All language subtitles for S03 Episode 5

Britain, Britain, Britain!

We have exporte
so many great things around the world.

Slavery, hooliganism and Starlight Express.

But none of this would have been possibl
without the people of Britain.

Today, now, we loon at what they...

Boom! Boom! Boom!

Let me hear you say wayoh, wayoh!

Bring it on!

It's half past Mr Ernest Ndukwe, and Lou an
Andy are on their way home from the shops.

Yeah, you look very well. Had your hair done?

- You look lovely, yeah
- Thank you.

- Really nice like that. l'll see you later
- You take care. Bye.

This patio's gonna look lovely.

You'll be able to sit out her
in the summer and sunbathe.

- Yeah, l know
- Right. Nearly finished.

- l wanna go on it now
- Oh, no. You can't go on it now.

- It's gotta dry first
- Yeah, l know.

Ooh! Ow... Ooh! Me back!

Ooh... Aah... l think something went there.

lt went the other day as well when l carried yo
to the top of the Post Office Tower.

Ooh... Ow... Yes...

lt's right at the base of my spine.

Ooh, yes. Ah... That's got it.

Who done that?

A bird.

At this travel agent
Carol Beer is once again working her nuts off.

- So that flight leaves Heathrow on the 8th
- Yes.

Will you be taking your wife o
as hand luggage?

- No
- So you need two seats.

That's all booked for you.

l forgot to ask. Does that include insurance?

Computer says no.

l think we should take some out.

We do offer a very reasonable insuranc
package here at Sun Searchers.

And that covers us against accidents, does it?

Computer says no.

Oh. So it just covers us against theft?

Computer says no.

Medical bills?

Computer refers the honourable gentleme
to the answer it gave some moments ago.

- Doesn't sound like it'd be much use
- No.

We'll leave it. Thanks.

- We do Sun Searchers Platinum Gold Insurance
- Oh, yes?

- What kind of things does that cover
- Last week, we had a man in Barbados

who lost a flip-flop.

We were able to send a replacement flip-flo
out to him first class.

- Really
- He just had to cover the cost of the flight.

And the flip-flop.

l think we'll forget about the insurance
Thank you.

OK. l'll just give you your tickets then.

It's half past Creed and Paul Rodgers,

and in Poop
a couple are getting ready to go out.

Darling? Darling?

- Yes
- Have you seen my wallet?

lt's by the phone.

- Aren't you going to tell me how l look
- Beautiful.

- That'll be the baby-sitter. l'll get it.

Hello. You must be Victoria.

No, but... Yeah, but... No, but..
Yeah, but no, cos l'm totally like a baby-sitter.

Come in. You're a little late.

Don't give me evils.

l was going to be here about half an hour ago

but l couldn't because we was all at McDonald
because Jade really fancies this bloke Lee Cherry

who went to our schoo
and did the best in his year.

He's got two stars on his badge, one for slicin
gherkins and the other for mopping piss.

Anyway Shanita told Le
that Jade really fancies him.

Jade took Lee round the back of the deep fa
fryer and showed him her Egg McMuffins.

Hello, there. l'm Jennifer.

Got any Pernod?

Archie's already in bed. He should be fine
If he wakes up, don't let him watch cartoons.

Yes, he'll settle better if you read him a book.

- A what
- l hope you don't mind me asking,

but have you looked after children much before?

Oh, my God. l so can't believe you just sai
that. Shut up! l'm like well good with kids.

Once me and Carrie Delane
was up the Broadmead Centre

and she had a baby where you don't kno
you're pregnant till it comes out.

ln Topshop, it was. Well graphic. l had to hold i
while she bought a Dayglo hair scrunchie.

And l've actually shat out six kids myself
so does that count, superbitch?

- So who's looking after them tonight
- l dunno.

- Taxi's here
- You will be OK?

Yeah. God, stop getting involved!

- Mummy
- Shut up!

Like most universities in Britain
this one offers a variety of courses,

including a post gra
on the life and work of Jayne Middlemiss.

l just need to know the deadlin
for the Sylvia Plath essay.

Oh, aren't her poems wonderful? She alway
seems a bit down in the dumps though.

- l love The Bell Jar
- l thought, cheer up, might never happen.

- Have you tried Jilly Cooper
- No. Sorry, l just need to know the deadline.

Well, l'm not sure. Martin'll know.

Martin, it's Linda. l've got Molly Spencer here.

Wants to know when the Plath essay is due in.

Molly. You know Molly
Lovely brown hair, quite petite.

Almost very pretty.

Looks lik
she's balancing a Malteser on her face.

When you see her, you want to go, ''Careful
there's a bee on you!'' Then you realise.

That's right. Molly the mole.

- It's Thursday
- Thanks very much.

# l am a mole and l live in a hole

It's half past Mr Miyagi

and once again Sir Norman Fry M
has some explaining to do.

l have a statement l would like to read.

Last week, l purchased a new camera,

and whist in my offic
in the House of Commons,

l accidentally took a picture of myself naked.

That picture somehow
and l would love to know how -

found its way on to Gaydar,

which l later discovere
to be a dating website for sodomites.

Basically, you pay a flat fee
post your stats online and...

l was then invited to join a group of gentleme
at a party in Brighton

where l was planning to give a tal
about education reforms.

However, shortly after my arrival,

my clothes accidentally fell off.

At that moment, l slipped on a glac� cherry

and landed inside one of the men.

As far as l'm concerne
that is the end of the matter. Thank you.

Aren't fat people loathsome?

Just look at their stupid fat faces.

I'd like to give them all a punch on the nose
but I can't, I'm too fat.

A snack between meals? Well...

l like to put a little bit of low fa
cottage cheese on some Ryvita.

You can have that as it i
or you can deep-fry it.

Now, today's buzz word is motivisation.

Last week, l asked you all to bring in a pictur
of yourself not looking at your best

to act as an incentive next tim
you reach for that slice of cake.

We like cake, though, don't we
Like a bit of cake, don't we? Yeah? Cake?

Give me cake now. We like cake. We like cake.

l like cake, though. l do. l just like cake
l like it a lot. l...like...cake.

Give me cake! Give me cake
(German accent) l vant ze cake!

So, let's have a look at these pictures
Paul, can you dim the lights, please?

Oh, yeah. l don't wanna hear rustling
This is not an excuse to eat.

Let's have a look at the first photo, then.

Ooh! At home with the Kumars.

Have you seen that programme
It's actually very funny, cos they're Asian.

So, where was this photo taken, my love
Was this in India or...

- New Malden
- We'll never know.

Tell them yeah.

Ooh. It took guts to bring that one in, my love.

And where was this photo taken?

lt was at my sister's 60th.

You mean you still get invited to family do's?

Yeah.

lf you were my sister, l would deny knowledg
of your existence, but in a caring way.

Bless your overworked heart.

- Oh! Where was this
- New York.

Oh! Did you pig out when you were there?

You know what it's like on holiday.

That's why you're here, Paul
You cannot control your binge eating.

Oh, excuse me for a moment, fat fighters.

Just had to, er...blow my nose.

Right. Let's look at the next picture.

Oh, Mummy, you fat!

So, pet. How does this pictur
make you feel, my darling?

Well, although it was a very happy day
as it was my wedding.

l do think l ook very large in that dress.

Mm. Did they have to roll you down the aisle?

No, l walked.

Brave. And even though she looked like that
you didn't have second thoughts? You did it?

Of course. l look at Pa
and there's a beautiful person inside.

There's a few of 'em.

And now, because it's only fair
here's a picture of me not looking at my best.

Lost a bit of weight since then obviously
Lights on.

Keep the change.

Hey, no yawning from you
The night isn't over yet.

Vicky!

What are you doing here? You ain't invited.

- Where's Archie? Is he all right
- We sent him down the offie for more fags.

- What
- Don't give me evils. We gave him fake ID.

Anyway, l am quite busy tying to get off wit
this bloke if you don't mind, actually.

Get out of my house!

Don't worry, we're going
This party's like well sad anyway.

And l found your pornos, you dirty bastard.

Oh, yeah, and l can do next Tuesda
if you want.

How rude!

This is a computer shop.

Computers date bac
to the reign of King Henry VIII.

Computers then were very basic. You coul
only really get Pac-man and Snoopy Tennis.

Did you see that Pirates Of The Caribbean
That was lame. l did not like that. All right?

Yeah, wicked. l'll call you later.

- Yes, boss
- Yeah, l bought an XP upgrade for my laptop

- but it hasn't installed right
- OK. Let's take a look at it then.

This is XP Professiona
not the home edition.

- Yeah
- l'm not too good on this.

What l'm gonna do is bring in the horse.

l'm gonna tell the horse what the problem is.

The horse says, did you disable the anti-viru
software before installing?

Er...No, l didn't.

Talk to me. Give me your wisdom.

Yeah. The horse says you need to press F
which take you into Setup.

Then disable the anti-virus softwar
install XP and it should run fine.

Oh. Great. Thank you.

He's a good horse. One of the best.

Yeah. Um..
Actually, l've got a problem with my iPod.

The horse doesn't know anything about iPods.

Come on, bro. It's just a horse.

Hey, Sanjay
The geezer ask a horse about a iPod, innit?

This young man is what we call a homosexual.

Some people in Britain are heterosexual
I myself am bisexual.

Well, at my time of life
I can't afford to be too picky.

# Think l'm gonna leave right now

# Before l falls any deeper

# Think l'm gonna leave right now

# For l am feeling weaker and weaker

Can you give me a hand with the shopping
Dafydd?

l would do, Ma, but l'm a little busy
l'm updating my Will Young scrapbook.

- Oh, right
- He's been such an inspiration to me

as the only gay in the village.

So brave the way he came out as ga
just after he won Pop Idol.

Yes.

Did you remember my Smarties?

There you go. Now
me and your dad have been talking.

We think it was tim
maybe you got yourself a job.

Oh, l'd love to get myself a job but l can't.

- Why not
- l am a gay.

Oh, rubbish.

There's loads of jobs l'd love to d
but can't because of my sexuality.

- Like what
- Hairdresser, airline steward

children's TV presenter
But they simply don't employ the gays.

Of course they do.

And if you got yourself a job
you could rent your own flat.

How can l rent a flat? l'm a gay.

l can just see it now
''Hello, landlord. l like men's bottoms.''

How's that gonna go down?

Couldn't you at least sign on
Then we'd have a bit of money coming in.

- l can't go down the Jobcentre
- Why? Because you're gay?

That's right. l'm a homo. l'm a bender
l'm a fairy. l'm a poofter.

Ma, l'm a bum boy.

l know.

Oh, sorry. l didn't think l mentioned it.

Well, make yourself usefu
and help me put the shopping away.

Mother, l am at a critical momen
with my Pritt Stick.

Dafydd...

Oh, l can't lift it. l'm gay.

- Give it here, you big poof
- Homophobe!

- Don't be so stupid
- l'm reporting you to ChildLine.

- What
- My own mother rejects me,

simply for the crim
of wanting men's todgers in my bum-bum.

Good day!

In Grumble, just north of Little Moan,

lies the home of local Neighbour Watc
group leader Sid Pegg.

OK. Welcome to tonight's meetin
of Neighbour Watch.

Now, did anyone witness the event
of Sunday afternoon?

No.

1500 hours approx...imately.

An empty can of Lilt was kicked down the clos
by a gang of yob.

- Is that all
- If only it was, Mrs Vicar.

On Monday, less than 24,hour
after the Lilt incident,

some mindless thu
defaced the Lartwood Close road sign.

They put two dots in the O
to make it look like a pair of titties.

There is nothing funn
about a pair of women's titties.

Titties are beautiful. They are
in fact, my favourite part of a lady,

apart from the general fanny area.

- Shall l put the turkey burgers on
- Yes, wife. Turkey burgers go.

Where was l? Titties, fanny, turkey burgers...

Oh, yes. Self-defence.

Sometimes it is necessary to arm ourselves

which is why l always sleep with thi
under my pillow.

Another pillow to smother them
Britain fights back.

- You two married yet
- No.

Shame for the kid. It'll be a bastard.

Right. Now can l have a volunteer, please?

Lloyd, l saw your hand go up.

All right, little fella? Little Lloyd Snow
number seven. He rents, he doesn't own.

l don't know if you know
Lloyd was on The Weakest Link.

l saw you on it.

Sorry. If people are going to start shoutin
things out, there's just going to be chaos.

- Wife
- Yes.

Birds Eye potato waffles. Go.

Right. Now what do we d
if one of these bastards... Sorry...

attacks you in your home.

Now, Lloyd. You're gonna get me in a headloc
and l'm gonna get out of it.

Now, whatever l say
whatever l do, don't let go, OK?

- Right
- OK? Go.

Right. Yeah. Tighter, tighter.

That's nothing. Tighter.

OK, Lloyd. That's enough
l beg you, l beg you. Don't let go! Don't...

That's how you get out of a headlock.

You just say you've had enoug
and they should let go.

Thank you very much. Thank you.

- Wife
- Yes?

Alphabetti Spaghetti. Go.

Business is brisk at this fancy-dress shop.

Fancy-dress parties were invented in 1971

by Professor Ian Fancy-Dress Party.

Right. Well, er, what can l do for you?

lf you wouldn't mind.

- Right
- l've been invited to a fancy-dress party

and want to go as the comedian David Baddiel.

David Baddiel?

Yes. Unplanned era, please
Not The Mary Whitehouse Experience.

You are being a little specific.

l want to g
as the author and humorist David Baddiel.

Oh, dear. One moment.

Margaret? Margaret?

Yes?

A gentleman here wants to kno
if we have David Baddiel costumes.

- l don't think so, no
- She says she doesn't think so, no.

- Oh
- Oh.

We've got a Punt and Dennis
but l think the Punt's out.

We've got a Punt and Denni
but she thinks the Punt's out.

- No
- No.

- Ooh, we've got a Stato outfit
- She says, ooh, we've got a Stato outfit.

No, l only really like David.

- Oh, l don't know what to suggest
- l'm in no hurry.

Well, l tell you what. Why don't l tr
and fashion a David Baddiel outfit

out of some of the more nondescript item
in the shop.

- That would be most kind
- If you'd like to wait in our changing room.

And... If l give you Rory McGrath's jumper...

Um... Er... Martin Clunes's chinos...

There you go. And Sanjeev Bhaskar's espadrilles.

And er...Tery Waite's beard.

Well, how are you getting on?

- Well
- Nothing like him.

Thank you very much.

Rugby is very popular in Britain

as it allows men to act ou
sadomasochistic, homoerotic fantasies

in the safety of a sporting context.

There
Looks like Herby Town are gonna lose again.

- Yeah, l know
- You said it yourself.

The team are strong on power, but lack th
finesse to ultimately fulfil their potential.

Yeah, they're crap.

- l'll get meself a tin of pop. You want one
- No, l'll just have yours.

- Did l miss anything
- No, it's boring.

Meanwhile, the Prime Ministe
is returning from Parliament,

which was opened toda
by Her Majesty the Queen.

Though for an extra 40 quid
they could have had Kerry McFadden.

Prime Minister
Here's a summary of the Arab-lsraeli conflict.

Thank you.

Do you have a copy of the draft treaty there?

ln the Foreign Secretary's office. l'll get it.

Would you?

- Sebastian
- Oh, hello, Gregory.

- Were you spying on us through the keyhole
- No, l was checking out a faulty knob.

Really.

- Hi, Prime Minister
- Hello, Sebastian.

l won't be a moment, Prime Minister.

So are you still taking him to the peace talks?

- Could you move down a bit
- Yes, of course.

Yes, he's very up on foreign diplomacy.

l can do that. l'm up on the foreign...dip...thing.

This is very complex
It's the um...Arab...Israeli conflict.

lt's about reaching an agreemen
over the Gaza Strip.

l've got an idea. How about the Israelis have i
Monday to Friday, the other lot on weekends?

- l don't think that's going to work
- Ooh, a Trisha special!

l don't think so.

No, it's on Channel Five now. Gone right off.

- Yes
- Musical chairs.

- How ridiculous
- Oh, she's getting nasty.

Maybe l should just leave. Yeah.

You're the one who should go to Israel wit
him. You are so up on the Arab-lsraeli conflict

and so blatantly in love with him.

- Oh, dear, l've said it
- Sebastian, please.

- Have a great time
- You're embarrassing yourself.

He's just using you for sex.

- Unbelievable
- l know.

Where were we?

l'd like to make an amendment to page four
paragraph two.

- l don't think the Israelis will go for that
- Yes, of course.

l do love you, Gregory.

l know, Prime Minister.

Have you ever tried cross-dressing?

I did once for about 30 years
but it wasn't really for me.

Just a lady out with a baby, that is all.

- Don't go too far, Jessica
- OK, Mummy.

Good afternoon
Not easy being a young mother, is it?

- No, no, it isn't
- How old are yours?

Jessica's five and Eliot's six months
And yours?

Oh, just gave birth today
Just a few hours old, really.

- Very little baby. Would you like to see her
- OK. Yeah.

Hello.

Hello!

- Isn't she beautiful
- Yes, she's really quite something.

Hark at us. Two young mothers.

Let's talk about being pregnan
and babies and... Shit.

- l just need to feed mine
- Ooh! And me!

Men. They don't know what we go through
do they?

What with the long time it's in your tum-tum
and then with it coming out of your looly.

l have a looly. l am a lady. A lady's looly.

Got any of them scotch eggs?

- OK, Mummy
- Please do this properly, baby Flo.

When's it my turn to push the pram?

- Sshh
- Mummy, why is that man wearing a dress?

And why is the fat man with the moustach
dressed as a baby?

Right. l've had enough of this.

- Please, baby Flo
- Forget it!

They grow up so quickly these days. Ha-ha!

Baby Flo! Baby Flo!

If you have been affected by any of the issue
raised in tonight's programme,

you may like to kno
that a special helpline has been set up.

I think it's 0 something
and then some other numbers.

There may be a 7 in there somewhere
if that's any help.

Good try.

by somix 2007
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