All language subtitles for s b t b s02e06 1080p web h264-ggez (1)_track3_[eng]

- And at a certain age,

it becomes too late
to reinvent yourself,

so yeah, I'll admit it.

I'm really concerned
about the Undertaker,

now that he's retired
from wrestling.

- Thank you for sharing that.

Uh, now I'd like to talk
about Slater.

- Ooh, Heath Slater,
from "Monday Night Raw"?

- No. You.

- Oh. Well, I don't know.

There's not a lot
to talk about.

My life's been pretty normal.

- So your dad threatened

to blow up your friend
with a live grenade?

- Yeah, but it was the '90s.

Well, I guess he
also did it last year,

to a Postmates guy he thought
had eaten one of his fries.

My mom wasn't around much
in high school.

Like, I know I had a mom
'cause she was mentioned once.

[quirky music]

I think I had a mom.

- So you and Zack did all those
terrible things to each other,

and he was your best friend?

- [scoffs] Don't be ridiculous.

My best friend
was a chameleon named Artie.

- Oh, okay.
Tell me more about Artie.

- Don't you dare say his name!
You haven't earned the right.

- Okay.

Well, I'm out of paper.

What do you say we talk
about the week ahead?

Any potential stressors?

- [scoffs]
I don't have any stressors.

Go to school. Hit the gym.

Go to the Bayside career fair

where all my really successful
high school friends

will make me feel
like a failure.

Watch TV. Do a "sukodu."

- Um...
- Yeah, I know.

I heard it.

[sighs]

It--it's not a big thing.

It's just all my friends
have these big jobs,

and I'm gonna be the only chump
there without a booth.

- Remember what
we talked about.

Everything doesn't
have to be a competition.

- Yeah, but back
in high school, everything was.

Zack was always like,
"Bet I can date that girl.

"Bet I can win Miss Bayside.

Bet I can date your sister JB,"

who I also never saw again,

and no one ever
talked about it.

- Maybe this is your chance
to break old patterns.

What if you chose
not to compete with Zack?

- [chuckles]
Yeah, maybe.

Listen, Doc,
don't take this the wrong way,

but you haven't
helped me at all.

And I've been coming here
for now, what, ten years?

- You've been here three times.

- Hmm.

[school bell rings]

- * When I wake up
in the mornin' *

* Alarm gives out a warnin' *

* I don't think
I'll ever make it on time *

[school bell ringing]

* By the time I
grab my books *

* And I give myself a look *

* I'm at the corner
just in time *

* It's all right,
it's all right *

* Saved by the bell,
it's all right *

* It's all right,
saved by the bell *

* It's all right *

* 'Cause I'm saved
by the bell *

[school bell ringing]

- Who's excited
for the career fair?

- Ooh, I am.

I want to learn
all about a career

I know very little about,
like a brain sturgeon.

No, no, no, no.
That's a bad example.

I actually know
quite a bit about that.

- I can't wait.

I made this map plotting out
the route we need to take

so we can hit every booth.

- Ooh, I get your brand now.

Weird adult Disney fan.

And career fair is like
your fairytale wedding

where we all pretend
it's normal

that Goofy's walking you
down the aisle.

- I love career fair.

Unfortunately, I won't be able
to make it this year.

[soft dramatic music]

I'm working on something
pretty important.

- Stop acting so mysterious.

You're obviously
just pranking Toddman again.

- Am I?

Or perhaps
I'm turning a new leaf.

May chance the jester
is taking off--

- I'm not going either,
but I have a good excuse.

It sounds boring.
- Aisha, come on.

The Bayside Career Fair
is a huge deal.

It's where Jeffrey Katzenberg
found his new job

after Quibi flopped.

- So it's not gonna be like
the Douglas Career Fair

where the teachers made us
update their LinkedIn profiles

so they could look
for other teaching jobs?

- Nope, and did I mention
that some of the booths

will be giving out free merch?

- Wait, are we talking, like,

bumper stickers
or free clothes?

You know Aisha loves
a big-ass sleep shirt.

Okay, it doesn't matter.
I'm in.

- Good.

Now, everyone,
on the count of three,

"Career fair rocks."

One, two, three!

Career fair rohh...

I meant we all say it.

- We know what you meant.

[quirky music]

* *

- Hey, guys.

- Slater!
- Hey, what's up, man?

- Hey, how are you?
- Hey.

Good. Lisa.

- Hey.
- So good to see you.

The kids are freaking out
that you're here.

- Oh, it's true.

I've already sent tons
of girls to detention

for wearing your jeans
with the butt cut out.

- Aw.

- Hey, where should I put
this jar of meditation breaths?

- Oh, you didn't
open it, did you?

- No. Om.

- Well, Kelly,
it looks like Dr. Happy

is doing really great.

- Yeah, I guess after 2020,

people really need optimism
more than ever.

A couple of companies
offered to buy me out.

- You know, a lot of people
are trying to buy

my stuff right now as well.

I'm currently selling a pound
of my socks on Craigslist.

Between us, stuffed some
of the bag with yarn.

[chuckles]

Anyways,
where's your booth at, Preppy?

- Oh, no, no, I'm just here
to help out Kelly.

I mean,
what would I put on a booth?

Disgraced governor?

[chuckles]

- Right.

What would I put on mine?

Coach/gym teacher/part-time
bingo puller at the church?

- Do my eyes deceive me?

The old gang back
together again.

- Ron-Ron!

- Call me a hare

'cause I'm racing
to that Turtle.

[laughter]
- How you been?

- Oh, good, good--well, bad.

Career fair
has always got me on edge.

- So Kelly--

- You know, 'cause of what
your son did to me last year.

I won't bore you
with the details.

- Okay, so Lisa--

- Long story short,

I can no longer
produce my own saliva.

- Oh.
- Sorry about that.

One of the side effects
of his ADHD medication

is he's "The Omen."

- He didn't happen to mention

that he was planning
anything this year?

- You know, he did say that

he was working on something
pretty important, but--

- But what?

- Since we're both free men,

you want to ditch this dump
and go hang?

- Oh, Kelly, can I?
I finished my work.

- But what?
- Yeah, that's fine.

Just don't spoil your appetite
before dinner, okay?

We're having a pizza party.

* *

- But what?

- You get to travel,
and there's no feeling

like looking down
at the world from the sky.

- I know what you mean.

In "Grand Theft Auto,"

sometimes after
I steal a plane,

I just want
to take in the view.

- Flight simulator games

are what made me
want to be a pilot.

- Really?
- Okay, well, thank you.

I don't think this is for us.
We should keep moving.

- Daisy, that was
the first time I was interested

in what a white man
wearing a hat had to say.

- And you were kind of rude.

- I don't mean to be,
but there are a lot of booths

and not that much time,
and nobody ever found

their dream career
by being polite.

- Emily Post,
Mister Rogers, Ed Sheeran.

- We're already
behind schedule.

Aisha, vamanos.

- Hang on.

This chump's got good stuff.

Hello, sir, um...

I'll take one of your
tiny fans, please.

- Now, are you actually
interested in our company?

'Cause I just heard you say,
"This chump's got good stuff."

- Oh, I'm interested.

You know, ever since
I was five years old,

I've always dreamed
of being a...

"Peenix" Dynamics, yeah.

- Oh, hey, I'm actually
interested in consulting.

I was just reading
about RBL Solutions.

- RBL? Ugh.

More like "Really Big Liars,"

considering
their projections for Q4.

Here, take a fan.
I'll get you a pamphlet.

- The trick is to namedrop
their biggest competitor.

I just mentioned the Army
to the Navy recruiter,

and she told me
I could have my birthday

on a aircraft carrier.
- Wow.

Are you, like,
the Danny Ocean of merch?

Hey, would you ever
want to team up?

- Hmm, I said I was out,

but you're pulling me in
for one last job?

Sure, let's do it.
- All right.

* *

- Not this time, Mac Morris.

* *

- Stop!
- Oh!

Oh, oh, oh, oh!
I am so, so sorry.

I thought that was dynamite

and you were a boy
I'm afraid of.

Please carry on.

- You should really
put some ice on that.

- Oh, yeah.

I have a Hungry-Man
Salisbury meat wad

defrosting under my desk.

I'll just use that.

- Or you could...
- Okay.

- Okay.
Hop on.

- Thank you.
- Hi.

I'm Claire.

- Oh, hey, Claire.
Ron Toddman.

- You have a lovely eye, Ron.

I'm sure the other one
is nice too.

it's just--
it's under the ice pack.

- Well, that's kind of you
to say.

Hey, how did you know my name?

- Oh, you just told me.
- No, you're not real.

- What? I--

- You almost had me, Mac.

- Claire.
- Except for one thing.

Why would a gorgeous woman
ever be nice to me?

- I beg your pardon?
- What's he doing?

Is he hiding in the vents?

Is he feeding you lies
through an earpiece?

- I don't even--
- Hear this, Mac!

This is the last career fair
you'll ruin for me!

I'm coming for you!

Oh, yes. I'm coming for you.

* *

- [grunts]

Told ya. Abs of steel.

And that's just from crunches
and diarrhea tea, bro.

- Damn, why am I paying
Manny Pacquiao

1,200 bucks an hour
to come over

and chase me around my house
with a broom?

- [laughs]
This is fun, man.

- Yeah.

- You know,
you're gonna laugh at me,

but I was actually
kind of worried about today.

I thought I'd be the only loser
without a booth.

- Oh, dude, dude, I get it,
but if it makes you feel

any better,
my life sucks so bad right now.

- [chuckles]
My life sucks pretty bad too.

- Not more than mine, friend.
I got nothing going on.

I keep buying TVs

because mounting them
gives me a project to do.

Our kitchen looks like
a freaking sports bar.

- At least you have a kitchen.

I gotta boil my spaghetti
in the bathtub.

- [chuckles]
Hey, friendly wager.

50 bucks says that my life
sucks more than yours.

* *

- Okay, look,
I know we used to bet a lot,

back in the day, but come on.

This isn't
a competition, Preppy.

- Yeah, it won't be
because I always win.

* *

- Make it 100, and you're on.

* *

- Okay, that--that's a dollar.

* *

- Oh, my gosh, Lisa Turtle.
It's me, Lexi.

I was in the front row
of your show

at Paris Fashion Week.
- Oh, right.

I remember you.

You got kicked out
for being completely nude.

- You could see the outfit
if you were wearing VR goggles,

but I'm glad
I made a good impression.

Have a good day, queen.

- All right.
Lisa, think.

Who's a good guy we can
get Jessie set up with?

- Uh, how about Zack's
old lieutenant governor?

- Nah,
Ja Rule's too short for her.

- Guys,
I'm not going on a date.

It's too soon.

- It's always
gonna feel too soon.

You just gotta break the seal.
Ooh, what about Seal?

- No, Heidi's a friend.

- Well, maybe I don't
need a relationship.

My life is really full.

Jamie, my work.

I just planted
a little vegetable garden,

and by the end of summer,

I'll have three small tomatoes
that taste bad.

- So you're never
gonna date again?

- I don't know.

I just hate the idea
of starting over.

I thought my life would be
more figured out by now.

- Nobody's got it
figured out, honey.

- You do.
You're doing great.

- I am in a creative rut.
I mean, do you see this stuff?

- What?
It's fun and retro.

They look like clothes I
would have worn in high school.

[chuckles] Wait.

I did wear this in high school.
It says "Jessie."

- Yeah, I couldn't think
of a collection,

so I just dug through
my parents' garage.

- Oh, that explains why

that mannequin is wearing
a box of Christmas lights.

* *

- Guys, I don't
have it figured out either.

I've been going
behind Zack's back

to meet with a man...

both: What?

- Who's secretly tutoring me
for the MCATs.

- Why did you
tell it like that?

- I mean, my company

is doing great,
but I want to help people.

- But you do help people.
- No.

I sell snake oil
to rich idiots.

Literally.

Cobra chai.

It's tea with venom in it
to puff up your lips.

No, I want to help people
for real.

- Oh, wow.

I had no idea that was going on
for you or you, Lisa.

Thank you, ladies, for sharing.

I mean who needs a man when
you have such loyal female--

- Shut up, bitch.
A man's checking you out.

* *

- No, he isn't.
- Oh, my God, yes, he is.

- I'm telling you, guys.
He isn't.

- Compliments of
the fireman, miss.

* *

- Oh.

- Jessie,
just go flirt with him.

- How?

The last time I flirted
with a stranger

I told a guy at Sam Goody
that his trucker hat was crunk.

- Look, all you have to do

is walk over there
and be grown and sexy.

- I don't know how to do that.
- Okay.

When was the last time you felt
really desirable and confident?

I mean, for me,
it was this morning when I wore

a whipped cream bikini
for Zack for breakfast.

- I mean there was

that couple months
I spent in Las Vegas.

- When was that?

- After college,
but I'm not that girl anymore.

- Oh, you will be
once I get through with you.

- You think your life sucks?

I use spray-on hair fibers

to create the appearance
of thicker, fuller hair.

- Really?
Wow.

You can't even tell.
It looks completely natural.

Which is why you didn't know
that I use it, too, player.

- Ugh!
All right, all right.

Do you get up to pee
six times a night?

- Seven, and that's after
I fall asleep 20 minutes

into a movie
that I really wanted to see.

- But did the entire state
of California

vote to get rid of you?

- I wouldn't know if they did

'cause I'm not subscribed
to a single newspaper.

Too poor to afford it.

Too dumb to understand
the articles.

- All right, all right.
You ready for this one?

Are you ready
to lose 100 bucks?

- Oh, I'm already late
on all my bills.

Bring it on, baby.

- I took a job here
to get close to my son,

and since I'm such
an annoying loser,

he kicked me out after a week.

- Oh, you want to talk
about a pathetic loser?

This guy right here,

pathetic sack of dog crap
is still pining

after the same girl
he loved in high school.

- Kelly?
- Jessie.

She was a pain
in the ass back then.

She still is, and guess what.
I can't get enough of it.

And here's the kicker.
You ready for this?

I'm such a miserable coward,

I can't even tell her
how I feel.

- Goddamn, that sucks.
You win.

- Yes!
[laughs]

- [sighs]
Hey, double or nothing.

Bet you can't eat ten scoops
of this protein powder.

Triple or nothing.
I'll eat the whole tub.

* *

- Thanks to Aisha and Chloe
who wasted so much time

at the last booth,
we are now behind schedule

by 6 minutes and 14--
no, 15--no, 16--

- It wasn't a waste of time.
We got a bunch of free stuff.

- Yeah, and you don't know.
I may work at a paper mill.

- I actually was interested
in being a video game designer,

but you wouldn't let me stop.

- That's like a fantasy job
every kid wishes he had.

It's like wanting
to be a candy tester.

- That actually is a real job,
and I hate it.

- Ugh!
- You need a toothbrush.

- What's up with his teeth?

- Look, this career fair
isn't a joke,

especially for the three of us.

The Bayside kids are just gonna
get jobs at their dads' firms

or pursue meaningless passions
that don't make 'em any money.

- Guys, look!
I got a job.

I'm gonna be a doula
for expecting fathers.

- Ugh,
we don't have it like that,

so we need
to take it seriously.

- That's not fair, Daisy.

Bayside kids are
taking this seriously too.

Like, I have a lot of questions
about being an influencer

if this bitch ever shows up.

* *

Okay, it's me.

* *

- Oh, my God, Lisa.
We nailed it.

* *

- Now, remember.
You are sexy and confident.

- You are that girl
in Las Vegas.

Go to him.
- [exhales sharply]

[upbeat rock music]

- Okay.

* *

- Hey.

- Hi.

I was hoping you'd come over.

- Thanks for the drink,
darling.

Just so you know,
I'm not a prize to be won.

- Oh, yeah, yeah, cool.

I, um...

So where are you from?

- Different places.

- Oh, but like, LA or...

- Yeah. Keep going.

* *

- Oh, uh, hey.
You shouldn't lean on that.

- Oh, yeah?
I'm a dancer.

What you gonna do about it?

- [chuckles]

Well, I'm not the fire marshal

for this district,
so I can't do much,

but it is a safety hazard.

- Well, maybe I'm done
playing it safe.

- * She's got one foot
out the door *

* On the floor
before she even arrives *

- [grunts]
- [both gasp]

- Oh, my God, I'm sorry!
I'm so sorry.

- Ah! You broke my nose!

- Oh, my God.
What was that?

- You said to channel Vegas.

- What the hell
did you do in Vegas?

- She broke my nose!

- So people pay you just
to balance their checkbooks?

- Mm-hmm.

- I do that
for my grandma for free.

- Well, DeVante--

- How many women
do you have on your board?

- Uh, one.

- How many women
do you hope to have by 2025?

- Uh, two?

- I also have a question
relating to women.

Those sweatshirts back there,
do they come in women's sizes?

- Yes, piggybacking off
of my colleague,

could we also get
the sweatpants?

- Mmm, yes.

- That's it!

If you don't want
to take your future seriously,

then fine,
but you're not wasting

any more of our time.

- Okay, great, I didn't want
to be here anyway.

- Then leave.
- Gladly.

- You too, chuckles.

- Wow.

- Yeah. Unbelievable.

She has no idea
how much pressure I'm under.

Everyone's always like,
"You're smart, Daisy.

You're gonna do big things."

Well, I don't know
what those things are,

and today was a chance
to figure it out.

Why would Aisha
ruin that for me?

- I don't know.

You ruined it for me.
- What?

- You know all that supportive
and encouraging stuff

people say to you?

Yeah, I don't get any of that.

I get, "Stay out of trouble,"

or, "Your GED is an option."

So it was kind of nice,
just for the day, to hear,

"You could fly a plane,"
or analyze a...system.

Yeah, I don't know
what that guy was saying,

but he thought I could do it.

Look, I was really excited
about today,

but whatever.

[soft dramatic music]

* *

- You lost.

I just got
that nun's phone number.

Pony up.

[quirky music]

Hey, champ.
- Please, I'm so paranoid.

I've sprained my neck looking
for buckets over doorways.

I haven't peed
since this morning

because I'm afraid
of what your son

may have put in the toilet.

My brother called me.

First time in 15 years.
I thought it was Mac.

I called him a weasel,
which is the whole reason

my brother stopped talking
to me in the first place.

Where is your son?

- I don't know.

He just texted me,

"Everything's going
according to plan."

Purple devil emoji.

So I really
wouldn't worry about it.

- Purple devil.
- All right, preppy.

Septuple or nothing.
I gotta win my money back.

- Okay, okay.
You want one last bet?

Oh.

You have to tell Jessie
you're in love with her.

- Oh, hell no.
- Why?

You are. What?

Is big, bad Slater
a scared, little bitch

too afraid to say "I wuv you"

to widdle tall girl?

- All right, fine.
I'll do it.

* *

- Oh, my God.

I just roundhouse kicked
that guy in the face.

- Roundhouse is generous, baby.
- See?

This is why
I'm not ready to date.

- Excuse me, guys.
I need to talk to Jessie.

Confidential school business.

- Huh?
- Hmm?

- What's going on?
- Wait, what are you wearing?

- Oh, the girls peer pressured
me into flirting with some guy,

and I kicked him in the face.

I was trying to be sexy,
but I just looked insane.

- Come on, stop.

Hey, at least you
put yourself out there.

And maybe you came off
a little extreme,

but you followed the directions
you were given,

and those directions
were crazy.

- Are you talking about
what just happened

or what I did in Vegas?

- I don't know
what you did in Vegas.

- A lot.

I almost killed a girl
on a staircase.

- Oh, okay, well, then both.

Look, it's always scary
to try something new,

but hey, you already
took the first step,

so it can only
get easier, right?

- It's true, and if I'm
being honest with myself,

before I kicked him
in the face,

it felt nice
to have someone be into me.

And to wear "Ver-sace" again.

- There you go.
Not a total loss.

- Thanks, Slater.

But what about
the school business?

[soft dramatic music]

- It can wait.

* *

- Look, I love that they're
trying to be more inclusive,

but I'm really in my feelings
about this

AT&T wireless do-rag.

[both laugh]

- You know, for a thing that
I didn't want to go to at all,

it's been a really great day.

- Yeah, except for the part

where I got
into a giant fight with Daisy.

- I think she was being
kind of bossy.

Like, she made me pee
in a GoGirl

so I wouldn't slow us down.

- Yeah, but she's also
kind of right.

I should probably take
this stuff more seriously.

It just freaks me out.

- Hey, I don't know
what I want to be either,

but isn't that
kind of exciting?

Like, if you don't know
what's gonna happen,

then anything can happen.

* *

[chuckles]

* *

- Wow.
Did you just think of that?

- Yeah, no,
that's actually a slogan

I've been trying
to get going for a while.

- It felt right.
- Okay, cool.

- It worked.
Yeah.

[quirky music]

* *

- What the hell is this?
You're in the library?

- I believe it's called
a book-quarium, and--whoa.

Who pranked you?
- Nobody.

I was so sure you
were planning something today.

I thought I heard you
in the ceiling vent,

so I crawled up there.

It was only a racoon
who ate my tie.

And then I thought I saw
one of your drones coming,

so I hid in a dumpster,

and the lunch lady dumped
a bunch of breakfast

on my head after she saw me.

Meanwhile, the whole time,
you've been in the library,

and you're...
working on something?

- Well, since I was
named spirit czar,

I spent the day planning

how we're gonna win
the spirit competition.

Having a well-thought-out plan
is pretty important.

- Mac...

you're trying.

I'm really proud of you.
- Thanks.

My friends don't think I'm
capable of anything serious,

but it goes to show

you can never judge
a reading square

by its shell, right?

- Huh, well, if you
weren't pranking me,

that means that Claire
was just--oh, my God.

[quirky music]

* *

- Hey.

- Here, Preppy.
Take your money.

- I knew you'd wimp out.

Wait, is "wimp"
one of those words

we aren't allowed
to say anymore?

I knew you'd pussy out.

- No, I didn't tell Jessie
how I feel

'cause she doesn't need
to hear that right now.

- Oh.
- She just got divorced.

She needs space,
not some dude creeping on her.

- Oh.

- It's called being
a good friend.

- Don't lecture me.

I'm a way better friend
than you.

50 bucks says that I
can maintain a pen pal much--

- No, no, no, no.
No more bets, man.

I don't need
your approval anymore.

I've got a therapist now.
I need hers.

- Wait, you're in therapy?
Oh, dude, that sucks.

Why didn't you mention that
earlier?

- 'Cause it doesn't
make my life suck.

As a matter of fact,
it might be making it better.

- Huh.
I'm proud of you, man.

- Thanks.
I'm pretty proud of me too.

- I'm more proud of you.

* *

- I think you misunderstood.

Oh, Claire, I'm really
just a nice, normal man.

Uh, I love you?

- Well, well, well.

Look who suddenly
wants to design video games.

- It's not for me.

I felt so bad
I spent the rest of career fair

getting pamphlets
for jobs you might like.

- Thanks. Wait.

"Tonight Show" host?
Was Jimmy Fallon here?

- No. It was just Leno.

both: Oh.

- I'm sorry.

I was so focused on my thing,
I wasn't thinking about you.

And Aisha--

- Girl, don't trip.
You were right.

I have to focus on my future
at some point.

High school
doesn't last forever.

- I know, right?

[laughter]

- Ron?
Ron, come here.

- What's up, Ron?

- Hey.
- Hi.

- Hey, listen.

Jamie's gonna spend the night
at our house tonight.

- Which means we're all
going to party at Jessie's.

- Yeah.
- Yeah.

Want to come get slizzard?
- Yeah.

- We're gonna drink
all the wine

that Rene is trying
to get back in the divorce.

- Yep, and I'm gonna make some

of my world-famous
bathtub spaghetti.

I mean, just spaghetti.

- Well, sure.
It sounds like fun.

I mean I have to go home
and change.

- No, no.
Don't change a single thing.

The tattered clothing,
the breakfast, the eye.

[gasps]

Ron-Ron,
you've just inspired me.

This is my entire
new collection.

- Hey.
- Hey!

- Cool.
All right, okay.

- Whoo!
- Let's do this.

[laughter]
- Yeah, okay.

* *

[upbeat music]

* *

- * Every single line *

* On your fishing pole *

* *

* Every single part *

* Playing down but you know *

* *

* F-stop, Photoshop *

* Baby, help me understand *

* *

* You know,
you flashback lover *

* Or maybe just a flash
in the pan *

* *

* Photogenic girl *

* She'll rock your world *

* *