All language subtitles for s b t b s02e03 1080p web h264-ggez (1)_track3_[eng]

- * El e' el fulanito *

* Que me tiene loca a mí *

* Bailando apretaíto' *

* Hoy no vamo' a dormir *

* El e' el fulanito *

* Que me tiene loca a mí *

* Bailando apretaíto' *

* Hasta que no' boten
de aquí *

* Muévelo, que te aprieta,
neta *

[cars honking]
- Stop dancing

and let me drop off
my goddamn daughter!

- Come on. Move it.

- Hey, I know women
aren't the best drivers,

but once you've parked the car,
you can stop steering it.

- [sighs] I just
don't wanna go in there.

Everyone knows
I'm getting a divorce.

And Kathy the librarian
is gonna be so smug,

'cause she's married
to her cats,

and they can't divorce her.

They can still get run over
by a car, Kathy!

- Sounds like you need a break.
- I really do.

- It's too bad adults
don't get Cut Days.

- I never got one
in high school either.

Remember? While you guys
were all at the beach,

I stayed at school fighting
to get Styrofoam cups banned.

- Then maybe
the universe owes you one.

What do you say?

Might help
take your mind off things.

- Slater, we can't
just blow off work.

- "You need
to refill your tank,

or else you'll never get
where you're going."

You know who said that?

I'm honestly asking. I'm hoping
it was someone smart,

but I'm afraid it was Mater
from "Cars 3."

- Are you sure
they won't miss us?

- Trust me, they won't
even notice we're gone.

[crash]
- Ow, my Bentley!

- Ooh. Come on.
We gotta get out of here.

[school bell rings]

- * When I wake up
in the mornin' *

* Alarm gives out a warnin' *

* I don't think
I'll ever make it on time *

[school bell ringing]

* By the time I
grab my books *

* And I give myself a look *

* I'm at the corner
just in time *

* It's all right,
it's all right *

* Saved by the bell,
it's all right *

* It's all right,
saved by the bell *

* It's all right *

* 'Cause I'm saved
by the bell *

[school bell ringing]

- So I spoke to Gil yesterday.

- Wait, what?
Why didn't you lead with that?

You told me a 30-minute story

about why recycling bins
are blue.

How'd it go?
- Amazing.

He wanted to hang out
Friday night, and I was like,

"Or what if we hang out
during school hours

so my mom can't find out
I'm on a date?"

Aren't I so bad?
- The baddest.

Hey, while we're
living life on the edge,

why don't you let me copy your
chemistry homework at lunch?

- Fine.

But like I told you yesterday,
this is the last time.

- Yeah, for sure.

- Oh, wait.

I told Lexi I was gonna
have lunch with her today.

- So?

- Well, you know,
you two don't really hang out.

- Lexi and I are whatever.

We just have an unspoken rule
we don't talk about

the unspoken thing
we don't talk about.

- Mm, like the
One-Who-Shall-Not-be-Named

from "Harry Potter."

- Voldemort?

- J.K. Rowling.
- Oh.

[school bell rings]

- [sighs]

- Hey, J-Dog.

Hang in there, okay?
You're gonna get through this.

But if you don't,
can I have your PS5

and all your games
and controllers?

- Sorry about
your parents, man.

- Thanks.
It's been tough.

But I started journaling,
and I think it's helping.

- Jesus.

- Whoa, new teacher.

Or, I don't know, are you?

I don't usually come to class.

- Principal Davis?

- It's actually Mr. Davis now.

Principal Toddman
offered me a position here

at Bayside teaching...

"Modern Southern California
History."

I don't know why
this is a class.

But for financial reasons,
I'm not asking any questions.

Your first assignment will be
a group presentation.

- Guys, I have
to do well on this.

Now that my dad's home, he's
actually looking at my grades.

And he said that if
I don't get a perfect 2.0 GPA,

he's gonna ground me...

from international travel
for a full week.

- Okay.

You guys get "The Emergence
of Malibu Surf Culture."

You're doing
"Traffic Patterns of the 405."

You three will be covering
"From J.Lo to Kardashian:

Shifting Butt Shapes
of the 21st Century"?

What is this school?

You boys can just
do earthquakes or whatever.

- Cool. So we just need
to bang out this report

and then practice
our parts together.

Can you guys handle that?

- Oh, you had me at,
"Can you guys handle that?"

I'm kidding.
You had me at "bang out."

What about you, J-Dog?

- What? Sorry,
I'm not listening.

I'm watching my dad move out
on the Ring cam.

- No. Is he taking the PS5?

[exhales sharply]
Okay.

Just a box of your
mom's jewelry. Phew!

[upbeat music]

- I mean, I'm such a fraud.
I literally wrote books

about how to have
the perfect marriage.

What am I supposed
to write now?

"Eat, Pray, Love"
has been done.

Should I do
a "Cry, Sleep, Work"?

Ugh, I'm sorry.

- It's fine.

- No, this is supposed
to be a fun Cut Day,

and I just keep complaining.

- There's a lot
to complain about.

I mean, five bucks for a bagel?
What is this, The Ritz?

- You picked the place.

- Ma'am, your orange juice.

Sir, your quote "free water."
- Thank you.

- Excuse me,
are these Styrofoam?

- Yeah. Is there a problem?
- Big problem, Bub.

Do you know how long it takes
for Styrofoam to biodegrade?

- I don't know,
a thousand years?

- No, 500.

And it's rude of you
to guess so high.

Styrofoam manufacturing leaches
chemicals into the ozone layer.

- Oh.

- It's one of the largest
creators of toxic waste

in America

outside of
"The Bachelor" franchise.

- Oh, my God,
I'm gonna go tell the owner

if he doesn't switch
to a sustainable alternative,

I quit.

Dad, get your ass over here!
- What?

- Wait, what are you
smiling about?

You knew this place had
Styrofoam cups, didn't you?

That was your plan all along.

Hey, I know
I give you a hard time

about not believing in therapy,

but maybe you're on
to something.

What you just did

made me feel better than ten
therapy sessions would have.

- Oh, my God.
Did you just say I'm right?

- Don't get used to it.

You're still the guy
who thinks he could survive

an elevator crash by
"jumping at the last second."

- Put me in that box.
I'll prove it.

[chuckles]

- Hey, I've been worried
about you.

How are you feeling?

- Pretty sad.

- Listen, I've been through
a ton of divorces.

This season, the cast of "Real
Housewives of Beverly Hills"

is just my stepmoms.

And trust me,

the first divorce
is always the hardest.

By the fifth one, you won't
have any feelings at all.

- Fifth one?

- Or, you know,
your parents don't remarry

and they get to be alone
for the rest of their lives?

- Lexi, I don't know
if any of this is helping.

- I'm sorry.

I'm just saying this
doesn't have to be all bad.

Remember, 50% of marriages
end in divorce,

but 100% of divorces
end in presents.

- Look, I appreciate
you trying, but I gotta go.

I'll catch you later.

- So I thought
of an amazing way

for us to earn volunteer hours

for the School Spirit
Competition,

a Bayside Teen Hotline,

which also just happens
to be the perfect setting

for a during-school date
with Gil.

- I feel like you don't know
what a date is.

- Ugh! Boy am I having a day.

First, my hairdresser
goes missing,

then the police
have the audacity

not to consider me
a person-of-interest.

And to top it all off, Jamie...

- What? You can say
whatever it is.

- Oh, it's nothing.

I was just gonna
talk about Jamie Foxx.

Do you think he still keeps in
touch with the Horrible Bosses?

- Lexi, seriously. You can talk
about Jamie in front of me.

I don't care.

- All right, fine.

So for some reason

Jamie doesn't want my advice
about his family stuff

even though I'm in

the "Guinness Book
of World Records"

for Most Divorces
Caused by a Single Child.

- You know, sometimes people
aren't looking for advice.

- Yeah. Okay, well, then what
am I supposed to say to him?

- You could try listening.

- What is that
supposed to mean?

[record scratch]
- Oh, boy.

- Oh, come on.

I'm not saying anything
you don't know.

Your podcast is called
"Shut Up While I Talk."

- Oh, 'cause you're such
an amazing listener?

I'm sorry, but I don't need
relationship advice

from someone who uses
Gatorade-brand deodorant.

- Well, I must've been
doing something right.

Your boyfriend proposed to me.

- Back up, bitch.
- Well, okay,

why don't we focus on something
a little more fun,

like what am I gonna wear
for my Teenline date.

I'm thinking this,
'cause it's the only thing

I brought to school today.

- Teenline, huh?

Sounds like the perfect place

to prove how incredible I am
at listening.

- Actually, we don't need
any more volunteers.

- I'm in.
- Well, I'm in even more.

I'm gonna wipe the floor
with those kids' problems.

- Great.
So glad to have you aboard.

- Good news.
I just got off the phone

with a content farm
in Bulgaria.

They can do the report for us,
but there is a catch.

One of us has to marry
a woman named Yorgina

to get her U.S. citizenship.

Should we draw straws?

- Or we could just
write the report.

Here, I already got started.

- Okay, well, you're
gonna have to figure out

what to do with the cow
Yorgina's family sent.

- Right.

Okay, let's practice.
I'll go first.

"The San Andreas Fault
is a major fracture

"of the Earth's crust
that is responsible

for some of California's
most destructive earthquakes."

Mac?

- [clearing throat]

"It was first identified
in 1895

"by Professor Andrew Lawson,

who later consulted
on the Golden Gate Bridge"?

Huh, I had no idea.

- "The formation
of the fault happened

"during the Cenozoic Era,

"when the Pacific Plate
and the North American Plate--

when they separated."

[sobbing]

- Aww. I'm sorry, buddy.

Look, I guess I shoulda
used a different word.

Do you wanna try
reading another section?

- Uh-huh. Yeah. Good thinking.
Okay. I'm good. All right.

- Mm-hmm.
- Mm-hmm.

- "Based on
its current trajectory,

"the landmass that includes LA
will reach Alaska

within 20 million years."

20 million years was how long

my parents were supposed
to be together.

- Oh, God. Okay.

How about Mac and I
just do all the talking

and you just stand there

and hold the poster board
or something?

- No, I'm tired of this.

I can't keep crying
all the time.

- Just do what I do.

Whenever I start
to "feel something,"

I just let my mind drift away
to a fantasy island,

a magical place where
the piña coladas are virgin,

but the mermaids are not.

- Or instead of completely
dissociating from reality

like a lunatic,

maybe you should just
toughen up a little bit.

- But how?
Can you teach me

how to stop feeling
my feelings so hard?

- Oh, nah. See, I already did
my third of the project,

so this might be--

- It would be our honor.
- Mm-hmm.

- "Your Honor."

Like the judge who will preside
over my parents' divorce.

Oh, God, no!

- Okay.
Good afternoon, everyone.

Welcome to Teenline.

I wanna say first that
I'm so proud of you all

for giving back
to the community,

and more importantly,
for helping us to crush

stupid Valley in
the School Spirit Competition.

Although if a Valley student
does call in,

I would ask you please
to treat it like a human being.

- Forgive me
for being so forward,

but you look
very pre-professional.

- Why, thank you.

And I really like the lumbar
support pillow you brought.

- Hey, the more comfortable
I am,

the more comfortable
I can make them.

- We first did Teenline
back in the '90s,

and fortunately my old mentor,
Richard Belding,

left me the training manual.

So let's dive in.

"Cowabunga, dudes and dudettes.

"Local teens will be calling in
with their problems,

"but don't tell them
to 'talk to the hand.'

"With these four steps,
you can let them know

"they're all that
and a bag of chips.

"Step one, identify the issue.

Step two,
listen without judgment."

- Listen without judgment?

Are you sure
you're in the right place?

- I would never judge anyone

for their
mental health problems,

you psychotic bitch.

- "And finally, step four,

"keep yourself hydrated
and alert

with the refreshing taste
of Crystal Pepsi"?

All right, why don't we do
a little bit of training

before we begin?

Can I have two volunteers,
please?

- I'll do it if you do.

- I'll take this one, Ron.

- Not if I take it first.

- [grunts]

- Our society tells young men
that if they cry

they will be labeled
as weak or soft

or little baby diaper boys.

And that is precisely
why America is the coolest,

most hard-core society
on this Earth.

- Because you were coddled

by your soft-ass
Palisades parents,

you missed out on a very
important rite of passage

for all young men...
- Mm-hmm.

- Learning
to bury your feelings.

- As well as learning
to bury other things.

Like pumpkin seeds.

- Here's the deal.

We're gonna show you
a bunch of sad stuff,

and if you start to cry,
we're gonna bully you.

- Don't take it easy on me.
It's the only way I'll learn.

- An old dog
who will never be adopted.

- That's horrible.

- Stop being
a little bitch, man!

A child who is very lonely.

- Suck it up, loser!
- [clears throat]

- A young dog who was adopted,

but the owner was unprepared
for how much work a puppy is.

- [sobbing]

- We said we were gonna
ditch that one, man.

- My bad.

- Okay.

Now, we're gonna show you
the first ten minutes of "Up"

and the last ten minutes
of "Coco" at the same time.

- Okay, Pixar.

All the letters look happy next
to each other. That's nice.

Oh, why did the lamp
just do that to the I?

- I'm sorry to do this,
but it's for your own good.

- Oh! The hell is going on?

- Why are you here?
We had a sub in gym.

- I don't know.
I've been here all day.

Hey, unrelated, do you know
if they're still serving lunch?

- Wait, did you ditch school,
and now you're sneaking back in

to see if you can get
free Sloppy Joes?

- [scoffs]
No, of course not.

Look, I'm gonna go
to the cafeteria

to file some paperwork,

and then we're gonna have
a conversation about this.

- Ring-ring.
Hello, Teenline.

I'm here to listen,
because I'm amazing at that.

What's your problem?

- "Hey Teenline, I'm having
some trouble with my stepmom.

"She's always doing Jazzercise
in the living room

"when I'm trying to watch
'Northern Exposure.'

What should I do?"

- Well, it sounds like
you're just jealous of her.

Maybe you wanna be with the guy
your stepmom is with.

- You mean my dad? What?
- Okay.

Hey, that was pretty good.

Could tone down the hostility
a little bit.

Why don't we take five
and just cool our jets, okay?

- Hey, are your friends okay?

- They're being
really unprofessional.

I'll go talk to them.

- Have you considered
plastic surgery on your face?!

- Can you not do this
right now?

You're ruining
my date with Gil.

- No problem.
I can be the bigger person.

- I can be the biggest person
you've ever seen.

- Cut it out!
- Yeah, Aisha.

Listen to Daisy.
- No, you listen to Daisy.

- Both of you, just shut up!

Your constant bickering
is a total boner-killer!

- Daisy.
- Hmm?

- That is an ableist term

that is offensive
to phallo-diverse men.

- Sorry.

- Hey, guys.
Sorry I took so long.

All right. So what seems
to be the trouble here?

You know, people say I'm
more helpful than a therapist.

Tell Dr. Coach Slater
what's on your mind.

- So I've been
having a hard time,

but the guys have been teaching
me to bury my feelings

and let it fester inside me
like a real man, so...

- Okay, look,

you can't go through life
running from your feelings.

Believe me, I know.

- No, you don't.
You're tough.

The only time
I've ever seen you upset

was when you saw a woman
drinking Dr. Pepper Ten.

- It's not for them!

Listen, I've had my share
of hard times.

- Like what?

- Well, I don't know.

Back in high school,
my pet chameleon--

- Coach, this isn't
like a dead pet.

My family is splitting up!

- Fine.

There was this one time.

There was this girl
I really cared about

and kind of always thought
that we'd end up together.

Well, she...
she married someone else.

And it hurt...a lot.

I tried to ignore my feelings,

did a bunch of extreme
fitness challenges,

the Iron Man,
the Spartan Death Race,

this weird marathon

where you run 100 miles
with mud in your mouth.

- Sure, the Mud Mouth Derby.

- But you see, the thing is,

running from your problems
never works.

Sometimes the toughest thing
you can do is say to yourself,

"I'm having a big feeling
for a good reason,

and that's okay."

- Damn, Coach.

See, now I'm sorry
I signed that petition.

They should let you
teach more than gym.

- Petition?

- Yeah. It's okay
that I'm sad.

My parents are breaking up.

I'm just gonna
have to accept it,

'cause that's what's happening,

and it's never,
ever gonna change.

- Exactly.

I mean,

unless it does change.

Like, 20 years later,
the thing you thought you lost

could suddenly become
a possibility again.

And it freaks you out,
because

maybe it was
that lack of possibility

that made everything okay.

And even though
you thought you were over it,

you're really not.

- Coach, I gotta say, I found
the earlier stuff more helpful.

[phone rings]

- I'm sorry your acne
is hurting your confidence.

- Oh, it's tough that your
parents always compare you

to your older sister.

both: You know, when I'm down,
one thing I like to do

is center myself with a nice
hot cup of chamomile tea.

- Hmm, something,
something runaway cat.

Yeah, that reminds me
of episode 307

of "Becoming Lexi: I am Me"
when I lost that horse.

But I learned
an important lesson that day,

and it's whatever I said
in the voiceover at the end.

So watch that,
and you should be all set.

- No, what you gotta do

is go up to the boy
who made fun of your shoes

and stick one of them
right up his a...

oh, they're Crocs?

Hmm. Have you considered
getting new shoes?

[dial tone droning]
Hello?

Hello? Hello?

Okay.

[phone rings]

Hello, Teenline.

- Greetings.
My name is Ruth Perfumey.

You don't know me.

I'm in all different classes
than you.

- Sure, it's a big school.
- Verily.

Anyhow, I was dating
this handsome jock,

but then he started
dating someone

much hotter and famous-er.

The only problem is, I'm
still madly in love with him.

Do you relate to this at all?

- Lexi, drop the act.
I know it's you.

- Whatever do you mean?
I'm Ruth Perfumey.

- Oh, I'm sorry, I thought
you were someone else.

- I get that a lot
'cause of my weird last name.

- Well, to answer
your question,

I kinda was
in a similar situation,

except I wasn't
hung up on the guy.

To be honest,
I'm just really upset

with the new girl he's dating--
- You sexist!

Why would you be mad at me?

- Uh, how? You were over--
- There?

Or did you just fall for
the newest trick in the book?

- I was really impressed
with how you handled that kid

with the hiccups
that wouldn't go away.

- Oh, it was nothing
compared to how you dealt

with that girl
with the webbed feet.

- I can't believe
she never considered swimming.

- Right.
You're so easy to talk to.

- You're impossible to talk to!

- Tell that
to the thousands of fans

my PR firm DMs with every day.

- Are we sure this is
the best environment

for helping teens in need?
- One moment, please.

- I am a beloved public figure.

- Yeah, by adults over 40.

No one else has cable.
- Enough!

Do you have any idea how
selfish you're being right now?

- Oh, come on.
You're only here

because you're trying to get
into Gil's corduroys.

- They are Dockers
stain-resistant chinos.

And, so what if I am?

Today was important to me,
and what do you do?

You go and turn it into
some stupid competition.

- Well, if it was
a competition, I won,

because I actually
helped people.

Lexi was too busy
trying to catfish me.

- First of all, I succeeded
in catfishing you.

Second of all,
I am the helpingest bitch

up in this bitch.
[phone rings]

- What?
- Watch this.

Hello, Teenline.

Would it solve your problems

if I let you hang out
on my boat, no plus-ones?

- Hello, Teenline.

Don't listen to her
because she's just using you

to prove a point, unlike me.

What's wrong?
And make it quick.

- Stop it, stop it, stop it!

[all gasp]
- Daisy.

Hey, hey, hey.
What is going on here?

- Principal Toddman,
I am so sorry.

- I don't know
what's gotten into you today,

offensive outbursts,
destruction of school property,

not to mention you've created
more work for the janitor,

who is not me after hours.

Daisy, I have no choice
but to give you detention.

- [gasps]

[phone rings]
- Hello, Teenline.

This is Ruth Perfumey.

I mean, this is Lexi.

- Hey, it's me.

- Sigourney?
- No, Aisha.

Look, I'm calling you to let
you know I'm still mad at you,

but I feel bad about
getting Daisy in trouble.

- Me too. But how are we
supposed to help her

without me killing you and
you only slightly injuring me?

- Well, I can't believe
I'm about to say this,

considering this is Teenline,

maybe we should
consult the manual.

- Fine. It's worth a try.

Step one, identify the issue.

- I guess my issue is,

you and I were cool last year,

and it even seemed like
we were becoming friends.

But then you started
dating Jamie,

like, two days
after we broke up,

and you never even checked on
me to see how I felt about it.

Like, I am truly over Jamie.

And if things aren't weird
between him and me,

I don't understand why they
need to be weird between us.

- You're right.

I'm sorry.

Do you think you can...

step two,
listen without judgment?

- I can.

- I'm still kind of insecure

about the relationship
you guys had.

Jamie won't talk to me
about his parents' divorce,

because I am bad at listening.

I've never once listened

to the flight attendant
before takeoff.

All I know is, you're supposed
to smoke your own cigarette

before you give one to a child.

- Well, you did a good job
of listening to me just now.

And you're totally capable
of doing that with Jamie.

- Thanks.
- Okay.

Step three says
to focus on moving forward.

Are you thinking
what I'm thinking?

- Yeah, step four,
where the hell

are we gonna find
a Crystal Pepsi?

- [snoring]

- Gil? What are you doing here?

- I got detention for
setting Lexi's hair on fire.

- You what?
- No, she did it to herself.

- You told that really badly.
- It was scary.

After she did it,
Lexi stared me down

and put the match out
on her tongue.

- Look, I'm sorry
that happened,

but I'm glad you're here.

It's my first detention,

and I could use someone
to show me the ropes.

- Okay, this may
come as a shock

because I'm such a bad boy,

but this is
my first detention too.

- Stop talking.
This is detention.

[laughter]
And stop being cute.

That's also not allowed
in detention.

[applause]

- Thank you, girls,
for that riveting presentation

on "Hollywood Billboard
Iconography:

From Angelyne to Chaz Dean."

Devante, Mac, and Jamie?

- You got this.
- Okay.

- Thanks, Mr. Davis.

[clears throat]

"The San Andreas Fault
is a major fracture

"of the Earth's crust
that is responsible

for some of California's
most destructive earthquakes."

- "It was first identified
in 1895

"by Professor Andrew Lawson,

who later consulted
on the Golden Gate Bridge."

[tense music]

- "The formation
of the fault happened

"during the Cenozoic Era,

"when the Pacific Plate
and the North American Plate...

* *

* *

"When they separated."

[gentle music]

* *

[breezy tropical music]

"Based on
its current trajectory,

the landmass that includes
LA will reach Alaska..."

- He's reading all your lines.

- [sobbing]
Just let that eagle soar.

- "And while
geologists estimate

"that within the next 100 years
the fault will rupture

"and destroy most
of Southern California,

"that doesn't mean that
we shouldn't live life

to the fullest."
Thank you.

[applause]

[triumphant music]

* *

- Why are people giving
this report a standing ovation?

- Proud of you, kid!

- And why is
the gym teacher here?

What the hell is wrong
with this school?

[funky music]

* *

- Oh. Hey, Slater.
Yesterday was so much fun.

And you know what?
I know this sounds crazy,

but it kind of
awakened something in me.

- Yeah?

Me--me too.

- I printed out this list
of other LA restaurants

that still use Styrofoam.

And I'm gonna drive to each one
and curse them out.

What did it awaken in you?

- Oh, basically the same thing.
Just being near the beach,

it helped me remember
how much I hate seagulls.

So I'm gonna do my part
to try to lower their numbers.

Yeah.

Anyway, later friend-o.

- "Friend-o"?

- Hey.
- Hey.

- How are you feeling?

- Oh. A little better, I guess.

How was your day?

- Not bad. I think I might
have learned something?

It was weird.

- That's not that weird.
It's school.

[laughter]

Was there more?

You don't wanna, like,
tell me a crazy story

or complain about how
it's a conflict of interest

for Hollywood agencies
to own production companies?

- No, you talk.

I just wanna listen.

- Okay.

Come on.

[breezy upbeat music]

* *

- And the thing I realized is,

I'm still in love with Jessie.

- Who's Jessie?

And who are you?

You just came in here
and started talking, baby.

You need to make
an appointment.