ve narrowed it
down to these 15.
73
00:03:02,689 --> 00:03:05,482
Oh, good lord, look at this one.
74
00:03:05,551 --> 00:03:07,310
Say, that'’s my favorite, too.
75
00:03:07,379 --> 00:03:09,793
I got it at the other
realm outlet mall.
76
00:03:09,862 --> 00:03:11,931
It really brings
out my eyes, huh?
77
00:03:12,000 --> 00:03:13,931
If your eyes were
78
00:03:14,000 --> 00:03:15,827
a frightening shade of purple.
79
00:03:15,896 --> 00:03:18,275
Speaking of frightening, you
should see my mother-in-law.
80
00:03:18,344 --> 00:03:20,689
They said she'’s as
ugly as sin. Sin sued.
81
00:03:20,758 --> 00:03:22,931
Hilda, you Don'’t
have a mother-in-law.
82
00:03:23,000 --> 00:03:24,182
You'’re right, she'’s not
so much a mother-in-law
83
00:03:24,206 --> 00:03:25,482
as a big tub of goo.
84
00:03:25,551 --> 00:03:27,458
A tub who says I Don'’t
make enough money. Ha-ha.
85
00:03:27,482 --> 00:03:28,827
[ Gasping]: What'’s going on?
86
00:03:28,896 --> 00:03:30,068
I Don'’t know.
87
00:03:30,137 --> 00:03:32,034
Maybe it has something
to do with this belt.
88
00:03:32,103 --> 00:03:33,413
I can'’t get it off!
89
00:03:33,482 --> 00:03:34,896
Oh!
90
00:03:34,965 --> 00:03:37,068
Oh, no, hilda...
91
00:03:37,137 --> 00:03:38,517
It'’s a borscht belt.
92
00:03:38,586 --> 00:03:41,137
It won'’t come off until
you'’ve told a million jokes.
93
00:03:41,206 --> 00:03:42,310
A million jokes?!
94
00:03:42,379 --> 00:03:44,137
Oh, then I should tell
you about my ex-wife.
95
00:03:44,206 --> 00:03:45,344
I took her everywhere.
96
00:03:45,413 --> 00:03:47,079
It was easier than having
to kiss her good-bye.
97
00:03:47,103 --> 00:03:48,034
[ Laughing]
98
00:03:48,103 --> 00:03:49,034
[ Gasping]: Help me.
99
00:03:49,103 --> 00:03:50,655
I could try to get you a job
100
00:03:50,724 --> 00:03:52,137
opening for Marilyn mccoo.
101
00:03:52,206 --> 00:03:53,344
[ Toaster pops]
102
00:03:53,413 --> 00:03:55,344
Oh, not now...
103
00:03:55,413 --> 00:03:56,965
Oh, hilda, i'’m sorry
104
00:03:57,034 --> 00:03:59,206
but i'’ve been summoned
to the other realm.
105
00:03:59,275 --> 00:04:01,551
I'’ll be back to help
you as soon as I can.
106
00:04:01,620 --> 00:04:03,448
Meanwhile, Don'’t
quit your day job.
107
00:04:03,517 --> 00:04:05,137
No, no, Don'’t cancel it.
108
00:04:05,206 --> 00:04:07,620
I promise, Sabrina'’s
not always dull.
109
00:04:07,689 --> 00:04:09,655
Hey, you'’re home for lunch.
110
00:04:09,724 --> 00:04:11,310
Want to go skydiving?
111
00:04:11,379 --> 00:04:13,482
I just want to put my feet up
112
00:04:13,551 --> 00:04:15,044
eat some cereal, and
summon the strength
113
00:04:15,068 --> 00:04:16,665
to get through the
rest of the school day.
114
00:04:16,689 --> 00:04:18,379
I know what would be relaxing...
115
00:04:18,448 --> 00:04:19,586
Juggling steak knives.
116
00:04:20,551 --> 00:04:21,620
Or we could just talk.
117
00:04:21,689 --> 00:04:23,209
Teen pregnancy:
What are your thoughts?
118
00:04:23,241 --> 00:04:25,551
Well, i'’m against
teen pregnancy
119
00:04:25,620 --> 00:04:28,344
but i'’m foryou
juggling steak knives.
120
00:04:28,413 --> 00:04:31,689
Well, at least she
exited with a joke.
121
00:04:31,758 --> 00:04:34,551
[ Thunder crashing]
122
00:04:39,827 --> 00:04:40,827
[ Screaming]
123
00:04:40,896 --> 00:04:41,965
The grim reaper!
124
00:04:42,034 --> 00:04:43,068
[ Screaming]No, Sabrina!
125
00:04:44,068 --> 00:04:45,310
It'’s me, aunt Zelda.
126
00:04:46,206 --> 00:04:47,551
The grim part is
127
00:04:47,620 --> 00:04:48,896
this material doesn'’t breathe.
128
00:04:48,965 --> 00:04:51,310
I'’m so sorry I
scared you, dear.
129
00:04:51,379 --> 00:04:54,413
Every witch has to
do this at some point.
130
00:04:54,482 --> 00:04:57,413
It'’s like jury duty...
Without the free donuts.
131
00:04:57,482 --> 00:04:59,448
I just find it unsettling
that my aunt goes around
132
00:04:59,517 --> 00:05:01,000
telling people
it'’s time to die.
133
00:05:01,068 --> 00:05:02,079
Wait a minute, that'’s not why
134
00:05:02,103 --> 00:05:03,286
you'’re here
talking to me, is it?
135
00:05:03,310 --> 00:05:04,689
No, no, no, no, no, no, no.
136
00:05:04,758 --> 00:05:06,034
You'’ve got it all wrong.
137
00:05:06,103 --> 00:05:08,137
This is merely a service
138
00:05:08,206 --> 00:05:10,827
for witches who Don'’t
take bad news well.
139
00:05:10,896 --> 00:05:13,586
Like an I.R.S. Audit, or
a particularly nasty boil.
140
00:05:13,655 --> 00:05:15,827
We break it to them gently.
141
00:05:15,896 --> 00:05:17,206
But why the outfit?
142
00:05:17,275 --> 00:05:18,068
Tradition.
143
00:05:18,137 --> 00:05:20,620
And the traditional clipboard?
144
00:05:20,689 --> 00:05:23,137
Well, we give them a
receipt, for tax purposes.
145
00:05:23,206 --> 00:05:25,931
[ Beeper plays "doomsday" theme]
146
00:05:26,000 --> 00:05:28,137
Oh, well, duty calls.
147
00:05:28,206 --> 00:05:29,862
Someone'’s about
to bounce a check.
148
00:05:31,275 --> 00:05:33,034
Mrs. Quick, I can'’t see
149
00:05:33,103 --> 00:05:36,034
because of the glare
from Sabrina'’s sash.
150
00:05:36,103 --> 00:05:38,689
Class, please, I Don'’t want
to hear anyone making fun
151
00:05:38,758 --> 00:05:41,241
of how stupid Sabrina looks.
152
00:05:41,310 --> 00:05:43,310
Look, I swear on
my mother'’s grave...
153
00:05:43,379 --> 00:05:46,000
Okay, my mother'’s condo...
154
00:05:46,068 --> 00:05:48,586
Sabrina'’s worldis going
to getmuch more exciting.
155
00:05:48,655 --> 00:05:50,448
I can'’t tell you how, exactly
156
00:05:50,517 --> 00:05:53,275
but let'’s just say it
involves a whole lot of blood.
157
00:05:53,344 --> 00:05:55,724
Salem, can you pick
this clasp with your claws?
158
00:05:55,793 --> 00:05:57,344
That was Sabrina.
159
00:05:57,413 --> 00:05:59,931
She forgot something really
important for chemistry class.
160
00:06:00,000 --> 00:06:00,655
What is it?
161
00:06:00,724 --> 00:06:01,931
Um...
162
00:06:02,000 --> 00:06:03,344
A barrel of nuclear waste.
163
00:06:03,965 --> 00:06:06,517
[ Screaming]
164
00:06:06,586 --> 00:06:08,620
Is that nuclear waste?
165
00:06:08,689 --> 00:06:10,448
According to the label.
166
00:06:10,517 --> 00:06:13,275
But the label'’s burning
because it'’s leaking!
167
00:06:13,344 --> 00:06:14,275
Oh, my.
168
00:06:14,344 --> 00:06:15,517
You'’re the safety monitor.
169
00:06:15,586 --> 00:06:17,068
What do we do?
170
00:06:17,137 --> 00:06:20,620
Uh... okay, everybody
stay calm, get in single file
171
00:06:20,689 --> 00:06:22,000
and run for your lives!
172
00:06:24,000 --> 00:06:25,965
[ Students murmuring]
173
00:06:26,034 --> 00:06:29,965
It'’s okay, everyone,
just a little minor radiation.
174
00:06:30,034 --> 00:06:32,379
None of us wanted to
have kids, anyway, right?
175
00:06:33,586 --> 00:06:36,206
Oh, very disappointing,
miss spellman.
176
00:06:36,275 --> 00:06:38,551
In my day, safety monitors
177
00:06:38,620 --> 00:06:41,172
cleaned up toxic
spills themselves.
178
00:06:41,241 --> 00:06:44,379
And i'’ve got the
lesions to prove it.
179
00:06:48,241 --> 00:06:49,241
Y'’ello?
180
00:06:49,275 --> 00:06:50,413
Salem, it'’s Sabrina.
181
00:06:50,482 --> 00:06:52,655
Something strange is going on.
182
00:06:52,724 --> 00:06:53,586
Good...
183
00:06:53,655 --> 00:06:55,034
I mean, Sabrina'’s not here.
184
00:06:56,379 --> 00:06:57,724
Well, i'’m out of here.
185
00:06:57,793 --> 00:06:59,482
I'’ve got to drop off
some dry cleaning
186
00:06:59,551 --> 00:07:01,137
and tell a guy
about his prostate.
187
00:07:01,206 --> 00:07:03,413
Oh, that reminds
me... Sabrina called.
188
00:07:03,482 --> 00:07:06,758
She, uh, needs to get
her gray dress cleaned.
189
00:07:06,827 --> 00:07:08,137
Oh.
190
00:07:09,724 --> 00:07:10,862
[ Screams]
191
00:07:13,103 --> 00:07:14,551
[ Sighs]
192
00:07:14,620 --> 00:07:17,827
Next year, uniforms.
193
00:07:17,896 --> 00:07:20,172
Anyone home?
194
00:07:20,241 --> 00:07:22,482
Anyone who happened
to see my clothes?
195
00:07:22,551 --> 00:07:24,103
Hey, i'’m on TV.
196
00:07:24,172 --> 00:07:26,172
I'’m on TV?
197
00:07:26,241 --> 00:07:28,758
People are probably
watching this right now...
198
00:07:28,827 --> 00:07:30,655
And i'’m wearing a shrubbery!
199
00:07:30,724 --> 00:07:32,551
Salem!
200
00:07:35,862 --> 00:07:38,137
First things first...
No mortals around.
201
00:07:38,206 --> 00:07:39,931
And now to eliminate the cat.
202
00:07:41,586 --> 00:07:42,827
What'’s all this?
203
00:07:42,896 --> 00:07:44,793
Your fan mail.
204
00:07:44,862 --> 00:07:46,379
"I love your show.
205
00:07:46,448 --> 00:07:49,310
Is it hard to drool that
much while you'’re sleeping?"
206
00:07:49,379 --> 00:07:50,379
Gross!
207
00:07:50,413 --> 00:07:53,206
Is it? I have an overbite.
208
00:07:53,275 --> 00:07:54,689
All right, all right.
209
00:07:54,758 --> 00:07:57,931
Hey, mom! No nukes!
210
00:08:00,068 --> 00:08:01,241
[ Salem groaning]
211
00:08:01,310 --> 00:08:02,310
Salem?
212
00:08:02,379 --> 00:08:03,379
[ Groaning]
213
00:08:03,448 --> 00:08:05,241
Someone better be harming you.
214
00:08:05,310 --> 00:08:07,482
Oh... yes.
215
00:08:07,551 --> 00:08:09,137
Oh-ho, very good.
216
00:08:09,206 --> 00:08:10,827
Oh, right there.
217
00:08:10,896 --> 00:08:12,655
Sven, of all the
perks i'’ve gotten
218
00:08:12,724 --> 00:08:15,655
from this television
show, you'’re my favorite.
219
00:08:15,724 --> 00:08:19,758
In fact, you'’re officially
in my entourage.
220
00:08:19,827 --> 00:08:21,448
Oh, yeah.
221
00:08:21,517 --> 00:08:22,827
Here we go.
222
00:08:22,896 --> 00:08:25,034
Oh, yeah... A
little rough, sven.
223
00:08:25,103 --> 00:08:26,413
Easy, boy...
224
00:08:26,482 --> 00:08:28,655
Hey, Sabrina, I didn'’t
know you were home.
225
00:08:28,724 --> 00:08:31,724
Oh, well, then you obviously
haven'’t been watching TV.
226
00:08:31,793 --> 00:08:33,758
Oh, you found out, huh?
227
00:08:33,827 --> 00:08:35,758
Yeah. Salem, how
many people watched me
228
00:08:35,827 --> 00:08:37,551
hock up a phlegm
ball this morning?
229
00:08:37,620 --> 00:08:39,482
M-Morning is a low-viewing time
230
00:08:39,551 --> 00:08:41,655
so i'’d say not
more than... millions.
231
00:08:41,724 --> 00:08:42,655
Millions?!
232
00:08:42,724 --> 00:08:43,965
You'’re a huge star...
233
00:08:44,034 --> 00:08:45,551
Especially in prisons.
234
00:08:45,620 --> 00:08:47,068
This stops now.
235
00:08:47,137 --> 00:08:49,482
I Don'’t know where
you'’ve hidden your cameras
236
00:08:49,551 --> 00:08:51,137
but I want them
gone, understand?
237
00:08:52,862 --> 00:08:54,862
Sorry, sweetie.
238
00:08:54,931 --> 00:08:58,517
I own the rights to your life.
239
00:08:58,586 --> 00:09:00,103
I'’ve got a contract...
240
00:09:00,172 --> 00:09:03,517
And it'’s ironclad.
241
00:09:05,413 --> 00:09:06,655
I didn'’t sign anything.
242
00:09:06,724 --> 00:09:08,413
No, but the cat did.
243
00:09:08,482 --> 00:09:10,620
Oh, go ahead
and try to fight it.
244
00:09:10,689 --> 00:09:12,172
By the time it
reached the courts
245
00:09:12,241 --> 00:09:13,689
we'’ll be watching your dotage.
246
00:09:13,758 --> 00:09:15,068
Would you like
247
00:09:15,137 --> 00:09:16,137
an herbal wrap?
248
00:09:17,137 --> 00:09:18,413
I'’m sorry, Sabrina.
249
00:09:18,482 --> 00:09:20,620
If the contract is ironclad,
there'’s no way out.
250
00:09:20,689 --> 00:09:22,620
How about a marriage contract?
251
00:09:22,689 --> 00:09:25,379
My husband says marriage
isn'’t a word; It'’s a sentence. Ha!
252
00:09:25,448 --> 00:09:26,931
Her husband?
253
00:09:27,000 --> 00:09:28,448
It'’s a long story.
254
00:09:28,517 --> 00:09:29,517
You know
255
00:09:29,551 --> 00:09:30,931
i'’ve heard of television shows
256
00:09:31,000 --> 00:09:33,103
getting canceled when
their ratings are lousy
257
00:09:33,172 --> 00:09:34,896
but short of that
happening, you'’re sunk.
258
00:09:34,965 --> 00:09:37,620
Hey, great idea. I'’ll just
make my show unbearably dull.
259
00:09:37,689 --> 00:09:39,827
That way, no one'’ll watch
it, and it'’ll get yanked.
260
00:09:39,896 --> 00:09:41,172
Watch out, young lady.
261
00:09:41,241 --> 00:09:43,034
With that approach,
someday you'’ll run
262
00:09:43,103 --> 00:09:45,034
your own network. Ha-ha!
263
00:09:47,655 --> 00:09:49,586
[ Doorbell rings]
264
00:09:52,655 --> 00:09:53,793
Harvey, what happened?
265
00:09:53,862 --> 00:09:55,241
I'’m sure it was very dull.
266
00:09:55,310 --> 00:09:58,034
You remember when I
went to the mall to buy socks?
267
00:09:58,103 --> 00:09:59,103
Yes. Great topic.
268
00:09:59,137 --> 00:10:00,862
So, did you go
with the all cotton
269
00:10:00,931 --> 00:10:02,137
or the wool-poly blend?
270
00:10:02,206 --> 00:10:03,137
Believe it or not
271
00:10:03,206 --> 00:10:04,586
that wasn'’t the exciting part.
272
00:10:04,655 --> 00:10:06,034
On the way to the mall
273
00:10:06,103 --> 00:10:08,034
I rescued this family
from a burning building.
274
00:10:08,103 --> 00:10:10,482
I see. Well, um, so
back to the socks.
275
00:10:10,551 --> 00:10:12,310
And there I was,
eating a Mr. Slushy
276
00:10:12,379 --> 00:10:14,620
when suddenly, I heard
someone cry for help.
277
00:10:14,689 --> 00:10:17,586
Hilda: Ow! Ow! Does that welding
torch have to be so hot? Ow!
278
00:10:17,655 --> 00:10:19,137
Uh, what size was your slushy?
279
00:10:19,206 --> 00:10:21,689
Shouldn'’t we go see if
whoever was screaming in terror
280
00:10:21,758 --> 00:10:22,931
can be helped?
281
00:10:23,000 --> 00:10:25,344
No, she'’s just memorizing
her lines... community theater.
282
00:10:25,413 --> 00:10:27,310
This, this dullness
thing won'’t last.
283
00:10:27,379 --> 00:10:29,448
Sabrina will break.
284
00:10:29,517 --> 00:10:30,517
She better.
285
00:10:31,344 --> 00:10:33,862
Okay, kids, i'’m off.
286
00:10:33,931 --> 00:10:36,034
Somebody'’s got
asbestos in his crawl space.
287
00:10:36,103 --> 00:10:38,724
Was that your aunt
dressed like the grim reaper?
288
00:10:38,793 --> 00:10:41,206
Yeah, she'’s in the same play.
289
00:10:41,275 --> 00:10:43,655
There she is!
290
00:10:43,724 --> 00:10:45,000
It'’s TV'’s Sabrina!
291
00:10:45,068 --> 00:10:46,137
Smile!
292
00:10:46,206 --> 00:10:48,310
Oh, why these are
the other members
293
00:10:48,379 --> 00:10:49,965
of the theater company.
294
00:10:50,034 --> 00:10:52,655
They must be having
a dress rehearsal.
295
00:10:52,724 --> 00:10:54,758
What play are they doing?
296
00:10:54,827 --> 00:10:56,448
Uh, two gentleman of verona?
297
00:10:56,517 --> 00:10:58,517
Mrs. Quick, what
happened to your face?
298
00:10:58,586 --> 00:11:00,517
Oh, Sabrina, remember
when I told you
299
00:11:00,586 --> 00:11:02,275
that peas were the one vegetable
300
00:11:02,344 --> 00:11:03,275
I wasn'’t allergic to?
301
00:11:03,344 --> 00:11:04,724
I was horribly wrong.
302
00:11:04,793 --> 00:11:06,103
Would you like to hear
303
00:11:06,172 --> 00:11:08,034
about my near-death experience?
304
00:11:08,103 --> 00:11:11,068
No. Actually, i'’d rather
talk to you about... jell-o.
305
00:11:11,137 --> 00:11:12,655
But I saw god.
306
00:11:12,724 --> 00:11:14,034
Guess what.
307
00:11:14,103 --> 00:11:16,310
After school, the mayor'’s
going to give me a medal.
308
00:11:16,379 --> 00:11:18,103
Want to ride in
the limo with me?
309
00:11:18,172 --> 00:11:19,620
Harvey, do you mind?
310
00:11:19,689 --> 00:11:21,931
We were having a
conversation about jell-o.
311
00:11:22,000 --> 00:11:25,448
I'’m a lime girl myself.
312
00:11:25,517 --> 00:11:28,310
Saberhagen, our
ratings are plummeting.
313
00:11:28,379 --> 00:11:30,275
We'’ve got to do something.
314
00:11:30,344 --> 00:11:31,482
Add a laugh track?
315
00:11:33,551 --> 00:11:35,310
[ Motor revving]
316
00:11:35,379 --> 00:11:36,310
[ Grunts]
317
00:11:36,379 --> 00:11:38,413
That thing won'’t budge.
318
00:11:38,482 --> 00:11:40,448
Like my husband'’s
hand on his wallet.
319
00:11:40,517 --> 00:11:42,137
Zellie, what am I going to do?
320
00:11:42,206 --> 00:11:43,862
Bryce will be here any minute.
321
00:11:43,931 --> 00:11:45,965
Maybe he won'’t
have a sense of humor
322
00:11:46,034 --> 00:11:47,551
and he'’ll find you funny.
323
00:11:47,620 --> 00:11:49,241
Zelda... there'’s something
324
00:11:49,310 --> 00:11:51,758
that I haven'’t told
you about Bryce.
325
00:11:51,827 --> 00:11:55,068
He'’s short, really short.
326
00:11:55,137 --> 00:11:58,172
Why he'’s so short, he has
to reach up to tie his shoes.
327
00:11:58,241 --> 00:12:00,068
Oh, my, he'’s going
to be a joke magnet.
328
00:12:00,137 --> 00:12:01,827
Help.
329
00:12:01,896 --> 00:12:04,137
Okay. Well, how
about if I stay for dinner
330
00:12:04,206 --> 00:12:06,034
and do all the talking for you?
331
00:12:06,103 --> 00:12:08,689
Oh, that would be great,
except you look like death.
332
00:12:08,758 --> 00:12:09,965
Oh, right.
333
00:12:10,034 --> 00:12:12,827
Well, i'’ll just tell him
it'’s religious garb.
334
00:12:12,896 --> 00:12:14,965
Zellie, what would
I do without you?
335
00:12:15,034 --> 00:12:17,034
Besides throw
one heck of a party.
336
00:12:17,103 --> 00:12:19,241
277...
337
00:12:19,310 --> 00:12:20,758
278...
338
00:12:20,827 --> 00:12:22,758
279...
339
00:12:22,827 --> 00:12:23,758
280...
340
00:12:23,827 --> 00:12:25,206
Sabrina
341
00:12:25,275 --> 00:12:27,862
will you please stop
counting the ceiling tiles?
342
00:12:27,931 --> 00:12:30,620
Now you made me mess up.
343
00:12:30,689 --> 00:12:34,620
One, two, three...
344
00:12:34,689 --> 00:12:37,517
Ceiling tiles, huh?
345
00:12:37,586 --> 00:12:38,620
There is no way
346
00:12:38,689 --> 00:12:40,965
i'’m letting this
show get canceled.
347
00:12:41,034 --> 00:12:44,586
I haven'’t had a hit since
make room for nostradamus.
348
00:12:44,655 --> 00:12:47,034
I found that show
verypredictable.
349
00:12:47,103 --> 00:12:49,000
Predict this.
350
00:12:52,448 --> 00:12:54,379
There'’s a twister
351
00:12:54,448 --> 00:12:55,517
in the hallway!
352
00:12:55,586 --> 00:12:57,103
[ All screaming]
353
00:12:57,172 --> 00:12:59,172
Head for the root cellar!
354
00:12:59,241 --> 00:13:00,172
All: Huh?
355
00:13:00,241 --> 00:13:01,965
Sorry, i'’m from the midwest.
356
00:13:02,034 --> 00:13:04,241
I just know
Salem'’s behind this.
357
00:13:04,310 --> 00:13:06,172
Come on. Aren'’t
you going to help?
358
00:13:06,241 --> 00:13:09,137
Oh, a tornado'’s just like a
cold; You just have to let it
359
00:13:09,206 --> 00:13:10,620
run its course.
360
00:13:10,689 --> 00:13:13,517
She'’s just sitting
there. Yet i'’m riveted.
361
00:13:13,586 --> 00:13:14,965
Hilda, Bryce is here.
362
00:13:15,034 --> 00:13:16,517
He wanted me to warn you.
363
00:13:16,586 --> 00:13:18,689
He'’s misplaced his toupee.
364
00:13:18,758 --> 00:13:19,862
Hi, hilda.
365
00:13:19,931 --> 00:13:22,724
Hi, Bryce. A pool hall called.
366
00:13:22,793 --> 00:13:25,344
That'’s quite a cough
you got there, hilda.
367
00:13:25,413 --> 00:13:28,344
I'’m afraid hilda'’s
picked up a nasty virus
368
00:13:28,413 --> 00:13:29,689
that prevents her from talking.
369
00:13:29,758 --> 00:13:30,517
Laryngitis?
370
00:13:30,586 --> 00:13:31,655
Much worse.
371
00:13:31,724 --> 00:13:33,689
Oh, '’cause my family
has a home remedy.
372
00:13:33,758 --> 00:13:34,689
We'’re Polish, you know?
373
00:13:34,758 --> 00:13:36,965
Easy, girl.
374
00:13:37,034 --> 00:13:39,344
[ Doomsday beeper goes off]
375
00:13:39,413 --> 00:13:42,448
I'’m afraid I have to
run a small errand.
376
00:13:42,517 --> 00:13:43,758
Another symptom.
377
00:13:43,827 --> 00:13:45,344
Uh, i'’ll be right back.
378
00:13:45,413 --> 00:13:47,517
Whatever he says, Don'’t talk.
379
00:13:50,275 --> 00:13:51,793
Okay... be brutal.
380
00:13:51,862 --> 00:13:54,586
How do I look
without the hairpiece?
381
00:13:56,896 --> 00:13:59,034
Mr. Kraft, what
are we going to do?
382
00:13:59,103 --> 00:14:02,310
Well, why Don'’t we
ask our safety monitor?
383
00:14:02,379 --> 00:14:05,931
Oh, we could
talk about... jell-o?
384
00:14:09,965 --> 00:14:12,068
It'’s rule number
one of television:
385
00:14:12,137 --> 00:14:15,896
When things get
slow, add conflict.
386
00:14:15,965 --> 00:14:17,896
[ Rumbling]
387
00:14:17,965 --> 00:14:19,655
But not the kind of conflict
388
00:14:19,724 --> 00:14:22,034
that requires
reconstructive surgery.
389
00:14:22,103 --> 00:14:24,103
I will not let this be exciting.
390
00:14:27,172 --> 00:14:29,000
Was that an earthquake?
391
00:14:29,068 --> 00:14:30,344
Or a big truck.
392
00:14:30,413 --> 00:14:32,034
It istrash day.
393
00:14:32,103 --> 00:14:35,413
Just thinking out loud here,
but is this such a good idea?
394
00:14:35,482 --> 00:14:37,620
If something should
happen to our star
395
00:14:37,689 --> 00:14:40,793
I could have a few really
uncomfortable weeks at home.
396
00:14:42,482 --> 00:14:44,551
Not that I Don'’t like good TV.
397
00:14:44,620 --> 00:14:46,379
I haven'’t had this much trouble
398
00:14:46,448 --> 00:14:49,241
with a star since gentle Ben.
399
00:14:49,310 --> 00:14:51,172
Oh, my god!
400
00:14:51,241 --> 00:14:53,586
[ Cackling]
401
00:14:53,655 --> 00:14:55,931
In a way, this is like a ride.
402
00:14:56,000 --> 00:14:57,310
This is Massachusetts.
403
00:14:57,379 --> 00:14:59,241
Why are we having earthquakes?
404
00:14:59,310 --> 00:15:00,931
Democrats.
405
00:15:02,275 --> 00:15:03,379
Do something!
406
00:15:03,448 --> 00:15:05,344
My life is at stake here.
407
00:15:05,413 --> 00:15:06,551
Maybe if
408
00:15:06,620 --> 00:15:07,931
I brace you
409
00:15:08,000 --> 00:15:10,275
you could just flip through
the safety monitor'’s manual.
410
00:15:11,620 --> 00:15:13,103
Listen up!
411
00:15:13,172 --> 00:15:14,827
If we all stay calm
412
00:15:14,896 --> 00:15:16,758
and more importantly,
uninteresting
413
00:15:16,827 --> 00:15:19,344
I might be able to
lead us all to a fire exit!
414
00:15:21,068 --> 00:15:22,862
That'’s better.
415
00:15:22,931 --> 00:15:25,344
[ Screaming]
416
00:15:25,413 --> 00:15:28,896
Have my eyes swollen
shut, or did the lights go out?
417
00:15:28,965 --> 00:15:32,965
Is there anyonehere who is
qualified to take confession?
418
00:15:37,724 --> 00:15:40,655
Oh, i'’ve heard about this guy.
419
00:15:40,724 --> 00:15:42,758
He won'’t accept bad news.
420
00:15:47,482 --> 00:15:48,551
Hello.
421
00:15:48,620 --> 00:15:50,689
I'’m afraid I have bad news.
422
00:15:50,758 --> 00:15:51,758
Your shoes...
423
00:15:51,827 --> 00:15:53,034
Sorry. Nobody home.
424
00:15:55,103 --> 00:15:58,000
Come here, you little
asparagus Spears.
425
00:15:59,310 --> 00:16:02,000
Zelda, hurry!
426
00:16:03,793 --> 00:16:06,310
♪ Hello? Anyone there?
427
00:16:09,379 --> 00:16:11,724
My greatest wish is
that they find my body
428
00:16:11,793 --> 00:16:14,068
at least a few feet
away from you people.
429
00:16:14,137 --> 00:16:15,137
Oh... oh...
430
00:16:15,206 --> 00:16:17,241
Come on, guys. We'’re
almost out of here.
431
00:16:17,310 --> 00:16:18,586
We'’re all going to die.
432
00:16:18,655 --> 00:16:19,965
We'’re just all going to die.
433
00:16:20,034 --> 00:16:22,448
Mr. Kraft, would you please
stop clutching my hand?
434
00:16:22,517 --> 00:16:23,517
And mine!
435
00:16:23,586 --> 00:16:24,965
I'’m sorry. I think that'’s me.
436
00:16:26,655 --> 00:16:28,241
Mmm. There'’s a sauce
437
00:16:28,310 --> 00:16:30,241
that'’ll put some
hair on your chest.
438
00:16:35,586 --> 00:16:38,517
Yes? Your shoes will give
you a bad case of athlete'’s foot.
439
00:16:38,586 --> 00:16:41,344
Sorry. Didn'’t hear you!
440
00:16:41,413 --> 00:16:43,241
[ Buzzing]
441
00:16:43,310 --> 00:16:46,172
See? Except for a few
cases of post-traumatic
442
00:16:46,241 --> 00:16:48,724
stress disorder, we'’re
all going to be okay.
443
00:16:48,793 --> 00:16:49,793
[ Panicked gasps]
444
00:16:49,827 --> 00:16:50,862
Aftershock!
445
00:16:50,931 --> 00:16:52,758
Oh, will it never end?!
446
00:16:52,827 --> 00:16:54,862
I give up. It'’s
never going to stop!
447
00:16:54,931 --> 00:16:56,896
Never! Never! Never! Never!
448
00:16:58,000 --> 00:16:59,310
I'’m sorry, Sabrina.
449
00:16:59,379 --> 00:17:01,172
You'’re on my last nerve.
450
00:17:03,517 --> 00:17:05,655
Here. If I Don'’t
make it out of here
451
00:17:05,724 --> 00:17:07,068
give this to my lawyer.
452
00:17:07,137 --> 00:17:08,827
It'’s a declaration of love.
453
00:17:08,896 --> 00:17:11,034
Oh, that'’s for Sandra bullock.
454
00:17:11,103 --> 00:17:13,827
I know you saw me,
and I know you heard me.
455
00:17:13,896 --> 00:17:16,827
Now, sign the freaking
receipt so I can be on my way!
456
00:17:16,896 --> 00:17:17,896
Can'’t write.
457
00:17:17,931 --> 00:17:18,931
[ Screams]
458
00:17:18,965 --> 00:17:20,310
Yes! We made it.
459
00:17:20,379 --> 00:17:22,586
And we didn'’t have
to resort to cannibalism.
460
00:17:22,655 --> 00:17:23,655
Hold it.
461
00:17:23,724 --> 00:17:25,068
Who'’s going to represent us
462
00:17:25,137 --> 00:17:26,862
in our lawsuit
against the school?
463
00:17:26,931 --> 00:17:29,000
[ Heavy footsteps thudding]
464
00:17:29,068 --> 00:17:32,034
[ Animal roaring]
465
00:17:32,103 --> 00:17:35,655
Please let that be the sophomore
with the glandular condition.
466
00:17:35,724 --> 00:17:38,068
Is it the fat sophomore?
467
00:17:38,137 --> 00:17:39,310
What do you think?
468
00:17:39,379 --> 00:17:40,586
Sabrina: Nope.
469
00:17:40,655 --> 00:17:42,620
Walter'’s legs
are not that green.
470
00:17:43,586 --> 00:17:44,758
Dinosaur!
471
00:17:44,827 --> 00:17:46,931
Mrs. Quick, you
may have to slap me!
472
00:17:47,000 --> 00:17:48,517
Now, let'’s be calm.
473
00:17:48,586 --> 00:17:50,413
What'’s happened is the earth'’s
474
00:17:50,482 --> 00:17:52,137
tectonic plates have shifted.
475
00:17:52,206 --> 00:17:54,965
Certain gaseous
solutions have imploded
476
00:17:55,034 --> 00:17:58,896
and we'’re all going to die!
477
00:17:58,965 --> 00:17:59,965
Go, safety monitor!
478
00:18:00,034 --> 00:18:01,068
What?!
479
00:18:01,137 --> 00:18:04,413
You expect me to face
that creature alone?!
480
00:18:04,482 --> 00:18:06,620
Of course not. Here.
481
00:18:06,689 --> 00:18:07,689
Aim high.
482
00:18:09,931 --> 00:18:12,931
I have to admit...
This ispretty exciting.
483
00:18:13,000 --> 00:18:14,344
More corn?
484
00:18:14,413 --> 00:18:16,310
[ Dinosaur growling]
485
00:18:16,379 --> 00:18:18,206
Okay...
486
00:18:18,275 --> 00:18:20,896
I'’ll just engage it in
friendly conversation.
487
00:18:20,965 --> 00:18:22,448
Then maybe it'’ll go away.
488
00:18:22,517 --> 00:18:24,862
But what language
do giant lizards speak?
489
00:18:24,931 --> 00:18:26,758
Of course, Japanese.
490
00:18:26,827 --> 00:18:30,862
[ Speaking Japanese]
491
00:18:30,931 --> 00:18:33,172
I didn'’t know Sabrina
could speak Japanese.
492
00:18:33,241 --> 00:18:36,137
Oh, yes. It'’s part of every
safety monitor'’s training.
493
00:18:36,206 --> 00:18:39,482
[ Speaking French]
494
00:18:43,758 --> 00:18:45,000
A French dinosaur...
495
00:18:45,068 --> 00:18:47,517
I only wish this was
the strangest thing
496
00:18:47,586 --> 00:18:48,965
i'’ve ever encountered.
497
00:18:49,034 --> 00:18:53,034
[ Speaking French]
498
00:19:09,965 --> 00:19:12,172
Hilda, I know
something'’s wrong.
499
00:19:12,241 --> 00:19:14,172
I Don'’t think you
even have laryngitis.
500
00:19:14,241 --> 00:19:16,034
I think it was all
a bald-faced lie.
501
00:19:17,482 --> 00:19:19,655
Sorry. I Don'’t
mean to be short.
502
00:19:19,724 --> 00:19:21,275
Short?! You'’re so short
503
00:19:21,344 --> 00:19:23,172
when it rains, you'’re
the last to know.
504
00:19:23,241 --> 00:19:24,793
You could milk a
cow standing up.
505
00:19:24,862 --> 00:19:25,862
And bald?
506
00:19:25,931 --> 00:19:27,275
You'’re so bald, an eagle tried
507
00:19:27,344 --> 00:19:28,862
to hatch your head;
You know what?
508
00:19:28,931 --> 00:19:30,931
There'’s a cure for
baldness; It'’s called hair.
509
00:19:31,000 --> 00:19:33,310
Boy, Sabrina, you
really saved the day.
510
00:19:33,379 --> 00:19:35,586
You know, all this
drama has helped me
511
00:19:35,655 --> 00:19:37,241
put my life in perspective.
512
00:19:37,310 --> 00:19:39,931
For example, I no longer
obsess over the fact
513
00:19:40,000 --> 00:19:41,827
that a single pea could kill me.
514
00:19:41,896 --> 00:19:43,931
Thanks for being
so brave, Sabrina.
515
00:19:44,000 --> 00:19:46,034
Yeah, yeah, yeah, I
was brave. It was exciting.
516
00:19:46,103 --> 00:19:47,344
This whole day stinks.
517
00:19:47,413 --> 00:19:48,827
Uh, let'’s not forget
518
00:19:48,896 --> 00:19:50,827
who appointed
her safety monitor.
519
00:19:50,896 --> 00:19:52,620
You know what i'’m
going to do for you?
520
00:19:52,689 --> 00:19:54,655
I'’m going to make
you a big bowl of jell-o.
521
00:19:54,724 --> 00:19:56,241
I never knew you
liked it so much.
522
00:19:59,034 --> 00:20:01,482
Hilda, i'’ve got bad news.
523
00:20:01,551 --> 00:20:03,724
Bryce is going to
break up with you.
524
00:20:03,793 --> 00:20:05,310
You'’re too late. He just left.
525
00:20:05,379 --> 00:20:07,758
Oh, hildie, i'’m so sorry.
526
00:20:07,827 --> 00:20:10,000
Sign the receipt.
527
00:20:16,517 --> 00:20:18,172
Hey, Sabrina.
528
00:20:18,241 --> 00:20:19,620
Everything okay?
529
00:20:19,689 --> 00:20:22,068
No. My life has become
such an adventure
530
00:20:22,137 --> 00:20:25,275
that Sabrina'’s world
will never be canceled.
531
00:20:25,344 --> 00:20:27,034
Seriously, my
hometown was so small
532
00:20:27,103 --> 00:20:29,379
you couldn'’t buy a house
without exact change.
533
00:20:29,448 --> 00:20:32,172
Our family doctor worked
at Joe'’s hospital... and grill.
534
00:20:32,241 --> 00:20:33,827
Hey, what'’s aunt hilda doing
535
00:20:33,896 --> 00:20:35,310
in my time slot?
536
00:20:35,379 --> 00:20:37,896
Well, I paid a little visit
to your TV producer.
537
00:20:37,965 --> 00:20:39,827
My outfit made
him kind of nervous
538
00:20:39,896 --> 00:20:41,379
so he made me a deal.
539
00:20:41,448 --> 00:20:44,103
If I didn'’t kill him, he'’d
cancel Sabrina'’s world.
540
00:20:44,172 --> 00:20:47,103
But I thought you
didn'’t actually kill people.
541
00:20:47,172 --> 00:20:49,172
Well, I Don'’t, but I sort
of mumbled his bad news
542
00:20:49,241 --> 00:20:50,965
and he thought I said
he was going to die.
543
00:20:51,034 --> 00:20:52,034
What was the news?
544
00:20:52,103 --> 00:20:54,000
He was going to get
a bad piece of pie.
545
00:20:54,068 --> 00:20:55,896
But seriously, a
man walks into a bar
546
00:20:55,965 --> 00:20:57,724
says to a horse
"why the long face?"
547
00:20:57,793 --> 00:20:59,034
Something like that. Oh, dear.
548
00:20:59,103 --> 00:21:00,620
You know...
549
00:21:00,689 --> 00:21:02,275
I'’m going to start
reading more.
550
00:21:04,724 --> 00:21:06,655
♪
38741
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