All language subtitles for Two.and.a.Half.Men.322.DVDRiP-SAiNTS.EN

-Hey.
-Hey.

So, what's going on in school?

Nothing.

Nothing? You just sit there all day
and stare at the wall?

That's where the clock is.

l got it.

Well, l find it hard to believe
that you just watch the clock all day.

Have you seen my report card?

Jake, it's for you.

-l'm busy.
-lt's a girl.

l don't care.

Her name is Wendy Cho.

Hold on, l'm coming.
Don't hang up.

Hey. How's it going?

Okay, that's something
we haven't seen before.

Yeah, he only moves that fast
when he's got the squirts.

Wendy Cho is the smartest girl.
l wonder why she's calling Jake.

Maybe she lost a bet.

Charlie, that's not nice.

Well, kids are cruel.

Jake is smitten with her.

l hope he's not setting himself up
for disappointment.

Hey, you know what they say.

A man's reach must exceed his grasp,
or what's a penis for?

Who says that?

Okay, l might be paraphrasing.

Okay, call you back. Bye.

-Hey, Dad?
-Yeah, Jake?

Wendy Cho is having
a party tomorrow night, can l go?

Tomorrow?
A little last minute, isn't it?

Well, she wasn't gonna invite me.

Danny Palmer told Amy Sherlack
l didn't like her.

But l told Peter Calahan
to tell Ellen Meisner that l kind of did.

l see.

You do?

He lost me at Amy Sherlack.

-Are her parents gonna be there?
-l guess.

Let the fathers
who have girls worry about that.

Shut up.

All right, l'm gonna wanna meet
her parents.

l don't see any reason
why you can't go.

Cool. Oh, yeah, l'm gonna need
a new shirt, new pants and new shoes.

What's wrong with the clothes
you've got?

Are you kidding?
Everybody's already seen them.

Yeah, but not
with all the latest food stains.

l hear gravy's the new black.

Fine, we'll go shopping tomorrow.

How about a new haircut?

What's wrong with my hair?

Let's just say
everybody's already seen it.

Okay, a new haircut.

So this is your first party
with girls, huh?

Maybe.

Maybe? You're not sure?

You got some cross-dressers
in sixth grade?

Playing a little pin the tail
on the tranny?

Shut up.

Why does everyone
keep telling me to shut up?

Because you're an insensitive dolt.

That's no reason.

This is a very delicate time
in a boy's life.

l remember how nervous l was
about my first boy-girl party.

Oh, right.
That was in college, wasn't it?

Shut up.

What's important now
is that we support Jake.

Agreed.

l'll kick in the wine coolers
and condoms.

What are you gonna do?

You're joking, right?

Okay, let's say l'm joking.

l appreciate your interest,
but this is a father-son moment.

l've been looking forward to it. . .

. . .since l saw the shadow of his little
dingus in the first sonogram.

That's very touching.

And more than a bit creepy.

But still, l can't risk letting
you scar the kid forever.

-What do you mean by that?
-Face it, Alan.

What can you bring to the table. . .

. . .other than a lifetime
of abject failure with women?

lt's not a lifetime yet.

l, on the other hand,
have a wealth of experience to offer.

He's 1 2. He doesn't need to know
how to choreograph a three-way.

l'm not talking about that.

l'm saving that for prom night.

Oh, good.

Let me give you an example.

Jake's at the party.
All the boys are on one side. . .

. . .all the girls are on the other.
What's he do?

You see? You see? Right there.

That ''um'' is the battle cry
of the chronic masturbator.

Define chronic.

The solution to the problem,
my hairy-palmed friend. . .

. . .is to walk up to the prettiest girl
and ask her to dance.

Why the prettiest?

She's the one
all the other guys are afraid of.

She'll be dying for some attention.

What if Wendy Cho
isn't the prettiest girl?

lt doesn't matter.

When she sees our boy dancing with
a hot chick, she'll be all over him.

Of course, it's so obvious.

Bet you're wishing you could
do over sixth grade now, huh?

-l could've danced with Heidi Winkler.
-Yeah, you could've.

-Or Pam Talega.
-Yep.

Or Mary Beth Hicks.

Shoshana Wasserstein.

l don't think so.

Hey, can l get leather pants?

-No.
-No.

Why not?

Because you need something
that lets the farts out.

So. . .

. . .Wendy Cho, huh?

Real subtle, Alan.

Charlie, it's a father-son thing.

Yeah, so was pre-war lraq.

You wanna tell me about her?

Not really.

ls she in your class?

Where else would l meet her?
At a bar?

-My turn?
-No.

l'm just curious
about what kind of person she is.

What it is about her that you find,
l don't know, alluring.

What?

Your dad wants to know
if you think she's hot.

lt's personal.

She's hot.

Are you nervous about this party?

l don't know. Maybe a little.

-Okay, here's what you do.
-Charlie.

Hey, hey, you had your shot.
''Alluring. ''

-ls there gonna be dancing?
-l think so.

Terrific. Do you know how to dance?

Not exactly.

Don't worry, it's easy to fake.

The thing to remember is. . .

. . .the more you move your arms,
the stupider you look.

Oh, that is so not true.

-Just keep it simple and you'll be fine.
-Okay.

Besides, the critical time
is between dances.

What do you mean?

That's when you talk.
More precisely, you get her to talk.

-About what?
-Doesn't matter.

-You won't be listening anyway.
-Oh, Charlie.

Just drive the car.

Yeah, Dad, this is important.

Keep in mind,
you're not looking to score.

-You're getting into the batter's box.
-Wendy doesn't like sports.

You're missing the point.

She plays violin.

Listen to me.

Your goal for the party tonight. . .

. . .is to convince Wendy
you're a mature, sophisticated guy. . .

. . .who sees her not just as a woman
but as a complete human.

Got it?

-l think so.
-Good.

l'm not going.

Hey, hey, not only are you
gonna go. . .

. . .it'll be a night you'll remember
for the rest of your life.

That's what l'm afraid of.

Oh, oh, this is nice.

Yeah, sure, if he's doing
the other kids' taxes.

lt's a timeless style.

No, it just seems timeless
when you're not getting laid.

Put it back.

This is cool.

Yeah. Just one question.

ls your Wendy Cho
a voodoo priestess?

No, l think she's Chinese.

Put it back.

There's something to be said for
letting him make his own choices.

Oh, that's a bunch of crap.
He's an idiot.

lf we let him, he'd go to that party
in a Viking helmet and a cape.

Here we go.

Don't even think about it.

What? lt says, ''l've got a little money,
but l'm not a corporate drone. ''

No, it says, ''l'm pushing 40
and l can't deal with it. ''

All right, maybe the kid needs
his own look.

Jake, come here.

-What?
-Just stand there.

Let's try and visualize
what your personal style might be.

Okay.

Maybe we should start
with the haircut.

Oh, my, has Mommy been trimming
your hair with her teeth?

Not to worry, Ricky loves a challenge.

l'm guessing Ricky also
loves pretending he's a taffy apple.

Wanna take him to your guy
with the shaky hands. . .

. . .and a signed picture
of Desi Arnaz?

Desi Arnaz had beautiful hair.

So, Charles, do we have a game plan
or shall l just follow my muse?

-Can l get a Mohawk?
-No.

We should go
for something young and hip.

-Like your hairstyle?
-Sure, why not?

You'd have to kill me.

Just tighten it up a little.
Nothing extreme.

-Can you make it purple?
-No.

Oh, man.

Relax. Ricky knows what he's doing.
He's been cutting my hair for years.

What if l don't wanna look like you?

-What's wrong with the way l look?
-Nothing.

lf you're a statue in front
of a Big Boy restaurant.

-Are you freaking kidding me?
-Charlie.

-The kid should be so lucky.
-We'll wait over here.

l'm buying the little wise-ass a $ 75
haircut and he's taking shots at me?

You said it,
he has to find his own look.

Yeah, let him find it
on somebody else's MasterCard.

-Look at his point of view.
-What's his point of view?

Well, put overalls on you and you do
kind of look like the Big Boy.

Stand like this for me.

Shut up.

By the way,
did you have the talk with him?

Oh, sure.
l mean, well, we've had a talk.

Covered the basics.
He knows where babies come from.

-How they got there.
-That's all?

He's going to this party clueless. . .

. . .about how much fun he can have
between ''Hi'' . . .

. . .and ''What do you mean,
you missed your period?''

lt's a kids' party.
Pizza, soft drinks, a little dancing.

Oh, really? You know
what l was doing at his age?

-l don't wanna hear it.
-You sure?

lt involves Shoshana Wasserstein.

You danced
with Shoshana Wasserstein?

Actually, that's one thing
we didn't do.

Nevertheless, l'm Jake's father.

l believe childhood
should be a time of innocence.

l agree. Childhood should be
a time of innocence.

And Bambi's mother shouldn't die.

Lap dances should be complimentary
after the fifth cocktail.

But that's not the world we live in.

This party tonight
is the initial round. . .

. . .in a lifelong process
of sexual elimination.

-Oh, really?
-Think of it as musical chairs.

But when the music stops,
the guys who have a clue. . .

. . .are sitting on a woman
instead of a chair.

The guys who have no clue,
they'll spend their teenage years--

Well, l certainly don't need
to tell Dungeon Master Alan.

Come on, Jake,
we're gonna be late for the party.

l'm ready.

-lt's very nice.
-Yeah, l think we're good.

Turn around.

You're supposed to take
the price tag off.

But you said it was good
to be seen in expensive clothes.

You still want him
to learn from his mistakes?

Fine. Can we go now?

Hang on.

Let's see the dance moves.

Don't stare at your shoes,
eyes on the girl at all times.

Pretend you care.

Good. Good. Good. Now. . .

. . .how do you stand when you know
Wendy's looking at you?

That's it. A little head bob.

Show me the sleepy eyes.

l said sleepy, not brain-dead.

All right.

-Who's the man? Who's the man?
-l'm the man. l'm the man.

Okay, let's go get them.

-Alan.
-l'm coming.

21 38. . .

. . .21 36. . . .

Try the house with the balloons
tied to the mailbox.

Oh, right.

Okay, let's go.

Where are you going?

l wanna meet her parents, say hello,
find out when to pick you up.

Alan, you take one step out this car. . .

. . .l will beat your brains out
with a tire iron.

Thank you, Uncle Charlie.

Have fun.

Call my cell when you want me
to pick you--

Up.

There he goes.

My son is attending
his first boy-girl party.

Who's that opening the door?

Oh, oh, that's Wendy Cho.

Oh, good, she's cute.
The kid's got taste.

But she's like a foot taller than him.

That's all right.

When they slow dance,
his head will be perfectly positioned.

Oh, get your mind out of the gutter.

Right, like you never copped
a feel with your ear?

No.

Okay, once with Aunt Sophie.

But that was an accident.

You know what l'm talking about.

Oh, yeah.

Here you go.

Thank you.

Oh, looks good.

She's pretty, huh?

Yeah, l guess.

What's the matter with you?

What if l sent him out there
too soon?

What if he's not ready?

Don't beat yourself,
you did everything you could.

There just wasn't enough time,
damn it.

lt's out of our hands.
We let nature take its course.

Sounds good, unfortunately nature
keeps telling him to scratch his ass.

-lt's Jake.
-God, l knew it. Give me that.

No, no, no, l got it.

Hey, what's up, buddy?

He wants to come home.

Why? He just got there.

Why? You just got there.

He says it's personal.

Give me that.

Jake, Jake, l'm gonna
talk you through this.

Just pipe down and listen.

Finish your cookie later.

Where's Wendy Cho right now?

How many girls is she talking to?

Okay, okay,
you gotta split her from the herd.

Walk over and say
you have something to ask her.

Then take her hand
and lead her away from her friends.

Okay, then put the cookie down first.

Now, when you have some privacy,
l want you to look her in the eye. . .

. . .and say you were lying.
You just wanted to be alone with her.

lt will too work.

All right, call me back.

God, l just wish l could be there
with him.

-Me too.
-Thanks.

Ready for a refill?

Sure.

Are you okay?

Yeah, l'm fine.
l'm just worried about my nephew.

He's at his first boy-girl party.

Oh, that's adorable.

He's my son.

-How old is he?
-Twelve.

Kid's the apple of my eye.

You're so sweet.

Excuse me, officially,
it's my apple and my eye.

Okay.

Connie.

-Charlie.
-Would you like some pie, Charlie?

lt's on the house.

Your house or mine?

You're awful. Mine.

Un-freaking-believable.

Look, Connie, l'm kind of tied up
tonight with my nephew.

Why not write your number
on the bill?

Already did.

What?

-He's my son.
-But l know how to use him.

Oh, it's Jake.

Talk to me.

No, you're the man.

You're the man.

Great. Keep me posted.

Who's the man?

Right.

What? What?

lt's going well.

He's gonna be one of the last
to leave. That's a good sign.

Yeah.

You tend to lose track of time
when you're in a closet with a girl.

l just wish l could've
covered kissing with him.

Please, God, don't let him pucker.

-What's wrong?
-Oh, it's nothing.

Don't worry, Wendy will know
what to do.

She's probably been practicing
with her girlfriends.

Man, chicks are so lucky.

lt's not the kissing.
lt's this whole thing.

l'm sorry if l interfered
with the father-son deal, but--

No, no, no,
you've done a great job.

Jake's really lucky to have you.

So, what's the problem?

l guess l'm a little jealous.

-Of what?
-Charlie. . .

. . .do you have any idea
what it would've meant. . .

. . .to have you take me under your wing
the way you have with Jake?

Oh, here we go.

Dad was gone, there was no one
to teach me.

You know how l found out
about French kissing?

Mom sliced a plum in half
and stuck her tongue in it.

You could have taken
that secret to the grave.

And that's not all she showed me.

To this day, l can't eat plums,
dried apricots or bananas.

All right, all right, l'm sorry.

Look, l was young, l was selfish,
l should have been there for you.

You know, it's not too late.

That's a real nice idea, buddy.

But l'm afraid it is.

-Hey.
-Hey.

Well, how'd it go?

Okay.

-Just okay?
-Alan, leave it alone.

All right.

-So, Jake, congratulations.
-For what?

You got lipstick all over your mouth.

Oh, man.

Relax, l was bluffing.

But congratulations.

Thanks.

Well, it was touch-and-go there
for a while.

But l think Jake's off
to a good start with the ladies.

Yeah, listen, Charlie.

Don't take this the wrong way. . .

. . .but l really don't want Jake
to grow up like you.

Alan, how could l possibly
take that the wrong way?

No, l mean,
l don't want him to be a player.

l want him to value women and
cherish his relationships with them.

Hey, l value women,
l cherish my relationships with them.

But l take your point.

Hey, Dad, how old
do you have to be to get married?

l guess 1 8. Why?

Just wondering how long
Wendy and l have to wait.

One kiss
and he's ready to marry the girl.

So?

So you don't have to worry.
He's definitely your son.

Subtitles by
SDl Media Group

[ENGLlSH]