All language subtitles for The A-Team (1983) - S01E13 - The Beast from the Belly of a Boeing (1080p x265 EDGE2020).eng

Get out of here!

-You are to clear us for
immediate takeoff, or we start

shooting the passengers.

-What about that group you
knew from Vietnam?

What did you call them?

The A-Team.

-When I talk that jet in,
I want you to stall the

refueling till we get aboard.

-I ain't flying with
that crazy fool.

-[barks]

---plane!

-Take it easy.

-We on a plane!

-What's going on here?

[cocks gun]

[tapping]

-(WHISPERS) It's Murdock.

(SHOUTS) BA, don't shoot!

[gunshot]

-We going to crash!

We going to crash!

-Face, get him off me!

-Ungh!

-Send him into the ocean.

-You can't do that.

-Are you ready?

-Here we go!

NARRATOR: 10 years ago, a crack
commando unit was sent

to prison by a military
court for a

crime they didn't commit.

These men promptly escaped
from a maximum security

stockade to the Los Angeles
underground.

Today, still wanted by the
government, they survive as

soldiers of fortune.

If you have a problem, if no one
else can help, and if you

can find them, maybe you
can hire the A-Team.

[gunshots]

[theme music]

-Hey!

Keep them open!

What do we got here?

Idiots!

-It's a go.

ANNOUNCER (OFFSCREEN): Final
call for Beller Flight 267 now

boarding in Gate 6.

-We a go?

-Yeah, yeah.

Everything's working out.

You, ah, you got
the parachutes?

-Yeah, yeah.

You seen Jackson?

-You won't see him till
you get on board.

[chuckles]

Relax, now, will you bro?

-Let's go.

-Oh, that's on your right.

That's on your left, sir.

That's to your right.

That's to your left, sir.

Welcome aboard, Private.

On leave?

-Ah, yeah, it's my first one.

-Well, I hope you enjoy
your flight.

-I will.

(SHOUTING) All right,
everybody!

Stay calm, or this lady's
going to get it!

[screaming passengers]

[thud]

-Go on!

Get out of here, now!

-Get those passengers
in here, right now!

Come on!

-Move, move!

In, in, in, in.

Move!

-Come on, bring her in!

Come on, bring her!

This is a freedom fighter
from the United People's

Resistance.

We have just commandeered the
Beller Flight 267 and demand

permission for immediate
takeoff on runway 24.

This is Beller Flight 267,
priority clearance requested.

AIR OPERATIONS (OFFSCREEN):
Permission for takeoff denied.

Standby.

-Beller 267 has been
commandeered by the United

People's Resistance.

You are to clear us for
immediate takeoff, or we start

shooting the passengers.

[music playing]

[beeping]

-As soon as you contact
Mr. Beller, put

the call right through.

As soon as they gave us
their demands, they

cut off radio contact.

-Have we been able to reach
Mr. Beller yet?

-No, he's still fishing off the
coast of Greece somewhere.

-Then we're out of options.

We must call in the FBI.

-Listen, you heard
what they said.

You call in the Feds, and
they'll start killing the

passengers.

-Calm down.

-You read the computer printout

I got on that Jackson.

The FBI thinks he pulled
that Brinks job

in Jersey last year.

The guy's a real nut job.

-Now, he wants $5 million
in cash--

---plus, guaranteed
passage to Libya.

-I say we give it to him.

The replacement cost on the
jet alone is $50 million;

plus, all the bad publicity
we'll get out this.

-We can't, not without
Beller's OK.

Meanwhile, we can't just
sit on our hands.

What about those guys
you told me about?

What did you call them?

The A-Team.

-As soon as I heard,
I put out the word.

I've got some contacts
in some Vietnam

veteran activist groups.

But, uh, so far it's
a dead end.

I think they're probably
just a rumor.

-You got, ah, order from,
ah, Sam's Deli.

You got a bacon and cheese--

-That's mine.

---and a tomato?

Or you don't know?

Hoop!

Right, there you go.

And a tomato and, ah, turkey.

That's yours, son.

And we got a--

-Black coffee, here.

-Right, got it.

Coffee, black, to you sir.

Yes, sir.

There, you go.

One black coffee right there.

And there's coffee
with, ah, cream.

Here's your cream, sir.

Thank you--

-Whoops, oh!

-Sorry about that.

Oh, I'm sorry about that.

-What's the matter with you?

For crying out loud!

-All right.

And we got some soda here.

You owe me $16.18.

And I don't mind having
a tip, either.

Bye, all.

See you later.

-Just a minute, Mister!

-Lime and soda here.

It's great for stain.

-Stay away from me.

I don't want your help!

-I thought you wanted
to hire the A-Team.

-Oh, this is crazy.

-No.

It isn't.

-Yes, it is.

[quacks]

It's crazy.

[quacks]

It's very crazy.

[quacks]

I'm crazy.

You want to see how
crazy I am, Doc?

(MIMICS HUMPHREY BOGART)
Don't be silly, pal.

You're taking a fall.

When a man's partner is killed,
he's supposed to do

something about it.

And it's bad business to let
a killer get away with it.

Bad all around.

Bad for detectives everywhere.

[quacks]

You see, I'm bananas, Doc.

-Oh, Murdock.

You've been institutionalized
for 10 years.

It's only natural you don't
want to be released.

It's scary.

But I can assure you that I
would not release you from

this hospital unless I was
absolutely certain that you

are just as sane as I am.

-[barks]

Aw, get down, Billy.

Back, back!

Doc, I'd get out of
here if I was you.

I don't know how long
I can hold him off.

[barks]

-Don't worry.

We'll take good care
of your dog, Billy.

-I don't get it!

(LITTLE BOY'S VOICE) No, Mom.

I don't want to eat my squash.

[choking]

Oh, this is horrible.

This is just horrible.

I see a giant fish eating
the White House.

-That's a cute bit, Murdock.

But, listen, why don't you try
reality for a while, huh?

-You're making a grave
mistake, General.

Those tanks are up to their
turrets in mud.

We got to surrender, sir!

-Now, I want you to come in for
group any time you have

any difficulty getting
over the rough spots.

-Rough spots?

I'm talking about a major
breakdown here!

[thump]

-Doc!

-Oh, Murdock, Murdock.

-Oh!

Wh--

-You'll be fine, son.

-Don't give away my room, Doc.

-And I think we're giving
this one away, Hannibal.

1% of the ransom comes
to 50 grand.

Our expenses have been running
higher than that.

-Beller can't afford
it anymore.

The fuel crisis whacked
him hard.

-Ah, so now we're in the
charity business.

-Face, don't you remember in
'69 when we had six days of

R&R coming?

-Yeah, we tried to get
that flight out

of Da Nang to Hawaii.

-Right.

All the flights were booked.

Beller Air bumped two tourists
and we got a flight out.

We owe him this one.

Now, BA, how long is it going to
take you to get through the

top of the baggage
compartment?

-With the proper tools,
about 20 minutes.

-It's got to be quicker.

Now, get those clowns
off the ground.

All we're going to be thinking
about is a fast refuel and

exchange of passengers.

-That's if they go
for the exchange.

-Oh, they will.

We're going to give them the
president, Edward Beller III

and the executive vice president
of Beller Air as

hostages.

-I thought nobody could get
in touch with Beller.

-Right.

[horn honking]

-Must be our pilot.

-I ain't flying, Hannibal.

-BA, you're going to be ground
crew on this one.

Your little red tennies will
never leave the asphalt.

Answer the door.

-Where is Murdock?

I had the field trip to the
newspaper office all set up.

I hope you didn't
blow it, Amy.

-Murdock wasn't even
at the hospital.

In fact, when I got there, they
were moving his things

out of his room.

The front desk said the
administration had made a

change--

-What kind of change can they
make with a dude like that,

aside from giving
him a new brain?

-Hannibal, that puts
us in kind of deep.

How are we going to rescue
a jet without a pilot?

-Don't make no difference.

I ain't flying with that
crazy fool, anyway.

[horn honking]

-You guys, tell anybody
about this place?

-It's all right.

Open them up.

-What am I, the doorman?

-[buzzing]

[screeching]

Darn thing only gets 10
miles to the gallon.

[chuckles]

-Murdock, we've got
a situation here.

-[sniffs]

-What's the matter, Captain?

-Colonel, I'm afraid I have
some terrible, terrible,

terrible news.

-What happened?

You dog, Billy, get
hit by a car?

-Worse.

(MIMICS JAMES CAGNEY) I
have been kicked out.

Cain has been kicked
out of the harbor.

So pull up the gangplanks,
Mr. Roberts.

And tell all the officers to
meet me in the war room.

-You've been found sane.

-You got it.

My career is over.

-No, it isn't.

We need you, Captain,
right now.

-You mean we're going
up there?

-BA, you take Murdock to the
airport and brief him on the

way.

-Hey, man, why do I got to be
the one always being stuck

with this crazy fool?

-Now, you go in as
ground crew.

And when I talk that jet in,
I want you to stall the

refueling till we get aboard.

Murdock will help you pull
the floor paneling.

-Told you before, Hannibal,
I ain't going up.

-Just get Murdock on board.

Face, did you con
us that limo?

-Chauffeur and all.

-All right.

You know the plan.

Let's go, guys.

-I think this is
going to work.

-It always works, right?

-Get.

[music playing]

-Help us, please, help us!

-Now, you try that again,
lady, and you're dead.

AIR OPERATIONS (OFFSCREEN):
Beller 267, do you read?

Over.

[music cue]

ROURKE (OFFSCREEN): It's
Rourke, Thomas.

[knocking]

Open up.

-So how they doing?

-They're pretty freaked out.

But no one's panicking, yet.

-Well, when this sucker hits
the ocean, they'll panic.

-Beller Airways Flight
267 to Operations.

Come in, Operations.

-This is Operations, Beller Air
267, switch to security

channel 9 Delta.

-I want to talk to the
man right now.

I'm losing patience.

-Where are those guys?

-Smith gave me his word.

The A-Team will be here.

-Mr. Beller is out raising the
rest of the $5 million.

He'll be with you as
soon as he can.

-Then he better get it.

Otherwise, we're going to turn
this plane into a boat.

[music playing]

AMY (OFFSCREEN): What am I
supposed to do while you guys

are up in the air?

-Now, you're our liaison
on the ground.

If Lynch gets a spotlight on us,
we're going to have to get

out of there quick.

So don't leave Beller
Operations room.

-OK.

-I don't know, Colonel.

This reminds me of the time
you fixed me up with that

blind date who later turned out
to be the general's wife.

-Now, now, Face.

I'm Edward Beller III, the
president of Beller Airlines.

You're my executive
vice president.

We give them the $5 million and
ourselves as hostages when

they turn over the passengers.

Then, we overpower them.

And, ah, Murdock
flies us home.

-Ah, we just "overpower" them?

-Right.

-We assume an offensive
posture.

Military history has taught us
that conflict is merely the

seizing of space from
one's aggressor.

They've got the space
up there.

We've got the offensive
posture down here.

-So the two of us assume an
offensive posture against six

guys with guns in an airplane at
35,000 feet over the ocean.

-Well, it's the application of
the theory that's interesting.

-I don't know.

Do you think you look
enough like Beller?

-Of course I look enough
like Beller.

What's the name of the guard?

-Scotty.

-Watch Scotty.

-Good afternoon.

I got the big guy in the back.

-What do you say, Scotty?

How are the wife and kids?

-Oh, just fine, Mr. Beller.

Good to see you, sir.

-I don't know, Larry.

This guy doesn't look a
lot like Beller to me.

-Save the rains, friend.

You got the money?

Ms. Allen is part
of the A-Team.

She'll be our liaison
with the ground.

If the Feds are tipped, we're
going to need some warning.

There are a couple of guys in
the military who would like to

see us again, preferably
behind bars.

-It's not that we don't
trust you--

---but we don't trust anybody.

You talk to the hijackers?

-You said not to.

-Good.

-Get them on the radio.

-This is Operations to Beller
Air Flight 267.

JACKSON (OFFSCREEN):
Beller Air 267.

-This is Edward Beller.

-Oh, finally.

You get the money, pal?

HANNIBAL (OFFSCREEN):
I have it.

-Good.

Now, put this on the final
approach and put the money in

a fuel truck at the
end of the runway.

We'll pick up a full
load of fuel.

And we'll release the hostages
when we get to Libya.

-No deal.

-Now, come on, now, pal.

Don't pull out on us now.

We're prepared to dump this
thing in the ocean.

-I'll let you have the
money, but we want

an exchange of hostages.

Their safety is our
first concern.

You release the passengers,
and myself and the vice

president of Beller Air will
come aboard with the $5

million ransom.

-Now, what if I say no?

-You're running out
of fuel, pal.

That's it.

I don't say another word.

-Well, what if he
doesn't buy it?

-He wants the money.

JACKSON (OFFSCREEN): This is
Beller 267, clear us for

immediate approach,
runway 7, right.

267 requesting permission
to land.

[music playing]

-Murdock, you drive.

It's going to be tough dropping
the pelican out of

the monocoque.

Got struts everywhere.

And that opening going
to be hard for

you to squeeze through.

-(MIMICS MARLON BRANDO) Hey,
I'll just shrink down and

squeeze through the cracks.

-I thought you said you
wasn't crazy any more.

-Only on paper.

-Look, man.

I want you to take a long time
filling up the wing tanks

because I'm going to need
some time in there.

I don't want to wind up in
the sky in an airplane.

[music playing]

JACKSON (OFFSCREEN):
Beller 267 taxi to

entry runway 7, right.

-Boy, oh, boy.

If there was ever a time--

-Now, don't get any
ideas, Face.

-Well, I do say every
man has his price.

-And you think $5 million might
just be yours, huh?

-No.

But it's real close.

-Not for me.

[music playing]

[music playing]

[music playing]

JACKSON (OFFSCREEN):
Here they are.

All right, the two of you!

Come on up here, real slow!

Keep your hands clear!

[music playing]

[music playing]

-All right, that's him.

Come on.

Is it there?

OK, get them in there.

And get the passengers out.

Come on.

-I guess I should--

-Get them out of here.

Come on, move on.

-Move it, let's go.

[music playing]

-Get up here, fool.

-Beller Air Flight 267,
clear us for takeoff.

AIR OPERATIONS (OFFSCREEN):
You'll be cleared immediately,

267.

-We're going to need a little
more time if we're going to

put a full load of
fuel on board.

-We got plenty of fuel for
where we're going.

Clear us immediately on 24.

Repeat, priority
clearing on 24.

-Do you think the patient is
going to make it, Doctor?

-How are you ever going to make
it on the outside world

if you keep making a fool
out of yourself?

-I'm thinking about a
career in medicine.

-Only thing you should be doing
with medicine is using

it for your head.

Now, how much time do we have?

-About half a tank.

-What's that?

-Um, sounds like noise.

[airplane engine roars]

-Let me out of here's--

-Don't!

You want to kill yourself?

-If I got to fly, I do!

[music playing]

-[snaps fingers]

Hello?

Hello in there.

Now, BA, involuntary
paralyzation is one of the

primary symptoms of
panic anxiety.

So just try to breathe deep.

OK.

Forget "deep" and just
try to breathe.

(FOREIGN ACCENT) Trust me, I
am an expert in my field!

(SINGING) Pardon me, Roy, is
that the catatonic choo-choo?

(SHOUTS) Come on, man!

Hannibal's got this whole
thing locked down!

-Why don't I sit here?

-That ain't him, Jack.

It's just a make-up job.

-It seems you've lost some
weight, Mr. Beller.

-He's been sick.

-Yeah, the virus.

Haven't been able to
eat for weeks--

runny nose, infected ears,
mustache falls off.

-Who are you?

-We're a couple of, uh,
freelance lone ranger types.

Beller hired us to
handle you guys.

-Lone ranger types?

-Yeah.

-All right.

Go back to the luggage
compartment and get the

parachutes.

We're bailing out just as
soon as we're out of

range of the radar.

Unless you have wings,
you're dead.

And you and Tonto can crack
your lousy jokes as you go

into the ocean.

-Get them up, Scout.

-Good, BA, if you can
hear me, blink.

Raise your eyebrow.

Smirk, smile, wince.

(SHOUTS) Come on, BA.

If you stay like this, they're
going to stand you in front of

a bank holding a clock!

Umph!

[music playing]

[music playing]

-Darn airline's always losing
your luggage, ain't it?

-Ugh!

-Think BA and Murdock
pulled it off?

-I don't think so.

Not enough time.

Look, we may be running out
of road on this one.

-Are you nuts?

Cut the John Wayne stuff, you.

We're in real trouble here.

Get creative.

-My hands are tied.

Cuffed.

-[sighs]

-OK, pal.

Try to keep my friend
company, here.

He doesn't talk much, but he's
got a heck of a smile.

-Now, Tommy, give me the heading
and coordinates for

the jump zone.

I'm going to put it
in on automatic.

-Go for a 153 heading.

Latitude's 23 degrees,
2 minutes north.

And longitude is 109 degrees,
59 minutes west.

It's going to put us right on
the tip of the Baja Peninsula.

-Good.

Because we're bailing out
in about 10 minutes.

And our friends back there are
going to go for a swim.

[music playing]

[music playing]

-We're over the jump zone.

Where's Rourke?

-He's back getting
the parachutes.

-He's taking his time, too.

Why don't you give him a hand?

-Hey, you squeak, and you're
going to leak.

Now, real quiet, pal.

Move.

-Mm-mm.

[grunts]

-Hey, you got your
porch lights on.

Come on, come on
out of it, guy!

-Slap me again and I'll
break your arm.

-Welcome back, BA.

-Where are we, man?

-You don't remember?

-Of course, I don't
remember, fool.

I wouldn't be asking you.

-Well, we're about 36,000 feet,
traveling about 540

miles an hour.

And I think we're going south
somewhere over Mexico.

-We on a plane?

-Take it easy!

Hannibal and Face
are in trouble.

They're being held hostage in
the first class compartment by

those skyjackers.

-I don't remember
any skyjackers.

I don't remember none of this.

-(FRENCH ACCENT) Traumatic
shock.

Memory loss is a primary
symptom.

-We on a plane?

-Don't, no--

-We on a plane!

-Don't panic.

-A plane!

-Take it easy.

-No plane!

-Relax, relax, relax.

-A plane!

-Relax--

-Plane!

-Don't, don't--

but stay angry, you
ugly mutt, sucker.

We got to help our unit.

[barks]

-Aagh.

-Now, we got come up
with something.

There's at least three
more of them.

And there's only two of us.

-And one of us is crazy.

-Oh, BA, I'm going to need the
love and support of all the

friends I can get.

And I want you to be my role
model, somebody I can look up

to when the purple wobblies
start to wobble.

-Say what?

-Ah, forget it.

You got to come up with
some kind of plan.

-If you ain't crazy no more, why
don't you come up with a

plan?

-Well, why don't you
make up your mind?

First, I'm crazy,
then I'm not.

Then I'm crazy, then I'm not.

She loves me, she
loves me not.

-Shut up, Murdock!

Shut up.

Now, listen.

I want you to crawl up under
the floor and try to get a

message to Hannibal.

-OK.

-TK!

Baker!

Baker?

What's going on here?

[cocks gun]

-I'll check the bathroom
and the galley.

Get those chutes up front.

[light tapping]

-(WHISPERS) Listen.

Hear that?

-(WHISPERS) What?

-(WHISPERS) Hear that tapping?

I think it's Morse code.

-(WHISPERS) Nah, it sounds like
something broken in the

hydraulic unit.

-(WHISPERS) No, it's
Morse code.

It's Murdock.

"Go to lavatory."

-(WHISPERS) I can't.

I went before I left.

-(WHISPERS) Now, who's
making jokes?

We got to get you
to the bathroom.

Sing!

-(SINGING TOGETHER) You
are my sunshine--

[tapping]

---(SINGING TOGETHER)
my only sunshine.

You make me happy when
skies are gray.

-What did Hannibal say?

-[gasping]

Didit, di, dit, ditdit, dit.

Dada, do, do.

-Did you see anything?

-Nothing.

I don't like this.

When we started out,
we were six.

Now, we're down to four.

People just don't disappear,
you know.

-Yeah, well, just
grab those other

chutes, get them up front.

We got to bail out this bird
while it still has fuel.

-What about TK and Baker?

-You want to stay around,
look for them?

Fine.

I'm getting off this sucker
while it's still in the air.

-(SINGING TOGETHER) You make me
happy when skies are gray.

-What's going on
here, dirtball?

-I wouldn't wave that
around, friend.

You know, pressurized airplanes
don't fly well when

they got holes in them.

-You put somebody else on
board this plane when we

stopped and got fuel?

Come on, I ain't asking
you twice!

-I wanted to bring my pet
cat, but I didn't

have a kitty carrier.

[thump]

-Ah, now, how can we get
anybody onboard?

I mean, you guys were only on
the ground two minutes.

-Yeah.

And I didn't have time to
go to the bathroom.

Would you mind?

You know, flying makes
my stomach nervous.

I--

huh, please?

-Take him to the john, Price.

-I never go to the bathroom.

-Uh, I, uh, I really can't
go with these on.

You do--

aw, come on, what am
I going to do?

Flush myself down the toilet?

Yeah.

I appreciate this.

-Hey, hurry it up.

Come on, let's go!

-Shh.

We don't want to wake
the passengers.

-Tom!

Thomas!

Ugh.

-Move and you're dead.

-I told you about
that gun, pal.

You blow a hole in this bird,
it will depressurize.

And we'll all go down.

-We got trouble out here.

Price just called for help.

-Grab the cash.

Let's get ready to bail out.

[music playing]

[music playing]

[music playing]

-Ungh.

[thud]

-Ugh.

-Ugh!

[gunshot]

-Oh, my eyes!

My eyes!

-Ungh!

Umph.

[thumping]

-Murdock, you OK?

-My eyes.

-Agh!

-My eyes.

It's a powder burn.

The gun discharged.

I can't see.

I can't see, man.

-You'll be all right, man.

I'll get you out of here.

-Ugh.

[gunshots]

-Drop your gun!

-BA, don't shoot!

[gunshot]

[glass breaking]

[howling wind]

-Uh, uh.

-Mmph.

-Uh.

-Come on and get it.

Grab it!

-Aaargh!

[alarm beeping]

LARRY (OFFSCREEN): There's no
response from Flight 267.

-How much fuel do
they have left?

-30 minutes at most.

They've been holding this
pattern for the last hour.

I don't understand it.

Maybe the A-Team couldn't
pull it off.

-They'll pull it off.

---with a tailwind, maybe.

Considering the pattern that
jet's circling in, it's like

nobody's flying it.

[alarm beeping]

-We're going to die, man.

We're going to die.

-Did any of you guys ever see
that old Doug McClure movie,

"Terror in the Sky"?

-Shut up, Murdock.

I ain't got time for your
crazy rap up here.

-No.

Listen, McClure is
in this plane.

And the pilots get ptomaine
poisoning from the food.

So he has to take
the controls.

And the tower talks him in.

-So?

-You guys ever fly anything?

-Kites.

But that was when I was a kid.

-I took an introductory flight
once, where they let me hold

the stick of a single-engine
for a couple of minutes.

-Oh, Hannibal, you'll be my
eyes, and I'll bring this

sucker home.

-You're on.

-This is my worst nightmare.

-Cheer up, BA.

Your insurance is up to date.

Come on, Captain.

-Let me show you how
to fly this birdy.

[music playing]

-Are you ready, Captain?

-I'm always ready.

-What can I say?

The man's on the jazz.

-OK, um, there's a little gauge
to your right, and it

might be flashing.

Now, what does it say?

-"Fasten seat belts."

-[chuckles]

Not that one.

The one next to it.

-Altitude indicator.

-Uh, yeah.

Give me the reading on it.

-In pitch or yaw?

-How about English?

-Murdock, do you really know
how to fly this thing?

-Let me tell you, Colonel, when
they turn these babies

over, they all look alike.

-Listen, Murdock, I'm only
going to say this once.

Don't be messing
around up here.

You tell Hannibal how
to get this thing

down because I'm scared.

And when I'm scared,
I tend to get mean.

And you don't ever want
to see me mean.

-Secure that, Sergeant.

What's next?

-OK.

We're going to fly this thing.

Ah, now, get on the radio
and contact the tower.

Face, how much fuel
we got left?

Uh, the gauge should be
there on your right.

And it should say "fuel."

-Ah, 6,000 pounds?

-That's about 13 minutes.

-Beller Operations, this
is Beller Flight 267.

Do you read?

-This is Operations.

267, go ahead.

HANNIBAL (OFFSCREEN): This
is Hannibal Smith.

We've secured your aircraft.

-Great.

HANNIBAL (OFFSCREEN): We've
got one problem.

Jackson, the other pilot
on board, was

blown from the airplane.

You should find him somewhere
over Tijuana.

-What about your own pilot
you brought on board?

-Blinded in a firefight.

We're depressurized.

We're running out of fuel.

-Have you had any flight
experience, Smith?

-Paper airplanes.

Does that count?

-OK, Smith.

Just take her easy.

And we'll get right
back to you.

There is no way someone who has
not flown a heavy jet can

land at LAX.

One incident, one mess-up, and
he'll wipe out half the city.

-All right, Larry, what's normal
standard operating

procedure in this situation?

-We give him a, uh, false
heading and send

him into the ocean.

-You can't do that!

-Look, lady, Smith doesn't have
enough fuel for us to

talk him down by autopilot.

He'll have to land that
thing by stick.

And there is 1 chance
in 500 he can do

that without incident.

Now, we just can't risk it.

I'm sorry!

But we're going to have to
send him into the ocean.

-Do it.

-OK, Smith.

Uh, we're going to take
you off autopilot.

You're going to have to fly
this thing yourself.

HANNIBAL (OFFSCREEN):
No kidding.

Is your, uh, pilot well
enough to help you?

-I'm here.

LARRY (OFFSCREEN):
OK, Captain.

He'll be your eyes.

Begin final approach
procedure.

-OK.

Grab hold of this baby.

-Got her.

-Autopilot's off.

[alarms blaring]

-What's happening?

-Fly this thing, man.

We're going up, and we're
supposed to be going down.

-Uh, the trim tab's under your
thumbs-- up and down.

And the wing level
is on your hands.

-OK.

-Now, on your artificial
horizon, below that is a white

line that cuts across the
center of the grid.

-Right.

-Now, you want to put that small
plane on the first line

below the center line.

-Mm-hmm.

-Slowly, push the
yoke forward.

-What's next?

-Well, I think that maybe a
short burn and a couple of

warm goodbyes would be nice.

-I'm going to send him
into the ocean,

just west of Catalina.

OK, Captain--

-OK, listen straight,
real quick.

You tell Hannibal how to bring
the jet back to this airport,

or I'll blow you away.

Hannibal, this is Amy.

I want you to double-check
everything these guys tell you

with Murdock.

-What's going on, kid?

AMY (OFFSCREEN): They're
trying to make you

crash in the ocean.

FACE (OFFSCREEN): What are
we going to do now?

-Now, you just help them
land this thing.

-OK, Smith, we're going
to bring you in VFR.

-VFR?

-Oh, that's pilot talk.

It just means you're flying
this baby on your own.

Now, we're going
to bank right.

So turn the yoke right,
real slow.

This is Captain HM Murdock.

You want to give me the, uh,
headings on our final approach

and we'll get this
slid in for you.

-Murdock, turn right.

Heading O, six, niner.

-OK.

You want to keep that
little plane below

the artificial horizon.

And you just keep turning her
until you see zero, six, niner

on the compass.

Not so fast, Colonel,
not so fast.

You just, uh, do it real slow,
like you was dancing with a

big, fat girl.

You got it?

-I think so.

-All right.

What's our speed?

-Uh, 225.

-Altitude?

-3,500.

-Well, can you find the flaps?

-Yeah.

-OK, give me one notch.

-One notch.

-You see the one little
green light?

-No.

Now, I do.

-Landing gear is down.

You should see the airport
out there on the coast.

-All right, give me
one more notch.

-One more notch.

[scratching]

-We don't see any
land, fellas.

How much fuel we got, Face?

-Oh, uh, uh, 3,500 pounds?

-Aw, that's six minutes.

-You'll make visual contact
any time now, Smith.

Keep the yoke moving forward.

Get the nose down, you're
going to have

to lose some altitude.

-We lose any more altitude,
we're going to be

water-skiing.

-What is our altitude
and airspeed?

-Um, 2,200 feet,
uh, 190 knots.

-All right, try to hold that.

-I've got visual contact.

-All right, full flaps.

Don't go below 140 on the
airspeed, though.

-Full flaps.

I got, uh, 150.

-Bring your nose up a little.

All right, clear that
runway and get some

emergency units out there.

We've only got enough fuel
to do this once.

And, uh, we're coming in.

-Get our emergency units
out to runway 7, right.

-Face, if we crash--

-We're going to crash!

We're going to crash!

-Face, get him off me.

Get him off me!

-Sorry, fellas.

I lost my head.

-Fasten your seat belts.

-Keep the nose down.

[alarms blaring]

-Uh, I, uh, think we're
about out of fuel.

Yeah, we're definitely
out of fuel.

-Altitude?

-100 feet.

-OK, when you think you're going
to hit the runway, you

pull back on that yoke
as hard as you can.

-OK, standby.

Standby.

[plane zooms]

-Here we go.

[music playing]

-Forward!

Go forward with that yoke!

LARRY (OFFSCREEN): Now,
press your thrusters.

Get on the brakes, Smith.

Hit the brakes.

-Where are they?

-I got them.

-OK, get your head down!

[glass shatters]

[screaming]

-Maybe they'll let me fly one
of these birds now that I'm

not crazy anymore.

-Hey, BA, flying isn't so bad.

Hello?

BA?

-I love it when a plan
comes together.

-It's been almost a week, and I
still haven't recovered from

that.

-Yeah, me neither.

-How's the swelling?

-Oh, it's going down.

I can see all right now.

-I hope I never see you again.

-Oh, by the way, BA, I thought
that now that I'm not nuts

anymore, then maybe you and
I could room together.

On the other hand, good fences
do make good neighbors.

-How did we make out, Face?

-How did we make out?

Lousy.

1% of the ransom, that's
$50,000, right?

Split that five ways, that's,
uh, 10 grand apiece.

Now, we each put half of our
take into our retirement

programs and hold back
a third for taxes.

-Since when are we
paying taxes?

-We don't pay taxes.

-Various expenses, fees,
insurance, medical, et cetera,

et cetera, et cetera.

That leaves us with $236.

-Apiece?

-No, all together.

-[blows raspberries]

-We're almost there, Murdock.

Now, go in there and
get your stuff.

Don't mess around.

-You know, I'm really going to
miss this place and those warm

nights in post-shock, carving
birds out of soap with blunt

Popsicle sticks.

-Well, they ain't going
to miss you.

Now, get going.

-Hi, Doc.

-Murdock!

Murdock, I want you to tell
these gentlemen that I am an

emissary from the planet Fargo,
and that I am here to

release Commander Gutar from the
enemies of the Dark Star!

-Huh?

-You Murdock?

-Sometimes.

-We've been looking all
over for you, chief.

Now, Dr. Nutball here released
all of his patients.

-(MIMICS RICHARD BURTON) No, my
good sir, this doctor has

released me because I am sane.

I have papers and everything!

-Yeah, Just take it easy.

-(MIMICS RICHARD BURTON)
No, no, tell them!

Tell them, Doc, tell them!

-Oh, I've tried.

But these men do not
speak the code!

They are ignorant of the
ways of our galaxy!

-What galaxy?

-Our galaxy!

Courage, Murdock!

-(MIMICS RICHARD BURTON) Let me
show you my release papers,

you see, it's sane!

S-A-N-E!

Sound, sensible, wise, rational,
lucid, prudent,

reasonable!

Home!

Home at last!

[theme music]

[music playing]